So I got this ad...
Hetta
inches in 22 days".
I'm _very_ sure I can't increase the size of my penis at all. Should I sue these
guys for false promises?
Anyway, for 3" more you need to hang a weight on it, and then we're back to the
old joke "... the color's alright, but you still haven't gotten the size right."
Hetta (On a related note, UF is cool today. Go get'em, says I.)
--
Henriette Kress Helsinki, Finland
Best of Rhod: http://www.ibiblio.org/herbmed/rhod/main.html
Henriette's herbal homepage: http://www.ibiblio.org/herbmed
Laurent
>
> ... in my spamcop catchall thingy. The subject line says "Increase your penis 3
> inches in 22 days".
>
> I'm _very_ sure I can't increase the size of my penis at all. Should I sue these
> guys for false promises?
>
> Anyway, for 3" more you need to hang a weight on it, and then we're back to the
> old joke "... the color's alright, but you still haven't gotten the size right."
>
> Hetta (On a related note, UF is cool today. Go get'em, says I.)
Increase the volume of your breast for 3 gallons in 17 days!
Scientifically proved! Many satisfied customers!
Hetta
> Increase the volume of your breast for 3 gallons in 17 days!
> Scientifically proved! Many satisfied customers!
Silicon implants are so 1999...
Hetta
Teh (tî'pô)
nipples of rec.humor.oracle.d by saying:
>... in my spamcop catchall thingy. The subject line says "Increase your penis 3
>inches in 22 days".
>
>I'm _very_ sure I can't increase the size of my penis at all.
It depends in what you mean by "your" penis.
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle, better hung than a person of colour in a Pat Buchanan
> election rally.
>
> I've recently received several emails from some very considerate hotmail
> users with rather unfortunate names, two were from
> nmqao7mqpfcprash6fbeuvub9t, one from wkdtqrc6rtvrwqb2c4nnl6 and one from
> bcaxutpawhxq (parents can be so inconsiderate!).
> All these emails urged me to ``Add REAL Inches To Your Penis!
> GUARANTEED''.
>
> Which begs the question, why the emphasis on `real' inches? I mean
> surely rational inches are sufficient, even if one wanted to add pi
> inches to one's penis, wouldn't 22/7" be close enough to satisfy
> one's whimsy?!?
>
> P.S. I've also received some emails that offer a sure way for me to
> enlarge my breasts (I must admit I find the thought rather appealing)
> but my fiancée assured me that no matter what I think they're
> technically *her* breasts and I would probably find it more comfortable
> to spend the next couple of nights on the couch (I empirically proved
> her to be mistaken on that account but, unfortunately, she failed to be
> convinced that this reflected on the validity of her other assertions).
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You are a very literally minded supplicant. I think that it is fairly
} apparent that the names, "nmqao7mqpfcprash6fbeuvub9t" and
} "wkdtqrc6rtvrwqb2c4nnl6" are not actually the names of real e-mail
} authors, but they are pseudonyms of the authors not unlike "Rose Selazny"
} for Marcel Duchamp or "Jerry Springer" for former president Bill Clinton
} or "#QQoayAC" for the slack jawed yokel who recently sent me e-mail, but
} I digress from your actual query.
}
} 22/7 could certainly satisfy one's whimsy, however, it will do little to
} satisfy ones fiancee. Now, she asserts that your breasts actually belong
} to her simply because they are hanging on the front of her chest. That's
} like saying that your penis belongs to you simply because it is in all
} the childhood photoes that your mother shows at dinner parties. You and
} your fiancee are young supplicant, and neither of you have become aware
} of the horrible truth that will plague you through later life. Simply
} stated that in a few years your wife (nee fiancee) will be demanding far
} more sex from you than you are going to be really inclined or able to
} provide. It is a cosmic joke of the creator that as man's sex drive
} begins to wane, woman's sex drive becomes an unholy beast that cannot be
} tamed by any ammount of attention from you. It will look lasciviously at
} the bus boy at your favorite restaurant and demand that you perform the
} tricks that it had in mind. It is a monster which will fill every
} non-working moment in your home which is why you must now find a good bar
} to hang out in like Norm in Cheers. However, the change has not yet come
} for you. At this moment the paradigm of youth still controls your
} actions, and you are fixated on the young ladie's supple, milky-white,
} smooth, pouting . . . sorry I got lost there for a minute . . . which at
} this time you believe you would like to see larger. If you assert a
} proprietary interest in your fiancee's breasts then you wil be exchanging
} your penis forever. This is my advice: Let it go! Your control, for only
} a few more months (you've only got months left) will lead to a lifetime
} of leverage against the constant sexual demands from your love. If you go
} for breast enlargements now, you will live the rest of your life
} constantly drained of your natural essence. You will be one of those guys
} on the train who will never be able to keep from falling asleep on the
} way to work, and you will return home on the train with a glassy stare
} and pallid look of fear. The choice is yours now; make the right one
} supplicant.
}
} L: Orrie baby, when are you coming to bed?
}
} O: I've got just a little more work to do. You go to sleep.
}
} L: No hon, I'm wide awake and thinking of you. Ever since I got these
} breast enlargements you're all that I can think of.
}
} O: yes dear; I'll be right there.
}
}
} You Owe the Oracle a Night Off
Sid
<spamtra...@saunalahti.fi> wrote:
>... in my spamcop catchall thingy. The subject line says "Increase your penis 3
>inches in 22 days".
>
>I'm _very_ sure I can't increase the size of my penis at all. Should I sue these
>guys for false promises?
>
>Anyway, for 3" more you need to hang a weight on it, and then we're back to the
>old joke "... the color's alright, but you still haven't gotten the size right."
>
>Hetta (On a related note, UF is cool today. Go get'em, says I.)
Can I complain about my spam? I only get what I like to call the
"measurement spam". It's either about gaining inches or losing inches.
Sid, what if I just want to keep the inches I have?
Ian Davis
Sid <s...@nospam.net> wrote:
> Can I complain about my spam? I only get what I like to call the
> "measurement spam". It's either about gaining inches or losing inches.
>
> Sid, what if I just want to keep the inches I have?
You misspelled "itches."
Ian.
Lord Insidious, World Dominator
> Can I complain about my spam? I only get what I like to call the
> "measurement spam". It's either about gaining inches or losing inches.
>
> Sid, what if I just want to keep the inches I have?
Mine says "Feel 20 years younger!" which in my case would mean playing
with blocks and taking a nap every afternoon.
So, how 'bout it, Sid, you want to be called "cute" when you masturbate
and be allowed to shit whenever the spirit, er, moves you?
--
Charles A. Lieberman | <http://www.emode.com>
Brooklyn, New York, USA | Breed of dog: Golden Retriever
http://calieber.tripod.com/ | 44% high maintenance 44% myself
cali...@bigfoot.com | Superpower: Invisibility
dave...@spamcop.net
> In article <ettmuu0tb745pfkaa...@4ax.com>,
> Sid <s...@nospam.net> wrote:
>> Sid, what if I just want to keep the inches I have?
> Mine says "Feel 20 years younger!" which in my case would mean playing
> with blocks and taking a nap every afternoon.
...you say that like it's, a bad thing?
Dave "sounds like an ideal day to me" Hinz
Daniel E. Macks
>
> ... in my spamcop catchall thingy. The subject line says "Increase
> your penis 3 inches in 22 days".
>
> I'm _very_ sure I can't increase the size of my penis at all.
Why not? Maybe you'd be happy to suddenly have a 3" penis.
Hey, RF seems happy enough.
> Should I sue these guys for false promises?
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies promise falsies
--
Daniel Macks
dma...@sas.upenn.edu
dma...@netspace.org
http://www.netspace.org/~dmacks
Richard Fitzpatrick
>Hetta <spamtra...@saunalahti.fi> said:
>>
>> I'm _very_ sure I can't increase the size of my penis at all.
>
>Why not? Maybe you'd be happy to suddenly have a 3" penis.
>
>Hey, RF seems happy enough.
At the risk of appearing over-sensitive, that would seem very harsh - if I
knew what the hell you were on about.
Sid
<cali...@bigfoot.com> wrote:
>In article <ettmuu0tb745pfkaa...@4ax.com>,
> Sid <s...@nospam.net> wrote:
>
>> Can I complain about my spam? I only get what I like to call the
>> "measurement spam". It's either about gaining inches or losing inches.
>>
>> Sid, what if I just want to keep the inches I have?
>
>Mine says "Feel 20 years younger!" which in my case would mean playing
>with blocks and taking a nap every afternoon.
>
>So, how 'bout it, Sid, you want to be called "cute" when you masturbate
>and be allowed to shit whenever the spirit, er, moves you?
You mean like now^H^H^H^H.. I mean yeah sure.
Sid
Ian Davis
"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzm...@SPAM.webone.com.au> wrote:
> >
> >Why not? Maybe you'd be happy to suddenly have a 3" penis.
> >
> >Hey, RF seems happy enough.
>
> At the risk of appearing over-sensitive, that would seem very harsh - if I
> knew what the hell you were on about.
Without any personal knowledge of your...condition..., I wonder if
this might explain your wife's propensity to look at the offered
member and say, "No thanks, I don't smoke."
Ian.
Lord Insidious, World Dominator
dave...@spamcop.net wrote:
> Someone who looks an awful lot like Lord Insidious, World Dominator
> <cali...@bigfoot.com> wrote:
> > Mine says "Feel 20 years younger!" which in my case would mean playing
> > with blocks and taking a nap every afternoon.
>
> ...you say that like it's a bad thing?
>
> Dave "sounds like an ideal day to me" Hinz
I'd kinda like to take a nap right now, but I strongly suspect I can't.
Oh, well, that's why there's free coffee.
About 18 months ago, I decided to try to avoid caffeine. A bit later I
decided to modify that to no caffeine after 10 AM. Some weeks ago that
kinda went by the wayside too.
Screwtape
>About 18 months ago, I decided to try to avoid caffeine. A bit later I
>decided to modify that to no caffeine after 10 AM. Some weeks ago that
>kinda went by the wayside too.
http://www.bigego.com/lyrics/stress.html
--
___________ ____________________________
| Screwtape | Reply-To: munged on Usenet |________ ______ ____ __ _ _ _
|
| "My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis."
|
Tom Harrington
s...@ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
> m_init(): spawning followupTo('Lord Insidious, World Dominator')...done.
> >About 18 months ago, I decided to try to avoid caffeine. A bit later I
> >decided to modify that to no caffeine after 10 AM. Some weeks ago that
> >kinda went by the wayside too.
>
> http://www.bigego.com/lyrics/stress.html
Thfbbt! Only a pansy would associate coffee with stress. Real coffee
drinkers can hold their caffiene.
--
Tom "Tom" Harrington
Macaroni, Automated System Maintenance for Mac OS X.
Version 1.2: New scheduling options for PowerBooks and iBooks!
See http://www.atomicbird.com/
Richard Fitzpatrick
> "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzm...@SPAM.webone.com.au> wrote:
>> >
>> >Why not? Maybe you'd be happy to suddenly have a 3" penis.
>> >
>> >Hey, RF seems happy enough.
>>
>> At the risk of appearing over-sensitive, that would seem very
>> harsh - if I knew what the hell you were on about.
>
>Without any personal knowledge of your...condition..., I wonder
>if this might explain your wife's propensity to look at the
>offered member and say, "No thanks, I don't smoke."
Well, she only exhibits that propensity when you visit, y'know. ;-)
At least it's better "Get outta here! You're not bringing that... that...
that *thing* anywhere near me!"
Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti thinks that ports and
docks should always match.
Ian Davis
"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzm...@SPAM.webone.com.au> wrote:
> Ian Davis wrote ...
> > "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzm...@SPAM.webone.com.au> wrote:
> >> >
> >> >Why not? Maybe you'd be happy to suddenly have a 3" penis.
> >> >
> >> >Hey, RF seems happy enough.
> >>
> >> At the risk of appearing over-sensitive, that would seem very
> >> harsh - if I knew what the hell you were on about.
> >
> >Without any personal knowledge of your...condition..., I wonder
> >if this might explain your wife's propensity to look at the
> >offered member and say, "No thanks, I don't smoke."
>
> Well, she only exhibits that propensity when you visit, y'know. ;-)
>
> At least it's better "Get outta here! You're not bringing that... that...
> that *thing* anywhere near me!"
No, once again she is having trouble distinguishing you from your cat.
That's why, when the cat brings in a dead generic-animal, she says,
"Come here Tiddles!"
Ian.
Richard Fitzpatrick
> "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzm...@SPAM.webone.com.au> wrote:
>> Ian Davis wrote ...
>> > "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzm...@SPAM.webone.com.au> wrote:
>> >> >
>> >> >Why not? Maybe you'd be happy to suddenly have a 3" penis.
>> >> >
>> >> >Hey, RF seems happy enough.
>> >>
>> >> At the risk of appearing over-sensitive, that would seem
>> >> very harsh - if I knew what the hell you were on about.
>> >
>> >Without any personal knowledge of your...condition..., I wonder
>> >if this might explain your wife's propensity to look at the
>> >offered member and say, "No thanks, I don't smoke."
>>
>> Well, she only exhibits that propensity when you visit, y'know. ;-)
>>
>> At least it's better "Get outta here! You're not bringing that...
>> that... that *thing* anywhere near me!"
>
>No, once again she is having trouble distinguishing you from your
>cat. That's why, when the cat brings in a dead generic-animal, she
>says, "Come here Tiddles!"
And I do. Right where she commands me to.
Suddenly, much of the last fifteen years and four weeks makes complete
sense.
Ian Davis
"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzm...@SPAM.webone.com.au> wrote:
> >No, once again she is having trouble distinguishing you from your
> >cat. That's why, when the cat brings in a dead generic-animal, she
> >says, "Come here Tiddles!"
>
> And I do. Right where she commands me to.
>
> Suddenly, much of the last fifteen years and four weeks makes complete
> sense.
The other eight years and 3 months of your marriage must have been
very trying.
Ian.
Richard Fitzpatrick
> Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>>
>> Suddenly, much of the last fifteen years and four weeks makes
>> complete sense.
>
>The other eight years and 3 months of your marriage must have
>been very trying.
Hey, stop it with the pearls of wisdom! I still want mystery in my life.
I bet you stand outside the new Harry Potter movie telling kids "The Snake
dies", right?
Screwtape
"Titanic: The ship sinks."
--
___________ ____________________________
| Screwtape | Reply-To: munged on Usenet |________ ______ ____ __ _ _ _
|
| "The doctor walked in, sminking of gin... he was really sminking." -- McCartney
|
Sid
> m_init(): spawning followupTo('Richard Fitzpatrick')...done.
> >Ian Davis wrote ...
> >> Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> >>>
> >>> Suddenly, much of the last fifteen years and four weeks makes
> >>> complete sense.
> >>
> >>The other eight years and 3 months of your marriage must have
> >>been very trying.
> >
> >Hey, stop it with the pearls of wisdom! I still want mystery in my life.
> >
> >I bet you stand outside the new Harry Potter movie telling kids "The Snake
> >dies", right?
>
> "Titanic: The ship sinks."
"Lord of the Rings: Frodo gives Sauron the ring and they get married."
Sid, what do you mean "That's not the story"?
--
"Darn it, Jim! I'm an astronomer, not a doctor."
sid [at] froup [dot] com [no uk]
http://www.nerte.net
Tom Harrington
"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzm...@SPAM.webone.com.au> wrote:
Oh, yeah, like there's a kid going to see it who doesn't know the story.
Ian Davis
"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzm...@SPAM.webone.com.au> wrote:
> I bet you stand outside the new Harry Potter movie telling kids "The Snake
> dies", right?
The snake dies? Oh, great, thanks a lot!
Jeffrey Kaplan
result:
; In article <3df5...@iridium.webone.com.au>,
There's a snake? Oh, great. Thanks a lot!
--
Jeffrey Kaplan <*> www.gordol.org
The from userid is killfiled <*> Send personal mail to gordol
"Why are you doing this?" "Did it make you laugh?" "Uh... yes." "Then
my job here is done." (Cmdr. Ivanova and Marcus Cole, B5 "Messages
From Earth")
Donald Welsh
wrote:
>"Gvgnavp: Gur fuvc fvaxf."
Dammit! ROT13 your spoilers!
-- D. "I missed the scene where they rearrange the deck chairs." W.
Donald Welsh
wrote:
>Ian Davis cast electrons into the ether, and the following was the
>result:
>
>; In article <3df5...@iridium.webone.com.au>,
>; "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzm...@SPAM.webone.com.au> wrote:
>;
>; > I bet you stand outside the new Harry Potter movie telling kids "The Snake
>; > dies", right?
>;
>; The snake dies? Oh, great, thanks a lot!
>
>There's a snake? Oh, great. Thanks a lot!
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
Daniel E. Macks
>>; "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzm...@SPAM.webone.com.au> wrote:
>>; >
>>; > I bet you stand outside the new Harry Potter movie telling kids
>>; > "The Snake dies", right?
>>;
>>; The snake dies? Oh, great, thanks a lot!
>>
>>There's a snake? Oh, great. Thanks a lot!
>
> I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
Yeah...no reason to make an asp of yourself.
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are off to play with their corba
Richard Fitzpatrick
>Cry havoc! And let slip the Sid of text:
>>s...@ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) writes:
>>> m_init(): spawning followupTo('Richard Fitzpatrick')...done.
>>> >
>>> >"The Snake dies", right?
>>>
>>> "Titanic: The ship sinks."
At the risk of being insufficiently frivolous, that's not a key plot
element - it's the storyline, something you know going in. In HP&TCOS (if
you haven't read the book), the basilisk thing is a surprise. Which I have,
indeed, just spoiled - mea culpa.
>>"Lord of the Rings: Frodo gives Sauron the ring and they get married."
>>
>>Sid, what do you mean "That's not the story"?
>
>That's not a bad idea, actually. All this time Frodo's been scared
>witless whenever he comes across the all-seeing eye, and all he had
>to do was kneel and propose. Some soft music, a little candle-light,
>and he could have forgotten all about the volcano.
I *like* it. I *really* like it.
>>Sid, what do you mean "That's not the story"?
>
>Oh, I'm sure there's some slash fiction out there with that very
>premise.
Ooooooo... I know a successful slasher - of The X-files and The Bill mainly,
but I'm sure she'll adapt...
Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti still struggles with the
concept of Mitch Pileggi as a sex-object.
Richard Fitzpatrick
>On Tue, 10 Dec 2002 19:43:23 -0500, Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
>>Ian Davis cast electrons into the ether, and the following was
>>the result:
>>; >
>>; > I bet you stand outside the new Harry Potter movie telling kids
>>; > "The Snake dies", right?
>>;
>>; The snake dies? Oh, great, thanks a lot!
>>
>>There's a snake? Oh, great. Thanks a lot!
>
>I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
Well, yeah - they have stuff-all hit points and most of your enemies are
poison-resistant anyway.
What?
Richard Fitzpatrick
> "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzm...@SPAM.webone.com.au> wrote:
>> Ian Davis wrote ...
>> > Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>> >>
>> >> Suddenly, much of the last fifteen years and four weeks makes
>> >> complete sense.
>> >
>> >The other eight years and 3 months of your marriage must have
>> >been very trying.
>>
>> Hey, stop it with the pearls of wisdom! I still want mystery in
>> my life.
>>
>> I bet you stand outside the new Harry Potter movie telling kids "The
>> Snake dies", right?
>
>Oh, yeah, like there's a kid going to see it who doesn't know the story.
True, I shouldn't have said "kids". I was really aiming for Ian.
Oh, wait...
Ian Davis
dwe...@nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
> I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
I turned into a parking space today.
Ian.
Daniel E. Macks
I was walking down the street, then suddenly I turned into a door that
was ajar.
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are both flammable and
inflammable
Jeffrey Kaplan
the result:
; Ian Davis <n...@all.certain> said:
; > In article <3df624c0.11857557@localhost>,
; > dwe...@nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
; >
; >> I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
; >
; > I turned into a parking space today.
;
; I was walking down the street, then suddenly I turned into a door that
; was ajar.
Last night, I turned in.
--
Jeffrey Kaplan <*> www.gordol.org
The from userid is killfiled <*> Send personal mail to gordol
"He's moving into the breach, he's disappeared inside the ship. Some -
something's, something's happening. We've lost Bio-Scan,
something's.... oh my god... it's moving, it's MOVING!!!"
(InterPlanetary Expeditions, B5 "Messages From Earth")
Mike Fleming
Macks" <dma...@mail.sas.upenn.edu> writes:
> Ian Davis <n...@all.certain> said:
> > In article <3df624c0.11857557@localhost>,
> > dwe...@nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
> >
> >> I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
> >
> > I turned into a parking space today.
>
> I was walking down the street, then suddenly I turned into a door that
> was ajar.
I saw Tommy Cooper turn into a bar. Then he went "ouch". It was an
iron bar.
Hmmm. Needs a bit of polishing, I think.
--
Mike Fleming Coitum non dono
Quantum ille canis est in fenestra? - molesworth
Jeffrey Kaplan
result:
; In article <slrnavg9km...@mail1.sas.upenn.edu>, "Daniel E.
; Macks" <dma...@mail.sas.upenn.edu> writes:
;
; > Ian Davis <n...@all.certain> said:
; > > In article <3df624c0.11857557@localhost>,
; > > dwe...@nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
; > >
; > >> I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
; > >
; > > I turned into a parking space today.
; >
; > I was walking down the street, then suddenly I turned into a door that
; > was ajar.
;
; I saw Tommy Cooper turn into a bar. Then he went "ouch". It was an
; iron bar.
Two guys walked into a bar. Why didn't the second one duck?
--
Jeffrey Kaplan <*> www.gordol.org
The from userid is killfiled <*> Send personal mail to gordol
"How you feeling?" "Like I just made love to a meteor shower." (Cmdr.
Sinclair and Mr. Garibaldi, B5 "Survivors")
Donald Welsh
You could have turned into a barber shop. That's a close shave.
Daniel E. Macks
>> >
>> > Mine says "Feel 20 years younger!" which in my case would mean
>> > playing with blocks and taking a nap every afternoon.
>>
>> ...you say that like it's a bad thing?
>>
>> Dave "sounds like an ideal day to me" Hinz
>
> I'd kinda like to take a nap right now, but I strongly suspect I
> can't. Oh, well, that's why there's free coffee.
>
> About 18 months ago, I decided to try to avoid caffeine. A bit later
> I decided to modify that to no caffeine after 10 AM. Some weeks ago
> that kinda went by the wayside too.
Reminds me of a Dilbert that used to be on my wall <from memory>
Dilbert telling Dogbert how he gave up caffeine, and now he feels a
little groggy, but "you have to expect that on a Monday", to which
Dogbert responds "it's Thursday".
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies need a new drug