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Just plane stupid [humor, long]

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Tad

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May 5, 1998, 3:00:00 AM5/5/98
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Archive-name: woodworking/nplane.faq
Last-modified: 4 May 1998
Posting-Frequency: once.
URL: None.

rec.woodworking Nahmite handplane FAQ:
Frequently asked questions about hand plane usage from
the brightly checkered perspective.

Alternate title: Just plane stupid.

CONTENTS:
1) I was watching the flannel clad god and I think he used a plane,
but there was no cord. Am I losing it?
2) Is it true that the flanneled one wears Martha's undies?
3) Should I try a hand plane?
4) There is an old plane at a local flea market for $5, should I
buy it, or would a new one be better?
5) I keep hearing these galoots talk about "plane tuning", what
in the world are they babbling on about?
6) What about wide boards? Is a hand plane useful in that isolated
instance?
7) Ok, I'm convinced, what power planer should I buy?

This FAQ is intended to help dispell the many myths propogated
by well meaning (but seriously whacked!) Galoots about hand plane usage.

---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------
1) I was watching the flannel clad god and I think he used a plane,
but there was no cord. Am I losing it?

Not quite. As it turns out, on at least one episode of NYWS, Nahm
was observed using something called a "block plane". This is
apparently different than a "bench plane" (according to certain
Galoots on rec.wood). Whatever. They both look like they do the
same thing to me...

According to a source at BPTV who asked to remain nameless, a certain
sponsor of NYWS noticed this as well and has "taken steps to resolve
the situation". One can only hope.

This source went on to say that the scene in question was meant
to be edited out and that she doesn't know how it slipped by the
censors^H^H^H^H^H^H^Heditors. She was very sincerely concerned
that children might have been watching. Frankly, so am I.

Just to be fair, the author of this FAQ also contacted a famous Galoot
for comment. This is what he had to say:

"Hah, you know that Nahm just uses power tools on his show. He
is really a closet Galoot. When he dreams, he dreams about hand
planing large walnut table tops [snip babbling about something
called an "infill?" WTHeck?... Also, what is a Neener?]"

Disturbing eh? Just goes to prove that there really are a lot of
wackos on the net.

---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------
2) Is it true that the flanneled one wears Martha's undies?

This can be neither confirmed nor denied at this time. Repeated
phone calls to every "Nahm" in the Boston phone book at 3am were
unsuccessful at resolving this controversy. The author will
continue to search for the truth in this matter. Stay tuned.

---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------
3) Should I try a hand plane?

Of course you should. That way, when some deranged Galoot posts
a "gloat" about his hand-planed figured cherry table, you'll know
that he's either lying or just plane crazy.

---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------
4) There is an old plane at a local flea market for $5, should I
buy it, or would a new one be better?

Why anybody would buy an old plane when shiny new ones are
so readily available is just beyond me.

In fact, what in the world are you doing at a flea market for
cripes sake? The likelyhood of finding a new Forrest blade at
one of these events is less than nil and you run the risk of
becoming infected with Galootoxin.

AVOID FLEA MARKETS AT ALL COST. SWMBO IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR THIS ONE!

Sorry for shouting, but this is important info. If it saves one
Normite, this FAQ will have been worth it.

---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------
5) I keep hearing these galoots talk about "plane tuning", what
in the world are they babbling on about?

Ok, here is the straight poop on "plane tuning". You owe it to
yourself to try this so that you too can laugh at Galoots.

Get yourself a new Stanley plane (see #4). Go ahead and get the
expensive one, it's not that much money and you can always take
it back when you are done with it.

Now, out of the box, this plane is pretty much useless for taking
off tons of material, so you'll need to spend some time modifying
it. Oh quit griping already, you tuned your tablesaw, you can
tune this plane too!

Take out your trusty belt sander and place upside down on the bench.
You YBs with the sanding centers can use those as well. You'll
want about a 50 grit belt for this operation. 35 if you're in a
big hurry to join the boys at the bar.

Turn on the belt sander full throttle and place the plane casting
on the belt. Apply some pressure, lean on it. This is known as
"lapping the sole". You'll know that it's done when the casting
is glowing a dull red color. Forgot the welding gloves eh? Ouch!

Next, remove the blade. We need to put a "microbevel" on it.
Go ahead and switch the sandpaper to about 60 grit for this
operation. With the sander once again at full speed, bear down
on the blade, sharpen at an angle slightly more than the factory
setting. You want to "wiggle" the blade side to side until you
get a nice smiley face shape to it. The happier the better. Try
not to grind into the "notch" in the blade as this will slightly
hamper performance. Once done, drop the red, glowing blade into
a bucket of water. I'm not sure what this step does, but do it
anyway, the Galoots say it's important.

Now, the final step. For some unexplained reason, plane
manufacturers have decided to ship planes with tight mouths or
"shaving aperature" (whatever the heck that means). We need to
open it up. Wider the better, but the practical limit seems to
be ~1/2" or so. First, loosen the screws on the "frog". It's
that big hunk of cast iron fastened to the sole and move it
back as far as it will go. If it got welded in place during the
lapping procedure, just whack it with a sledge or dead-blow mallet.
Remember, this isn't brain surgery. Tighten the screws. Better
Yet, just braze it in place. You don't want it to tighten up
during use.

You will need to attack the mouth with either a very large Bastahd
file or if you have one, a die grinder works dreamy ;) Some
Normites have also reported success with an acetyline torch, but
it takes a certain amount of finess. Just whack off metal until
you hit the magic 1/2" mark.

ED: Some Normites have reported that just lopping the plane off in front
of the blade does just as well and gets rid of that annoying
"handle" on the front. Only do this if you're not planning on
returning the plane when you are done. Then again, it's not
like the help at the local Mega-store even knows what a plane is
supposed to look like anyway. And think of the time you've
saved the next Normite... Hmmm... This requires further study.

Replace the blade in the plane and adjust until about 1/4" of
blade is sticking out. You may need to drill a new hole in the
iron to accomplish this. YMMV.

Now go attack some wood! In this author's humble opinion, antique
pine is the best choice to try this on. If you have any of that
old-growth redwood pulled out of the Great Salt Lake, it'll do in a
pinch.

I think you'll agree, hand planing is not for the faint of heart!
Aren't you glad that you bought your new power planer now? Go ahead
and celebrate by planing that barn beam down to 1/8" or thinner.

I'd like to see somebody do that with a hand plane!

---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------
6) What about wide boards? Is a hand plane useful in that isolated
instance?

If you have to ask this question, you obviously need to go to
answer #5. Read it again if you need to and just try it. You
owe it to yourself to find out how truly horrifying hand planing
really is.

The preferred method of dealing with this problem is to get a
bigger power planer. Even with the bigger planer, you'll still
need to rip all boards down to 4" or less to prevent warping,
but you still need the bigger planer. Cmon, you owe it to
yourself ;).

---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------
7) Ok, I'm convinced, what power planer should I buy?

Check the best Blurfl URL.

ED: Sorry, I seem to have misplaced this URL, the best bet for now, is
to just post to rec.woodworking with this question. Be sure to
activate HTML in your browser and imbed a JAVA app. This will
insure a quick response.

---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------

Disclaimer: My account must have been "hacked", it wasn't me. Nobody
saw me post this. Can't prove anything.

"Joining the boys at the bar" is really gender neutral if you
think about it. But this is the 'net, why would you want to
think? Sorry for the confusion.

Galootoxin is no laughing matter, think of the Chiiiildren who
might be affected. Call your Reps. Better yet, call out the
National Guard. We need to shut these swap meets down now!

Sorry for the political nature of this disclaimer, I disclaim
any knowledge of how it got there. I think my account was
"hacked" or something.

Jim W

unread,
May 5, 1998, 3:00:00 AM5/5/98
to

Tad wrote in message <6imd60$qq6$1...@ins8.netins.net>...


>Archive-name: woodworking/nplane.faq
>Last-modified: 4 May 1998
>Posting-Frequency: once.
>URL: None.
>

> "Joining the boys at the bar" is really gender neutral if you
> think about it

SWMBO thought about it and told me that joining the boys at the bar better
NOT be gender neutral 8^).

Jim W.
mech...@agt.net

Don Levey

unread,
May 5, 1998, 3:00:00 AM5/5/98
to

Do we join them to each other, or to something else?
Oh, well, I guess it depends on the bar.

-Don


On Tue, 5 May 1998 12:46:09 -0600, "Jim W" <mech...@tga.ten> wrote:

>
>Tad wrote in message <6imd60$qq6$1...@ins8.netins.net>...

>>Archive-name: woodworking/nplane.faq
>>Last-modified: 4 May 1998
>>Posting-Frequency: once.
>>URL: None.
>>

>> "Joining the boys at the bar" is really gender neutral if you

>> think about it
>
>SWMBO thought about it and told me that joining the boys at the bar better
>NOT be gender neutral 8^).
>
>Jim W.
>mech...@agt.net
>
>

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