Attitudes of Gratitude
david ford
Relationship_ (Conari Press, 2002), 199 pages.
From the foreword by Daphne Rose Kingma:
Given that we can feel better-- happier, more optimistic, more connected,
and more joyful-- through these simple expressions of appreciation, it's
amazing how rarely we communicate our gratitude, and remarkable that in
fact we need to be reminded, instructed to do so.
Gratitude is a powerful instrument for change. That's because each time
you express it, your brain erases a little bit more of the patterns it
holds of feeling deprived-- of being unheard, unheld, un-felt-with, or
alone.
From the body of the book:
THE KEY TO LIVING OUR LOVE
....the more you look at what's right instead of what's wrong, the more
change actually occurs.
May your love grow exponentially as you practice, and may the ripples of
that love reach out to touch all those around you.
THE GIFTS OF RELATIONSHIP GRATITUDE
You'll Feel Closer and More Loving
That's what gratitude does. It wakes us up to the ordinary, allowing us
to see it for what it truly is, rather than just taking it for granted.
You're More Likely to Stay Together
It's Positively Contagious
When you focus on the good..., you'll be more loving, kind, sweet. That in
turn will create the conditions in which he or she is more likely to be
loving, kind, sweet.
You have a choice: Do you want to spread more joy in your life or
negativity? Happiness is contagious.
You'll Both Be Healthier
Conflicts Are Resolved More Easily
... create the maximum possibility that my request for change would be
heard through two practices of gratitude. First, to remember within
myself all that I do appreciate about my spouse,... second... to offer the
kind of genuine praise and appreciation that conveys that I fundamentally
accept him for who he is.
Resentment Melts Away
That's one of the most amazing things about gratitude, I've found: It is
virtually impossible to feel resentment at the same time.
The More You're Thankful, The More You Receive
...reality is "often profoundly created through our anticipatory images,
values, plans, intentions, beliefs and the like."
You'll Touch Love's Mystery and Majesty
Sages throughout time and of all religious persuasions tell us that in the
end life all boils down to one question: Have we lived fully and loved
well?
...the more I feel gratitude in my relationships, the more love I feel,
and the more loving I am... to all those who cross my path.
MYTHS THAT HOLD US BACK
I Need to Protect Myself
Relationships Are Hard
...Gratitude is a matter of putting our attention on what is right in our
lives, and the more we do it, the happier in love and life we will be.
We have been trained as a culture to focus on our problems.
Awareness is like a flashlight that illuminates whatever it is shown upon.
Shine it on what's wrong in your love life, and it will feel pretty bleak.
Shine it on what's right, and you'll be basking in the glow of love. It
really is that simple.
It's Dangerous to Be Too Happy
...I had a choice: to continue to "protect" myself and cheat myself out of
the maximum amount of joy I could have now, or feel the joy now and deal
with the pain when and if it arrives. I choose joy now.
It's Better to Be Right Than Close
What do I really want? To be proven right or to have a loving
relationship?
You Should Be Just like Me
If I Feel It, It's True
More and more, what I am coming to understand is that just because I feel
something doesn't make it so.
When, however, we loosen our grip on our interpretation of our feelings,
seeing them as our idiosyncratic response, we can better allow the river
of appreciation to flow...
Feelings Come before Behaviors
...I could begin to feel loving by acting loving, feel grateful by
choosing to focus on what I had to be thankful for. ....feelings can
actually be created by the way we think (attitudes) and behave (actions).
It Has To Be a Certain Way
It's hard to appreciate what is when we are holding certain expectations
of what should be...
An attitude of gratitude in love asks that we let go of our fixed notions
of how it all should be in order to experience the beauty of just how it
is.
LOVE'S ATTITUDES OF GRATITUDE
You Can Choose What to Pay Attention to
When we recognize that we have a choice where to put our attention and
that by choosing we can feel connected or disconnected, we realize in some
deep way that we really have the power to be happy or discontent in love.
Its Right to Notice What's Right
....we are living systems in the process of growing, and a natural way for
us to grow is to track success, not failure. ....the more we notice
what's right, the more we will go toward the light of that rightness...
Receptivity is Key
Receptivity is... the ability to open our hearts wide enough to take in
what is available to us. We each receive great gifts every day. But
without receptivity, we simply don't notice, we can't feel what we are
getting.
It's Not about Being a Doormat
Assume the Best
Conversely, when we assume the best, our eyes are open to all that we are
being given, and therefore we are able to receive it.
You're Not Perfect Either
When we remember that we are as much of a mixed bag as the person we love,
our hearts are filled with gratitude that we are loved, despite our
imperfection. And that in turn allows us to reach out once again with an
open heart.
The Other Person's Quirks Are Delightful
Because the more we can appreciate these quirks in one another, the more
ground of positive regard we create together.
Love Is Truly a Gift
When we remember what a tremendous gift we have been given in the
opportunity to love and be loved, we can't help but feel a swell of
appreciation for the possibility itself.
You Are a Great Gift Too
Awareness without Judgment Creates Change
What I have noticed, over and over again, is that the most powerful
vehicle for transformation is awareness without judgment.
So, without blame, shame, or guilt, take a moment to reflect on how much
time in a day you spend.... Tell yourself the truth and say, "Isn't that
interesting."
Love Is the Cauldron in Which Our Souls Are Tempered
If we fully embrace the truth of what we are doing in our relationships
with one another-- healing and growing our psyches and souls, which
entails pain as well as beauty-- then something miraculous happens.
It's All about Learning
When we see learning as a goal, it is much [more] easy to accept and
appreciate the more difficult lessons.
True learning happens outside the comfort zone-- when we are stretched
beyond our current definitions of ourselves and forced to try something
new.
We're Here to Bring More Love into the World
THE PRACTICE OF GRATITUDE IN LOVE
... "How do I start?" And more and more what I find myself saying is,
"Just begin."
Be Explicit
Practice Truly Seeing
Make a Gratitude Laundry List
The good news is that if I can keep a list of the negatives, I certainly
can also keep a positive one handy too. And so can you.
Do It on Your Own
The task is, for everything you wish were different, you remember
something that you would never want to be different.
Celebrate Your "Usness"
Give Thanks for What's Not Difficult between You
Sometimes we experience thankfulness only when we realize all the ways we
could be miserable and are not.
Give What You Most Want to Get
When it comes to gratitude, fundamentally you can't lose-- offer
appreciation and the other person tends to warm toward you, and therefore
is more likely to appreciate you in return.
For one week, the first thing in the morning when you wake up, give
yourself five specific appreciations.
Remember Your Manners
Keep track of your manners toward your spouse for three days. Just notice
whether you write or say "Please" and "Thank you" on a regular basis.
Share What Makes You Feel Appreciated
Just make a list of all the things that make you feel thanked.
When you share your lists with one another, do so in the spirit of
connection, not obligation.
Receive What's Being Given
...one of the skills in the practice of gratitude is becoming more and
more aware of precisely what we are receiving in all domains.
Do the 5 to 1
However, when you employ five appreciative comments _before_ the
negatives, receptivity is increased.
On a piece of paper, make three columns: Positive... Negative... and
Neutral (like "It's raining out"). For a week, track your comments... At
the end of the week, count up the ticks. What's your ratio?
Give Thanks for Being Loved with All Your Foibles
...make a list of your specific behaviors that are difficult for others.
In doing this, please use... awareness rather than judgment.
...make another list of behaviors entitled: All the Ways I Am Incredible.
Recall Your Love Story
Don't Forget the Bad Old Days
Notice Repair Attempts
Repair attempts include requests for forgiveness, but they also can
include a silent hand reaching out to touch yours, a joke, a smile, a "You
may have a point."
What do you do to signal that you are sorry or want to reconcile?
Appreciate Love's Obligations
That's why, when I find myself getting resentful about something I have to
do for my family, I remind myself that I am grateful that I have them to
do it for.
For a week, practice looking at the obligations love requires of you as
gifts rather than burdens.
Take a Daily Gratitude Vow
...using vows to support a change you want to make in your life....
Express Your Appreciation to Others
Genuine praise and appreciation is some of the best medicine the world....
Ask a Friend for Help
When Times Get Tough, Go to the Higher Level
If you are going through a dark night of your relationship right now, take
a few moments to journal about what soul lessons you been learning.
THE JOYFUL JOURNEY
Each and every relationship offers many opportunities for joy, if we but
seize the chances we are given on a regular basis to be thankful.
Practicing gratitude in love is just that-- a practice. Like all other
soul practices, we can get better and better at it, but there is no
discernible endpoint. All there is is the practice. We try and our
hearts fill with joy. We get hurt and shut down for a while. Then we
begin again. We set our feet on the path of gratefulness and continue the
journey.