Funny IBM stuff from Katza
NSMitchell
On August 18, Marty submitted:
>Katza sent me this and asked if I'd post it.
>
>Here it is:
>Only an Engineer could be so oblivious to such an obvious second spin..
>
>This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all
>IBM Branch offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest
>of us may find it rather humorous.
>
>Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
>
>Mouse Balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to
>operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball
>replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,
>replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly
>trained personnel.
>
>Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
>underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be harder and larger than
>foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending on the
>manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced by using the
>pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off
>method. Mouse balls are usually not static sensitive. However,
>excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of
>ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.
>
>It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for
>maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer
>missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these
>necessary items.
I am considering distributing copies of this post at work.
I know many literal-minded, humorless administrators and loss prevention
personnel who would take this very seriously!
Maybe they'll do bag searches!
Paul Harwood
On 18 Aug 1997 21:12:13 GMT, Jan S. said in misc.writing:
<mouse balls>
>Goodness. I'm surprised that one is still making the rounds. I think I first
>saw it in 1987,
Yeah, I think I first saw it sometime in the mid-to-late 80s.
>Anyone wanna hear why many IBMers will burst into laughter anytime someone
>says "Outstanding!"?
I don't remember "Outstanding!"
I do remember ties, endless meetings, pre-meeting strategy sessions,
per-strategy-session strategy sessions, "Think!", "Sign up for
Quality", reams of paperwork, legions of useless people who'd spent
their lives sucking from the tit of Great Mama IBM and could envision
nothing else, knowing whose ass it was currently necessary to kiss,
and Working In The System.
Those were two *very* unhappy years.
--
Paul Harwood
"I'm constantly having to pick up my Chambers to keep up
with The Judge." Robert Maughan on vocabulary
Alexander J Berman
Marty Fouts wrote:
>
> Katza sent me this and asked if I'd post it.
>
> Here it is:
> Only an Engineer could be so oblivious to such an obvious second spin..
>
> This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all
> IBM Branch offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest
> of us may find it rather humorous.
>
> Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
> marty -- for katza
The really funny thing is that the balls for both my mice are swollen
due to the high humidity here (it just got nice, so they're back to
normal). I remember reading this in high school (must have been around
'88). Still funny, though.
Alex Jay Berman
-- who is profoundly happy that engineers never thought to name those
upside-down trackball things "gerbils" ...
-- "I feel very old sometimes. I carry on and would not like to die
without
throwing a few more buckets of shit on the heads of my fellow men." --
Gustave Flaubert
Jan S.
On 18 Aug 1997 15:58:52 -0700, Marty Fouts (fo...@null.net) says...
>
> >> Jan S writes:
>
...sniperoo...
>
> Jan> Anyone wanna hear why many IBMers will burst into laughter
> Jan> anytime someone says "Outstanding!"?
>
>Yeah. I don't know that story.
<apocrypha>
Seems there was a pissant lower-level IBM Mangler who decided that da boyz
were using the word "Bullshit" entirely too much. So he put out a memo
suggesting that they needed to clean up their language. Such a notice, in
IBM-land, is taken very seriously, since use of offensive language is grounds
for termination. He suggested that the word "Outstanding" would be a good
substitute, since it was both inoffensive and more positive sounding.
Hence the peals of laughter from many folks there when the word "Outstanding!"
is used in just the right way.
</apocrypha>
I was once threatened with temination for saying "fuck". It seems, according
to the gentleman who threatened me, that only men are allowed to say "fuck" at
IBM, and never in mixed company.
It's a shame he wasn't around when one of his best buddies said to a room full
of beamers that something (what they'd just offered to a customer) ought to
make the customer "as happy as two snakes fuckin' in a bucket of snot".
That image intrigues me.
--jan
Jan S.
On 18 Aug 1997 13:51:13 -0700, Marty Fouts (fo...@null.net) says...
>
>
Goodness. I'm surprised that one is still making the rounds. I think I first
saw it in 1987, when some dipshit manager put out a memo explaining very
pompously and tediously (I think his initials may have been gvwiv, but that's
another matter) that the purported Field Alert was a forgery.
Most of us hadn't actually seen the damn thing, so naturally we all went
scurrying about to get copies.
Funniest thing about that incident is that the Mangler who put out the memo
included dire warnings about grounds for temination of employment, and he
meant it. (Which made him a certified idiot, since it ain't that easy to fire
anyone, at least it wasn't then.)
But then, that's what they teach new Manglers in Charm School.
Anyone wanna hear why many IBMers will burst into laughter anytime someone
says "Outstanding!"?
--jan (I think I'm gaining new insight into why I cracked up)