Trad Eye for the Bolt Clipper
Jason Liebgott
What follows is my pitch to some high level television executives from the
cable channel 'Bravo.' Talks for the making of this new show are now
underway.
SUMMARY: Five weathered old trad climbers (quirkily know as the valley 5's)
descend upon an unsuspecting sport climber who is desperate need of a
climbing make over.
INTRO: Short interviews with the Sporto's friends.
"Johnny won't leave the house without his stick-clip, even if we're just
going shopping." - Partner
"I've never seen him climb without spandex on, old spandex... leopard
skin." - Girlfriend
"He calls 8 quick-draws his rack." - Concerned friend
THE VALLEY 5's DESCEND:
CHUCK: THE CRACK MASTER
"John, we're not calling you Johnny any more. Today we're going to be
getting your hands in shape for crack climbing. First, put your fists in
this bucket of ice water. Good. Now we'll just wait a few minutes before we
get out the belt sander." Chuck cackels an evil roar and lifts the sander
over his head.
LONESTAR: GEAR
Cutting the quick draws in half with a belay knife, "We won't be needing
these anymore. First, grab a handful of these hand-tied runners. Yeah, grab
some teal green ones and a few of the reds. Next, take about 20 of these
ovals - this rack of hexes and this." LONESTAR hands over a 12" big valley
dude cam. "ARE WE GOING BOATING? IS THIS AN ANCHOR?!"
JAVIER: CLOTHES
A pile of spandex and prana sits in the driveway. Javier picks up a can of
lighter fluid and sprays it all over the clothes. The flames take on green
hue and the smells drives them men back. "Today we are going shopping."
Next, John and Javier are seen behind a rack of blue jeans at the Salvation
Army. John opens the dressing room door and is wearing a pair of Levis,
some old Vasque hiking boots and a beaten wool sweater.
SIMON: CULTURE
"Okay John, we're gonna be talking about beer." John is holding an Old
English and sniffing it questioningly outside of a gas station. "But, I'm a
Bud Light drinker." Simon shakes his head and takes a long slug. "Anyways
then, we'll be sampling a few." Brown bags appear to be filled with Tooth
Sheaf Stout, Guinness and a few tall boys of Coors yellow bellies. "The
problem is that you never know what you may run into out there in the hills.
I once went into a Phillips 66 and all they had was Boone's Hill and
Bartel's & James. I had to do some quick thinking to get out of that one
alive."
SARGE: TRANSPORTATION
"Until you can get your hands on an old 70's model F-150 this'll have to
do." Sarge walks over to a yellow Nissan Exterra with a roll of duct tape
and a black marker. He pulls out 8 inches of tape and slaps it over the
Nissan ornament on the tail-gate that reads 'Extreme Sport' and writes
across the tape: 'TRAD'
OUTRO: The Valley 5's stand in John's front yard next to a smoldering pile
of clothes drinking from brown bags in different states of innebriation.
John is seen puking in the bushes and wandering back to the crowd. John
says, "So guys, when are we going climbing?"
"Climbing?!" The crowd roars with laughter. "We already are."
melissa
I thought it was Snail Eye for the Wall Climber?
Jason definately rules the inter.net. That was great.
Alex Chiang
> TRAD EYE FOR THE BOLT CLIPPER
/Alex