TONGAN SECRET POLICE : "C= operating in Upper Volta."
James Nguyen
Keywords: hello :)
Oh hi! Good'ol me again. Dyer miss me? I missch you twchoo. <8^]
I must make this a real quick one since my life is under threat
as a result of spilling the beans on Microsoft.
Okidoki, I have some stunning news people! This for all those
Amigans who've been biting their toenails, drinking lotsa coffee
and sitting in front of their terminals 24hrs a day waiting fer news
on C=. Oh yeah and all those laughing at C='s supposed death too.
In my previous article I revealed C='s big scheme to save the
entire world and take over the entire world market. That was
no joke. I was informed by the world renowned Tongan Secret Police.
Commodore is operating undercover somewhere in Upper Volta. Apparently
their cover operation involves making a surfboard interface
to control the movements of super-tankers but this hasn't been confirmed.
Anyway, what is confirmed is that the propulsion system for
manoeuvring an asteroid into a collision path with the Earth
has been completed. However, a suitable asteroid candidate has
not been found. At present Halley's Comet looks very likely. If
thats the case, then we might not see Commodore's spectacular
"WE ARE BACK!" advertising campaign for a while. But hang in
there Amigans! <8^)
AND!!! To coincide with this come back, Commodore has new Amiga
models in the stable to be released in conjunction with the
spectacular world wide advertising blitz!!! Wooo hooo!! <8^o
My secret organisation has managed to smuggle out what I believe
to be the next generation of super Amigas with technology surpassing
anything we have today and even the next century. Commodore has
decided to scrap the name "Amiga" and replace it a more dandy
label..."El Hombre". However the "Amiga" label will be retained for
low spec machines.
I have in my possession the Commodore El Hombre 5000. Speculation
and rumours of new Amiga models utilising the PowerPC RISC chips
and the elusive AAA chipset are from tooth fairy worshippers.
Commodore has SCRAPPED the AAA chipset. A new chipset
to be dubbed "El Hombre's Angels" have taken over where AGA left
off. The 680X0 processors will no longer grace the Amiga's superior
architecture replaced by a new and revolutionary FISC processor
developed by C=.
Rightio, here's a sneek preview of new Amiga technology set to
kick Apple and all them pc manufacturers off the planet in
shame.
In the tradition of unique Amiga architecture El Hombre's Angels
are spiffy triangular, circular and star shaped chips. Yeah!
The new chips are...Gaza, Bowbo and Nikipoo.
Gaza is the new display chip. This generates more colours than
even God could imagine. Can generate frequencies in excess of
5000 terahertz at resolutions too high for the human eye to
perceive.
Bowbo is the new Animation chip. Capable of belching several
billion frames per second. It is very fast! I decompressed an
entire episode of DS9 on mpeg cd, saved the 30 terabyte anim
file, and played it. I saw ABSOLUTELY nothing!!!! It was so fast
the monitor's electron gun couldn't keep up.
Nikipoo, the new 16bit sound chip with DSP, TXH, ProLogic and
Dolby Surround. The sound is so amazingly crisp. It can generate
frequencies beyond our hearing range too!! I had a great time
driving the neighbourhood's dogs wild!!! >8^D I also used it to
shatter stones in my grandfather's bladder.
Opening the hood, you see the El Hombre's compact board layout.
On the right rear is the a teeny PSU which supplies the power
and a plutonium powercell for the realtime clock. The 1.4 gig 3.5
floppy drive is also located in the rear. A docking bay for removable
5000 Yottabyte hd is located in the front.
The FISC (Few Instruction Set Chip) is the future of processor
technology. Commodore researchers have managed to create a processor
with only 10 (!) instructions. I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO IT!!!! The
El Hombre 5000 is soooooOOO fast I could only use it for 10 minutes
before it threw a hypertensive fit, let off a trillion watts of
radiation, melted away and killed all my _beloved_ old
relatives.
The new Razzabench operating system is set to revolutionise OS's and
become the standard by which all OS's will be compared to. All the
bells and whistles we'ved heard a million times about workbench plus...
Each Razzabench comes with a unique artificially intelligent "Personality"!!
This is the Amiga's equivalent of the Mac "Agents". Personality will
learn your habits, cook you breakfast, do your highschool and university
assignments, make love to you via special third party devices (depending
on Personality's sex) and render your fractal offspring after nine months
of number crunching.
Each El Hombre and lowerspec Amigas come with predefined Personalities.
The buyer can choose from a vast variaty of Personalities from a
submissive and heated Magaret Thatcher, to psychopathic serial chicken
rapists...you name it, it'll be available.
Here's a peep at the awesome, new Commodore El Hombre 5000.
To the best of my abilities, this is what the soon-2-b-released Commodore
El Hombre 5000 looks like.
+----------------------------+
| | sideview
| |
| |
+----------------------------+
+-----------------------+
| C= El Hombre 5000 |
| ===== | front view.
| - |
+-----------------------+
Gosh, ain't it a beauty??
Har har, just you wait. PowerPC is gunna look worst than beattle dung when
the El Hombre's released.
Arwh well, I gotta split. There's a black Mercedes limo with big ugly
mothers in polyester suits polishing their Heckler machine guns.
---
James your trusty and reliable Commodore insider. <<<8^)