v01i035: fortune - quote for the day, Part09/16
games-...@tekred.tek.com
Comp.sources.games: Volume 1, Issue 35
Archive-name: fortune/Part09
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# Contents: scene.ae
# Wrapped by billr@tekred on Thu May 21 15:14:46 1987
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Xlearn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from
Xwhat happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long
Xview.
X -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
X%%
XHlade's Law:
X If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
X will find an easier way to do it.
X%%
XHoare's Law of Large Problems:
X Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
X out.
X%%
XHofstadter's Law:
X It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
X Hofstadter's Law into account.
X%%
XHollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
X -- Rex Reed
X%%
X Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
Xwilling to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
Xfor lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
X"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
Xcenters: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
Xtrees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
Xbecause they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
Xobject--every board, washer, nail and screw--in the entire store ...
X Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
Xbroken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
Xa replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
Xinside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
Xsame way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
Xan electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
Xthese sometime around the middle of next week".
X -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
X%%
XHome of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
XThe ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
X -- Chris Shaw
X%%
X"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense"
X%%
XHonesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
X -- F. M. Hubbard
X%%
XHonk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
X%%
XHonk if you love peace and quiet.
X%%
XHonorable, adj.:
X Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
X bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable;
X as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XHorngren's Observation:
X Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
X%%
XHorse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
Xpeople.
X -- W. C. Fields
X%%
XHorses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
X%%
X"Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed."
X -- Neil Armstrong
X%%
XHow can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
X%%
XHow come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
X%%
XHow come wrong numbers are never busy?
X%%
X"How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows."
X%%
XHow do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
X -- Elliot, "E.T."
X%%
XHow doth the little crocodile
X Improve his shining tail,
XAnd pour the waters of the Nile
X On every golden scale!
X
XHow cheerfully he seems to grin,
X How neatly spreads his claws,
XAnd welcomes little fishes in,
X With gently smiling jaws!
X -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
X%%
XHow doth the VAX's C compiler
XImprove its object code.
XAnd even as we speak does it
XIncrease the system load.
X
XHow patiently it seems to run
XAnd spit out error flags,
XWhile users, with frustration, all
XTear their clothes to rags.
X%%
XHow doth the VAX's C-compiler
XImprove its object code.
XAnd even as we speak does it
XIncrease the system load.
X
XHow patiently it seems to run
XAnd spit out error flags,
XWhile users, with frustration, all
XTear all their clothes to rags.
X%%
XHow long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
Xon.
X%%
XHow many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
XNone: "We'll fix it in software."
X
XHow many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
XNone: "We'll document it in the manual."
X
XHow many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
XNone: "The user can work it out."
X%%
X"How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
Xcarried by a waiter at a nice party?"
X
XTwo, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
Xd'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
Xwhat's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
Xsay: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it
Xback on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another
Xcheese!" and so on.
X -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
X%%
X How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
X3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand,
Xwho could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
Xnanocentury.
X -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
X%%
XHow much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
XDayton?
X -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
X%%
XHow wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
X%%
XHow wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
X%%
XHowe's Law:
X Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
X%%
XHowever, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional
Xmanner ... sulking and nausea.
X -- Tom K. Ryan
X%%
XHR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill.,
Xmotion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate
Xamendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits.
XThe Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the
XSenate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the
Xbill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on
Xthe bill. Agreed to.
X -- Albuquerque Journal
X%%
X Hug O' War
X
XI will not play at tug o' war.
XI'd rather play at hug o' war,
XWhere everyone hugs
XInstead of tugs,
XWhere everyone giggles
XAnd rolls on the rug,
XWhere everyone kisses,
XAnd everyone grins,
XAnd everyone cuddles,
XAnd everyone wins.
X -- Shel Silverstein
X%%
XHuman beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
X%%
XHuman cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in
X1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an
Xoperating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral
Xcatheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of
Xhis heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took
Xthe confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the
XNobel Prize.
X%%
XHummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
X%%
X"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
X -- William Gilbert
X%%
XHurewitz's Memory Principle:
X The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
X to ..... to ........ uh ..............
X%%
XI also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a
Xprofessor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any
Xother minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
X -- Richard M. Nixon
X
XWhat are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
X -- Richard M. Nixon
X%%
XI am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
X%%
X"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!"
X -- Paul McCracken
X%%
X"I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger."
X -- Gloria Steinem
X%%
XI am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
X -- Dennis Ritchie
X%%
X"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
X -- English Professor
X%%
X"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the
Xgreat ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
X -- Winston Churchill
X%%
X"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
Xhas printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
X --English Professor, Ohio University
X%%
XI am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
Xwith an option to buy.
X%%
X"I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater."
X%%
X"I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
Xof pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
Xyou that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
Xatomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
Xinconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering."
X -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
X%%
X"I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of
Xthe sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for
Xyou are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway."
X -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
X University of Tennessee at Knoxville
X%%
X'I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean."
X -- G. K. Chesterton
X%%
X"I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat."
X -- Will Rogers
X%%
X"I bet the human brain is a kludge."
X -- Marvin Minsky
X%%
XI brake for chezlogs!
X%%
XI call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
X -- Biff Barf
X%%
XI can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
Xprostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
Xbored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
Xrelentless day.
X -- Betty MacDonald
X%%
XI can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
X%%
X"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
X25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
Xtrue."
X -- Harry Truman
X%%
X"I can resist anything but temptation."
X%%
X"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."
X -- Joe Walsh
X%%
X"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling."
X -- Florence Henderson
X%%
XI can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can
Xunderstand it.
X -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
X%%
XI can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
Xnovel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
X -- Fred Allen
X%%
X"I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions."
X -- Lillian Hellman
X%%
XI cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
X
XWhat a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
Xgrammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
Xof slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
XUnited States would have lost World War II."
X -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
X%%
X "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering
Xvoice.
X "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
Xcourse, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
XI will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
XElven-lore:
X
X "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
X Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
X Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
X This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
X The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
X The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
X If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
X If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
X%%
XI could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
Xdance with the cows till you come home.
X -- Groucho Marx
X%%
X"I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps
Xthe time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..."
X -- Peter Oakley
X%%
X"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."
X%%
XI didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The
Xcurtain was up.
X%%
X I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because
Xwe use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently
Xleads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say,
Xin traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had
Xtime to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the
Xlibrary, we could call each other up:
X
X You: Hello? Bob?
X Bob: Yes?
X You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
X took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
X Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
X You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
X "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
X I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
X and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
X the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
X have to get back to you.
X Bob: Fine.
X -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
X%%
XI do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
Xexact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
Xminds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
Xaccountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
Xmind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the
Xbottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
Xdifferent.
X -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
X%%
X"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them."
X -- Isaac Asimov
X%%
X"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
Xwith sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use."
X -- Galileo Galilei
X%%
X"I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should."
X -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
X%%
X"I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
Xdon't believe in astrology."
X -- James R. F. Quirk
X%%
XI don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
Xa BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more
Xnumbers!!
X%%
XI don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of
Xa frog jumping on my Breakfast.
X -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
X%%
X"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
Xnominating"
X -- Boss Tweed
X%%
X"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
X -- Ashleigh Brilliant
X%%
X"I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of
Xpeople waiting to abuse me."
X --Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
X%%
XI don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
X -- Elvis Presley
X%%
X"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to."
X -- Elvis Presley
X%%
X "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
X Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
Xtill I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
Xyou!'"
X "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
Xobjected.
X "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
Xtone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
Xless."
X "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
Xso many different things."
X "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
Xthat's all."
X -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
X%%
X"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
Xeat it, and I just hate it."
X -- Clarence Darrow
X%%
X"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."
X -- Ronald Mabbitt
X%%
XI don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
Xstreets and frighten the horses.
X -- Victor Hugo
X%%
X"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"
X%%
X"I don't think so," said Ren' e Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
X%%
X"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other
Xhand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
X%%
XI don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
Xthe Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is
Xthinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
Xbroadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake.
XAlien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off
Xtheir federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
X -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
X COMING!"
X%%
XI doubt, therefore I might be.
X%%
X"I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
Xon earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
Xhe has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
Xbecoming, with a goal in front and not behind."
X -- George Bernard Shaw
X%%
X"I drink to make other people interesting."
X -- George Jean Nathan
X%%
XI fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,
Xso I woke up from sheer boredom.
X%%
XI for one cannot protest the recent M. T. A. fare hike and the
Xaccompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
Xthe transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
Xcan't be measured in monetary terms.
X
XPersonally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have
Xthat unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by
Xsubway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should
Xsomeday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
Xunderstand his long delay.
X%%
X"I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words."
X%%
XI gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________ horrifying* 20
Xminutes of my life!
X%%
X'I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
X -- Mae West
X%%
XI get up each morning, gather my wits.
X Pick up the paper, read the obits.
XIf I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
X So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
X%%
XI get up each morning, gather my wits.
XPick up the paper, read the obits.
XIf I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
XSo I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
X
XOh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
XMy get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
XBut in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
XAnd think of the places my get-up has been.
X -- Pete Seeger
X%%
X"I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
XMoore show I heard the word 'damn'!"
X -- Mary Lou Bax
X%%
X"I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense."
X%%
X"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
Xit's going to be up all night."
X -- Steven Wright
X%%
X"I hate quotations."
X -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
X%%
XI have a simple philosophy:
X
X Fill what's empty.
X Empty what's full.
X Scratch where it itches.
X -- A. R. Longworth
X%%
X"I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it
Xany time!"
X%%
X"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
Xwhich would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'."
X -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
X%%
XI have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth
Xand they never believe me.
X -- Camillo Di Cavour
X%%
XI have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
X -- Edgar Allan Poe
X%%
X"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You
Xsound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
Xeight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I
Xhave never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
Xbeefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a
Xguttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more
Xof an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry."
X -- President Harry S Truman
X%%
XI have learned
XTo spell hors d'oeuvres
XWhich still grates on
XSome people's n'oeuvres.
X -- Warren Knox
X%%
X"I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming
Xthat I have never made one."
X -- James Gordon Bennett
X%%
X"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
Xmake it shorter."
X -- Blaise Pascal
X%%
XI have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
X____ BODY!
X -- from "Cerebus" #82
X%%
X"I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer."
X -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
X%%
X"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best."
X -- Oscar Wilde
X%%
X"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."
X -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
X%%
X"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking
Xhis keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
Xbeating up a child."
X -- Steven Wright
X%%
XI have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
Xat in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
X -- Poul Anderson
X%%
X"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere."
X%%
X"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it."
X%%
XI just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
X%%
X"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
X -- Bill Hoest
X%%
X"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
XWar IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
X -- Albert Einstein
X%%
X"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
XThe answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building."
X -- Charles Schulz
X%%
X"I like being single. I'm always there when I need me."
X -- Art Leo
X%%
XI like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
Xpromote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
Xpeace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
Xthe way and let them have it.
X -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
X%%
X"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."
X%%
X"I like your game but we have to change the rules."
X%%
X"I love to eat them Smurfies
X Smurfies what I love to eat
X Bite they ugly heads off,
X Nibble on they bluish feet."
X%%
X"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
X -- Ashleigh Brilliant
X%%
X"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
Xweek sometimes to make it up."
X -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
X%%
XI must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
X%%
X"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
Xwas to go away."
X%%
X"I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like."
X%%
XI often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
X -- G. B. Shaw
X%%
X"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
X -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
X%%
X"I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
Xkind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
Xsubstances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no
Xrestrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
Xmade one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
Xpowerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
Xnerve disease."
X -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
X%%
XI predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
X%%
X"I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral
Xslob."
X -- William F. Buckley
X%%
X "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
Xthat is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
Xmore simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
Xmight appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
Xotherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
Xotherwise.'"
X -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
X%%
XI realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that
Xthe whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
Xcongresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
Xso we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
Xplumber.
X
XBut from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
Xas this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
Xthe world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
Xwin large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
Xwrite about, such as nose-picking.
X -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
X Political Fallout"
X%%
XI really hate this damned machine
XI wish that they would sell it.
XIt never does quite what I want
XBut only what I tell it.
X%%
X"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."
X%%
XI see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
Xthey do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
X -- Will Rogers
X%%
XI see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
XI hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
XBernoulli would have been content to die
XHad he but known such _ a-squared cos 2(phi)!
X -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
X%%
XI sent a letter to the fish,
XI told them, "This is what I wish."
XThe little fishes of the sea,
XThey sent an answer back to me.
XThe little fishes' answer was
X"We cannot do it, sir, because ..."
XI sent a letter back to say
XIt would be better to obey.
XBut someone came to me and said
X"The little fishes are in bed."
XI said to him, and I said it plain
X"Then you must wake them up again."
XI said it very loud and clear,
XI went and shouted in his ear.
XBut he was very stiff and proud,
XHe said "You needn't shout so loud."
XAnd he was very proud and stiff,
XHe said "I'll go and wake them if ..."
XI took a kettle from the shelf,
XI went to wake them up myself.
XBut when I found the door was locked
XI pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked,
XAnd when I found the door was shut,
XI tried to turn the handle, But ...
X
X "Is that all?" asked Alice.
X "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
X -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
X%%
X"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck."
X -- Graffito in Los Angeles
X%%
X"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
Xsupposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
Xactually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
X -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
X Points in l'Amour"
X%%
X"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
Xhouse and four people died."
X -- Steven Wright
X%%
X"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
Xsee him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
X -- Shirley Temple
X%%
XI suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
Xtoo much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which
Xdirection your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After
Xmuch trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
Xtub to face is up.
X -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
X%%
X"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
X%%
XI think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
Xand tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
Xcountry are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
Xin this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly
Xnot, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
X -- Monty Python
X%%
XI think that I shall never see
XA billboard lovely as a tree.
XPerhaps, unless the billboards fall
XI'll never see a tree at all.
X -- Ogden Nash
X%%
XI think that I shall never see
XA thing as lovely as a tree.
XBut as you see the trees have gone
XThey went this morning with the dawn.
XA logging firm from out of town
XCame and chopped the trees all down.
XBut I will trick those dirty skunks
XAnd write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
X%%
XI think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
X... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think
Xwe can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
XWhen we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
Xare happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was
Xdriven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
XGorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
Xwere able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
Xconversation ...
X -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
X%%
X"I thought you were trying to get into shape."
X"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
X%%
X" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
Xpallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"
X -- Winston Churchill
X%%
XI took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
Xtwenty minutes. It's about Russia.
X -- Woody Allen
X%%
XI used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
X%%
X"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
X%%
X"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
X%%
XI used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
Xnear the place.
X -- Steven Wright
X%%
XI value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to
Xanimals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for
Xanything connected with society except that which makes the roads
Xsafer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women
Xwarmer in the winter, and happier in the summer.
X -- Brendan Behan
X%%
X"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St.
XElsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE
XHAW"!!'"
X -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
X%%
XI was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
Xanything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
Xa child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
Xup.
X -- Will Rogers
X%%
X"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I
Xdidn't know."
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XI was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
Xtheir lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
Xbuy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
X -- Emile Henry Gauvreay
X%%
XI went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained
Xit to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass
Xstars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold.
XI ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be
Xabsent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had
Xdeveloped an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case.
XFinally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's
Xtemperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I
Xchased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to
Xthe point where it would not run at all.
X -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black
X Holes and the Fate of Stars"
X%%
X"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
Xthe shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
Xincluded."
X -- Steven Wright
X%%
X"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
Xstatues that are in all the other museums."
X -- Steven Wright
X%%
XI went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
Xit took seven others to beat him!
X%%
X"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
XThere's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."
X -- Gallagher
X%%
X"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
Xalways worked for me."
X -- Hunter S. Thompson
X%%
X"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
X%%
X"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
Xto undo it."
X%%
X"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
X%%
X"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
Xsnore."
X%%
X"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
X`Y.'"
X%%
X"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my
Xblender."
X%%
X"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
Xgarage door."
X%%
X"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
XJulian to Gregorian."
X%%
X"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for
Xstatic cling."
X%%
X"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
X%%
X"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
Xcottage cheese sculpture."
X%%
X"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
X%%
X"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
Xtransplant."
X%%
X"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
X%%
X"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
X%%
X"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
Xcame back."
X%%
X"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say
Xtuned."
X%%
X"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that
Xneed worrying about."
X%%
X"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
X%%
X"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
Xcarry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
XI'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."
X -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
X%%
XI'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
Xlisten to it!
X -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
X%%
XI'll grant thee random access to my heart,
XThoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
XAnd so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
XAnd in our bound partition never part.
X -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
X%%
X"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
XThat will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."
X -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
X%%
X"I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from
Xman."
X%%
XI'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
X%%
X"I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my
Xsister."
X%%
XI'm changing my name to Chrysler
XI'm going down to Washington, D.C.
XI'll tell some power broker
X What they did for Iacocca
XWill be perfectly acceptable to me!
XI'm changing my name to Chrysler,
XI'm heading for that great receiving line.
XWhen they hand a million grand out,
X I'll be standing with my hand out,
XYessir, I'll get mine!
X%%
XI'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
X%%
X"I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did."
X%%
X"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to
Xdie in."
X -- George McGovern
X%%
XI'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
X -- Fred Allen
X%%
XI'm going to live forever, or die trying!
X -- Spider Robinson
X%%
X... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a
XKOSHER DELI!!
X%%
X"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"
X -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
X%%
Xi'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
Xliving apart.
X -- e. e. cummings
X%%
XI'm N-ary the tree, I am,
XN-ary the tree, I am, I am.
XI'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
XShe's traversed me seven times before.
XAnd ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
XNever wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
XI'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
XN-ary the tree I am, I am,
XN-ary the tree I am.
X%%
X"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
XIt's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
X%%
X"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
Xlife."
X%%
XI'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
X-- I could be just as proud for half the money.
X -- Arthur Godfrey
X%%
XI'm rated PG-34!!
X%%
X"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____ REAL
Xsoon ..."
X%%
X"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
X(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
X -- English Professor, Providence College
X%%
XI'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
XI know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
XIn short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
XI am the very model of a modern Major-General.
X -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"
X%%
X"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
Xlives"
X%%
XI've built a better model than the one at Data General
XFor data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
XMy OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
XMy PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
XMy storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
XYou never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
XThere isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
XMy disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
X
XI feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
XThere's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
XWhich shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
XI've built a better model than the one at Data General.
X
X -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
X "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
X by Gilbert & Sullivan)
X%%
XI've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
X%%
XI've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
Xthis little hole in the bottom ...
X -- John Croll
X%%
XI've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
X%%
XI've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
X -- Groucho Marx
X%%
XI've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
Xon the same day.
X%%
X"I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer."
X%%
X"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"
X -- Senator Claghorn
X%%
XI've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
XAnd from that full meridian of my glory
XI haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
XLike a bright exhalation in the evening
XAnd no man see me more.
X -- Shakespeare
X%%
XIBM had a PL/I,
X Its syntax worse than JOSS;
XAnd everywhere this language went,
X It was a total loss.
X%%
XIdaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box
Xof candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
X%%
XIdiot Box, n.:
X The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
X stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
X -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
X%%
XIdiot, n.:
X A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
X affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XIf a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
Xat about 30 miles/second.
X -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
X%%
XIf A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
X -- Roy Santoro
X%%
X"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."
X -- Paul White
X%%
XIf a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus
Xforecast is a camel's behind.
X -- Edgar R. Fiedler
X%%
XIf A equals success, then the formula is _ A = _ X + _ Y + _ Z. _ X is work. _ Y
Xis play. _ Z is keep your mouth shut.
X -- Albert Einstein
X%%
XIf a group of _ N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _ N-1
Xpasses. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
X -- T. Cheatham
X%%
XIf a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four
Xhours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where
Xit votes guilty.
X -- Joseph C. Goulden
X%%
XIf a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake
Xhim up.
X%%
XIf a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
X%%
XIf a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have
Xdropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to
Xmaintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it
Xmust drop. The law of gravity supercedes the law of golf.
X -- Donald A. Metz
X%%
XIf all be true that I do think,
XThere be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
XGood friends, good wine, or being dry,
XOr lest we should be by-and-by,
XOr any other reason why.
X%%
XIf all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
Xerror.
X -- John Kenneth Galbraith
X%%
XIf all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
Xplatform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
Xthat would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
X%%
XIf all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
X -- Paul Beatty
X%%
XIf all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a
Xconclusion.
X -- William Baumol
X%%
XIf an S and an I and an O and a U
XWith an X at the end spell Su;
XAnd an E and a Y and an E spell I,
XPray what is a speller to do?
XThen, if also an S and an I and a G
XAnd an HED spell side,
XThere's nothing much left for a speller to do
XBut to go commit siouxeyesighed.
X -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
X%%
XIf anything can go wrong, it will.
X%%
XIf at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
X%%
XIf at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
X%%
XIf bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
Xtellers?
X%%
X"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
X%%
XIf entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
X%%
XIf everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
X%%
X... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
Xthe Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
Xasleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
X -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
X%%
XIf God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
X%%
XIf God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
X%%
XIf God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit
XEars.
X%%
XIf God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their
XHeads.
X%%
XIf God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with
Xgreen, baggy skin.
X%%
XIf God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
X%%
XIf God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
Xinvent it.
X%%
XIf God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
Xhands.
X%%
XIf God is dead, who will save the Queen?
X%%
XIf God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
X%%
X"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
X -- Yiddish saying
X%%
XIf God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
X -- Marvin Kitman
X%%
X"If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
Xreplaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!"
X%%
XIf I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
X -- Samuel Goldwyn
X%%
XIf I don't drive around the park,
XI'm pretty sure to make my mark.
XIf I'm in bed each night by ten,
XI may get back my looks again.
XIf I abstain from fun and such,
XI'll probably amount to much;
XBut I shall stay the way I am,
XBecause I do not give a damn.
X -- Dorothy Parker
X%%
XIf I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
X%%
XIf I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the
Xplantation and go home.
X -- Eugene P. Gallagher
X%%
XIf I had any humility I would be perfect.
X -- Ted Turner
X%%
X"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
X -- Albert Einstein
X%%
XIf I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
Xshoulders of giants.
X -- Isaac Newton
X
XIn the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side
Xwith the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
X -- Gerald Holton
X
XIf I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
Xon my shoulders.
X -- Hal Abelson
X
XIn computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
X -- Brian K. Reid
X%%
XIf I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
X
XOn the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
Xalso a psychological interaction.
X
XThe difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so
Xfriendly.
X
XThe crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
X -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
X%%
XIf I traveled to the end of the rainbow
XAs Dame Fortune did intend,
XMurphy would be there to tell me
XThe pot's at the other end.
X -- Bert Whitney
X%%
XIf ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
X%%
XIf it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
X%%
XIf Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
XThey would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun
Xof it.
X -- Thomas Carlyle
X%%
X"If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they
Xforgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll
Xjust think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail.
XAnd if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty*
Xpieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken!
XAnd if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and
Xthink it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to
Xreceive Net Mail ..."
X -- Leith (Casey) Leedom
X%%
XIf life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
X%%
XIf little else, the brain is an educational toy.
X -- Tom Robbins
X%%
XIf little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
Xyou've got in the house.
X -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
X%%
XIf mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
Xthe page number.
X%%
XIf money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
X%%
X"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
Xlittle of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
END_OF_scene.ae
echo shar: 29 control characters may be missing from \"scene.ae\"
if test 44458 -ne `wc -c <scene.ae`; then
echo shar: \"scene.ae\" unpacked with wrong size!
fi
# end of overwriting check
fi
echo shar: End of archive 9 \(of 16\).
cp /dev/null ark9isdone
MISSING=""
for I in 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 ; do
if test ! -f ark${I}isdone ; then
MISSING="${MISSING} ${I}"
fi
done
if test "${MISSING}" = "" ; then
echo You have unpacked all 16 archives.
rm -f ark[1-9]isdone ark[1-9][0-9]isdone
else
echo You still need to unpack the following archives:
echo " " ${MISSING}
fi
## End of shell archive.
exit 0