"Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" 2000
James Kibo Parry
who has figured out why "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" is stupid.
But I haven't been able to segue into it because nobody posted any followups
to my "Mazes & Monsters" article which were as BRAINY as my original, so
I'm just going to start from scratch and say it here and yet you bask in
the reflected glory of this post which is not a followup to any of you people.
Okay, here's my revelation.
Ready?
The movie's premise is that if you play a game where you pretend to be other
people, because you're not good at pretending to be other people you'll base
your game character's exploits on your real life, and this will blur the
distinction between reality and fantasy, and you'll think you're playing
Dungeons & Dragons in real life and go permanently insane and kill Lenny or
Squiggy and then jump off the World Trade Center after strolling onto the roof
through the locked door which you opened with one of your imaginary spells.
Now, the problem is...
Tom Hanks spent the entire shooting schedule of the movie PRETENDING TO
BE A GUY WHO'S INSANE!!!
This means that if the "Dungeons & Dragons causes permanent total insanity
because it involves pretending" theory is true, then Tom Hanks is now
permanently insane, and indeed, all other actors are suffering permanent
brain damage as we speak! James Earl Jones thinks he's Darth Vader!
David Prowse also thinks he's Darth Vader! William Daniels thinks he's
KITT! The guy who plays Barney thinks he wuvs you! Lucille Ball thinks
she's an idiot! Joe Piscopo thinks he's a movie star!
Ha! I have destroyed Rona Jaffe's whole movie. I demand the Academy
strike the movie's Best Picture Oscar from the records.
ALSO, NOW I DESERVE THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR DUNGEONS & DRAGONS!
-- K.
I want to know why characters in D&D
can't skip Experience Level 13
the way my building's elevator does.
(And I'm glad it does, because the
Secret Floor holds an evil ventrilo-
quist dummy that shoots tranquilizer
darts from its eye socket.)
Marcus Evenstar
James "Kibo" Parry wrote in message ...
> I want to know why characters
in D&D
> can't skip Experience Level 13
> the way my building's elevator
does.
If you updated to AD&D, you could do this with the "Superstitious
Design" Alignment.
> (And I'm glad it does, because
the
> Secret Floor holds an evil
ventrilo-
> quist dummy that shoots
tranquilizer
> darts from its eye socket.)
This is Secret Floor 17. Secret Floor 13 has the Interdimensional Travel
Agency.
HTH!
Marcus "Floor 23, Secrets Man Was Meant To Know, everybody out!"
Evenstar
The Avocado Avenger
>I would just like to point out that I am the only person on the Internet
>who has figured out why "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" is stupid.
>But I haven't been able to segue into it because nobody posted any followups
>to my "Mazes & Monsters" article which were as BRAINY as my original, so
>I'm just going to start from scratch and say it here and yet you bask in
>the reflected glory of this post which is not a followup to any of you people.
You know what, I spent a long time coming up with the people we could
use for our own production of "Mazes and Monsters" which I actually SAW
when I was a kid and which probably explains why I hate Tom Hanks so much.
Anyway.
I've already made the mini-set out of a shoebox and construction paper
and I also hired Gene Roddenberry to direct the ARK production of "M&M".
What am I supposed to do now, huh? Tell him we can't do it?
I'm not going to break his heart. YOU do it. I just can't.
Stacia * The Avocado Avenger * Life is a tale told by an idiot;
http://www.io.com/~stacia/ * Full of sound and fury,
Remove the guacamole to reply! * Signifying nothing.