Teenaged mothering.
Jessica Lavarnway
Today, buying cigarettes at the local corner store [although one I
hadn't frequented before]. I happened to have my two kids with me.
(Ages: almost four and 4 1/2 months.)
I was chatting with the woman behind the counter, just the usual
shooting-the-shit about the weather, et cetera.
As she rings up the cigarettes, I ask, "Don't you need to see ID?"
[New Hampshire (or maybe it's Federal, I dunno) law says that if you
look under 28, you have to be carded for cigs.]
She sez, "Nope."
As a pure matter of curiosity, I ask, "How old do you think I am?"
She glanced at me, "Oh, I don't know. Maybe thirty, thirty-two?"
I couldn't believe this. I get carded every time I'm WITHOUT my kids.
I handed her my license.
She read it and said, "YOU'RE TWENTY???"
[Actually, I'm nineteen, it not being September yet, but I accepted
twenty as a fair estimate. At least she could subtract.]
I nodded.
"How is it that you have two kids then?"
I just stare at her. This is not in the best of neighborhoods.
Teenaged pregnancy is not unheard of. I gave up after a few seconds
and said, "I had sex."
Which is marginally true, although that doesn't have much to do with
my older daughter, being an adopted stepchild and all. It does have a
lot to do with the conception of #2, however.
And then she said, "But they look so happy, and HEALTHY!?!?!"
You could hear the question in her voice.
Meaning, "If you're 20 (sic) with two kids, how is it that you don't
beat them / starve them / neglect them?"
I do not understand this.
Probably parents under the age of 20 have a worse rate of child
neglect and abuse. They're generally kids themselves.
But the appropriate way to treat the rare woman under the age of
twenty who shows up with two happy and healthy children is as a freak
of nature, someone who must be thirty or so in mind even if she isn't
in body, because there is no way for a teenaged parent not to be
beating their kids?
I was about to mention to her that I'm married, my husband and I own
two cars, and our house [well, the bank owns that, but they let us
live here], and have college courses and military experience under my
belt, and I was a housewife by choice . . . until I saw it was
useless.
I am never going to be credited as what I am as long as they know how
old I am.
Fuck 'em.
Jessica Lavarnway
Fuck it, fight it, it's all the same. -- Sublime, "What I Got"
ObQuestion: Does this mean I'll get more credit than I deserve when
I'm say, fifty or so?
ObQuestion2: Is there much of a market for forty-plus married women
in terms of picking up virile twenty year olds? My husband has
already promised me that when the kids are gone, out of sheer boredom
there is an excellent chance that he'll amuse himself by fucking a
nineteen year old blonde aerobics instructor.
ObApathy: Just leave me the credit cards, and go have as much fun as
you want, buddy. I'll be sure to. And move into your own bedroom
while you're at it.
Jessica Lavarnway
j...@lavarnway.mv.com
http://www.mv.com/ipusers/lavarnway/jal/
He is YOUR god, they are YOUR rules, YOU burn in hell.
Anton Sherwood
: As she rings up the cigarettes, I ask, "Don't you need to see ID?"
:
: [New Hampshire (or maybe it's Federal, I dunno) law says that if you
: look under 28, you have to be carded for cigs.]
I wasn't aware that it's law anywhere, just paranoid store policy.
Peeve: The carding-age for alcohol has been creeping up.
I recently passed a liquor store that said 40.
?Peeve: I've always passed for older than the calendar said.
--
Anton Sherwood -- br0...@p0b0x.com -- http://ogre.nu/
Jim Hill
> [Not carded while buying cigarettes]
>As a pure matter of curiosity, I ask, "How old do you think I am?"
>She glanced at me, "Oh, I don't know. Maybe thirty, thirty-two?"
>She read [DL] and said, "YOU'RE TWENTY???"
It's the law of karmic balance. I'm 32 and two weeks ago I was carded,
which means the bartender thought I was at most 20.
>But the appropriate way to treat the rare woman under the age of
>twenty who shows up with two happy and healthy children is as a freak
>of nature, someone who must be thirty or so in mind even if she isn't
>in body, because there is no way for a teenaged parent not to be
>beating their kids?
Maybe it's because you were buying cigarettes.
Jim
--
"Jerri's a bitch. But she's a bitch who'll be laughing all
the way to the bank." -- Survivor Colby
JustmeĊ½
like, I thought that, you know, I had to saysomething back:
>
>
>ObQuestion: Does this mean I'll get more credit than I deserve when
>I'm say, fifty or so?
The Voice of Experience speaks:
The more weight you gained with your pregnancy, the more likely you look older
than you are, *especially* when you are out with _two_ children.
You may very well start hearing "ma'am" soon, as well. Being tired all the
goddamn time will not help your mood or reaction to this.
Stay in shape, you're young. Soon enough, you _will_ get mistaken for your
childrens' sister (right about high school). I am as old as many of the Moms at
my youngest child's school, yet I've got a college-bound sproggen. While I
still dyed my hair, I was mistaken for her sister; last year while in school
during school hours for a visit with a teacher, I was asked for my hall pass.
Admmittedly, I dress like a kid, usually in jeans & a T-shirt with some oddball
phrase on it (today I arrived to work with one that proclaims, "Bite Me"). I
don't wear makeup, either, so that lack of warpaint might fool some folks. It's
actually one of the reasons why I stopped dying the grey out of my hair; that
faint streak coming off of my right temple is a good indicator of my real age.
>ObQuestion2: Is there much of a market for forty-plus married women
>in terms of picking up virile twenty year olds?
Most men will screw with anything that stays still long enough to mount. Don't
believe me? Look around your neighborhood. Sure they SAY they don't, but then
how to you account for about 80% of the breeding that occurs in the lower
income/education/health care crowd?
--Ginny
"Die Screaming"
--Jonathan Blaque
And knowing is half the battle.
>because there is no way for a teenaged parent not to be
>beating their kids?
>
The latest fun bits in the nooze include a teenaged McDonalds employee who left
her kid in the car for eight hours straight.
Oopsie. [1]
It's a general idiocy most people have, unable to distinguish reality from what
comes out of the neat glowing box in the living room.
[1] ObPeeve: Why didn't any other customer notice?
Jessica Lavarnway
Right.
Actually, I can't smoke until I wean the baby (at least in my
perception). I am not weaning the baby until she's ready.
That means I am having one damned ass long time before I can partake
of any of my chosen mind-altering chemicals.
Even over a year after dropping the cigarettes, I'm STILL cranky and I
still crave one.
I also know that about a week after she refuses to nurse -- that is, I
know it's over, I'm going to probably be back up to half a pack a day.
Jess
ObCigaretteSmokingPeeve: How do YOU think you're going to die,
dumbass? Admittedly, the emphysema thing sucks, but so would getting
your scrotum mangled in plastic-molding equipment, so where's the
diff? It's gonna suck, either way.
ObTesticularProblems: How many guys commit suicide when they realize
that the ol' Ball-And-Johnson Dancing time is over?
rich
>ObCigaretteSmokingPeeve: How do YOU think you're going to die,
>dumbass? Admittedly, the emphysema thing sucks, but so would getting
>your scrotum mangled in plastic-molding equipment, so where's the
>diff? It's gonna suck, either way.
The difference is in the probability.
I'm not One Of Those Sanctimonious Asshole ex-smokers who have to throw it
in everybody's face, I'm just saying I've BT and DT. If I were still smoking
I would say that the probability that I contract emphysema would be a lot
closer to 1.0 than the probability that I get my scrotum mangled in plastic-
molding equipment, of which I have no familiarity.
And the pain thing is, I understand, continuous and chronic with emphysema.
If my balls were whacked, it would be probably greater in magnitude, but over
faster. I'm a chicken when it comes to pain.
>ObTesticularProblems: How many guys commit suicide when they realize
>that the ol' Ball-And-Johnson Dancing time is over?
I'm relatively celibate, and still around, so I would vote "Not me."
--
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
(attributed to Don Marti)
rich
>What does Joe do?
Hmm. Food, if you will, for thought. I honestly don't know.
I know that life is more than getting some tail, but I'm not sure anybody could
explain that to Joe.
Mark Allen
Lavarnway" <j...@lavarnway.mv.com> wrote:
> ObCigaretteSmokingPeeve: How do YOU think you're going to die, dumbass?
> Admittedly, the emphysema thing sucks, but so would getting your
> scrotum mangled in plastic-molding equipment, so where's the diff? It's
> gonna suck, either way.
I only smoke the odd cigar every six-ten months (not to mention I live in
the anti-smoking PRC), so I don't know if I'd consider myself to be a
regular smoker, but my dad smoked at least a pack a day for nearly 40
years. He had to quit when the doctor told him he could either stop
smoking or they'd have to amputate his leg in three months.
(ObILoveMyDad: He quit cold turkey the next day and hasn't smoked for two
years.)
I suppose if I had to choose between losing my leg or my dick, I'd lose my
dick. Wheelchairs suck so much ass. (Heh. I love USENET. I can be so
glib...)
> ObTesticularProblems: How many guys commit suicide when they realize
> that the ol' Ball-And-Johnson Dancing time is over?
ObBadJoke: Um... isn't that what happens when you get married?
FTR, if I met a 20 year-old with two kids who didn't look like she needed
the government cheese I'd probably gape in awe or fear (both, most likely)
too.
My current Spooge Receptacle teaches elementary school. There's a student
in her class who is 10, whose mother is 24 and HAS TWO MORE KIDS.
There's no wonder why some of these kids have discipline problems, will
hardly ever read and probably end up getting their nuts chewed up in an
industrial accident.
Mark
--
"If you can dream it, you can do it." -- Walt Disney "This is false." --
Larry Wall
Jim Hill
>ObCigaretteSmokingPeeve: How do YOU think you're going to die,
>dumbass?
Stroke, probably. Maybe a heart attack. Possible motor vehicle
accident or plane crash. Slight risk of homicide.
Jym Dyer
> die, dumbass?
=v= Probably from inhaling some second-hand smoke from those
extremelymoronicass smokers. If not that, then probably due
to something done by tobacco-industry-supported politicians.
(Every cigarette you buy or bum is a campaign contribution to
Jesse Helms.)
> Admittedly, the emphysema thing sucks, but so would getting
> your scrotum mangled in plastic-molding equipment, so where's
> the diff? It's gonna suck, either way.
=v= I'm a nudist, so my scrotum and I take great comfort in
the fact that plastic-molding-equipment-free zones are the rule,
rather than the poorly-implemented-while-whining exception.
=v= You may want to take a closer look at "the emphysema thing."
Most people don't know that it leads to, say, reliance on an
inhaler that sprays steroids all over your mouth, turning your
natural bacteria into Schwarzenegger supermicrobes, which must
then be treated with McBain superantibiotics, which make you
barf and give you diarrhea. You've come a long way, baby.
<_Jym_>
Bob O`Bob
>
> If that's not possible, I'd like to be at the controls of an airplane
> trailing a sheet of flame as it crashes into the White House.
Heh. That would help make up for it a bit.
> Of course, they'd probably use my hi skul graduation photo
> in the next day's noozepaper.
Always with the negative waves, Moriarty!
Yeah, that thought would probably shock me out of it, too.
!Peeve: the trouble I've stirred up with this signature.
It's something I found here; I think it's Frans to whom I owe thanks.
Bob
--
begin GetARealNewsreader.jpg.vbs
I'm a signature virus. Copy me! Look here why:
http://support.microsoft.com/support/kb/articles/Q265/2/30.ASP
end
Julian Macassey
Strayhorn <k...@duke.edu> wrote:
>In article <9e166h$h...@boofura.swcp.com>, jim...@swcp.com (Jim Hill)
>wrote:
>
>> Jessica Lavarnway wrote:
>>
>> >ObCigaretteSmokingPeeve: How do YOU think you're going to die,
>> >dumbass?
>>
>> Stroke, probably. Maybe a heart attack. Possible motor vehicle
>> accident or plane crash. Slight risk of homicide.
>
>and die with your boots on.
>
>If that's not possible, I'd like to be at the controls of an airplane
>trailing a sheet of flame as it crashes into the White House.
I know how I do NOT want to die. Sitting in a wheel chair
over a pool of urine (mine).
Should I start getting that way, I am going to wheel
myself over to the supermarket. Find the aisle with the
"incontinence supplies" and blow my brains out there. As my life
seeps away I want to hear "Clean up aisle 3" over the PA.
Ob!Peeve: My current employer is working on a device to handle
female incontinence. So there is hope. Let's hope they have
something for the drooling too.
--
I'm convinced that the average IQ of North America could be raised
significantly by eliminating every 'journalist' in the country. Rob Slaven
JustmeĊ½
4DD8FC.153...@news.duke.edu> , and like, I
> >
> > >ObCigaretteSmokingPeeve: How do YOU think you're going to die,
> > >dumbass?
> >
> > Stroke, probably. Maybe a heart attack. Possible motor vehicle
> > accident or plane crash. Slight risk of homicide.
>
> and die with your boots on.
>
> If that's not possible, I'd like to be at the controls of an airplane
> trailing a sheet of flame as it crashes into the White House.
>
>
a man, preferably my husband; but if he dies first I'll
have to find someone else to screw me dead.
Any other way is simply unacceptable.
--Ginny
"Die Screaming."
--Jonathan Blaque
JustmeĊ½
like, said in article <20010517033450.11256.00000161@ng-
mp1.aol.com> , and like, I thought that, you know, I had
to say something back:
> The latest fun bits in the nooze include a teenaged McDonalds employee who left
> her kid in the car for eight hours straight.
>
> Oopsie. [1]
>
> It's a general idiocy most people have, unable to distinguish reality from what
> comes out of the neat glowing box in the living room.
>
> [1] ObPeeve: Why didn't any other customer notice?
Years ago I had a part time job as the poor slob who
changes the advertising on shopping carts. This job
entails going from cart to cart in rain, sleet & snow;
during one VERY cold & snowy night, I was out hunting up
stray carts at a supermarket parking lot, when I heard a
noise from a nearby car. The car was covered with snow,
obviously there for a while; one of the windows was open
a crack.
I pushed away the snow, and saw a baby in a car carrier.
The baby couldn't have been more than 4 months old. It
was screaming it's lungs out and I could see that it was
pretty goddamn cold; with each cry, you could see its'
breath--so it was just as cold in the car as it was
outside.
Being the responsible 'adult' I was, I ran to a payphone
and called 911. Cops arrived at the car right about the
same time the mother came out...from work.
They admonished her, and let her take the baby home. I
was fucking floored. At the time I was 20, and had a
baby just a little older than the one in the car. Even
though _I_ was earning minimum wage myself, I made sure
_my_ kid was being watched (thanks, Mom!) and safe. This
broad, who was OLDER than me, thought keeping a kid
outside in a fucking blizzard was adequate child care,
and the POLICE apparently concurred, because they let her
go home with the baby.
Of course, this was a few years before finding baked
sproggen in cars every summer became fashionable.
Hopefully, times have changed.
--
JoAnne Schmitz
>Jessica Lavarnway wrote:
>
>> [Not carded while buying cigarettes]
>
>>As a pure matter of curiosity, I ask, "How old do you think I am?"
>>She glanced at me, "Oh, I don't know. Maybe thirty, thirty-two?"
>>She read [DL] and said, "YOU'RE TWENTY???"
>
>It's the law of karmic balance. I'm 32 and two weeks ago I was carded,
>which means the bartender thought I was at most 20.
No, it means that people who look 32 can be 20, and that that bar or a bar
nearby had police cadets recently give them a citation for serving underage, or
a tip that this might happen sometime soon.
Oh, and a hall pass is required for adults to go through schools mainly to prove
they're not pervs planting cameras in the girls' locker room.
-JoAnne
And knowing is half the battle.
>ObCigaretteSmokingPeeve: How do YOU think you're going to die,
>dumbass? Admittedly, the emphysema thing sucks, but so would getting
>your scrotum mangled in plastic-molding equipment, so where's the
>diff? It's gonna suck, either way.
I don't regularly dangle my scrotum near plastic-molding equipment.
erick
Jessica Lavarnway wrote:
> And then she said, "But they look so happy, and HEALTHY!?!?!"
Perhaps you should have said, "Yeah, well, these are the stunt kids. I
woulda brought the real ones, but I've misplaced my key to their cuffs."
ObPeeve: Went to Six Flags for Mother's Day, where one of their little
snack shops is tricked out to look like a fifties-era soda fountain.
It's got chrome out the ass, along with signs on the wall that say
"Malts" and "Shakes" ... despite the fact that they sell neither malts
nor shakes. Bastards.
Ob!Peeve: The new Titan roller coaster. I predict they'll be dialling
the speed down from eleven; I nearly passed out in the corkscrew turns
each time I rode it. But it's a smooooooth coaster, unlike their
molar-dislodging wooden contraption -- which is long overdue for a
dismantling.
Regards,
--
Erick Vermillion-Salsbury, graphic artist
http://www.concentric.net/~erick/
jtchewfiless...@california.com
> to die, dumbass?
Probably earlier than I'll want and possibly harder than I'd like. However, I
have both statistical and anecdotal reasons to believe that smoking would
likely make it happen sooner, and worse, and at the end of some years of
variously compromised quality of life. Been there, witnessed that.
I was helped in this regard by an accidental flavor-aversion experiment at age
three or four. I remember very clearly that my father was down on the floor
rewiring an electrical outlet. Needing both hands for something, he pulaidt
the remains of a pretty well spit-soaked Pall Mall beside him. Memories of
the immediate aftermath of eating it are not nearly as clear, and I won't try
to fill in the blanks with imagination so soon after lunch. Haven't had any
desire to use a tobacco product since.
--Joe
----- Posted via NewsOne.Net: Free (anonymous) Usenet News via the Web -----
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NewsOne.Net prohibits users from posting spam. If this or other posts
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jtchewfiless...@california.com
> to die, dumbass?
Probably earlier than I'll want and possibly harder than I'd like. However, I
have both statistical and anecdotal reasons to believe that smoking would
likely make it happen sooner, and worse, and at the end of some years of
variously compromised quality of life. Been there, witnessed that.
I was helped in this regard by an accidental flavor-aversion experiment at age
three or four. I remember very clearly that my father was down on the floor
rewiring an electrical outlet. Needing both hands for something, he laid the
butt of a pretty well spit-soaked Pall Mall beside him. Memories of the
Pete Young
> I know how I do NOT want to die. Sitting in a wheel chair
>over a pool of urine (mine).
Or as Vinnie Jordan once memorably remarked: "if it takes 5 years off my
life, it's only the last 5".
Peeve: No more Vinnie in these hallowed halls. Whatever happened to him?
Pete
--
____________________________________________________________________
Pete Young pe...@antipope.org
"Just another crouton, floating on the bouillabaisse of life"
Sam Timmerman
jul...@bokassa.tele.com (Julian Macassey) wrote:
> I know how I do NOT want to die. Sitting in a wheel chair
> over a pool of urine (mine).
There must be ways in which one's death could be useful to someone else.
Fanatical terrorist movements have it easy, because while they tend to
favor younger people (easier to brainw^H^H^H^H^Htrain), you're never too
old to race your bomb-laden wheelchair into a barracks or a bus stop.
But couldn't even the liberal democracies come up with useful tasks to
be accomplished by those who feel that life is no longer worth living?
Voluntary Suicide Overseas, so to speak?
Making a pre-payment on your organ donations would be an option, but we
still have our collective knickers in a bunch over euthanasia (contrary
to the claim made in Mr McVeigh's proposed parting lines, we are _not_
masters of our fates or captains of our souls, and do not have a
recognised legal right to choose when we live or die), so I can't see
that happening any time soon.
Sam
--
'woodpulp' gets its mail from 'pop3free', which is a commercial site
Ayse Sercan
>ObCigaretteSmokingPeeve: How do YOU think you're going to die,
>dumbass? Admittedly, the emphysema thing sucks, but so would getting
>your scrotum mangled in plastic-molding equipment, so where's the
>diff? It's gonna suck, either way.
I expect be dead from a massive stroke by 60. The difference between my
doing nothing whatsoever to prevent this and what you're talking about is
that nobody else gets sick from my not taking anti-coagulants.
I've known three people who died from lung cancer directly attributable to
their parents's smoking. And one who died from an asthma attack from the
same.
As for getting my scrotum mangled in anything whatsoever, I would have to
admit that that would likely give me quite a shock*, but I doubt I would
die from it.
* "Where the hell did this scrotum come from?!?"
--
ay...@idiom.com
"I think that everyone should have a crazy friend, just to
keep one's own problems in perspective." --Pat Steppic
Elaine Richards
rich <spam...@atdot.org> wrote:
>
>Also schrieb Jessica Lavarnway:
>>What does Joe do?
>
>Hmm. Food, if you will, for thought. I honestly don't know.
>
>I know that life is more than getting some tail, but I'm not sure anybody could
>explain that to Joe.
Beer, bowling, fishing, sue the boss, get reconstructive surgery and
testosterone shots, find Jesus, find a nice girl, adopt a couple of
kids, more beer, more bowling, coach little league baseball, read
the funny papers.
ER
Bob O`Bob
>
> * "Where the hell did this scrotum come from?!?"
Now, now ...
When we first met, one of the signatures you used
could easily be interpreted to imply you had
a collection of them, likely preserved and mounted.
Steve Daniels
Jessica Lavarnway <j...@lavarnway.mv.com>, said:
>Today, buying cigarettes at the local corner store
All this talk of smoking has goaded me into buying my first pack
in about six years.
Damm.
Maybe I can sell the other nineteen on Ebay.
Steve "That was horrible" Daniels
Elaine Richards
>
>Ayse Sercan wrote:
>>
>> * "Where the hell did this scrotum come from?!?"
>
>Now, now ...
>
>When we first met, one of the signatures you used
>could easily be interpreted to imply you had
>a collection of them, likely preserved and mounted.
>
Nah. They're dessicated and stuck on the ends of spikes in her
backyard near the orange tree.
Natural Born Cereal Killer
>>If that's not possible, I'd like to be at the controls of an airplane
>>trailing a sheet of flame as it crashes into the White House.
> I know how I do NOT want to die. Sitting in a wheel chair
>over a pool of urine (mine).
I've seen my father and my grandfather die of cancer.
I've no children. When it becomes my time, I'm taking somebody
else out with me. Death By Cop with a slightly prior cleansing
of the social gene pool is my plan, and I'm heavy in life insurance.
Once it's terminal, that's it -- the only choice you have is when,
and I intend to exercise that option to my favor.
!Peeve: grandpa never asked me to bring him one of his
pistols. I'm convinced that if it weren't for his Lutheran
upbringing he'd have ended it sooner. Instead, he took to not
eating, perhaps the only suicide he felt would still allow
an afterlife. Sumbitch, but I'm going to miss that guy.
Not that that's the !peeve, but that he didn't ask. I'd
have helped him otherwise, and present law sort of frowns
on that sort of assistance.
>Ob!Peeve: My current employer is working on a device to handle
>female incontinence. So there is hope. Let's hope they have
>something for the drooling too.
There's a difference between the sexes that colostomy
bags and catheders can't overcome?
--
* Dan Sorenson DoD #1066 ASSHOLE #35 BOTY 1997 vik...@svtv.com *
* Vikings? There ain't no vikings here. Just us honest farmers. *
* The town was burning, the villagers were dead. They didn't need *
* those sheep anyway. That's our story and we're sticking to it. *
GRay
> I've seen my father and my grandfather die of cancer.
> I've no children. When it becomes my time, I'm taking somebody
> else out with me. Death By Cop with a slightly prior cleansing
> of the social gene pool is my plan, and I'm heavy in life insurance.
> Once it's terminal, that's it -- the only choice you have is when,
> and I intend to exercise that option to my favor.
Does you policy have a suicide or criminal act clause?
--
GRay-
Take out the trash for mail.
"These young kids barely out of rehab." --Jaz,ADB, 5-4-2000
Natural Born Cereal Killer
>But couldn't even the liberal democracies come up with useful tasks to
>be accomplished by those who feel that life is no longer worth living?
>Voluntary Suicide Overseas, so to speak?
I've always thought that we were missing out on the best
part of the military option, the Short-Enlistment-With-Benefits
cadre that could be used against the target-du-jour. Let's face
it, the kamakazi pilots proved that nearly anybody can drive an
airplane on a one-way mission with a minimum of training, and the
paltry few million for an aging F-4 from the National Guard fleet
is a pittance. Let terminal patients, old duffers who've some
motor control but a rapidly-swelling colon, the guy who lost his
courting tackle in an industrial accident, etc... learn to pilot
an aircraft in a week or two of heavy training and send the
poor schmuck after the Enemy Dictator Of The Week with a full
pension and insurance for his survivors.
Let's face it, a pension and VA benefits are cheap
compared to landing an army to take out an enemy head of state.
Even better, it's all a civilian's personal choice, so we aren't
violating any sort of international agreement.
"Sorry, Mrs. Hussein, but the poor guy stole that
aircraft and drove it into your husband. That was not a
statement of national policy by the US Military. Where should
we send the flowers?"
I think we have a winner here. I'd call my senator, but
Daschle seems to be more concerned with his party than his people.
Bob O`Bob
> >> * "Where the hell did this scrotum come from?!?"
> >When we first met, one of the signatures you used
> >could easily be interpreted to imply you had
> >a collection of them, likely preserved and mounted.
> >
>
> Nah. They're dessicated and stuck on the ends of spikes in her
> backyard near the orange tree.
And now there's a plastic-molding machine somewhere that deserves one as a trophy.
JustmeĊ½
like, I thought that, you know, I had to saysomething back:
>
>
>>Ob!Peeve: My current employer is working on a device to handle
>>female incontinence. So there is hope. Let's hope they have
>>something for the drooling too.
>
> There's a difference between the sexes that colostomy
>bags and catheders can't overcome?
Yes.
Many women, after childbirth, fear sneezing, coughing, etc.
Cough: pee
Sneeze: pee
Run: pee
Jump: pee
It can be a teeny-tiny little bit, it can be more...neither would be adequately
served by a colostomy bag or catheters. Kegel exercises help, but some poor gals
need more. I think that's why Depends are kept in the same aisle as the Kotex.
--Ginny
"Die Screaming"
--Jonathan Blaque
Julian Macassey
Natural Born Cereal Killer <vik...@svtv.com> wrote:
>
>>Ob!Peeve: My current employer is working on a device to handle
>>female incontinence. So there is hope. Let's hope they have
>>something for the drooling too.
>
> There's a difference between the sexes that colostomy
>bags and catheders can't overcome?
The difference is I suppose "marketing". Well, there is
also the fact that men have longer urethras and the prostate
gland.
But, it is common for women to become incontinent post
childbirth. They damage a nerve controlling the bladder
sphincter. Using electro-stimulation it is possible to control
the muscle.
Dan Hillman
> What does Joe do?
Buys a Cadillac SUV.
--
Dan Hillman hil...@quahog.org http://quahog.org/hillman/
Natural Born Cereal Killer
>> I've seen my father and my grandfather die of cancer.
>> I've no children. When it becomes my time, I'm taking somebody
>> else out with me. Death By Cop with a slightly prior cleansing
>> of the social gene pool is my plan, and I'm heavy in life insurance.
>Does you policy have a suicide or criminal act clause?
Of course not. I was quite careful to shop around and
obtain a policy that does not contain any of that crap. 'Course,
if I'm killed in an act of war they pay less, but I had no
intention of making a formal declaration.
Why do you ask? You're not in it.
Charles R. Tenney
>>
>> * "Where the hell did this scrotum come from?!?"
Australia?
That would be the answer for the two scrota of mine which, if caught in
machinery (plastic-molding, belt-sanding, or anything else) would cause me
nothing worse than mild dissapointment, and concern for effects on the
machinery. (Not my personal machinery.) There is of course another one, which
I've had for much longer and guard much more zealously. The two mentioned once
belonged to kangaroos.
>When we first met, one of the signatures you used
>could easily be interpreted to imply you had
>a collection of them, likely preserved and mounted.
I guess two could be called a collection, and they are most decidedly
preserved. But not mounted. At least not anymore.
--
Charles R. Tenney ten...@dec3.mc.duke.edu | What would Duke Univ. Medical
| Center want with my opinions?
"My karma ran over my dogma." | What would I want with theirs?
Elaine Richards
Steve Daniels <sdan...@gorge.net> wrote:
>
>Given a choice between eating brussels sprouts and posting,
>Jessica Lavarnway <j...@lavarnway.mv.com>, said:
>
>>Today, buying cigarettes at the local corner store
>
>All this talk of smoking has goaded me into buying my first pack
>in about six years.
>
>Damm.
>
>Maybe I can sell the other nineteen on Ebay.
Bad. Bad.
Take those things and give them to the kids in the school yard.
Then go forth and sin no more.
ER
Anton Sherwood
: I've seen my father and my grandfather die of cancer.
: I've no children. When it becomes my time, I'm taking somebody
: else out with me. Death By Cop with a slightly prior cleansing
: of the social gene pool is my plan, and I'm heavy in life insurance.
What are you doing for beneficiaries?
--
Anton Sherwood -- br0...@p0b0x.com -- http://ogre.nu/
Anton Sherwood
: He had to quit when the doctor told him he could either stop
: smoking or they'd have to amputate his leg in three months.
Leg? Why?
ObPeeve: An 'orker has a bunch of furniture to sell, at good prices.
I was about to go look at the goods (with an eye to acquiring the
sofa and recliner) when The Wench said, "The only problem would be
if he's a smoker." Which he is, dammit.
"Put that damned cigarette out." --last words of H.H.Munro (Saki)
Anton Sherwood
:> ObTesticularProblems: How many guys commit suicide when they
:> realize that the ol' Ball-And-Johnson Dancing time is over?
rich <spam...@atdot.org> writes
: I'm relatively celibate, and still around, so I would vote "Not me."
I might even let go a sigh of relief that scoring-or-not
is no longer an issue.
GRay
> >Does you policy have a suicide or criminal act clause?
>
> Of course not. I was quite careful to shop around and
> obtain a policy that does not contain any of that crap. 'Course,
> if I'm killed in an act of war they pay less, but I had no
> intention of making a formal declaration.
>
> Why do you ask? You're not in it.
Your "heavy in life insurance" statement led me to belive you intended
at least _someone_ to collect.
Really kinda blow to think you were setting the ObWife up for luxury and
leave her nada.
Unless that what you wanted...
E Varden
>
> Mark Allen <NOma...@tuxtopsspam.com> writes
> : He had to quit when the doctor told him he could either stop
> : smoking or they'd have to amputate his leg in three months.
>
> Leg? Why?
>
Prolly becos smoking resricts blood-passage. That results in the
map-lined wrinkly face of a heavy smoker, and predicates
deep-vein embolisms in the calfs -- a notorious limb-element for
being easily deprived of oxygen (blood).
Gangrene is the necrosis of choice, then. And gangrene is
difficult/IMPOSSIBLE to halt. Gangrene has morphed into aneorobic
attacks: it thrives on suppurations and uses the dead cells to
further its rampage.
"Gangrene" is our friend, for people we do not love.
Smooch,
Pe
Geoff Miller
E Varden <jp...@interlog.com> writes:
> Gangrene is the necrosis of choice, then.
I recently trolled alt.support.diabetes. My opening move
was to ask whether it's true that you can make rock candy
out of the urine of diabetics. A bit later I asked one guy
if I could have his feet to use for bookends if they were
eventually amputated due to gangrene. This was not partic-
ularly well-received. Some people just have _no_ sense of
humor, y'know?
Geoff
--
"I say we take off and nuke the site from orbit.
It's the only way to be sure." -- Ripley
Dan Sutton
"E Varden" <jp...@interlog.com> wrote in message
news:3B080531...@interlog.com...
> Anton Sherwood wrote:
> >
> > Mark Allen <NOma...@tuxtopsspam.com> writes
> > : He had to quit when the doctor told him he could either stop
> > : smoking or they'd have to amputate his leg in three months.
> >
> > Leg? Why?
> >
>
> Prolly becos smoking resricts blood-passage. That results in the
> map-lined wrinkly face of a heavy smoker, and predicates
> deep-vein embolisms in the calfs -- a notorious limb-element for
> being easily deprived of oxygen (blood).
As I understand it, the following happens: smoking eventually kills the
cilia-bearing cells which line the insides of the bronchial passages... a
bug in the body makes it replace these cells with ordinary skin cells, which
replicate much faster than the original cilia cells. Bundles of skin cells
break away into the veins, etc., and get transported around the body, still
replicating, and at some point lodge in a joint, or whatever, usually in the
leg, because it's the furthest away from the heart... anyway, they continue
to grow and eventually block blood flow to the affected limb, thus resulting
in gangrene.
Natural Born Cereal Killer
>Your "heavy in life insurance" statement led me to belive you intended
>at least _someone_ to collect.
I do.
>Really kinda blow to think you were setting the ObWife up for luxury and
>leave her nada.
As I said, my life insurance doesn't contain an anti-suicide
clause, and I'm not one to do the obvious and eat a bullet or tune the
car up in a closed garage. Of course, if I wish to dropkick myself off
this mortal coil there are better ways, "Death by Cop" being one of the
more popular. The options available are quite numerous, and the
choice of which is best changes almost constantly.
I simply decided about 22 years ago that I would choose
the form of my demise, if it came time to make my exit. If I can
perform some sort of service to society, perhaps leave a legacy
that would make the world somewhat better off, I might try it.
Then again, I might have an accident with the morphine dispenser.
Who can tell?
If legend is to be believed one dumb sunofabitch chose
to give in and be crucified, and we downright *worship* that
guy because he did it for the public good. I'd be satisfied
with a decent obit, myself.
Peter Stickney
Strayhorn <k...@duke.edu> writes:
> In article <9e56iq$5vv$1...@news1.btigate.com>, vik...@svtv.com wrote:
>
>
>> I think we have a winner here. I'd call my senator, but
>> Daschle seems to be more concerned with his party than his people.
>
> Apparently some GOP dirty tricksters had film of him driving
> around in his GM land barge while complaining about Dubya's
> energy policy.
>
> Ditto Dick Gephardt (Ford Explorer) and DNC chief Terry
> McAuliffe (Cadillac Escalade). All were told to find something
> a bit more economical, gas-wise, lest the footage turn up
> on the evening nooze.
>
> Perhaps, like Sununu, they'll just start using the 'chopper
> to get to the golf course.
I've never seen John Sr. play a game of golf in his life!
To keep it straight, Sunumu was the one who space-A'd on a C-21 (Govt
Learjet) up North for a Dentist's Appointment.
Calling HMX-1 to scramble a VH-1 to go the th Golf Course was some
minor Clinton Aide.
There's plenty to go around, let's just put it in the right box.
--
Pete Stickney Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
Mark Allen
<an...@home.ogre.nu> wrote:
> Leg? Why?
As much as it pains me to admit, Pe has the right of it. The blood flow
in his femoral artery was significantly reduced -- reduced to the point
where he would occasionally lose all feeling in his leg for several
minutes.
Mark
--
"If you can dream it, you can do it." -- Walt Disney
"This is false." -- Larry Wall
Jeff Justin
news:3gjbe9...@Mineshaft.att.net,
posted in alt.peeves, on Mon, 21 May 2001 18:47:52 GMT.
He, she, or it graced us with the following:
> There's plenty to go around, let's just put it in the right
> box.
I'd have to say Strayhorn did put him in the right box - the one
marked 'politicos'. It's the rat-infested bin that stands next
to the one marked 'lawyers'.
Demopublican, Republicrat, Libertoonian, Socialist Wonkers Party
- they may wear different uniforms, and we all fool ourselves
into liking one over another for some personal reasons, but when
one scratches beneath the pretty cloth, one finds they're all
the same beastie. They're attracted to power, and they want to
tell everyone else how to do things.
Cheers,
Jeff Justin
--
Affirmation Stickers, Inc. - "Share your pride with the world"
"My child was Student of the Week at [x] School"
"My Physically Challenged Child won at the [x] Special Olympics"
"Proud Parent of the Patient of the Week at [x] Mental Facility"
"Mah Baby Fatha Made Trustee at da [x] County Lockup"
Natural Born Cereal Killer
>What are you doing for beneficiaries?
Ranking them according to the previously-mentioned
blowjobs/week ratio, with a <heh!> sliding scale for quality.
Alex Elliott
Jessica Lavarnway <j...@lavarnway.mv.com> wrote:
>
>The inevitable crunching of this guy's Reason and Will to Live
>happens.
There's a case of this I always remember because it happened not far
from where I grew up. This event is notable because after The Accident,
he simply repaired matters with a staple gun and didn't go to the hospital
until several days later. I found the report by googling on "West Chester
scrotum stapled".
http://www.darwinawards.com/stupid/stupid1997-10.html
Alex.
Elaine Richards
Alex Elliott <aell...@comet.connix.com> wrote:
>
>There's a case of this I always remember because it happened not far
>from where I grew up. This event is notable because after The Accident,
>he simply repaired matters with a staple gun and didn't go to the hospital
>until several days later. I found the report by googling on "West Chester
>scrotum stapled".
>
>http://www.darwinawards.com/stupid/stupid1997-10.html
Verified in AFU, too.
http://www.urbanlegends.com/medical/scrotum_self_repair_verified.html
ER
And knowing is half the battle.
>Jesus fucking Christ on a pogo stick, I didn't know we became such
>good friends that I told you to call me by my damn name, now I must
>have missed something.
You're missing the fact the waiters don't care whether you die, unless they see
the tip. You miss the fact the waiters are being told by the manglement to
subtly insult all the customers. The waiters don't want to call you by your
first name. Trust me.
I, personally, would speak to the manager about this. There's enough insane
nutballs out there that you don't need your first name cried out to god and
country.
Jeff Cauhape
>
...
> (Never mind that he's six five, 280, and looks like he could rip
> someone apart with his bare hands. He still looks like a kid.)
>
> But I am Ghoddamn SICK of idiots working in restaurants and stores
> expecting:
>
> A) To call me by my first name
>
> and
>
> B) For me to call THEM by their first names.
What part of the country do you live? I've never had a wait[er|ress]
attempt to call me by my first name. It's uncommon everywhere I've
been. Usually it's either 'sir' or 'ma'am'.
> I appreciate the fact that I know their name. Therefore, when Hi, My
> Name Is xxx and I'll Be Your Server Tonight vanishes for forty
> minutes, I know who to complain to the manager about. It's better
> than saying, "The ditzy teenager with the bleached and permed hair."
> [It's not specific enough.]
I'm bad with names. I just do an immitation of a dominant silver back
getting into a really ugly mood, and someone steps in to do the idiot's
job.
...
> So you address everyone as sir or ma'am. You drop the ma'am and
> replace it with miss if they are under 18 or so.
>
> I did this. It was worth my time in tips.
>
> Plus, being unobtrusive means that you can keep an eye and a half on
> the cute grill cook in the kitchen and half an eye on the dining room,
> meaning you don't fucking hover and the customers appreciate that. As
> long as you run over the second the customer gestures, you're good.
>
> Jessica Lavarnway
If you ever have the excuse to go to Lake Tahoe, stop for DINNER at the
River Inn on the way to Tahoe City. The food is excellent, the service
is unreal. (Lunch is another matter completely. Don't bother.)
My wife and I have gone several times, so I know this isn't a fluke.
The waiters are attentive, informed, and unubtrusive in the extreme.
Just about the time I've figured out that I want something, the waiter
materializes at my side, with the thing I've just decided I want. Then
he disappears again, probably into some alternate dimensional space,
where
he watches our table. I haven't figured out how the do it, but the
behavior
seems to be standard.
Expect to pay $50 for dinner for 2, including wine and tip. If you
choose
the more expensive wines, the tag could go a lot higher.
Jeff
Jym Dyer
> fifteen year old air about him.
=v= That's illegal in most states.
> But when I hand them my credit card, they invariably look
> at it and say, "Thanks, Jess."
=v= A "J. Lavarnway" credit card will fix that. Either that or
they'll start calling you "Jay."
=v= Or, get a hot iron and flatten the name imprint on the card.
Alter it to say "Asshole" or "Sexpot" or something, and then you
can have Hello I Am Your Server This Evening fired for insolence.
HTH,
<_Jym_>