Just a little more Wumping
Jim Cheetham
at the end of a post, is that it's not easy to respond if your subject has
just run away. But on the other hand, if you just stay where you are, you
always seem to forget where you were next time.
"Anyway, HI GOMBO! You've just reminded me - I've got two of Nicki's
Callahan's books, and I think I was supposed to be lending them to
you, wasn't I ?
"And for anyone that cares to visit, I'm getting a few people down to the
Goose & Firkin on July 3rd. More friends of mine who haven't met each other
yet. Anyone want to join in ? If you don't know where it is, it's in
London, two tube stops south of Waterloo, at the Elephant and Castle. Anytime
from 8pm onwards is virtually bound to find me !
"And seeing as Brad Templeton either suffers from a bigger back-log than I
expected, or perhaps simply didn't like it, here's a guide to the Goose
that I wrote a while back, in my college persona of Jim Hacker P.M. ... ;o)
---
The Wumpus winks at you from your screen, defying explanation.
("No, I *won't* tell you how I did it!") j...@oasis.icl.co.uk
(Sig here, 'cos it's a little longer than the usual post ...)
Re: Bruce's Brewery
Goose & Firkin
Fm: Jim Hacker P.M.
Welcome to the private and confidential diary of Jim Hacker P.M. , a feature
that will be appearing in Sleaze from time to time.
You may have noticed a strange thing about the average writer on Sleaze these
days - they mostly live in Tolworth (the cultural armpit of the Universe), and
seem to know each other indecently (in some cases) well. Well, it's time we
put a stop to this surrogate-nepotic state of affairs! Unfortunately, in the
mean time, I'm writing ...
There are still a few people out there who don't know who I am (ME??? The
legendary Jim Hacker P.M. ? Disgusting ! [... No, I'm not disgusting {all the
time!}, it's disgusting that people don't know me ...]) [All you programmers
out there ... like the nested procedural brackets ? :-) ], so this column is
designed to ... well ... subvert the decent honest god-fearing upbringing you
had, and to prepare you for life in the real world ... by that I mean life in
a London Pub ! (Astute ones amongst you will have noticed that life outside of
pubs [unless you're pissed] is really not worth mentioning !).
And which London pub could I be referring to ? None other but the one and only
Goose & Firkin
And how exactly do you get to this pit of Bohemian depravity, I hear you ask ?
And what will I expect when I get there ? Read on, and all will be made clear.
Jim Hacker P.M.'s Guide to Life
-------------------------------
Lesson 1
--------
The Goose & Firkin - How to get there
-------------------------------------
Bruce's Brewery, Goose & Firkin, 47-48 Borough Road, London SE1 01-403-3590
Let's start with the easy stuff first ... it's in London. (That's why I called
it a London Pub, remember?). You can tell this by the giveaway way the address
has the word "London" in it. (Who said sarcasm is dead?) The next thing to do
is to figure out where about in London it is (London is, after all, a
reasonably large place...) but luckily, the Post Office use little things
called POSTCODES (do you use yours?) ... SE1 is south (of the river) ... and
when you look up Borough Road (a dead give-away, that one!) the only one
that's near the river is in Southwark ... and in case tha name still doesn't
ring a bell, try the Elephant and Castle ...
Anyway, enough of that, you might know where it is now, but how do you get
there ? Luckily for the average traveller, London has had a complicated series
of tunnels made all over the place, called the Underground (because it's under
the ground ... oh, you already understood that one, did you?), and there is a
station called ... wait for it ... no, not the Goose, but ... the Elephant and
Castle ! Right on BOTH the Northern line (so called because one bit goes
directly south, and the rest does diagonally ...) and the Bakerloo line (still
haven't figured that one out ... answers on a postcode only).
So out you pop from the E&C station, onto quite a large road junction (well,
not actually on it, but on a pavementy bit around the edges ... it gets too
messy otherwise). All you have to do now is to walk for a couple of minutes to
the pub ... but which way, I hear you cry ! Simply pretend that you are a one
legged communist on parade ... and turn left then left ... and you'll be there
almost immediately ! Of course, if you walk like the onelegged communist on
parade, they probably won't let you in ...
Jim Hacker P.M.'s Guide to Life
-------------------------------
Lesson 2
--------
The Goose & Firkin - What to do when you get there
--------------------------------------------------
The first thing is to ascertain whether or not you are on your own, or
alternatively are expecting to meet anyone there. If you are on your own, and
are not expecting to meet anyone, give up and go home. No-one wants to drink
in the same pub as a miserable bastard.
If you arrive with someone, as soon as you get in, look for a table. When you
see a free place, say to your companion, "I'll just go and grab that table
before anyone else gets it ... get us a pint of (whatever)". This way, they
have to buy the drinks. If there are no tables, go STRAIGHT TO THE BAR. You
then stand with your back against the bar, and wait for your friend to join
you. Then you must COMPLETELY IGNORE the bar staff, even if they offer to
serve you. Your friend will, 97% of the time, now be facing the bar (assuming
that he is going to be looking at/talking to you) and will feel obliged to
attract the attention of the staff ... thus having to buy the drinks ...
However, if you are expecting more people to arrive, YOU MUST BUY THE DRINKS
IMMEDIATELY! This way, when the other four (whatever) arrive, you can lean
back, look smug, and say "Well, I've already bought a round ... so it must be
one of you next ...".
Jim Hacker P.M.'s Guide to Life
-------------------------------
Lesson 3
--------
The Goose & Firkin - What to drink when you get there
-----------------------------------------------------
You have gone into a Firkin pub, so your choice of drink is simple. Please
bear in mind that the Firkin pubs are the first ones in many years who brew
their own unique beers on premises. For example, in the Goose you will find a
reasonable selection of beers (and even, heaven forbid, LAGERS!), like a good
draught Guinnessssss or two, and then you'll see a range of taps with
(usually) hand-drawn labels ... these are the real things. You are allowed to
drink them without any shame (unlike those who drink LAGERS).
Having narrowed the choice down from beers you can buy in other pubs to beers
that you can only buy in the Goose, it is still possible to be spoilt for
choice. Make your basic selection - bitter or ale ? It is actually pretty
difficult to tell the difference between the two when you look at the taps -
however if you spit the drink out in disgust because of the amount of water in
it, it's a bitter ... if your mouth shrivels up because of the amount of salt
in it, it's an ale. Another dead giveaway is that the bitters are murky brown,
but you can see through them. The ales look like crude oil.
If you're going to insist on bitter when there's an ale around, I won't help
you. The bitters are normally named either after the pub (Goose in our
example) or the area (Borough). The ales, however, are better named. In the
Goose, you'll see two important ones ... if you are unsure of which to choose,
go by the all-important measure of alcohol, the "Oh God!" rating (o.g.). The
higher the o.g., the less likely you are to get home. When in doubt, go for
the all-famous DogBolter (Oh God 1060 ish ... I forget). If you see the other
ale, it will usually be DogBolter that went wrong in the vats ... so it'll be
Oh God 1075 ... don't drink more than 4 pints of this stuff, ever.
So, quick run-down on what to drink : DogBolter, if you're brave, the other
ale, if you have a weak stomach, Goose or Borough, otherwise you might as well
have water. Oh, sorry, lager is available as well for lost Australians.
Jim Hacker P.M.'s Guide to Life
-------------------------------
Lesson 4
--------
The Goose & Firkin - What to do while you're drinking.
------------------------------------------------------
This bit is really easy. Sit down at a table. Place the pint glass in front of
you. Grasp the glass in the right hand (normally - if you don't have a right
hand, use the wrong one instead). Slowly, without spilling anything, lift the
glass to your mouth. Open the mouth enough to accept liquid from the glass.
Tip liquid from the glass into your mouth. Swallow. Repeat until glass is
empty. Figure out how to get someone else to pay for the next round.
(Important note - a round of drinks in the Goose and Firkin is much more
expensive than the same size round in Penrhyn Road bar).
After you have repeated the above actions a few times, you will notice a
strange feeling coming over you. Either you have caught a sight of some girly
wearing particularly tight clothes (notable ones being Heather the barmaid,
the one with the stretched black shiny PVC leggings, that tall blonde with the
big tits and tight sweater, etc.), or else you have become what is known in
the trade as "pissed".
It is exceptionally easy to become "pissed" in the Goose and Firkin - at least
three times easier than in Penrhyn Road, but it'll cost five times as much.
When you find yourself "pissed", there is only one way to remedy it. Have
another drink. In fact, the symptoms will be much more bearable if you buy
everyone a drink.
If you feel embarrassed about being pissed, don't be. The chances are that
everyone else in the pub will be as well. There is a simple way to test this
theory, as was proved the night before I wrote this guide ... grab as many
beermats as are currently available, and start to throw them all around the
pub. Pretty soon a full scale riot will start. When the Goose and Firkin
customers go into riot mode, anything can happen. A table of fully grown
estate agents (OK, so they're never fully grown) were seen to encourage one
member (I use the term advisedly) to stretch a condom completely over his
head, and to inflate it from the inside until it burst. Eventually, however,
the bar staff will become narked about having things thrown at them, and will
retaliate. Please remember that they have unlimited stocks of beer-mats back
there, and are usually bloody good shots.
Jim Hacker P.M.'s Guide to Life
-------------------------------
Lesson 5
--------
The Goose & Firkin - What to do when you decide to leave.
---------------------------------------------------------
First of all, check what the time really is with at least three independent
witnesses. The clock behind the bar at the Goose is one of those bastard
backwards ones, which makes it virtually impossible to figure out what time it
is by that method. Of couse, wrist-watches are too small to be read,
especially if you are "pissed" (see lesson 4).
If it has got so late that you really have to go (remember to allow at least
three days travelling time, bearing in mind that you will probably be
extremely, very very "pissed") then all you have to do is leave by the same
route that you came in, only in reverse. Don't forget that you are also
allowed to walk facing in the direction of motion. People who try otherwise
will fall over, not because of any inherent difficulty in walking backwards,
but because if they even try it in the first place, they will be pissed and
would fall over even if they were allowed to walk forwards.
Also, please remember to relieve yourself in the provided public lavatories
inside the pub. People who insist on pissing against the trees in Borough Road
run the risk of being responsible for major road accidents as ogling female
drivers catch sight of you (I speak from personal experience).
Jim Hacker P.M.'s Guide to Life
-------------------------------
Lesson 6
--------
The Goose & Firkin - Getting home.
----------------------------------
By far the best thing to do is to go to someone elses house. Preferably
someone you were down the pub with. This means that not only are you more
likely to actually get back (two pissheads are better than one), but when you
get there your host will feel obligated to make you a much-needed cup of
coffee. If he doesn't, hint a lot. You will really need that coffee, and if
you went alone to your own place you'd just collapse and go to sleep.
The other advantage to being in someone else's house is that if (heaven
forbid) you get the desire to vomit, you won't have to clear it up yourself !
Of course, if you actually want to keep your friends, keep them happy by
vomming in next-door's garden ... or better still, at the train station, where
tomorrow morning's hungover commuters will feel much better (sic) after seeing
it ...
Important note - if by happy chance you find yourself the only male in a house
of randy and sexy girlies, do not succumb to the obvious temptation. Failure
caused by DogBolter is a very common complaint, and it will probably do your
street cred no end of hassle it the story leaks out ...
Jim Hacker P.M.'s Guide to Life
-------------------------------
Lesson 7
--------
The Goose & Firkin - Getting up in the morning.
-----------------------------------------------
There are two main tried, tested and approved methods of getting up. The first
is the most obvious - don't. Staying in bed until next week is a very good
idea, and also conserves money. However, don't be found asleep in bed when you
are meant to be in the Goose.
The other method is only for those who are a) masochists, b) trying to get to
somewhere very important by 9 o'clock or c) mad. Get the alarm clock to go off
at 6.30. Listen to Capital Radio, then get out of bed at 7.00 and have a
shower (hot or cold, it doesn't matter). Have a large fried breakfast. Then
collapse back into bed and don't get out until next week.
Jim Hacker P.M.'s Guide to Life
-------------------------------
Lesson 8
--------
The Goose & Firkin - Street Credibility.
----------------------------------------
There is a very easy way to become horribly respected by the less worldly-wise
of your associates, but it unfortunately it requires a lot of money. Simply
put, buy all the "Firkin merchandise". T-shirts (one for each Firkin pub, a
DogBolter one, and about 5 special occasion ones), Sweat-shirts (see
T-shirts), Mugs, Ties, Badges, Stickers, Home-brew kits (dangerous), BUPA
membership (Liver damage only).
However, you could just learn the slogan associated with every pub ... and be
able to say (truthfullly) that you have visited ALL of them on the same day,
by public transport ...
Or, and this is especially suitable if you are a Viz reader (as you should
be), you can buy the EXCLUSIVE Fart & Firkin T-shirt. Please note, however,
that the only person in the world (guarnteed) to have one of these is very
big and wants to stay being the only bloke in the world ...
Jim Hacker P.M.'s Guide to Life
-------------------------------
Appendix
--------
Bruce's Brewery - Firkin pubs.
------------------------------
Phantom and Firkin
I specter firkin ghoul pint when I ghost to the Phantom and Firkin
Flounder and Firkin
I've flounder great plaice for a Firkin pint
Falcon and Firkin
Falcon well buy me a Firkin pint
Fuzzock and Firkin
Donkey me waiting for a Firkin pint eeyore I might get fuzzock ale
Phoenix and Firkin
Phoenix my pint I'll firkin thump him
Pheasant and Firkin
I'm a firkin pheasant plucker
Fox and Firkin
For fox sake buy me a Firkin pint
Frog and Firkin
Frog Od's sake buy me a Firkin pint
Ferret and Firkin in the baloon up the creek
Bruce's Beer - You'll preferret to any other
Goose and Firkin
Bruce's beer always goose down well
Flamingo and Firkin
Flamingo buy me a Firkin pint
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(c) Jim Hacker P.M. 1989