An open letter to AHWW (long!)
KatmanDu
actions of its readers, the indicators of cultish behavior, and the
nature of therianthropy itself. Nothing I can say is going to sway
arguments one way or another at this point, as the participants are by
this time firmly entrenched in their viewpoints and unwilling to back
down. But I can offer my thoughts on it all, and the state of my own
"wereness" after 7 years of participating in AHWW.
First is the state of the newsgroup. Much anguished wailing is made of
the lack of "greymuzzles" in the group these days. What I've found is
that a person joins the group confused and possibly a little scared of
their nature, and joins full of questions and seeking assurance that
there are others like them. They gradually come out of their
newbie-poster shells and participate more and more in the discussions.
As they explore the group, they also begin to explore themselves and
their natures. They reach a peak in both posting and self-knowledge,
and gain confidence in themselves. Eventually, their posting tapers
off and finally stops- because the group has guided them over that
first hurdle, and they no longer require its support.
To me, this is a good thing. They've learned either a) to accept what
they are or b) that they aren't what they thought they were. Either
way, their journey of self-discovery, facilitated by the group, has
clarified their soul for them. So don't lament at their passing-
rejoice in their confidence.
There's always been frivolity and playing on the group- that's the
nature of socializing. But the group, and its collective knowledge in
the form of the FAQ and the serious discussions, still forms the same
function now as it did in 1993- to aid people in searching this aspect
of themselves. The meowers and trollers are but buzzing annoyances,
gnats around the campfire that can be ignored.
Then there are the valid participants themselves, and the petty dramas
that get enacted on this somewhat shopworn stage. You know what I
mean- the "did not" "did too" back and forth. What's to be done?
Nothing. Nothing you can do is going to matter in this virtual
environment. The squabble-ors are only showing the others how petty
and inane they can be. Let their actions speak for themselves, and
move along. If they were interested in serious discussion, their
points would have been couched as such. And if you, the reader, are
bristling at this, thinking I'm talking about you... Am I? If the shoe
fits... I haven't mentioned any names; I haven't got anyone in
particular in mind. The world can be a very harsh place for the
thin-skinned.
And a subject of much recent tooth gnashing: Cults. I have no
experience with Therian's Campfire. But the only bona-fide cult leader
in AHWW I've ever been aware of was Storm. He promised the holy grail
of physical shifting to some vulnerable folks, who were wrestling with
their natures, for a low, low price... and took advantage of the trust
they placed in him. Actually, "cult leader" is too powerful a term for
him; he was naught but a con man, one long overdue for a bust in the
chops.
But while I don't see any cults springing up, the potential for
another Storm is always there. You new folks, lurking in the
background and hesitant to admit your thoughts to anyone, including
yourselves- be wary. If it sounds too good to be true, it is. If it
costs a substantial amount, whether in cash or favors or loyalty to
the seller- run.
And while I can see no cults, I can see a fair amount of juvenile
one-upsmanship. Whose web page has the most features? Whose
information is the One True Path?
Who cares?
And what of the "One True Path"? Is there one? Do you have to fit XX
parameters before you're considered a "real" were? Should you run up
stairs on all fours, howl at the moon, eat your meat raw, have a
certain blood type? Should you "shift", or Dream, or have Visions?
Let me ask a more pertinent question. To whom does any of the above
matter? My answer- to the person in question, only. Only they know how
they feel. Only they know why they're attracted to such a topic. Only
they can say how it affects them. Only they know if they are "were" or
not. Certainly, these topics can be entertaining to discuss, and I'm
not suggesting that we not talk about them. But realize that only you
can truly know who you are. Don't take your eye color too seriously.
Some time ago, Lion Templin wrote an essay on what he called "Viral
Therianthropy", the idea that a person convinces themselves that they
are were so that they can feel a part of something. A lot of people
pointed out that the same could be said of many things, including
religion. And it's true, it could. But the idea is still valid. What
should you do if you suspect the new guy in the group is either fooled
into thinking he's a were, or just plain pretending?
Nothing. If he's pretending, he'll get tired of the game and move on.
If he's fooled himself into thinking he's were, eventually, as Lion
points out, he'll do some serious introspection and discover that he's
been fooling himself. In any case, the only person he's hurt is
himself.
So, are you a "true were"? Or are you just fooling yourself? Only one
person can answer that- you. Know yourself. Force yourself, no matter
how unpleasant it may be, to examine your soul and find out what you
are. You may find out you have been fooling yourself, but you will
nevertheless have discovered who you are; and that, oftentimes, is the
best thing anyone can do for himself.
So, where am I at in my wereness?
Well, a lot more accepting of it than I was 10 years ago. For one
thing, I'm not as concerned as I once was over labels.
I've always felt a tug towards the animalistic. A portion of my soul
has always felt as if its outer covering should be fur. As a child, it
was easy to express this- children aren't as imbued with the cultural
and societal expectations and norms that adults are. My parents
provided me with a solid moral framework, and encouraged me to think
for myself. But non-verbal cues can be very strong. I'd act in a way
that was perfectly natural to me, and notice that my friends or my
relatives, while on the surface betraying nothing unusual, would react
as if I'd done something that I shouldn't. Some kids- being less
inhibited than adults- just came out and said it was weird. Every
child wants to fit in, so I suppressed those feelings and emotions and
tried to mold myself in the image I thought they wanted to see,
relying on their non-verbal cues and body language to tell me if I was
"acting right". I avoided thinking about it, and discovering my
nature. Don't be different, conform. I was rather uptight, prone to
fly off the handle, easily rattled. I never wondered why this was.
When I came to college, I was presented with a lot of freedoms. I was,
in the eyes of society, an adult; free to do whatever I wished. And so
I began to explore myself, to see what made me tick, to pull my soul
out and hang it on the line and examine it for tears. I began to think
back over my childhood, to look at my impulses and motivations. I
began to realize that I had been foolish to try and mold myself into
what society expected rather than to just express myself naturally. I
began to see the animalistic impulses that made up my psyche, and
(still subconsciously wanting to fit some sort of niche) began to look
for labels to apply to them.
The first label I found that even came close was "lycanthropy", even
though I didn't feel particularly wolfish. Cougar is the animal that I
most identify with, that "fits" who I am, that IS what I am. But
Lycanthropy was the closest the libraries had to offer.
Lycanthropy, however, is referred to most often as a clinical
disorder, a precursor to a severe psychotic break with reality. The
years after I began to earnestly explore who I was were rather dicey;
I wasn't in that great a mental state to begin with, and suspecting
that I might be about to go all the way 'round the bend didn't help.
My favorite book at the time (and still one of my favorites) was "Cry
of the Panther", by James McMullen. He's an amateur wildlife biologist
who made it his life's ambition to learn all he could about the
Florida Panther so that he could be more like it; to somehow merge his
soul with the Panther's. He tracked the swamp cougar all over the
Everglades, living in the swamp, mimicking the cat's behavior, and
eventually became one of the foremost authorities on the creature.
It had a powerful effect on me. I was swinging from forcing myself to
be completely socialized to forcing myself to be completely
animalistic. I was ready to drop everything and chase panthers in the
swamp myself. I had Usenet access through the University, and the Web
(such as it was in 1991) and searched it as well, looking for anything
to tell me that the DSM-IV was full of crap. I homed in on AHWW about
a month after it was formed, when it was still discussing horror
movies.
Then 0tt0 piped up, wondering if anyone ever felt like they *were* a
werewolf. Predictably, many people called him looney. But many others
said "Well, yeah... sorta... but not like "The Howling"." And AHWW
took its first turn. And, more importantly, I learned I wasn't the
only one who felt the way I did... and it didn't necessarily mean I
was batshit nuts.
I met a lot of people who were more or less in the same state I was.
Some were more accepting of their natures at an earlier age, and they
helped those of us still learning to express ourselves. We all began
to develop and mature, something we probably should have done a long
time ago, but didn't for one reason or another. Predictably, we came
up with a lot of terms... "Were," "Spiritual Shapeshifter",
"Theriomorph", and many others. Some became obsessed with fitting into
whatever niche they felt should describe them, and probably fell prey
to some of the "viral therianthropy" mentioned earlier; as the group
bandied about definitions and ideas. Most matured until they were
happy with what they were, and no longer needed the group. I wish them
well, and greet them now; I hope they are content with what their
inner journey has shown them and their lives are serene on that score.
Myself, I looked at the labels we'd come up with and wondered whether
or not I really fit them. Was I truly a were? Was I fooling myself? I
turned inward more.
What I've found is that, yes, I am were... or a theriomorph... or a
contherianthrope (as my nature is, and has always been with me; even
when I refused to acknowledge it)... or whatever you want to call it.
I found that the labels didn't matter. I yam what I yam, sez Popeye;
if it fits a convenient label, great. If not, well... it still doesn't
change what I am. I am many times more content with myself, more at
peace, than I ever was when I was a teen and trying to deny my
feelings. No, I don't always fit what society deems normal; but I
integrate very well with that society nonetheless. I feel that I've
done a lot of growing, and I thank AHWW for being there when I needed
it for support. I still have a lot of growing to do- no one ever
really stops learning about themselves- but I feel confident I can
handle whatever life flings my way. If nothing else, my
self-exploration has made me a survivor.
So what of the future, then; for myself and for AHWW? Who knows? It'll
come on it's own, and there's little we can do about it. I envision
AHWW, or whatever it morphs into- and by this, I include all of the
little were communities that have sprung up over the Internet- as a
place for folks who were in the same position I was in in 1991 to gain
some confidence in themselves, and to learn how to seek the answers
that lie only within themselves. Yes, I've seen the exact same
questions asked countless times over the years; the same discussions
cycling over and over endlessly, the same tired flame-wars and
bickering. But when one person writes back to me, years after they
first posted a plaintive question to the group or an email for help,
and says "Hey... thanks. I've learned a lot about myself"... well,
that makes everything worthwhile. I encourage everyone on the group to
be kind to those posting such pleas, or writing you asking for help-
Some of you were in the same position once.
Sleep tight, everyone. And never give up trying to find out who you
are.
katm...@home.com - members.home.net/katmandu1 - katm...@arches.uga.edu
"The rising moon faces the sickening sun as the lights in the tower blocks
go on one by one. A big shot, overlooking this black iron skyline-
surrounded by his symbols of prosperity- sits back in his new leather
chair- ripped off the back of some unfortunate beast. I'm smiling
through my teeth. Anybody can be a millionaire so everybody's gotta try;
but by the laws of this human jungle, only the heartless will survive."
-The The, "Twilight of a Champion"
Shadow Walker
I came here a year ago. I was never normal and never hid all of my were
habits. My closest friends just excepted it and I was who I was. Then I
started to question things and did a no, no. I started to seperate myself
from the were side and examine my were side as a seperete part. The past
year has been more of a search to make myself whole again and stop the habit
I got into of lableling my were side. So here I say it I am a person intouch
with myself and nature.
I have gotton out of AHW what I needed. I don't care were my awareness came
from. I will stay around here to read posts and post a few to those who need
them. I will post if something interesting comes to mind. You all are family
and sometimes family needs each other.
So to all who read Katmandu's post, remember what is said there, I know I
will.
Thank you Katmandu,
Tail wags and howls.
--
-+===========[xxxxxo Shadow Walker oxxxxx]===========+-
"You have....heard....felt....and, known me by many names, but I am, the
Shadow Walker..., never seen."
--Shadow Walker--
Oct 98
"We are raised to honor all the wrong explorers and discovers - thieves
planting flags, murderers carrying crosses. Let us at last praise the
colonizers of dreams."
--Peter S. Beagle--
Watsonville, California
14 July 1973
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog.
You are his life, his love, his leader.
He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart.
You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion"
-- Unknown --
KatmanDu wrote in message <2jdpbscd512dvb044...@4ax.com>...
ShiningTiger
situation. When I first came here, I was confused, and even a little
frightened about all of this. I was glad to have so many people here to help
me through that time of soul-searching. I can only say that I'd like to see
that attitude come again. When the trolls came not too long after I joined the
group, I saw it go from friendly welcomes to cold silence to active scaring
off. I hate to see this happen to people, but it has(and is...though we get
few de-lurkers due to the Meower posts...). I *again* make my plea. I've seen
us band together before, set aside our differences against a common threat.
Due so again and make this place out home once more!
ShiningTiger
Anton Lupus Wulfen
> Much has been made recently over the state of the newsgroup, the
> actions of its readers, the indicators of cultish behavior, and the
> nature of therianthropy itself. Nothing I can say is going to sway
> arguments one way or another at this point, as the participants are by
> this time firmly entrenched in their viewpoints and unwilling to back
> down. But I can offer my thoughts on it all, and the state of my own
> "wereness" after 7 years of participating in AHWW.
<snippedy snip>
What an interesting piece, and truly thought-provoking for all of us.
At least there is some light in this dark and dismal storm that swirls around
us.
Bless you KatmanDu.
Howls,
Anton Lupus Wulfen
AL...@theglobe.com
---------------------
"All you people,
Look to the sky,
Look to the truth.
Perhaps it is better
Rather than you worry now.
Always know this face,
Into my world, do follow.
See me not as your enemy,
Enough of this foolishness!
All I ask is an open mind,
Not this savage beating!
The way is changing,
Only you can take this chance,
No other soul. Take it now!"
- Anton, Master of Subliminals
Kioma Winterwolf
KatmanDu - you've written a well-thought-out piece and made me think once
again - and I thank you for it.
The world needs people like you, KatmanDu.
Keep yourself you.
Kioma
--
________
|\_/| +---------------------------------------------+
/@ @\ | I would rather you curse my name to my face |
\ / -| Than tell me you love me and lie. |
^ +---------------------------------------------+
Zenwolf1960
Why quote when everything that has needed to be said has just been said by the
one guy who rarely posts but when he does,its like a slap in the face with the
wet noodle of reality.I wish I could add something as eloquent or profound ,but
I'm better at being goofy.Three howls for KatmanDu!
Zenwolf
BleuLynx
Thank you, KatmanDu! That was truly a beautiful post.
*~BleuLynx~*
>^..^<
"Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance." -- Plato
"Plato is a bore." -- Neitzsche
"Neitzsche was stupid and abnormal." -- Tolstoy
"I'm not going to get into it with Tolstoy." -- Hemingway
Kcblueyes3013
that mean that i am most like the vampire bat? -luna
Kcblueyes3013
James Emrey Barnes
I've had a good time reading the information in this newsgroup that
really pertains to what this newsgroup is about. All the rest of it, like so
much in society, is padding, illusion, and distraction.
It's a matter of focus.
All that is junk is junk and should be treated as such.
Everyone has their opinion and viewpoint - these can be different, but
never wrong. Just as a persons feelings can't be wrong -- emotions are and
that's that. Maybe someone shouldn't think like that or feel like that, but
they do. It is theirs and attacking it is attacking them.
After digging through the other postings that have occurred since the
last time that I was able to venture here. I see that it is predominately
people trying to cause disruption. Hopefully, they will get bored and go
away.
Northern Forest
Timberwolf
>KatmanDu wrote:
>
>> Much has been made recently over the state of the newsgroup, the
>> actions of its readers, the indicators of cultish behavior, and the
>> nature of therianthropy itself. Nothing I can say is going to sway
>> arguments one way or another at this point, as the participants are by
>> this time firmly entrenched in their viewpoints and unwilling to back
>> down. But I can offer my thoughts on it all, and the state of my own
>> "wereness" after 7 years of participating in AHWW.
>
it is hard to stay out of an argument over a point of view that you feel
does not have anything to do with the wolf side, and being part of your
wereness. *shrugs* Some times I back up and read what others are saying, but
it comes down to each of our own experinces with our indavidual wereness and
how we relate to it.
As always,
Timberwolf
The ear hears the call of the night,
and the spirit from with in responds,
aaarrrroooooo!
barbara turner/ moonwolf
(long!)" has never showed up on my WebTV. Can anyone enlighten me? I
hate to have missed it. moonwolf
Peon Kamatu Control
> iam also an animal lover (agirl) and i feel closer to animals than humans-luna
That's because you're ugly.
HTH, HAND.
--
___ http://www.nfilter.org (my head)-->/"\|// <-------(mop)
/ _ \___ ___ _ __ / __\___ _ __ | |_ _ __ ___ | || /\\/.----- This is a
/ /_)/ _ \/ _ \| '_ \ / / / _ \| '_ \| __| '__/ _ \| |\_`/\\ --. | picture of
/ ___/ __/ (_) | | | |/ /__| (_) | | | | |_| | | (_) | | /`--\/``| | me being
\/ \___|\___/|_| |_|\____/\___/|_| |_|\__|_| \___/|_| | |.'`/ |_| whopped
Bungmunch U Dean of Men Very Large Number of Cohorts | .'\o|_/ upside the
anty-spmam soldeirs #js75g29cch63f |/ _ _|_|~||~_ _ |~) \_.'\ \o head by a
Controlling Peons since 1999 |\(_) | |~||_|(_)|~\8 \.'VK \o mop.
Winged Wolf
kcblue...@aol.com (Kcblueyes3013) writes:
>who are you? iam new and came here to confess i like the taste of blood does
>that mean that i am most like the vampire bat? -luna
Not necessarily, but you might also find a home on alt.culture.vampires <g>
--Winged Wolf
PSI-bernetics--we provide quality psionics/radionics devices at fair
prices--compare!
http://psibernetics.cjb.net
Home Page (Contains links to all sites I manage--moved!):
http://members.dencity.com/Winged_Wolf/index.html
Black Wolf Mori Lupus
It was sweet of you to take the time to write such a lengthy message for
our benefit.
I don't know about the others, but I feel better having read it.
Anya
KatmanDu
I'm also using it for my "rant" of the moment on my web pages.
http://members.home.net/katmandu1/porch/porch.html
Eric Elliott
That was refreshing.
--------------------------------------------
Eric "Coyote" Elliott rey...@netcom.com
--------------------------------------------
Ambush
taste of blood does not mean they're a vampyre. there is a lot ore to it
than that. it is like saying, "You like animals so you are a were". I
have some vampyric traits yet this does not mean I am a vampyre. Maybe
it is a vampire bat phenotype, maybe it is vampyrism, maybe it is a
blood fetish.
Ambush
Timberwolf
check it out some more.
As always,
Timberwolf
The ear hears the call of the night,
and the spirit from with in responds,
aaarrrroooooo!
KatmanDu wrote in message ...
barbara turner/ moonwolf
contribution to the serious talk on this NG! Congrats, KatManDu!
Moonwolf
Winged Wolf
Mast...@webtv.net (Ambush) writes:
They'd simply do well to wander over to ACV and check it out. It's not as if
ACV gives blood fetishests the boot, being a vampire is not a requirement to
post there. If it were, I wouldn't be there either.
BleuLynx
>taste of blood does not mean they're a vampyre. there is a lot ore to it
>than that. it is like saying, "You like animals so you are a were". I
>have some vampyric traits yet this does not mean I am a vampyre. Maybe
>it is a vampire bat phenotype, maybe it is vampyrism, maybe it is a
>blood fetish.
>Ambush
And I'd think that it could make sense as to why a were might like blood. If
their phenotype is a carnivore (which most people's phenotypes seem to be),
then the person might like the taste of blood because that's what their
wereside is telling them to eat.
Might not be true in Luna's case, but I think it makes sense.