[Ranma][Fanfic] Black Lemonade (Parody)

[Nightelf]

Nightelf (nwl...@tam2000.tamu.edu) presents...

Ryouga Hibiki stared out at the empty, open sea from the precipitous
cliff, tears streaming down his face, his mind engaged in his favorite
pastime: depressing himself by contemplating the abyss that was his
life - and the causes of said abyss. At first, there was one - Ranma
Saotome, a petty thief by trade, before his crimes grew...and grew.
It was his fault for all that had happened to him, from running out on
their fight to knocking him into the Jusenkyo spring to daily tortures,
fights, and beatings to...

His crying eyes turned downward, to the note in his hand. The
announcement, on fine cream-colored stationery, written in kanji
by an expert caligrapher's hand. The message of love, and their
willingnes to share the love with their friends as they pledge their
commitment to one another for all time. The tears fell down onto the
paper, smudging the writing some, but by this time he didn't care. He
knew the message: Ranma had finally corrupted her beyond even his hope
to rescue her.

No matter. Ever since Akane...ever since Ryouga left the dojo for
all time, he knew there was nothing he could do to rescue her from his
clutches. All that was left was pain...and revenge.

He felt the familiar burning, that inner fire that gave him his
strength and pain, sensed its power building within him like a reactor on
meltdown, and readied his vocal cords for the cry of anguish.

"Akane Tendo, you have thrown your lot with that coward Saotome, and
been taken forever by his charms. For this, for everything...let there
be war upon you both!!"

With the last words from his lips, he released the energy of his
Shishi Houkoudan, releasing his destructive fire like an atom bomb
around him, devastating all nearby - including the cliff he was
standing on. Falling from the precipice, his screams continued, more
out of fear than anger, until the water's warping effects replaced his
cries with piglike bwees.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nightelf presents...

Black Lemonade

A twisted work of anime fanfiction by Nicholas Leifker, aka "Nightelf"

Ranma 1/2 characters created by Rumiko Takahashi.

All rights reserved. I must ask that you not do anything with this work
without the author's permission.

One word of note: While this isn't a "lemon" 'fic, there are some mature
themes in the story. In other words, if you're too young, close your
eyes.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Akane Saotome liked to sleep next to something warm. She had gotten
used to it somewhat, what with P-chan and all, but hadn't had it ever
since P-chan ran away. She didn't mean to...it had been an accident,
after all...but she feared the little one wasn't going to come back.
Now, though, she was the one being held, his strong arms draped around
hers, wrapping her up in a comforting sea of warmth. She found herself
liking it this way, having someone to be there watching over her, just as
she watched over him.

She had wondered for a long time if this day would ever come. After
that Mount Phoenix mess, their problems hadn't gone away - they had found
their respective suitors and fiancees even more determined to separate
them, to drive a wedge between their love. Now, though, after tonight, it
was sealed. Nothing, no fiancee, no manipulative old witch, no psychotic
bimbo with her weird chemicals (How DARE she lace his pillow with
hallucinogens?!?), nothing could drive a wedge between them now.

*SPLASH*

She stood corrected as the form wrapping her up shifted, its large
masculine form changing shape into a smaller, more petite one. It was
strange for her...she had always seen him change, but never felt the
workings of his curse until now. Stirred by the rude awakening, the two
women sat up, startled. Akane pulled the covers over the private areas
of her body, then pulled them over a more immodest Ranma as they stared
at the intruder.

"R...Ryouga? What are you doing here?"

Ryouga's face was stone, hardened by every indignity handed to him
by this perverse couple before him. "I am here for revenge, Akane Tendo
Saotome."

"Go 'way, Ryouga. Wait until tomorrow, okay?" Ranma, not as awake
as her wife and accustomed to his night visits, laid her head down,
desperate for some sleep.

"Ignore me, will you...Shishi Houkoudan!!" The pig-man let the
anger build up in his hands, releasing them at his onetime junior-high
rival. Unprepared for the blast, Ranma was hit full-force, granting her
the sleep she so desired.

For once in her life, Akane was scared. Ryouga was an old
friend - honest, reliable, someone you could trust. Now he stood at
the foot of her bed, a grim reaper with an umbrella for a scythe.
"What do...what do you want, Ryouga?"

The dark eyes, partially hidden behind the hair, seemed to glow.
"What I've always wanted, Akane - revenge."

Now it was her turn to get angry. "Why? What did I do?"

"Don't give me that innocent bit! You know perfectly well the crime
you committed!"

"No I don't, Ryouga! You've always been a friend! Why?" Sobs
were beginning to rise in her throat, realizing she was losing a friend
in the worst way possible.

"Very well, to refresh your memory..."

Akane recoiled in horror. "Oh no...not a flashback..."

**************************************************************************

It was a dangerous night for the Tendo Dojo. No, no fiancees were
calling. No demon of the week was making its typical rounds. This was
something far more sinister than any mere demon.

Tonight was Akane's turn to cook.

P-chan, her loyal and trusting pet, had accompanied her, to watch as
she dazzled them with her culinary excellence. She sat him down on the
counter, in a special place where he could watch her brilliance in action.

She decided to try sweet-and-sour pork tonight, an easy enough
dish to make. The rice was coming along okay ("I guess this is that
brown rice I heard about..."), although the sauce wasn't going too well
("Salt, sugar...close enough."). She eventually had to go back and
make some more, after the first batch crawled away. All the while,
P-chan watched the proceedings go slowly, oblivious to the species of
dish being prepared, and eventually felt tired...so tired...and slept.

A few minutes later, after the sauce had finally been put out of
its misery, Akane felt it time to prepare the meat for the meal. She
went to the fridge, and pulled out a small piglet, one which looked
disturbingly like her pet. Fighting the small revulsion, she vowed to
have a nice long talk with Kasumi about her shopping habits. She
placed the pig on the table, ready to carve it up, when she heard a
strange noise coming from the rice.

"Oh. I guess that means it's ready." The rice that she took out
was strange...a brownish-black color, with a stench to match. The
food gurgled as it was emptied into a large dish, ready to be served.
That done, she turned around, and picked up a large meat cleaver. She
went over to the first unconscious pig she saw...raised the blade...

"BWEEEEEE!!!!!"

The bandanna-clad pig woke up to a sight burned forever in his
memory: Akane, a maniacal glint in her eyes, ready to kill him with a
knife, to turn him into sweet-and-sour pork. Survival instincts
kicked in as he leapt from the table, speeding out of the house as
fast as his stubby legs could carry him. He never heard Akane's pleas
for forgiveness as he ran away.

************************************************************************

"Now do you understand?" His tone was icy, hard, without remorse.

"You mean...YOU'RE P-chan?!?"

"Huh?"

Akane was not taking this well. "You mean...you slept in MY
bed all this time...and you never told me?!? You...you hentai! You even
watched me...with Nabiki...and the cucumber...and the..."

A strange smile crossed his face, a demented look usually
reserved for the criminally insane. "Yes. Damn, that was enjoyable."

Akane saw scarlet, and launched herself at him. Ryouga grabbed her
swinging hands, and gave her a vicious sidearm blow to her jaw, leaving
her dazed. Seizing the opportunity, the lost boy pulled off a few
bandannas, using them to bind and gag her, muffling her screams. He
then did the same to Ranma, stoppijng for a moment to admire the
unnatural form. He then started to arouse the martial artist, wanting
her awake, to feel every moment of agony coming to her. Akane, now wide
awake by this time, watched all this, her eyes crying, her muffled
attempts at screams unable to reach beyond the walls. Any screams in
either of their throats froze, however, when Ryouga pulled his pants
off, exposing his stiff member to the horrified (and unimpressed) couple.

"Don't worry about it, Akane. I'm just doing to him what he's done
to me all those years. Be patient...You're next."

*************************************************************************

It was morning by the time he was finished with the two of them.
Akane was unconscious by now, her face a frozen mask of shame.
Ranma...she was still conscious, boring a strange gaze right at Ryouga -
a curious mix of revulsion and fury.

He could never come back now. Perhaps before, there might have been
a way of reconciling, but this...this was unforgiveable. He had made an
enemy for all time.

Oh well. He'd been a wanderer before; he could wander again. Just
like Caine...Still, better to erase his sin, to level this entire
hellhole into a parking lot. He could never find his way inside of it,
anyway. Once more, he called upon the depression in his soul, now a black
canvas from the ashes inside, felt it build up once more, then released
it, its catharsis refreshing as a cool breeze.

"Shishi Houkoudan!!"

As it was released, he swore he heard a small "Oh my..."

*************************************************************************

The fierce light of the Shishi Houkoudan faded to a sterile
phosphorescence as Ranma woke up from her forced slumber. She groaned
slightly as the pains of the previous day's events made themselves
apparant to her, then vanished like an autumn breeze as the horrific
events replayed themselves in her mind. Driven on by the pain, she
raised her head, in an effort to see her surroundings.

Her eyes widened as she realized...a hospital room, stark with its
sparsity, adorned only with a few chairs. Shampoo snored away in one of
the chairs, in a position guaranteed to give her one heck of a stiff
neck. Ukyou was much closer, her head resting on Ranma's bed, the rest
of her sprawled in a chair. Ranma's soft blue eyes narrowed as she noted
the wet spots next to Ukyou's head: she had cried herself to sleep.

"U...cchan?" The heir to the Anything-Goes School called out to her
childhood friend, desperate for news. Ukyou stirred, raised her head
slowly, and tried to focus her eyes on the patient.

"Ranma? You're awake..." The okonomiyaki chef hugged Ranma,
careful not to hurt her any more than she had been. Her dark eyes
reflected such sadness as she looked at the pain broadcast in Ranma's
face. "How are you feeling?"

"I had a strange dream about mountain climbing...What happened?"

"Ryouga...he let out a Shishi Houkoudan. It leveled the dojo."

Ohno...

"Akane?" She didn't care about herself. That could wait.

At Akane's name, Ukyou's tears became uncontrollable. Unable to do
any more, she just unfolded a newspaper, handing it to Ranma to read.
Ranma scanned the headline and story, desperate for news, not wanting
to know, yet -

"Hold it. It says here that only Kasumi died."

Ukyou nodded sadly. "I...know."

"Then why did you make me think that..."

"Cause I wanted you, you jackass!" Angered at her ex-fiancee's
stupidity, she spatulated her into LEO, making a sizeable hole in the
wall as she did so.

**************************************************************************

If there's one thing Ranma hated, it was helplessness. It was bad
enough having to stay in the girl-form until being released from the
hospital, bad enough that she hadn't been able to do anything for Akane,
but to be wheeled around like some weak grandmother...it was getting to
be too much for her. She shuffled nervously in the chair, anxious to
see her, unable to wait any longer.

Her heart jumped in her chest as she looked at the sleeping form in
the bed. Akane had been beaten up far worse than she'd been, ravaged for
far longer (she winced at the memory, the helplessness, forced to watch
as he...as he...), and was in far worse shape for it. Bruises covered
most of her face, her arm was in a cast - all because of stupid
carelessness. If she hadn't turned her back... Ranma stood by her bed,
taking one of her hands into her own, crying, cursing, pleading, hoping,
apologizing...

The form stirred, awakened by Ranma's wailing. She looked around at
the room, as though searching for someone not there, then turned to her
husband, a strangely innocent look in her eyes.

"Obasan, can you help me? I hurt..." The voice was a match for the
expression: soft, innocent, helpless.

"Huh?" The situation was bad enough without insults.

The soft eyes started to tear up. "Can you tell me where my mom and
dad are? I...I..."

Realization dawned in Ranma's mind as she took in her love's
childlike nature: To block out her memories of...that, she'd regressed to
her childhood.

"Akane?"

"Hmmm?"

"How old are you?"

The child-woman smiled, ready to please. "Eight-and-a-half. I'll
be nine in a few months."

Ranma just shook her head. It was going to be a loooong night.

***************************************************************************

Home never felt so good to Ranma, even if it was her parents' place.
A nice bath, a private bed, a place to run around and fight...she needed
these, especially after what happened. A hospital may be able to heal
you physically, but it can be hell emotionally, especially if the day is
spent in a concrete box of a room.

Her first impulse was to run up to the bath. Right now, more than
anything, she wanted to put "her"self away, to live as a guy and never
come back (except for Nabiki's modeling jobs, of course...and the "girls'
nights out"...and the...). Unfortunately, there was a child right next
to her, a child that had never met her own husband - and would be scared
out of her wits by the change. She paused for a moment at Akane's face.
She looked so innocent, so kawaii...it almost seemed a crime to bring her
memories back. Stepping in front of the child, Ranma grabbed Akane's
shoulders and sighed, struggling for the right words to say.

"Akane-chan, I gotta...go away for a little while. Now, in a little
bit, there will be a young man here. He's a friend, okay? Now do you
promise to stay here until he gets here?"

Akane shook her head clumsily, like a child over-imitating an adult's
movements. "I promise, Ranma-san."

The half-man took a long moment to look into those dark brown eyes,
those beautiful dark orbs...then ran to the bathroom at full speed. The
Chinese clothes she wore were off in a flash, anticipating the strength
and beauty of her normal form. A quick scrub later, and she slipped into
the tub, closing her eyes as the hot water swirled around her.

"Ahhh...it feels good to be - HUH?!?"

Ranma looked down at the form that was her body - and yes, at the
moment, it was _her_ body, still unchanged from its cursed state.
Fighting the panic and fear rising within her, she turned the tap on hot
all the way, desperate for the change, her fear slowly giving way to anger
as its futility was proven.

Then everything went black.

"Guess who..." a childlike voice sang out behind her.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!" Shaking her wife off of her, Ranma first
reflexively covered herself up, then backed to the corner of the tub,
still trembling from the panic residing in her. "Akane, don't do that!"

"Sorry...May I get in?"

"Uh...sure." Ranma was starting to calm down some, slowly
descending from heart-attack levels of anxiety.

The girl slipped into the water, splashing it experimentally as her
body immersed beneath the waves. She smiled awkwardly at Ranma, then
lowered her eyes, somewhat embarassed at her adult form.

"What happened to Mom and Kasumi? I've met Daddy and Nabiki..."

A tear formed in Ranma's eye. Losing her manhood was one thing, but
Akane had lost more - a lot more. "Tell me about your mommy."

She brightened. "Well, she's nice, and sweet, and she cooks well,
and...she's...mom." She bit her lip, happy about some memory.
"Sometimes the four of us will get into the tub together, and sing songs,
and talk, and have a lot of fun...Why are you crying?"

Ranma couldn't take any more. "Akane...Kasumi and your mom are
gone."

"Mom...Kasumi...gone?" The look in Akane's eyes, the instant losing
of innocence, was agonizing to watch - especially for Ranma.

Ranma nodded sadly, then turned to her wife, the sadness in her eyes
unmistakeable. She rose from the water, and put a towel around her. "Come
on, you kawaiikune tomboy. I'll explain it all in a minute." The words
were said more as a term of endearment than an insult.

At the "insult", something stirred inside Akane, as though she were
shown a small snapshot of her memories. Seizing the opportunity, Ranma
got a microphone from...well, wherever they get microphones from, and
started insulting away. She knew the drill all too well.

What she didn't know too well was that power cords and water don't
mix very well. Still, all in all, the job was accomplished - the shock
therapy revived Akane's old memories, good or bad, and saved Ranma a lot
of name-calling.

*************************************************************************

Ukyou Kuonji couldn't take it anymore.

Not that that surprised anyone; she was always #2 on the "most
likely to take a flying leap" list, right after Ryouga. Now, though...

Her love, her _only_ love, had married another.

And gotten raped.

And gotten stuck as a girl.

This was not Ukyou's month.

It was all too much, looking at the woman's face and seeing the man
inside, looking at the two of them, so close even with the curse, and
looking at the dark shadow that had enveloped them both, all because of
that _jackass_ Ryouga...

Now, though, she stood at the edge of a cliff, facing the sunset
disappearing beneath the ocean, crying from the rotting pain within
her...a bottle of pills were in her hand, beckoning her, urging her to
end the pain. All it would take would be to open the little
bottle...take what's inside...and swallow.

She was so tired - tired of hurting, tired of the dull ache that
nagged at her all the time. She opened the bottle, and took out a
handful of pills.

Little. Yellow. Different.

She put two of them in her mouth, then swallowed a bit of water from
a canteen. "That should get rid of this headache," she whispered, trying
to lose herself in the beauty of the sunset.

**************************************************************************

Time heals all wounds.

Yeah. Right.

Still, Ranma and Akane tried the best they could, staying a couple
even with Ranma stuck (It certainly made for some interesting nights...),
acting like any other married couple would, going out to dinner, having
fun...Tonight, for example, the pair went to a film, then to an Italian
restaurant, both wolfing down spaghetti like there was no tomorrow.

"Ranma...?"

"Hmmm?" The young lady glanced up from her plate long enough to
answer, spaghetti sauce ringing her mouth, a couple of drops of sauce
staining her dress.

"Is something the matter? You've been acting weird lately, even for
you. You've been eating my cooking, insisted on Italian tonight, and
haven't been out to practice all week. Are you feeling well?"

"Well..." Ranma pondered the question, examining the events of the
past month. "I probably got that flu you've been having."

This was not the time for Akane to be putting food in her mouth.
She instantly choked on it, coughing up pieces of meatball as she did
so. She looked at Ranma, as though she'd seen a ghost. "Flulike
symptoms?!?"

Ranma shrugged. "Yeah."

"Hello. What's your name?"

The redhead looked up at the sound of the voice. A towheaded young
man, with haunting green eyes, stared mesmerizingly at her, offering his
hand to her. Something primal, carnal kicked in inside of Ranma as she
found herself strangely attracted to him..."Ranma Saotome," she whispered
huskily, accepting his hand, inadvertently blowing her breath into his
face.

"*hack*...thanks,...*cough* Ranma." The man staggered away,
repulsed by Ranma's garlic-laden breath. Ranma simply stared at him as
he left, still caught in his trance, until Akane's snapping fingers
brought her back to reality.

"Huh?" She shivered slightly, becoming repulsed at what she was
thinking. Akane, sensing her love's emotions, reached out to grab one
of her hands.

"Ranma...don't worry about it. If I'm right, there's a perfectly
good reason for it - and the reason why you're stuck."

"Huh?" This night was getting stranger and stranger for
Ranma...Akane continued with her talk.

"If I'm right, you should be able to change back...in about eight
months. You see, Ranma, there was a reason why I had the flu."

"Oh no...you're not telling me..."

A glowing smile appeared on Akane's face. "I was trying to
find a way to tell you, Ranma...I'm pregnant. And, if I'm right, so
are you."

Ranma fainted.

************************************************************************

Once upon a time, a young lad by the name of Ranma Saotome
thought that about all he ever needed to know could be found in
martial arts. The physical exercise, the discipline, the mental
toughness...with these, there was nothing else he needed to know.

Then Jusenkyo happened - and found that self-discipline was
just a little unprepared for that twist of fate.

Then that mess with the fiancees - the girls couldn't be beaten
up, and the guys just came back for more.

Then the...destruction of the dojo. Never before had she felt
completely helpless.

Now...backaches, a belly the size of a beachball, bathroom
visits every half-hour, mood swings that could send a person from
happy to b***h in seconds, baby kicks, strange cravings, morning
sickness...

Fortunately, it was almost over. Just a few more weeks, and
she would give birth. The idea still sounded strange to her ears,
a thing reserved only for women. After that, a few days in the
hospital, a nice hot bath, and...

And what? She stopped her walk for a moment, trying to recall
her memories of before, of when she was a he, when he...

"Ranma? Are you okay? Is it..." Akane stopped with her for a
moment, concern etched on her face, along with that _stupid_ "glow"
everyone keeps talking about pregnant women having. "Glow" my ...

"I'm fine, Akane. Just give me a sec, okay?" She leaned against
a tree, frustrated at her lack of strength, then stared fiercely at
Akane. "Ohhh...if I _ever_ get my hands on Ryouga..."

"I know. Remember, I'm going through the same things."

Ranma scrunched her nose, still fuming from her infirmity. "Yeah...
but at least you were somewhat expecting it. No offense, but mom never
said there'd be days like this!"

"P-Pigtailed girl?!? Akane?!?"

"Hello, Kuno..." Ranma groaned, sensing the beginnings of a
headache coming on. "What's up?"

The former kendo master was dumbstruck, shocked at the condition
of his former loves. "You're...you're..."

"We know," the two said simultaneously, groaning at the obvious
comment that had been coming. Kuno drew a sword from somewhere
(Personally, I'd rather not know) and brandished it in front of the
two.

"Saotome...." Red ki-flames flickered around him, the anger
building as he pictured the immoral depths the sorcerer had descended
to. "I...shall...SMITE THEE!!!!"

A strange glint appeared in Ranma's eye. She started to work her
uber-kawaii act - not the easiest thing to do when eight months
pregnant. "Kuno-sempai..." A tear formed in her eye. "It wasn't
Ranma who ravaged us..."

Kuno stopped, his flames rising. Seduction was one thing: he'd
tried that on a number of occasions. But to force it...his voice
turned cold as ice. "Who?"

Akane, sensing what her "husband" was up to, got in on the act.
"Do you remember Ranma's friend Ryouga?"

At the mentioning of the lost boy's name, the young man's
ki-flames turned blue, a new focus to them. He smiled. It wasn't
often he had the chance to orate like the old days. "Fear not, my
lovelies! The Blue Thunder of vengeance, Tatewaki Kuno, shall smite
the fiend!" He then took off, running into the sunset.

The redhead raised a hand to wipe the sweat from her brow, a small
sigh escaping from her. "Whew. That was -"

Kuno was back, staring the young woman in the face. "Pardon me,
pigtailed girl, but do you know where Ryouga is?"

The sweat came pouring off of the two at that.

***************************************************************************

The doctor went back to his office, took out a bottle of Scotch, and
sank into his chair. He looked broken, twisted, like he'd seen something
he'd rather not see. The poor man opened the bottle, then took out a small
shot glass, his hands nearly fumbling from nerves. His gaze shifted from
the bottle to the glass and back, then, in one swift motion, he chugged the
Scotch, throwing the glass out the window.

It all started with a routine call for help...Dr. Ono was having two
patients delivering at once, and needed a second doctor there to assist.
Naturally, as an experienced obstetrician, the hospital sent him.

The request seemed innocent enough...two girlfriends, both giving
birth, wanting to do it in the same room. Ono insisted, saying they were
related and would welcome the company. A little strange, true, but
not totally unusual, since both shared the same last name.

Once they both were set up, the fun started. Two hours of shouting,
of impassioned cries, of curses...all videotaped for their benefit.
Taking the tape from the desk, he put it in, fast-forwarding to the last
few minutes. His eyes and ears glued to the set, transfixed, as though
watching a car crash, watching as the two screamed at each other from
their compromising positions.

"thruyaseiuhf come on, like I ever thought Shinnosuke was cute!"

"You were ready to leave *AUUUUGH* me for him!" The redhead's eyes
were wide, stretched to the limit from the pain.

"So? He was dying! What do yoOOOOOOUGH expect?"

"Not much, from a kawaiAIIIIkune tomboy *huff* like you!"

"I can see the head! I think..." His own words, strained by the
craziness, as Akane approached the end of her labor.

"That's *OUUUGH* funny, coming from aAIIIIYAAH pervert like you!"

"What's that suppoOOOWWWsed to mean?"

"Let's see. Born a guy, changed intAAAAUGH a girl, gets
stOWWWWWck that way, and is currently giving birth! Real normal,
Ranma!"

"You're almost there! Push!" Dr. Ono yelled, just as
strained as he was, watching as the the first inklings of a head
appeared.

"Yeah! LiYIIIIke I could help it! Also, you marrieEEEEEd me,
remember?"

"Yeah..." The word was strangely quiet for her.

Thankfully, this last comment brought several seconds of bliss,
silence save the typical screams and groans of childbirth.

"Hey, Akane." The voice seemed unusually perky for the situation.

"*huff* Yeah?"

"Betcha my kid comes oOWWWWWt before yours!"

The fierceness in Akane's look was indescribable. "You're on."

The calls to push came from the doctors, urging them on, desperately
wanting an end to this. This was sick...twisted beyond words. The two
pushed hard, trying to outdo the other, trying to outBIRTH the other...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
"UUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!"

Then the crying came, breaking the tension of the room, returning
both of the women to some semblance of normality. Their eyes glowed as
they were given their children, wet, wrinkled, and all, in the way only
mothers do.

Akane's child was a joy to see, a nice, healthy boy. A few black
hairs stuck out from the nearly bald head. She held it for a moment,
tears of joy running down her face, then handed him to the nurse to clean
up.

The strange redheaded girl's's baby was a little different. Babies
usually aren't born with pigtails. Her son was for some strange reason...

The doctor edged closer to the screen, knowing what was about to
happen, yet disbelieving nonetheless.

"YEAAAAAHH!!" The nurse laid the baby on the table near the sink,
her hands shaking, somehow terrified. His screen self approached to
look...then fainted dead away. For some reason, Ono just stood there,
a slight professional interest on his face, looking at the baby with mild
amusement. The cameraman, thank goodness, brought the camera closer, to
get a good shot.

Somehow, Akane's baby...Impossible. Even looking at the screen, he
couldn't believe it. It was a boy that she gave birth to, with black
hair...but how...

He took one leering look at the redheaded baby girl on the
screen, then glanced at the half-emptied bottle of Scotch. In a swift
motion, the physician downed the rest, ignoring the bite, draining it
in a matter of seconds.

**************************************************************************

Sixteen years later...

Ryouga Hibiki wandered through a random city, wondering his
destination - or how close he was to Niichieju. Being eternally lost was
one thing, but being late to your own wedding was another thing
entirely. Knowing Perfume, though, she'd forgive him for it (sorta).
She's probably wandering for him right now, ready to kill or...or...
He quickly took off a bandanna, tying it around his nose to stop the flow
of blood.

"Excuse me, do you know the direction to Furinkan High School?"

The lost man turned around to the owner of the voice. A young lad
of about high school age stood before him, looking about as lost as he
was. He wore a basic school uniform, though he retained his
individuality with a long black ponytail. Extended canines protruded
from his mouth, giving him an almost vampiric look. He looked
imploringly at Ryouga, then slowly backed up, as though he'd seen a
ghost.

"Ataruuuu...."

The source of the pretty voice was a young girl, of roughly the same
age as the boy, with red hair hanging down to her waist, haunting brown
eyes, and a sailor dress flowing around a trim, fit frame. She ran to
them, only to catch the anger building up in the boy's eyes and the
dawning realization in the man's.

"Uhh...ano..." Ryouga tried to say something, but any words coming
out tangled up in his disbelief. Somehow, things had come full circle -
and it was time for him to pay.

"Ranko. Run. Now." The boy started to glow puce with ki-energy.

The girl put a hand to her forehead, frustrated at her brother's
anger problem. "Come on, Ataru. This guy isn't worth blowing up over."

Ataru only grew brighter. "Ever hear of Ryouga Hibiki?"

Ranko looked at the man, then strained to remember pictures her
parents showed them...of Ataru's natural father. She bowed to him, then
turned around. "Sir...good luck. You'll need it." Dust kicked up behind
her as she flew away, desperate to get out of blast radius.

"Because of you, my parents have seen..."

"Hey, that's my line!"

"...this!" The strangely colored energy erupted, destroying
everything in its wake, flaying the skin from Ryouga's bones.

The last thoughts Ryouga Hibiki had before leaving this mortal coil
were about ham sandwiches and the incongruity of puce ki-energy.

*************************************************************************

Ryouga woke up in a rather large, spacious office, the likes of
which even he hadn't seen. The furniture was a strange mix of an
elegant eighteenth-century set and something out of a sci-fi flick, with
supercomputer setups placed next to ancient highbacked chairs and
loungers. The main desk was panelled with rich rosewood, with a computer
screen attached to the top. The walls showed rich, realistically-painted
portraits, including a few that were familiar to him: Kuno (Talk about
your difficult fights!), Kasumi, Dr. Tofu...then noticed the surname
intricately carved on the desk.

Ono.

All of a sudden, the afterlife was looking pretty bleak.

***************************************************************************

Please C&C this. I write comedy like an engineer. Also, this is the
first fanfic I've directly written into the computer, rather than one or
two paper drafts, then posting.

The title comes from two sources. The first is "Lemonade" by John Biles,
a parody that I have yet to read (I do wish these stupid computers would
have WinZip...). Since this is a darkfic parody, I thought it
appropriate. The other source is a drink that the local coffee shop used
to sell. I think the FDA banned it, though...

Anyway, considering the number and proliferation of darkfics, I thought
it time to write a parody of them.

Finally, to all those who are offended by my 'fic...

:P BIIIIIIIIIII!!

Thanks:

To Rumiko Takahashi, for creating "Ranma 1/2"

To the ML, for all the fun.

To Jhon, for thinking up the original "Lemonade", and to all those on
the early mailing list, for their comments.

Also, to all the darkfic writers out there whose works influenced this
work in any way (far too numerous to mention): Thank you. You know, we
_really_ need to learn how to perform a Shishi Houkoudan. It gets rid of
the depression a lot faster, and only causes a little property damage.

Thanks, all.

Nicholas Leifker
"Nightelf"
September 13, 1996