The adventures of Zecke, the secret police dog
Raoul Dombart
("Your contents start to feel warm and crispy, your con-
tents start to feel...") with the paramagnetic "hug me or
be eaten, please" look of her eyes. She's so clever.
Btw, the potato chips were lying on that pink sofa at the
midget headquarters, so you could say they were real couch-
potatoes. They decided to toss themselves into bof's mouth
nevertheless. Poor Zecke.
Driving home later that night, I was stopped by a police
patrol. Although the officer said, one of the tail lights
didn't work, I'm suspicious. I think someone must have de-
nounced me...
R.D.
--
/\ Coming soon: CFD: alt.zecke.the.secret.policedog NOW !
/..\ I like to drink coffee before I go to bed, so I can dream faster.
/_\/_\ dom...@muli.saar.sub.org
James 'Kibo' Parry
>This night Zecke tried to hypnotize a bag of potato chips
>("Your contents start to feel warm and crispy, your con-
>tents start to feel...") with the paramagnetic "hug me or
>be eaten, please" look of her eyes. She's so clever.
Spot wanted to sue! But he couldn't--he's JUST a DOG! Poor Spot! He cried.
Spot wants you to read these cheerful, gentle, fun stories about Spot,
the happy fluffy perky little puppy who keeps falling into heavy machinery.
Rated PG-13 for eternal violence, the price of freedom. If you read
rec.pets.dogs press "n" RIGHT NOW.
These may appear in a collected volume of Spot Tales someday, so I'd better
be a copyright weenie and tell you that they're (C) 1992.
-- K.
SPOT'S SHOT BY THE SWAT SQUAD FOR PUTTING LOTS OF POT THROUGH A SLOT INTO A PIT
===============================================================================
Spot cried as the machine-gun bullets instantaneously and
permanently separated his mind from his body. With his last dying
breath, he tried to say the tongue-twister in the title, but he
swallowed his tongue instead. Everything went dark. Spot was dead
again!
Death, for Spot, was like staring at a photo of Erin Moran for all
eternity. However, what Spot didn't know what that the whole Universe
had been a dream of his. When he died, everyone else ceased to exist
instantly!
Spot gazed upon the beautiful face of Erin Moran and figured that
his death wasn't such a bad thing because it had probably saved the
lives of all those people he would have sold the tainted marijuana to.
Little did he know that all of them, including Erin Moran, were not
only gone, but apathetic.
ALSO WATCH FOR THESE FOLLOWING DEATHS OF SPOT:
Spot's Underwear Gets Caught In The VCR's Rewinder
Spot Falls Off A Cliff Onto A Hydrogen Bomb
Spot Plays Patrick MacNee's Bowler On "The Avengers"
Spot Creates A Nuclear Winter In His Living Room
Spot's Phosphorus Heartburn
Spot Visits The Cheez Whiz Factory And Becomes Spot Whiz
Spot Ghostwrites For "The Flying Nun"
Spot Gives Col. Blake A Lift In His Chopper
Spot Is Revealed To Be A Secret Surrealist
Andrew Spot Clay
Spot Undergoes Spontaneous Germanation And Has To Eat Sauerkraut
Spot's Broken Glass Romp
Escape Artist Spot Mistakes His String File For His Dental Floss
Escape Artist Spot Mistakes His Dental Floss For His String File
Spot Mistakes His Hat For A Wife
Spot Piddles On The Bug-Zapper
2000 FLUSHES
============
Spot, after putting a 2000 Flushes blue dyes dispenser in his toilet,
was disappointed that the water ceased to be raspberry-flavored blue
Kool-Aid after the first 1999 flushes. He sued and won a million
dollars.
He used the money to finance research into a new invention: an
intravenous blue dye dispenser that would turn any one into an
authentic (and hygenic) blueblood. He stuck the tube from his
prototype into his left front leg and watched as he gradually turned
blueberry-color.
The funny thing is that everything looked blue, too, as the pigment
soaked into his eyeballs. "Wow! Radical ultramarine!" he gushed.
Just then, all theaters in the world started showing only 3-D
movies, and Spot could only see through the blue part of the glasses!
He cried.
DAVID LETTERMAN PRESENTS: STUPID PET TRICKS
===========================================
Spot balanced a corner of the cinder block on his soft little nose. As
the cameras filmed everything in slow motion, red fluid spurted from
his ears as his head was mashed into his neck! It got a standing
ovation. Dave was very jealous.
SPOT'S ELASTIC WASTEBAND
========================
Spot's pretentious art-rock post-funk group, "Elastic Wasteband", was
performing at Chez Whiz in Roxbury. Across the street, the New Kids On
The Block were playing to a sellout crowd at an enormous stadium.
Spot's audience had three people in it. Spot's band had four dogs
in it. Spot cried into his sousaphone during the first number, with
the amp picking up the sobs and distorting them into a ninety-decibel
thump-thump noise.
Just then, William Shatner walked into Chez Whiz and demanded to be
allowed to sing with the band. He asked them to play "Lucy In The Sky
With Mr. Tambourine Man" at half speed four times. They did, and he
sang. The smoke generator accidentally ignited Shatner's hair, and the
fumes from the burning plastic made Spot's cry even harder. The
performance was RUINED!
Suddenly, the stadium with the New Kids and fifty thousand of their
fans was destroyed by a terrorist bomb. Maybe it wasn't such a bad day
after all. Spot and the band broke into "Don't Worry, Be Happy", so
Bobby McFerrin killed them with a giant cranberry.
(and from the period where Spot was very dead:)
SPOT'S BEDPAN
=============
Poor Spot was dead. At the auction of his estate, the item which
brought the highest bid was a genuine Ming dynasty porcelain bedpan,
which was bought by a little old lady from Schenectady. It went for
$5.75. Mrs. Eleanor Fleener took the prized relic home and took a nap.
Word-processed for your reading pleasure: one dead dog, one shiny
old bedpan, one bump old lady, and a genie who has not yet made his
appearance. Eleanor Fleener does not know the dark secret involved
here, but the bedpan is really a one-way ticket on an express train to
a place where sleeping dogs lie but dead dogs tell know lies... the
Twilight Zone.
(eedle deedle, eedle deedle, eedle deedle, eedle deedle)
When she awoke, Eleanor planted some marigolds in the old bedpan.
Noticing that she had gotten a speck of peat on its surface, she rubbed
it away. In a cloud of beige smoke, a genie appeared.
"I AM MERV, THE GENIE OF THE BEDPAN. WHAT IS YOUR WISH, O MRS.
ELEANOR FLEENER?"
"Um... well... I'm perfectly happy as is, thank you. Now that I've
completed my collection of antique bedpans, my life is complete, and
there is nothing more I could possibly want."
"WHAT? NOT MONEY? NOT POWER? NOT SEX? NOT EVEN A REMEDY FOR
HAIRBALLS?"
"No, no, no. Fluffy doesn't get hairballs any more. Why don't you
give the wish to someone who leads a miserable, depressing subnormal
sham of a life, like my neighbor Harvey Smitts? His dog Spot just died
horribly, you know. It would have been a tragedy if it hadn't been
just a dog."
"OKAY, MRS. FLEENER, I WILL GO TO MR. SMITTS. HAVE A NICE DAY."
The genie winked out, and then poofed in next door.
Harvey gaped at the genie. "Who are you?"
"MY NAME IS MERV AND YOU ARE GRANTED ONE WISH, MR. SMITTS."
"Hmm... can I have some time to decide?"
"IS THAT THE WISH?"
"No."
"OKAY, TAKE A FEW MINUTES TO MAKE UP YOUR MIND. I CAN SWING IT."
"I could wish for my beloved dead dog, Spot, to return to life.
But I'm kind of hungry, and an ice cream cone now would be nice."
"MR. SMITTS, IT WOULD BE SILLY TO WASTE YOUR WISH ON AN ICE CREAM
CONE."
"You're right. I'd better make it ten million ice cream cones.
I'll go with that."
Merv grinned. "ARE YOU SURE? YOU'LL BE SOR-RY!"
"Yes. Ten million ice cream cones. Five million with sprinkles.
Assorted flavors."
"YOUR DEMAND IS MY COMMAND." With a giant ZING the genie vanished
and ten million ice cream cones flooded into Harvey's living room.
Everything was covered with melting ice cream (half of it with
sprinkles.) And the stinker is that the flavors the genie picked were
bugberry, pond cheese, koala, Styropickle, trilobite, trilutefiskium,
tricycle seat, and dog. Harvey cried!
From somewhere beyond the grave, Spot whined for an ice cream cone,
even a dog one, but he was too dead to ever interact with the material
world in any way ever again. So there!
:1