LNH: The Forboding Porlogue of Doom...

[U16...@uicvm.uic.edu]

Hiatus finished washing his hands after picking up the bloody copies of
Youngblood #1, straining his muscles as he lifted the enormously dense
books. He leaned against the wall of the bathroom, gasping, exhausted,
dying for breath.

He looked up at his mistress, who walked in wearing a long, sleek black
nightgown, with a cleavage plunging so low, even the non-Comics Code
Authority books could not show it. He took a deep breath, gasping for
air.

"This comic shop was a clever idea, my love," his mistress said, drawing one
lacy black glove slowly across his cheek, an act taking so long, his
sore muscles restitched back together and he lost ten pounds from not eating,
mesmerized by the long, sensual caress.

"Uh, Revamp Lass..." Hiatus began, but she put her lacy finger to his lips,
silencing him.

"I knew the one thing that would destroy Lost Cause Boy would be an issue of
Youngblood Number 1. Hah! Friend's don't let friends read Youngblood, but
they also should beware not even to lift up a copy," she said, turning her hips
showing that her black skirt was slit up the side, exposing a soft, rounded
white thigh that completely blanked Hiatus' mind. "And now, thanks to our
efforts, we not only have the Man of Steel in our power, but the Last
Bastion of Comic-Book Hope. Yes. Two of the Last Boyscouts, all mine to
play with as I please."

"But mistress, he's dead. Buried. Wrapped in plastic. How are we going to
even touch him? I've heard that the Net.patrol keeps a vigilant watch on
his grave. We can't even touch his body to revive him," Hiatus began. "We've
failed. Now we can't make money hyping his comeback..."

"You fool? Don't you realize that you're already in a comic short story
hyping his return?" Revamp Lass hissed, backhanding Hiatus so hard, his
face left an imprint on the brick wall. "Besides, a true master of the
revamp, or a true mistress, has the power to bring back a character even
if he is incincerated, or guarded by all the demons of hell."

"But Revamp Lass!" Hiatus began....

Revamp Lass casually lifted the issue of Youngblood stained with the
brains of the lost net.hero. "On the pages of this comic book are the remains
of Lost Cause Boy's brain. There are enough cells here to completely clone
him, and after having soaked for weeks in the inks and Baxter-paper of
an issue of Youngblood, those cells will be twisted and warped to our
smallest whims."

Hiatus looked at the gore soaked comic book in its plastic wrapper. "Wow...
but there isn't even enough brain left for a proto-stimpy."

Revamp Lass backhanded Hiatus again. "You eeeedeeeeot!! We'll grow a whole
new brain and body from the genetic material in his brain cells."

Hiatus shrugged. "And we regrow the clone in..."

Revamp Lass looked at Hiatus. Hiatus looked back at her. Their stares
lingered blankly between them.

"You know, if we're ever going to finish this before 100 lines, you'd better
say something," Hiatus said.

"We grow the clone in the Machinething's PlotDevicicon (tm)," Revamp Lass
said. "The very nature of DeFacto's Machinething will further mutate
and revamp LCB into a truly hideous shambling echo of a man."

"Like Swamp Thing?" Hiatus asked.

After Hiatus returned from the Emergency Room, he noticed Revamp Lass'
note, saying she'd taken the brain cells to DeFacto's MachineThing to
grow the clone. He sat back, feeling his hold over the heroes in his
thrall slipping, loosening...

************************************************************************

"Oh no Dawn, the rules here are STRIP POKER! Now hand me the panties
and we see if you're a real blonde..."

"Well, alright. But I don't see the logic when you can see through
clothes anyways," Dove II told Superman as she handed over the blue lace
panties. Lost Cause Boy shook his head in disgust.

"How the mighty have fallen," he said.

"Listen, you try staying a boy scout after fifty years of being watched
every single week, and then completely disappear from the public eye!" Supes
answered. "Oh Lord, I've become a sexist, hot-tempered pig. I need my
audience. I need all the little Supermaniacs out there, eating their
vitamins, saying their prayers..."

Causie slapped Superman hard (which wasn't as hard as he needed to in comics
limbo). After handing him back the lost teeth, Causie patted the Man of
Steel on the back. "I know how you feel. But please, don't turn into
Hulk Hogan on me..."

"Causie! You're fading!" Dove said, reaching out for him, her hand
passing through his body as it faded away.

"Oh shit. They're restarting my storyline already! No! No! Help! I
don't wanna live! I don't wanna see Panta.... Hey! Shithead! Hurry up
and bring me back! HURRY UP!!!!!"

Dove watched as Causie faded out of existence, then turned to Superman.
"One thing I don't get. Am I really just in comics limbo?"

"Well, no. But Janet has to get through that line of blonde/blue-eyed
superheroes out behind the Avengers Mansion," Superman said.

"Janet? You mean the Wasp?"

"Yep. Arthur, who flashed on through here after his series went on
hiatus said that the line went from Queens to Springfield."

"Massechussets?"

"Illinois."

"And she doesn't know these guys aren't all Henry Pym?"

"Oh, she knows. And unless the Human Torch goes nuts like last time,
she doesn't mind."

Dove shook her head. "Uh, what are you doing with that hair dye and those
contacts?"

"Hell, if Don Hall and Barry Allen can join that conga line, I might as well
get a shot too," Superman said. "As long as Lois still thinks I'm dead..."

***************************************************************************

The clone chamber cracked open, steam pouring out from the rapid aging process,
or an overactive special effects specialist's imagination. The figure stood,
part gleaming chrome, part glistening muscle, a totally new creature
stepped out into the darkened heart of the shattered MachineThing...

"I am here to do you bidding..." the clone said...

*****************************************************************************

OH NO! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO OUR BRAVE AND VALIANT HERO OF CAUSES LOST? WILL
HE BECOME A CYBERNETIC, GUN TOTING VIGILANTE WITH AN ATTITUDE (TM)? WILL
HE BE THE ANTITHESIS OF ALL THAT HE USED TO BE? WILL CHRIS KROLCZYK'S SENSE
OF HUMOR BE BROAD ENOUGH EVEN FOR THE LEGION OF NET.HEROES? WILL DOVE
PSYCHICALLY CHANNEL TO LOIS LANE THAT SUPES IS ALIVE IN COMICS LIMBO, AND
DOING IT WITH A MARVEL SLUT? WILL CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE EVER TAKE ANOTHER
DOSE OF THORAZINE AGAIN? FIND THIS OUT, AND ALL THE MUCH MUCH MORE WHEN
THE LEGION OF NET.HEROES ASHAMEDLY PRESENTS, IN TRUE LNH RIP-OFF
FASHION- THE NET.PATROL IN,

"CRAWLING UP FROM THE HACKAGE!!!!!!!!!"