[Ranma][FanFic] Girl Days, part 15
Rob
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction
by Robert Haynie
(Hey, hey, it's disclaimer time!)
Part Fifteen: Stylistic Differences
####
"You mean you HOPED that those jeans would get wrecked?" Ranma
had wondered why Nabiki had so cheerily lent the pants to her a
couple of days ago.
"Well, it's stylish to have a few tasteful rips, and I figured
that with your lifestyle there would be some classy ones indeed. But
no, you had to be responsible," Nabiki pouted.
"Huh. Bet you would have charged me for them anyhow."
"Would I do something like that?" said the middle Tendo, her face
all innocence.
"In a heartbeat," retorted Ranma, walking out.
(Damn, she IS getting smarter. Not fair...)
####
Style had been something that until the beginning of the Girl
Days training had meant absolutely nothing to Ranma Saotome. And she
didn't have any illusions that when she was back to being a boy,
well, not exactly full time, but most of the time, she'd give a whit
about it then, either.
But she'd gotten used to looking good when a girl, and somehow
style did matter when it came to skirts and shoes. In fact, it was
something that was driving her father up the wall (again). Much to
Ranma's amusement and ill-concealed satisfaction.
Genma had problems enough with Ranma's growing acceptance of
his/her dual nature. These problems were magnified no end by the
simple fact that the trainee girl had not only developed a feminine
style of her own, but a pretty devastating one. His son should NOT
have started to prefer miniskirts to slacks.
Actually, Ranma still preferred the slacks, were she to be
honest. But she also enjoyed looking good, and just plain loved the
way Genma would purple at her carefully checking out the latest
styles in the shops. And when it was a day to wear a skirt, she
preferred mini, in the fighting variety, simply because they were
better to fight in.
Well, that, and she looked great in a mini.
All a matter of style...
####
"The principal has called a special assembly today, I hear."
"Man, who KNOWS what idiocy he thought of while laid up with that
broken ankle?"
"Hawaii must be an evil place."
The usual Furinkan rumor mill was purring along nicely, but for
once with some justification. There had yet to be a single instance
of Principal Kuno calling an assembly that HADN'T resulted in either
chaos, mayhem, lunacy, or (usually) a combination of all three.
In regards to the eccentric Kuno family, it was disturbing to
most that Tatewaki Kuno, the Yellow Submarine of Furinkan High, was
probably the most sane of the bunch.
Ranma just shook her head. Whatever it was, she knew that she
could handle it. She always had, after all. And it was yen to
riceballs that in SOME way, whatever lunacy Principal Kuno had
devised this time was going to be aimed at her. It usually was,
either directly or indirectly.
"Ranchan, don't look now, but the Pink Cheese Sandwich is
planning something," commented Ukyo.
"He always is," Ranma sighed. "I thought it was the Fuchsia
Bubblegum Ball today, though..."
For those readers who are wondering what exactly the two are
talking about, this writer will digress to explain.
As far as the redoubtable Tatewaki was concerned, he still used
the nom de guerre "Blue Thunder". However, after Shampoo's
unintentional (but highly approved of) tagging him with the new name
"Green Fart", certain people began to play with the idea.
To the understandable aggrievement of said Tatewaki, he was now
also known as the Puce Wombat, the Lavender Toothpick, the Mauve
Pantyliner, the Beige Sparkplug, and Ranma's personal favorite, the
Tartan Electric Massage Unit With Sunlamp Attached. In a mere
forty-eight hours, the Furinkan talent for distorting information had
tagged Kuno with some seventy-nine new and increasingly ludicrous
names-- and most people assumed that he'd chosen them himself.
The proliferation of new names, all of which were at the very
least absurd, was beginning to confuse even Kuno himself. In fact,
after once being referred to in all sincerity as the Purple Cup Of
Cheese Sauce, he had exploded in fury, demanding to be called the
Green Fart. Ranma happily complied. So did many others, but the
chain of names continued.
At any rate, Tatewaki Kuno, the Flesh-colored Idiot was FINALLY
going to unveil his tribute to his twain goddesses of amore.
Raising a convenient megaphone he had purchased the day before
from a wandering pink gorilla, he began to speak--
Only to realize that there was no-one in the yard to hear his
pronouncement. Classes had started.
####
By the way, Kuno HATED bucket duty.
####
The principal stood on the stage, in his habitual Hawaiian themed
clothing, looking like a demented beach-comber. Since that was
pretty much what he was, no-one commented. Besides, in a ward noted
for lunatics, super-powered martial artists, water-triggered
shapechangers, visiting demons, random acts of abduction by princes,
and the occasional real pervert, a grown man with a small palm tree
growing out of his head wasn't anything THAT unusual.
"De Big Kahuna has some good news for all his happy students!"
Principal Kuno announced, jovial as ever.
"What does that have to do with us?" called out a voice from the
back.
Brushing over the witticism, the principal continued, "I have de
GREATEST idea I'm importin' from America--"
"Is it anything like trying to get beach music as a required
course?" came another voice.
Principal Kuno sighed. "No, and I don't understand why de
education ministry shot dat down anyway. No, I declarin' Fridays to
be casual days."
There was silence.
"Come on, you gotta like dat, happy students?"
"I'm sure they do. US, on the other hand," replied a new voice.
"What's a casual day?" asked another voice.
"Dat mean on Fridays you can wear anything you want, and don't
have to wear a uniform! You like THAT, keiki?"
There was a pause, and then a titanic whoop of joy that for once
was unfeigned. It was, in fact too loud for anyone to hear Principal
Kuno add the offer of a free haircut to go with the nice clothes, or
the bonuses of free grass skirts and sarongs to anyone who cared to
wear them...
And no one saw the shadowed figure in the rafters.
####
"It's got to be a trick. No WAY is the principal going to
actually come out with a GOOD idea." Ranma's skepticism was based
not on her intense dislike of the aforementioned educator from Mars,
but rather on his track record. The only time she could remember the
lunatic actually being sincere about any of his preposterous schemes,
it hadn't worked then. Akane STILL had all the buoyancy of a
cinderblock.
Akane nodded vigorously, as did the rest at lunchtime. "He's
planning something. But what?"
"That's the question, Akane-chan. What's his game this time?"
Ukyo still had bad dreams sometimes about the principals first return
and his insane coconut hunt. Especially since because she was a
girl, but registered as a boy, she had spent the entire lunatic
episode uncertain if she'd wind up with a bowl cut, a buzz cut, or if
Principal Kuno would create some new and demented style just for her.
Like bowl on one side and buzz on the other.
"Shampoo not in school long enough to know. Is palm-tree man
that bad?"
"Let's say this, he'd probably see nothing unusual about Kenchuro
Tojo," Ranma explained.
Shampoo shuddered. "Maybe we ask stick-boy to help? Or trick
him, find out palm-tree man's plan?"
"We wouldn't have to trick Kuno," Akane replied. "If there's
anyone he hates more than Ranma's boy-type, it's his father. No WAY
is Principal Kuno going to confide his plans to him."
"Stick-boy not respect papa?" asked Shampoo. "Shampoo impressed.
Not think stick-boy have any good qualities."
"Heh. But I wonder what the Principal is really up to..."
####
"I wonder what my demented parent is truly planning, Sasuke,"
mused Tatewaki Kuno. "Although the idea he proposes seems upon the
surface to be one that would bring joy and happiness to the school--
especially myself, in that I should have a chance both to enjoy the
sight of Akane Tendo and the pony-tailed girl in raiment more
flattering than the drab uniforms of the school, and have the
opportunity to impress the both of them with my own impeccable sense
of style-- I cannot but feel that he plots some devious attempt upon
the dignity of the student body as a whole. Doubtless his fetish for
the removal of hair is a part of this, either that or his fascination
with that heathen island chain."
The diminutive ninja sighed. "Master Kuno, I'm sorry, but I
really don't have any idea what he would be planning. I've tried so
hard, too..."
"Sasuke, unworthy as you are even to be allowed in my presence, I
do not this time fault you for this failure. My father-- although
mad-- is also demoniacally cunning. And I see that this time, his
attention will be focused almost entirely upon me."
"Master?" Sasuke seemed uncertain.
"The two targets he desires most to depilate are myself and the
wretched Ranma Saotome. Of late, his obsessions were more focused
upon the sorcerer, but with his recent paucity of appearance my
father will certainly resume interest in my locks. Damn Saotome,
anyhow... doubtless this was part of whatever vile plan he has most
recently concocted."
"You mean that somehow Saotome and your father are working
together?"
Kuno paused at that clarification. "When you phrase it so,
Sasuke, it seems unlikely. In truth, one of the few things that the
sorcerer and I would tend to agree on is our mutual dislike of my
father's obsessions-- but only for the simple fact that I know that
said dislike is shared by the rest of Japan as a whole. Almost do I
wish for Ranma Saotome to return at such a moment of crisis-- almost.
At the least his peculiar talent of personal transmogrification into
inanimate objects could be of use." (Note-- Yes, Kuno STILL thinks
Tsubasa and Ranma are the same person.)
"Master, far be it from me to suggest that your estimation of the
situation is, ah exaggerated, but... crisis?"
"Have you ever had one of my father's haircuts, Sasuke?"
The ninja shuddered.
"Can you imagine myself with such?"
Shuddering increased.
"And should he manage to lay a shear-- nay, e'en a single blade--
upon the locks of the flame haired goddess or the raven crown of
Akane Tendo, would not the gods themselves weep at the indignity of
such a tragedy?"
Less concerned about the effect on the appearance of the
aforementioned girls and more about the effect on the tranquillity of
an already strained household, Sasuke now seemed to have swallowed a
full bottle of earthquake pills. In hopeful tones, he asked,
"Perhaps he's more Hawaii oriented this time, Master Kuno. You know,
grass skirts, sarongs, and the like..."
"Even more foul. Such cannot be allowed."
Sasuke stopped shuddering in shock. "Ah... you mean you don't
want to see the pony-tailed girl or Miss Tendo in a grass skirt or
sarong?"
"Imbecile! Of COURSE I do! But not when it's my father's idea!
They should by rights wear such for me, and myself alone! Not by the
dictate of a man with a tree growing out of his head!"
"Can't argue with that."
"Nor should you contemplate such an ill advised action."
"Hadn't ever crossed my mind, Master."
####
The principal of Furinkan High School was generally only known by
his title. No-one in Nerima-- not even his own son-- remembered his
first name. Which was something that the principal was quietly
pleased with.
Understand that the Kuno line was a long and proud one. Its
members had been samurai to the Shogunate and retainers to the great
daimyos for centuries. Their battle skills, their unwavering
loyalty, and their absolute courage had made generations of leaders
overlook the small inconvenience of a repeated tendency to, well,
oddness.
For example, during the Battle of Sekigahara Plain, one Itsuno
Kuno had distinguished himself by taking seventeen enemy heads and
presenting them to his master on pikes. With such a fearsome
warrior, his penchant for wearing a rabbit strapped to his head had
been charitably overlooked.
During the Pacific War, Captain Takaro Kuno had distinguished
himself as a fighter pilot, in fact Japan's greatest ace, despite his
insistence on wearing a girl's school uniform while flying for luck.
The sailor style kind, in fact, complete with a ribbon tied to his
flight helmet.
And of course, there was Aunt Kimyo and her 'thing' about pixies
in the Diet.
But in general, these eccentricities didn't impact on others.
Odd, and remarked on, yes, but they didn't actually bother anyone or
cause trouble (with the exception of Uncle Ichiro and his experiments
with electronic turnips). The Kunos of Nerima were, in fact, an
aberration. All three of them were quite impactive.
So much so, that Cousin Yoku, who was noted for writing long
letters to the Tokyo Shimbun urging that Japan apply for statehood in
the USA and the legalisation of radioactive yogurt, wouldn't talk to
the principal. Or as he referred to him, "That idiot Paulette".
Yes, Paulette was in fact the principal's first name. Never mind
how. But it does explain a lot.
No, sorry, it explains nothing, except that Paulette's father was
obviously a Kuno also.
At any rate, the principal DID have a plan, of sorts. It's hard
to tell what it was, though. In fact, if you had asked him what it
was, he wouldn't have been able to put it into words.
If he DID have words, they were in Hawaiian.
Ah, how he missed the islands. He would return again (as he did
repeatedly) only to return to his other love-- annoying the hell out
of the students of Furinkan High. Which he did not out of malice or
evil intent, but because he honestly believed that he was doing the
best thing for his charges.
Being the same man who had also honestly believed that the
sarong-clad girl who had washed up on the shore of his frankly
eccentric island mock-up the first week at school was actually from
an neighboring island (Even being aware of Ranma's curse, he still
hadn't made THAT particular connection), this isn't that surprising.
In fact, from time to time when he was bored, he'd try to find that
neighboring island to bring the joy of proper haircuts to the
natives.
Where Tatewaki was deluded and Kodachi was borderline psychotic,
Paulette was just plain loony.
Which helps to explain the events of the coming Friday.
####
Happosai darted from shadow to shadow in the night like a ninja.
True, most ninja didn't have a fetish for female undergarments, but
that was a minor point. Besides, he was thinking about a greater
plan than the simple snatching of a few hundred panties.
(Casual day, eh? Wonder how casual I can make it?)
The founding master of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts
and Unrestrained Lechery had a plan. A brilliant, magnificent, and
basically gratuitous plan.
Any sane person would have thrown the plan out the window, of
course. But this was Happosai, who had returned from his Antarctic
sojourn none the worse for wear, except for a recurring desire to
fondle tuxedos. (Don't ask. It's got to do with penguins.)
Thought the old pervert, (Casual... heh heh heh heh.)
####
Thursday.
A day like any other day.
In Nerima, that could mean damn near anything. In fact, it
usually did.
"Now, nobody move! Today I WILL unveil my grand tribute! I,
Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder-- and it IS Blue Thunder, NOT Candy
Apple Red Pianoforte-- present this... this... where did it go?"
"That thing under the canvas?" said a passing student. "The
custodial department hauled it away last night, said it was
cluttering up the schoolyard laying there for days."
Kuno fell to his knees and howled in frustration. And missed the
start of classes again.
####
Oh, yeah, Kuno HATED bucket duty.
####
"So, what do you think we should wear tomorrow, Ranma?" asked
Yuka idly while they dressed for gym.
Ranma became uncomfortably aware that rather a large group of
girls were hanging on her next words. "Um... why ask me?"
"Well, for one thing you're sort of an expert in what boys like
to see girls wear, because you are one sometimes..."
"That's my normal state, remember? And I never paid that much
attention to what anyone wore anyhow..."
"Until recently?" Akane smirked. "You have to admit, you're
something of a clothes horse these days."
"Yeah, well..."
"That's the other reason, Ranma," added Sayuri. "You've got
about the best sense of fashion of any girl in school nowadays. Your
outfits are always so perfect. So, we sort of wondered if you had
any advice."
"Um, Mom does a lot of the work, I just buy what I think looks
okay..." For some reason this line of conversation was becoming
unnerving.
"Well," added another girl, "You do it really well. Can I ask
for your opinion about a dress? There's a boy I kind of like and I
want to try to catch his eye."
(Why me? How did I become a fashion advisor?) "Um... for what
it's worth, I guess I could look... I'm really not an expert on
anyone's clothes but my own, though..."
"Have you thought about joining the Fashion Club?" asked Sayuri.
"You'd be a real asset, with your sense of style, and besides, they
never can find any male models, so you'd be a major asset there too."
"Eeep."
"Hey, that's a great idea!" Yuka added. "They're always
complaining that nobody's willing to model swimwear, but I bet Ranma
could, because she's so brave about things like that."
"Yeah," added Sayuri. "Especially leather."
"Enough with the leather. The leather's for fights," the redhead
complained.
Ignoring Ranma, Yuka enthused, "Hai! And I bet she'd be a
shoo-in for modeling this years wedding gown--"
"Now you drop it right there!" Ranma snarled, causing the pack of
girls to back off a bit. "No WAY am I modeling any blasted wedding
dress! You have any idea how that'd set Kuno off?"
There was a long pause.
"Maybe we can get Akane for this year?" asked Yuka.
"No WAY! That only means Kuno AND our parents going ballistic!"
Akane protested.
Another pause, and then, "Well, Ranma IS a master of disguise, so
she could--"
"Master of Disguise?" Akane sputtered. "Where did you get that
idea?"
"Remember when you told us she disguised herself as Ryoga's
sister and fooled even Ryoga-- and he doesn't HAVE a sister?" Yuka
said triumphantly.
"That only worked because Ryoga's, ah, urm..." Akane couldn't
find the word she wanted.
"A moron?" Ranma added helpfully.
"No, he's... trusting, that's it. And you shouldn't pick on him
even when he's not here, Ranma," Akane scolded.
"I'm not picking on him. I'm evaluating. He's a nice enough guy
when he's not homicidally insane, but face it, he's not exactly the
brightest light on the Ginza."
Akane snorted. "He's just very open hearted and trusting, that's
all."
"Whatever..."
"What about the time she fooled the principal into thinking she
was a island native?"
"You mean, when we were in the school basement? Principal Kuno
IS a moron."
(No argument there,) thought Ranma.
"She fooled every guy in school when there was that okonomiyaki
selling contest..."
"Anyone can fool anyone with a wig and a bunny suit. Guys don't
look closely at girls dressed like that-- at least, not at their
faces," Akane pointed out.
"Is a bunny suit casual wear?" wondered one girl.
"You wouldn't wear one to class, would you?" asked another.
"I don't know. Ranma, what do you think? Should I--"
"What kind of question is THAT?!?" Ranma and Akane exclaimed in
unision.
"Well," the girl said weakly, "She's the only person I know who's
actually worn one except Nabiki, and I can't afford Nabiki's
advice..."
"That's just plain sil-- Ranma, stop banging your head on the
lockers. You'll break them if you keep doing that," chided Akane.
####
Under normal circumstances, the summoning of demons is a long and
complex process requiring blood sacrifice, arcane chants, and dark
and occult rituals.
Normal circumstances do not often happen in Nerima.
Thus, this was not a normal ceremony.
Of course, being Happosai, he wasn't summoning a normal demon
anyhow.
The arcane chant was there, but hardly what most would have
recognized as one. The complete listing of the Victoria's Secret's
catalog usually doesn't leap to mind as a source of mystical
terminology, after all.
The Dark And Occult ritual had been replaced by a videotape
playing some rather questionable anime of the type usually known as,
well, hentai.
The sacrifice part, however, was causing Happosai considerable
grief. His best silky darlings from his collection, tossed into the
fire, all for this one spell. He'd almost not been able to go
through with it.
Almost... but for Fridays fun, he could stand anything.
The ritual (such as it was) wound to completion. The entity
appeared in the magic circle. It looked a lot like Pauly Shore.
Talk about EVIL.
"Okay, okay, the rites have been performed and the sacrifices
made and... hey, this ain't right. Those ain't the rites and those
aren't the right sacrifices. It's supposed to be a goat at least,
not stuff ripped off from the change rooms at the Kyoto Strip-O-Rama.
What gives?"
"Demon, I am Happosai of--"
"Oh, THAT gives. Shoulda known, really. Figures you'd get a
special dispensation."
"You know me?"
"Hey, you're famous down in Hell. Greatest pervert to have ever
lived, with the exception of the guy who wrote that Overfiend crap.
Trust me, the REAL lust demons didn't like that one at all. So, you
got a service coming, what is it?"
Happosai explained. "But make certain you leave the underwear!"
The demon paused. "No can do. For some reason the Big Guys
won't explain, we're not allowed to mess with school uniforms--"
"Ah-- but the principal of this school has instituted casual days
on Fridays!"
"Hmm... that could work. So, basically, you want me to cause the
clothing of the entire female population of a particular school to
disappear? This being a day that they are unlikely to be wearing
uniforms, and so I can do it? That's... disgusting. Revolting.
Unthinkable."
Happosai blinked. "You mean you won't do it?"
"Of COURSE I'll do it. I'm a demon, you know. Disgusting,
revolting, and unthinkable are the kind of thing I like! Well, that
and a really good Rueben."
"A what?"
"A Reuben. It's a sandwich they make in America, with sauerkraut
and corned beef and Swiss cheese, and it's on rye and when the corned
beef is really nice and lean and the grilling is JUST right and the
mustard is--"
"Never mind. Can you do it?"
"Well, sure I can. It's not hard to do at all!"
"Good."
The demon glowed with pleasure. "After all, all you have to do
is remember not to get the pan too hot, and to saute the sandwich
slowly so the bread doesn't scorch--"
"I mean the thing with the clothes!"
"Oh, that? No problem. But I require one thing from you before
I do."
"And that would be?"
"Well, there's this American style deli on the Ginza..."
Even Happosai could facefault.
####
"What _are_ you going to wear, Ranma?" asked Akane on the walk
back home.
"I dunno yet," replied the trainee girl. "I'm half tempted to
put on an evening gown and heels and really freak some people out,
but I'd almost certainly get it ripped at the inevitable fight."
"Oh, Ranma, really. Why would there be a fight?"
"Principal Coconuts is planning something that sounds like a good
idea, which means it can't be one, lots of girls are planning to
dress up extra nice to catch this boy or that one, I don't know that
Ukyo and Shampoo are going to be any different, which means that
Mousse at the least is going to start to get antsy, we haven't seen
Ryoga in a week-- which means he's due, Kuno is going to be really
paranoid since his father's planning something and he doesn't know
what, and... Oh, there's gonna be a fight, all right."
"I think you're just being paranoid."
"I have three fiancees, a similar number of people who want to
kill me, we haven't seen You Know Who in a month, and last week I was
challenged by a pink gorilla. What's not to be paranoid about?"
Akane had little answer for that.
"Anyhow, I just have a feeling that there's gonna be SOMETHING
stupid happening, and that usually leads into a fight. Maybe I
should just wear my leathers and get it over with."
"Um... Ranma, I don't think Kuno's seen you in that gear."
Ranma paled. She knew just how devastating she looked in that
outfit. "Good point. No sense in encouraging him that much..."
"I can't decide what to wear myself," added Akane.
"Hmm... who says we have to wear only one outfit?"
"Huh?" Akane blinked, confused.
"Well, I mean, we could wear one to school, and bring a second
one just in case I'm right about that fight so we have something
decent after it all gets shredded?"
"Ranma, there's not going to be a fight! There's no reason for
there to be one."
"Like THAT ever stopped fights before." Ranma snorted, and
added, "Besides, I have an infallible sense about these things."
Akane thought on that for a moment, and then replied, "No, you
don't. But... Maybe I'll bring my fighting uniform, just in case
you're right..."
####
She walked down the catwalk in the gold beaded gown with the
translucent silver stole, the center of attention. One of the most
highly paid models in the world, the famous Ranma was noted on the
covers of many a beauty magazine, and as many martial arts journals
in her masculine state. Applause rang from all sides.
She stepped to the back of the stage, her dressers rapidly
removing the gown and tossing her her favored Chinese shirt to relax
in during the break between sets. Fashion shows were so damn
demanding.
Oh, wow. Nature calls.
And she stepped to the door, and froze as a voice came from the
walls, saying, "But which bathroom? Which one?"
And she couldn't decide... she couldn't-- couldn't--
She awoke from the damn silly dream (thankful that it had been a
silly one and not that bad one about the Neko-ken training) and went
downstairs to the toilet, since that part of the dream had been
accurate.
Then she frowned, changed her undergarments after grabbing a pad,
and hoped that this time she wouldn't be nearly as... unpredictable.
(After this one, never again. Never. No Way.)
####
Kismet.
####
"Is not."
"Is too."
"Is Not."
"Is Too."
"Ranma, there's not going to be a fight today, and that's that!"
"Ah, my pony-tailed goddess, fair Akane Tendo, here I come to
rescue you from--"
"Excuse me."
WHAM!
"See?"
"Kuno doesn't count, Ranma... I wonder why he was dressed so
fancy? I thought it was supposed to be casual?"
####
The concept of a Casual Day wasn't one that was easily understood
deep down in the typical Japanese psyche. The native culture
stresses conformity as one of the great virtues, and the idea of "No
Uniform" was new and exciting.
Remember, this is the same nation that created the die-cut
salarymen and the ubiquitous office girl. The nail that sticks up
gets pounded down. Even at a place like Furinkan, the individuals--
AKA the maniacs-- were very much in the minority, and really only got
away with their strange behavior because (a) they didn't give a damn
what anyone else thought (most un-Japanese, that), and (b) nobody
could stand a slugs chance in the Morton Salt Company Factory of
enforcing the usual conformity upon them, anyway.
But these few examples of the not-at-all conforming tended to
create a small streak of individualism that wasn't normal for most
Japanese students. Typical Japanese Psyche isn't an option if you
want to keep even partially sane at a school where the most noted
student couldn't make up his or her mind if he was a she or not, food
could be a lethal weapon (The writer refers to explosive okonomiyaki,
not Akane's cooking, honest!),the chemistry club had attempted at one
time to take over the city government (Don't ask), strange and arcane
martial arts exhibitions and battles were an almost weekly
occurrence, and most girls kept double locks on their gym lockers so
as to at least attempt to keep their undergarments their own.
Most, in fact, gave lip service to the normal Japanese ideals,
but secretly wished that they could be as outrageous as Ranma, Ryoga,
Shampoo, Ukyo, even Kuno. They wanted to be howling pillars of
insanity also.
So, when officially informed that they had a day where they were
not expected to conform-- at least in dress-- some went, well,
overboard.
True, there wasn't anything odd about Akane's simple yellow
sundress, or Ranma's shorts and tank-top combo. Shampoo's familiar
Chinese silk minidress wasn't particularly strange, nor was Ukyo's
choice of jeans and a sports shirt, either (Although as usual when at
school she attempted to look like a boy, so instead of the cute girl
she was, she was the bishonen lad she so often seemed to be), but
others chose less... sedate outfits.
For example, Kuno didn't own any casual clothing except the
constant Kendo garb he affected all the time anyhow. Further, he
still didn't trust his demented father's motives in a Casual Day
anyhow. And most of all, he wanted to impress You Know Who.
Since, as the above sequence suggests, You Know Who wasn't
impressed either by his garments or his attempted glomp, his top hat
was now slightly bent and his tuxedo was rather dusty.
The resident idiot hentai, Enzo, was attempting to impress girls
in what he considered stylish wear. Since the lavender leisure suit
he sported was about as stylish as a dead mackerel these days, and
the three pounds of faux gold chains didn't help when displayed
across his scrawny but revealed chest, it had the usual success
rate-- less than zero.
(For those who wonder how failing to succeed can actually have a
negative success rate, understand that Enzo was so incredibly
repellent to all girls, most men, and a large percentage of forest
animals that he'd single-handedly managed to cause at least six
students and two of the aforementioned forest animals to take oaths
of celibacy.)
And many girls, not understanding casual, but understanding that
they could wear anything they wanted to, were decked out in party
dresses, fancy skirts, actual ballgowns, and even a cheongsam was
visible-- for once, not on the frame of Shampoo. Careful make-up
jobs and classy hairstyles abounded, and the number of girls wearing
flats were pretty much limited to those who were martial artists, and
those going the cute sportswear route (i.e., spandex and running
shorts).
And yes, there was one girl in a bunny suit. (For those who
wonder, she at least had a happy ending, since the boy she was
interested in DID notice her.)
Furinkan looked somewhat like a cross between an American high
school and a explosion at a fashion show.
Ranma, who may not have totally understood Casual Days herself,
but very well understood casual, shook her head. She was fairly
certain that pink chiffon party dresses and beaded stoles weren't
casual.
This riot of elegance amongst the female population of Furinkan
was resulting in a large number of distracted boys. Intellectually,
most of them knew that the school had something of a higher than
normal count of cute girls, but the uniforms tended to make them all
look somewhat the same.
Intellectual knowledge was being rapidly replaced by something
more elemental. When almost every girl at school was going the
glamour route, people noticed.
In fact, the three girls who were most often stared at-- Akane,
Shampoo, and Ranma-- were almost being ignored as a large number of
guys realized that there had been TONS of babes around that for some
reason, they hadn't ever noticed.
Not that said three minded a bit.
At lunchtime, more people than usual were eating indoors, since
you couldn't sit on the grass very well in your best dress. Ranma
was late to the usual gathering.
"What kept you?" Ukyo asked her, as she came up whistling.
"Ah, just a little business with Nabiki. Placing a bet, is all."
Silence. Then, "YOU placed a bet with Nabiki? The worst gambler
in the history of Japan, and you placed a bet with Nabiki?"
"Yep. Got decent odds, too. Had to promise that I wouldn't
start one, though..."
Akane sighed. "Ranma's convinced that there's going to be a
fight today."
"Shampoo not see how get good odds on that," the Amazon said
doubtfully. "Fights happen all the time."
####
"Well, I was betting that the fight would not be caused by
someone attacking me, or vice versa. Glomps don't count as an
attack."
"THAT get too too good odds, Shampoo bet."
Ukyo sighed. "Ranchan, you just blew your yen. This is about
the most peaceful day I've seen in a long while, and the only way I
can see a fight starting is for--"
Then it happened.
"Hey, isn't that Pauly Shore?"
"Who?"
"That American comedian-- he's standing on the belltower!"
Pauly Shore threw back his head and howled an unearthly, inhuman
cry.
"Yeah, that's him. Know that voice anywhere."
"Maidens of Furinkan! In service to my... wait a moment, I've
got it here somewhere--" The demon searched through his pockets and
found a small scrap of paper. "Oh, yeah. In service to my dread and
powerful master, who is a paragon of virtue and nobility and NOT a
hentai no matter what you say and really should get the respect due
to an elder and upstanding pillar of the community, I free you of the
foul bonds of cruel encasement."
People stared at the apparition in near total confusion. "What
does that mean?" yelled one.
"Well, it means, well... this."
The demon waved a hand.
For a perfect three count there was silence again-- not the
silence of people merely not talking, but the silence of sheer total
lack of noise of any kind, save the thin watery sound of a hundred
nosebleeds occurring simultaneously.
Then every window at Furinkan disintegrated-- not shattered, but
disintegrated into dust-- under the incredibly thunderous shriek of
over three hundred female voices raised in panic and embarrassment at
their outer garments went baibai, leaving them appearing only in what
was underneath.
Since so many girls were trying to be either sexy or glamorous,
what was underneath tended to be lacy, scanty, and pretty damn
spectacular. Furinkan High was now Victoria's Secret. And the
secret was well and truly exposed.
"Ack," commented Daisuke just before he passed out. Grinning
madly, but passed out nonetheless.
Hiroshi, being slightly less hormonally driven than his comrade,
tried to avert his eyes so as not to be called a pervert for staring
at near-naked girls. Since every girl in sight was near-naked, this
was a fruitless endeavor. He finally resorted to trying to pull his
bento kerchief over his head.
One-- and only one girl in the school was not screaming. That
girl was Ranma, who was staring at her own sports bra and cotton
whites clad body and wondering what the hell could have happen--
Oh, of course. Who else?
Ranma's limited feminine modesty was quickly overridden by pure,
sexless rage.
"I think I'm going to lose one of my bets. I have an old pervert
to kill."
Shaken, Akane looked up at the redhead from where she was trying
to cover herself, and stammered, "Ha...happosai? You think he did
this?"
"Who else would? Besides, you heard what Pauly Shore said."
Growls of anger began to replace squeaks of chagrin, but even
Shampoo found it difficult to go into battle clad only in panties.
(Her habitual refusal to wear a bra was coming back to haunt her.)
Only Ranma seemed ready to fight.
If she had gotten the time.
"Swee-- Oh, my GOD."
Happosai stared at a dream come true. Being unaware of what had
really happened to him at the beach (Remember that part of our saga,
dear readers?) and not ever having bothered to learn about the Girl
Days training, he was completely overcome by the sight of a real live
Ranma-chan in honest to gosh female undergarments. True, they
weren't what would be classified properly as "Silky Darlings"--
modest cotton panties and a sports bra aren't lingerie in the usual
sense-- but they were there. For the first time in his life,
Happosai was paralyzed in amazement.
At any moment, the inevitable glomp would be attempted, Ranma
would have to defend herself, her bet would be lost, and then--
Rescue comes from the least likely of sources. For once the
wrath of heaven was not slow yet sure, but fast as hell. Kuno, you
see, being totally convinced of the purity and exclusivity of his two
loves, was too enraged with their obvious maidenly shame to be
fascinated by their underclad forms. And he, like any sane person,
pretty much loathed Happosai. Perhaps the only thing he held in
common with a sane person.
Since Happosai was so dazed at the sight of Ranma in female
underclothes he probably wouldn't have noticed a freight train, he
didn't notice the equally as unswervable Tatewaki Kuno.
"FOR THE DIGNITY OF THE FAIR SEX-- ONE HUNDRED STRIKES!!!!
YAATATATATATATATATATATATATA!!!!!"
Ranma blinked. She... she'd won her bet. KUNO had started the
fight with Happosai, not her. And she had witnesses. And with Happy
distracted, that meant--
"An Opening!" And with that, she... leapt away, with Akane in
her arms.
Happosai, on the other have, was so disoriented by the sight of
Ranma in... aw, YOU know, that he allowed a hit to get in. Spinning
and dodging the rest of the blows, he saw--
"Penguin-Chan!"
Well, that's not what he saw, but all things considered, it was
an understandable mistake.
Ukyo, Shampoo, and frankly everyone else on the school grounds
stared in complete and total astonishment as Happosai suddenly
glomped Tatewaki Kuno, happily nuzzling the tuxedo. The penguins
were still lurking deep within his mind somewhere, and they had been
bought to the fore.
So, Tatewaki Kuno became the first man-- with the arguable
exception of Ranma, and the incident with Konatsu, anyway-- to be
glomped by Happosai.
Like the girls, he didn't like it.
Unlike the girls, Kuno didn't have the instinctive "Scream and
Bash" reflex.
So, he just stood there in shock while Happosai cuddled up to
him.
"Hey, old perv, you branching out or something?"
Happosai looked about, distracted for a moment, and then realized
that he was hugging not a girl or a female penguin, but a sartorially
elegant samurai wannabe. He then noticed that sweet lil' Ranma-chan
had returned, dressed in... leather? Tight, skimpy black leather?
With boots and a choker and everything?
This was the happiest day of his life! Ranma had gone all girl,
there were many other girls here all in their undies, and there was
even a semi-penguin! And Akane was dressed up... wait a moment, he
wasn't sure what Ranma was wearing, but Akane looked like she was in
some sort of fighting costume. Damn sexy fighting costume, though.
"I can't believe you were right about everything, Ranma."
"Hey, I'm due. Yo, Old Perv, you're gonna have to answer for
this stunt! This is going WAY too far!"
"Wha-- You should have more respect to a freedom fighter, Ranma!"
"FREEDOM-- What freedom?"
"The freedom of all these lovely girls to be exposed!" To
Happosai, there was no higher calling.
Ranma's eyebrow twitched. Anger, outrage, and slightly
unbalanced hormones (it being the start of That Time again) mixed to
create one seriously upset girl.
And she wasn't the only one.
Meanwhile, Happosai started to dash about, laughing like a maniac
(which, after all, was pretty much the case), groping from left to
right. Ranma and Akane gave chase.
Kuno, not quite understand why the pony-tailed girl was dressed
in scant black leather or why Akane was in a close fitting yellow and
black outfit joined the chase partly because he just HAD to get a
closer look, and partly because he was REALLY upset with Happosai,
who had crossed yet another line. No-one who isn't female, cute, and
under 30 glomped Tatewaki Kuno!
Shampoo and Ukyo, having made it to the locker rooms, started to
change into gym outfits to join in the pervert punishing spree. In
fact, the number of tight-filled gym shorts was increasing as girls
by the dozens tried to get to the locker rooms and the only clothes
they had. Unfortunately, Happosai's pattern of glomps, gropes,
fondles, and the like was keeping all but the most skilled and/or
determined from getting there. So the vast majority were squealing
in indignation, embarrassment, and panties.
In the locker rooms, something unexpected happened. That being a
confused voice asking, "Does anyone know the way to the Tendo Do--
awk."
Ryoga suddenly realized that he was in a girl's locker room, that
there were two definite girls in extremely limited amounts of
clothing in front of him, that he recognized these two girls, that
they were both skilled martial artists, and that he was not going to
pass out from a nosebleed this time because they would certainly kill
him before he had the chance.
Instead, Shampoo tossed the Lost Boy a towel, and said, "Wipe
nose, then come help kill old pervert."
"Old... d-do you mean Happosai?" asked Ryoga, trying not to look
at Ukyo in a borrowed pair of bloomers adjusting her breast
wrappings.
"Hai. Old Pervert make all girl's clothes vanish."
"Including Akane's," added Ukyo, who knew which buttons to push.
"HE WHAT?!?"
As Ryoga burst through the wall in a fit of fury, somehow heading
directly for Happosai (instead of, say, Poughkeepsie) Shampoo
whistled. "Good form in door making. Lost boy have potential."
Cologne sighed. "Mousse, I forgot something. Run an errand for
me, would you?"
Mousse came uncomplaining. He wasn't sure why he'd recently
gotten a nice raise (For that matter, neither was Cologne, but she
felt it was a good idea) but it had made him less resentful about his
job. "Well, since everything's clean... you don't need me for the
lunch rush?"
"I'll survive. I have some herbal tea I want you to take to
Ranma."
Mousse scowled. "And what's the idea of sending HIM tea?"
"SHE is about to start her period if she hasn't already. I doubt
that she'll be anywhere nearly as erratic as the last time, but I for
one don't want to take chances. It's a comfort tea for cramps and
the occasional emotional upset..."
"Are you certain you have enough here?" asked Mousse in a
suddenly nervous tone. He'd heard a LOT about Ranma's first time.
It wasn't confidence inspiring.
"A couple of liters is more than enough for the day, and tomorrow
also, and I'll deliver the dry version tomorrow. Lunch rush IS about
to start, but I can handle it until you return. So, hurry up!"
"Yes'm," replied Mousse.
As he left, Cologne had a strange feeling that he was going to be
late returning...
####
"HAPPOSAI, PREPARE TO DIE!"
"WHAT RYOGA SAID!"
"ME TOO! THERE HE GOES, RANMA!"
"FOUL DEMON! TO AFFRONT THE MAIDENS OF THIS LAND WITH SUCH
UNSPEAKABLE ACTIONS IS GROUNDS FOR THE MOST VIGOUROUS PUNISHMENT!"
"WHAT STICK-BOY SAID!"
"I'M GONNA MAKE PERVERT OKONOIYAKI!"
For some reason, Happosai got the vague impression that people
were upset at him.
Ranma was getting angrier and angrier by the moment. Angry was
far from the word, in fact. She was literally taking Ukyo's last
threat at face value and planning to have just that for dinner. If
she was glowing any more blue she'd have looked like an unusually
curvy sapphire.
"MOKOU TAKABISHA--"
"Oh, you don't think you can get me with that old trick, Ranma?"
chortled Happosai.
"-- REVISED! TIGRESSES RIGHTEOUS FURY!"
"Tigre-- whoa?"
The twin impacts of the splitting chi-sphere caught Happosai off
guard. Although he didn't fall-- he had WAY too much energy from
this caper for that-- he wasn't at all happy.
"Oh, a new trick? Well, it's time you learned that your master
is still just that! HAPPO FIRE-BURST!"
The tossed bomb sailed right at the redhead, who ignored it-- as
it incinerated against her battle aura like a feather in a blast
furnace.
"Then again," stammered Happosai, who was completely lost at such
a turn of events.
That's when Akane froze, realizing why Ranma was glowing so
brightly. How could she have lost track of time like that?
"Everyone, back off! Ranma's having her time! And Happosai's
got her really really angry!"
"Ack!" said Ukyo.
"No good!" squeaked Shampoo.
"Huh?" said Ryoga, uncomprehending.
"Her-- how long have you been a girl, Ranma-chan?" asked
Happosai, nervously, as he had a VERY good idea of what that meant.
"Two months!" yelled Akane. "You better give up now!"
Happosai thought back to certain Amazons he had... annoyed in the
past when it was that time of the month. He thought about Ranma's
intense chi abilities. He thought about how damn angry she looked at
the moment. He thought about the possibility of becoming pate' au
Hentai.
As Ranma approached the old man, Happosai ran through as many
options as possible. Unfortunately all of them seemed to almost
certainly end with severe bodily harm as the Founding Master of
Anything Goes Martial Arts And Panty Thievery realized that for the
moment, Ranma was something along the lines of a runaway train loaded
with H-bombs.
Wait-- hadn't Genma, his once prize pupil, created a technique to
deal with exactly this sort of thing? Why yes, a powerful technique,
one that the panda had even used against Happosai successfully in the
past. And if Genma could do it, why not Happosai?
Especially since breathing was much more fun than the
alternative.
Gathering his strength, his chi, and his courage, Happosai
crouched, took a deep breath, and--
Collapsed face down on the ground, groveling, and chanting, "I'm
sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
Ranma hadn't expected to be faced with the Crouch of the Wild
Tiger. For a moment she stopped, actually calming a bit. "You're
what?"
"I'm sorry! I didn't know you'd take it so badly! It was just
an innocent little joke! Have pity on an old man, dear Ranma-chan!"
"Well... okay, I won't kill you, then..."
"Oh, THANK you, THANK you, Ranma-chan-- OW!"
As Ranma, with a quick boot to the rear changed the Crouch of the
Wild Tiger to the Crouch of the Flying Tiger, she suddenly felt more
tired than she had been in a long while...
Mousse came by with the tea at just the right moment.
Of course, trying to give it to Kuno at first was a mistake...
####
"He didn't have to get so angry about it," complained Mousse, who
was nursing a knot where Kuno had bopped him.
"He'd been groped by Happosai, caught up in the chase, and then
you called him Saotome. Don't you know he can't understand that
Ranma and the Pony-tailed girl are the same person?" explained Akane.
"Has he got bad eyes too?"
"No, he's just incredibly stupid."
"Passably good with that stick, though..."
Ranma nursed her tea, feeling a lot better. "Man, this is the
LAST time I EVER go through one of these again... I hate losing
control like that..."
"You didn't lose control, Ranchan, you just, well... got very
very mad."
"Look! Spooky boy catch demon!"
The idea that Gosunkugi could succeed with magic was sufficiently
distracting to change the subject. It turned out that Shampoo was
right-- the voodooist had indeed caught the demon by the simple
expedient of nailing it's feet to the floor.
"THAT works for catching demons?" exclaimed Ranma.
"It certainly does, Apprentice," said the voice of Cologne, who
had wondered where Mousse had gotten to. "Minor ones, anyhow, if one
uses cold iron nails and can distract the demon. And from the state
of dress of many here, I can see that he would be distracted..."
The Pauly Shore lookalike fumed. "True. I never claimed to be
up there in the ranks of the downstairs, anyhow. Mind letting me
go?"
"You got a lot of clothes to replace first, pal," Ranma retorted.
"You, lady, ain't any fun. Oh, well, you caught me, but if I do
undo the spell, promise Candle-Head here will let me go?"
"Y-you embarrassed A-akane," replied Gosunkugi.
"Boy, I'd take the deal," reprimanded Cologne. "No matter how
upset you are at him."
Reluctantly, Gosunkugi complied. A moment later, the populace
returned to their previous state of dress, excepting those who had
had a chance to get gym clothes or fighting uniforms. They later
found their clothing in their lockers. (Pauly was something of a
completist, after all.)
That evening, Akane mused idly, "You know, I wonder how far you
DID kick the old man, Ranma. You were pretty powered up when you did
it, and he'd usually back by this time..."
Ranma just sipped some tea, swallowed a Midol, and shook her
head.
####
"Ferguson?"
"Yeah, Mac?"
"Get the trank gun out-- he's back."
"Oh, HELL. I'm sick of that old freak! How are we supposed to
track the courting habits of penguins when he keeps trying to join
in?"
####
Author's note--
One of the things I kind of like to do in this series is to
skewer the more commonly used fanfic cliches. Happy summoning a
demon is one of them. It occurred to me that he'd never waste a
perfectly good demon on something as silly as revenge when there was
perfectly good lechery to be had. ^_^ And I HAD to have fun with the
penguins...