-*@ The Joy Of Vomit @*-
The Chief Slime Monster
-+*#@#*+- THE JOY OF VOMIT -+*#@#*+-
by Rev. Dr. M. Fincher ( B.Sc. A.R.S.V )
and Prof. M. Senior ( B.A.R.F M.Sc. PhD. )
"An informative work that will help you maximise your vomit
life and discover the hidden pleasures of heaving. I enjoyed
it no end."
-Times
"This excellent text challenges all of society in it's rigid
regard for chunder."
-Vomitters Weekly
"I used to think that vomitting was just a frenzied barf in the
dark, I was emptying my stomach in seconds; this article has
increased my awareness and appreciation beyond all measure."
-A member of the royal family.
"Your sick!"
-M. Whitehouse
-=- CONTENTS -=-
Chapter #1: The early history of vomitting.
Chapter #2: The Basics.
Chapter #3: Getting the diet right.
Chapter #4: Techniques, style, and artistic impression.
Chapter #5: Some common problems.
Chapter #6: Mutual and synchronised heaving.
Chapter #7: Professional vomitting and competition.
Chapter #1: The early history of vomitting.
Vomitting was first invented by a lost tribe of ape men who lived in the
dark and forboding jungle of Milton Keynes in the Andes. By day they would
roam the forest floor collecting berries to eat and writing UNIX utilities to
calculate the day of any date. It was a simple existance. Unfortunately, it
was this very simplicity that was their undoing, because despite role playing
games and the local sport which consisted of hitting a tree at the base with
a stick, ( a process called, "hacking root" ), they were bored to death. The
average levels of boredom got so unbelievably high that they took to
continuously eating until their stomachs were gorged, and then bringing it up
again as an expression of their futile and animalistic existance. After
several hundreds of generations of this practice, their stomachs had become
so weak that the only thing they could keep down was raspberry cheesecake,
and this hadn't been invented yet. So, after a small period of time, they all
died out and remained dead happily ever after.
The art of vomitting was then lost to the world in the mists of time until
it was rediscovered by the romans. The romans liked eating. They liked eating
so much that they became dismayed by the modest size of the human stomach and
disgusted at it's restricted abilities at stretching. A common roman phrase
of the day that depicts this is, "Yo Japonicus my man, by Venus's tit, why
have we got such small stomachs?". Anyhow the romans experimented with many
different ways of side stepping the problem; some people tried to perfect
their bowel control to the extent that they could pass their food before it
had even been digested, others tried fitting a zip to their belly but it was
no use. As luck would have it, in a little known suburb of Rome there was a
chartered accountant working as an anachronism who used to swallow his son
and regurgitate him to amuse customers. The Emperor Augustus got wind of
this, and after farting several times immediately declared vomitting as the
imperial sport and pastime. The romans ingenuity, persistance and Christian
flavoured cat food worked together to establish the foundations of the fully
advanced science of vomitting that we know and love today. As well as the
exciting developements in personal heaving they forged grand events and
competitions which will be elaborated upon later. The romans lived on for
many years to enjoy their legacy until something went wrong in the divine
right process and the quality of emperors went into sad decline. When it got
to the stage that the emperor was someone who went to bed with a horse and
fiddled and spent virtually all of his time sight seeing in England, the
people were too pissed off to think about allegance and went about doing
their own thing.
Fortunately for us, the impact and public awareness of vomitting that the
romans created was enough to survive their demise. Whilst the competitions
and mass vomitting never returned until the present day, vomitting was still
a common practice amoung the people and royal sponsorship ensured a stable
and healthy attitude towards it. Here are some quotes from our heritage:-
"A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse...beeuuuurrrghh!"
"We are not...beuurrrghhh! amused"
"beuurrghhh! splatt! OFF with her head"
"There will come a day when all men and women, black and white,
girls and boys will be able to sit together at the table as
brothers....beuuurggh!"
"This is the constitution! euuurgrgghhh!"
"This morning I sent a ..bleurgh!..note to Herr Hitler"
"My splatt splatt husband and I.."
Chapter #2: The Basics
You may be thinking, "Ok, so all this sounds very interesting, indeed I
have always maintained curiousity in it, but how do I go about getting into
vomitting, having not had any experience 'per se' of chunder?". A lot of
people are anxious about the thought of their first vomit but there is
nothing to worry about and it doesn't help matters to be overly nervous, so
try your best to relax, put on some soft music and don't think about it too
much before you actually try it. What I am implying here of course is that
you try your first vomit in the security and privacy of your home. There has
been much written by vomitologists about the significance in later life of
the 'first vomit' or the 'steam breaker' as it is sometimes called, the
emphasis usually being that you never forget your first vomit and the
circumstances in which it occurs can affect the rest of your life. This is
certainly true to some extent, but many vomit writers go on to say that
because of this you should seek to make your first vomit as dramatic,
pleasureable and special as possible, and with this I do not agree. Of all
the people who come to my clinic suffering from premature vomitting, liquid
spew, dry mouth, weak stomachs or inferiority complexes are victims of
psychosomatic disorders and a lot of these are due to being too ambitious too
soon. A lot of ignorance and misinformation exists in the vomit-virgin world
and this can lead people to make some big mistakes in their first attempt.
This is why I strongly urge you to take things slowly and to start off in
your home.
There are a number of simple ways that the novice can induce vomit. Which
of these you try depends on your religion, your carpet and whether you are
going to work tommorow. Diet of course, is very important, but for the moment
we will stick to the basics because we want to keep things simple and
reliable. For this purpose we suggest one or more of the following:-
Spicey sausage or any form of Greek food,
Black forest gateaux,
Bread soaked in egg,
Dripping toast,
Haggis,
A raw cheeseburger.
Having eaten the preparatory stomach fillers, move to within panic distance
of your receptical. It is at this point that it is a good idea to use
'inducers'. Inducers are articles of food, pictures, thoughts or anything
that will make you feel like throwing your load. In the later stages of this
book are some pictures taken at the 1990 World Mr. Vomit competition which
may act as an inducer. Other things that you can try for your first vomit are
crunching on spiders or frogs, chewing fish heads, drinking dish-water,
shampoo with a touch of bleach, a mixture of peanut butter and baked beans
and so on. Also, a very sucessful inducer that has come to light recently is
that of fresh vomit. A number of outlets exist and are usually in the phone
book. For about 10 pounds they will package some freshly generated puke of
your choice in an airtight container and deliver it to your door within half
an hour. If you want something more extravagent and are willing to pay for
it, some companies also provide a doorstep service whereby a lorry will call
round with a selection of overfed donkeys, racoons, cats and dogs and you can
choose whatever you like best. Of course, you may find that you dont need an
inducer if you have eaten enough stomach filler, or who knows, you may be a
born natural.
When you feel your first convulsion or spasm, if no substance has entered
your mouth, then punch yourself in the gut ( or get a friend to do it ).
Other things to try are standing up and bending over the receptical placed at
your feet or sitting on the ground with your legs drawn up against your torso
and your head between your legs. The important thing to remember is to not
prolong an unsucessful contraction. If after several spasms, nothing has
happened, then return to the inducers and try again after a few minutes.
When you get that silky feeling in your throat and you realise that for the
first time in your life you are going to throw, the most important thing to
remember is to not let your excitement lead you to lose control. First of
all, dont dispatch the first chunks as they arise but keep your mouth shut
for a moment or two. Not only does having a bulging gob full of chunder have
a very satisfying inducer effect, but you want to release your produce in big
bursts for maximal splosh factor. In the chapter 'Techniques, style and
artistic impression' we discuss advanced techniques for prolonging the
technicolor yawn but for the first time just be satisfied with the duration
that you can get by not rushing it.
So that was your first vomit. Hopefully through the guidance of this manual
it has been a loud and enjoyable one. You'll now want to know how you can
increase and optimise your vomitting and become an experienced throw up
merchant. Well, you are just initialised into the wonderful world of vomit,
and naturally you are eager, but take things slowly. The next chapters will
lead you to excellence.
Chapter #3: Getting the diet right.
Even Sedric "The Chucker" Chewitt can't heave from an empty stomach. Diet
is the single most important factor in successful vomit consistancy. In time
you will find your own personal selection of foods that suit your
requirements for taste, smell, consistancy, volume and acidity but here are
some guidelines for getting there as fast as possible.
Perfecting consistancy:
Everything is broken down by the stomachs acid, but at different rates. For
optimum consistancy, you should aim to vomit when roughly half of the stomach
content is fully broken down. At this time, depending on what you eat, there
will remain some components of the food relatively undigested. A
comprehensive list of food ingredients and digestion times has been published
by penguin under the title, "A complete study in food digestion and
interesting vomit constitution", and this is vital reading material if you
intend to enter the professional vomitting ring. Such a list is beyond the
scope of this book but here are some key factors:-
Things that break down FAST:
potatoes in most forms
dog turds
chocolate
most vegetables
spagetti
Things that break down SLOW:
peppers
nuts
rice
whole sausages
horse testicles
Things that never break down:
ballbearings
nuts and bolts
dice
monopoly counters
capacitors
Just as a footnote I would like to stress that swollowing articles of farm
machinery is a very dangerous practice and whilst you may think it will make
you the king of the scene to throw up the odd car battery or two, the risks
involved in eating anything larger than a small handbag are far too high.
Perfecting volume:
I have conducted a length study on the relation of food in to vomit out
ratios and this is my conclusion. The volume change due to the addition of
stomach acids is not appreciable and is usually countered by the fact that it
is fairly hard to completely clear your stomach. However, it is possible to
eat foods that swell in the tum somewhat such as pastry, mashed potatoes,
spagetti and bread. Whilst the increase in volume is fairly small, it may be
worthwhile and is certain worth a try. However in the general case, the only
way to produce a real bag full of barf is to cram that stomach full.
Perfecting colour:
Colour can add excitement and surprise to your kneeling at the throne of the
porcelain god and is very easy to do with a little care. Peppers for example,
take a long time to break down and so keep their colour ( red, green or
yellow ) much longer than everything else. The delight in throwing a glorious
puke with red, green and yellow bits can not be over estimated.
Perfecting acidity:
Acidity is more a factor dependant upon how long your food has been in your
stomach rather than what you eat, in fact, it is has often marvelled
vomit-novices the fact that chicken kiev looks much the same as carrot cake
and anything else that has sloshed around inside you for an hour. In general
then, strive for the ideal of keeping your bulk for upwards of half an hour
before using inducers or making the final decision to vomit. If you dont have
the time for such preparations then drink half a pint of coke into which has
been mixed 4 tablespoons of cayenne, or curry powder and you might like to
add some nutmeg to finish off the aftertaste.
Perfecting smell:
The ingredients for enhancing vomit smell are fairly obvious. Garlic, sage
and spices of all sorts and the standards. As you progress further you may
want to try drinking perfume, lemon juice, baby oil or mixing your foods with
talcum powder. Ransid butter, curdled milk and rotting meat add distinctive
overtones to any vomit if you can bring yourself to eat the stuff.
Chapter #4: Techniques, style and artistic impression.
Of course there is so much more to vomitting than opening the floodgates
and painting the floor, and it is the full bodied, never ending variety of
pleasures and sensations that gives heaving such a dominant role in the field
of human experience. In this chapter I intend to summarise the most prominant
advanced techniques for increasing your vomitting pleasure and help you to
explore the hidden depths which previously were a closely guarded secret in
mysticism and the occult.
Probably the most characteristic quality of any vomitting is the throw or
casting of the spew. When done well it can add a sense of professionalism to
the whole business; even if all other aspects of the vomit are bad, an
impressive throw can still make an attempt dramatic and unforgettable. Some
leading professionals like Maggie "Blunderguts" Meggan and Squirting Stephens
have devoted nearly all of their training to the throw and no one could call
their results unimpressive.
Ok, so how do we work on that throw? Right now you've probably developed
some fundamental stomach control but the chances are that your mouth is
gaping uncontrolled, your wind-pipe is dormant and the vomit just slips over
your tongue with out so much as a with-your-leave or a by-your-leave! To
change this you will need to adopt a regular strategy of practice and
exercises. Below is a list of exercises collected from the best recent works
on vomitology and include some of the secret training instructions discovered
recently in occult initiation ceremonial texts. Remember, don't try to be too
ambitious, and continue each exercise until you are happy with your
performance.
Exercise #1:
If you are relatively new to chucking the chunks then the single most
thing that is holding your performance back is most likely to be your
attitude. When the convulsions start, if you dont really know what to do then
you will probably be tense and this causes the trachea to contract and
stiffen in an uncontrollable fashion. Nervousness can also affect the stomach
causing premature heaving or liquid spew. A proper discussion of these
problems is given in the chapter 'some common problems'. For the time being I
just want to describe a simple way to reduce nervousness. Try to relax and
enjoy it rather than worrying overly about your performance. Sit in the bath
and just wait until you feel ready. Sing a song or two or do a crossword
perhaps. In your own time bring up approximately half of your guts. This will
promote your control whilst not being too difficult and you can get used to
being in command of the situation.
Exercise #2:
When the vomit starts to rise up your wind-pipe, tilt your head back
and withdraw your tongue to the very back of your throat. You will find that
if you place the tip of your tongue on the floor of your mouth cavity as far
back as possible, then the back of your tongue will rise up against the
opening of your wind-pipe. When the lumps reach your tongue and touch it
significantly then drop your head to about 20 degrees below the horizontal
and simultaneously throw forward your tongue. This is one of the best ways to
prevent a gradual or slow build up or "pre-vomit-dribble" which can be very
embarrassing on formal occasions when you are trying to impress the guests.
Also, the action of the tongue can be varied to produce some very satisfying
noises to accompany your bursts.
Exercise #3:
Whilst holding vomit at the back of the throat with the tongue is
excellent for achieving high velocity streams, causing a build up in the
mouth is very good for large-scale-splatt effects. For this purpose the aim
is not to throw far or accurately, but to deposit large dollops of vomit over
as big an area as possible. Purse your lips and bow your head about 45
degrees below the horizontal. Place your tongue over your front teeth and
push forward with it slightly so that your lips bulge. Bring forth the
glorious chunder into your mouth and let your cheeks bulge. When your mouth
is full, drop your tongue, let your mouth open and as the chunks emerge,
raise your head QUICKLY but not above horizontal. This will produce wonderful
flowing bulk and the hopefully jerky movement of the head will throw it clear
of your body.
This takes some practice. When the sharp movement of your head has
finished, close your mouth and replace your tongue over your teeth or else
you will slime your jumper and instantly loose all respect and admiration
amoung your friends. If you time your jerk too late, the best thing to do to
avoid disaster is to bend your torso sideways from the waist as quickly as
possible and any drips or castaways will be thrown sideways. Whilst people
will probably cotton on to what you are doing, it is better that they do this
than laugh at you when you slip off to change your clothes.
When you have perfected the bulging mouth you will be a long way into
professional vomitting. There's nothing to beat that collective look of
excitement and anticipation on peoples faces as they stare at your gob which
is rapidly becoming like a postmans bag, in the knowledge that in a few
seconds the table will be devastated with a veritable holocaust of vomit.
Exercise #4:
Most people do not have that much control over their wind-pipe, but
mastery of it's abilities and potential is vital if you are ever to see your
name up in the list of classic throw-up merchants. Even if you dont have your
eyes on fame, but only wish to develop your regurgitation for your personal
satisfaction, being able to use your throat will give you that extra
advantage over your vomitting friends and companions who probably never even
tried to use it because of the difficulties involved.
With your mouth clear of vomit, try forcing a cough. For this it is
important to have a glass of water or some other liquid around to drink or
gargle with in between coughs since the throat can get very dry and sore if
you repeatedly cough without lubrication. Concentrate on not only dispelling
air quickly, but contracting your trachea. After a while you will be able to
cause these contractions at will.
This is a fairly advanced technique that is perhaps only effective
when used in conjuction with other methods. Use the contractions to reduce
the vomit flow with a method to inhibit any liquid-spew, then let your throat
expand and let the number 41 with rice find the shortest path to the floor.
Exercise #5:
This is a technique that was once laughed at and widely held in
contempt since it used only to be employed by people who had zero throat
control. These days it has come into acceptance with the knowledge that it
can actually build and develop throat control, which is an admireable thing.
Fill the mouth with vomit and HOLD it there. This might take some
practice but shouldn't pose any problems for the reader by now. As more
chunder approaches which would normally force you to open your mouth, place
one hand in front of your throat and the other behind and squeeze gently. If
you do this right, there is no need for discomfort or a great deal of
pressure; the front hand should be just above the collar-bone. When you
squeeze, most of the force should be upwards and only a little into the
throat. This way the vomit is held back with ease. When the pressure is right
take your hands away FIRST and let the additional vomit come up. The extra
pressure in your mouth should be enough to open your lips and the produce
will fly at a surprising speed.
Exercise #6:
Next we describe, "rocket vomit". Some people can not do this, others
can. Try it, but dont spend months on end trying to do it if no success
shows. When you have the mental control to time your first vomit spasm fairly
acurately, try filling your lungs just before the vomit rises. When enough
juice n jobs have entered your mouth, release your lungs, throw your neck
forward and the resulting escaping pressure will project lumps of vomit
meters away from you. You may prefer to pinch your nose as you do this to
stop fluid entering and attacking the mucous membranes. Although there are
other methods in use today, this technique is generally held to be the key to
long distance vomitting.
Something I feel compelled to mention if only to stop you doing it is
the so called "squeaky-heave". This is the practice of breathing helium or
other light gasses in order to achieve higher vomit velocities. The lungs can
be severely damaged by being over-inflated and a normal sized breath of a gas
like helium can do this. There are other dangers too. Hydrogen can combust
spontaneously in the chest cavity and Nitrogen kills brain cells if large
ammounts get absorbed into the blood stream. Hydrogen Fluoride will destroy
your lungs very quickly. By way of a warning I will recall the incident of a
contestant who tried to cheat using helium in the last Mr. Vomit competition;
the resulting explosion of vomit was so violent that his lower jaw was
dislocated and he lost three teeth. In short, DON'T DO IT.
Exercise #7:
Swallowing your own chunder is standard practice for accomplished
throw up merchants and creates possibilities which way out weigh any qualms
you may have at first about this. As an alternative or a staggering addition
to, "rocket vomit", is the practice of swallowing your vomit with gasps of
air several times in preperation to the BIG outlay. As you project, you belch
forward the air you swallowed to produce extra thrust and some interesting
sound effects. Imagine the awe when, in one magnificent resounding roar, you
project a cluster of clogs over the hostess's shoulder and into the champange
bucket! As they say, "you could be the envy of your friends". Seriously
though, I too was very tentative about swallowing my own grommits; I
especially remember worrying whether anyone would notice the pulsating of my
throat. The reality of the situation is that the chances are your vomit
tastes nicer than the food provided, after all, it is very familiar, you know
where it has been and you don't have to worry whether it is dead or not. As
for the pulsating throat, people usually don't notice but if they do, just
smile politely and make a joke like, "the fish is trying to escape", or, "I'm
sorry, but my vomit is not for sale". Remember to clear your throat first
though!
Exercise #8:
Turning your head sideways stretches your wind-pipe producing a
longer, thinner tunnel for your vomit load to come steaming through. Face
forward whilst the vomit rises and only when the flow is full turn your head
to face the side. This way the thinner passage doesn't restrict the initial
build up of vomit. This has other advantages too in that whilst you are
facing forward, a person to your side may not be paying you much attention
and is not aware of what you are doing. Therefore if you really hate them you
can turn sideways abruptly at the right moment and vomit in their lap. If you
turn more slowly, they will think you want to talk to them and will look in
your direction and receive a front seat view of the action.
Of course, turning the head fast has a certain "fling" effect on your
vomit which can be utilised to great effect in the distance stakes, but
remember that vomit travels in a straight line unless acted upon by some
external face or object so you have to judge the release of the chewy bits
with care as they will fly in a direction tangential to your mouth.
Exercise #9:
Fancy techniques for casting your vomit over your friends or opening
doors with blasts of spew are all very well but they all depend on one vital
ability which, up until now, has been unmentioned in this text. This ability
is stomach power. We have discussed how the speed and flow of bits'n'bobs
from the mouth can be enhanced with the use of the throat, lungs, tongue,
head and other parts of the body but in the end everything depends on the
sheer power of the stomach; just how many buckets/minute can you push at??
And what can be done to improve your chuck rate? The stomach muscles, like
most muscles in the human body, grow to the strength that they need for your
normal life and then no further. Hence, if you want to make them stronger,
you have to use them more frequently, for longer, and for heavier tasks. Try
eating enormous meals, doing sit-ups, bringing up dense food articles every
morning and similar exercises. Progress is usually slow on this front, it may
take over a year to develop a respectable chuck rate but stomach exercises
are a must for any would be world contender.
By now we are well on the way to vomitting with great ability, and building
a fine and enviable repertoire of ways in which to be sick, but what can we
do to crown our skill with style? How does one gain that innovative,
imaginative quality which you have always admired in the classic puke faces
of history? Some people just don't have it, but don't take that as a reason
to not try! The trick is being ever-aware of a good chucking opportunity and
to have a quick mind to decide the best way to carry out the deed. As you go
through your daily life, continuously ask yourself whether the circumstances
are geared for a really witty vomit. Maybe the waitress has large pockets in
her uniform or you might want to prove a point concerning the nature of the
chilli dish. You could demonstrate how a venus fly trap works, prove to the
dog that you can make a bigger mess, or show your uncle what you think of his
house of cards. The chances are all out there, just waiting to be spotted
beneath the surface, waiting to bring you satisfaction and respect. Look out
for objects and people that contact with a blast of vomit would be
outstandingly stylish and cool. Think through the actions in your routine
life and imagine which of them would could be achieved more successfully with
the use of your puke and which ones to which a nice, deep lurch of carrots
would gracefully and aptly accompany. The stylish vomitter in company is a
master of the unexpected; everyone knows he can implode tellys and topple
passers by with his chunder but it is WHEN he releases his load that makes it
an event that people will remember into their last days. Vomitting is a
highly flexible and communicative form of expressing emotion. A chuck of
chunks can express grief, boredom, happyness, relief, surprise and love. In
short, heaving is a way of life.
Chapter #5: Some common problems.
The most common problem that people encounter as they vomit around the
world is that of premature vomitting. Quite simply, premature vomitting is
the disorder whereby the chunks are thrown in a spasm of uncontrol, before
that precise moment when such an act would be deemed to be admirable. It is
both a distressing and highly embarrassing condition and can totally ruin
your vomit life if tackled in the wrong way. Putting elastoplast across your
mouth until the crucial moment is not the right way to tackle the problem and
can be very dangerous so please dont try it. The stem of the symptom is
basically mental and hence the solution is mental training. The first method
is to redigest anything you have vomitted prematurely and to perserve at this
until you throw up at the right time. The determination and concentration
needed for this will soon reshape your attitude. An alternative is the "stick
and carrot" technique which requires a partner. This works by promoting a
trained response. Everytime you vomit prematurely your partner beats you till
you bleed with the stick ( assuming you dont actually enjoy this ), and
everytime you vomit at the right moment, they heave carrots all over you and
give you a massage by way of reward. Either of these techniques should work
within a few weeks.
Liquid spew is a very distressing disorder and can whittle away at your
self condifence and leave you totally demoralised. Vomit that is too thin is
no use for anything; it can not be casted effectively, it does not make
satisfying contact noises, it usually carries very little momentum, and quite
often will lead to embarrassing dribbles and stained shirts. The first thing
to do if you suspect that you have a case of the dribbles is to check your
diet. If you are not taking enough fibre, solidity or food that breaks down
slowly, then you are making yourself vunerable to an attack. So then, if you
are reading this section, after having disgraced yourself with silent
squirts, first read the "getting the diet right" section.
If you are convinced that there is nothing wrong with your diet, then the
situation is potentially a lot more serious. If you are going out soon, or
intend to attend a social event and you want a temporary solution, I have a
range of pills available at my clinic in Kings End which will help you ride
the storm out. Expanding when coming into contact with acid, they will
provide realistic looking chunks when needed and no one will ever know the
difference. The actual cause of the problem is either psychological, or
because your stomach has become so accustomed to preparing viscious prize
winning chunder that it has grown over zealous in breaking down food stuffs.
If the later is the case then there are two approaches recommended by the
vomitters union to clear the problem up. The first is to give it lots of
material that it will never break down in an attempt to piss your stomach
acids off until they sulk and refuse to work anymore. Although an old
technique, ( indeed, there is a reference to this found in ancient Chinese
records concerning a man who ate a small deciduous forest ), it has received
wide spread acclaim despite being difficult to put into practice. Substances
commonly available to the modern man for this purpose that I recommend are
ball-bearings, walking sticks, plate metal work off cuts, gas cylinders and
RS232 cables. The second method is to dilute your acids enormously whilst in
action. For this, you need to be able to hold the food in question in your
stomach for at least ten hours whilst simultaneously passing 8 pints of
salted water through your system. Dont let the drastic and at times dangerous
nature of these methods put you off, but keep at it; it is better to die with
your honour in tact than to become a vomitless wimp.
If you have tried all this to no avail, you may consider an artificial
stomach. It's an expensive operation but one that can be performed with
safety at our labs, and no one ever need know the difference. First though,
you will need to undergo some elementary tests for which we would like a
sample. Package at least 1 litre of mixed vomit in an airtight container and
take it in to any of my delicatessen outlets. They will be more than happy to
accomodate you and they are all professionals. If you have any complaints
then write to me and I'll come and scare them!
Chapter #6: Mutual and synchronised heaving.
Mutual vomitting is one of the most intense pleasures available to a man or
woman but even today there is still a certain stigma attached to simultaneous
throwing up. This stigma and narrow-mindedness prevents many people from ever
experiencing it and this is a great shame. Other people are willing and eager
to participate but are fearful of enquiring of other people or of inviting
friends to join with them in pounding the pavement. Here is an account of my
first mutual vomit:-
I was enjoying a meal with three friends of mine from college and we
had all taken a liking to the waitress that night because she was
particularly friendly and bright spirited. It was the end of my second year
and by now my friends knew that I took great pride in my vomitting and I had
been somewhat of an inspiration to them in their own self-exploration of
vomitting. There was a distinct atmosphere of excitement that night as
"Midas" as we called him had only hours before performed his first ever 90
degree sick flick and it had been an eye opener for him and to a lesser
extent the others. It was a classic worthy of someone far more experienced
than he and he felt on top of the world. There had been an old lady waiting
at the bus stop who shouted at us and told us to cut our hair. It came to
Midas as pure inspiration as he looked down ( we thought in shame ), but then
brought his head up in a snap to his side, and a stream of vomit, small but
chunky and with a good complexion, flew magnificantly through the air to
collide with the womans hat which was knocked plain off her head. The rest of
the group were stunned and I was grinning inanely cos I knew that after this
glorious act he would be hooked. The other people waiting at the bus stop had
started clapping and a group of workmen across the road were cheering and
whistling in delight. Back to the restaurant and the waitress approached
bouncilly with the desert menu. I glanced across at Midas who I suspect knew
what I had in mind and a still silence fell across the group. "What would you
like for desert?", asked the unsuspecting waitress. In an outburst of
dramatic spontaneity all FOUR of us barked orange onto the table, sharp and
sweet. It didn't last long but the feeling was tremendous, unforgettable. We
had become the very epicentre of attention. Everyone throughout the joint had
dropped their forks, others turned around, all were gazing in unbelief. After
a second or two the waitress said calmly, "so thats four chocolate challenges
then?", and with that the whole restaurant fell apart in laughter. It made
the evening. Several people afterwards approached us and said what a great
time they had had.
At everyone's heart lies the desire to vomit in good company. For some
people it must remain caged by inhibition and outmoded social values all
their life but finding fellow vomitters to spew with isn't so hard. As soon
as you really get into throwing up in a serious way and it becomes an
integral part of your lifestyle, people will sort themselves out. The respect
and admiration you will command of fellow vomitters will clearly label them
as people with whom, a mutual vomit could happen. But don't push it, a LOT of
people don't like to be rushed and they may not be as progressive or eager as
you to become a radical throw up merchant. In time you will reach a situation
where a group of you are keen to merge streams and sooner or later something
will trigger everyone to jointly overcome those remnant fears.
WARNING: The rest of this chapter contains explicit details of mutual
vomitting and may cause offense to some.
Slide vomitting is great fun, especially at parties when people have had a
few drinks and turned down their inhibitions a little. Lay out a plastic
sheet on the floor; these can be obtained from all good D.I.Y shops. Everyone
sits around the edge and holds hands. Upon an agreed signal you all puke up
onto the sheet and conventionally this is followed by a forward roll. Then,
when the vomit is evenly spread and forming a frictionless zone, you all take
turns to run up to the sheet at high speed and slide gloriously through the
slurp.
Pooh-chunks is a favourite of many children and it is a shame that in
polite circles they are encouraged to grow out of it because it is fun for
people of all ages. In recent years it has been the centre of much
controversy with claims that it is tantamount to criminal vomit waste but I
have always been of the view that there should be no formal guidelines for
the use of our finest emission and that anything that is enjoyable and
harmless to passers by is allowed.
Usually in a group, people stand on the brow of a bridge and take turns to
throw up into the water. After pausing to sample the jolly splatter and plop,
everyone rushes over to the other side of the bridge and waits for the vomit
to emerge. Of course, it is only the chunks that have any buoyance and the
larger they are, the longer they will stay on the surface. The winner is
deamed to be the owner of the largest clump of chunks still floating by the
time the current has moved them to the other side.
There is a surprising ammount of skill in this game and I personally regard
the refusal to enter it in the Mr. Vomit competitions as a mistake. The ideal
is chunks that are large but not heavy and that do not absorb large ammounts
of water, and these are not easy to produce, even for professionals. For
fairness, it is usual to adopt a standard food stuff like new potatoes.
Another party practice worth mentioning is "splatt-the-pratt". One person
stands blindfolded on the ground outside the house whilst the party members
assemble by a window above. They each take turns to heave at the guy below
and the first to miss changes places with the previous person below.
"What did I eat?", is generally accepted as being the spew game for the
formal occason. Guests sit in a circle on chairs a good hour or two after the
meal and take turns to heave into their laps. If someone can indentify
something that you ate then you're out.
"Look what I've found!", is almost the opposite, yet just as fun! Sit around
a receptical and heave. Keep your mixture in your mouth though, and find the
chunkiest bit. Holding it at the front of your mouth, swallow the rest. Place
your bit on the end of your tongue, open mouth and extend. Whilst everyone
watches with awe, flick it quickly and neatly into the bin. If you have any
chance of being the winner, everyone will rush to check what it was you
found.
I wish to turn now to vomitting specifically with a partner. What could be
more romantic than snuggling up to your partner real close and alternately
barking slime into each others laps? There are so many wonderful ways to
vomit with someone special and strengthen the bonds that form a permanent and
successful relationship. However there is no reason to restrict the pleasures
of mutual puking to a private occasion. Doing it in public quite often adds
an extra thrill that comes from the fear of being ostracised, and the fear
that the warden will rip your nuts off if he catches you drenching the
rabbits in your chunder. However, such adventurous pursuits should be the
product of your imagination and ingenuity and they will be all the more
enjoyable for you this way. Bellow is a summary of the more well known and
loved positions for two player mutual puking.
1) The Vomit Roll
Start with your partner lying flat out on their front and with you sitting on
top just above their posterior. When everyone is ready, heave onto their back
starting from the head down to where you are sitting. Sit still for a while
to allow them to enjoy the trickling sensation and you may like to experiment
with a trailing finger for a moment or two. Then, slowly your partner turns
over to squeeze out the vomit and relax in it's soothing vapours whilst you
repeat the process, this time on their front. This is an example of mutual
but not synchronised vomitting, or anti-phase throwing up as some people have
come to call it.
2) Chukakiss
This, perhaps, the most romantic of all heaving, and certainly the most
touching gesture found between humans. Simply bring the lips togther, with
mouths wide open, and kiss slowly. In the conventional form, both people
slowly ooze forth the vomit, and fill their cheeks. At the start you can roll
your tongue around your partners mouth, chase little bits up and down their
gums and so forth, but as the action continues, withdraw your tongue and
place it at the bottem of your mouth. During the middle phase, it is possible
to push vomit back and forth between you. This is known as, "passing the
puke", (a scence depicting this featured in the recent box-office smash,
"Yours, Forever"), and is in many ways the most pleasureable part since it
can last a long time. Finally, at the climax, when both mouths are packed,
close the regurgitation with small bursts. The first few will just stretch
your cheeks, (I personally find this so exciting that I usually orgasm), but
sooner or later there will just be no more room and the pressure of vomit
will explode sending gushes over you and your partners face. Beautiful!
Other versions of this you will want to try are, hold back your sick and
prolonging the ecstacy of suspense before barking quickly with passion. Or
taking turns to wrench and swallow.
3) "A Spew Job"
This follows the lines of a conventional, "Blow-job", except at the peak of
pleasure the lady throws. She can either hold the vomit in her mouth and let
the natural juices tingle upon the penis, or withdraw and continue to blast
his genitals with pea soup. It is a great shame that the analogous technique
upon the female sex is not practical. "Chuckilingus", remains an activity
confined to massochistic circles, and with good reason! I would not recommend
trying it.
Chapter #7: Professional vomitting and competition.
The ANSI vomit grading standard as used in the "Mr. Vomit" and most other
competitions is as follows:-
CONSISTANCY:
The vomit is transferred into a sucession of wire mesh containers,
the mesh size increasing in the sequence, ( 1mm, 2mm, 3mm, 5mm, 8mm, 13mm,
21mm ) and the weight found in each category is measured. The product of
these weights is taken, and the consistancy score is this value. Extra credit
is usually given for unusual or amusing shaped chunks or pieces of vomit that
remind the judges of someone they know.
VOLUME:
The volume score is the sum of the weights in each category.
COLOUR:
Spectographical analysis under tungsten is taken and absorbance over
frequency is plotted. The standard deviation from the mean is calculated by
computer and this is the colour score.
ACIDITY:
Your vomit is placed on a standard meter cube of polystyrene. After
10 minutes the depth of the depression formed is measured and is the acidity
score. This is soon to be replaced by a Ph meter. However, to please the
traditionalists, acidity will still be marked in mm/10min
TASTE:
Your vomit is offered to a dog which is a clone of "lapper", the
first vomit taster judge who sadly died a few years ago. The percentage
volume that is consumed is the taste score.
SMELL:
The smell mark is binary. If the lapper clone refuses to go to the
bowl then you get zero.
Professional vomitting is not something to be taken lightly. It is a tight
and proud community that enters regularly for contests and your face will be
remembered from when you first try your stomach under the rules. For this
reason it is considerably hard to pass from, "excellent amateur", to,
"professional". Professionals are a nervous lot and they will not coach you
if they think you've got enough potential to displace them. Training then, is
restricted to observation and intuition. If you are interested then subscribe
to the relevant newsgroups, attend all the competitions, and keep an eye on
the top dogs. Of course, there are always crowds of well-wishers and stain
collectors at public gatherings and this can sometimes be deployed to your
advantage. Vommiters are a fair minded breed and may take pity upon a
no-hoper wretching pathetically on the side lines, and offer a few handy
tips.
I wish you the best of luck, and may the best barker win!
c...@tardis.computer-science.edinburgh.ac.uk
I'm pretty sure the UNIX weenies of the jungle didn't just eat berries
though:I'd swear it was berry *pizzas*.& the Romans,alas,were not into
vomming for the sheer joy of it or merely to empty their stomachs - they
served so many courses at banquets that it was obligatory to vom between
them in order not to insult the host by refusing any food.The writers of
the period mention this & the fact that sometimes only new-clipped wool
could absorb the wine served (ever been to one of those parties where some
fool brings Bulgarian white?) but never show us the chunders of high-class
hosts...
The best clue to an oncoming vom,or so I've found is that odd sensation of
dryness in the mouth complemented by sudden overactivity by the saliva
glands.& the best way to induce a chuck is with lots of salt - though the
dedicated might like to add minced peppered mackerel & rancid milk to their
consumption of strong salt solution.
& remember,kiddies,never brush your teeth after a chunder.The stomach acids
under that neat overlay of just-sprayed food will rot your teeth to a nice
patchy brown interlaced with putrid food and the occasional decaying nerve.
The purist might consume peppers to colour their food:I prefer to colour my
vomit according to my venue - Blue food colouring for a Tory-filled college,
Red ditto for a Labour college.Makes them feel at home...you see,I do have
some social graces.
Tanaqui (cen at uk.ac.ed.cs.tardis)
"Gryphons shouldn't marry.Vampires don't dance"
Murray Chapman
be drinking.
Think about it.....
+^o^+^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-+-o-+
| | Murray Chapman muz...@cs.uq.oz.au | |
| o | | o |
| | University of Queensland "I'd rather have a bottle in front | |
| o | St Lucia, Queenland of me than a frontal lobotomy" | o |
| | AUSTRALIA - Mel Brooks | |
| o | | o |
+^-^+^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-------------+---+
\__ | o |
Hate that! -----> +^-^-^-^-^-^-^-
Traini Mathew
vomiting. After having cosumed an entire bottle of rock salt, and having
a good 'ol 5 minute long technicolour yawn, I know only too well the
consequences.
Another neat trick to try is to eat whole slices of bread without chewing
them. I ate about 5 slices like this, and about 15 minutes later, I
chucked the whole lot up again!!!
By the way, have you ever noticed that there is always carrot in your
vom, even if you haven't eaten a carrot for months...
I hate disclaimers...
Mathew Traini
Zz
Jeffrey Klein
>Yes I must agree with you that salt is especially good for inducing
>vomiting. After having cosumed an entire bottle of rock salt, and having
>a good 'ol 5 minute long technicolour yawn, I know only too well the
>consequences.
>
-JK
Gary Strand
> Chew BOULLION CUBES! They're great!
Actually, as a kid, I used to like to suck on them after going to bed, kind
of like sneaking cookies or gum. The cracks in your tongue feel neat, as
does the texture of the inside of your lips.
For inducing vomiting, though, try eating about 1/2 kilo of Cornnuts. Made
me puke so bad it went into my nose. Nothing better than salty stomach acid
burning your snot.
--
Gary Strand, lurking as gst...@isis.cs.du.edu
(preferred: stra...@ncar.ucar.edu)
Tim Capps
> For inducing vomiting, though, try eating about 1/2 kilo of Cornnuts. Made
> me puke so bad it went into my nose. Nothing better than salty stomach acid
> burning your snot.
How about the old 'bananas & 7-up' trick?
We used to do this one to kids at camp. You have this eating contest, and
the things to eat are bananas and 7-up. Everyone chows down. Everything
seems fine for awhile, then the ingredients start to react.
Then, everyone is hollering for Ralf! Bust a gut!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tim Capps | t...@qed.tcc.com | Give The QED BBS a call! New
QED Software | The QED BBS (213)420-9327 | phone number - V.32 & PEP etc.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Laura Palmer
This one is new to me.... what *is* the old bananas and 7-up trick??
How do they react??? This does not seen plausible, but I am curious.
Take Care,
--Rob.
M.B.PROCTER
>>How about the old 'bananas & 7-up' trick?
I knew a girl who was nicknamed 7-up because of an episode after hours
in a pub, over a pool table, involving her and seven men.
When I spoke to her about it she said they shouldn't call her 7-up because
it wasn't true. It was only three!
--
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Mark B. Procter | PinkFloydELOGenesisTheCureJohnLennonTalkingHeads |
| csg...@cov.cck.uk.ac | QueenTheFarmFeargalSharkeyTheSmithsHappyMondays |
| "Bollocks!" - R.Mellie | "Mother, do you think they'll drop the bomb?" |
Jim Thomas Park , Jr.
Try this one at home. This is refered to as the ATOMIC PUKE. Eat a bag
of marshmellows and then chug a Pepsi. I personally not seen this done
but friends of mine have seen it. They said that the pepsi reacts with
the marshmellows and just comes up and out on it's own,
Thought you people might like to give it a try.
***************************************
James T. Park, Jr.
Senior Warden
Avalon Lodge No. 657
@
/ \
/ \
\ / \ /
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/\ G /\
/ \ / \
/ \/ \
F & A M of Pennsylvania
***************************************
Malcolm L. Carlock
>Hey Kids,
>Eat a bag of marshmellows and then chug a Pepsi. I personally not seen this
>done but friends of mine have seen it. They said that the pepsi reacts with
>the marshmellows and just comes up and out on it's own,
How long does the outflow last? What if you want to breathe in the meantime?
Sounds like a person could easily get melted marshmallows into their lungs
(yum!) if they weren't careful.
ObTasteless: C'mon, pull my finger.
--
Malcolm L. Carlock Internet: ma...@unr.edu
UUCP: unr!malc
BITNET: malc@equinox