long-distance relationships
mur...@hou2a.uucp
My experiences (and those of some friends) with long-
distance relationships have led me to the conclusion
that they don't work. When one party moves away, there
begins a period of some months of trying to hold things
together, which is frustrating, distracting, and hideously
expensive. Then the inevitable happens: someone moves in
to occupy the vacant niche. I would guesstimate the life-
span of long-distance relationships to be on the order of
6 months. If you are very serious about keeping that some-
one close to you, you had better do just that--physically.
Either you move or they move so that you can live in the
same area.
Otherwise, start planning on being "just friends".
There are undoubtedly those who can make it work on the
strength of long, wistful phone calls and frantic weekend
flights, but don't count on being among them.
Rich Ganns
hou2a!murphy
Jay Weber
Before we split, we both talked it over and realized that due to the
tenuousness of long-distance romances, (at least by popular opinion)
we should not expect to carry on in the same "coupled" relationship.
However, I can say that our admissions to each other that we understand
that nothing can be taken for granted except our friendship has in some
ways *helped* our relationship. Now we both feel less pressure to
perform in certain roles and feel free to pursue our own lives, but
we still share very tender moments (albeit expensive).
Though I have not passed the "six month threshold", I feel that long
distance relationships can work if you mutally agree on each other's
independence. On the other hand, I believe that a long-distance
romance has inherent problems. Who knows? Maybe a romance can
become a long-distance relationship and back again.
-Jay Weber {..!seismo!rochester!jay, j...@rochester.arpa}
Scott Anderson
Certainly, long-distance relationships are hard to maintain, but I'd be
interested to find out what percentage really fail. Also, how does
this correlate with age? I'll bet most high-school romances fail if
the two go off to separate colleges. But, I'll bet fewer college romances
fail, say if one of the couple transfers to another college, or if
both graduate and take jobs relatively far away. Obviously, you'll
NEVER see one another if one's in NY and the other's in LA, but if one's
in NY and the other's in Boston, then it's reasonable to see one another
every other weekend.
In my experience, I've seen four long-distance relationships. Two
resulted in marriage, eventually; one is still going; and the last (the
only once that started in high school) failed. That's a 25% fail rate.
Comments?
Scott D. Anderson
decvax!ittvax!anderson OR
be...@umcp-cs.uucp
roommate was married in May after long-distancing for four years while her
now-husband went through medical school. There were some very difficult times,
but they are happily married now.
First LDR:. I dated L throughout college. We went to grad schools about 300
miles apart. We had always dated other people but if we had managed to get into
the same grad school, we would probably be married now (I was too stubborn to
give up grad school). We knew we would date other people, and he is now engaged
to someone else. We thought we would be happier with other people. Long
distance was not a cause of our breakup.
Plug for making friends first and lovers later:
Meanwhile, I had become good friends with a person I worked with, D. We just
started talking and spending more time together eating dinner, playing bridge,
etc. I had more in common with him than with L. When it came time for him to
find a job, I was still unsure of my feelings for L. He moved about 450 miles
away, and within the month, L and I parted. Most people here realized that D
and I had become quite close (our advisor in particular), so it comes as no
surprise that I am now involved in another LDR. It has been 4.5 months, and
life is going well, but again I won't give up grad school, yet, but maybe ...
Moral: LDRs can work if you really love each other. You have to allow each
other to date and make other friends. Talk about everyday things to keep in
touch with each other. Write letters even about day-to-day life.
Secondary moral: Being friends can lead to being lovers. Being yourself is
of utmost importance. Sooner or later the facade will have to fall. Relax.
Too many people, particularly shy men, try too hard.
--
Beth Katz at Univ. of Maryland, College Park, Dept. of Computer Science
UUCP: {seismo,allegra,brl-bmd}!umcp-cs!beth
CSNet: beth@umcp-cs ARPA: beth.umcp-cs@CSNet-Relay
David C. Kovar
Long distance relationships are just one more thing that
depends on the people involved and how much they want to make it
work. One of my best friends met a guy at Berkeley in her
sophmore year. She has since graduated and is now attending law
school somewhere in the Tenesse. Despite temptations, frustrations,
and depressions in both camps they have not found "someone else
to fill the nitch" and are planning on getting married this
June.
My ex-girlfriend took off to go to Smith while I was still
in my senior year of high school. I eventually came to Dartmouth,
but Smith is still two hours away. There were many letters and
$75 phone bills, but the relationship survived and in some ways
grew. In one sense it was *easier* for both of us to be at a
distance: We could work hard during the week with little or no
distractions and look forward to weekends.
I know of two married couples that live apart during the
week and get together on weekends. In one case they maintain a
home in D.C. and the husband comes home on weekends. In the other
case they maintain two homes and visit each other on alternate
weekends. As far as I can see, both marriages are going strong.
So, the point is (finally, they say...) that it depends
on the people involved. If your love can't overcome the distances
involved, perhaps it was not meant to be. If you yeild to temptaion
while your significant other is 200 miles away, the same might happen
after you are married and are off on a business trip. Look at yourself
and see if *you* have the strength to hold a distant relationship
together and make it grow.
--
David C. Kovar
Usenet: {linus, decvax}!dartvax!davidk
ARPA: kovar@MIT-ML (Infrequent)
U.S. Snail HB 3140
Dartmouth College
Hanover NH
03755
"The difficult we did yesterday, the impossible we are doing now."
Marla S Baer
Long Distance Relationships can work. When I was in college, I
shared an apartment with a couple of friends (both of them are male,
I am female). It was strictly a platonic relationship. During that
time, I became very close to one of them. After graduation, we went
our separate ways, I moved to Seattle, David moved to Houston. We
kept in touch for over two years by phone letter, and an occasional
trip. Finally, last spring, David was laid off. He decided to
move up to Seattle (With a little convincing :-) ). We have now set
the date, and will be married on May 27,1984 at my mom's house in
NJ!
Marla S. Baer
ssc-vax!marla