alt dot bigfoot (strong and free) FAQ Part 1/2
Bulldog
Archive-name: bigfoot/part1
Posting-Frequency: every 7 days
Last-modified: 1996/1/17
Version: 1737.9
An html (Web) version is also available at http://www.io.com/~wilf/bigfoot/
In keeping with BIGFOOT policy #IP8675309, the newsgroup
ALT.BIGFOOT is required to post, at frequent intervals,
(currently, whenever we feel like it) a FAQ
(Frequently Asked Questions). The questions addressed
herein are listed at the top of the FAQ for easy reference.
Questions, comments, and suggested additions regarding this
FAQ (as per standard BIGFOOT policy) will be cheerfully
accepted by the ALT.BIGFOOT member, Wilf (aka Bulldog) and
should be addressed to, "wi...@io.com".
Alt Dot Bigfoot FAQ
*******************
First things first:
The Alt Dot Bigfoot Flag
========================
begin 644 flag.gif
<uuencoded_portion_removed>
+\,T[\BE*1P$ #M)
end
The Alt Dot Bigfoot National Anthem
===================================
(sung to the tune of the Canadian national anthem)
Alt-Dot-Bigfoot...
Our newsgroup strong and free...
We'll kick the ass...
Of everyone we see...
The other groups, are all just freaks...
Just take a look at ASH...
The losers who, post to that group...
Are nothing more than trash...
God keep our group...
Offensive as can be...
Alt-Dot-Bigfoot...
We stand on guard for thee...
ALT-DOT-BIGFOOT, WE STAND ON GUARD FOR THEE!!!!!
Frequently Asked Questions
==========================
Q1. What is the history and purpose of alt.bigfoot?
Q2. Who are the members of alt.bigfoot?
Q3. The members sound fascinating! Can I know more?
Q4. Does alt.bigfoot have a charter? Can I see it?
Q5. How do I join ?
Q6. What exactly is a moose poem?
Q7. What is the defense policy of alt.bigfoot?
Q8. What is the position of alt.bigfoot towards MOOSE?
Q9. Does alt.bigfoot have an anthem?
Q10. What is the dominant philosophical position in a.b ?
Q11. How do others in the net feel about alt.bigfoot?
Q12. Are there any other songs about alt.bigfoot?
Q13. What is the official unit of exchange for alt.bigfoot?
Q14. What is the financial situation of alt.bigfoot?
Q15. What are the 10 commandments of alt.bigfoot?
Q16. Has anyone on this newsgroup ever seen Bigfoot?
Q17. Who is Bigfoot's mother? Does he have health insurance?
Q18. Does Bigfoot have a son?
Q19. What about those stupid Pizza Hut ads?
Q20. What trends should I expect in '94?
Q21. Are Mooses well versed in the arts?
Q22. What else should I know about Mooses?
Q23. What happened in the war with alt.flame ?
Q24. How do others feel about doing battle with alt.bigfoot.
Q25. What exactly do Bigfooter's drink?
Q26. Any previews of upcoming events available?
Q27. What about alt.bigfoot's fine moose poetry?
Q28. When exactly was alt.bigfoot created?
Q29. What's this we hear about the Kids in the Hall?
Q30. Where is the great Farleymeister?
Q31. What is the official alt.Bigfoot disclaimer?
Q32. Any other wise words wrt whiners ?
Q33. What about work ?
Q34. What is the Bigfoot Shuffle^(tm) ??
Q35. What's the the deal with Norway^(tm) ??
Q35. What's the the deal with rec.pets.cats ??
Q35. Were Nostradamus and Bigfootdamus pals?
Q1. What is the history and purpose of alt.bigfoot?
Bigfoot learned to disguise himself as a weiner-dog in the late 1970's,
and then as a wild chicken. Then bigfoot was run over and discovered the
road-kill disguise. And, using this disguise, he travelled undetected
throughout North America during the 1980's. Then he started to use the
weiner-dog and wild chicken disguises again because his previous disguise
was starting to smell bad - plus the road-kill disguise had a cable-tv
outlet and bigfoot was tired of trying to find a place to "plug-in". Then
bigfoot "undisguised" himself and went to California, and elsewhere. One
of bigfoot's forefathers - named Bigfootdamus - used to stare into a bowl
of Kokanee beer and see the future. He wrote the manuscripts of bigfoot,
prophesying the creation of the alt.bigfoot newsgroup and it's unltimate
catastrophic demise at the hands of alt.suicide. holiday. Bigfootdamus
predicted 13 signs that would lead to "the end" but provided magic
bigfoot power to help prevent this tragic armageddon, in which all the
evils of the newsgroups would flow into the souls of the alt.bigfoot
members. The signs were provided in written form to the Supreme Commander
in an attempt to allow him, and his followers, to form a compound in Waco
and break the chain of signs leading to "the end". But Waco was already
in use, and the only logical location to counter the ASH attack was from
the alt.bigfoot newsgroup itself. An entire camp of bigfoots awaited the
outcome of the initial chain of signs and provided dirty bigfoot
underwear to Luke. It was planned, by the bigfoots, to promote discontent
and a lack of unity in alt.bigfoot so that the various members would gain
strength. This strength would ultimately be used in the anti-ASH
campaign. The evil ones in ASH attempted to cut the ability of bigfooters
to communicate using "bad magic". With each new suicide, they too gain
strength. The 9th sign has now passed and, after the 11th sign, magic
will be introduced by the Supreme Commander and Merlin. Mr Alex is
currently hunting for giant-breasted zeppelins to assist the guerilla
attacks against all other newsgroups - he *may* be back. Besides,
nobody's going to starve when there's Roast Beef around, hey Wild Bill?
UPDATE
The evil surge of ASH was repelled by alt.bigfoot. The world was saved
from certain doom and destruction. No applause, just throw money.
Q2. Who are the members of alt.bigfoot
Honorable Members (with official titles)
Supreme Commander
Supreme Commander of all net-land
Mr. Bigfoot
Bigfoot (CEO)
R.O.S.B.F (Roast Beef)
Alt dot Bigfoot Virus manufacturing and deployment.
Luke
Driving Teacher
Merlin
Alt dot Bigfoot Wizard.
Wild Bill
Crowd Control Officer
Antebi (CyberPorchMonkey)
(Cyber) Porch Monkey
Dewme
Moose Trivia Expert
Mr.Alex
Used Giant Breasted Zeppelin Salesman.
Mr.Dave
Alt dot bigfoot's Text Formatter
St. Bob
Pontif of Alt dot Bigfoot
Farleymeister
Perimeter control officer
Hooten III
Chicken expert
Flat 4
Frosh advisory committee
Paal D. Ekran (The Last Viking)
For moose poemetry. Paal is skating on thin ice as a former
flamer *and* as a Norwegian. But the norwegians have a good
record when it comes to moose conduct. We'll be watching him
closely.
Rev. Dr. Freak
For offering moose gifs/jpegs (we can be bought)
Wilf (aka bulldog)
Alt dot Bigfoot Resident Guard Dog.
Nigh Honourable Members
'Winder
For fearlessly defending a.b while the honourable members
were at the pub.
Willy Whats-his-name:
He has a foul mouth, but he *can* moose poem
Tim Seeney
For advancing the art of moose poemetry
Alex Black
For also advancing the art of moose poemetry
V-x
For hating our Evil Enemies
Bungaloo Kitty (aka Oxidizing Dragon)
For the 'moose lust' series of moose poemetry.
Trouble Man
For defence of alt dot bigfoot and for courage when faced with
the evil she-bitch.
Silas Salmonberry
For serious bigfoot research.
Henry Franzoni
For serious bigfoot research.
Brian (the Irish guy, real irish)
For serious bigfoot research.
Evil Enemies
Sharon H
Bigfoot Wannabees
Barbara Abernathy
She tried hard in alt.music.nirvana but the do-gooders iced
her. Maybe another time Babs.
Brian Aitken
He tries to be a bigfooter, but he really is too pathetic and
weak to attain out lofty status.
#serious mode ON
Jack Maxfield (aka Stainless Steel Moviegoer, King of alt.whine)
Not a chance. Weenies are not allowed. Those who religiously
guard their real name are not only *real-life* losers, they
truly need help. Alt dot bigfoot has promised to help pay for
his visits to the little doctor who speaks softly.
He's also the only one who every reads the FAQ and searches
to see if he is mentioned.
#serious mode OFF
John Dobbs (aka Floyd Johnson)
A harmless bot. He gets rid of newbies, which is good, and
he is easy to kill file. An all-round nice guy when you get
to really know him. Most of the inner circle members have
talked to him via the "other accounts" and agree that although
he tries hard, he doesn't quite get it.
Q3. The members sound fascinating! Can I know more?
Since you asked nicely, here are some member biographies (3/94)
Supreme Commander
Founding member of alt.bigfoot. I'm a 29 year-old engineer in
Vancouver who abandoned reality after discovering net-world and
alt.bigfoot. I love mooses - especially big, doopy, stinky ones that
wander aimlessly, yet gracefully, through the forest. I've met bigfoot
several times; each time he was wearing a different disguise - weiner
dog, chicken, road kill, sexy woman in a bar. In summer, I'm always on
my mountain bike. In winter, I shiver in the corner and rock back and
forth. My primary objective in life is to purge net-land of net-freaks
and retire at age 35.
CyberPorchMonkey (CPM)
3'11 and 297 lb. Mechanical Lower Primate. Loves porch swings. Veteran
of many bloody Net-Battles and received SC's highest medal of honor
for his work against the viciously angst-ridden war mongers of ASH.
Short in temper, Big in heart. Would cut off his tail for Bigfoot or
the Moose. Eek! Eek! Eek!
UQA
rescued from certain doom by the Moose, is a paraplegic sworn to
defending Alt dot Bigfoot from his chair, his bed, or wherever his
enemy, The Nurse, may choose to put him.
Farleymeister
Born with the mind of a thirty-year-old, he was constantly stifled and
mortified until a vision of Bigfoot and the Moose brought him to his
senses (and alt.bigfoot). Having retired from the profession of
flamer-killing (as they are all living dead by now), he spends his
quiet afternoons composing poetry and arranging flowers.
R.O.S.B.F. (Roast Beef)
Disillusioned with science and life, she fell into the ways of the
Moose and Bigfootdamus as an escape from the evil Jackboss! Now she
happily spends her time engineering viruses to weaken all foes of the
Foot!
wilf (Bulldog)
Wilf has a PhD in garbology from Steve's and Joe's College. His PhD
dissertation concentrated on the safe disposal of toxic and obnoxious
net trash. In his spare time he studies ways of preserving moose
habitat.
St.Bob
28 year old statistical data consultant for the State of North
Carolina. Patron Saint of the over-worked, under-paid, and
rarely-appreciated working class. Having left Plato's allegorical cave
of complete ignorance in search of truth, I found Bigfoot and the
Moose waiting for me with a can of Kokanee at the end of my quest.
Q4. Does alt.bigfoot have a charter? Can I see it?
CURRENT PURPOSE OF ALT.BIGFOOT (Bigfoot Charter):
1.
To discuss the activities of bigfoot today, in the past, and in the
future. Topics include:
a) Bigfootdamus and his predictions relating to bigfoot and
alt.bigfoot.
b) The manuscripts of bigfoot.
c) Saving the network, and world, from armageddon.
d) (this space intentionally left blank)
e) Sightings of bigfoot.
f) Use of bigfoot magic.
2.
To hate ASH (alt.suicide.holiday) and everyone associated with that
newsgroup.
3.
To kick out of alt.bigfoot all non-members in a politically incorrect
manner.
4.
To rant and rave about anything that is on your mind.
5.
To *collectively* influence other newsgroups and the world with our
Bigfoot philosophies and Moose ways!
6.
To *collectively* target enemy individuals and "put them in their
place".
7.
To support and fight for all official members.
8.
To without mercy poke fun at Eurotrash and alt.flamers.
9.
To start an anti-Douglas Adams campaign if he doesn't reply to our
guest speaker invite! (How rude!)
10.
To provide humor and purpose in life.
Q5. Can lowly me ever hope to become part of
this interesting group?
Well, we were all once like you. But, if you wish to become a member,
please email the Supreme Commander at tr...@mprgate.mpr.ca. You must:
1.
Agree to respect the Bigfoot Charter
2.
Provide your reasons for wanting to become a member of alt.bigfoot.
3.
Given the Supreme Commander's (i.e. trent's) approval, you must post
at *least* two poems about moose, which will then be critiqued by the
members of alt.bigfoot.
4.
Bye us all some beer.
5.
Read and analyze "If You Give A Moose A Muffin". A committe of
official members will discuss the merits of your submission, and a
response will be given once a decision has been reached or after the
beer runs out which ever comes first.
Q6. What exactly is a moose peom?
Moose-Poem (moos poh-em)
n. literary composition in verse expressing deep moose feelings or
noble moose thoughts in an imaginative way.
Must have IOC - Ingenuity, Originality, and Creativity!
Q7. Does alt.bigfoot have a defense policy?
I'd also like to take this opportunity to bring to your attention the
*threat* we face from *enemy* newsgroups. There are numerous large
newsgroups out there who would just love to capture alt.bigfoot for its
raw talent and stategic location. We must work to ensure that these
enemies of alt.bigfoot never enter our territory!
That's why I propose to develop a NGN ("News Group Nuke") defense system!
And was it EVER developed! NGN was deployed and used successfully against
the flamers in the early days of January 1994. Fallout was noted but
scientist assure us there is absolutely no danger. The flamers may have
suffered some brain damage but it is so hard to tell. Don't mind the two
headed dogs running around. Okay, everyone. I think we should step back a
moment and take a deep breath and start yogic flying. Listen, the Natural
Law party has Scientific Proof that 7000 yogic flyers will imbue Canada
will a Meissner-effect like defence shield that will keep out evil
thoughts, making Canada impregnable!! So what are we waiting for??
NEW IMPROVED DEFENCE PLAN FOR ALT.BIGFOOT
1. Take the Lagrangian of Alt.Bigfoot, ie.
L = T-V = re'kgj .wr,f `welkif[woeirf wqeof q[ewp
(in top-secret code, of course).
2. Find Equations of Motion of Alt.Bigfoot by integrating L, ie.
/ | L d(Alt.Bigfoot) = s23-9r83~5~4~rufcpihjfcw;ofhc;wq /
(again, in top-secret bigfoot code).
3. AND THERE YOU HAVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THINK OF WHAT THIS MEANS!!!!!!
First, it is an obvious consequence of 2. that all we need are 17 yogic
bigfoot flyers and alt.bigfoot will DISAPPEAR FROM THE MINDS OF ALL
SQUID-LIKE SELF-FELLATIATING CREATURES (ie. hOOTEN_II), and we will never
ever be bothered by them again.
Second, think of the improved invasion possibilities our new yogic
bigfoot flying will afford us!!!
Third..ohoh..I`m so excited i'm levitating, i cant reach m
Termination Song
Happy TERMINATION day to you!
Happy TERMINATION day to you!
Happy TERMINATION day Evil Enemies!
Happy TERMINATION day to you!
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!!...
The Supreme Commander and Merlin of Bigfoot are pleased to announce, on
this November 1, 1993, the approval of alt.bigfoot funding towards the
*final* stage of our most secret defense project. This project,
classified at top-secret and carried out at our Whistler Mountain
Military Facilities, has wrapped up the research phase and is now going
into production.
All of you bigfootians our there will be please to hear that your tax
dollars have been used wisely by our scientific community to develop a...
TERMINATOR BIGFOOT!!!!!
That's right. Soon, we will no longer have to risk Merlin's life in the
assassination of Net-Freaks (TM). Instead, our command and control center
will simply be able to provide a terminator bigfoot with the name of the
victim, as well as his or her home town, and termination will be
guaranteed!
Stay tuned, all you Net-Freak enemies of the Foot, for soon we'll be
singing *your* Happy Termination song!
Grumpy Moose
As Supreme Commander of alt.bigfoot, I am please to announce the
completion of yet another top-secret defense development. It is Project
#460-439930C, coded named "Grumpy Moose".
We now have a number of life-sized mechanical moose that look, feel,
smell, walk, drool, etc just like a real moose. You can't tell them apart
from the real thing. But these moose have one special surprise associated
with them... They're each equipped with small, internal micronuclear
explosives - approximately 1/10 kiloton of explosive power.
Our grumpy moose are sooooooo lovable. They've got giant faces and huge
antlers (which form parabolic antennas for satellite up/down-links).
They're deep thoughtful eyes will make the most hardened enemy
soft-hearted. The grumpy moose will be able to penetrate any enemy
location and, upon contact with the programmed enemy, DETONATE.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Alt.bigfoot is getting stronger!!!!!
Beware, evil enemies!
Virus Defense Mechanisms
Nor can we forget the Bigfootviridae engineered to destroy enemies of
Bigfoot and the Moose! One was specially designed to attack Hooten II and
weaken him so that Merlin could finish him off!
Auntie-NGN
Cancel-bot to cancel all our Evil Enemies posts (just to make him/her
mad).
Happy Moose
Dirty slimey 'nice' tactics. Ewwwwwwwwwwwww !!
Q8. What is the position of alt.bigfoot towards mooses?
The members of alt.bigfoot are of two minds -- both pro and con.
Although, with the recent unexpected outpouring of moose poetry, the
pro-moose group appears to be gaining ground.
>Sure, I'm a moosaholic... So what?? It isn't a
>self-destructive obsession. It doesn't hurt anyone.
>So what is the problem? Mooses are goofy. Mooses
>are stinky. Mooses are "doopy". Having mooses around
>the house promotes a calm, peaceful environment. And
>mooses can be named the most bizarre names, and they'll
>never complain. My favorite is Super-Doopy-Doo! It's
>just *great*. I love mooses!!!!!! Now do you understand?
>No? Well just f**k-it then! You'll never understand!
>I HATE MOOSES TO PIECES!!!! BAW HAW HAW!! Why don't
>you get OUT of this group and start posting in alt.moose.
>Personally the REAL people of the world prefer the
>Shaven Yak.
Q9. Does alt.bigfoot have an anthem?
(sung to the tune of the Canadian national anthem)
Alt-Dot-Bigfoot...
Our newsgroup strong and free...
We'll kick the ass...
Of everyone we see...
The other groups, are all just freaks...
Just take a look at ASH...
The losers who, post to that group...
Are nothing more than trash...
God keep our group...
Offensive as can be...
Alt-Dot-Bigfoot...
We stand on guard for thee...
ALT-DOT-BIGFOOT, WE STAND ON GUARD FOR THEE!!!!!
Q10. What is the dominant political philosophical position espoused
by the members of alt.bigfoot?
Power is what makes the world go 'round! All the atoms, other than
hydrogen and helium, were created in exploding stars. Talk about power!
And power politics (or real politik) also make the world go round, just
ask Thucydides, Charlemange, Napolean, Richard the Lionhearted, Hitler,
Churchill, Morgenthau, or the Supreme Commander. Santa Cruz isn't
representative of how the rest of the world works my pot-addled friend.
You can't expect to get by your whole life wearing tie-dye shirts, not
washing your hair, and going to campus sponsored orgies!
NO! YOU'VE GOT TO FLAME PEOPLE! MERCILESSLY! HERE AT ALT.BIGFOOT, WE
PROBE THE INNER SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE! SO IF YOU CAN'T EVEN GET
SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS THIS THROUGH YOUR THICK MELON, HOW CAN YOU HOPE TO
UNDERSTAND THE INTRICACIES OF BIGFOOT HIMSELF!
Q11. How do others in the net feel about alt.bigfoot?
Naturally, when faced with the wit and brilliance shown in our group,
some become a bit testy out of pure jealousy.
>And this sums up alt.bigfoot quite nicely. Just a
>pile of,well,big footy things, which noone gives any
>attention exept for a bunch of twig-wielding loonies,
>who treat it as a sacred place, for no reasons known,
>not even to them, but still they do it, while chanting
>obnoxious pseudo-poems concerning mooses and other
>ridiculous forest inhabitants,
>SUBSCRIBERS TO THIS GROUP SEEM TO ME NOTHING MORE THAN A
>GROUP OF INSIPID FOOLS WHO ARE ENTANGLED IN THIER OWN
>SELF-PROCLAIMED WIT. IT IS EVIDENT THAT YOU ALL HAVE WAY
>TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS, SO GET YOUR RESPECTIVE PAROLE
>OFFICERS TO SCHEDULE SOME SORT OF GROUP THERAPY
But some become irresistably drawn to alt.bigfoot members
> Wilf, Wilf, Wilf, Wilf, Wilf!
--(Babs "Beulah-Mae" Abernathy)
>Dear Ms Roast Beef,
> I hereby formally apologize for my rude and
>ungentlemanly behaviour. Please except these and let
>me not suffer any longer the thought of offending
>an exquisite creature like Yourself!
--(Docotr L.R. Coppejans)
Not to mention the well-filled harems of SC, CPM, and Wild Bill!
And who can forget the last words from Mr. Alex!
> HI folks,
>I have a vree weekend,the first one this year. It's like
>a holiday to me. I think I get drunk all Saterday and commit
>suicide on Sunday.
>
>It was real shit knowing you all and I don't hope to meet you
>again in Hell. But where is Hell. HAHAHAH HELL IS HERE !!!
>Hmmm This is starting to get FUN FUN FUN. Maybe I just stay
>for another week to annoy you and get everybody to hate me.
>That would be nice !!!! Lets vomit in this group. Anybody
>that wants to vomit with me ??? First lets eat and then puke
>in this group. It's for no use anyway. People that commit
>suicide don't write !! THEY PUKE !! hahhahahahahh blood
>out there mouth of the bullit that reached there stommic
>yes it's a said said story.
>
> MR Alex.
Q12. The newsgroup anthem was so stirring, are
there any other patriotic songs about alt.bigfoot?
Yes indeedy -- there are. The first is sung to the tune of cookie
monster's, C is For Cookie:
B is for Bigfoot
it's good enuf for me
B is for Bigfoot
obnoxious yesiree
B is for Bigfoot
let's keep it heathen free
ooooh Alt-Dot-Bigfoot
I'm for thee!
The second is sung to the tune of Kate Smith's favorite number...
God bless alt-dot-bigfoot
newsgroup that I love
oh fight with her
and rid her
of the lame
with a flame from above
rid her of ASH freaks
and net misfits
and rabid Hootens
white with FOAAAAM!
God bless alt-dot-bigfoot
my net-dot-home
God bless ALT-DOT-BIGFOOT
MY NET-DOT-HOOOOOME!
also, there's the moving
Hail Alt dot Bigfoot
Hats off to you
Ever you'll find us
loyal and true
Loving all mooses
always we'll be
to the group we love
Here's a toast to thee....
Sing to the Brady Bunch theme...
Here's a story, of a freak named Murdoc,
Who hated mooses, bigfoot and Canucks,
So he found a great refuge, in Alt dot Flame,
With other low-IQ f*cks.
Alt Dot Bigfoot, was a great Net-Empire,
With the most brilliant people found in all Net Land,
They loved Mooooooo-ses, and Bigfootdamus,
Their group was truly grand!
Till the one day when the Flamers met ol' Bigfoot,
And they both knew that it was much more than a hunch.
That Alt Dot Bigfoot, would crush the net-freaks
With Bigfoot's mighty punch!
Now the Flamers are all running scared and confused,
And with fear, in the background they will lurk.
Alt Dot Bigfoot is the sole Super-Power,
Of the whole damn Usenet network!
Alt Dot Bigfoot!
Alt Dot Bigfoot!
They're the best. They're the tops!!
Alt Dot Bigfoot!
And next we offer....
Alt dot Bigfoot,
Our newsgroup strong and free.
We'll kick the ass
Of all net-freaks we see!
There is one guy who'll burn in hell
He'll be screaming in the fire.
The name of that net-freak is known
To be Mark Vieselmeyer!
Mark's not too bright
It's obvious to me.
Let's nominate him
As our new net-monkey!
Our final number is from the Supreme Commander
(Sung to Bob Hope's theme song...)
Thanks... for the memories.
The great bigfoot bash.
The trashing of ASH.
The Bigfootdamus fun.
And newsgroups on the run.
So THANK YOU, my friends!
Q13. What is the official unit of exchange for alt.bigfoot?
Our newsgroup has many fine atributes. We have a Supreme Commander, a
financial policy, a mascot, a defence policy, a newsgroup anthem,
history, poetry, literature, and of course, evil enemies. What we don't
have however is a unit of exchange. Thus, I propose the Thigh Master (tm)
as the official unit of exchange for the newsgroup alt.bigfoot, and I
propose this for many reasons.
First, the Thigh Master (tm) brought back Suzanne Somers' career from the
dead just as the Supreme Commander brought back alt.bigfoot from the
dead.
Second, say you're waiting in line to make a deposit at a bank. You could
take the Thigh Master (tm) and get a good workout while you're waiting.
And third, if Hooten tried to sneak up on you from behind, you could wack
him on the head with the Thigh Master (tm) and protect yourself. The
thing does have some heft after all.
Official exchange rate: 1 Thigh Master (tm) = $17.99 + tax (US)
$24.99 (Canada)
In Moose We Trust / E. Pluribus Bigfootdamus
Q14. What is the financial situation of alt.bigfoot?
I, the Supreme Commander, am pleased to reveal, for the FAQ,
Alt.Bigfoot's Balance Sheet. It's been a pleasure managing our fine
newsgroup's assets!
Assets:
Cash ThighMaster$ 3,000,000
Gold 88,200,000
Newsgroup holdings 37,500,000
Rap music albums 1
Wedding rings 12,800,000
"Final Exit" books 2,300,000
Beatles music 1
Cat food 100
Dead cat 1
Everything pillaged from a.flame (used syringes)1
Kokanee 2,700,000
Techno-war hardware 48,800,000
Techno-war software 49,600,000
Moose reservation 11,300,000
Coka Cola 800,000
Diet Pepsi 100,000
-----------
257,100,004
Liabilities:
Newsgroup Visa bill Thigh-Master$ 1
Total Bigfooter's Equity 257,100,003
-----------
257,100,004
Q15. What are the 10 commandments of alt.bigfoot? And were they
found on Mount Horab?
Ten Commandments of Alt dot Bigfoot
I don't care what moral rules of conduct you subscribe to in the real
world, but in alt dot bigfoot-land, these are the rules (unless of course
the Supreme Commander vetoes them, since it is *his* group):
1. Thou shalt not lurk (except in lurker threads)!
2. Thou shalt not bare false witness against mooses.
3. Thou shalt drink kokanee. Lotsa a kokanees. And then write moose
poetry.
4. Thou shalt hate thy flamer, and hate him/her well!
5. Thou shalt only worship the one true Supreme Commander, get out
when he says, and *stay* out.
6. Thou shalt hate ASH-heathens, *really* hate ASH- heathens. Maybe
even more than flamers.
7. Thou shalt recite the Official Bigfoot National Anthem daily.
8. Thou shalt worship the alt dot bigfoot FAQ, as the one true gospel.
9. Thou shalt not send get well cards to sys-admins under any
circumstances. Handle it yourself. Think ! Use that noggin' that
bigfoot gave you !! (Mail bombs and hate email are also un-moose
like).
10. If ya can't take the heat, go to alt dot flame, do not collect 200
Thigh-Masters.
Q16. Has anyone on this newsgroup ever seen bigfoot?
I am about to tell you of the wonderful and enchanting events which
befell me on my expedition the past 2 days which will forever alter how I
view this crazy topsy-turvey buttery thing called life.
It all started on Thursday morning around 8:00 am. I jumped in my car and
headed out on I-70 in search of Bigfoot. I didn't have to travel far
before I found him. I stopped at the Village Tavern outside of Falls
City, Indiana for a bite to eat. That is where I smelled the inexplicable
stench. I guess the best I can do is to say it smelled like something
which had gone rotten months ago. Like a road kill but worse...MR Alex's
cage?
I ventured out into the nearby woods.. this is where I saw the most
amazing sight in my life.. It was even more amazing than I had ever
imagined. It was tall and fat and hairy... It was Bigfoot!
It has been said that all good relationships start with quiet
observation...actually I just made that up, does it sound stupid? :) This
exact same strategy worked for me w/ a monkey at the zoo.
"Aaaarrrgggh!!!! Ouch!"
I soon realized that maybe I should change my strategy.. Bigfoot grabbed
my MAG-LITE and smashed me on the head with it... Unlike the Three
Stooges, I didn't hear a cute little clank sound, and it hurt like hell.
I retreated in search of another strategy..
I caught up to Bigfoot a few hours later by the river.. It was time for
the heavy artillery.. QUESTIONS..
"What size shoe do you wear?"
"When were roads invented?"
"How much are bananas?"
"How many days are in September?"
"Who's Neil Sedaka?"
This strategy didn't seem to work very well... I came to the conclusion
that if I were ever to be accepted into this wonderful subculture of
hairy people who walk through the woods and stink, that I must act like
them, talk like them, look like them... and yes.. eventually SMELL like
them.
I followed them back to their camp where other bigfoots were sitting
around the fire talking about the days events. No matter what I tried
they just ignored me.
After doing the "twist" for three hours straight to an unreceptive
audience I felt pretty tired. I always found Mom's advice useful... that
if you feel tired no matter where you are, lay down and go to sleep (This
always proved to be good advice except for the time I was arrested at the
bus stop). So I stretched out infront of the fire and closed my eyes.
It was at this point where a particular incident occured which was the
turning point of my entire journey.. This event can be summed up in 4
sweet words..
"BIGFOOT STEPPED ON ME".. and did it hurt!
I winced in pain! At that point, Bigfoot picked me up, brushed me off,
and set me back down. He patted me on the back and gave me a reassuring
look. FINALLY! A nugget of approval! They were starting to accept me! I
think I was even starting to STINK a little!
Little did I know it but..I was about to learn all the rules and rituals
of a culture so secret that even Robert Stack can't find it.
The first thing Bigfoot and friends taught me was how to act like a wild
uncontrollable beast in front of all the hillbillies who pass through
their camp for no particular reason. This proved to be pretty easy..
They then showed me ho they avoid getting filmed by camera or video. This
is a very delicate procedure involving floss and latex.
My FAVORITE thing they showed me was of their different culinary
delights! I never knew it, but the woods are literally crawling with
food! Dirt, natures perfect food.. so many minerals like iron, zinc,
styrafoam... I even tried sticks.. an old Navaho snack treat dating back
to the early 19th century.. it's what the Clark Bar is based on.
The last night I spent there, sitting around the camp fire I told him of
our plight on alt.bigfoot. He promised me he would be present to help
save us! Maybe not in pen but in spirit! This was the answer I was
looking for!
I accepted that fact that there are certain questions of mine that should
go left unanswered like..
Where does meat come from?
How do fish breathe?
Whats the square root of 9?
I knew he would be able to answer these but I didn't need to irritate him
more than I had to.
The next morning I went back to my car and headed home.. The journey, cut
short, fulfilled my wildest expectations.
Q17. Who is Bigfoot's mother? Does Bigfoot have health insurance?
We can't be sure, but the word on the street (and in the forest) is that
Kate Smith gave birth to Bigfoot. We also have reason to believe Bigfoot
is insured by Blue Shield.
Q18. Does Bigfoot Have a Son?
I know all about this story. Katie Martin met bigfoot in a cafe in Paris
- I think it was north-east of the Louvre way out by the Hoche metro
station. There was a strong physical attraction! Katie wanted to see
Pigalle at night, but was afraid of going there alone. Bigfoot offered to
show her the sights of this area. This is when they fell in love!
The Parisians all stared at bigfoot, in disbelief, as the two walked
together. It wasn't until bigfoot asked, "Savez-vous ou est le
McDonalds?" that they accepted him as just another North American tourist
wearing white sneakers and a ski jacket.
Sadly, however, Katie did not give birth to the child of bigfoot. That
part of the story is nothing more than a *hoax*. For the last few years,
she has been gluing synthetic fur onto her child conceived in a fling in
the tiny town of Cooktown, north of Cairns, Australia. She wanted society
to believe that bigfoot was the father, rather than the Ozzy bartender in
the town's bar/bottle-shop, so that she could get a cut of the
land-rights of the true native peoples of North America - bigfoots. My
the year 2050, bigfoots will own half of the continent after long,
expensive legal battles!
Q19. What about those stupid Pizza Hut ads? Can't anything be done
to prevent embarrassment to bigfoot?
I just thought of something. Was watching Wheel of Fortune tonight when
on came an ad for Bigfoot Pizza, and then I realized Pizza Hut is not
paying tribute to our newsgroup. Perhaps it wouldn't be necessary for SC
to *decrease* our taxes if Pizza Hut were to ante up its fair share --
about 43 Billion dollars, to be split amongst the members of alt.bigfoot.
(40 billion for me, and 3 billion for the rest of you) I think it's
obvious that Pizza Hut is cashing in on the fame and spotless image
created by those who post regularly to alt.bigfoot.
Because 40 bil. isn't enough money to keep up the standard of living to
which I've always dreamed, we will also need to file a bigfoot class
action suit against Pizza Hut. You see, the image representing bigfoot is
deameaning to bigfoots, as Luke will no doubt attest. (back me up Luke)
It is, in fact, a bigoted portrayal of the bigfoot and denies the
significant cultural contributions made by the bigfoot to our American
way of life. I personally have talked to many talented bigfoots who have
been denied successful careers in politics, used car sales, and law
because of the ignorant, stereotypical, and hate filled portrayal of
bigfoot by Pizza Hut. In one particularly blatant example, a talented
bigfoot was forced to wear a chicken, weiner-dog, and road-kill disguise
just to get what every red-blooded American has come to expect as his or
her God-given right, cable-TV.
It's not the money; it's the principle of the thing. I want to get rich
quickly off of corporate America. Scratch that, I want to help protect
the bigfoot, a peace-loving creature who has contribued unselfishly to
this country, who is unable to protect itself, and who wants only to
watch Nick at night.
Q20. I want to keep up in these changing times!
What trends should I expect in 1994?
As the new year rolls in, lets take a look at some current Bigfoot
trends..
IN OUT
alt.flame ASH
Shirt sigs ASCII drawings
Nova Dodge
Kokanee Pabst Blue Ribbon
Supreme Commander Barbara Abernasty
Parades Invasions
Poems Flames
Intellect Stupidity
Q21. Are Mooses well versed in the arts?
What St. Bob didn't explain was that bigfoots and moose are experts in
all types of art: dance, fine arts, the martial arts ...
Yes, Bigfootdamus perfected the art of BIG-FOOT-DO and used that
knowledge to inform his analysis of other arts. In fact, it was
Bigfootdamus himself who taught David Carridiene everything he knew for
the popular television show "Kung Fu". And if you ever looked at how
hairy Chuck Norris is, you'd instantly recognize he has a little bigfoot
in his blood, which makes him such a formidible fighter. Steven Segal on
the other hand is the anti-bigfoot, which is why he's such a weenie and
why he acts so poorly, both on and off screen. If I were you
Weasel-greaser (and I'm glad I'm not) I'd pray to the Spirit of the Moose
and ask him to forgive your blasphemy. }:)- Then maybe, and that's a big
*maybe*, you will be spared from the wrath of Terminator Bigfoot.
You have been warned.
Q22. What else should I know about mooses?
One interesting fact is that a bull MOOSE's antlers are shaped to funnel
sound directly into his ear making his hearing much better while he has
his full rack.
Another is that the MOOSE has panoramic vision. While he/she cannot see
much on the vertical plane without raising or lowering his/her head just
by turning the head from side to side the MOOSE's blind spot is limited
only to below and directly behind his/her body.
Q23. I heard of alt.bigfoot's rousing victory over
alt.flame! What happened in this glorious war?
Alt.Flame (pathetic and weak) vs. Alt dot Bigfoot (strong and free)
In early December, a lurking heathen known by the name of Gerard Vos
either says something inflamatory or cross-posts an inflamatory remark.
Farleymeister attacks in a moose-like-rage. The initial thread was aptly
named "Bigfoot!" !
Net vermin such as Net Monkey (aka Mark Weaselmeyer), by- pass lax alt
dot bigfoot security. (The security company is axed a short while later).
Bigfoot forces unite and begin to goad the enemy into attacking. The ploy
works. SC is heard to remark in the fray: "Net Monkey is soooooo
stooooopid".
Jeff Antebi suggests an alt dot flame moose poem writing contest. Count
Bulldog is so happy he writes a moose poem. Alt dot flame forces show
their total lack of grey matter by producing no good moose poems.
The initial wave of alt dot flame heathen is battled back handily. Then,
Babs Abernathy, after being used and tossed aside by Count Bulldog, runs
headlong into "The Return of Merlin Bigfoot".
Meanwhile, Hooten_II, is still trying to determine whether he is friend
or foe. Hooten_II issues the prophetic words "I won't join alt.bigfoot
until Merlin returns anyway". Merlin returns. Merlin kills Hooten_II.
What transpires between Merlin and Babs is unclear, but in the end,
Merlin shows Babs a reflection of herself, and she is terminated. Merlin
is injured (slightly) in the altercation. Hooten_III appears. He is
Bigfoot material. Alt dot bigfoot, being wise and compassionate, decides
that Hooten_III doesn't have to pay for the sins of his forefathers.
Hooten_III fights valiantly. More importantly, Hooten_III writes a good
moose poem.
UQA battles j.Spencer. Flattens him. UQA battles Carey Gagnon, decides
that Carey is no match, and battles his nurse instead. Nurse turns out to
be a better foe.
Throughout the war, St. Bob fights with saintlyness and compassion,
unless he finds out that his foe owns a cat.
Farleymeister battles on both fronts. He apologizes for having a hand in
starting the initial skirmish. No apology was necessary. The foot is full
of mercenaries, but we don't do it for money, we do it for *fun*.
SC battles from atop his Grumpy-Moose^(tm). Barks out orders which are
faithfully carried out by the bigfoot troops. He laughs at the ineptitude
and disorganization of the flame forces.
Luke fights fearlessly on both alt dot flame and alt dot bigfoot. Luke is
heard to say (to a nameless flamable type): "why don't you just do us all
a favor and fill out your organ donor card and then promptly kill
yourself". The sound of laughter and taunting is heard throughout alt dot
bigfoot, (and even as far away as alt dot suicide dot holidays). The
thread ends. No-one can top that. Alt dot flame begins to retreat.
About this time, SC notices that Mooses Snort when they are really mad,
and initiates Operation Moose Snort, with an initial funding of 3.4 M
Thigh-Masters^(tm). Issuing of contracts is handled by Count Bulldog.
Everyone is paid well for contributing one-liners.
The one liner war had a number of stages:
v.1:
a small shell and awk script to automatically change the headers to
point to alt.flame, randomly change followups, etc. To unleash hit 'f'
key in response to heathen flame post.
v.2:
a small script to post N new articles from the oneliner file
(randomly) on alt dot flame. I got tired of hitting 'f'. These weren't
replies and the "name" was always "Count Bulldog". Key sequence to
initiate: oms.
v.3:
v.1 with random names such as "Mark Weaselmeyer", "Cory Gagnon",
"Paula Freewoman", "Barbed Abernathy", etc.... This was the most
effective. Initiated with the 'f' key as in v.1.
v.4:
[Not unleashed yet]. v.3 + "N" random one-liner follow-ups. (A meld of
v.2 and v.3).
OMS is of course successful, and wound down for humanitarian reasons.
A lurker by the name of --C shows up. He had previously been ejected from
the domain of bigfoot but fights valiantly against the scarey ganglion
nonetheless.
The mop up crew is sent in to handle any left over land mines, or
flammable snipers.
About this time, a plan is hatched in the feeble mind of Bulldog. He
thinks that maybe by being nice, they will get bored and leave once and
for all. This (albeit disgusting) tactic is tried for a week, but the
tactic is just to devious. It again is wound down for humanitarian
reasons.
Then (for some unknown reason), Merlin and Bulldog re-enter alt dot
flame, and kick more butt. More flamers come over to alt dot bigfoot.
Although we are outnumbered 10 to 1, our superior technology and wit
totally dominates alt dot flame.
During the whole war, which was based on purely non-nuclear weaponry
(allthough some biological weapons were deployed), alt dot bigfoot was
sitting on their very own weapon of mass destruction, News Group Nuke...
News Group Nuke, funded by the pleasant folks of rec.pets.cats, (who
happen to despise alt.flame), automatically posted 2000+ articles to
alt.flame and alt.bigfoot in one 2 day time span. The newsreaders of the
alt dot flame folks were thoroughly jammed. Weapons of mass destruction
are sooooooooo fun !! Alt dot flame capitulated. The whining is still
being heard to this day.
Q24. Wow! Now how do others feel about doing battle with alt.bigfoot?
Even Lou Holtz acknowledged that alt.bigfoot is the undisputed #1 rank in
the nation when interviewed after the polling results were released. As I
remember it the interview went something like this:
Berman:
"Coach Holtz, what's your feeling about Notre Dame being ranked behind
Florida State in the post season national polls?"
Holtz:
"Well, they're *ranked* number 1, and there's nothing we can do about
that now."
Berman:
"You sound like you don't agree with that ranking. Do you feel that
the Irish deserve the number one spot?"
Holtz:
"The Irish? Hell no! Let's face facts if alt.bigfoot hadn't been
placed on suspention for extreme violence in the course of games,
they'd have mopped the floor with the Semi-wholes or the Bighting
Irish. Bigfoot is just that good, and no reasonable person could say
otherwise. They destroy opponents physically, emotionally,
psychologically, spiritually, and every other way you can think of.
It's unnerving to see them crush teams and never break a sweat while
creating those haunting moose poems. No, there's no question. Those
bigfooters are alone at the top."
Berman:
"Do you have any plans to play Alt.Bigfoot, head-to-head, to dispute
the issue in the future?"
Holtz:
"I'm not stupid, Chris! I'm responsible for these boys' future. I'm
not going to send them anything like a congflict with bigfoot. No I'll
take the forfeit and sleep with a clear conscious."
Even Bobby Bowden of Florida State said:
AP:
"Congratulations on the national championship, Coach Bowden. Any
comments?"
Bowden:
"Well, I thought that Nebraska played a heck of a game. They have a
great program over there, and they pushed us hard the whole game. It's
a great feeling to finally win the championship, and we've been really
lucky. We bounced back after the loss to Notre Dame, we've been able
to stay healthy through the season, we were able to perform in the
clutch against teams like Nebraska, and of course we didn't have to
play bigfoot because of the suspension. Those people are unstoppable.
It gives me the shivers just thinking about playing them."
AP:
"What's your opinion of the Bigfoot suspension?"
Bowden:
"They're way out of our league. I haven't seen anyone in the NFL that
could seriously challenge them. I have nightmares sometimes, hearing
those moose poems. I don't want to talk about it anymore."
In a Sports Illustrated interview, Joe Montana said:
SI:
"Joe, you've done so much in your career, what's left? What does Joe
Montana have to do to make his career successful?"
Montana:
"I want to play for Alt.Bigfoot. I know I haven't the talent to start,
but just to make the team would be enough for me. Everything else I've
done has just been leading up to that goal."
SI:
"How do you feel about playing Bigfoot in the first round of the play-
offs?"
Montana:
"I'm terrified. What idiot wouldn't be."
SI:
"How are you preparing for the game?"
Montana:
"I've been compsing some moose poems. Maybe they'll show some mercy.
Who am I kidding? We're doomed."
I think the unanimous opinion of the sane world is that there is only one
number one, and Alt.Bigfoot is its name.
== end of part 1 ==
--
Bulldog Tenacity
A E I O moOse
Doe Rae Me Fa So La mOose
Ee I ee aye mooSe
Bulldog
Q25. What do Bigfooter's drink?
Well we seem to be a bit divided on that issue....
>Nevertheless, this whole Pepsi thing has us
>aghast and agog! Repent! Repent! ... Rehab!
>
>--King Flame )|:{>
>
>>Drink Pepsi!
>
>Then purge yourself and switch to Coke!
>
All I can say with regards to cola products, Diet Pepsi is better than
Diet Coke, but Classic Coke is better than Pepsi. Personally, A&W Cream
Soda is what I drink by the 2 liter bottle. The stuff is great. But a
soda arguement is no reason for alt.bigfoot to suffer...we all admit we
are a group of bright people with somewhat different tastes when it comes
to beverages (although we all like Kokanee Beer) and we all love the
Moose and alt.bigfoot.
But we are in agreement that caffiene in large quantities must be had!
Get your fix anyway you need to but don't drag us down into your personal
hell.
Q26. Any previews of upcoming events?
Well. It appears that once was not enough, so this weekend or sometime
soon, for your listening and viewing dis-pleasure, we at alt dot bigfoot
are pleased to announce the return of NEWS GROUP NUKE !!
+===================================================+
========= NEWS GROUP NUKE II, THE SEQUEL^(tm) ======
+===================================================+
Now don't all you nice people clap at the same time.
Whereas NGN 1 was a North American creation, teams from the Nederlands,
Norweeeeja, Canerda, and Ameraka, have joined forces to create the most
devestating nuclear weapon to hit alt dot flame *EVER*.
Just listen to what people polled have said about the previews:
"I'm telling. Mom !!! He hit me !!"
-- Dave Williams
"Hey, catchup, 'c', what a novel feature !!"
-- Marek
"I'm gonna mail bomb you again !!!"
-- Mark Weaselmeyer
"HAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAA!!"
-- Supreme Commander of A.B
"Hye, co)l, asdhas ewiue shjas bnsak askjd aksn assi e fuck, fshashi
hooch !!! Ya better ush my name !!!!!"
-- Barbara Abernathy
"Two thumbs down !!"
-- Siskel and Egbert
Now all you weenies out there just better run and hide. It'll only last
two days, and the articles will probably all expire really fast.
And no, it ain't coming from my site, so don't whine to me. Someone in
the continental US has been nice enough to run it on their machine !!
(Don't worry, the NGN advanced tactical software is Copylefted, so it is
freely distributable. I wouldn't want to break any laws or anything).
Oh, by the way, you can all thank Dave Williams, Roy Vallillee, Mike
Colburn, Steve Pordon, and **especially** Paal D. Ekran for refusing to
find their way to the door.
Thank you, and have fun in HELL.
--
News Group Nuke
PS.
All complaints via email are happily auto-forwarded to
pres...@whitehouse.gov.
Q27. What about alt.bigfoot's contribution to fine moose poetry ?
Thank you for asking. Alt.bigfoot has made many contributions to fine
poetry -- especially in the exciting and fast growing field of moose
poetry. A representative selection follows, although an alt.bigfoot moose
anthology also exists and is posted on special occasions like Christmas
and Canadian Moose Day. (Of course every day is a special occasion here
in the Foot!).
-----
Giant Mooses.
Mooses with great big heads that swing over to stare at you.
Great, huge antlers that reach into the sky.
Mooses with compassion.
Doopy mooses... very, very doopy.
(Supreme Commander)
-----
Moose Haiku II
Graceful, golden moose
Walking with peace through the trees
I too feel serene
(Merlin)
-----
Winter Haven
Ancient trees cast their shadows
On the moose standing hallow
Broken sunbeams through winter trees
Reflect off willow swamps as they freeze
Northern clouds engorged with snow
Sweep closer to the moose below
Silent figure walks alone
In the barren winter home
December pines spring from crags
Shielding the moose as he lags
Crystal whiteness dusts the land
Sculpting a desert of white sand
Sacred moose stands in the flurries
As his image becomes blurry
Calmly surveying his frigid domain
In the forest where the moose reigns
(Luke)
-----
The Moose I
Doubt thou the Moose is a fire;
Doubt that the Moose doth move;
Doubt truth to be a moose;
But never doubt the Moose with a circumcision.
(Antebi)
-----
O brave new world, with such MOOSE in't.
Is this a MOOSE I see before me, the antlers toward my hand?
Come, let me stuff thee! I have thee not, yet I smell thee still.
Art thou not, fatal nostrils, sensible to moose as to sight?
Or art thou but a MOOSE of the mind, a false quadriped,
proceeding from the Bigfoot oppressed brain?
(Wild Bill)
-----
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is a moose! A moose! A moose!
I need a drink.
(R.O.S.B.F.)
-----
Oh great Moose
Untouched by man's treachery
You rule your Northern kingdom
Great Great Moose
Only you know your true nature
The good way
Where you dwell
Moose Moose Moose
Living life after life
Trudging through the wilderness
MOOSE king MOOSE
May you live long
Life ever lasting and true
May I one day share your abode...
(Dewme)
-----
I knew the Moose some time past
He was always first and never last
The Moose he often said to me,
"Watch your antlers on that tree."
But I have no antlers, said I to he,
"Why you don't," he did decree.
"I agreed with a sorrowful whim
For I could never be like him.
Oh to be a mighty Moose
Running free and fast and loose
It is a curse, it is a shame
I'm not not a moose, my legs are lame.
But I can still be Moose's friend
Right up to the very end.
And I know that God above
Has filled my heart with Moose's love.
UQA (Ultra Quad Autochair)
-----
*SUPER MOOSE*
>From all other countries
They come to see one
The god of the forest
Moose is what he is called
He runs through the forest
never touching the ground
moving silently
In leaps and in bounds
No one stands against him
If they do they will fall
For he is the moose
The King of us all
When bullets are flying
He will never be hit
Cause shots go right through
A ghost, some say he is
(LEFTY)
-----
Observations from the Antlers
Man looks at his creations,
swelling with pride and arrogance.
How advanced!
The best by far!
Yet, to the north stands the sublime,
the antithesis of humankind.
No high technology.
No lofty ambition.
This lonesome prophet of simple pleasures
drinks his fill of unpolluted waters
and looks into our crowded cities,
to marvel at our grand achievements.
Shrewdly he observes our life,
of wars and stress,
of hate and strife;
Contrasting with his arboreal home
of nature's plenty,
where bigfoots roam.
We hold ourselves preeminent, aloof;
but the antlered mind perceives the truth.
Now he returns, this being, refined;
to his more advanced race of moose-kind.
(St. Bob)
-----
MOOSE IS NICE (sung to the tune of Edelweiss)
Moose is nice,
Moose is nice,
God bless all bigfoots and mooses,
Dressed in white, straightjacket on tight,
Push all moosehaters from cliff-ses
Moose is nice,
Moose is nice,
Stomping on oodles of tur-nips,
Slicked-back hair, bigfoots applying Nair
To attract the attention of moo-ses
(TruckGroper)
-----
Kickin' the higways on my Harley
on my way to Palm Springs to party,
I saw a sight unlike any other,
A moose on a fat-bob!
(and he was an ugly mother)
He pulled up next to me, his eyes ablaze
I couldn't tear myself away from his gaze.
Words were exchanged without a sound,
of moose and men, and surfboard wax,
and when the spell was broken I did relax,
and realised the moose was gone...
Was this a dream I asked myself?
Or those unlabeled pills upon my medicine shelf?
I'll never know the answer friends,
yet when I sleep, I dream of him...
And just before I sleep I pray,
'Oh please lord take that noise away',
But the roar of Harley the Moose Persists
and in the wind a maniac does laugh.
And just before I fall asleep,
I think of men and moose and surfboard wax....
(Cosmo)
-----
BIGFOOT AND THE MOOSE
It was a blust'ry autumn day,
Leaves a-blowing in the mist.
I turned around an' I was kissed
By Bigfoot, grand and fey.
"Ho there!" said I, "What's this about?"
Grinned a broad one, he.
Said,"Follow me you silly lout",
And beckoned unto me.
I scrathed me head,
Thought I was dead,
So follow 'im I did.
We traced the trail
O'er hill, though vale,
Till of pluck I was rid.
"No more!" I cried, "My fortitude
hast left me now, Great Hairy Dude."
Said he,"Good thing you areo't much older,
Else you'd not fit on my shoulder."
So off we went,
With me on top
and Him below.
We didn't stop
Until we met
A crystal lake.
A large snowflake
Made my nose wet.
I looked at Him, and He at me.
Just then, the Moose walked up to see
us. Jumped I did, and scared was I.
So frightened I began to cry.
"Fear not", said Bigfoot. "He's a friend,
And one who'll love you to the end."
The Moose, he spoke, and said,"'Tis true,
I sent the Bigfoot after you."
I reached out for to touch his fur.
I shook my head in disbelief.
His coat was smooth, without a burr.
The Moose said,"Our world needs relief."
"Relief from what?" I asked not knowing
The threats that ever are a-growing.
Moose, he said,"The dread net.freak
Is that vile thing of which I speak."
My skin crept as I heard it said.
"I thought," said I,"they were all dead?"
"There are some left", said sober Moose.
"They fill the net with filth profuse."
I asked,"Was Merlin's work for naught?"
"Nay, man," said Moose. "We shall yet see
The day shine forth when all are caught
And boil in waste from industry."
"And what," I asked,"what shall I do?
I long to see this net.filth slain!"
The Moose, he gave me Keyboard true,
And heavy shirt, in mail of chain.
"Be brave!" He said,"You must not fail!
Use postings, poems, and strong E-mail.
You, and your allies on the .Foot
Will blast the net.scum into soot!"
I see my mission now, my goal,
Which I will reach, God help my soul.
Termination of net.freaks
Will occupy my days and weeks.
Until, at last, they all are slain,
When happiness anew abounds
And all across the fruited plain,
Folk will sing great lays in rounds.
To glory go we ever on!
We at alt-dot-bigfoot, the best.
Where even mighty Kubla Khan
Would have his greatest single fest!
So beware, all you net.pimples,
That's Hooten ][, Doc and Two-lip.
For if you dare to make ripples,
>From your fresh corpse your bowels I'll rip!
(Farley)
-----
"Jack"
When he leaves on business trips,
She dreams he is deceased.
It's sure no fun working for,
A man called "Jack the Beast".
She knows not why he runs her down,
To that, she's at a loss.
But sure enough he's back for more,
That mean old man, "Jackboss".
Hurry up, work harder girl,
Productivity is now laggin'.
He's breathing down your back again,
Pressure from "Jack the Dragon".
You try your best, you're working hard,
But Jack's not too realistic.
Cause when he doesn't see results,
He's sure to go "ballistic".
-----
Bigfoot has big feet.
Bigfoot thinks this makes him neat.
Who dares confront him?
-----
"The Goats"
OHHHH, the goats are rising
rising over the horizon
like a hammer ejaculating phlegm
from an unopened armpit wound.
OHHHH, see the goats
as they rise higher and higher
into the pale azure recycling bin
found at the house where i live.
The Goats! The Goats! I scream
From whence do they come?
To shed their coats on the large
canopeners hanging from the ceiling.
OOOhhhhhh, the goats.
(following is a critical examination of "The Goats")
The Goats is both repugnant and ecstatic, much like the song
"You Sex Me Up" would be if played by the dueling denizens of
Appalacia in "Deliverance". The metaphor of a "hammer ejaculating
phlegm from an unopened armpit wound," reminds this critic of a
patient-report from an underfunded ward for the criminally insane.
The oft-repeated imagery of ascending goats strikes resonance
with Mankind achieving grace at the hand of God and of Mr. Alex
rising ever higher in an ill-conceived and ill-fated hydrogen filled
breast zeppelin to battle the metaphysical forces of evil, darkness,
ASH, and himself. The final descent into a solipsistic and
stylistically holographic obscurantism undoubtedly portrays the
Zeitgeist of modern/post-modern conflict in both architecture and
literature as well as the removal of religion from our everyday lives,
leaving the collective soul of Humanity stranded before fate on the
meathook of life, just as Rocky (dazzlingly portrayed by Sylvester
Stalone) beat with his fists the rotting carcasses of dangling and
freshly slaughtered cattle, unwillingly and unknowingly sacrificed on
the alter of "technology" or "techne", thus symbolizing the ubiquitous
Angst of Heidegger's "Ek-sistenz". My emotional and intellectual being
(or should I say "self"?) is left bifurcated with intense yet opposing
chords of insouciant atomism and unanticipated redundancy. It would
also be better if you threw in some moose.
Q28. When exactly was alt.bigfoot created?
alt.bigfoot was officially created on April 15 1993 by the one and only
true Supreme Commander, Robert Trent.
He instructed a subordinate to issue these prophetic control messages:
>From ne...@saturn.wwc.edu Thu Apr 15 14:19:16 1993
>Control: newgroup alt.bigfoot
>Newsgroups: alt.bigfoot
>Path: uunet!newsstand.cit.cornell.edu!cornell!uw-beaver!news.u.washington.edu!saturn.wwc.edu!news
>From: ne...@saturn.wwc.edu (Net News Admin)
>Subject: newgroup alt.bigfoot
>Message-ID: <1993Apr15....@saturn.wwc.edu>
>Organization: Walla Walla College
>Date: Thu, 15 Apr 1993 17:01:50 GMT
>Approved: ne...@wwc.edu
>Lines: 1
>Xref: uunet control:607869
>
>Non_empty.
The subordinate, being unwise and spitefull, rebelled and attempted to
undo the mighty deed:
>From ne...@saturn.wwc.edu Mon Apr 26 01:55:28 1993
>Control: rmgroup alt.bigfoot
>Newsgroups: alt.bigfoot
>Path: uunet!decwrl!decwrl!usenet.coe.montana.edu!news.uoregon.edu!netnews.nwnet.net!saturn.wwc.edu!news
>From: ne...@saturn.wwc.edu (Net News Admin)
>Subject: rmgroup alt.bigfoot
>Message-ID: <1993Apr21....@saturn.wwc.edu>
>Organization: Walla Walla College
>Date: Wed, 21 Apr 1993 15:47:02 GMT
>Approved: ne...@wwc.edu
>Lines: 1
>Xref: uunet control:615550
>
>With great chagrin.
He was then terminated on April 27th, 1993.
Unfortunately, he choked to death on a Rice Crispie and ended up face
down in a bowl of milk. He wasn't there for long.. how can we tell?
Because blood tests revealed the time of death? NO, because the rice
crispies were still snapping, crackling and popping.
When we found him, a CAT was lapping up the milk on his face. Maybe that
explains the connection between bigfoot and CATS! As for the connection
between bigfoot and MOOSE.. well, as I have mentioned in a.b, Bigfoot
actually uses a lot of moose to style his hair. Therefore, the equation
is thus:
CATS ~ BIGFOOT ~ MOOSE!
Q29. What's this we hear about the Kids in the Hall?
I was watching The Kids in the Hall (a Canadian comedy team) Monday. They
have a running gag with this "It's a fact" girl who runs up to the camera
and gives you some little known fact. Monday's gag was...
"It's a fact, the Bigfoot has a wonderful singing voice." Cut away to
Bigfoot who beautifully sings a line of opera. The "It's a fact" girl
returns with tears in her eyes... "Wasn't that beautiful!"
I'm wondering what Bigfootdamus would say about this. Was this comedy
group ridiculing the peaceful yet secretive life of Bigfoot, or were they
paying homage to the noble one and seeking his favor? I have no idea how
to contact the Kids in the Hall to request that they clarify their skit
or write some moose poems.
Q30. Where is the great Farleymeister?
[Next] [Previous] [Index]
Every once in a while you have to move on in life. I am unfortunately at
that point in my life now. I am forced by circumstances beyond my control
to give up netting for a time. Surely, you will all see me again in the
future, but this account, "d3e...@selway.umt.edu", will always have a
special place in my heart. Now, for the flamers who are doubtlessly
lurking in their fetid corners, I have this to say, "HA!" Until you
return, we lift our Kokanee is a hearty salute! All together now,
"MOOSE!"
Q31. What is the official alt.Bigfoot disclaimer?
We the official members of alt.bigfoot (check the FAQ I) do not in anyway
represent our places of business or universities of study. Our opinions
expressed in alt.bigfoot are our own and not represenative of all the
readers in the Internet.
I personally encourage each and everyone of you to remember what "fun"
means and to pinch yourself back to reality if you have forgotten that a
whole world functions without ever seeing the nets.
Q32. Any other wise words wrt whiners ?
Yes, I'm reminded of some fine words from the Internet Yellow Pages:
---------- excerpt from internet yellow pages ----------
Censorship: Or what should I do when I am offended?
I promise you that, sooner or later, something on the Internet will
offend you. Indeed, something in this catalog may offend you. Please
don't let this bother you.
The Internet is the largest gathering of human beings ever assembled and
one of the ground rules is that there is No-One-In-Charge, which means
that there is no censorship. This freedom is the prime reason that the
Internet has become so important and why there are so many diverse
resources.
Still, some people have a little trouble getting used to such license.
Eventually, we all come to realize that if we don't like something we can
ignore it. For example, if you are reading the articles of a Usenet
newsgroup and you encounter one that you find particularly offensive, you
can skip it. However, for some new users the temptation to complain is
too strong.
So someone complains... "Yes I do believe in freedom of expression, but
comparing the President of the U.S. to a retarded Nazi feminist minority
member with AIDS is just too much and should not be allowed. After all we
must remember that using the Internet is a privilege and not a right, and
that if people like you continue to pollute the network with igorant
racist, dangerous opinions, the Internet will be taken away and...blah,
blah ,blah....."
Well now. All that diatribe means is that, as an Internet user, the
writer is still immature. I assure you that no one, anywhere, will pay
the least bit of attention to a self-righteous pronouncement of what is
right or wrong. So, should you ever run into such a person, remind them
gently that the best part of the Internet is its diversity, and that
tolerance of other people's opinions and ways of thinking is a virtue.
Indeed if there is one Internet Golden rule it is:
CENSOR YOURSELF, NOT OTHERS!
Realistically, we all come to learn that we can't do anything about how
other people use Internet, so there is no point even trying. The idea is
to share and enjoy. And if you don't like something, forget about it!
---------- excerpt from internet yellow pages ----------
Wise words ... and good words to live by.
Q33. What about work ??
What about it ??
Well, here is the alt.bigfoot guide to work:
The (alt.bigfoot) guide to work
1. ... slack for 6 months ... get a bad reputation. Everyone hates
you. Keep your eyes *open*.
2. See a problem you know the solution to, but everyone else is
dumbfounded by it. This is the key.
3. Declare: "The problem is solvable but it might take six to nine
months, or cost you $34638746348636 for the resources required.
I'll see what I can do, but no promises".
4. Solve problem in two days, *BUT DON'T TELL ANYONE*.
5. Slack for 3 months. Read and posts lots to a.b (and elsewhere).
6. Announce you have solved the problem by working really hard, and
you need a one month holiday to recuperate.
7. Go on holiday (but take an extra 2 weeks, you deserve it) and then
go to 1.
Q34. What is the Bigfoot Shuffle^(tm) ??
The Bigfoot Shuffle^(tm) is simply described (in answer and question
format) as follows:
Q. What do I do when I continually get harrassed by some loser over email ??
A. That's easy ! Get out the old mail filter software and try this one
out for size:
if (from = "evil-...@up.yours.com") then
Forward postm...@up.yours.com
if (from = "postm...@up.yours.com" or from = "ro...@up.yours.com") then
Forward evil-...@up.yours.com
Q. I thought sending hate email to sys-admins was a direct violation of
one of the Bigfoot Ten Commandments ??
A. Yes !!! But you are not mailing your evil enemies sysadmin, (s)he is !
If they want to mailbomb their own sys-admin, it is hardly something that
alt dot bigfoot will interfere with. (Remember, *you* set up your
mail filter but technically your machine is just doing a public service
for you).
Q35. What's the deal with Norway ??
Well, Norway being "over there" isn't worth nothin', and they wouldn't
ever be mentioned, except they like mooses.
OK, so now Norway is now part of alt dot bigfoot (strong and free). I was
thinking that maybe Paal would conquer it for us (as a means of gaining
entrance into our holy group, but it seems he is dilly-dallying. Again).
Plus, it's much easier to just claim we own Norway, and put it in the
FAQ. Netnews is much more serious and much more powerful than trivial
things like elected governments (blah blah blah), and since alt dot
bigfoot (strong and free) is the rightful owner of net-land, that makes
us owners of Norway. Besides, who can argue with that kind of stunning
logic.
However, as a member of alt dot bigfoot (strong and free), Norway must
promise to:
-continue protecting mooses;
-boot Paal out OUT O-U-T if he starts becoming all cutesy with alt dot
flame (pathetic and weak) or anyone on alt dot flame (pathetic and
weak); and
-quit killing all them whales (if they really wanna kill something,
kill cats ! (but alt dot bigfoot doesn't condone cat killing, of
course);
Norway will be protected by alt dot bigfoot (strong and free) against any
hostile forces. The Norwegian (puppet) government has been sent the
secret plans to NGN and may use NGN in the defence of her borders.
Congratulations Norway (but beware, you can be booted out really soon) !!!
Q36. What's the deal with rec.pets.cats ??
OK, so we go over there and kick butt and conquer r.p.c *fair and
square*. Right ?? The invasion is over, so we post the standard "we won,
no hard feelings, we own r.p.c, see ya all later" post as follows:
INVASION IS OVER (ALT DOT BIGFOOT IS VICTORIOUS)
OK, alt dot bigfoot won again, does any group stand a chance at matching
wits against the mighty foot ? I think not. You have been annexed by alt
dot bigfoot.
Anyway, we are off now, we won't bother your fine group anymore. If you
have any problems in the future, I promise to come and help you clean the
trash off of your fine group.
By the way, if it is any consolation, everything *I* said was true. I
have a cat, named Kashmir, and all those problems were real and I thank
you for the help. I'll probably hang around here and make sure all the
other trash that showed up leaves (half the nonsense posted wasn't even
from our talented forces).
If that wasn't consolation enough, then maybe this is: I must say that I
agree that invasions are a little bit childish, and I think talking about
'cat-killing' may have gone a bit far. We are supposed to deal in dis-
information, and it is *supposed* to be mostly humorous (for both sides).
If that wasn't consolation enough, drop by alt dot bigfoot, we are having
a Parade very shortly, and maybe we'll buy all you nice folks tea and
crumpets.
If that still wasn't consolation enough, how about a mono-syllabic moose
haiku:
Mono-Syllabic Moose Haiku
=========================
So, the cat did lose
I, the moose of war, said so
We kick with big feet
If that *still* isn't consolation enough, you'll be happy to know that
the dregs of net-society, alt dot flame decided to invade our fine little
group and wreak havoc. Whereas we speak of noble things such as fine
poetry and bigfoots, those trashy types talk with the mouths of
construction workers.
== end of excerpt ==
So, you think that would end it and they would come over an congratulate
us on our fine combat skills right ?? No. They decide that bigfoots and
mooses are evil.
So then Sharon H phones the cops, and posts this (on 31 Jan 94 08:30):
UPDATE ON CAT-KILLER ROBERT TRENT
Update on the Robert Trent "Moose the Cat" murderer:
Yesterday, Jan. 30, Staff Srgt. J Westman of the RCMP called to give me
an update regarding Robert Trent (Robbie) and his actions regarding the
killing of his girlfriend's cat. He is a synopsis of what he said.
Srgt. Westman said he had discussed the posting made by Mr. Trent to
rec.pets.cats in regard to the supposed killing of this cat. Srgt.
Westman said, in his own words, "the guy was all shook up" over having
been called in on this matter. Srgt. Westman said he had determined there
was no cat, no girlfriend. He further said, "I am convinced this guy has
a really weird sense of humor. He is a real sick weird-o". Srgt. Westman
asked that I tell those concerned people on the Net he would not tolerate
this sort of behavior from people in his jurisdiction and any other such
"sick" postings from this man should be reported ASAP. Srgt.Westman is a
very concerned person over this sort of thing, takes it very seriously,
and is determined to not have this sort of psychological terrorism
continue in areas under his command. I had printed out all the postings
by Mr. Trent and all the comments from cat-people over this matter and
Next Day UPS'd it to Srgt. Westman. He said he discussed these postings
"page by page" with "Robbie" and demanded under threat of further action
that these posts cease. He did not say what sort of action, but from
Srgt. Westman's voice, I could tell the man is very serious this further
action. I cannot emphasis how much concern this man has show over the
welfare of an animal and how gratifying this has been to me as a
cat-person. Though I live over four thousand miles from British Columbia,
Srgt. Westman took this just as serious as if I had been living in his
area and had reported a murder. I can only imagine how it must be living
in an area where the police show this level of concern.
I have sent Srgt. Westman a thank you card for his time and concern
though a card seems woefully inadequate considering all the time he has
put into this case. If anyone of you would like to send him a note as
well, please do so at the following address:
Staff Sergeant J. Westman
RCMP, Burnaby Detachment
635 Deer Lake Avenue
Burnaby, BC V5G2J2
Thanks to all of you for your help in this matter. Maybe we can
discourage other sickies from invading our peaceful kingdom thanks to
people like Srgt. Westman.
Sharon and the furries
== end of Sharon's post ==
Anyway, rather than helping matters, her kooky tactics simply attracted
net-freaks net-wide. R.p.c is still buring to this day (May 18, 1994).
The moral of the story ? Don't mess with the Supreme Commander.
Q37. Were Nostradamus and Bigfootdamus pals ??
The Prophecies of Nostradamus
Could he be talking about alt.bigfoot?
Here are a few actual prophecies of Nostradamus:
News; unexpected and heavy News Group Nuke?
rain will suddenly prevent
two armies. Stones and fire
from the sky will make a
sea of stones. The death of
the seven suddenly by land
and sky.
When the animal tamed by man Grumpy Moose?
begins to speak after great or
efforts and difficulty, the
lightning so harmful to the
rod will be taken from the
earth and suspended in the air. A cat which is hung?
The faint voice of a woman is Sharon H?
heard under the holy ground.
Human flame shines for the
divine voice. It will cause
the earth to be stained with the
blood of celibates and destroy
the holy temples for the wicked.
At the foot of the great fallen (the foot) Alt.bigfoot??
arc, the friend is captured (captured) Supreme Commander?
forestalled by the leader. A
woman will bear a son whos face (woman) Mrs. Bigfoot giving
and forehead are covered with birth to big hairy
hair. Bigfoot?
The bones of Cato found in Barcelona, Bones of a cat?
placed, discovered, the site found again
and ruined. The great one who holds but
does not hold, wants harmony, drizzle at Sharon H?
the abbey.
Complaints and tears, cries and great Net.cops complaining?
howls, near Narbonne. Oh what dreadful
calamities and changes before Mars
has revolved a few times.
Happy in the kingdom of France, happy SC's visit to France?
in life, ignorant of blood and death,
anger and rage. By a flattering name (flattering name)
he will be envied. Supreme Commander?
I'll let you be the judge!
== end of part 2 ==
--
Bulldog Tenacity
John Hausmann
Bulldog (wi...@io.com) wrote:
: Archive-name: bigfoot/part1
: Posting-Frequency: every 7 days
: Last-modified: 1996/1/17
Last official postings to a.b by the 'footers: Uh, sometime in '95.
: Version: 1737.9
: An html (Web) version is also available at http://www.io.com/~wilf/bigfoot/
[a pitiful 1200+ lines deleted.]
Sorry bub, you guys vacated the premises. Squatters rights and all.
<guffaw>
--
The sagacious reader who is capable of reading between these lines what does
not stand written in them, but is nevertheless implied, will be able to form
some conception.
-Goethe. Truth and Beauty
James M. Farley II
John Hausmann (haus...@netcom.com) wrote:
: Bulldog (wi...@io.com) wrote:
: : Archive-name: bigfoot/part1
: : Posting-Frequency: every 7 days
: : Last-modified: 1996/1/17
: Last official postings to a.b by the 'footers: Uh, sometime in '95.
: : Version: 1737.9
: : An html (Web) version is also available at http://www.io.com/~wilf/bigfoot/
: [a pitiful 1200+ lines deleted.]
: Sorry bub, you guys vacated the premises. Squatters rights and all.
: <guffaw>
Who vacated? I have been here all along, watching the monkeys here get
so bored they have had to resort to CASCADES for crying out loud. Now
THAT was pitiful.
: --
: The sagacious reader who is capable of reading between these lines what does
: not stand written in them, but is nevertheless implied, will be able to form
: some conception.
: -Goethe. Truth and Beauty
I want my daddy!
- John "Boytoy" Dobbs
- The Farleymeister, Meister of Farleyburg and Cheese pizza.
john d.
James M. Farley II (d3e...@nextel.net) wrote:
: Now THAT was pitiful.
That's what I said to your mom, the last time I fucked her.
She loved it.
--
....take a look at the newsgroup alt.bigfoot.
The whole newsgroup is now really ruined by John and friends' terror..
-- paa...@stud.cs.uit.no
John Hausmann
: : : Posting-Frequency: every 7 days
: : : Last-modified: 1996/1/17
: : Last official postings to a.b by the 'footers: Uh, sometime in '95.
: : : Version: 1737.9
: : : An html (Web) version is also available at http://www.io.com/~wilf/bigfoot/
: : [a pitiful 1200+ lines deleted.]
: : Sorry bub, you guys vacated the premises. Squatters rights and all.
: : <guffaw>
: Who vacated? I have been here all along, watching the monkeys here get
: so bored they have had to resort to CASCADES for crying out loud. Now
: THAT was pitiful.
Cascades serve their purpose. Usually a resident posts to his or her
newsgroup, fuckwit. Lurkers don't count.
Wotan
Hey Poodle!
Here is one you missed:
Who is the moderator of alt.bigfoot?
--
Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.