Them's the Rules (1-50)
The Vampire Muffin Man
The Alt.fan Rules of Objectionability and Misconduct
As penned by Saint Chucky, the Former
Apostate.
My take on the rules...
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 1 - Always wear a hat to a
party.
Do vampire kittens and teenage cheerleaders named Brittany count as hats?
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 2 - Don't tell unconvincing
lies to others, and any kind of lies to yourself.
I never lie to the women I so easily seduce.
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 3 - Coke is it. Coca Cola is
it.
Suck Pepsi dregs…
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 4 - If someone betters you
beyond the shadow of a doubt, be graceful about it, and funny if possible.
Penis. Breasts. Wookie.
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 5 - If you feel you might
mention "Eddings" in your post, be sure to preface the post with the words,
"Skippy, get out of the water!" or an applicable variation. If you feel you
might mention weddings, marriage or other such ceremonies of commitment in your
post, it is also suggested you preface the post with the words, "Wskippy, get
out of the water!" or an applicable variation - but this is not so rigidly
enforced. An equally unenforced ruling is that, if you should feel the need to
mention Star Trek in your postings, you should preface it with, "Skippy, get
out of the Vorta!" Feel free to adhere to this rule if the urge to be clever
takes you.
Skippy, get out of his daughter?
Wskippy, take off that garter?
Skippy get out of Tin Man…
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 6 - If you must start a war
with the Other Group, make sure you have plans for a graceful withdrawal mapped
out beforehand - or, failing that, a great deal of resolve, and a great deal of
free time.
They all kill-filed me and bitched at those who didn't and replied to me.
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 7 - The more you post, the
more likely you are to post quality.
Ever seen Cruel Intentions II?
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 8 - If you find yourself in
a hole and digging yourself deeper, the first thing to do is put down the
shovel.
You're the shittiest shovel ever!
That was oddly liberating. Now I can continue…
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 9 - Everybody wants to be a
part of alt.fan. Especially if they say they don't.
nObCartman: I hate you guys.
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 10 - When the "Yo momma"
slurs come out, it's time to go home.
Go home to YO MOMMA?
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 11 - Never start a thread
you don't think will reach 100 posts at least.
Nobody loves me enough to carry my thread that far…except my wife and maybe
Brittany. That's not a thread she's carrying though, as you can plainly see.
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 12 - Never call a thread,
"Please Read."
If you don't read this you're missing out, so please read on…
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 13 - Sarcasm is the greatest
thing ever invented to end in 'asm'.
That's what's so funny… I switched -'asm's while your back was turned!
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 14 - If you are female,
being asked to send a smutty photograph of yourself to the newsgroup is one of
the highest honours you can receive. Actually sending one in is the most
appropriate and polite response.
Oh, yeah… They're likely to listen.
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 15 - Don't try to settle an
argument unless you are certain of success.
If her name starts with 'S' I suck…
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 16 - Robert Jordan never
said so.
My friend said that he was at a book signing and said that He said that He
never said any of the shit that rec.arse said that He said.
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 17 - If you don't get in the
Quotes List, you're nothin'.
Quote this! cunt.
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 18 - Having posted to a
group longer than your opponent does not make you right, even about matters of
in-group politics. Newcomers are good for the population.
Julie Newcomer… She was a cutie. Baby-factory that she turned out to be…
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 19 - Americans come and go,
but it's best when they go.
Don't go away mad…just go away?
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 20 - Asking stupid questions
is like a driftnet for arrogant cunts.
What's driftnet?
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 21 - Never trust anyone with
a better hat than you.
Should I wear the vampire-kitten?
Should I wear the blonde, teenage-cheerleader, Brittany?
What goes better with these shoes?
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 22 - A funny person is
always right.
I smell something fishy…
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 23 - Everybody on the
Internet wants to read your one-on-one conversations about a topic only you and
your conversational-partner find interesting. If it degenerates into cyber-sex,
they want to read all about it, and see pictures as well.
You have pictures of cyber sex? You sick fuck…
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 24 - Binaries are good. The
only thing better than a binary attachment is two binary attachments.
Bi-binary attachments? I know *I'm* turned on…
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 25 - Your signature is the
one thing that can assure people of your intelligence, wit, sophistication and
gentility, even after you've posted a limerick containing the phrase, "tit
grit." Don't waste that opportunity.
nOb me: "My best friend is bisexual. She's in love with my wife. The
Shaggin' Wagon awaits!"
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 26 - If you don't understand
a joke, never consider that it might be you at fault.
It's not.
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 27 - Every now and then,
have a good, long look at yourself. And try not to laugh.
I don't laugh… And it is long, isn't it?
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 28 - Somebody who insists
that signature s be kept to four lines in length is obviously suffering from
some sort of complex.
.sig envy…
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 29 - Newcomers are good for
the population.
See #18
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 30 - Netiquette is a way for
somebody who is wrong to win, without having to counter any of their opponent's
points. In short, a quitter's passport.
"Your passport looks to be in order, but we are going to have to perform a body
cavity search." And no…I don't go there.
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 31 - Weed out the people who
think they're clever, and crush them - they often are.
Weed is good for the too clever.
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 32 - If you don't care about
a discussion, agree with the majority - that's how majorities form, and it's
good for business.
I don't care what's good for business. I just like the short skirt worn by
that cheerleader over there. I believe I have a majority opinion, here?
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 33 - If you must go against
the grain, do it with style or you will not survive.
I'm a vampire. I'm already dead.
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 34 - Agreeing with the
minority and taking the side of the underdog is cute, but in the end it's all
about whether you can win.
To me, it's whether you get the hotties in the end.
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 35 - Perception is nine
tenths of Reality.
It's raining?
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 36 - Utter Bollocks is one
tenth of Reality.
Exactly…
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 37 - When somebody calls you
a troll, look back with a clear eye and with a steady voice say, "I know you
are, cock-sucker, but what am I?"
I'm a clit sucker, what did you just say you are?
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 38 - Apologising to the
group and offering an explanation for your incessant baiting and egging-on of a
certain person is as good as an insult. Especially if in your apology you refer
to this person as, "That twit."
The group can bite me if they don't like me… The twits!
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 39 - Tell people where
they're going wrong. One day, they may return the favour.
Keep those 'u's to ewerselves ewe…ewe…non-American wanker!
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 40 - If somebody says
something that you don't understand and looks kinda stupid, wait for a while -
it might be a quote from somewhere, and mocking it will make you look dumb.
Mocks are from Thundarr the Barbarian, right?
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 41 - Only demand an apology
when you are sure to get one.
I already know you are sorry.
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 42 - Obscure jokes make you
seem clever only if you can explain them afterwards.
I know exactly what you mean.
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 43 - There is only so much
benefit of the doubt you can give one person. After that you must assume - out
loud - that they are idiots.
I've always doubted your benefit, you idiot.
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 44 - He who chalks first,
wins.
Are we talking billiards, or life in general?
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 45 - Never apologise. Or,
when you do, add, "cunt" afterwards.
I said I was sorry… Cunt.
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 46 - The Calorie Award
changes hands a lot, but it only has one Owner.
And incredible as it may seem, Contro has enough LOL to cover all of her.
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 47 - Only a registered
member of the Church of Modern Misconceptions can give away the 10-47 Award.
Oops…
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 48 - The Wearer of the
Zaz-Hat must be forever vigilant, ready to give the Hat away to he or she who
is funnier - it is the decision of the Wearer as to who is deserving, but the
Wearer is expected, traditionally, to be generous, honest, and humble.
…and who has that Zaz-Hat, anyway?
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 49 - Zaz-points are like
blowjobs - any idiot can give you one, but the true talent is in the delivery.
I wouldn't know anything about that. I've only ever *received* blow-jobs.
>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 50 - Never give away more
than 200 Zaz-points unless at least three other people have declared
Zaz-point-deservey for the same person's remark.
nObPhilHartman: That's ZAZZY!
--
The Vampire, "Muffin Man"
http://hometown.aol.com/grrroowwll/index.html
Major work done and stuff added...go check it out, damn you!
TheKro
>Here it is...Enjoy.
>The Alt.fan Rules of Objectionability and Misconduct
> As penned by Saint Chucky, the Former
>Apostate.
> My take on the rules...
>>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 13 - Sarcasm is the greatest
>thing ever invented to end in 'asm'.
>That's what's so funny… I switched -'asm's while your back was turned!
*cough, cough* Orgasm. Beats sarcasm hands down. But with the hands up,
my pen/typing fingers would probably go for sarcasm as well.
>>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 22 - A funny person is
>always right.
>I smell something fishy…
Prolly the Brittany-hat.
>Weed is good for the too clever.
So is stoning.
And when I first started reading your post, I even considered for a
nanosecond that your post may not involve your sex life.
*sigh*
--
TheKro
"Believe it or not, I've always wanted a good painting." - Contro, afrj
The Vampire Muffin Man
>Date: 3/26/01 10:36 AM Eastern Standard Time
>>>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 13 - Sarcasm is the gr=
>eatest
>>thing ever invented to end in 'asm'.
>
>>That's what's so funny=E2=80=A6 I switched -'asm's while your back was t=
>urned!
>
>*cough, cough* Orgasm. Beats sarcasm hands down. But with the hands up,
>my pen/typing fingers would probably go for sarcasm as well.
Irony isn't what you do with the iron and the starch to get your shorts the way
yo momma used to do them.
>>>Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 22 - A funny person is
>>always right.
>
>>I smell something fishy=E2=80=A6
>
>Prolly the Brittany-hat.
Hey, that's my g/f your talking about there!
>>Weed is good for the too clever.
>
>So is stoning.
There's a difference?
>And when I first started reading your post, I even considered for a
>nanosecond that your post may not involve your sex life.
>
>*sigh*
And exactly how could my post have nothing to do with my sex life?
Contro
---
You want me, well fucking well come and find me
I'll be waiting with a gun and a pack of sandwiches
The Vampire Muffin Man
>Date: 3/26/01 4:28 PM Eastern Standard Time
>Thanks for trying, Vamps, but even this did not get through before.
That's why I didn't think it went through. And that's how I found the solution
to the problem...
Contro
>
>That's why I didn't think it went through. And that's how I found the
>solution
>to the problem...
>
oh right, I see!
Uncle Traveling Matt
>>>thing ever invented to end in 'asm'.
>>
>>
>>*cough, cough* Orgasm.
Should this rule be amened to prevent further occurances of this problem?
perhaps:
Alt.fan Rule of Objectionability and Misconduct # 13 - Sarcasm is the greatest
thing ever invented to end in 'asm'.... Yes I'm sure.... No, not even that.
Sheesh. Americans.
--
Eddie is back.
*****************
WARNING: Any quoted text in a reply message from this address is likely to have
spontaneously changed. The sender cannot be held responsible for ensuing
misunderstandings or salacious comments.
The Vampire Muffin Man
>Date: 3/26/01 5:53 PM Eastern Standard Time
>>>>That's what's so funny I switched -'asm's while your back was turned!
>>>
>>>*cough, cough* Orgasm.
His case just may lead to the demise of the cough lozenge industry...
TheKro
>>Date: 3/26/01 10:36 AM Eastern Standard Time
>>>Weed is good for the too clever.
>>
>>So is stoning.
>There's a difference?
Um - one kills faster than the other?
>>And when I first started reading your post, I even considered for a
>>nanosecond that your post may not involve your sex life.
>>
>>*sigh*
>And exactly how could my post have nothing to do with my sex life?
Hence the nanosecond.