Stalkers are not made
of one cloth. Some of them are psychopaths, others are schizoids, narcissists,
paranoids, or an admixture of these mental health disorders. Stalkers harass
their victims because they are lonely, or because it is fun (these are latent
sadists), or because they can't help it (clinging or
co-dependent behavior), or for a myriad different reasons.
Clearly, coping techniques suited to one type of stalker
may backfire or prove to be futile with another. The only denominator common to
all bullying stalkers is their pent-up rage. The stalker is angry at his or her
targets and hates them. He perceives his victims as unnecessarily and churlishly
frustrating. The aim of stalking is to "educate" the victim and to punish
her.
The standard – and good – advice is to avoid all contact
with your stalker, to ignore him, even as you take precautions. But being evaded
only inflames the stalker's wrath and enhances his frustration. The more he
feels sidelined and stonewalled, the more persistent he becomes, the more
intrusive and the more aggressive.
It is essential, therefore, to first identify the type of
abuser you are faced with.
This kind of stalker believes that he is in love with you
and that, regardless of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the feeling is
reciprocal (you are in love with him). He interprets everything you do (or
refrain from doing) as coded
messages confessing your eternal devotion to him and to your
"relationship". Erotomaniacs are lonely, socially-inapt people. They may also be
people with whom you have been involved romantically (e.g., your former spouse,
a former boyfriend, a one night stand) – or otherwise (for instance, colleagues
or co-workers).
Best coping strategy
Ignore the erotomaniac. Do not communicate with him or
even acknowledge his existence. The erotomaniac clutches at straws and often
suffers from ideas of
reference. He tends to blow out of proportion every comment or gesture of
his "loved one". Avoid contact – do not talk to him, return his gifts unopened,
refuse to discuss him with others, delete his correspondence.
Feels entitled to your time,
attention, admiration, and resources. Interprets every rejection as an act of
aggression which leads to a narcissistic injury. Reacts with sustained rage and vindictiveness. Can turn violent because he feels
omnipotent and immune to the consequences of his actions.
Make clear that you want no further contact with him and
that this decision is not personal. Be firm. Do not hesitate to inform him that
you hold him responsible for his stalking, bullying, and harassment and that you
will take all necessary steps to protect yourself. Narcissists are cowards
and easily intimidated.
Luckily, they never get emotionally attached to their prey and so can move on
with ease.
By far the most dangerous the lot. Lives in an
inaccessible world of his own making. Cannot be reasoned with or cajoled.
Thrives on threats, anxiety, and fear. Distorts every communication to feed
his persecutory
delusions.
"The paranoid's
conduct is unpredictable and there is no 'typical scenario'. But experience
shows that you can minimize the danger to yourself and to your
household by taking some basic steps.
If at all possible,
put as much physical distance as you can between yourself and the stalker.
Change address, phone number, email accounts, cell phone number, enlist the kids
in a new school, find a new job, get a new credit card, open a new bank account.
Do not inform your paranoid ex about your whereabouts and your new life. You may
have to make painful sacrifices, such as minimize contact with your
family and friends.
Even
with all these precautions, your abusive ex is likely to find you, furious that
you have fled and evaded him, raging at your new found existence,
suspicious and resentful of your freedom and
personal autonomy. Violence is more than likely. Unless
deterred, paranoid former spouses tend to be harmful, even
lethal.
Be prepared: alert
your local law enforcement officers, check out
your neighborhood domestic violence shelter, consider owning a
gun for self-defense (or, at the very least, a stun gun or mustard spray).
Carry these with you at all times. Keep them close by and accessible even when
you are asleep or in the bathroom.
Erotomanic stalking can last many years. Do not let down
your guard even if you haven't heard from him. Stalkers leave traces. They tend,
for instance, to 'scout' the territory before they make their move. A typical
stalker invades his or her victim's privacy a few times long before the crucial
and injurious encounter.
Is your computer being tampered with? Is someone
downloading your e-mail? Has anyone been to your house while you were away? Any
signs of breaking and entering, missing things, atypical disorder (or too much
order)? Is your post being delivered erratically, some of the envelopes opened
and then sealed? Mysterious phone calls abruptly disconnected when you pick up?
Your stalker must have dropped by and is monitoring you.
Notice any unusual
pattern, any strange event, any weird occurrence. Someone is driving by your
house morning and evening? A new 'gardener' or maintenance man came by in your
absence? Someone is making inquiries about you and your family? Maybe
it's time to move on.
Teach your children to avoid your paranoid ex and to
report to you immediately any contact he has made with them. Abusive bullies
often strike where it hurts most – at one's kids. Explain the danger without
being unduly alarming. Make a distinction between adults they can trust – and
your abusive former spouse, whom they should avoid.
Ignore your gut reactions and impulses. Sometimes, the
stress is so onerous and so infuriating that you feel like striking back at the
stalker. Don't do it. Don't play his game. He is better at it than you are and
is likely to defeat you. Instead, unleash the full force of the law whenever you
get the chance to do so: restraining orders, spells in jail, and frequent visits
from the police tend to check the abuser's violent and intrusive
conduct.
The
other behavioral extreme is equally futile and counterproductive. Do
not try to buy peace by appeasing your abuser. Submissiveness and attempts
to reason with him only whet the stalker's appetite. He regards both as
contemptible weaknesses, vulnerabilities he can exploit. You cannot communicate
with a paranoid because he is likely to distort everything you say to support
his persecutory delusions, sense of entitlement, and grandiose fantasies. You cannot appeal to his emotions
– he has none, at least not positive ones.
Remember: your abusive and paranoid former partner blames it all on you. As far as
he is concerned, you recklessly and unscrupulously wrecked a wonderful thing you
both had going. He is vengeful, seething, and prone to bouts of uncontrolled and
extreme aggression. Don't listen to those who tell you to 'take it easy'.
Hundreds of thousands of women paid with their lives for heeding this advice.
Your paranoid stalker is inordinately dangerous – and, more likely than not, he
is with you for a long time to come."
Though ruthless and,
typically, violent, the psychopath is a calculating machine, out
to maximize his gratification and personal profit. Psychopaths
lack empathy and may even be sadistic – but understand well and instantly the
language of carrots and sticks.
Best coping strategy
Convince your psychopath that messing with your life or
with your nearest is going to cost him dearly. Do not threaten him. Simply, be
unequivocal about your desire to be left in peace and your intentions to involve
the Law should he stalk, harass, or threaten you. Give him a choice between
being left alone and becoming the target of multiple arrests, restraining
orders, and worse. Take extreme precautions at all times and meet him only in
public places.
This kind of stalker believes that he is in love with you.
To show his keen interest, he keeps calling you, dropping by, writing e-mails,
doing unsolicited errands "on your behalf", talking to your friends, co-workers,
and family, and, in general, making himself available at all times. The
erotomaniac feels free to make for you legal, financial, and emotional decisions
and to commit you without your express consent or even knowledge.
The erotomaniac intrudes on your privacy, does not respect
your express wishes and personal boundaries and ignores your emotions, needs,
and preferences. To him – or her – "love" means enmeshment and clinging coupled
with an overpowering separation anxiety (fear of being abandoned). He or she may
even force himself (or herself) upon you sexually.
Moreover, no amount of denials, chastising, threats, and
even outright hostile actions will convince the erotomaniac that you are not in
love with him. He knows better and will make you see the light as well. You are
simply unaware of what is good for you, divorced as you are from your emotions.
The erotomaniac determinedly sees it as his or her task to bring life and
happiness into your dreary existence.
Thus, regardless of overwhelming evidence to the contrary,
the erotomaniac is convinced that his or her feelings are reciprocated – in
other words, that you are equally in love with him or her. The erotomanic
stalker interprets everything you do (or refrain from doing) as coded
messages confessing to and conveying your eternal devotion to him and
to your "relationship".
Erotomaniacs are socially-inapt, awkward, schizoid, and suffer from a host
of mood and anxiety disorders. They may also be people with whom you have been
involved romantically (e.g., your former spouse, a former boyfriend, a one night
stand) – or otherwise (for instance, colleagues or co-workers). They are driven
by their all-consuming loneliness and all-pervasive fantasies.
Consequently, erotomaniacs react badly to any perceived
rejection by their victims. They turn on a dime and become dangerously vindictive, out to destroy the
source of their mounting frustration – you. When the "relationship" looks
hopeless, many erotomaniacs turn to violence in a spree of
self-destruction.
Best coping strategy
Ignore the erotomaniac. Do not communicate with him or
even acknowledge his existence. The erotomaniac clutches at straws and often
suffers from ideas of
reference. He tends to blow out of proportion every comment or gesture of
his "loved one".
Follow these behaviour tips – the No Contact
Policy:
- With the exception of the minimum
mandated by the courts – decline any and
all GRATUITOUS contact with your
stalker;
- Do not respond to his pleading,
romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening e-mail
messages;
- Return all gifts he sends
you;
- Refuse him entry to your premises.
Do not even respond to the intercom;
- Do not talk to him on the phone.
Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him, in a single,
polite but firm, sentence, that you are determined not to talk to
him;
- Do not answer his
letters;
- Do not visit him on special
occasions, or in emergencies;
- Do not respond to questions,
requests, or pleas forwarded to you through third parties;
- Disconnect from third parties whom
you know are spying on you at his behest;
- Do not discuss him with your
children;
- Do not ask him for anything, even
if you are in dire need;
- When you are forced to meet him,
do not discuss your personal affairs – or his;
- Relegate any inevitable contact
with him – when and where possible – to professionals: your lawyer, or your
accountant.
Feels entitled to your time,
attention, admiration, and resources. Interprets every rejection as an act of
aggression which leads to a narcissistic injury. Reacts with sustained rage andvindictiveness. Can turn violent because he feels
omnipotent and immune to the consequences of his actions.
Make clear that you want no further contact with him and
that this decision is not personal. Be firm. Do not hesitate to inform him that
you hold him responsible for his stalking, bullying, and harassment and that you
will take all necessary steps to protect yourself. Narcissists are cowards
and easily intimidated.
Luckily, they never get emotionally attached to their prey and so can move on
with ease.
Other coping strategies
I. Frighten Him
Narcissists live in a state of constant rage, repressed
aggression, envy and hatred. They firmly believe that everyone else is precisely
like them. As a result, they are paranoid, suspicious, scared, labile, and
unpredictable. Frightening the narcissist is a powerful behaviour modification
tool. If sufficiently deterred – the narcissist promptly disengages, gives up
everything he fought for and sometimes makes amends.
To act effectively, one has to identify the
vulnerabilities and susceptibilities of the narcissist and strike repeated,
escalating blows at them – until the narcissist lets go and
vanishes.
Example: If a narcissist has a secret – one should use
this fact to threaten him. One should drop cryptic hints that there are
mysterious witnesses to the events and recently revealed evidence.
The narcissist has a very vivid imagination. Most of the
drama takes place in the paranoid mind of the narcissist. His imagination runs
amok. He finds himself snarled by horrifying scenarios, pursued by the vilest
"certainties". The narcissist is his own worst persecutor and prosecutor. Let
his imagination do the rest.
You don't have to do much except utter a vague reference,
make an ominous allusion, delineate a possible turn of events. The narcissist
will do the rest for you. He is like a small child in the dark, generating the
very monsters that paralyse him with fear.
The narcissist may have been involved in tax evasion, in
malpractice, in child abuse, in infidelity – there are so many possibilities,
which offer a rich vein of attack. If done cleverly, noncommittally, gradually,
and increasingly, the narcissist crumbles, disengages and disappears. He lowers
his profile thoroughly in the hope of avoiding hurt and pain.
Many narcissists have been known to disown and abandon
their whole life in response to a well-focused (and impeccably legal) campaign
by their victims. They relocate, establish a new family, find another job,
abandon a field of professional interest, avoid friends and acquaintances, even
change their names.
I want
to emphasize that all these activities have to be pursued legally,
preferably through the good services of law offices and in broad daylight.
If done the wrong way, they might constitute extortion or blackmail, harassment
and a host of other criminal offences.
II. Lure Him
Another
way to neutralize the narcissist is to offer him
continued Narcissistic Supply until the war is over and won
by you. Dazzled by the drug of Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist immediately
becomes docile and tamed, forgets his vindictiveness and triumphantly
re-possesses his "property" and "territory".
Under the influence of Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist
is unable to tell when he is being manipulated. He is blind,
dumb and deaf. You can make a narcissist do anything by offering, withholding,
or threatening to withhold Narcissistic Supply (adulation, admiration,
attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc.).
III. Threaten Him with Abandonment
The threat to abandon need not be explicit or conditional
("If you don't do something or if you do it – I will ditch you"). It is
sufficient to confront the narcissist, to
completely ignore him, to insist on respect for one's boundaries and wishes, or
to shout back at him. The narcissist takes these signs of personal autonomy to
be harbinger of impending separation and reacts with anxiety.
The narcissist is a living emotional pendulum. If he gets
too close to someone emotionally, if he becomes intimate with someone, he fears
ultimate and inevitable abandonment. He, thus, immediately distances himself,
acts cruelly and brings about the very abandonment that he feared in the first
place. This is called the Approach-Avoidance Repetition Complex.
In this paradox lies the key to coping with the
narcissist. If, for instance, he is having a rage attack – rage back.
This will provoke in him fears of being abandoned and calm him down
instantaneously (and eerily).
Mirror the narcissist's actions and repeat his words. If
he threatens – threaten back and credibly try to use the same language and
content. If he leaves the house – do the same, disappear on him. If he is
suspicious – act suspicious. Be critical, denigrating, humiliating, go down to
his level – because that's the only way to penetrate his thick defences. Faced
with his mirror image – the narcissist always recoils.
You will find that if you mirror him consistently and
constantly, the narcissist becomes obsequious and tries to make amends, moving
from one (cold and bitter, cynical and misanthropic, cruel and sadistic) pole to
another (warm, even loving, fuzzy, engulfing, emotional, maudlin, and
saccharine).
IV. Manipulate Him
By playing on the narcissist's grandiosity and paranoia,
it is possible to deceive and manipulate him effortlessly. Just offer
him Narcissistic
Supply – admiration, affirmation, adulation – and he is yours. Harp on
his insecurities and his persecutory delusions – and he is likely to trust only
you and cling to you for dear life.
(continued below)
But be careful not to overdo it! When asked how is the
narcissist likely to react to continued mistreatment, I wrote this in one of
my Pathological Narcissism
FAQs:
"The initial reaction of the narcissist to a perceived
humiliation is a conscious rejection of the humiliating input. The narcissist
tries to ignore it, talk it out of existence, or belittle its importance. If
this crude mechanism of cognitive dissonance fails, the narcissist resorts to
denial and repression of the humiliating material. He 'forgets' all about it,
gets it out of his mind and, when reminded of it, denies
it.
But these are usually merely stopgap measures. The
disturbing data is bound to impinge on the narcissist's tormented consciousness.
Once aware of its re-emergence, the narcissist uses fantasy to counteract and
counterbalance it. He imagines all the horrible things that he would have done
(or will do) to the sources of his frustration.
It is through fantasy that the narcissist seeks to redeem
his pride and dignity and to re-establish his damaged sense of uniqueness and
grandiosity. Paradoxically, the narcissist does not mind being humiliated if
this were to make him more unique or to draw more attention to his
person.
For instance: if the injustice involved in the process of
humiliation is unprecedented, or if the humiliating acts or words place the
narcissist in a unique position, or if they transform him into a public figure –
the narcissist tries to encourage such behaviours and to elicit them from
others.
In this case, he fantasises how he defiantly demeans and
debases his opponents by forcing them to behave even more barbarously than
before, so that their unjust conduct is universally recognised as such and
condemned and the narcissist is publicly vindicated and his self-respect
restored. In short: martyrdom is as good a method of obtaining Narcissist Supply as
any.
Fantasy, though, has its limits and once reached, the
narcissist is likely to experience waves of self-hatred and self-loathing, the
outcomes of helplessness and of realising the depths of his dependence on
Narcissistic Supply. These feelings culminate in severe self-directed
aggression: depression, destructive, self-defeating
behaviours or suicidal ideation.
These self-negating reactions, inevitably and naturally,
terrify the narcissist. He tries to project them on to his environment. He may
decompensate by developing obsessive-compulsive traits or by going through a
psychotic microepisode.
At this stage, the narcissist is suddenly besieged by
disturbing, uncontrollable violent thoughts. He develops ritualistic reactions
to them: a sequence of motions, an act, or obsessive counter-thoughts. Or he
might visualise his aggression, or experience auditory hallucinations.
Humiliation affects the narcissist this deeply.
Luckily, the process is entirely reversible once
Narcissistic Supply is resumed. Almost immediately, the narcissist swings from
one pole to another, from being humiliated to being elated, from being put down
to being reinstated, from being at the bottom of his own, imagined, pit to
occupying the top of his own, imagined, hill."
What if I Want to Continue the
Relationship?
FIVE DON'T
DO'S
How to Avoid the Wrath of the
Narcissist
- Never disagree with the narcissist
or contradict him;
- Never offer him any
intimacy;
- Look awed by whatever attribute
matters to him (for instance: by his professional achievements or by his good
looks, or by his success with women and so on);
- Never remind him of life out there
and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity;
- Do not make any comment, which
might directly or indirectly impinge on his self-image, omnipotence,
judgement, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even
omnipresence. Bad sentences start with: "I think you overlooked … made a
mistake here … you don't know … do you know … you were not here yesterday so …
you cannot … you should … (perceived as rude imposition, narcissists react
very badly to restrictions placed on their freedom) … I (never mention the
fact that you are a separate, independent entity, narcissists regard others as
extensions of their selves, their internalisation processes were screwed up
and they did not differentiate properly)…" You get the gist of
it.
The TEN DO'S
How
to Make Your Narcissist Dependent on You
If you INSIST on
Staying with Him
- Listen attentively to everything
the narcissist says and agree with it all. Don't believe a word of
it but let it slide as if everything is just fine, business as
usual;
- Personally offer something
absolutely unique to the narcissist which they cannot obtain anywhere else.
Also be prepared to line up future Sources of Primary Narcissistic Supplyfor your
narcissist because you will not be IT for very long,
if at all. If you take over the procuring function for the narcissist,
they become that much more dependent on you which makes it a bit tougher for
them to pull their haughty stuff – an inevitability, in any
case;
- Be endlessly patient and go way
out of your way to be accommodating, thus keeping the Narcissistic Supply
flowing liberally, and keeping the peace (relatively speaking);
- Be endlessly giving. This one may
not be attractive to you, but it is a take it or leave it
proposition;
- Be absolutely emotionally and
financially independent of the narcissist. Take what you need: the excitement
and engulfment and refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or
says something dumb, rude, or insensitive. Yelling back works really
well but should be reserved for special occasions when you fear your
narcissist may be on the verge of leaving you; the silent treatment is better
as an ordinary response, but it must be carried out without any emotional
content, more with the air of boredom and "I'll talk to you later, when I am
good and ready, and when you are behaving in a more reasonable
fashion";
- If your narcissist is cerebral
and NOT interested in having much sex – then give
yourself ample permission to have "hidden" sex with other people. Your
cerebral narcissist will not be indifferent to infidelity so discretion and
secrecy is of paramount importance;
- If your narcissist is somatic and
you don't mind, join in on group sex encounters but make sure that you choose
properly for your narcissist. They are heedless and very undiscriminating in
respect of sexual partners and that can get very problematic (STDs and
blackmail come to mind);
- If you are a "fixer", then focus
on fixing situations, preferably before they become "situations". Don't for
one moment delude yourself that you can FIX the
narcissist – it simply will not happen. Not because they are being stubborn –
they just simply can't be fixed;
- If there is any fixing that can be
done, it is to help your narcissist become aware of their condition, and this
is VERY IMPORTANT, with no negative implications or
accusations in the process at all. It is like living with a physically
handicapped person and being able to discuss, calmly, unemotionally, what
the limitations and
benefits of the handicap are and how the two of you can work with
these factors, rather than trying to change them;
- Finally, and most important of
all: KNOW YOURSELF.
What are you getting from the
relationship? Are you actually a masochist? A co-dependent perhaps? Why
is this relationship attractive and interesting?
Define for yourself what
good and beneficial things you believe you are receiving in this
relationship.
Define the things that you find harmful TO
YOU. Develop strategies to minimise the harm to yourself. Don't expect
that you will cognitively be able to reason with the narcissist to change who
they are. You may have some limited success in getting your narcissist to tone
down on the really harmful behaviours THAT AFFECT YOU. This
can only beaccomplished in a very trusting, frank and open
relationship.
Stalking is a crime and stalkers are criminals. This
simple truth is often ignored by mental health practitioners, by law enforcement
agencies, and by the media. The horrid consequences of stalking are often
underestimated and stalkers are mocked as eccentric and lonely weirdoes. Yet,
stalking affects one fifth of all women and an unknown number of men – and often
ends in violence and bloodshed.
A 1997 Review Paper titled "Stalking (Part I)
An Overview of the Problem", Karen M. Abrams, MD, FRCPC1, Gail Erlick
Robinson, MD, DPsych, FRCPC2, define stalking thus:
"Stalking, or criminal harassment, is defined as the
'wilful, malicious, and repeated following or harassing of another person',
usually requiring a 'credible threat of violence' against the victim or the
victim's family (1). 'Harass' refers to wilful conduct directed at a person that
seriously alarms, annoys, or distresses the person and which serves no
legitimate purpose (2). Typically, the behaviour involves such things as
loitering near the victim, approaching, making multiple phone calls, constantly
surveilling, harassing the victim's employer or children, harming a pet,
interfering with personal property, sabotaging dates, and sending threatening or
sexually suggestive 'gifts' or letters. The harassment usually escalates, often
beginning with phone calls that gradually become more threatening and aggressive
in nature, and frequently ends in violent acts (3). In essence, the offender's
behaviour is terrorising, intimidating, and threatening, and restricts the
freedom of and controls the victim.
In the US, there are individual state laws but no unified
federal antistalking laws. Under the Criminal Code of Canada, it is a crime to
knowingly or recklessly harass another person in any of the following ways: (1)
by repeatedly following or communicating either directly or indirectly with that
person or anyone known to them; (2) by watching where that person or anyone
known to them resides, works, or happens to be; or (3) by engaging in any
threatening conduct directed at that person or his or her family, if any of
these cause the person to reasonably fear for his or her safety. In both the US
and Canada, antistalking laws are in a state of flux."
Many criminals suffer from personality disorders – most
prevalently, the Antisocial Personality Disorder, formerly known as
"psychopathy". Co-morbidity – a "cocktail" of mental health disorders – is
frequent. Most stalkers abuse substances (alcohol, drugs) and are prone to
violence or other forms of aggression.
APD or AsPD was formerly called "psychopathy" or, more
colloquially, "sociopathy". Some scholars, such as Robert Hare, still
distinguish psychopathy from mere antisocial behaviour. The disorder
appears in early adolescence but criminal behaviour and substance
abuse often abate with age, usually by the fourth or fifth decade of
life. It may have a genetic or hereditary determinant and afflicts mainly men.
The diagnosis is controversial and regarded by some scholar as scientifically
unfounded.
Psychopaths regard other people as objects to be
manipulated and instruments of gratification and utility. They have no
discernible conscience, are devoid of empathy and find it difficult to
perceive other people's nonverbal cues, needs, emotions, and preferences.
Consequently, the psychopath rejects other people's rights and his commensurate
obligations. He is impulsive, reckless, irresponsible and unable to postpone
gratification. He often rationalises his behaviour showing an
utter absence of remorse for hurting or defrauding others.
(continued below)
Their (primitive) defence mechanisms include
splitting (they view the world – and people in it – as "all good" or "all
evil"), projection (attribute their own shortcomings unto others) and
Projective Identification (force others to behave the way they expect them
to).
The psychopath fails to comply with social norms. Hence
the criminal acts, the deceitfulness and identity theft, the use of aliases, the
constant lying, and the conning of even his nearest and dearest for gain or
pleasure. Psychopaths are unreliable and do not honour their undertakings,
obligations, contracts, and responsibilities. They rarely hold a job for long or
repay their debts. They are vindictive, remorseless, ruthless,
driven, dangerous, aggressive, violent, irritable, and, sometimes, prone to
magical thinking. They seldom plan for the long and medium terms, believing
themselves to be immune to the consequences of their own actions.
Many psychopaths are outright bullies.
Michigan psychologist Donald B. Saunders distinguishes between three types of
aggressors: "family-only", "generally violent" (most likely to suffer from APD),
and the "emotionally volatile". In an interview to Psychology
Today, he described the "generally Violent" thus:
"Type 2 men – the generally violent – use violence outside
the home as well as in it. Their violence is severe and tied to alcohol; they
have high rates of arrest for drunk driving and violence. Most have been abused
as children and have rigid attitudes about sex roles. These men, Saunders
explains, are calculating; they have a history with the criminal justice system
and know what they can get away with."
Bullies feel inadequate and compensates for it by being
violent – verbally, psychologically, or physically. Some bullies suffer from
personality and other mental health disorders. They feel entitled to special
treatment, seek attention, lack empathy, are rageful and envious, and exploit
and then discard their co-workers.
Bullies are insincere, haughty, unreliable, and
lack empathy and sensitivity to the emotions, needs, and preferences of others
whom they regard and treat as objects or instruments of
gratification.
Bullies are ruthless, cold, and have alloplastic
defences (and outside locus of control) – they blame others for their failures,
defeats, or misfortunes. Bullies have low frustration and tolerance thresholds,
get bored and anxious easily, are violently impatient, emotionally labile,
unstable, erratic, and untrustworthy. They lack self-discipline, are egotistic,
exploitative, rapacious, opportunistic, driven, reckless, and
callous.
Bullies are emotionally immature and control freaks. They
are consummate liars and deceivingly charming. Bullies dress, talk, and
behave normally. Many of them are persuasive, manipulative, or even
charismatic. They are socially adept, liked, and often fun to be around and
the centre of attention. Only a prolonged and intensive interaction with them –
sometimes as a victim – exposes their dysfunctions.
Though ruthless and, typically, violent, the psychopath is
a calculating machine, out to maximise his gratification and personal profit.
Psychopaths lack empathy and may even be sadistic – but understand well and
instantly the language of carrots and sticks.
Best coping strategy
- Convince your psychopath that
messing with your life or with your nearest is going to cost him
dearly;
- Do not threaten him. Simply, be
unequivocal and firm about your desire to be left in peace and your intentions
to involve the Law should he stalk, harass, or threaten you;
- Give him a choice between being
left alone and becoming the target of multiple arrests, restraining orders,
and worse;
- Take extreme precautions at all
times and meet him accompanied by someone and in public places – and only if
you have no other choice;
- Minimise contact and interact with
him through professionals (lawyers, accountants, therapists, police officers,
judges);
- Document every contact, every
conversation, try to commit everything to writing. You may need it as
evidence;
- Educate your children to be on
their guard and to exercise caution and good judgement;
- Keep fully posted and updated your
local law enforcement agencies, your friends, the media, and anyone else who
would listen;
- Be careful with your personal
information. Provide only the bare and necessary minimum. Remember: he has
ways of finding out;
- Under no circumstances succumb to
his romantic advances, accept his gifts, respond to personal communications,
show interest in his affairs, help him out, or send him messages directly or
through third parties. Maintain the No Contact rule;
- Equally, do not seek revenge. Do
not provoke him, "punish him", taunt him, disparage him, bad-mouth or gossip
about him or your relationship.
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