Rob Lomax's 5 Worst Films of All Tim^H^H^H^That He Can Think of Right Now
Rob Lomax
Kibo's post about TV-to-film adaptations reminded me of this dire
wreck of a movie. To demonstrate to you just how bad it is, let me
explain the circumstances under which I saw it. I was on a plane on a
long haul flight. It screened just after dinner. The passengers were
trapped in front of a screen with nowhere to go and nothing better to
do. When it started almost everyone put on their headsets and started
watching.
By halfway through, almost all of almost everyone had taken their
headsets off and were sleeping, reading, staring blankly at the
headrest in front of them, in fact doing ANYTHING other than watch the
film. I joined them, and for all I know the film ended with the
Apocalypse. I like to imagine it did anyway. I have a fond mental
picture of Lily Tomlin being thrown into a lake of fire.
4. Father of the Bride II
I have bitched about this film before in a.r.k, but it deserves a lot
of bitching ..... more bitching than I can give, frankly. It exists to
fullfil a variant of Newton's Third Law; for every excellent chyk-flyk
("Enchanted April" or "A Room With A View"), there must be an equal
and opposite abhorent chyk-flyk ("Father of the Bride" and "Father of
the Bride II"). Father of the Bride II edges out its predecessor in
the crap stakes because it refines the already bad forumla; replace
plot with aimless meandering between scenes of women squealing over
things they like and scenes of women frowning or crying over things
they don't like; remove all sense of reality and replace it with the
Law of Dribbling Sentiment, where things happen not because they can
but because it's so *sniff* beautiful; dress everything up so that it
looks like the catalogue of a high-end department store, and place the
importance of the wisteria flowering properly over any concerns that
maybe Diane Keaton can't act.
3. Gone in 60 Seconds
People who complained about the Jerry Bruckheimer production in 2000
had obviously never seen the 1974 original. I have, and let me condemn
it once and for all simply by saying that it has many car-chases, and
they are all boring. Male Kibologists will easily understand what a
dreadful condemnation this is. Let me reiterate it - this movie is so
bad that the car chases are boring. That is all.
2. Bicentennial Man
This film made me angry. I do not usually take bad movies personally,
but this was such a wasted, nay, perverted opportunity to take one of
the all-time classic short stories of science fiction and turn it into
a movie. Telling a tale of one character's development over two
hundred years of future history should have been a sublime opportunity
to explore the way people and cultures change over time, how clothes
and designs and even attitudes and morals come in and out of fashion.
But no. Chris Columbus decided that it would be a _much_ nicer film if
he gave Robin Williams free rein to do his Robin Williams schtick,
turned characters into caricatures, and make the robots all cute an'
funny. He turned a masterpiece into a forgettable slop-fest; he should
never be allowed within 100 miles of Hollywood ever again.
1. ?
I leave this space blank because there is always the possibility that
someone will make a film that digs itself new lows. "Baby Geniuses"
and "All the Way" made a good go at it, but I'm sure the worst is yet
to come.
Rob Lomax
won't somebody _please_ think of the children!?
WHOSE TITAN ELBOW
GMT]
> 1. ?
>
> I leave this space blank because there is always the
> possibility that someone will make a film that digs itself
> new lows. "Baby Geniuses" and "All the Way" made a good go
> at it, but I'm sure the worst is yet to come.
>
I htink you should pick something that generated a lot of "buzz"
or whatever, instead of slime that has the decency to go direct
to video. I nominate A.I. to get things going.
--
CRGRE
``God help us if we no longer have a place for liberty!'' --
John Ashcroft (in Southern Partisan magazine)
Brandon Dennis
news:74dc1f4d.01121...@posting.google.com:
> 5. The Beverley Hillbillies.
>
> explain the circumstances under which I saw it. I was on a plane on a
> long haul flight. It screened just after dinner. The passengers were
walking out?
> 4. Father of the Bride II
Why wait for Father of the Bride III... Maybe they'll make Pretty In Pink
2. Or The Palbearer II... Or that one with Rupert Everet and Madonna...
Something Friend Something...
> 3. Gone in 60 Seconds
Will Gone in 60 Seconds II be 'Gone in 30 Seconds'? Personally, I think
it's bad to name a movie 'Gone in' anything since it will obviously be
linked to the time it takes the audience to leave. In fact, movie studios
need to pay heed to irony when naming their movies... Take a look at
'QUEEN OF THE DAMNED' starring Aalyiah. And not that I want to say
anything bad about 'the damned', but the idea of doing The Matrix-style
special effects, crossed with Aalyiah just standing still (so you have her
standing still and arms and legs are flying all around her - from the
trailer) is very unsettling.
> 2. Bicentennial Man
>
> [snip]
> But no. Chris Columbus decided that it would be a _much_ nicer film if
> he gave Robin Williams free rein to do his Robin Williams schtick,
Robin Williams in 'The Bicentennial Fisher King'. Or 'Robot Toys'. Or
'Mork & Asimov'. I think Chris Columbus should do a movie about
discovering America.
> 1. ?
I would hafta say Waterworld would be in there somewhere. Not just
because Kevin Costner obviously became bored while filming it and just
muttered a buncha lines with cue cards, but because of the fantastic
notion those script writers had that must have gone something like this:
INTERIOR - WATERWORLD WRITING ROOM - DAY 1 OF 1
Peter Rader: Okay, dude... so this place is, like, filled with water...
but they have ships... and uhh...
David Twohy: Yeah! Ships, that's cool... that way they don't hafta swim
around all the time.
Peter Rader: Yeah, but how are they gonna buy stuff? Like... hookers?
David Twohy: Oh... Well, let's see... if the entire world is covered with
water, what do you think would be really valuable?
Peter Rader: Uh... How about dirt?
David Twohy: Yeah, DIRT, that makes great currency... then, if they get
enough, they can build their own island.
-bd
Of course, that's just my interpretation. Any semblence to scriptwriters
living or undead is pure coincidence.
Daniel Buettner
> [Rob Lomax, alt.religion.kibology, Tue, 18 Dec 2001 03:05:43
> GMT]
>
>> 1. ?
>>
>> I leave this space blank because there is always the
>> possibility that someone will make a film that digs itself
>> new lows. "Baby Geniuses" and "All the Way" made a good go
>> at it, but I'm sure the worst is yet to come.
>>
> I htink you should pick something that generated a lot of "buzz"
> or whatever, instead of slime that has the decency to go direct
> to video. I nominate A.I. to get things going.
Personally, I like to think of "True Crime" (1999) as the
worst movie of all time. I don't walk out of movies, but
this one nearly forced my hand.
Also, I'd like to complain about how imdb.com just now
attacked me with FIVE POP OVER/UNDER advertisements. Are
they trying to discourage me from ever visiting again?
--
~
~
~
"Daniel Buettner" line 4 of 4 --100%--
John Burrage
>1. ?
WW and the Dixie Dancekings
Battlestar Galactica
Highlander II
Leprechaun IV
Thomas's Magic Railroad
That Pervy Film With The French Bird ... You Know The One
Also, I haven't seen the remake of Rear Window with Christopher Reeve,
but I have a feeling in my bones that it would make the list as well.
--
John Burrage http://members.iinet.net.au/~burrage/
"Christ, there is a swarm of bees outside"
- Excerpt from old English bee prayer, c 1000.
Schwa Love
> 3. Gone in 60 Seconds
>
> People who complained about the Jerry Bruckheimer production in 2000
> had obviously never seen the 1974 original. I have, and let me condemn
> it once and for all simply by saying that it has many car-chases, and
> they are all boring. Male Kibologists will easily understand what a
> dreadful condemnation this is. Let me reiterate it - this movie is so
> bad that the car chases are boring. That is all.
I agree with you that that is one awful awful film, but I generally
don't care for Jeremy Bruckheimer vehicles (HAW HAW!!!! "vehicles") as
it is. I saw it with my folks on my father's birthday (that's my
excuse and I'm sticking to it). Before going I predicted five or six
things that would occur in the film, and at least two of them came
true. The things I remember predicting were:
* Opening scene of camera zooming in on a city skyline
* Helicopters swooshing around within the first five minutes
* Scenes of cops or heroes discussing Important Situation with the
camera panning back and forth, back and forth, with cuts to a
different camera every three seconds
* Nicolas Cage's requisite Old Friend From the Past would betray him
* Steamy lurv scene with Nicolas Cage and Angelina Puffylips in a car
they were stealing at the time
I forget exactly which items occurred in the film, but then again, it
was a pretty forgettable film. Not necessarily the worst Jerry
Bruckheimer film ("Cat People" was far worse, and I haven't seen
"Coyote Ugly"), but pretty awful.
Schwa's Worst Five-Plus Flicks That He Can Think of Right Now:
5. "Patch Adams"/"What Dreams May Come"/"Father's Day"/"Jack" - Life
is tragically beautiful, bittersweet in a way, full of tragedy and
triumph... I GET THE PICTURE ALREADY MR. WILLIAMS!
I apoligize for listing said films, since they have touched the
hearts of so many and I am a horrid horrid person for disliking them,
but so be it. Yell at me if you must for it, my girlfriend and
members of my family already have. Robin Williams and Tom Hanks
"Everyman" roles are starting to blur and become interchangeable in my
brain, and I think Jim Carrey is trying to add himself to the list.
4. "Violent Shit III - Infantry of Doom" - a friend of mine made me
see this. Crummy crummy German horror movie, half shot on video, the
other half on Super 8. Three men wind up on an island ruled by a
beefy ex-wrestler with silly putty covering half his face called "The
Meister", who raises an army of warriors wearing helmets fashioned out
of buckets. There's a scientist called Dr. Senious who looks like
"Adolph Hitler - the College Years", who builds an army of zombies for
The Meister. Most commonly used phrase: "Puking up buckets of shit".
Ninjas speaking German, a guy who's head is cleaved in twain and he
grabs the two halves to try and put them back together, plastic action
figures attacking naked women... this fun family fare has something
for everyone. I re-iterate... the movie is called "Violent Shit III -
Infantry of Doom". That pretty much sums up that this one is worth
avoiding at all costs, unless you like awful dubbed foreign horror
flicks made on a shoestring budget.
3. "Bye Bye, Love" - Where do you go if you are recently divorced?
McDonalds! Divorced men love McDonalds! Children of divorced men
love McDonalds! Teenagers and senior citizens make the bestest of
friends at McDonalds!
2. "Cool World"/"Wizards"/"Hey Good Looking"/"Fritz the Cat"/"Street
Fight" and anything else I have seen with Ralph Bakshi's name attached
to it. Please Mr. Bakshi, put the rotoscope down. Yes, old Nazi war
footage painted black with sacary horns and scary red eyes painted on
make scary scary demons. He seems to have grandiose ideas with films,
and then run out of energy or budget or both by the time the first cel
is painted, leaving sloppy cut lines, sloppy animation, sloppy
combination of human actors and animated characters on sets made of
painted cardboard, sloppy stories, sloppy oatmeal, and big steaming
piles of sloppy slop. A friend of mine once goggled over how
amazingly life-like the animation in "American Pop" is and boy those
animators really knew how to capture how people looked and moved until
I explained how it was done by tracing over actual filmstock.
1. "Mac & Me" - When a writer for "Scarecrow and Mrs. King" and a
writer for "The Philedelphia Experiment" (based on a TRUE STORY) get
together, you know some amazing Hollywood magic is going to be made to
delight your senses with awe and wonder. I've complained about this
one before, and I'm doing it again. Where do you go if you are an
ugly alien stranded on Earth while looking for your sick and dying
family? McDonalds! Where do kids stranded in wheelchairs go to see
great dance numbers? McDonalds! What do you feed your dying alien
family while stranded on Earth? Coca Cola! At McDonalds!
-- Schwa ---
Still haven't seen "Baby Geniuses" yet.
b r e t t
Daniel Buettner <buet...@cse.unl.edu> wrote:
>Personally, I like to think of "True Crime" (1999) as the
>worst movie of all time. I don't walk out of movies, but
>this one nearly forced my hand.
I walked out of "Transylvania 6-5000." About ten years
later, I figured it couldn't have been *that* awful, and
rented it. I think it ran for 15 minutes before I had to
turn it off. It's not goofy-bad. It's not wacky-bad. It's
not enjoyably bad. It's just plain unwatchable.
b
Glenn Knickerbocker
> I walked out of "Transylvania 6-5000." About ten years
Oh, man, you should try sitting through "She-Devil." I liked it even
more than "Transylvania 6-5000," so you should make it through about six
minutes.
And I bet you loved "The Quick and the Dead." Fortunately, "Fight Club"
seen at an unexpected hour of the night gave me those two hours of my
life back.
ŹR
b r e t t
Glenn Knickerbocker <No...@bestweb.net> wrote:
>And I bet you loved "The Quick and the Dead."
How are you able to tell these things, Glenn?
You're creeping me out here.
b
Luke Breinig
King_...@hotmail.com says...
> 1. ?
>
> I leave this space blank because there is always the possibility that
> someone will make a film that digs itself new lows. "Baby Geniuses"
> and "All the Way" made a good go at it, but I'm sure the worst is yet
> to come.
Godzilla (1998) - Somehow someone managed to take a classic concept (big
violent mutant dinosaur thing smashing things and killing people) and
ruined it. Their "Godzilla" was basically a castrated giant Iguana that
didn't even breathe FLAMING RADIOACTIVE DETH!!!1!! The destruction
sequences (what sad few of them there actually were) were poorly cut,
and, to further fruit it up, they had Matthew Broderick running around
being a weenie. Oh, also there were French people. I will never
forgive Hollywood for allowing this piece of crap to exist.
--
Luke Breinig - www.lukebreinig.com - Not Bitter
Amiga 500/1000/3000, K6-2/450, T-bird 1.4, Mac IIsi, Apple IIgs, C=64
"there is a curse against people associated with Old Dominion University
for groups not associated with physics" - Kurt Stocklmeir
Glenn Knickerbocker
No creepy psychic talent involved, just simple association. "The
Quick and the Dead" was exactly the opposite of "Transylvania 6-5000":
rivetingly compelling visual presentation of a story with absolutely
no point whatsoever.
The thing is, I like Raimi's work in general--I loved "The Evil Dead"
and find "Hercules" and "Xena" amusing. It was his knack for making
things visually compelling that made me hate "The Quick and the Dead"
so violently, because it was on while I was trying desperately to get
some sleep after spending the night in a chair at Ataturk Airport.
ŹR
Joe Manfre
> 1. ?
>
> I leave this space blank because there is always the possibility that
> someone will make a film that digs itself new lows. "Baby Geniuses"
> and "All the Way" made a good go at it, but I'm sure the worst is yet
> to come.
I nominate that Evel Knievel biopic that starts with this bizarre,
otherworldly scene in which Young Evel stands in the middle of
a desert road while a car honks its horn at him to get him out
of the way, then suddenly the car plummets down into the earth.
I didn't really see any of the movie after that part, because
it already had me, Tamara, and Fool in tears. (We were watching
this at Tamara's place.)
I later learned that the reason the ground suddenly opened up
and swallowed the car was because there were mine shafts
underneath and they made the ground unstable. Also, Adult Evel
was played by George Hamilton in this movie.
http://us.imdb.com/Title?0067069
JM
--
Joe Manfre, Hyattsville, Maryland. http://www.manfre-land.com/
"Gravity is an invisible frog named Shwink-A-Jee that presses down
on the top of your head to keep you short." -- Kibo, 11 Oct 1998
b r e t t
Glenn Knickerbocker <No...@bestweb.net> wrote:
>rivetingly compelling visual presentation of a story with absolutely
>no point whatsoever.
You have captured, in twelve words, the essence of what makes
me tick, movie-wise. Bravo.
Sure, I enjoy and admire good films (though even there I tend
to lean toward the visually arresting). But I don't think I've
enjoyed anything so much as "Charlie's Angels" in the last
four or five years.
b
--
Cute girls, sexy outfits, high-speed ass-kicking, explosions.
Is that so much to ask?
Matt McIrvin
schw...@yahoo.com (Schwa Love) wrote:
> 1. "Mac & Me" - When a writer for "Scarecrow and Mrs. King" and a
> writer for "The Philedelphia Experiment" (based on a TRUE STORY) get
> together, you know some amazing Hollywood magic is going to be made to
> delight your senses with awe and wonder. I've complained about this
> one before, and I'm doing it again. Where do you go if you are an
> ugly alien stranded on Earth while looking for your sick and dying
> family? McDonalds! Where do kids stranded in wheelchairs go to see
> great dance numbers? McDonalds! What do you feed your dying alien
> family while stranded on Earth? Coca Cola! At McDonalds!
If you were horrified by "Mac & Me," you gotta see "Nukie."
I was going to try to describe "Nukie," but there's this:
http://www.stomptokyo.com/movies/n/nukie.html
If you really, really like to hear people yell "NUUUUUKIIIEEEE!"
this movie is for you.
--
Matt McIrvin
Alex Suter
At work we screen bad movies that people have
worked on (before coming to my current place
of employ) and make fun of them.
Well, we recently watched _Spaced Invaders_ and
more than once we were all stunned into silence.
Bad, bad, painfully bad bad bad. One of the
aliens does a Jack Nicholson impersonation and
wears an Lakers shirt. Not afraid yet? You will
be. You will be.
The only movie worse than _Nothing But Trouble_.
--
Alex Suter
http://world.std.com/~asuter/
"Oh boy! Sleep! That's where I'm a viking!"
E Teflon Piano
<No...@bestweb.net> wrote:
}b r e t t wrote:
}> I walked out of "Transylvania 6-5000." About ten years
}
}Oh, man, you should try sitting through "She-Devil." I liked it even
}more than "Transylvania 6-5000," so you should make it through about six
}minutes.
}
You probably mean the Rosanne one. The Brit one Hollywoood ripped off
was quite good. Everything the lippoed-Roseanne touches turns to crap.
Also, what the fukkk is the point of Ed Begley Jr.? Does his family
have some pederast blackmail pics on the Goldwins and Mayers the Begley
Senior took? *Why* does he keep appearing in movies? If there's any
talent there, you'd need a scanning electron microscope to find it. And
given the kind of prep you need to use an electron microscope, I, for
one, would be willing to foot the bill.
--
Institute for Misapplied Psychometry fellow E Teflon Piano is founder of the
Internet 'Lectronic Legal Society. Teflon is a mark owned by duPont. E is E
poly(TFE) Piano Enterprises' [dibs] for ironic hyperbole and elitist satire.
ŠE[dibs] 1994-2001
Joe Manfre
> You probably mean the Rosanne one. The Brit one Hollywoood ripped
> off was quite good. Everything the lippoed-Roseanne touches turns
> to crap. Also, what the fukkk is the point of Ed Begley Jr.? Does
> his family have some pederast blackmail pics on the Goldwins and
> Mayers the Begley Senior took? *Why* does he keep appearing in
> movies? If there's any talent there, you'd need a scanning electron
> microscope to find it. And given the kind of prep you need to use
> an electron microscope, I, for one, would be willing to foot the
> bill.
I dunno, he was pretty good on "Body Language", the early '80s game
show where YOU can do PANTOMIME to win big bux like $500 or something.
But everyone knows that people can't resist the children of big
important stars, which is why George W. Bush became president, and
immediately had to cope with his own offspring's problems. TRUE FACT:
George W. Bush ordered the destruction of the World Trade Center to
draw the LIBERAL MEDIA's attention away from the fact that his young
daughters Jenna and Adri were always smorking and drinking alcols in
restaurants. DIDN'T YOU WONDER WHY ALL THE TEXAN NON-COCAINE-ADDICTS
IN THE WTC DIDN'T SHOW UP FOR WORK THAT DAY? You can learn more by
reading Mr. D. Pacheco's investigative report, "Ted Frank: All In All,
He's Just Another Brick In The Wall", conveniently condensed in the
latest issue of Reader's Digest, the magazine that's so important that
the Canadian legislators have to read it to find out why they can't
legalize marijuana [1].
JM
[1] put this URL back together:
http://www.parl.gc.ca/37/1/parlbus/chambus/house/
debates/011_2001-02-12/han011_1400-e.htm
...and see the section headed "drugs" at the bottom of the page
Darla Vladschyk
Clearly you haven't seen the Siegfried & Roy IMAX 3-D movie, featuring
Roy swinging into your face wearing his Giant Codpiece of DOOM, and
Siegfried solemnly intoning "Siegfried is the magician--- but ROY is
The Magic!!1!"
Alternately, any movie featuring Lou Diamond Phillips.
HTH!
-=D=-
_____________________________________________________________
.............................................................
http://www.thesalon.org/Darla
.............................................................
_____________________________________________________________
Rose Marie Holt
<e...@The-Institute.firm> claimed
> Also, what the fukkk is the point of Ed Begley Jr.? Does his family
> have some pederast blackmail pics on the Goldwins and Mayers the Begley
> Senior took? *Why* does he keep appearing in movies?
He was in Streets of FIre, even.
Ed Begley Sr was an actor. Maybe People OWE him. Or they mistook his
character in that Doctor show as a demo of an ability to act. If they could
have that Knight Rider guy act opposit EBJ in every movie EBJ is in, in
order to beat EBJ up, each movie would improve
I d id like the book She Devil and I kinda liked the movie cause Roseanne
and Meryl didnt mind looking wildly awful. Most of the stuff byt eh She
Devil author I find hard to slog through.
Rose Marie Holt
<rmh...@mindspring.com> claimed
> If they could
> have that Knight Rider guy
Sorry, I meant to say That John Adams guy.
Tamara
news:Xns917E8839B...@130.133.1.4...
> Rob Lomax (King_...@hotmail.com) wrote:
>
> > 1. ?
> >
> > I leave this space blank because there is always the possibility that
> > someone will make a film that digs itself new lows. "Baby Geniuses"
> > and "All the Way" made a good go at it, but I'm sure the worst is yet
> > to come.
>
> I nominate that Evel Knievel biopic that starts with this bizarre,
> otherworldly scene in which Young Evel stands in the middle of
> a desert road while a car honks its horn at him to get him out
> of the way, then suddenly the car plummets down into the earth.
> I didn't really see any of the movie after that part, because
> it already had me, Tamara, and Fool in tears. (We were watching
> this at Tamara's place.)
That was bizarrely hilarious! You *really* should have been here when Fool,
Andrew Jeanes and I watched Battlefield Earth. Possibly the worst movie
ever made.
~T (why do we always refer to Andrew as "Andrew Jeanes"? It should be one
word -- "Andrewjeanes.")
Karlo X
<221220010904593214%e...@The-Institute.firm>:
>Also, what the fukkk is the point of Ed Begley Jr.?
He was awesome in _This is Spinal Tap_.
k.
--
"In spite of everything, I still believe that people are
really good at heart." - Anne Frank
Matt McIrvin
E Teflon Piano <e...@The-Institute.firm> wrote:
> Also, what the fukkk is the point of Ed Begley Jr.?
He's powered by his own sense of self-satisfaction.
--
Matt McIrvin