[Sith War IX] Boy Band B*stards
Rainbow Heron
Ok I wrote most of this after first reading Dan'l's post. I'll deal
with TJH's later.
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>Skuzz released Ewanpuff just as Alice walked into the room. The Pokemon
>scurried to its mistress. Alice said, "Listen, 'Awkins - I mean Hawkins,
>sorry, it's catching - You've got to do something about Skuzz. Eventually
>he's going to get one of my Pikachus mad and he'll REALLY be in dainger.
>I mean danger."
>
>"Let him." Hawkins was past caring. "I just can't figure out how to stop
>it. We can't reprogram him any more, he's already got no room left on his
>drives, so to speak. And this boy band thing - I just can't seem to focus
>any more. I've devoted my life to a lie."
>
>"Well, I have an idea," said Alice.
>
>"Go ask Alice," Hawkins joked weakly.
>
>"Ha, no what I mean is we can still keep this from happening. The movie
>isn't out yet."
>
>"How do we stop it?"
>
>"We have to kidnap the band. The ransom will be their removal from the
>movie."
>
>"How do we kidnap them?"
>
>"We have to do everything but to catch N*Sync."
>
>"What?" Hawkins blinked. "Everything but what?"
>
>"Everything but the kitchen sink! - uh..." It was Alice's turn to blink.
>"No wait, that wasn't what I said. I was TRYING to say we have to do
>everything we can to catch the Backstreet Boys."
>
>"Why would we want to catch them? They're not in the movie."
>
>"Well, uh, they're cute!" said Alice.
>
>"I don't believe this," said Hawkins.
>
>"Bewdy!" said Skuzz.
Hawkins ignored Skuzz for the moment, "I *really* don't believe this,
explain yourself!"
Alice was getting visibly upset about something, "Well I'm afraid I
can't explain myself, sir, cuz i'm *not* myself y'know." She was
getting angrier and angrier.
Hawkins was caring even less now, "No I DON'T know dammit!"
"Well, it's quite simple really. You don't want N*Sync in AOTC and *I*
don't want any more of those boy bands eating up our share of the
market."
Hawkins still didn't care but he hadn't the faintest idea of what
Alice was talking about. He unburied his face from his hands just long
enough to turn to face her and give her a strange look.
Alice rolled her eyes as she *really* didn't wanna dredge it up with
one of the Jigglypuffs in the room. "You see, before we came here, my
Jigglypuffs were...*are* a very popular singing group on our home
planet. Boy bands just didn't exist back home up until a year or so
ago and since we've been gone, well..."
Ewanpuff was getting visibly upset at the mention of boy bands and
started to pretend to fight something over by the wall. The
Jigglypuffs H-A-T-E-D boy bands! Just the idea gets them more violent
than a Scyther who's just seen a landscape full of red.
"I thought those pink things put you to sleep," Hawkins cautiously
asked.
"We figured out a way to control it. And since we did, they've become
extremely popular back home and boy bands are their biggest threat.
Especially since boy bands have absolutely NO talent other than to
just live off of the homronal adrenaline of their-"
"Well some of us LIKE to live off of our hormones and adrenaline!!!"
Hawkins didn't wanna have to give up his porn collection for ANYthing,
especially if this girl were to still hang around.
"I wasn't talking about *you*, Hawkins. My home planet will be
SERIOUSLY corrupted if the boy bands are allowed to continue their
talentless and worthless ways! Pokemon are the livelihood for 99% of
the population so my Jigglypuffs are a planet-wide treasure. If the
boy bands take over, the culture will die, people will no longer want
to train Pokemon, and thus billions of untrained Pokemon will roam
freely and destroy us all!!!!"
Her voice was beginning to rise in pitch and fervor to like that of
those movie generals or something whom you'd expect to save the
universe just by exploding with ardor.
"Even now those boy blands have toured back home and with the news of
N*Sync infiltrating the next Star Wars movie- why it's like they're
trying to take over the universe!!!! I can't have that! We can't live
with that! WE'RE MAD AS HELL AND WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!"
Hawkins was amazed to see her so upset about something like this. "I
thought you said they were cute."
"Yeah 'cute' if you like threats."
Hawkins still didn't see how boy bands could be much of a threat to a
bunch of Pokemon, but Alice brandished a very obscene postcard
addressed to her and the Jigglypuff Singers (who knew the mail service
delivered way out here?) and she gave it to Hawkins to read.
He went red and then white as the read the threatening, arrogant,
self-absorbed, adolescent, rude, violent, infuriating, and
downright...stupid? postcard. Sure enough, it was a "declaration of
war" against the Jigglypuff Singers and was signed by all the members
of just about every single boy band in existence. Any teeny bopper
would instantly plunder and kill for it and goodness knows it could
fetch well over $15 million if Alice auctioned it off on ebay for
charity.
The reason it wouldn't have fetched $16 million was probably due to
the fact that most of it was written in crayon.
"Well that's nice and...violent. but why should I care if your
homeworld is about to into turn teenybopper trash?"
"Because if we *don't* take out the boy bands now, not only will they
infiltrate our beloved Star Wars-" Hawkins was listening now "-think
of what else they'll take over: the education system, the government,
the farms, the factories, the wine industry, textiles, the news, the
paper, the radio -Anthrax will never be played again Hawkins- the
movie industry, the porno industry-"
Hawkins actually liked the idea of boy bands being in porn flicks, but
Alice leaned in to make her point.
"-they'll take away all of your lesbo porn queens and convert them
into their groupie slaves."
At first Hawkins didn't want to belive it, but she turned the postcard
around to the front (the picture part) and sure enough, there were the
Backstreet Boys in a hot tub with about 25 of the top lesbo porn
queens.
Hawkins suddently jumped to his feet, shook his fists at the air and
screamed:
"WHAT?!?!?! NO!!!!! I REFUSE TO LET THEM TAKE AWAY MY PORN! THEY CAN'T
HAVE MY STAR WARS AND THEY CAN'T HAVE MY LESBIANS! DEATH TO BOY BANDS,
THOSE BASTARDS!!!!!!!!"
Alice smiled and shook her head- the things it takes to motivate some
people. "So what do you think of my idea?"
"I liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike it. I liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike it!"
Something just out the corner of Alice's eye suddenly got her
attention.
"So, just *how* do you suggest we capture N*Stink, The Bracksteet Boys
and all the others?"
"Tell ya in a minute- Skuzz the Pokemon Hunter is about try and grab
PeterPika by the tail!!!!!!"
She ran out of the room to break the two apart before Skuzz made a
near-fatal error.
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SUMMARY:
-boy bands threaten to destroy both Star Wars and Alice's home planet
-all known boy bands sent Alice and the Jigglypuff Singers an obscene
(the bad kind) postcard in which they threatened to take over Alice's
home planet's music scene and thus destroy the whole Pokemon culture
and put them on the street forever and worse
-Hawkins agrees to the plan as boy bands threaten to do away with
lesbian porn
-Skuzz comes really damn close to becoming a Pikachu's #1 enemy
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-Rainbow Heron
(sig is glad the Sith Wars are back)
I'll deal with TJH later. Where the heck *IS* Hawkins anyway?
(btw, say "hello" to my Sithwarsig:)
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Who needs kids when you've got Pokémon?!