What a Relief to be
Abandoned!
By Sam Vaknin
Author of "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism
Revisited"
When the narcissist’s spouse, girlfriend, or intimate
partner gets to know him better, warts and all, she recoils and withdraws: first
sexually and then, to avoid further hurt, emotionally. The narcissist acutely
senses this withdrawal. To avoid a major narcissistic injury, he detaches from
her abruptly, thus deceiving himself into believing that he was the one to has
bailed out first and to have pre-emptively abandoned her. Thus, to his mind, he
had maintained and still remains in control.
The dissolution of the abuser's marriage or other
meaningful (romantic, business, or other) relationships constitutes a major life
crisis and a scathing narcissistic injury. To soothe and salve the pain of
disillusionment, he administers to his aching soul a mixture of lies,
distortions, half-truths and outlandish interpretations of events around
him.
All abusers present with rigid and infantile
(primitive) defense mechanisms: splitting, projection, Projective
Identification, denial, intellectualization, and narcissism. But some abusers go
further and decompensate by resorting to self-delusion. Unable to face the
dismal failures that they are, they partially withdraws from
reality.
The Masochistic Avoidant Solution
The abuser directs some of this fury inwards,
punishing himself for his "failure". This masochistic behavior has the added
"benefit" of forcing the abuser's closest to assume the roles of dismayed
spectators or of persecutors and thus, either way, to pay him the attention that
he craves.
Self-administered punishment often manifests as
self-handicapping masochism – a cop-out. By undermining his work, his
relationships, and his efforts, the increasingly fragile abuser avoids
additional criticism and censure (negative supply). Self-inflicted failure is
the abuser's doing and thus proves that he is the master of his own
fate.
Masochistic abusers keep finding themselves in
self-defeating circumstances which render success impossible –
and "an objective assessment of their performance
improbable" (Millon, 2000). They act carelessly, withdraw in
mid-effort, are constantly fatigued, bored, or disaffected and thus
passive-aggressively sabotage their lives. Their suffering is defiant and by
"deciding to abort" they reassert their omnipotence.
The abuser's pronounced and public misery and
self-pity are compensatory and "reinforce (his) self-esteem against
overwhelming convictions of worthlessness"(Millon, 2000). His
tribulations and anguish render him, in his eyes, unique, saintly, virtuous,
righteous, resilient, and significant. They are, in other words, self-generated
Narcissistic Supply.
Thus, paradoxically, the worst his anguish and
unhappiness, the more relieved and elated such an abuser feels! He is
"liberated" and "unshackled" by his own self-initiated abandonment, he insists.
He never really wanted this commitment, he tells any willing (or buttonholed)
listener – and anyhow, the relationship was doomed from the beginning by the
egregious excesses and exploits of his wife (or partner or friend or
boss).
The Delusional Narrative Solution
This kind of abuser constructs a narrative in which he
figures as the hero – brilliant, perfect, irresistibly handsome, destined for
great things, entitled, powerful, wealthy, the centre of attention, etc. The
bigger the strain on this delusional charade – the greater the gap between
fantasy and reality – the more the delusion coalesces and
solidifies.
Finally, if it is sufficiently protracted, it replaces
reality and the abuser's reality test deteriorates. He withdraws his bridges and
may become schizotypal, catatonic, or schizoid.
The Antisocial Solution
This type of abuser has a natural affinity with the
criminal. His lack of empathy and compassion, his deficient social skills, his
disregard for social laws and morals – now erupt and blossom. He becomes a full
fledged antisocial (sociopath or psychopath). He ignores the wishes and needs of
others, he breaks the law, he violates all rights – natural and legal, he holds
people in contempt and disdain, he derides society and its codes, he punishes
the ignorant ingrates – that, to his mind, drove him to this state – by acting
criminally and by jeopardizing their safety, lives, or property.
The Paranoid Schizoid Solution
Another class of abuser develop persecutory delusions.
He perceives slights and insults where none were intended. He becomes subject to
ideas of reference (people are gossiping about him, mocking him, prying into his
affairs, cracking his e-mail, etc.). He is convinced that he is the centre of
malign and mal-intentioned attention. People are conspiring to humiliate him,
punish him, abscond with his property, delude him, impoverish him, confine him
physically or intellectually, censor him, impose on his time, force him to
action (or to inaction), frighten him, coerce him, surround and besiege him,
change his mind, part with his values, victimize or even murder him, and so
on.
Some abusers withdraw completely from a world
populated with such minacious and ominous objects (really projections of
internal objects and processes). They avoid all social contact, except the most
necessary. They refrain from meeting people, falling in love, having sex,
talking to others, or even corresponding with them. In short: they become
schizoids – not out of social shyness, but out of what they feel to be their
choice. "This evil, hopeless world does not deserve me" – goes the inner refrain
– "and I shall waste none of my time and resources on it."
The Paranoid Aggressive (Explosive)
Solution
Other abusers who develop persecutory delusions,
resort to an aggressive stance, a more violent resolution of their internal
conflict. They become verbally, psychologically, situationally (and, more
rarely, physically) abusive. They insult, castigate, chastise, berate, demean,
and deride their nearest and dearest (often well wishers and loved ones). They
explode in unprovoked displays of indignation, righteousness, condemnation, and
blame. Theirs is an exegetic Bedlam. They interpret everything – even the most
innocuous, inadvertent, and innocent comment – as designed to provoke and
humiliate them. They sow fear, revulsion, hate, and malignant envy. They flail
against the windmills of reality – a pathetic, forlorn, sight. But often they
cause real and lasting damage – fortunately, mainly to
themselves.