[Ranma][FanFic] Biker 1/2 chapter 11
Calum Wallace
I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! You have no... er, tell me what it was
again?
Words in "<this>" kind of brackets are spoken in Cantonese.
Chapter 11: Pickled Monkey or What?
'Do you realise what you have done?' - Hawkwind, "Needle Gun"
************************************
Ranma glared at the half - built bike.
"Right. Th' big question is - how many headlamps?"
Akane gave him a confused look. "You what?"
"Well, this machine fires no bother. Now I gotta decide how many lamps ta
fit, what ta make th' seat outta - ya know, stuff like that. All th'
details."
Shampoo giggled from where she was doing a kata on the patio.
"You is spend too much time worry about bikes, Ranma."
"Ya what? Bikes are fun!" He grabbed a pair of headlamps from the parts
pile.
"Right, let's see if these work." He connected a set of jump leads to the
car battery he was sitting on then pressed the leads to the lamps contacts.
One lit up, the other didn't.
He threw the unoperational one onto the second pile and grabbed another
lamp.
"Er - Ranma - why not just get new bulbs?"
"I checked all th' bulbs earlier. That one's gotten a dead holder an' I
gotten enough lamp units that I don't need ta worry about it."
All three looked up as a motorbike rounded the corner.
"It's that Mortise guy!"
The Harley rider pulled up and leant his bike onto it's centre stand. Ranma
nodded at him. "Ratvespa still alive?"
"That arsehole isn't the easiest person to kill."
"Oh aye? An AK47 blast in th' face should put th' bastard six foot under."
Mortise sighed. "Do you really want to lower yourself to his level?"
Ranma scratched his head. "Look, I wanna rip that motherfucker's head off
an' shit down his neck. He threatened onea my wives - this is fuckin'
PERSONAL!" He paused. "Anyway, I owe ya big time. Thanks."
Mortise grinned lopsidedly. "Don't worry about it. You really think I was
going to stand aside and watch a pretty girl get her throat slashed?"
Shampoo blushed slightly. "You is embarressing me!"
Mortise snorted. "Hey, you're an Amazon. I'm gonna go a long way to get on
your good side - warriors of Joketsuzo have never been good people to piss
off if you like your guts. And I like mine."
Ranma laughed. "So, what brings you here?"
"Actually, I wanted to apologise for my involvement in Ratvespa's scheme."
Ranko stuck her head out the door.
"Hey, bro - who's this?"
"This is Mortise. Mortise, this is my twin sister Ranko Saotome."
Mortise bowed politely. "Charmed, I'm sure."
"How come you were hangin' out with an arsehole like Ratvespa?"
"Call it extreme misjudgement."
Ranma nodded. "Gotcha. Hey - Shampoo - pass us a twelve mill socket."
Shampoo tossed him the socket in question and he started fastening a piece
of angle iron to the partially assembled bike's headstock. "This'll make a
decent hedlamp mount if I bend a couple o' U-angles an' bolt em' onta it."
Mortise frowned. "Looks like Meccano."
"That's because it is."
"You're using Meccano for a headlamp mount?"
"Yeah, it's decent quality steel strip with plenty o' bolt holes that'll fit
the size o' bolts I bought. Whack a bit o' rust proof paint onta it an'
job's a good 'un."
"Oh. Okay... fair enough."
************************************
Herb stared at the building in the depths of the valley. They had camped on
the top of a nearby bluff and waited until mid morning before deciding to
scope the place out.
"That's it."
"Huh? Looks like your average monk dump to me."
"Ryoga, what did I say about a certain artifact? How it was stolen by a
bunch of monks? That's their monastry."
Ryoga nodded thoughtfully. "Right... So we go in and trash the burg, right?"
"Yeah. We go in and trash the burg."
Ryoga grinned. "Rock and roll, baby - rock and roll."
Mint snorted. "Hmm. How do we get through the doors?"
"Er - my forehead?" Lime suggested. "I can headbutt them flat?"
Ryoga grinned and uprooted a nearby tree. "I'll help."
"Hey - you're strong! We should armwrestle sometime!" Lime yanked a bigger
tree out of the ground and threw it at the monastry. There was a huge crash
as the tree caved in a substantial section of perimeter wall.
"Well, that solves how we get in. Throw the tree away when we get down
there."
Herb kickstarted her bike. "Rock and roll!"
Ryoga thumbed the ignition. "Charge!"
"Let's get ready to rumble!"
"Woof!"
"Waddya mean 'woof', Mint?"
"Well - I couldn't think what else to say."
************************************
Ranma sighed and sat back on the couch.
"Well, should have those machines ready ta paint tomorrow. Hey - Mortise -
fancy a beer?" He offered the other youth a can of Buds.
"No thankyou. I am alergic to alcohol."
"Bummer, man... So - whereabouts d'ya stay?"
"Oh, wherever I land up in the evening. It's a pleasent enough life."
"Yeah - I usta be a saddle tramp meself. Can be good, just goin' with no
worries but where th' next tank o' gas is comin' from."
Mortise nodded. "Indeed, indeed. Little to get in the way of just going,
huh?"
"Except pigs."
Shampoo sat down beside Ranma. She grabbed a can from the six - pack and
cracked it, taking a swig as Akane parked herself the other side of Ranma.
"So - how come you not interrupt Ratvespa before Ranma show?"
"He's equal to me in combat. I couldn't have defeated him so easily if Ranma
hadn't shot him. Oh, it'll be healed by now but a hollowpoint in the
shoulder will slow down even his kind." Mortise paused for a second then
fished a small tub out of his pocket. "I believe Ratvespa will try to bring
harm to you folks again. Forewarned is forearmed - put some of this paste
into the hollowpoints of each slug of one magazinefull. Seal it in with
beeswax and use those slugs when you next fight Ratvespa. Believe me you
won't be able to beat him otherwise."
"Er - what the hell is this stuff? Why won't I be able to take him?"
"Ranma, no offence - but you are human. That stuff is wolfsbane paste. It
won't kill him, it'll just stop him shapeshifting so he'll have to fight
fair. Or do you really want to take on something as strong as a forklift
truck and as fast as an express train? I can only take him because of my
curse."
"Curse? As in Jusenkyu curse, right?"
Mortise nodded. "Yes. That sort."
"So - whaddya turn inta?"
"I'll step outside and demonstrate. No need to take out any walls - my curse
form weighs a ton and a half."
"Er - what the hell is it?"
Mortise smirked and stepped outside. He looked arund then jumped into the
pond.
A gigantic creature erupted from the water. It looked like an oversized
minotaur gone wrong with a set of ludicrously small wings poking out of it's
shoulders. And a snake - like tail, complete with head.
"What - the - fuck?"
The creature nodded then pointed at Kasumi's cup of tea and made a pouring
gesture. Kasumi nodded. "Oh, wow man - he'd like some like hot water, man."
She ambled through to the kitchen and emerged a few moments later with a mug
full of hot water. "Good thing the boiler works really kinda well."
Ranma snorted. "Ya said it."
Kasumi smiled and tossed the mugfull of water over the creature, which
rapidly became Mortise again.
He shrugged and shook off the water. "You see what I mean? I can't remember
the exact name, but it's something along the lines of Spring of drowned Yeti
riding Yak while carrying Eel and Crane. You saw the end result."
"You are one fuckin' ugly motherfucker! Er, in thingamijig form that is."
"Hey, it's kinda cool - being able to turn into a fuckin' massive shit -
ugly minotaur type thing. Oh, and being able to fly. Let's just say I give
muggers one hell of a fright - I made the last one shit his pants."
Ranma sighed. "It's a fuck o' a lot better than changin' sex."
"I dunno. At least with you a spilt beer won't mean ex - pub."
************************************
Soun examined the engine he and Genma were planning to use. Suzuki Bandit
1200. Almost stock - apart from the turbo. He grinned.
"What're we going to do about the chassis?"
"I've got the main frames over there. D'ya want a hard or soft tail?"
"Uh, Genma - putting a turbo Bandit motor in a hardtail would be stark
staring mad..."
"Right, monoshock I presume?"
"Yep. Let's see if we can get some sort of streetfighter together."
Genma nodded. "Tomorrow I'll see if I can sort out a tail end - we've got
the motor ready ta kick over now."
"Stick 200 section wheels both ends, huh?"
Genma snorted. "I'll have ta get Ranma ta modify the hub for the front."
************************************
Ryoga shook her head.
"No sign of it over here."
Mint made a face. "I tried asking - they claim a trio of roving
motorcyclists stole it. A father and his two sons, apparently."
Ryoga paused. "Er... um... let me think... Let's have a scout around by that
old camp fire, huh?"
Herb looked confused. "Er - why?"
"Because this place looks kind of familiar and I spent a few years cruising
around with Dad and my brother."
"You what?"
"You heard Mint. A trio of roving motorcyclists, father and two sons, I used
to be male, I vaguely remember scarfing an old kettle outta a monastry we
stopped of at once after Dad busted his arm."
"You mean..."
"Ranma dumped a dead set of pistons and such near the campfire. I've still
got the kettle we knicked. If I'm right it's in my pack."
"How will you know if you're right?"
"Well, if it works I'm right. Come on - let's go check it out."
"You mean we flattened this place for no reason?"
"I think so."
They left the wrecked monastry and headed back up to the camp. Ryoga cast
around near the fireplace for a few moments then tossed an old piston to
Herb.
"Yeah, that's one of Ranma's. He's got the only bike I know of that does
that to solid titanium pistons."
Herb whistled. "Sure is fucked up!"
Ryoga nodded and grabbed the kettle. She dumped the tea dregs and refilled
it.
"Right, let's give this a go."
Herb nodded. She sat and stared as Ryoga heated the kettle then grabbed it.
"Work you bastard!"
************************************
Ranma slowly put down the adjustable wrench and squinted at the shrivveled
figure that had just pulled up in an old Chinese army truck.
"What the hell is that?"
The figure hopped out of the truck and peered around.
"A pickled monkey?" Ranko suggested. She then giggled and turned back to her
bike engine.
Ranma peered carefully at the figure, who was in the process of giving Ranko
a dirty look. "Er - no - actually, I think it's - she's - an old woman. Erm,
you lookin' for somethin' or someone, lady?"
The crone suddenly seemed to notice he was there.
"Actually, yes. I am indeed looking for somebody."
"Reckon we could help ya?"
"Possibly considering the presence of that motorcycle." The crone pointed at
Ranma's bike. "She is around five foot three tall, she has purple hair
worn-"
"Ya mean Shampoo?"
"Xian Pu?"
"Yeah, I'm crap at pronouncin' Chinese. So - waddya want with her? She's
feelin' pretty fucked up the now what with bein' kidnapped by that psycho
fuckhead thug an' bein' pregnant an' nearly gettin' her throat slashed an'
so on, even if she won't admit it. Sometimes she tries ta be too fuckin'
tough fer her own good."
The crone narrowed her eyes. "And how exactly do you happen to know my
great-granddaughter, young man?"
"Because I'm married to her. Ya know, I thought I recognised ya. Ya were
watchin' th' fight in th' Amazon village, wern't ya?"
The crone looked blank. "Pardon? I don't remember seeing you before."
"Aw fer fuck sake! What kinda girl's gonna have 'when in doubt suck my cock'
written on her bike's fuel tank? An' who's gonna let a fuckin' panda ride a
bike like Dad's V8 on th' road? Spring of Drowned Girl ta ya an' a whole
shitload other dumb fuckwits! Ya know, Jusenkyu? It's only a couple o' miles
from ya village..."
The crone snorted and jerked her thumb at Ranko. "What about her?"
"She looks like my female form because she's my twin sister, fuckwit."
Shampoo chose this moment to peer out of the door along with Akane. She
narrowed her eyes.
"Matriarch Kou Loun? What you doing here?"
Kou Loun paused. "<Excuse me, that's my line. Why have you not returned to
Joketsuzo, child?>"
Ranma groaned. "Aw fer fuck sake! Here comes th' annual gibberish
convention!"
Kou Loun glared at him. "Shut up, boy."
"Fuck you, pickled monkey. This is my home, I'm not gonna can it."
Kou Loun sighed. "Xian Pu, we need to talk. Privately."
Shampoo swallowed a couple of times. "No."
"Repeat that, child?"
"No. Is business of Ranma and Akane. They involved inextricitly."
"Shampoo, that's inextricably."
"Is what I mean. We all talk or not talk at all. I not return to Joketsuzo."
Kou Loun narrowed her eyes. "And what makes you think that?"
There was a metallic 'slide-chunk' from the direction of Ranko. Turning to
look, everyone saw she had gripped her calf muscle and tugged sharply
backwards. Or rather, where her calf muscle would be if her leg wasn't
prosthetic.
"Look here, lady. I don't know who you are and I don't really give a fuck.
But you sound awfully like you're threatening my sister in law, so sod off
before I blow your brains out. This is a four-bore pump-action leg and I'm
not afraid to use it. You've gotta aks yourself - do you feel lucky? Well?
Do you?"
As if to reinforce the point an empty shotgun cartridge dropped out of her
trouser leg.
Kou Loun laughed quietly. "Child, I somehow doubt it would slow me down for
long." Then her eyes lit upon Mortise as he stood from behind his bike.
"Excuse me, Matriarch. I believe we should have a little chat."
"Pantyhose Tarou, is it?"
"I was once named that. Not any more. I am Mortise, and the teenager you
once knew is long gone." He calmly grabbed her shoulder and walked off down
the street towing the startled old hag behind him.
Ranma stared after them. Something suddenly clicked.
"Did Mortise really mean Ratvespa's a werewolf?"
************************************
Kou Loun glared at Mortise over her cup of coffee.
"So, mind explaining yourself?"
Mortise shook his head. "Let's just put it this way - you don't give them
trouble and I won't tell them what you lot are, Amazon. Have you had the
decency to tell Xian Pu?"
Kou Loun narrowed her eyes even further. "What if I do give them trouble?
How about if I tell them what you are?"
"Cut the bullshit. They like me - I saved Xian Pu's life. I gave them some
advice on dealing with your kind."
"Perhaps, but how would they react to knowing what you are?"
"Face it, hag. My kind can easily take your kind, especially with my curse.
Don't try playing with any sticks, I'm Irish breed - you know as well as I
do it won't work. There's only one living creature I'm scared of - Ranma
Saotome."
"Exactly why is that?"
"Cut the shit. Surely you saw his aura?"
Kou Loun nodded.
"Then you saw what shape it is. Scared yet?"
"No. I am not scared of a whelp."
"Oh right. So that's what you think of him, huh? Well listen here, coot. I
have the gift of Foresight. That 'whelp' is far more important to this world
than you or your village ever will be. And me? I'm just an observer. Sure, I
give advice, but aside from that I watch."
"What do you mean, 'important'?"
"Exactly what it sounds like, fool. And remember, this is Clan Saotome
territory. So it would be unwise to mess with the heir to war leadership of
the Clan."
"You what? This Ranma is Akira's heir?"
"I don't know how they work out leadership, but that's what Red told me."
"Red? You spoke to Red?"
"Yes. And the Record Keeper would know."
"Yes. She would. It seems I need to get Xian Pu out of here."
"Didn't you notice? She's pregnant with Ranma's child."
"You what?"
"You heard me. It would be wise to leave Xian Pu the hell alone."
"Excuse me, but this is my heir you're talking about."
"Then maybe it's time you lot reconciled yourselves with Clan Saotome."
"The time for that will NEVER come, boy!"
"I wouldn't be so sure. You are not immortal and you are not all powerful."
************************************
Ryoga nodded sharply.
"Well, it worked. What now."
"Fucking A-1! This is so cool!"
"You gonna fulfil your side of the deal?"
"Of course I bloody am! Waddya take me for?"
Herb grinned broadly, paused to scratch his groin in a very satisfied fasion
and handed the bucket to Ryoga.
"Man, feel's good! I've missed them..."
Ryoga took the bucket, not noticing the stone cold tea dregs in the bottom,
and emptied Mint's water bottle (spare engine coolant, actually) into it.
Mint frowned "Er, Ryoga - be careful, that's got antifreeze in it - too
late."
Ryoga had already tipped the enchanted mix of cold water, antifreeze and tea
dregs over his own head.
************************************
Ranma silently finished 'modifying' the pistol ammunition.
"Alright. Now we're ready fer that shithead Ratvespa."
"Are you sure you believe Mortise? I mean, a werewolf? It sounds a bit far
fetched to me."
"Akane, after th' crap I've been through nothin' sounds far fetched. Look,
if someone told ya six months ago that ya were gonna marry a guy who changes
sex every so often ya'd have told 'em ta stop talkin' bullshit, huh?"
"Well - yeah. I don't see your point."
"Point is my life's so fuckin' weird that nothin's gonna shock me."
"I bet something could!"
Ranma shrugged. "I'm not so sure."
"What do you want to bet on it?"
"Look, bettin's yer idea."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I don't know, you tell me. That's what that's supposed ta mean."
"Oh, forget about it."
************************************
Genma gritted his teeth.
"This is not good, Tendo. We've got to let Akira know!"
"Er - are you sure?"
"That was Kou Loun, Tendo. And you know what that means."
"Kou Loun?"
"Matriarch of Joketsuzo. Trouble of the 'deep shit' kind, man!"
"Alright... we write to him, huh?"
"Yes, maybe he'll be able to see that hag off." Genma grabbed a pencil and
paper.
And another one bites the dust.
NOTES
Next - Ratvespa comes looking for trouble, Mortise continues to familiarise
himself with the locals and Genma sends Ranko to school.
GLOSSARY OF TERMS
Ratbike - A motorbike made to look as fucked up and unroadworthy as possible
while still being street legal. Normally painted flat black.
Honda CG125 - Small single - cylinder 4-stroke road bike. Not very much of
anything but supremely reliable and dirt cheap. It's reliability stems from
having very little to go wrong and a low - revving 4-stroke engine.
Honda Fireblade - Insane Honda sportsbike. Mad but beginning to show it's
age.
Supercharger - A pump driven off the crank that forces more air into the
engine thus forcing it to run faster.
Nitrous oxide - Laughing gas. A petrol - nitrous mix burns faster than a
petrol - air mix therefore produces more horsepower and more wear in the
engine.
Top yoke - The yokes are two pieces of metal that hold the front forks
together and to the bike. The top yoke is the upper one. Known as triple
clamps in the US.
Gixer - Slang for a Suzuki GSXR (one of the craziest bikes built).
Chain lube - Motorbike chain lubrication oil.
Header tank - Tank that contains the spare water for the radiator on a
sealed cooling system as found in most cars.
Gasflowing - trimming off excess metal from inside the cylinder heads to aid
the burn rate of fuel within the engine. Gives a small horsepower boost.
Final drive - the drive chain that goes from the gearbox to the back wheel
and the cogs (final drive sprockets) that it runs on.
Conrod - The bit of metal that connects the piston to the crankshaft.
Alternator - Higher tech version of a generator.
Kill switch - The engine's 'off' switch. Turns off power to the ignition.
Lid / skidlid - Slang for a crash helmet.
250 Superdream - CB250. The next up the Honda model range from the CG125 and
just a bigger version of the same.
500 Superdream - CB500. A CB250 with a bigger bore and heavier frame.
Engine clicking - An internal combustion engine heats up when run. Run it
hard and it heats up more, then when you switch off the engine will start
emitting a series of sharp clicks as the metal cools and contracts.
Stocker - unmodified factory - built vehicle.
Binned - crashed. Normally means written off.
Steering damper - a long, thin shock absorber that fits between the forks
and the frame. Helps steady the steering.
________________________________________________________________________
The Canine One, He who Bears the Lightchainsaw, Calum 'doghead' Wallace
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"Genuine ratbike. Warning, do not wash"
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Beware of the furry thing, it has toenails
W W W OOO OOO FFFF W W W OOO OOO FFFF
W W W O O O O F W W W O O O O F
W W W W O O O O FFF W W W W O O O O FFF
W W O O O O F W W O O O O F
W W OOO OOO F W W OOO OOO F
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"How will I laugh tomorrow when I can't even smile today?"
Suicidal Tendancies
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/ \
| |
| "There comes a time in every mutts life |
| when sanity gives up and he comes to |
| believe that he is a God." |
| |
| "For me, that time has come." |
| |
| The Dog-God of Anarchy. |
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