[Ranma][FanFic] Biker 1/2 chapter 1

[Calum Wallace]

BIKER 1/2
a Ranma 1/2 fanfic of martial arts, motorcycles, mayhem, madness and several
other things beginning with an M that I can't think of just now.
Written, rewritten and rewritten all over again by Calum 轡oghead' Wallace.

LEGALISTIC SHIT and RANT
Ranma 1/2 is not mine, no no i didn't do it you can't make me say it woz my
fault
DANGER SWEARING! Yes, this contains huge quantities of bad language - some
characters seem to swear every third word. Especially Ranma.

Well hello Bubbas and Bubbettes, this has gotta be the worst day of my life.
Three quarters of the way to an Ethernet network and safety by duplicates
and my old computer suffers a feege and I lose a year and a half's work...
You know the story - but how am i supposed to back up 200 megabytes - yes,
megabytes - of work on floppy disks? At any rate the old wreck's off for
some first aid and I've been meaning to do a ground up rewrite of Biker 1/2
for a while, so here goes...
And yes, this time I do have a real plot plan. Making it up as you go along
is fun but it leads to directionlessness.
Argh, this just makes me so sick! I've lost everything - my wargame, twelve
景n progress' fanfics and eight 景n progress' original fics. And all my
artwork - sixty or so separate drawings. So if this has never happened to
you - buy a CD-RW and stop it ever happening...
Right, that's my sob story complete and it's on with the show. Here we have
my take on the Nerima crew - and yes, none of them are overtly normal. In
fact all of them are overtly abnormal... just like my mates. I hang out with
a crowd of goths, metalheads and bikers. They may be 茎cary' but werido's
have gotta stick together, eh? In this lot you will find variations on the
usual Ranma 1/2 suspects I doubt you'll ever have encountered before...
Note that Ranma's bad grammar and pronunciation is intentional. It's the
best way I could think of to get across the way he talks.
Yes, this is a complete, utter re - write of the total kind. So come on,
people - gas it up and let's get ready to roll out with the Nerima
Motorcycle Mayhem Crew!

CHAPTER 1 : In a world gone bad...
卦wo worlds and in between, Hot metal and methedrine' - Sister's of Mercy,
"Lucretia My Reflection"

************************************

Akane Tendo is pissed off. Again.
Consider her. She presents an odd sight - she looks almost like any other
Japanese schoolgirl. Almost but not quite.
There's the cartridge belt she's got over her seifuku for one thing. It's a
short length of inert .50 machine gun ammo which she's got looped around her
waist. Then there's the thin leather choker she's wearing around her neck.
It's black leather and about half an inch wide.
Her hair - long and black with a slight bluish hint to it - is tied back in
a loose ponytail with a black velvet ribbon. She does not have a schoolbag -
instead she has a backpack which looks to be an old US Army one. By the look
of it it dates back to the Second World War and is probably worth a fair bit
of money
And then there's the wraparound mirrorshades she's wearing They completely
conceal the upper half of her face, giving the impression of a chrome visor.
And there's the way she's running - instead of the 景n a hurry' run adopted
by eternally late schoolchildren everywhere, she's adopted a seemingly
unstoppable headlong charge. Head down, legs pumping. Almost as if she's
about to fight a battle.
Finally, she has a lit cigarette hanging from her mouth. It's a Lambert &
Butler Kingsize. Her lips are peeled back in a snarl and the cigarette is
clenched between her teeth. All in all, she looks like someone who is not at
all willing to conform.

************************************

Events are a strange thing. Tatewaki Kuno had not noticed this fact.
He shifted his grip on his bokken and narrowed his eyes slightly. Suddenly
his alert ears picked up a low snarl.
Motorcycles were fairly popular among the students of Furinkan High, but
most of the school bikers rode either 50cc mopeds or 125's, with the Honda
CG125 being the most popular. The engines he was hearing were no small -
bore bikes - no, this was the howl of full size motorcycles. He glanced at
the bicycle shelter - his own bike was parked there. It was a Honda
Fireblade and the most powerful machine owned by anyone in the school.
Up till then. Four massive flat black and crude - looking machines peeled
off from their formation and zoomed into the schoolyard spewing burnout
smoke from their tyres. The riders - four girls - skidded their machines to
a halt by the bicycle shelter. At the opposite end from Kuno's bike. Kuno
was suddenly lured from his purpose by his sheer fascination with big
motorbikes.
He sheathed his bokken and headed for the bikes, standing back a little to
get a better look. All four machines appeared to be supercharged and all
four had obviously hand made engines.
Now Kuno did not know much about engines, but he knew enough to know it
would take an exceedingly skilled technician to completely hand - make an
engine. Even the cylinder blocks were rough enough to look hand machined.
The engines were watercooled - even more clever - and the waterjackets were
somewhat scruffy.
What's more, the bikes lacked any maker's name engraved into their
crankcases. Or anywhere else. He looked closer and realised with a jolt that
these were V8 engines. Really massive traverse - mounted V8 engines. Apart
from the biggest and ugliest bike which looked horribly like a V12. And it
had what he recognised to be a nitrous oxide cylinder hanging from it's top
yoke.
Which was completely and utterly insane. Supercharger + nitrous + V12 =
barking mad. Kuno shook his head - but not in disgust. In admiration.
One day, he would ride a machine that insane. Only he would wash it.
The rider of the V12 pulled off her helmet. She had an unmistakable air of
toughness about her. Kuno recognised her - she was one of the very few
people he didn't dare mess with. Her name was Gary Wade and she was a
martial arts master. Gary was around six foot six tall, heavily muscled, had
a messy crop of brown hair and bright green eyes. He nodded to her. "Nice
machine. Miss Wade."
Gary snorted. "We've been putting these brutes together since we arrived in
Japan. I thought the local bikies would want ta see 憩m."
Kuno nodded. "A V12, correct? Supercharged and fitted with nitrous if my eye
does not fool me."
Gary nodded. "Yep. Me an' onea Dad's pals built her outta busted up old
Gixers an' a few huge hunks of aircraft quality alloy. She's got twelve
Gixer piston an' valve sets. Insurance is murderous - she puts out near five
hundred brake horse at the rear wheel and she's a complete one off."
Kuno nodded. "Truly a sight for sore eyes, Miss Wade. The learner bikes and
mopeds ridden by most pupils of this establishment tire one badly."
Gary snorted again. "Just a little. But somea the kids do righteous stuff to
their 125's an' with their 125's - it's not what ya got it's what ya do with
it."
Kuno glanced back at the gateway. The realisation that Akane Tendo had
slipped by while he and his gang were distracted slowly stole over him.

************************************

Akane sat and stared into space. She let out a low sigh of relief - Kuno
and his cronies hadn't started on her today. That made it a good day from
the get - go.
The reason she had been able to slip into the fire exit at the back of the
school walked into the classroom - the toughest person in the school. Gary
Wade. Today Gary was wearing a leather jacket over her usual ragged T-shirt
and jeans. She had a crash helmet tucked under her arm and her Doc Martens
were replaced by a pair of heavy motocross boots.
Akane smiled at her. "Hey! Gary! Thanks for distracting Kuno!"
Another familiar face now wearing a leather jacket and carrying a crash
helmet bounced into the room - Gary's girlfriend Shan. Shan was the shortest
of Gary's gang at around five foot three or so and had the most incredible
mop of purple hair. Akane frowned slightly. She had never plucked up the
courage to ask why Shan always referred to Gary as male.
No time like the present. She started to ask then bit her tongue and
stopped.
Gary sat down - or rather sprawled down - in her seat and started loudly
discussing motorbikes with another of her little gang - Janine. Janine could
only be described as a beanpole. She was very slender and six foot eight
tall making her look too thin for her body weight, but she managed to be
stunningly beautiful despite it. Good looking enough that Akane had tried to
chat her up once - and only once. Janine had simply smiled, shook her head
and said 茎orry I'm straight.'
Akane sighed. She still fancied the thin Scotswoman. That was the other
thing about Gary's gang that made them stand out - they were all foreign.
Three of them Scottish and the fourth - Shan - Chinese. The final member of
Gary's gang chose that moment to make her entrance.
Angel had her usual superior expression on her face. She was slightly
shorter than Gary and as thin as a rake. She was a blue - eyed blonde to
boot. Despite all the claptrap about 慧umb blondes' Angel appeared to be the
female equivalent of Einstein - she always seemed to know what was going to
happen before it happened. And she always looked bored and like she was
trying not to laugh at you. Angel was downright scary.
Akane sighed. Gary (who's seat was on Akane's left) glanced at her.
"Whatcha sighing for, Goth babe?"
Akane paused. "Actually, I was trying to work out what it is with you four.
Shan, if you don't mind me asking, why the hell do you... oh, never mind."
Shan sighed. "I is think I get it. You want for to know why I call Gary
敬e', no?"
Akane paused then nodded. Angel snorted.
Gary sighed. "Can you keep a secret, Akane?"
Akane nodded.
"Can you keep a secret really, really well?"
Akane nodded. "I don't bum out on people."
Gay leant over and whispered directly into Akane's ear. "I'm androgynous in
a really fucked up way... I'll explain at lunch - Matsui's here."
Sure enough the pudgy teacher was just walking into the room. The little man
was as well turned out as ever.
Despite his 掲at twit' looks, Mr. Matsui was the most inspiring teacher
Akane had ever met. The short, fat, sleepy - headed looking man had a sheer
intensity of teaching style and outright belief in education that could get
through to all but the most bull headed of pupils.
As Matsui began the roll-call, Akane stared into space until he called out
her name.

************************************

The morning passed peacefully enough. Akane could never work out how Gary
and her gang managed to pay so little attention yet get such high grades.
The four were top of the class despite whispering about things like
motorbikes and martial arts to each other all day.
But it was now lunch break. Akane shook her head slightly as she walked
outside.
A hand tapped her shoulder. She spun round, automatically going to a
defensive stance. Instead of the Kuno-or-crony she had exected she found
Gary grinning at her.
"You ready to have your mind blown, Akane?"
"I'm not sure"
"Well, let's head round the back and I'll show you what I'm talking about"
Akane nodded. "Okay..."
Angel sighed. "She won't be able to handle this"
"Shut yer trap, Angel."
Akane sighed and followed the four girls round the back of the gym. Once
there Gary leant idly against a wall.
"I've heard a lotta stuff about your family, Akane. Particularly your
sisters... Seems that yer eldest sister has damn near killed almost everyone
in town with her car and yer other elder sister will sell anything. Am I
right?"
"That's not very polite... but it's true."
"Well, make damn sure Nabiki Tendo don't get hold o' this one. You know how
I said I'm androgynous? Well, that's not exactly true - but it's close. I'm
actually able to change sex at will. Don't ask me how because I don't know.
And be warned - I'm about to demonstrate."
Gary twisted slightly and sprouted a beard. Akane stared. And stared. And
stared. Gary's chest had also gone flat. She - now he - shrugged.
"You see what i mean?" The voice was unmistakably male. He twisted and
became female again. "Just say I prefer wearing the female form - when I'm
not having sex. That's why Shan refers to me as male - we're married. Shan's
not my girlfriend." Gary held up her hand. Akane had spotted the plain gold
ring before but never twigged the connection.
Shan raised the same hand, revealing a matching ring.
"Yeah - we're 敬usband' and wife, me an' Shan."
Akane leant against a wall and fished out a cigarette. "Seriously?"
"I wouldn't bullshit anyone about that. Look, I know you're gay. So I trust
you not to go blabbing this to anyone and everyone."
Akane nodded. "I won't. I'm not gonna go setting Mister Bummerclassman Kuno
the Kendo Fuckwit on anybody else"
Angel snorted. "I suspect Kuno'll be the least of your problems before long.
Never heard the saying about weirdness accumulating, have you?"
"Oh, come on. This is Nerima - Weirdo Central - and I've lived here all my
life"
Gary snorted. 刑ou only seen the tip o' the iceberg, Akane."

************************************

Akane clung to the car seat. Her eldest sister - Kasumi - was known as
系icest girl in the area', 稽ost likely to make some incredibly lucky
bastard a wonderful wife' and 稽ost likely to completely splat herself and
several innocent bystanders if she keeps driving that supercharged V8 with
seats the way she does'.
Everyone liked Kasumi. Except when she was driving.
She lived a two mode existence. Most of the time she appeared blase and
unflappable, doing the housework and generally acting mother to all the
Tendo family. But then she got in her Corvette hotrod and the plain dress
and apron was replaced by a large brown trenchcoat and mirrorshades. And the
self - propelled road hazard rode again.
In truth Kasumi was an excellent driver. That was why she had never killed
anybody. She took 茎hortcuts' - in other words did things like 180 miles per
hour in a 30 zone. Or doing jumps over railway cuttings. Or driving through
the park at 70. On the grass, of course. Kasumi drove like a raging loony
and got away with it because she drove like an extremely skilful raging
loony.
The only reason she still had a driving license was because she had never
got around to registering her car. She kept a set of bolt cutters in the
boot to remove wheelclamps. In fact, she stuck a wheelclamp on each end
herself so the cops couldn't tow the car away. And when it was at home she
parked in the garage - or rather, her car tuning den. She spent all her
spare time doing insane and noisy things to her car's engine.
Akane sighed slightly. Gary though her life wasn't weird? It was obvious
that said hermaphrodite had never seen Kasumi's car in action.
Kasumi finally reversed into the garage. Akane and Nabiki rather gratefully
climbed out. All three Tendo girl's were wondering exactly why their father
had asked Kasumi to pick her sisters up from school - they normally rejected
the offer of lifts so as to avoid 4G takeoffs. Having your weight multiplied
by four straight backwards was not fun, but Kasumi was under the impression
it was.
They walked into the house and were immediately hit by the sound of their
father's favourite music (when he was in one of his hyper moods) - Fatboy
Slim's best set was bellowing out of Kasumi's prized rave speakers. The
house was very thoroughly soundproofed due to Kasumi's taste in music
(industrial metal) so they couldn't hear it until the door was open. Kasumi
rolled her eyes and swayed gently through to the kitchen, but Akane beat her
to the volume control.
Soun Tendo was dancing around like a maniac in the living room. He saw the
three girls walk in and immediately stopped. He tried to school his face to
a serious expression, but couldn't suppress the grin. He bounced through to
the kitchen (which the garage opened onto) and started jabbering.
"Genma phoned this is so cool I've been waiting for ages for this they
should be here any minute now and-"
Kasumi butted in. "Like, how about starting at the like start, man. That way
we might kinda like get it, man. Dig?"
Soun paused and carefully worked out exactly what she meant. Spaced out
described Kasumi very accurately. "Well-um-er-that is... Yes. An old friend
of mine named Genma Saotome - well, more a kindred spirit - phoned
earlier..."
Akane walked in from changing out of her school uniform and heard something
ominous in the middle of her father's careful drone. "...Fiancee..."
"Run that past me again, dad."
Soun sighed. "Ho hum. My oldest bestest mate Genma Saotome is bringing his
son Ranma here - they have been on a voyage of training, recently in China.
At any rate, myself and Genma agreed fifteen years ago to unite our family
lines... Which means that one of you three girls will marry young Ranma."
Akane gritted her teeth. "Dad, you can count me out. You know about my
sexuality as well as I do, damnit!"
Soun sighed heavily. "Akane, give Ranma a chance. Nabiki, I will not permit
you to profiteer from him! He will be an honoured guest! Genma intends to
reopen his motorcycle customisation business here in Nerima and I have
offered him some of our land to do so. He has enough capital stashed away
from selling his old business in Juuban to get SCC up and running again -
apart from the land. As the bottom of the garden is a complete wilderness...
a decent building is sure to be an improvement. And he is one of the best
motorcycle customisers in Japan. What's more he tells me his son is even
better. So they will be fully able to pay their own way without you
blackmailing them. While I do appreciate you coordination of our
accounts..."
Nabiki sighed and nodded. "I get it. You don't want to piss you pal off,
right?"
"Not exactly. Genma is my best friend - I haven't seen him in years - and -
well. Funny - they must be taking it easy - they got off the ferry two hours
ago and it's only four hundred miles.
Akane (who had taken no more notice after she told her father exactly where
she stood) suddenly jerked her attention back. "What? How are they going to
make four hundred miles in under two hours?"
"Motorbikes... Some of the most powerful motorbikes in Japan."
Kasumi frowned. "Like, black ones? One with a Dodge V8 motor, right?"
"Huh? How do you know?"
"It's just there's like two bikes just kinda pulled up outside. Only one's
being ridden by a - oh, well."
Soun had already charged out the door.

************************************

Ranma yanked off her helmet and hung it on her handlebars, She tugged her
damp leather jacket open and fished out a cigarette.
"Bloody cars. Bloody weather. Bloody pigs. Bloody curse. Fancy some hot
water, old man?"
The panda seated on the other motorbike grunted and put the bike out of
gear. It switched off and clumsily fished out then lit a cigarette.
A tall man with longish black hair and a moustache burst out of the front
door of the large house. "GEN- What the fuck?!?!"
Ranma looked up at him. "You're Soun Tendo, right?"
"Yes. And you are..."
"I'm Ranma... Ranma Saotome."
Soun stared. The way Ranma's damp black T-shirt was clinging to her made the
truth painfully obvious. Nabiki and Kasumi had followed him out.
Nabiki leant over and poked Ranma's left breast. "It seems that 敬e' is
female."
Ranma's hand whipped out and smashed Nabiki's away. "Keep yer fuckin' hand's
to yer fuckin' self!"
Soun went from bounce to droop. He turned and walked slowly inside.
Ranma glared at the panda. "And another fuckin' wonderful ballsup ya got me
in, old man. Hey ho, time for the hot water and a nice, detailed
explanation, huh?"
The panda grunted and fished a can of chain lube out of it's bike's
saddlebag. It started cheerfully lubricating it's motorbike's chain.
"For fuck sake, yank the radiator refill cap off ya dipshit! Or I'm gonna do
it!"
The panda shook it's head and put it's paw over the radiator refill cap.
Ranma gritted her teeth. "You fuckin' asked for it, old man."
She yanked the refill cap off her own bike's radiator and sloshed some water
out of it into a battered tin mug and advanced menacingly on the panda.
The panda made a warding off gesture.
In the porch, Soun heard "Growf-"SPLASH"-idiotic boy!"
He immediately recognised the voice. "GENMAA!!"
Akane stuck her head out the door to see what was going on. What she saw was
her father dragging a fat bald bearded biker into the house by the ear
while a red - haired and obviously female figure sat and laughed on the
motorbike which the panda had not been riding.
The panda was nowhere to be seen. The fat guy was holding a spray can.
Hadn't the panda been holding a spray can?
Akane Tendo smelt a rat. She waited until her father and Nabiki had gone
inside then looked thoughtfully at the girl.
"Are you Ranma?"
The girl nodded. "Yeah, the one an' fuckin' only."
"Look, I think I've got some idea what's going on. Come on over the training
hall - I don't want my sister hearing this."
Ranma snorted. "Intrigue an' shit is it? Yeah all bloody right - I doubt
what you're thinkin' is the fuckin' fact o' it."
She followed Akane to the Tendo's training hall. Once there Akane leant
against the wall beside the door. Ranma carefully looked her up and down.
Short and stocky. Dressed in a black trenchcoat, leather trousers, Sisters
of Mercy T-shirt, cartridge belt, slim leather choker and hiking boots.
"You're a Goth, right?"
"And let me guess - you're actually a guy. Having 係hen in doubt suck my
cock' written on your motorbike is a hint"
Ranma stared at her. "How the fuck did you guess?"
"There's someone I know from school who's a bit like that. He - she - it -
can change sex at will. I've seen it and it's real.."
"I wish it wuz that fuckin' easy. Damn right I do. Naw, I change to female
whenever I get hit by cold water an' hot water changes me back. At least I
bloody stay human - Dad changes into a fuckin' panda."
Akane frowned. "How?"
"A soddin' stupid Chinese curse I picked up a couple o' weeks ago. Before
that I wuz a guy full time."
Akane nodded again. "Look, do you want to be friends? I could do with some
proper friends."
Ranma nodded slowly. "You think you're the only one? I ain't gotten any
friends. Well, apart from my brother. An' he fucks off whenever he feels
like it - I only see him a couple o' times a month."
Akane nodded again. "But you actually do stuff with him?"
"Yeah - we're bike buddies, right? We watch out fer each other. Damn, it's
so fuckin' typical it wuz me who got this fuckin' curse an' not the guy
who's gonna fuckin' like it."
"Huh?"
"My bro's gay an' he's been mutterin' about a sex change"
Akane snorted. "Your brother's gay?'
"Yeah - what of it?"
"Oh good - you're defending him"
"What the fuck's that supposed ta mean?"
"I'm a lesbian... and I get a lot of trouble with homophobes."
Ranma paused. "Ah. Fair enough."
"Come on - let's head inside and tell Dad the facts before he has a hernia."
Ranma nodded morosely. "Yeah - suppose we better... But first I'm gonna
fuckin' change back so he fuckin' believes me"
They walked back to the bikes. Ranma tugged the radiator refill cap off her
father's bike and blew down the hole thus splashing herself. He straightened
up, unfolding to an impressively large young man around five foot ten tall,
broad shouldered and black haired.
Akane stared for a few moments. The change was much more noticeable than
with Gary - Ranma gained around six inches height and almost doubled in
bulk. Which explained the baggy leathers.
He grabbed the bottle of water from down the front of his father's bike's
seat then glanced at Akane. "Right. Let's get inside." He slipped on a pair
of sunglasses and lit up a smoke. Akane nodded and slid on her wraparound
mirrorshades. She too lit up a smoke.
Both felt much more comfortable in the company of someone equally at odds
with so - called 系ormality'.
As they entered the porch they heard Soun yelling "...Fucking liar!"
Ranma stiffened. He gritted his teeth and clenched his fists then banged the
door open very hard indeed. "Oy, Tendo! Just you stop an' fuckin' think!"
Sun looked round and found himself looking at a tall and heavily built young
biker wearing an extremely pissed off expression. "Huh?"
"The name's Ranma Saotome - punk. And have I gotten news for you!"
"Huh?"
"Start thinkin'. One, who's gonna let a PANDA ride a motorbike on the road?
Two, what the fuck wuz it doin' with yer old pal Genma's V8 ratbike? Three,
what the hell kinda girl's gonna have 詣hen in doubt suck my cock' written
on her fuel tank? C'mon, think about it. Where did the panda go?"
Soun paused. "What?"
"Ho hum, looks like we're gonna have ta spell it out." Ranma sloshed the
bottle of water over his father.
Kasumi, Nabiki, Akane and Soun stared at the panda Genma had just become.
"What in the fuck?!?!" "Wow, man!" "What the?" "Freaky."
Ranma nodded. "All o' that. When Dad get's splashed with cold water he turns
into a panda. Hot water turns him back - dunno what temperature but tick his
V8 over fer five minutes an' the water in th' header tank'll be hot enuf ta
turn him back. I turn into a girl the same way an' change back the same way.
Turn yer brains on! Somebody get th' walkin' carpet some hot water before he
pisses himself."
Kasumi stood up and hurried through to the kitchen. She ran the tap for a
few moments then came back with a glassful of water.
"Thanks. Just chuck it over the asshole."
The panda nodded. Kasumi poured the water on it's head.
"Wow, man! Groovy!"
Ranma snorted. "It ain't so groovy when it's your body that's warped into
somethin' fuckin' else."
Genma rolled his eyes. 刑ou said it. Aye, you said it."
"Cut the crap, old man. How about you tell this crew the whole shitty deal
since it's your fuckin' fault?"
Genma sighed and nodded. "Very well. Myself and Ranma spent the last few
months cruising around China. At any rate, I purchased an old map outta a
junkshop in Shanghai... it listed seven training grounds. We decided to-"
Ranma kicked him. "I thought you decided?"
"- Ahem. I decided we would visit them all in turns... we worked our way
round, so to speak. It was at the third one it happened. I don't suppose any
of you have ever heard of Jusenkyu?"
Soun scratched his head. "I vaguely remember something... but the details
escape me. My memory can be a bit sketchy..."
"At any rate, I'd eaten one too many cans of baked beans the day before and
had a bad case of gas pains - I started farting-"
"Bullshit, old man. I'd gotten to the point o' better than him about a year
ago an' I tanned his sorry hide. It's onea yer average balance training
setups- ya know the deal. Bamboo poles set up in pools, added bonus of a
fucked up curse if ya take the plunge. Any rate, I gave this twit a damn
good kick an' he landed face first in th' drink. An' a panda come out. A
fuckin' PANDA. Still wearin' dad's glasses."
"Ahem. I noticed I felt a bit heavier as soon as I hit the water, but I
discounted it as my gi being soggy. But when I jumped back out Ranma
completely freaked and I gave him a damn good shove before I figured what
was going on..." Genma stopped talking and started spluttering.
"A fuckin' PANDA! The dickhead shunted me into another spring - sperloosh!
Well, guess what. My gi felt too fuckin' big an' tight round the chest an' I
was like what the fuck have I turned into then I realised I had tits."
Soun swore. "Bloody hell! Now I remember - Jusenkyu! The Training Ground of
Cursed Springs! Shit!"
Genma nodded. "The fucking same. The one and fucking only. The fucking place
I fucking wish the fucking People's fucking Army of fucking China would
fucking bomb to fucking oblivion!"
Ranma snorted. "Shut yer cake - hole, dirtbag. So are you crew gonna go
through with this arranged marriage deal or are you gonna yell 掲reak' an'
kick us out?"
Soun spluttered for a moment. 窟h-well-um-that is... You remain a fully
operational man when this curse is not activated?"
"Yeah, everything works. That goes for both forms far as I can work out. You
got any fuckin' idea how much o' a fright it gave me first time I had a
period in female form? I nearly shat it!"
Soun spluttered again. "Ah-well-um-that is..."
Kasumi rolled her eyes. "This is kinda freaking me out, man..."
Ranma glared at her. "Well thank's a shitload. This freaked me completely
out a couple o' weeks back."
There was a short pause which Ranma broke. "Look, I gotta thought, right? I
don't know yer daughters an' they don't know me, right? How about we
generally leave decidin' anything fer a couple o' weeks then see what's the
story, right?"
Soun and Genma looked at each other and shrugged. 郡ounds sensible." they
chorused.
"Right. We'll worry about that shit in a couple o' weeks. But right now I
gotta go do some motorcycle maintenance. Lube me chain, y'know?"
Soun nodded. "Yeah... Genma, fancy a drink?"
Genma nodded. "I'm dryer than a nun's- ...Yes please."
Ranma snorted and trudged outside. He fished around in the old Chinese army
pack that served as a saddlebag on his bike then fished out a tool roll, a
half dozen lumps of metal and a spray can.
Akane had followed him out. She watched as he sprayed the contents of the
can on the motorbike's drive chain.
The label on the can read 粂igh Performance Formula for Final Drive Systems'
"Chain lube" Ranma explained. "This stuff may look like snot but it stops
the drive chain killin' itself - especially the way I tuned this thing.
Which reminds me-" he spun the back wheel half a turn with his hand - "I
gotta make up a new piston - conrod - crank set. This ones'll be about dead
by now."
"Huh? I thought engine bits should last as long as the whole bike?"
"Not the way I tuned this thing. It does somewhere over 220 miles per hour.
I've broken 200 wheelieing."
Akane whistled. "That's crazy"
"So am I. A bike's only as mad as the guy who builds it. An' if a bike's
completely mental just think what the builder is. I started with a Suzuki
GSXR1100 an' gasflowed th' heads, supercharged it, fucked with th' gearbox,
changed th' final drive setup, added nitrous for a laugh, kept tunin' it
then it started holein' stock pistons every three days. So I whacked in a
set o' home made ones. They last about a week - the state of tune she's in
the stockers'd burn out within twenty minutes. Yeah, it takes a fair bit o'
work to keep runnin'. Yeah it's barkin' mad. But damn, is it worth it!" He
paused then bit his lip. "I stalled our dad's long as I thought I'd get away
with - but it ain't gonna last forever. They're both pretty fired up... I'll
fuck off if you an yer sisters want me to - that'll mean a lot less trouble
fer ya. I got a stack o' shit followin' me."
Akane shook her head. "Ranma, you're a friend. I don't want you to go away.'
"Huh? Thanks."
They stood in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes then Ranma grabbed
his tool roll and the lumps of rough metal and headed inside. Akane followed
him.
She could tell he ad to be extremely good just by watching. Despite the
tight leathers and heavy boots his gait almost said 稽artial artist' out
loud.
Genma looked up as they walked in. "Ranma! Myself and Tendo decided you must
start attending school. We had things set up ready so - hey, where are you
going?"
"Lookin' fer a dustsheet so I don't get alloy filings everywhere. So you're
shovin' me off ta school, huh? Well don't think you're gonna get me in no
fuckin' uniform!"
Genma glanced at Soun as Ranma vanished through to the kitchen. "He took
that rather better than I expected..."

************************************

The next morning Ranma was up before dawn. He had a quick smoke then decided
to go for an early morning blat. He fished his keys out of the secret
pocket, put on his leathers, got his crash helmet and headed for his bike.
He climbed onto the machine and snapped the headlamps on. They flooded the
street with their yellowish light. The bike had eight halogen floodlamps
fitted - thus it's oversize alternator. He snapped the kill switch to run
and thumbed the starter. The engine spluttered twice then started.

BRANGGGGRNTGRNTGRNTGRNT!

Akane jerked awake as the deafening roar echoed up from the driveway. She
shook her head, thinking the noise was part of a dream. But it did not go
away. Suddenly she realised it was coming from outside.
She shoved her curtains aside and looked outside. The houses on the far side
of the street were awash with a bright yellowish light. The light and noise
were coming from the driveway.
Akane looked down at the exact moment Ranma shifted into first gear and
started doing a burnout. The green glow of the clocks, the dull red glow
from the taillight and the blaze of the headlamps stared back at Akane as
she stared at Ranma. Smoke drifted up around him from the back tyre as he
revved the bike up.
Then he began to ease off the front brake. The bike surged forwards, did a
powerslide out of the driveway and vanished leaving just the fading howl
from it's exhausts and a single black line of rubber on the tarmac.
He was back about twenty minutes later. He shot past with a police car hard
behind him. Akane heard the dull thud of an explosion off down the street
then Ranma came back, turned into the driveway and parked his bike. He idly
fished his bike's numberplate out of his pocket and reattached it.

************************************

Akane watched Ranma out of the corner of her eye all through breakfast. He
ate slowly, appearing to savour each mouthful. He also ate a large amount -
she could hardly believe the quantity of food he managed to fit between his
chopsticks at the same time.
Once he had finished stuffing his face he vanished upstairs and came back
down wearing the Chinese army pack and his leathers. He glanced at her and
Nabiki.
"Either of you guys wanna lift? I only gotten room for one and I ride
fuckin' fast."
Akane nodded. "Yes please."
"Dad - gissaloan o' yer lid, huh?"
Genma shook his head. "Use the spare lid - it's on top of my pack."
Ranma nodded and vanished upstairs again. He reappeared carrying said crash
helmet in one hand and his own helmet in the other.
He handed the spare to Akane. "You need this."
Akane nodded and followed him out to his bike. He spent a bit of time
fiddling with it then nodded at Akane.
"Always stick the lid on before I fire the engine, right? This bike's LOUD."
Akane nodded, remembering the way the roar had cut through the double
glazing in her bedroom window. She put the helmet on. Ranma spent a few
moments adjusting it to fit her chin then swung onto the bike.
"Hold on tight." he instructed. Akane paused then wrapped her arms around
him.
Ranma shot her a 荊humbs up' then fired the engine. The bass roar hit Akane
like a wall of sound, blasting through her body and making her go wide -
eyed. Ranma paused then unfastened what looked like an old belt that was
wrapped around the fuel tank. He passed it around both of them and buckled
it into place, trapping Akane's arms in the process. He clamped his hands on
the handlebars, pulled in the clutch, flipped into first then gunned the
engine. No burnout this time - instead he simply rocketed straight forwards.
Akane felt a jolt then the bike seemed to be going straight upwards.
She glanced sideways and immediately wished she hadn't. The bike was going
straight upwards - up the side of the house next door. It lifted into the
air for a moment then slammed down on the roof on it's back wheels.
Ranma pulled up near the peak of the roof and glanced around. From up here
the school was clearly visible. He swung the bike's handlebars over and
thundered off down the row of houses that formed the street the Tendo's
house lied on, neatly jumping each gap.

************************************

Kuno was waiting as per usual. He shifted his weight onto his other foot and
glanced up and down the street.
Gary and company were long since there. They were talking about bikes over
near the bicycle shelter.
A bellow grew off down the street. Another extremely powerful motorcycle.
Only this one was coming from an odd angle.
Kuno peered down the street. So he got a clear look when the machine flew of
a roof at the far end of the street, slammed down on the blacktop and
rocketed towards the school in a massive rolling burnout. The rider braked
hard and slid the machine into the schoolyard, ending up with the bike stood
beside Gary's facing back the way it came.
Kuno recognised the girl on the back of the bike before it had even stopped
moving. The cartridge belt and US Army pack were unmistakable. It was Akane
Tendo - and she was fastened to the biker by a very long belt.
Kuno watched calmly as the biker switched off, unfastened the belt that was
keeping Akane with him (or her) then pulled off his skidlid. Definitely
male. Loose ponytail, unshaven.
Akane removed her crash helmet and glanced around.
"Oh great - Kuno's here already."
"Ya what?"
"That fuckhead." She pointed at Kuno.
He sauntered over and frowned at Ranma.
"I suspect you do not know what Akane Tendo is, sir."
"Fuck off, pal. I neither know nor care."
Akane swung off the bike and clenched her fists. "Get outta my face, Kuno!"
Kuno ignored her. he continued staring straight at Ranma.
"Akane Tendo is a bitch dyke pervert."

Finito - da - Parta Wun.

NOTES
Yep, all change. I can't leave well alone!
Naah, this crew suit my writing style better than the originals. And anyway
Biker 1/2 was my mutation of someone else's idea so I can do what I like.
Next episode - there's gonna be trouble! I think Kuno's gonna eat his
words...
C and C very welcome, please either send it to dog...@ratbike.org or post
it on rec.arts.anime.fandom (whioch seems to be the accepted route anyway)
Please don't complain about me wrting this in the British version of
Engilsh. It'll just wind me up and make me send you sweary Emails. Feel free
to ask what I'm talking about but dont slag my language off.

GLOSSARY OF TERMS
Honda CG125 - Small single - cylinder 4-stroke road bike. Not very much of
anything but supremely reliable and dirt cheap. It's reliability stems from
having very little to go wrong and a low - revving 4-stroke engine.
Honda Fireblade - Insane Honda sportsbike. Mad but beginning to show it's
age.
Supercharger - A pump driven off the crank that forces more air into the
engine thus forcing it to run faster.
Nitrous oxide - Laughing gas. A petrol - nitrous mix burns faster than a
petrol - air mix therefore produces more horsepower and more wear in the
engine.
Top yoke - The yokes are two pieces of metal that hold the front forks
together and to the bike. The top yoke is the upper one. Known as triple
clamps in the US.
Gixer - Slang for a Suzuki GSXR (one of the craziest bikes built).
Chain lube - Motorbike chain lubrication oil.
Header tank - Tank that contains the spare water for the radiator on a
sealed cooling system as found in most cars.
Gasflowing - trimming off excess metal from inside the cylinder heads to aid
the burn rate of fuel witin the engine. Gives a small horsepower boost.
Final drive - the drive chain that goes from the gearbox to the back wheel
and the cogs (final drive sprockets) that it runs on.
Conrod - The bit of metal that connects the piston to the crankshaft.
Alternator - Higher tech version of a generator.
Kill swich - The engine's 経ff' switch. Turns off power to the ignition.
Lid / skidlid - Slang for a crash helmet.