"Mars University (1ACV11)" Episode Capsule Part Two
Jordan Eisenberg
% Daytime in the Planet Express office, with Leela, Fry and Bender at
% the table. Professor Farnsworth enters, handling a large, wooden
% crate.
Prof.: Good news, everyone! You've got a very special delivery
today.
Fry: Who's it going to?
Prof.: Me.
Bender: [proudly] Well ... another job well-done.
Prof.: No, I need it shipped to my office at Mars University. It's a
little experiment that may well win me the nobel prize.
Leela: In what field?
Prof.: I don't care. They all pay the same.
Fry: [inspects it] Is it dangerous?
Prof.: Oh, my, no.
% The box shakes violently to life, while whatever is inside grunts and
% growls and rumbles. Fry scrambles behind Leela for protection, and
% Professor Farnsworth shoots a tranquilizer dart through one of the
% crate's air-holes. He turns back to the others: "Off we go."
% End of Act One (0:37)
% Next stop: Mars. Mars University. With the ship landed safely behind
% them, Fry, Bender, Leela and Farnsworth wander the campus grounds.
Fry: Very impressive. Back in the 20th Century we had no idea there
was a university on Mars.
Prof.: Well, in those days Mars was just a dreary, uninhabitable
wasteland, much like Utah. But unlike Utah it was eventually
made livable when the University was founded in 2636.
Leela: They planted traditional college foliage. Ivy ... trees ...
hemp ... soon the whole planet was terra-formed!
Fry: Does that mean it's safe to breathe the air?
Prof.: Of course!
% At that moment, Fry's breathing becomes awkward and strained, and he
% stops to take a few hoarse gasps. Afterwards, Farnsworth shows them
% "Wong Library," which has the largest collection of literature in the
% known universe. (As seen through a window, its cavernous interior
% houses nothing but two compact discs, labelled 'Fiction' and 'Non
% Fiction.') As Fry inspects the library, Bender recognizes a run-down
% frat house.
Bender: Hey, look, there's a chapter of my old robot fraternity,
Epsilon Rho Rho.
Leela: _You_ went to college?
Bender: Of course. I'm a bender ... I went to Bending college. I
majored in 'bending.'
Fry: What was your minor?
Bender: Robo-American studies.
% They knock on the door to the house and it's answered by a scrawny-
% looking robot. He asks if they're here to fumigate the moose-head,
% but Bender explains that he's an Epsilon from way-back. After the two
% exchange a rigorous secret handshake, Bender returns his partner's
% finger, and the crew is let inside. To Bender's dismay, though, the
% other members are at a table playing chess.
Bender: Uh-oh! Nerds.
Gearshift: [same robot] Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Gearshift,
chapter president. This is Oily, and this here is Fat-Bot.
Bender: You're all losers. My name's Bender.
[they all gasp]
Oily: Bender from 'Bending State' Bender?! Wow, you're a legend
around here!
Fat-Bot: I heard that in one single night you drank a whole keg,
streaked across campus and crammed 58 humans into a phone
booth!
Bender: [modest] Yeah, well, a lot of 'em were children ...
anyway, I should get going.
Gearshift: No, Bender, wait! We're the lamest frat on campus. Even
Hillel has better parties than us. Please, you've gotta
stay and teach us how to be cool.
Bender: [thinks] Well, okay. ... but I'll need _ten_ kegs of
beer, a continuous tape of Louie-Louie and a regulation
two-story panty-raid ladder.
Fat-Bot: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
% Later, Fry, Leela and Farnsworth are walking further into the scenic
% campus grounds. Fry says the atmosphere makes him reminisce about his
% old college days ... we flash back to a 20th-Century Coney Island,
% where Fry is a few years younger, carrying a walkman and a some
% schoolbooks, and runs into a booth labelled "Coney Island Community
% College." (The man at the booth wears a gown and mortarboard and
% gestures for his audience to come and learn physics.) Fry shrugs and
% enters the booth, and we flash back to the present.
Fry: Good old Coney Island College! Go Whitefish!
Leela: Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but you don't seem like the
'educated' type.
Fry: Oh, yeah? [he unfolds a piece of paper from his pocket] Read
it and weep -- I'm a certified college drop-out!
Leela: Please, everyone knows 20th-Century colleges were basically
expensive day-care centers.
Prof.: That's true. By current academic standards, you're merely a
high-school drop-out.
Fry: What?! That's not fair. I deserve the same respect any other
college drop-out gets. By God, I'm gonna enroll here at Mars
University and drop out all over again.
Leela: You won't last two weeks.
Fry: Aww, thanks for believing in me.
% At the enrollment lobby, two lines are formed behind the signs "A-L"
% and "M-Y" ... and another one at "Z," populated by aliens. Fry is
% greeted by Amy, who has been at the University this whole time.
Amy: Yo, classmate, what'cha taking?
Fry: Oh, I don't know ... [to Farnsworth] Hey, Professor, what're
you teaching this semester?
Prof.: The same thing I teach every semester ... the Mathematics of
Quantum Neutrino Fields. I made up the title so that no
student would dare take it.
Fry: [writing in his notebook] "Mathematics of wanton-burrido
meals." I'll be there!
Prof.: Please, Fry, I don't know how to teach ... I'm a professor!
Fry: See you in class!
Prof.: [frustrated] Oh ...
% Nighttime. As the campus sleeps, Bender sneaks out from behind a
% building next to the ladies' dorm and gestures for his buddies to
% follow. Some upbeat music accompanies their tip-toing across the
% field, and they gather around a ladder reaching for the top window.
% They climb onto the ladder, its motor starts to lift them upwards, and
% they chuckle with anticipation. Through the window, they see half a
% dozen girls clad in either lingerie or towels, but they look past all
% that to an old-fashioned Macintosh computer that's sitting on a desk
% in the corner.
% The girl sitting at the computer looks frustrated, hits the computer
% twice (prompting Bender to remark "someone's been a bad computer"),
% and then yanks the front casing off. The boys all hoot and holler
% from outside the window, until Bender's eyes zoom out uncontrollably,
% pushing against the glass, and knocking all three backwards through
% the roof of a small building below them. The occupants of a nearby
% dorm labelled "Snooty House" rush out to see the commotion. (Two of
% them are named Chet and Meiderneyer.)
Chet: I say! You've damaged our servants' quarters ... and our
servants.
Meiderneyer: This time Robot House has gone too far!
Bender: Cheeze it!
% The four robots scramble away. Meanwhile, Fry and Leela are in the
% Financial Aid Dorm, inspecting Fry's new living quarters for the first
% time.
Fry: [grunts approvingly] Pretty nice for a single. Two desks, two
chairs, a couple 'a beds. [someone knocks on the door] A
woodpecker ...
Leela: I think that's probably your roommate.
Fry: Oh, right. [answers the door] Come on in, roomie!
% Nobody's there. ... that's what Fry thinks until he looks at the
% floor and sees a monkey wearing a black hat and carrying a suitcase.
% The monkey yells "I call top bunk!" in a high, smarmy voice, then
% climbs over Fry's face and pounces onto his bed. Fry spits in disgust
% while the monkey sighs in satisfaction.
% End of Act Two (5:25)
% Back at the Financial Aid Dorm, Fry, Leela and the monkey are exactly
% where we left them. The monkey, sitting on his top bunk, is beginning
% to unpack his suitcase.
Fry: My roommate's a _monkey_?
Monkey: Brilliant deduction. You're a credit to your species.
[Farnsworth enters with his wooden crate]
Prof.: Ah! Fry, I see you've met Guenter.
Fry: You _know_ each other?
Prof.: Guenter was my experiment. He was the top-secret contents of
this stinking crate.
Guenter: I'd rather live in a crate than share a room with this dork.
Leela: So what makes Guenter talk?
Fry: [fanciful] Is he genetically engineered?
Prof.: Oh, please. That's preposterous science fiction mumbo jumbo.
Guenter's intelligence actually lies in his electronium hat,
which harnesses the power of sunspots to produce cognitive
radiation.
[Fry scratches his head in confusion]
Guenter: You're wasting your breath, Professor. He'll never
understand a word of it.
Fry: [grasping at Guenter] I understood the word "hat."
Prof.: Please, stop bickering. I arranged that you two be roommates
for a reason ... so I'd only have to remember one phone
number. Now shake hands and make up.
[they do so]
Fry: [to Guenter] You want a banana?
Guenter: I don't eat bananas. I prefer banana-flavored energy bars
made from tofu.
Fry: [glares] I don't like you.
% The next morning, Fry, Guenter and Amy have their first class
% together. The subject is 20th Century History, tought by a cranky,
% middle-aged man, who writes the class' title on the board (which
% converts his handwriting to text at the push of a button) and then
% takes to the podium.
Fry: [chuckles] This is going to be a cakewalk.
Instructor: Welcome to the history of the 20th Century. Look to your
left, then to your right, then in nine other directions.
One of the 12 of you will not pass this class.
Amy: [yawns] Boo-ring. Let's hear about Walter Mondale
already.
Instructor: Be forewarned ... the only sure way to get an "A" in this
class is to have lived in the 20th Century.
% Fry makes a "swish" motion with his hands, which irritates the
% Instructor ... he searches for Fry's name on a row of buttons in front
% of him. He pushes the button, and Fry receives a jolt of electricity.
Instructor: You were saying, Mr. Fry?
Fry: I'm from the 20th Century. Go ahead ... ask me anything.
Instructor: Very well. What device invented in the 20th Century
allowed people to view broadcast programs in their own
homes?
Fry: Oh, I know this. Whad do you call it? ... Lite Brite!
[Fry receives another jolt -- Guenter raises his hand]
Guenter: [scoffing chuckle] I believe the answer is the
television.
Instructor: Very good, Mr. Guenter.
Amy: Wow. Smart _and_ cute.
% Inside Mentholyptus Hall, Dean Vernon is concentrating on building a
% model ship.
Vernon: What I love about being Dean of Students is the peace and
quiet and the respect I recieve. [his intercom buzzes] Now,
what's all this about?
Voice: Dean Vernon, the students from Robot House are here.
Vernon: [vengeful -- to himself] Robot House ...
[Bender, Gearshift, Oily and Fat-Bot enter]
Bender: Hey, Dean. Nice looking model.
Vernon: You keep away from it! You robots are a disgrace to this
university. Whenever a fire alarm is pulled it's Robot
House. Whenever the campus liquor store is looted, Robot
House. Whenever a human corpse is desecrated ...
Bender: Now, I can explain that.
Vernon: That's enough out of you. From this day forth Robot House
is under dodeca-tuple secret probation.
Bender: No fair!
Fat-Bot: My mom is going to kill me.
Vernon: Now, if you'll excuse me I have to get back to the one thing
that's kept me sane these past eight years. My model ship.
% ... but the ship is gone! Bender and his buddies yell at Fat-Bot to
% quit eating it, but it's too late. He excuses himself: "When I get
% nervous, I get hungry." Dean Vernon scowls, Bender yells at them to
% cheeze it, and as they scramble out the front door of the building,
% you can hear Dean Vernon's cries of "Robot House!" echo through the
% campus. Meanwhile, Fry is in a restaurant booth across from a young
% girl (who seems to not enjoy his company).
Fry: So, Chrissy, we seem to be hitting it off. If you're not
doing anything later might I escort you to a kegger?
Chrissy: Not even if you were the last man on Mars.
% Chrissy slams her book closed and gets up to leave the restaurant.
% When Fry recovers from his few moments of shock, he looks out the
% window and sees Chrissy writing on a napkin, then handing it to
% Guenter. She backs away shyly, giggling, and Guenter turns to Fry
% through the window. "Hey, you like bananas? [slams her napkin
% against the window] I got her number. How do you like _them_
% bananas?" Guenter walks off, and Fry stammers with anger. He later
% enters a classroom where Professor Farnsworth is at the chalkboard
% lecturing to rows of empty seats about electrons.
Prof.: And therefore, by process of elimination, the electron must
taste like grape-ade.
[he sees Fry coming in the door]
Fry: Sorry. I overslept.
Prof.: Till 5:00 PM?
Fry: It's that obnoxious monkey. He kept me up all night with his
constant thinking. Just thinking and thinking. He's trying to
make me look like an idiot.
Prof.: Don't be jealous. Without his special hat Guenter might be no
more intelligent than you.
Fry: Oh! I hate that rodent.
Prof.: Fry, that monkey is my most important experiment. If you two
don't stop fighting I'll have you both neutered.
Fry: [chuckles] That'll show 'im.
% It's Parents' Weekend, according to the sign in the Dean's elegantly
% decorated den, complete with a live classical orchestra and
% refreshments. As groups mingle, Amy is introducing her parents to the
% Dean himself.
Amy: Dean Vernon, I'd like you to meet my parents, Leo and Inez.
Vernon: Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Wong. I'm so glad we can admit Amy in
exchange for your generous contribution.
Leo: How much more for Phi Beta Kappa?
Vernon: How much you got?
[Guenter approaches Fry by the punch bowl]
Guenter: Sorry I'm late. I was off at a study session ... with
Chrissy.
[Fry glares at him]
Prof.: Oh, I'm glad you made it, Guenter. Because in honor of
parents' weekend I have a special surprise for you.
% Farnsworth pulls the sheets off of a cage containing two wild, hooting
% monkeys. Guenter recognizes them as his parents, and is immediately
% humiliated by them. Fry, on the other hand, appreciates the animals
% by throwing some bananas to them and then letting them out of their
% cage. They cause a ruckus, turning over food-bowls and flinging [a
% substance] at people. As Fry badgers him to join his parents in
% swinging from the chandelier, Guenter merely runs off with his face in
% his hands. Meanwhile, Bender and his buddies are watching the party
% wind down from the side wall, and Bender suggests they take a road
% trip to Tiajuana to get Fat-Bot some action. Fat-Bot, nervous,
% devours a large portrait of the Dean that was hanging over the
% fireplace. The Dean yells once more: "Roboot Hooouuse!" Later, Fry
% and Leela are entering Fry's apartment.
Leela: What you did to Guenter was cruel. At the risk of sounding
like an after-school special, I think we learned who the _real_
animal was today.
Fry: You mean peer pressure?
% Fry opens the door, and in the darkened room, we see Guenter's
% sillhouette pointing something at them. Fry thinks it's a gun, but
% Leela turns on the lights, and we see it's ony a banana. It's one of
% many banana peels that are strewn around him on the floor.
Guenter: Leave me alone.
Fry: Hey, what's going on? I thought you didn't like bananas.
Guenter: Of course I do. I try so hard to fit in but seeing my
parents act like that made me realize I'm just a primitive
beast. [sobs]
Fry: Hey, hey, cheer up. Not everyone turns out like their
parents. I mean, look at me. My folks were honest, hard-
working people. [snorts]
Leela: Besides, Guenter, you're not like other monkeys. You've got
the hat.
Guenter: So what? I mean, sure, it looks cool and it makes me smart
but it doesn't make me happy. [sobs]
Leela: That's so sad. I didn't even known monkeys could cry.
Guenter: That can't! It's all the hat. [cries louder]
Fry: Look, Guenter, if you're so miserable here maybe you should
just go back to the jungle.
Guenter: [dreamy] The jungle? ... but I couldn't do that to the
Professor. I'm his prize experiment ... and he's like a
father to me.
Leela: But he's not your father. That guy in the punch bowl was
your father.
% Fry happens to be drinking a glass of punch at that moment, and spits
% it out in shock. The next day, the chalkboard in their 20th Century
% history class reads "TEST TODAY!" Professor Farnsworth keeps the
% Instructor company at the head of the room. Guenter is having trouble
% concentrating on the test, and is constantly looking out the window at
% the edge of the lush jungle that sits right next to the campus. After
% the distraction becomes so intense that Guenter has trouble breathing,
% he hits the breaking point and rips the hat off his head, scrambles
% across the room and crashes through the window, disappearing into the
% woods. Professor Farnsworth laments.
Prof.: Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why ... why
... _WHY_ didn't I break his legs?
% End of Act Three (8:26)
% Farnsworth, Leela and Fry are gathered in Fry's dorm room that
% afternoon. Farnsworth laments over a photograph of him and Guenter
% enjoying a ride at Splash Mountain (or a similar ride).
Prof.: [sad] Oh, poor Guenter.
Leela: So he just ran away in the middle of the exam?
Prof.: I'm afraid so. All he handed in was a paper smeared with
feces. He tied with Fry.
Fry: I guess he realized I was right when I told him to go back to
the jungle.
Prof.: You _what_?! After I spent months slaving over a hot monkey
brain?
Fry: Hey, don't blame me. You tried to force Guenter to be a human
but he's an animal. He belongs in the wild ... or in the
circus on one of those tiny tricycles. Now, _that's_
entertainment.
Prof.: But Guenter's obviously better off being intelligent. Tell
him, Leela.
Leela: Uh-uh, I'm staying out of this. Now, here's my opinion ...
what we should do is ...
[Leela whispers to the others, but we can't hear her]
Prof.: What?!
Leela: I said ... we'll go to the jungle and let Guenter decide once
and for all.
Prof.: What!?
% The sign over the river says "Big Fraternity Raft Regatta." Robot
% House and Snooty House are among the contestants, the latter sporting
% a classy yacht-like boat and the former sitting in a flabby inflatable
% raft with a motor attached. Dean Vernon takes the microphone.
Vernon: You all know the rules. Whichever house wins the regatta
becomes head of the greek council and, should that house
currently be on any type of multiple-secret probation, it
will be lifted and I will be forced to serve as grand
marshall of a parade honoring them.
[Snooty House pulls up next to Robot House]
Chet: I _say_, Robot House ... your watercraft is as ill-
designed as you yourselves.
Meiderneyer: Good one, Chet!
[they laugh]
% Bender takes no heed of their insults ... he shows them up by lifting
% an entire beer keg that was sitting in their raft, ripping the top
% off, drinking the contents in one gulp and flattening the empty keg
% against his forehead. Dean Vernon announces the start of the race
% with a gunshot (that goes clear through the side of ERR's raft), and
% the race begins. Not too far away, the crew is hiking through the
% jungle searching for Guenter.
Fry: Wow, the jungles on Mars look just like the jungles on Earth.
Prof.: Jungles on _Earth_?! [belly-laugh]
Leela: I see some movement up there. I think it's him.
Prof.: Stand back!
% Farnsworth throws a grenade-like device into the branches of a tree,
% and it explodes in a cloud of blue smoke. A few snakes, some birds
% and a tiger fall on their backs to the forest floor. The Professor
% says they'll be fine once the tranquilizer wears off, and as the crew
% move on, an elephant falls out of the tree and lands on all of the
% unconscious animals.
% Fry spots Guenter sitting on a rock by the riverbed. Leela explains
% her plan in detail: "Professor, you'll offer Guenter the hat, and Fry,
% you'll offer him the banana. We'll let him decide whether he wants to
% be intelligent or just a mindless animal." She takes out a second
% banana for Fry because he ate the first one, and the plan is put into
% action. Farnsworth and Fry stand on opposite sides of the confused
% monkey, each hyping theirs as the best choice, when Bender and his
% buddies come flying down the river in their raft.
Gearshift: Hey, Bender, are you sure this is a shortcut?
Bender: Not as sure as I was an hour ago!
% The raft grazes against the edge of the river, and knocks everyone
% except Guenter into the water. It steers ahead, finds itself staring
% straight into a waterfall, and falls off ... conveniently putting them
% right near the finish line. As Snooty House is crawling towards the
% end, the robots emerge from underwater at the last second and steal
% the glory. Dean Vernon is outraged and the Snooty House yacht
% capsizes in shock.
% Back at the waterfall, Farnsworth manages to grab hold of a floating
% log and secure it to a pointy rock that juts out the edge of the
% water, on which the other two grab a hold. A piece of the log falls
% away under the pressure, though, proving they're not quite safe yet.
% On the riverbed, a mindless Guenter is sniffing at the hat and the
% banana, which were both left on the ground. Farnsworth yells at him
% in vain to put on the hat and save them ... the monkey tries a number
% of solutions, including wearing it on his knee or his butt, and
% wearing the banana on his head and chewing on the hat. ("Stupid
% monkey," complains the Professor.)
% Guenter finally manages to get it on his head, and yells "Eureeka!",
% then after some quick calculations, ties a vine to another log, loops
% the vine over a tree limb overhanging the waterfall, and lets the crew
% climb up. The three of them find themselves sitting safely on the
% limb with the vine tied around, and Guenter hanging below them,
% supported only by the log swinging from the vine, with the river far
% below him. The vine starts to tear in the middle.
Leela: Hurry, Guenter! Climb up the vine! You can still save
yourself.
[Guenter doesn't budge, though]
Guenter: [melodramatic] Why bother? I've got nothing to live for. I
was miserable as a genius, and as a monkey I was so dumb I
tried to wear a hat on my butt. [Fry chuckles] There's just
no place for me in this world ... [cheers up] Although, on
the other hand ...
[the vine breaks -- he falls away]
Prof.: Oh, that poor, sweet monkey. Well, let's go gather him up.
There's no sense letting him go to waste. [he licks his
lips!]
% At the bottom of the waterfall, they find Guenter alive, and only
% slightly dazed.
Fry: Guenter! You're alive!
Guenter: I guess the hat must have broke my fall.
[Farnsworth inspects it]
Prof.: It seems to be working at only half-capacity. But I can fix
it.
Guenter: No, wait! I like it like this. I actually feel sort of ...
happy.
Prof.: But what about your superintelligence?
Guenter: When I had that, there was too much pressure to use it. All
I want out of life is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence
who wears a suit. That's why I've decided to transfer to
business school!
Prof.: Noooo!!
% Well, Robot House is getting the parade it fought for. Dean Vernon
% marches in front, Bender and the rest wave to the crowd from atop a
% pink float, and Bender announces "Big party at Robot House!" The song
% "Shout!" blasts out of nowhere, hordes of students pour into the
% street to dance, including Fry, Leela, Guenter and the Professor, and
% the camera freezes on each of the stars with an epilogue appearing in
% captions. Here's what they said ...
% Fry dropped out successfully and returned to his dead-end delivery
% job.
% Guenter got his MBA and became president of the Fox network.
% Fat-Bot caught a computer virus in Tiajuana and had to be rebooted.
% Leela went on one date with Dean Vernon, but he never called again.
% His job done, Bender stole everything of value from Robot House and
% ran off.
% Thus ends Act Four (6:52)
========================================================================
= Contributers =
{ak} Adam King {jb} Jason Barrera
{bb} Bronco Bob {jk} Joe Klemm
{bt} Baykent Tukeli {jlm} Jesse Leon McCann
{da} David Antonoff {jph} John P. Hayes
{dbc} Daniel B. Case {mm} Michael Morbius
{ddg} Don Del Grande {rc2} Robert Castillo
{fp} Fen Phen {sam} Steven Aaron Monroe
{hl} Haynes Lee {trl} Team Rocket Leela
========================================================================
Futurama and its characters are the ===== First posted : 02-Nov-1999
properties 30th Century Fox. Lawyers ===== Revision A : 02-Nov-1999
Bring Fear. By Jordan "MU" Eisenberg. ===== E-mail me: <jed...@aol.com>
Available on the web at: <http://futurama.simplenet.com/capsules/1ACV11.txt>
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.