BIFF"S BRANE PART III & the very first Deep Space Nine parody?
James 'Kibo' Parry
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STAR TREK: PLAN NINE FROM DEEP SPACE
or
THE RETERN OF THEY SAVED BIFF"S BRANE PART III !!!
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A K00L STORY !!!!!!!!
BUY KIBIFF !!!!!!!!!1!!
### Deep Space Nine commander's log, stardate 920215. Admiral Wesley
crusher reporting. I have assumed command of this station. In my
first ten minutes in charge of this space station, I have (1) invented
a new propulsion system, (2) acted as matchmaker for a trio of aliens
from the Planet of The Four Sexes, (3) solved Fermat's Last Theorem,
(4) almost kissed my first girl, and (5) saved Deep Space Nine from
falling into the black hole through judicious application of a gravity
slingshot made from my underwear. Now, I am about to take a break from
all this work, by going down to the lab to synthesize retroviral RNA
protein-coding sequences. ###
Wesley wandered weenily down the corridor to his vast laboratory,
passing the transporter room, Sickbay, and the new improved holodeck
(now with odors!) He powered up his futuristic non-high-definition
video monitor, booted up his futuristic 68020-based Mac II, and pulled
his futuristic ill-fitting shirt into position.
He was going to try to clone the late Tasha Yar's half-Romulan
daughter's evil twin's time-hiatused younger self's robot duplicate's
Klingon lover, to bring Tasha back from the grave again. He ran his
fingers down the shelf of germ cultures, to find the proper Petri dish:
Streptococci * BIOHAZARD
Andromeda Strain * BIOHAZARD
Romulan ale-making yeast * BIOHAZARD
Pond Scum * BORING
AIDS * BIOHAZARD
Silicobacter Wieneri * BIOHAZARD
Spam culture * BIOHAZARD
Tasha Yar * SEXY
BIFF * BIOHAZARD
As Wesley reached for Tasha's dish, Captain Picard (Wesley's
second-in-command) strolled into the room and distracted him. Wesley
gaped. Some evil force had Krazy-Glued a bad toupee to the captain's
cranium!
"WESLEY, GET THIS THING OFF ME!" Picard bellowed in perfect
Shakespearean cadence, while adjusting his ill-fitting shirt. Wesley
grabbed a phaser and fired. The toupee was instantaneously converted
to energy and vanished. The captain and his scalp were, of course,
unharmed. Picard thanked him and left.
Wesley put the dish into the clone synthesizer, not realizing that
Tasha's genetic material was still on the shelf. Moments later, BIFF
stepped out.
"HEY D00D !!!1 THANX A MILI0N 4 CL0NING ME !!!!!!!11" said Biff at
normal volume.
Wesley screamed and ran.
(LOUD FANFARE)
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STAR TREK: PLAN NINE FROM DEEP SPACE
or
THE RETERN OF THEY SAVED BIFF"S BRANE PART III !!!
**************************************************
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(COMMERCIALS)
Wesley ran for the transporter room. His only hope was to lure
BIFF onto the dematerialization thingie and beam him into the black
hole down the street.
However, BIFF failed to follow him. The BIFFster header for the
main computer nexus instead.
The Daystrom Quasitronic M-80 processor filled an entire room. It
was a computer composed of a vast neural net to which human engrams had
been copied. Dianetic technicians audited the computer constantly to
track the engrams.
BIFF sat down at a console and logged in.
#PSUMTS MTS at PSU -- Penn State University
$SIGNON BIFF
#Enter password.
?BIFF
#This signon ID expired more than three hundred
#years ago.<<<Call Cleared>>>
BIFF cried! Now he would never again be able to post to Usenet!
And worse, he had missed three hundred years of alt.flame! In a fit of
rage, he ripped the network cable from the wall and flung the end of it
out the window. The cable fell into the black hole, and along it, all
of Usenet was sucked in! All the thousands of groups and sub.groups
and sub.sub.sub.sub.sub.groups vanished forever! He adjusted his
ill-fitting shirt.
Just then, Spock entered the room and gave BIFF the Vulcan Nerd
Pinch. BIFF collapsed like a bag of cow livers.
Spock picked him up with rubber gloves and carried him to the
transporter room. He dumped BIFF onto a de-mat platform Wesley
energized the unit. Suddenly, just as BIFF began to sparkle, he woke
up, and grabbed Wesley's Gumby hairdo. BIFF and Wesley both vanished!
Spock worked the transporter controls frantically to bring them
back--he HAD to save Wesley, because Wesley was the only person in the
whole Universe smarter than Spock. With a sound like a vacuum cleaner
swallowing its tongue, the transporter reversed. One set of sparkles
re-appeared as someone materialized...
"HEY THEIR MISTER SP0K !!!!111 IM WESBIFF !!!!!! I FEEL LIEK A
NEW D00D !!!!!!1 H0W R U ????/"
Spock screamed.
(LOUD FANFARE)
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STAR TREK: PLAN NINE FROM DEEP SPACE
or
THE RETERN OF THEY SAVED BIFF"S BRANE PART III !!!
**************************************************
************************************
(COMMERCIALS)
### Commander's Log, stardate 920216. Due to a transporter
malfunction, I have been merged with a twentieth-century parasite
called BIFF. Fortunately, this log had been pre-recorded a month ago,
as in my present state I am obviously incapable of higher reasoning.
"HEY D00D D0 U N0 ANY VULCAN GIRLZ ????? IM H0RNY !!!!!1" WesBIFF
asked Spock. Spock adjusted his shirt as he fainted.
WesBIFF got into the turbolift and pushed all the buttons. He got
off on the next deck to look for a restroom.
There weren't any.
In a few days, WesBIFF exploded, and everyone was happy again.
Unfortunately, one small fragment of WesBIFF was hurled into the black
hole. It emerged on the far side of the galaxy, collided with Voyager
Seven and was reborn as WesBIFFger, then travelled through time and
mated with the late Tasha Yar to produce WesBIFFgerYar, but then the
Borg absorbed WesBIFFgarYar, and then RoboWesBIFFgerYar accidentally
destroyed the Universe with his underwear.
(LOUD FANFARE)
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************************************
STAR TREK: PLAN NINE FROM DEEP SPACE
or
THE RETERN OF THEY SAVED BIFF"S BRANE PART III !!!
**************************************************
************************************
(COMMERCIALS)
Mr. Data fed his cat Spot and said, "Well, I guess now our problems
are cat-alyzed." Everyone laughed.
(FADE OUT)
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James "Kibo" Parry 271 Dartmouth St #3D, Boston MA 02116 (617)262-3922
ki...@world.std.com Independent graphic designer and typeface designer.