By: Ken Heilbrunn, M.D., Seattle,
Washington, USA (ksb...@aol.com)
Hello. Recognise me? No? Well,
you see me all the time. You read my books, watch me on the big screen, feast on
my art, cheer at my games, use my inventions, vote me into office, follow me
into battle, take notes at my lectures, laugh at my jokes, marvel at my
successes, admire my appearance, listen to my stories, discuss my politics,
enjoy my music, excuse my faults, envy me my blessings. No? Still doesn't ring a
bell? Well, you have seen me. Of that I am positive. In fact, if there is one
thing I am absolutely sure of, it is that. You have seen me.
Perhaps our paths crossed more
privately. Perhaps I am the one who came along and built you up when you were
down, employed you when you needed a job, showed the way when you were lost,
offered confidence when you were doubting, made you laugh when you were blue,
sparked your interest when you were bored, listened to you and understood, saw
you for what you really are, felt your pain and found the answers, made you want
to be alive. Of course you recognise me. I am your inspiration, your role model,
your saviour, your leader, your best friend, the one you aspire to emulate, the
one whose favour makes you glow.
But I can also be your worst
nightmare. First I build you up because that's what you need. Your skies are
blue. Then, out of the blue, I start tearing you down. You let me do it because
that's what you are used to. You are dumfounded. But I was wrong to take pity on
you. You really ARE incompetent, disrespectful, untrustworthy, immoral,
ignorant, inept, egotistical, constrained, disgusting. You are a social
embarrassment, an unappreciative partner, an inadequate parent, a
disappointment, a sexual flop, a financial liability.
I tell you this to your face. I
must. It is my right, because it is. I behave, at home and away, in any way I
want to, with total disregard for conventions, mores, or the feelings of others.
It is my right, because it is. I lie to your face, without a twitch or a
twitter, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. In fact, my lies
are not lies at all. They are the truth, my truth. And you believe them, because
you do, because they do not sound or feel like lies, because to do otherwise
would make you question your own sanity, which you have a tendency to do anyway,
because from the very beginning of our relationship you placed your trust and
hopes in me, derived your energy, direction, stability, and confidence from me
and from your association with me. So what's the problem if the safe haven I
provide comes with a price? Surely I am worth it and then some.
Run to our friends. Go. See what
that will get you. Ridicule. People believe
what they see and what they see is the same wonderful me that you also saw and
still do. What they also see is the very mixed up person that you have obviously
become. The more you plead for understanding, the more convinced they are that
the crazy one is you, the more isolated you feel, and the harder you try to make
things right again, not by changing me but by accepting my criticisms and by
striving to improve yourself. Could it be that you were wrong about me in the
beginning? So wrong as that? How do you think
our friends will react if you insist that they are also wrong about me? After
all, they know that it really is you who have thwarted my progress, tainted my
reputation, and thrown me off course.
I disappoint you? Outrageous!
You are the one who have disappointed me. Look at all the frustrations you cause
me. Lucky for you, I have an escape from all this, and fortunately my reputation
provides enough insulation from the outside world so I can indulge in this
escape with impunity. What escape? Why, those eruptions of rage you dread and
fear. Ah, it feels so good to rage. It is the expression of and the confirmation
of my power over you, my absolute superiority. Lying feels good too, for the
same reason, but nothing compares to the pleasure of exploding for no material
reason and venting my anger with total abandon, all the time a spectator at my
own show and at your helplessness, pain, fear, frustration, and
dependence.
In
fact my raging is precisely what allows me to stay with you. Go ahead. Tell our
friends about it. See if they can imagine what it's like, let alone believe it.
The more outrageous the things you say about me, the more convinced they are
that it is you who have taken a turn for the worse. And don't expect much more
from your therapist either. You may tell him this or that, but what he sees when
I visit him is something quite different. So what's the therapist to believe?
After all, it was you who came for help. No! That's what this is all about.
No! That simple two-letter word that, regardless of how bad I am, you
simply cannot say. Who
knows? You might even acquire some of my behaviour yourself.
But you know what? This may come
as a shock, but I can also be my own worst nightmare. I can and I am. You see,
at heart my life is nothing more than illusion-clad confusion. I have no idea
why I do what I do, nor do I care to find out. In fact, the mere notion of
asking the question is so repulsive to me that I employ all of my resources to
repel it. I reconstruct facts, fabricate illusions, act them out, and thus
create my own reality. It is a precarious state of existence indeed, so I am
careful to include enough demonstrable truth in my illusions to ensure their
credibility. And I am forever testing that credibility on you and on the
reactions of others.
Fortunately my real attributes
and accomplishments are in sufficient abundance to fuel my illusions seemingly
forever. And modern society, blessed/cursed modern society, values most what I
do best and thus serves as my accomplice. Even I get lost in my own illusions,
swept away by my own magic.
So, not to
worry if you still do not recognise me. I don't recognise me either. In fact, I am not
really sure who I am. That's probably a question you never ask of yourself. Yet
I wonder about it all the time. Perhaps I am not too different from everyone
else, just better. After all, that's the feedback I get. My admirers certainly
wish they were me. They just don't have the gifts
I have, nor the courage I have to express
them. That's what the universe is telling me.
Then again THE
universe or MY universe? As
long as the magic of my illusions works on me too, there really is no need for
distinction. All I need is an abundant fan club to stay on top of it all. So I
am constantly taking fan club inventory, testing the loyalty of present members
with challenges of abuse, writing off defectors with total indifference, and
scouting the landscape for new recruits. Do you see my dilemma? I use people who
are dependent on me to keep my illusions alive. So really it is I who am
dependent on them.
Even the rage, that orgasmic
release of pain and anger, works better with an audience. On some level I am
aware of my illusions, but to admit that would spoil the magic. And that I
couldn't bear. So I proclaim that what I do is of no consequence and no
different from what others do, and thus I create an illusion about my creating
illusions.
So, no, I don't recognise me any
better than you do. I wouldn't dare. Like my fans, I marvel at my own being.
Then again, sometimes I wish that I were not the person I am. You find that
confusing? How do you think it makes me feel? I need my own magic to stay
afloat. Sometimes others like me recruit me into their magic. But that's ok. As
long as we feed off of each other, who's the worse for wear? It only confirms my
illusion about my illusions: that I am no different from most other people, just
a bit better.
But
I AM different and we both know it, although neither one of us dares to admit
it. Therein lies the
root of my hostility. I tear you
down because in reality I am envious of you BECAUSE I am different. At some
haunting level I see my magic for what it is and realise that people around me
function just fine WITHOUT any "magic".
This terrifies me. Panic
stricken, I try all my old tricks: displays of my talents, unnecessary
deceptions, self-serving distortions, skilful seductions, ludicrous
projections,frightening rages, whatever. Normally,
that works. But if it fails, watch out. Like a solar-powered battery in
darkness, my fire goes out and I cease to exist. Destitution sets
in.
That is the key to understanding
me. Most people strive for goals and feel good when they approach them. They
move toward something positive. I move in the same direction but my movement is
away from something negative. That's why I never stop, am never content, no
matter what I achieve. That negative thing seems to follow me around like a
shadow. I dowse myself in light and it fades, but that's all it does. Exhausted,
I ultimately succumb to it, again and again.
Where did it come from, this
negativity? Probably from before I learned to talk. When you were exploring your
world for the first time, with the usual little toddler mishaps, your mother
kept a careful eye on you, intervened when she saw you heading for danger, and
comforted you when you made a mistake, even if you cried.
Well, that's not how it was for
me. My mother's expectations of me were much higher. Mistakes were mistakes and
crying was not the way to get her approval. That required being perfect, so
that's exactly what I became. Not the little awkward toddler that I was, but my
mother's model child. Not the brave and curious little person that I really was,
but the fearful personification of my mother's ideal.
What you were experiencing
through your little mishaps and mistakes were small doses of shame. What you
were learning from your quick recoveries was shame repair. At first your mother
did most of the repairing. Through repetition, you gradually learned how to do
it by yourself. Shame repair brain circuitry was being laid down that would
carry you for the rest of your life. I had no such luck. I simply did not
acquire that skill when nature had intended my brain to acquire it. No one
enjoys shame. But most people can deal with it. Not me. I fear it the way most
people fear snakes.
How many others like me are
there? More than you might think, and our numbers are increasing. Take twenty
people off the street and you will find one whose mind ticks so much like mine
that you could consider us clones. Impossible, you say. It is simply not
possible for that many people – highly accomplished, respected, and visible
people – to be out there replacing reality with illusions, each in the same way
and for reasons they know not. It is simply not possible for so many
shame-phobic robots of havoc and chaos, as I describe myself, to function daily
midst other educated, intelligent, and experienced individuals, and pass for
normal. It is simply not possible for such an aberration of human cognition and
behaviour to infiltrate and infect the population in such numbers, virtually
undetected by the radar of mental health professionals. It is simply not
possible for so much visible positive to contain so much concealed negative. It
is simply not possible.
But it is. That is the
enlightenment of "Narcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin. Sam is himself one such
clone. What distinguishes him is his
uncharacteristic courage to confront, and his uncanny understanding of, that
which makes us tick, himself included. Not only does Sam dare ask and then
answer the question we clones avoid like the plague, he does so with relentless,
laser-like precision. Read his book. Take your seat at the double-headed
microscope and let Sam guide you through the dissection.
Like a brain surgeon operating
on himself, Sam explores and exposes the alien
among us, hoping beyond hope for a resectable tumour but finding instead each and every
cell teeming with the same resistant virus. The operation is long and tedious,
and at times frightening and hard to believe. Read on. The parts exposed are as
they are, despite what may seem hyperbolic or farfetched. Their validity might
not hit home until later, when coupled with memories of past events and
experiences.
I
am, as I said, my own worst nightmare. True, the world is replete with my
contributions, and I am lots of fun to be around. And true, most contributions
like mine are not the result of troubled souls. But many more than you might
want to believe are. And if by chance you get caught in my web, I can make your
life a living hell. But remember this. I am in that web too. The difference
between you and me is that you can get out.
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