LOTR as if written by other authors
Count Menelvagor
>
> How various authors would have written "Lord of the Rings":
>
> Lord of the Rings Take 2
>
> One of the cult novels of the 1970s turned out to be Lord of
> the Rings. Written by one of the unlikeliest of best-selling
> authors, it affected a large number of people, not least of
> them being those people now in their teens saddled with names
> like Galadriel. But how would this book have turned out had
> it been written by someone else?
>
>
> Lord of the Rings, by Ian Fleming.
>
> Aragorn placed his hand on the cool, ivory hilt of his
> 6.38 Anduril sword, half-holding it in as casual manner as
> possible. His eyes swept the room of the Prancing Pony,
> eyeing up the potential threats. He took out his pipe, made
> from the warmed heartwood of a mature oak. In the palm of his
> left hand, he unwrapped his leather tobacco pouch filled, as
> he preferred, with Gondorian Silk Cut. Aragorn preferred it
> to the harsher, stronger Numenorian blend...
>
> ~~~
>
> Lord of the Rings, by PG Wodehouse.
>
> "Sam, I've decided to go and overthrow the Dark Lord by
> tossing his jewellery into a volcano."
>
> "Very good, sir. Should I lay out your crazy adventure
> garb? I presume that this will pose a delay to tea-time. I
> would remind your Hobbitship that your Great Aunt Lobellia
> Sackville-Baggins is expected for tea."
>
> "Blast! I say, bother! How can a chap overthrow the
> Dark Lord? I suppose I'll have to delay my campaign."
>
> "Very good, sir. I believe you will be free in about a decade."
>
> "I'll do it then. Make a note, Sam."
>
> ~~~
>
> Lord of the Rings, by Bernard Cornwell.
>
> "God save Rohan, will ye look at all those orcies,"
> said Sergeant Eomer, looking down the slope near Helm's Deep.
> "Thousands upon thousands of them, and not a single guard."
>
> Aragorn looked at the multitude. He was a professional
> soldier, born and bred in a hedgerow, good only for war and
> fighting. Unlike the other officers, he didn't come from the
> Nobility, and was looked down by most. 'Nosey' Gandalf had
> given him his commission, and his sword, for saving his life
> in battle. "You're right, Sergeant Eomer. Let's see what we
> can do with these Numenorian bows"....
>
> ~~~
>
> Lord of the Rings, by Oscar Wilde.
>
> "He bested me in a riddle contest."
>
> "A riddle contest?"
>
> "It was so. And he cheated."
>
> "To cheat in a riddle contest is a riddle in itself,
> and is therefore not cheating, but just another riddle."
>
> "He cheated and asked me what he had in his pockets."
>
> "He picked and pocketed a pretty prize, performing
> perfidious behaviour. How very noble, so like our own Lords
> and Masters..."
>
> ~~~
>
> Yes, Dark Lord, by Lynn & Jay.
>
> "Ah, Lord Sauron. I have here the draft of your speech
> to the Nazgul Committee on Running Water."
> "Still waters run deep, Sir Grishnakh?"
>
> "Er, with respect, Dark Lord, if waters are still, then
> they can't run at all, deep or shallow."
>
> "Thank you, Bernard. Where would we be without you.
> What's the gist of my speech?"
>
> "Essentially, Lord Sauron, that the policy of the Dark
> Lord Administration is to avoid having a policy, and that the
> absence of a policy does not betoken a lack of policy, but a
> policy of policy limitation, limiting policy intiatives to
> initial policy outlines, without precluding disparate policy
> intiatives within the policy outlines."
>
> "Pardon?"
>
> "You'll tell them they can do what they like, Lord Sauron."....
>
> ~~~
>
> Lord of the Rings, by Rudyard Kipling
>
> I went round to an elven inn, to buy a glass o' beer
>
> The owner looked at me long-nosed, "We don't serve your kind here"
>
> The elf maids giggled fit to die, pointing out my height
>
> But I swim in booze whenever there is Evil in the Night.
>
> Yes it's Gimli this and Gimli that
>
> And go away you brute
>
> But its To the Front, our faithful friend
>
> When the bows begin to shoot.....
>
> ~~~
>
> Lord of the Rings, by Raymond Chandler
>
> "Frodo Baggins?" said the old man in the doorway, rain
> dripping from his oversized hat with all the ease of a dwarf
> burrowing after gold.
>
> "That's the name on the door. Guess I'm gullible enough
> to believe what it says about me."
>
> The old man came in and dripped water on the earth floor.
> Added a touch of class, so I didn't complain.
>
> "Frodo, you've got a problem."
>
> "I pay my taxes, and I'm clean with the Rangers. What's
> my problem?"
>
> "Bilbo shafted you with that heirloom. Gold ring? Gold
> ringer, more like."
>
> "A dud, huh. Can't say I'm surprised."
>
> "If it was a dud, you wouldn't have a problem. Your
> problem is that this little heirloom has a history, a history
> with a pearl-handled stiletto in the back. It goes back all the way
through
> the biggest string of mugs you find as wallpaper on Minas Tirith's
> finest. Goes all the way back to Night-Time Sauron....."
>
> ~~~
>
> Lord of the Rings, by George Lucas
>
> "Did you ever wonder who your father was, Frodo?"
>
> "Uncle Bilbo was my father, Obi Gan Dalf."
>
> "Your Uncle is a fine man, but he is not your father.
>
> Your father was a fine warrior and a great captain, strong in
> the Force. He was called Sarumann the Wise, and he was a good friend."
>
> "Was? Is he dead?"
>
> "He is no more. It is your destiny to avenge his death, young Baggins."
>
> ~~~
>
> Lord of the Rings, by Dylan Thomas
>
> I whistled defiantly as I walked down the streets of
> Under Mount Doom. Auntie Grima was baking orc bread, and the
> smell wafted over the streets
> like a miasma of wonderment. She was a dried-up woman, who
> cursed everytime the pit was mentioned, that death-dealing,
> life-giving pit. It was precious to us even though it killed
> us, our precious it was, but we didn't care about it as much
> as we cared about the grilled human ears we had for tea.
>
> "Dopey!" called my friend across the street to me, his
> voice echoing around our brown fields. "Dopey, you going to
> see the game?"
>
> There was always a game on. We didn't watch it, we
> devoured it, and when it was over, we played it out again and
> again, with a ball instead of a captive's head. Grishna was
> always Garth Lliwams, and I was always Jaypeeare. He was
> magic, and when we finished, we would go home and dream of Nazgul....
>
> ~~~
>
> Lord of the Rings, by George MacDonald Fraser
>
> I never could stand that Boromir. Stuck up and
> arrogant. Still, I fixed him good in his turn. I remember
> thinking, when the halflings rushed off, that's yours,
> Boromir. But I'm getting ahead of the story. It all started
> back in Rivendell. It was all Gandalf's fault, of course.
> Nearly every disaster of the Third Age was. But this time he
> outdid himself. His idea of a good plan was to take this
> wonder weapon we had chanced upon, and throw it away.
> Couldn't even throw it away in the sea, like any sane chap.
> No, his plan was to take it all the way into the middle of
> enemy territory, where there were millions of orcs and
> others, and throw it into a volcano knowing that the d....d
> thing will explode. There was a long silence, and Gandalf
> then said "Volunteers only, of course." Then everyone looked
> towards me....
>
> ~~~
>
> Lord of the Rings, by James Joyce
>
> Old man willow, whistling like a tea pot, shining like
> a star, oh so brilliant in the dreaming and smoke and by the
> river, Goldberry's river, dancing like a vision, Bombadil,
> Bombadil, Bombadillo. Rock of ages, young and ageless, naked
> before my eyes like Rivendell Rock, sweet and hard and trusting....
>
> ~~~
>
> Lord of the Rings, by Meatloaf
>
> It was a hot summer's day in the Marsh of the Dead
> There was fog crawling over the swamp
> I could listen to the screams of the Dead Men Calling
> I could see their empty
> eyes and the candles blowing in the wind.
>
> You were licking your finger
> With the Ring of Power and I was dying just to ask for a taste
> We were dancing together up on the Crack of Doom
> And no-ones gonna know what we've done.
>
> ~~~
>
> Bagenders
>
> Gaffer Gamgee was relating the doings of the Baggins
> down at the old Green Dragon. "I tell you, they ain't proper
> Bagenders, with them noses in the air, not like our Samkin,
> who can turn up a turnip pretty as you please. Now Lobellia,
> she's all right. Nah, she is. But Bilbo? Remember that
> business with the Old Dwarfs? And what did that Bilbo give me
> on his eleventy first? Wine. I asks you. Do I look like a
> wine drinker? Yeah, I knows I drunk it, but that's not the point..."
>
> ~~~
>
> Lord of the Rings, by Christopher Martin-Jenkins
>
> "It's a lovely summer's evening here in the Paths of
> the Dead. Aragorn has won the toss, and has decided to bat.
> Interesting decision, and Jonathon Agnew has some news on
> that, so I'll pass you over to Jonathon while Fred cuts me a
> slice of that delicious orc cake sent in by Mrs Galadriel of
> Lorien Wood. Thank you Mrs Galadriel."
>
> "Well, Chris, I've just been speaking with Eowyn, who
> said that she had recommended that Aragorn should send the
> other side in to the Paths of the Dead first. It seems that
> opening in there can be nasty. Bit of an uncomfortable pitch.
> The green slopes of Pelenor Fields are much more suitable to
> the opening pair of Aragorn and Eomer. Raggers seems keen to
> play a Captain's innings today. I gather the bearded wonder
> has some statistics for us?"
>
> "According to my records, the last time anyone went in
> on the Paths of the Dead, it was a sticky wicket."
>
> "I wonder if we'll see that again today. Well, Raggers
> has come out, and I must say, his new sword looks a lot
> better. Reforged, I hear. Fred?"
>
> "I don't know about forged or reforged, but he'll need
> to show more application than he has done. Treated his sword
> like it were broken."
>
> "That's true, but he has done some remarkable running
> between the countries. Oh dear, it looks like they're going
> in for the day. Yes, they're definitely going in to the Paths
> of the Dead...."
>
> ~~~
>
> Lord of the Rings, by Andrew Lloyd Weber
>
> Don't cry for me, Numenoria
> The truth is, you never sank down
> Beneath those wild waves
> Those deep sea wild waves
> You never left from
>
> This Middle Earth
>
> ~~~
>
> Lord of the Rings, by Gene Roddenbury
>
> "The Halflings, cap'n, they will na take the strain"
>
> "Strider, we've got to get out of this snow. Legolas,
> did you get a reading on that creature?"
>
> "Fascinating, Captain. It appears to be an unknown
> creature that lurks in the pool waiting for passing
> strangers. Ecologically implausible, captain."
>
> "Do you know what it is?"
>
> "I believe I said it was unknown, Dr Gimli. Logically,
> if I knew what it was, then it wouldn't be unknown."
>
> "Cap'n, we're in some sort of temporal warp, stretching
> and deforming the plot. The snow should take place a day
> before our encounter with this beastie."
>
> "Captain, what are we going to do."
>
> "Boromir, put on that red armour."....
>
> ~~~
>
> Lord of the Rings, by D H Lawrence
>
> Arwen Evenstar stitched, her hands moving over the soft
> silk of the flag. Her hands moving, her mind roved, as free
> as she was herself trapped. Aragorn was far, far away, but
> active. She thought of his maleness, and stitched faster. Her
> hands brushed the silken flag, and she looked across the
> sward, eyes passing over the elven gamekeeper without seeing
> him, yet seeing everything....
>
> Laura
> )*( )*( )*( )*(
> "Fantasy is hardly an escape from reality.
> It's a way of understanding it."
> Lloyd Alexander
>
stephen nipperess
Frodo looked out of his Apartment window at the giant poster of 'Big Sauron'
on the wall opposite. It showed a giant lidless eye surrounded by flames and
printed in big letters undernieth read 'Big Sauron is watching you'. Frodo
returned to his diary and wrote.
'The ring is death. The ring does not entail death. The ring is death.
Even before I have placed it on my finger I have commited the essential
crime from which all else follows.
'To the past or to the future. To a time when thought is free and
hobbits are different from one another and do not live alone.
From the age of the ring police, from age of Big Sauron, from a dead
man. Greeting.'
Lord of the Rings by William Gibson
The sky above Middle Earth was the colour of a television tuned to a
dead channel.
Middle Earth was a giant semiotic consential hallusination enjoyed by
thousands of ligitimate users every day. It was powered by a massive
computer network generating a virtual matrix. The Middle Earth matrix was so
real that many of those who used it were not even aware that it was
artificial.
Case was aware. Every day he jacked in with his Oni Sedai deck. Taking
on the outer appearance and peronality of the Avatar he had invented called
Gandalf. Every day he played out a long winded roleplaying game Sauron had
placed as ice around his data to disuade would be hackers. Black Ice, a game
in which you could die.
Cases mission was simple. To destroy Sauron's security system,
manesfesting itself within the Matrix as a ring. If he could convince others
to help, the raw data of Sauron Industries would his for the taking. Well,
the Yukaza's assuming they would come up with the money.
Count Menelvagor <Menel...@mailandnews.com> wrote in message
news:6bfb27a8.02011...@posting.google.com...
> Forward received in the mail:
(snip)
Evil Sponge
"Dinnae talk tae me 'boot fuckin' pipeweed, Pippen, this shit is nae fer
real," said Merry.
"But I dinnae want noo fuckin' Heroin, or whatae'r et's called," answered
Pippin. "And should'nae we be helping McGandalf faends a way tae destroy the
fuckin' ring, oor Merry?"
"A couldnae gi' a fuck aboot the ring, ya wee brainless hobbit cunt, just
gimme some more o' this fuckin' shet... A jes' need one moor fucken' het."
Öjevind Lång
>Forward received in the mail:
>
>
>>
>> How various authors would have written "Lord of the Rings":
>>
[snip]
>> Lord of the Rings, by Oscar Wilde.
>>
>> "He bested me in a riddle contest."
>>
>> "A riddle contest?"
>>
>> "It was so. And he cheated."
>>
>> "To cheat in a riddle contest is a riddle in itself,
>> and is therefore not cheating, but just another riddle."
>>
>> "He cheated and asked me what he had in his pockets."
>>
>> "He picked and pocketed a pretty prize, performing
>> perfidious behaviour. How very noble, so like our own Lords
>> and Masters..."
My favourite, I think.
[snip]
>> Lord of the Rings, by Raymond Chandler
>>
>> "Frodo Baggins?" said the old man in the doorway, rain
>> dripping from his oversized hat with all the ease of a dwarf
>> burrowing after gold.
>>
>> "That's the name on the door. Guess I'm gullible enough
>> to believe what it says about me."
>>
>> The old man came in and dripped water on the earth floor.
>> Added a touch of class, so I didn't complain.
>>
>> "Frodo, you've got a problem."
>>
>> "I pay my taxes, and I'm clean with the Rangers. What's
>> my problem?"
>>
>> "Bilbo shafted you with that heirloom. Gold ring? Gold
>> ringer, more like."
>>
>> "A dud, huh. Can't say I'm surprised."
>>
>> "If it was a dud, you wouldn't have a problem. Your
>> problem is that this little heirloom has a history, a history
>> with a pearl-handled stiletto in the back. It goes back all the way
>through
>> the biggest string of mugs you find as wallpaper on Minas Tirith's
>> finest. Goes all the way back to Night-Time Sauron....."
LOL
[snip]
>> Lord of the Rings, by Dylan Thomas
I don't want to leave too much unsnipped, but this one is glorious.
[snip]
>> Lord of the Rings, by James Joyce
>>
>> Old man willow, whistling like a tea pot, shining like
>> a star, oh so brilliant in the dreaming and smoke and by the
>> river, Goldberry's river, dancing like a vision, Bombadil,
>> Bombadil, Bombadillo. Rock of ages, young and ageless, naked
>> before my eyes like Rivendell Rock, sweet and hard and trusting....
My God, that *is* James Joyce.
[snip]
>> Lord of the Rings, by Andrew Lloyd Weber
>>
>> Don't cry for me, Numenoria
>> The truth is, you never sank down
>> Beneath those wild waves
>> Those deep sea wild waves
>> You never left from
ROTFLMAO
Great post!
Öjevind
JRStern
Menelvagor) wrote:
>> How various authors would have written "Lord of the Rings":
Lord of the Rings by Cheech and Chong
"Elrond, I got it, I got the ring, open the door, man, I got it!"
"Who's there?"
"It's me, Frodo, man, open the door, I got the thing, man."
"Frodo?"
"Yeah, Frodo, it's me, hurry up, I think there are nine Nazgul
following me, open the door, man."
"Frodo?"
"Yeah, Frodo, come on, open the door!"
"Frodo?"
"Yeah, ..."
"Frodo's not here."
...
Jon
Öjevind Lång <ojevin...@swipnet.se> wrote:
> >> Lord of the Rings, by Dylan Thomas
> I don't want to leave too much unsnipped, but this one is glorious.
Didn't get this one - can someone repost please?
Jon.
--
_ _ _
/ \ / \ / \ jgh...@argonet.co.uk * j...@acornarcade.com
( J | o | n )http://www.argonet.co.uk/users/jghall/
\_/ \_/ \_/ 7, High Street, Balrog Cuttings, TEUNC.
Run eels, run!!!
Miles Kurland
The elf was utterly pale and smooth, as if she were sculpted
from bleached bone, and her face was as seemingly inanimate as
a statue, except for two brilliant blue eyes that looked down
at the hobbit intently like flames in a porcelain lantern.
Then the elf smiled almost wistfully, and the smooth white
substance of her face moved with infinitely flexible but minimal
lines. She drew herself up to her full marvelous preternatural
stature, and spoke.
"The great test has finally come, and I have mastered it. I refuse
the power offered me. My fate shall be to diminish, and travel into
the West, and yet I shall remain Galadriel... Queen of the Elves!"
---
Miles Kurland
Tim O'Neill
Boromir stooped and picking up a large stone he cast it far into the
dark
water.
'Why did you do that, Boromir?' said Frodo. 'I hate this place, too, and
I am afraid. I don't know of what: not of wolves, or the dark behind
the
doors, but of something else. I am afraid of the pool. Don't disturb
it!'
Frodo didn't mention why he was afraid of the pool, for he didn't want
to tell of obscene hints he had picked up in some of Bilbo's more
obscure tomes, or the disturbing and blasphemous fragments of lore he
had learnt from ancient books by long forgotten sages. For too long he
had been tormented by the knowledge that there were dark and eldritch
powers in the earth - powers that writhe and gibber in the dark angles
between space and time.
'I was wrong after all,' said Gandalf, 'The opening word was on the
archway all the time. The translation should have been: Say "friend"
and enter. I had only to speak the Elvish word for 'friend' and the
doors opened. Quite simple.'
'Too simple' thought Frodo anxiously, as Gandalf set his foot on the
lowest step and strode forward. Would the roiling and bubbling
obscenties which had clearly made these doors in antediluvian eons
past have really made it so easy to enter? What nameless, gibbering
horrors lay in the dusty darkness within? Dark young of Shub-niggurath?
Servants of Cthulu Himself? He shuddered at the memory of the
long years he spent howling in the mental hospice at Michel Delving
after foolishly uttering a summoning spell from a dusty, age-encrusted
grimoire several years before and summoned a gibbering faceless
horror from beyond the edges of madness.
Shaking off the unclean memory he rose to follow Gandalf, but at that
moment several things happened. Frodo felt something seize him by the
ankle, and he fell with a cry. Bill the pony gave a wild neigh of fear
and
turned tail and dashed away along the lakeside into the darkness. The
others swung round and saw the waters of the lake were seething, as if
a host of snakes were swimming up from the southern end.
Out of the water a long sinuous TENTACLE had crawled. It was
completely indescriable - let me describe it for you in detail: it was
pale green and luminous and wet. Its fingered end had hold of Frodo's
foot and was dragging him into the water. Sam on his kness was
chanting in a low, horrible voice 'That is not dead which can eternal
lie, and with strange eons even death may die.'
The arm let go of Frodo and Aragorn pulled him away, crying for
help. Twenty other arms came rippling out. The dark water boiled
and there was a hideous stench, the dull monotonous beat of
obscene drums and the thin whine of eldritch flutes as the very
fabric of reality warped and twisted in a foul parody of the parameters
of Euclidean physics.
'Into the gateway! Up the stairs! Quick!' shouted Gandalf, levelling
his uncle's shotgun at the gibbering blasphemous horror from beyond
the stars, 'We must escape before anyone else fails their sanity
rolls!'
(Sorry, that was a bit too action-packed and rather too light
on repetitive adjectives for Lovecraft's turgidly silly prose.)
Tim O'Neill
NSmith1002
to throw the One Ring into the Cracks
of Doom.
So howled out for Arda to give him a name.
The in-dark answered with wind.
All you know I know: flying Nazgul and
deep Elves glancing at the Sun before
lunch; Halflings cowling under tree roots
and Dwarves sharpening their axes; Orc
raids; know that men in Bree shook their
heads last week because in six months
the prices of Longbottom Leaf have risen outlandishly; how lembas tastes after
you've held it in your mouth, dry, a whole minute.
A whole minute he squatted, pebbles clutched with his left foot (the hairiest
one), listening to his breath sound tumble down the ledges.
(879 pages later)
The sky is stripped. I am too weak to write much.But I still hear them walking
in the trees; not speaking. Waiting here, away from the terrifying weaponry,
out of the halls of vapor and light, beyond Ithilien and into the hills, I have
come to
Ed Falis
> The Lord of the Rings by Samuel R. Delany
Very well done ;-)
Evil Sponge
"Öjevind Lång" <ojevin...@swipnet.se> wrote in message
news:aDZ18.5479$O5.1...@nntpserver.swip.net...
> Count Menelvagor wrote:
>
> ROTFLMAO
>
> Great post!
>
> Öjevind
>
>
I guess he was going to do a Charles Dickens one, but Peter Jackson beat him
to it with his portrayal of Bree...
Evil Sponge
Celaeno
>The Lord of the Rings by H.P. Lovecraft
>Out of the water a long sinuous TENTACLE had crawled. It was
>completely indescriable - let me describe it for you in detail:
ROFL!!!
Cel
Tim O'Neill
Celaeno wrote:
I'm glad someone got that bit (despite the typo). I love the way
old H.P.L. would tell his readers how his critters were beyond
description and then spend three paragraphs describing them
from head to toe. And they almost always had TENTACLES.
Lovecraft - the best worst writer I ever chortled through.
Tim O'Neill
D.G. Porter
>
> The Lord of the Rings by H.P. Lovecraft
>
> Boromir stooped and picking up a large stone he cast it far into the
> dark water.
[snip]
> The arm let go of Frodo and Aragorn pulled him away, crying for
> help. Twenty other arms came rippling out. The dark water boiled
> and there was a hideous stench,
...as Boromir pooped his pants.
D.G. Porter
>
> Celaeno wrote:
>
> > You will not evade me, Tim O'Neill <sca...@bigpond.com>:
> >
> > >The Lord of the Rings by H.P. Lovecraft
> >
> > >Out of the water a long sinuous TENTACLE had crawled. It was
> > ^
> > ROFL!!!
>
> I'm glad someone got that bit (despite the typo). I love the way
> old H.P.L. would tell his readers how his critters were beyond
> description and then spend three paragraphs describing them
> from head to toe. And they almost always had TENTACLES.
And a horrible stench (usually alluding to some kind of seafood).
Hell for HPL -- working forever in a tempura factory.
D.G. Porter
>
> The Lord of the Rings by H.P. Lovecraft
>
> pale green and luminous and wet.
"He was covered in green slime -- nothing more did I ever get from his
mouth than the marks of his teeth -- I was glad to be rid of his
company, for he stank."
NSmith1002
Thanks, I just couldn't resist! ;-)
Somewhere out there I've read
a cross between Winnie the Pooh
and Dhalgren that is very funny...
neil
Bilan
was something abysmally wrong about their dimensions
Tim O'Neill
Bilan wrote:
> you might have referred to the doors as "Cyclopean" and mentioned that there
> was something abysmally wrong about their dimensions
'The angles were, somehow, wrong'?
I did mention non-Euclidean dimensions though. But I should have
used the word 'eldritch' more.
Tim O'Neill
Öjevind Lång
[snip]
>Didn't get this one - can someone repost please?
All right - here it is:
Från: Count Menelvagor <Menel...@mailandnews.com>
Ämne: LOTR as if written by other authors
Datum: den 18 januari 2002 05:13
>Forward received in the mail:
>
> How various authors would have written "Lord of the Rings":
>
> Lord of the Rings, by Oscar Wilde.
>
> "He bested me in a riddle contest."
>
> "A riddle contest?"
>
> "It was so. And he cheated."
>
> "To cheat in a riddle contest is a riddle in itself,
> and is therefore not cheating, but just another riddle."
>
> "He cheated and asked me what he had in his pockets."
>
> "He picked and pocketed a pretty prize, performing
> perfidious behaviour. How very noble, so like our own Lords
> and Masters..."
>
> Lord of the Rings, by Raymond Chandler
>
> "Frodo Baggins?" said the old man in the doorway, rain
> dripping from his oversized hat with all the ease of a dwarf
> burrowing after gold.
>
> "That's the name on the door. Guess I'm gullible enough
> to believe what it says about me."
>
> The old man came in and dripped water on the earth floor.
> Added a touch of class, so I didn't complain.
>
> "Frodo, you've got a problem."
>
> "I pay my taxes, and I'm clean with the Rangers. What's
> my problem?"
>
> "Bilbo shafted you with that heirloom. Gold ring? Gold
> ringer, more like."
>
> "A dud, huh. Can't say I'm surprised."
>
> "If it was a dud, you wouldn't have a problem. Your
> problem is that this little heirloom has a history, a history
> with a pearl-handled stiletto in the back. It goes back all the way
through
> the biggest string of mugs you find as wallpaper on Minas Tirith's
> finest. Goes all the way back to Night-Time Sauron....."
>
> ~~~
>
> Lord of the Rings, by George Lucas
>
> "Did you ever wonder who your father was, Frodo?"
>
> "Uncle Bilbo was my father, Obi Gan Dalf."
>
> "Your Uncle is a fine man, but he is not your father.
>
> Your father was a fine warrior and a great captain, strong in
> the Force. He was called Sarumann the Wise, and he was a good friend."
>
> "Was? Is he dead?"
>
> "He is no more. It is your destiny to avenge his death, young Baggins."
>
> ~~~
>
> Lord of the Rings, by Dylan Thomas
>
> Lord of the Rings, by James Joyce
>
> Old man willow, whistling like a tea pot, shining like
> a star, oh so brilliant in the dreaming and smoke and by the
> river, Goldberry's river, dancing like a vision, Bombadil,
> Bombadil, Bombadillo. Rock of ages, young and ageless, naked
> before my eyes like Rivendell Rock, sweet and hard and trusting....
>
> Lord of the Rings, by Andrew Lloyd Weber
>
> Don't cry for me, Numenoria
> The truth is, you never sank down
> Beneath those wild waves
> Those deep sea wild waves
> You never left from
>
Morgil Blackhope
Tim O'Neill kirjoitti viestissä <3C48E26F...@bigpond.com>...
>The Lord of the Rings by H.P. Lovecraft
>Out of the water a long sinuous TENTACLE had crawled. It was
>completely indescriable - let me describe it for you in detail: it was
>pale green and luminous and wet. Its fingered end had hold of Frodo's
>foot and was dragging him into the water. Sam on his kness was
>chanting in a low, horrible voice 'That is not dead which can eternal
>lie, and with strange eons even death may die.'
LOL
>(Sorry, that was a bit too action-packed and rather too light
>on repetitive adjectives for Lovecraft's turgidly silly prose.)
Indeed it reminded me more of Aughust Derlecth's
Lovecraft imitations...
"turgidly silly"??? Troll!!
:)
Morgil
Tim O'Neill
Morgil Blackhope wrote:
> Tim O'Neill kirjoitti viestissä <3C48E26F...@bigpond.com>...
> >The Lord of the Rings by H.P. Lovecraft
>
> >Out of the water a long sinuous TENTACLE had crawled. It was
> >completely indescriable - let me describe it for you in detail: it was
> >pale green and luminous and wet. Its fingered end had hold of Frodo's
> >foot and was dragging him into the water. Sam on his kness was
> >chanting in a low, horrible voice 'That is not dead which can eternal
> >lie, and with strange eons even death may die.'
>
> LOL
Thanks.
> >(Sorry, that was a bit too action-packed and rather too light
> >on repetitive adjectives for Lovecraft's turgidly silly prose.)
>
> Indeed it reminded me more of Aughust Derlecth's
> Lovecraft imitations...
Very true.
> "turgidly silly"??? Troll!!
C'mon - read 'The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath' lately? Hilarious! ;)
Tim O'Neill
Morgil Blackhope
stephen nipperess kirjoitti viestissä
<3c47b3ba$0$4279$afc3...@news.optusnet.com.au>...
>Lord of the Rings by George Orwell
>
>news:6bfb27a8.02011...@posting.google.com...
>> Forward received in the mail:
>(snip)
Aragorn stood in the middle of the room, spinning
Anduril over his head.
"Who will die first?" he muttered grinning cruelly.
The servants hesitated. Even though they were ruthless
and brutal men, they still belonged to a race generally
concidered "civilized". But now they were against a
majestetic figure of pure barbarism - a Ranger, a natural
born killer.
"Haste! Haste!" cried Denethor. "Slay me this usurper!
Or must I do so myself?"
Meanwhile his son Faramir was listening a strange tale
of a slave called Saur-onn.
"I speak the truth, my Lord! Once in the past I was a
great Necromancer in the East. But a thief stole my
Ring, and with it I lost all my powers..."
"A ring?" said Faramir, who had barely listened. "Oh,
that reminds me about the nice golden ring I convenscated
few days ago from some wandering halfling. He seemed
very attached to it. Now where did I put it..."
Morgil
wrob
> How various authors would have written "Lord of the Rings":
>
> Lord of the Rings Take 2
>
> One of the cult novels of the 1970s turned out to be Lord of
> the Rings. Written by one of the unlikeliest of best-selling
> authors, it affected a large number of people, not least of
> them being those people now in their teens saddled with names
> like Galadriel. But how would this book have turned out had
> it been written by someone else?
>
>
Lord of the Rings, by Stephen King.
~~~
From the Portland (Me.) Herald, September 16, 1999:
VOLCANIC ERUPTION CONTINUES OFF COAST OF NEW ZEALAND
Seismic after-effects recorded locally by Derry Institute
Headlines from the Derry (Me.) Post, January 30, 1969:
POLICE SEARCH FOR "RED EYE" PRANKSTER
Local youths solve case of missing "Stormcrow" vagrant
//Oh dance in the dark of night,
Sing to the mornin' light.
The magic runes are writ in gold
To bring the balance back.// --Led Zeppelin
1
It was always like that when Sam thought back to the three hobbits,
Merry, Pippin, and Fatty Bolger, good ol' Fatty, how the fuck could
they have ever forgotten about him so fast? Left behind, or mumbled
something about how he would guard Crickhollow for them while they
escaped into the deep woods beyond the Hedge. //Guard// it against the
nameless evil they had brought with them into Buckland. Yeah, right.
But that was long ago, Sam thought, //when we were tweens//. Things
were different now, here, as he lay in agony on the slopes of the
Emyn Muil.
//left behind,// Sam thought.
That was a title of a book that he had seen in Rivendell, or a series
of books actually, or was that just something Bilbo had told him? Old
Bilbo. He had gotten a bit batty as time went on, but not like Mr.
Frodo was now, mindfully, pardon the expression, Mr. Frodo. For some
reason he couldn't get the sound of horns out of his head. The Horn
of Buckland. //horns? am I going insane? the horn of buckland hasn't
been blown in a thousand years, not since old bullroarer took went and
fucked the duck.//
Now he was beginning to suspect the horns were actually voices, but
that couldn't be, because the voices were //real//, the voices were
the same ones he had heard in dreams sitting around the fire with
Uncle Bilbo (that same dreaded //sssibilant// sound), the other Bilbo's
own as he told them riddles. //(riddles in the dark, yes, come down and
eat chicken with us, it's sooo dark)//
But this was not that Bilbo of old, this was the voice Bilbo had uttered
in the House of Elrond //(please let us hold it one more time?)// And
Frodo's voice had become stern and masterful then, and he spoke with the
same voice of Command that Sam imagined now, except that that hadn't
happened yet, had it?
//No, // Sam thought, for at that moment it came to Sam that Frodo was
currently being throttled to death by a nameless, schizophenic creature
from the depths of old Bilbo's imagination. A creature that spoke with
two voices.
Sam had names for those voices: Slinker and Stinker.
//but know you one thing, Sam old fellow: if Mr. Frodo ever
uses// that //voice on you, there'll be nothing for it but to follow him
into the bowels of the earth, whether you like it or not.//
With that encouraging thought in mind, Sam grabbed the end of the
Elven-rope and, with an excruciating jolt of pain, forced himself upright.
2
Defro had //known// that somewhere, beyond the Circles of the World, this
had happened before. The four of them had found the body of Eddie "Greyteeth"
Jones. //(there's an eye opener and no mistake)// But now Sam had grasped the
man's neck, had assumed the same inhuman position as the creature which might
have killed him, not to defile the body as they had initially thought, but
to resuscitate him, to bring him back to life.
[...]
~~~
Evil Sponge
"wrob" <wr...@erols.com> wrote in message news:3C4C22A3...@erols.com...
LOL.... this is excellent.... I was gonna have a go at SK myself, but I
couldn't be bothered... nice job :o)
Boris Badenov
|The Lord of the Rings
|by E. E. Doc Smith
Great! Wonderful stuff, but you got the wrong book. Sauron is _really_ ....
Marc C. Duquesne!
Count Menelvagor
> stephen nipperess kirjoitti viestissä
> <3c47b3ba$0$4279$afc3...@news.optusnet.com.au>...
> >Lord of the Rings by George Orwell
> >
> >Count Menelvagor <Menel...@mailandnews.com> wrote in message
> >news:6bfb27a8.02011...@posting.google.com...
> >> Forward received in the mail:
> >(snip)
> Robert E. Howard:
>
> Aragorn stood in the middle of the room, spinning
> Anduril over his head.
> "Who will die first?" he muttered grinning cruelly.
<sneep>
Knot bad a ta;l;!
Strange though: I psot this, it disappears for a fu dazs, nad now
suddenly it'g sot 25 pstos ...
Count Menelvagor
> Count Menelvagor wrote:
<s>
> >> Lord of the Rings, by Raymond Chandler
> >>
> >> "Frodo Baggins?" said the old man in the doorway, rain
> >> dripping from his oversized hat with all the ease of a dwarf
> >> burrowing after gold.
> >>
> >> "That's the name on the door. Guess I'm gullible enough
> >> to believe what it says about me."
> >>
> >> The old man came in and dripped water on the earth floor.
> >> Added a touch of class, so I didn't complain.
> >>
> >> "Frodo, you've got a problem."
> >>
> >> "I pay my taxes, and I'm clean with the Rangers. What's
> >> my problem?"
> >>
> >> "Bilbo shafted you with that heirloom. Gold ring? Gold
> >> ringer, more like."
> >>
> >> "A dud, huh. Can't say I'm surprised."
> >>
> >> "If it was a dud, you wouldn't have a problem. Your
> >> problem is that this little heirloom has a history, a history
> >> with a pearl-handled stiletto in the back. It goes back all the way
> through
> >> the biggest string of mugs you find as wallpaper on Minas Tirith's
> >> finest. Goes all the way back to Night-Time Sauron....."
THink this one's *ym* vaforite ...
> Great post!
Wlel, I'm jsut the messenger.:-]
The Winter Raven
by Marion Zimmer Bradley
I am here to tell the tale of a great jouney, mortal men will
re-write history and my role will fall by the wayside. Men who fear me
will make me a witch, or worse, will weaken my image untill nothing
remains of my story. But mine is the true tale. Of love and deceit,
how one little man rode the great deeds of many women; my grandmother,
my mother and myself, all to claim fame and in doing so releave the
motherland: Middle-earth, of a great evil to which the Goddess had
bidden destruction.
Mine is the tale of on Undomiel, the lady of Rivendell, of my love,
and my guidance; the tale of the one called by mortal men, Arwen
Evenstar.
Lorickk
by William Faulkner
cowering in the Darkness of the trees on the east-west road Sam Gamgee
thinks' I have come from the Shire, a small Shirefolk and of the Shire
I am from, a small hobbit of the Shire, and on this road far from the
shire (but mabye not so far from that place) I come, mabye to return
to the Shire and mabye to never return to that place of the Shire.
He had never been outside the shire until after he followed Frodo
Baggins from the Shire onto the road leading out of the Shire,
although he had thought of leaving the shire often, as some shirefolk
do, he had never quite done so, in light of the Gaffer and all.
As always periods and complete sentances are optional and not always
encouraged.
jordan
Evil Sponge
"Count Menelvagor" <Menel...@mailandnews.com> wrote in message
news:6bfb27a8.02011...@posting.google.com...
The Lord of the Rings, by Terry Brooks
The sun was already sinking into the deep green of the hills to the west of
the valley, the red and gray-pink of its shadows touching the corners of the
land, when Flick Ohmsford began his descent. The trail stretched out
unevenly down the northern slope, winding through the huge boulders ...
<snip 726 pages of unadulterated plagiarism, and lots of stuff about Gan...
er... I mean... Allanon, and those pesky black riders. Did I say black
riders? I meant "skull bearers">
Öjevind Lång
>The Lord of the Rings
>by E. E. Doc Smith
>
[snip]
Bravo!
Öjevind
Taemon
by Tanith Lee
Frodo looked up. His gaze fell into eyes, deep as the sea, deeper still.
They were blue like the sky at a summer’s day, yet behind that blueness
there lay a wisdom older than the mightiest tree. Her eyebrows swooped
like the flight of eagles, heavy yet graceful. Her mouth was like the
ripest berry, its curves full of promises and a knowing smile. Her skin
<etc>.
His will seemed to have been taken from him. Almost without knowing, he
took the Ring and his hand reached out to her, closer and closer, almost
to the touch. Her eyes grew large and a light seemed to glow in them,
telling him of dark forebodings. Her voice was full of lust and wonder
as she spoke. “You offer it to me freely?” Frodo tried to say something
but found he couldn’t. All he could do was stand there and watch her
hand, white as fresh-fallen snow, reach out to this Thing, this Thing
that now ruled his life, and yet he could not imagine a life without it.
<some more pages describing Galadriel flipping out>
"I passed the test" she said, her voice now full of sadness and relief.
It pained him to hear it. Without really wanting to, he put the Ring
back in his pocket. She looked at him, taking in his long flowing black
hair, his white skin, his golden eyes. "What will you do now?" she
asked. He turned his back on her and looked at Sam. "I have no idea", he
said. "Something will come up."
Greetings, T.
Ronald O. Christian
The Lord of the Rings
Chapter two: Birthday cake and shrapnel
"You took too much" said Merry without turning around
"Just tip me into the pool. Just get me in the pool" Frodo panted.
His veins felt ready to explode, gushing his lifeblood over the
vomit-stained floor. He was dying. That's right, he was dying, he
thought, as another convulsion hit. he took too much and now his head
was gonna explode. He was burning up. He'd burst into flame like
some stupid urban legend told by some pimple-faced teenager in a
locker room that smelled of the corruption of ancient sweat socks. A
smell that could never be erased, even if the gym was razed and a huge
friggin ugly glass office building was erected in it's spot, the
elevators would always smell of ancient sweat socks and the Lysol that
minimum-wage employees used to try to erase it.
Merry ignored Frodo and continued to watch the fireworks. They banged
and crashed like artillery during the Stoor/Brandybuck war that his
dad would go on and on about at the dinner table the BASTARD. There,
that one was cool, looked just like a dragon, dove on those
simple-minded hobbit bastards just like it was gonna snap 'em right in
half and leave their intestine-strewn corpses on the lawn. Or maybe
it was just the psilocybin. He caressed the carven wood box that
contained his Ruger Super-Blackhawk .44 magnum. It comforted him to
know that it was always at hand.
A strange mood hit on Merry. The moment felt so just, so right, so
here, so friggin NOW, that he needed to say something profound or his
heart would stop from sheer frustration. He said the only thing he
could think of to say, a secret that so many of them were carrying
around like a shiny jewel held close to the heart. "Frodo" he said
and then stopped. It had been so fun... screw it. "Frodo, your ring,
you know the one that makes you think you're invisible? We were
having you on. Running around going `where's frodo?` and pretending
not to see you when you were jacking off behind Rosie's bedroom. It
was a trip for awhile, but it's gotten boring, Frodo. Thought you
should know." A ragged snoring from behind told him that Frodo had
gotten over the spike. He wouldn't be much use for the trip tomorrow,
but Merry had something that would get him going.
Ron
www.europa.com/~ronc
"If UN peacekeeping had been involved during the US civil war,
it'd still be going on today."
Tom Holt
from Ronald O. Christian <ro...@europa.com> contains these words:
> The Lord of the Rings
> by Hunter S. Thompson
You poor fool. Wait till you see those goddamn Nazgul.
Mitsuhiro Itakura
> > How various authors would have written "Lord of the Rings":
"QUENTA SILMARILLION" by TOA-PLAN
In F.A. 1495
War was beginning.
Feanor: What happen ?
Noldor1: Somebody set up us the Ungoliant.
Noldor2: We get message.
Feanor: What !
Noldor2: Main screen turn on.
Feanor: It's You !!
Melkor: How are you gentle-eldar !!
Melkor: All your Silmaril are belong to us.
Melkor: You are on the way to destruction.
Feanor: What you say !!
Melkor: You have no chance to survive make your time.
Melkor: HA HA HA HA ....
Feanor: Take off every Ship !!
Feanor: Kill all Teleri.
Feanor: Move Ships.
Feanor: For great justice.
--
Mitsuhiro Itakura
http://www.zangband.org/j/
The Japanese Zangband Page
Glenn Holliday
>
> Count Menelvagor wrote:
>
> > How various authors would have written "Lord of the Rings":
The Lord of the Rings,
or, Innocents Abroad
by Mark Twain
Now we had walked some days through Moria, and they say it is a sight to
see. I might be able to confirm or deny the rumors, since I was there,
if only we had had any light to see it by.
They have a kind of vermin in Moria they call a balrog. One of these came
snuffling after our heels as we walked, growling and begging at us. I
thought it might be a useful thing to have around, since it gave off a kind
of firey light, enough for me to finally see the fabled dwarven statues and
architecture about which I had heard so much, and through which we had been
walking without any inkling of what they actually looked like. I was about
to throw it some scraps of pipeweed. But our local guide, Gandalf, would
have none of it.
Now Gandalf was a dour and onery old cuss, but quite handy at starting up
the campfire in the evening, and very good at chatting up the locals
whenever we wanted to make a sketch or buy some trinket to keep as a
reminder of our trip. He waited behind the rest of us and told the balrog
to go home, just as you would to a bad dog. But just as a bad dog might,
this balrog critter turned on Gandalf in a bad way. Our guide broke up the
bridge we were crossing, which I was afraid would cause bad feelings among
the locals. The balrog snatched at Gandalf and they both fell from the
bridge into the pit. We reckoned that he would be occupied for a while, so
we went on without him.
That evening in our little camp, I composed a message to notify Gandalf's
family of what had happened, in case we should pass a telegraph office or
an eyrie of kindly eagles. I heard the others of our company around the
fire arguing over whether that balrog had wings.
--
Glenn Holliday holl...@acm.org
D.G. Porter
>
> wrob wrote:
> >
> > Count Menelvagor wrote:
> >
> > > How various authors would have written "Lord of the Rings":
>
> The Lord of the Rings,
> or, Innocents Abroad
>
> by Mark Twain
VERY good!
Jim Campbell
- A Screenplay by Q. Tarantino
Boromir: That's just fucking great! A fucking Cave Troll!
Legolas: Those cock-sucking Orc motherfuckers have a motherfucking Cave
Troll?
Boromir: Bet your Elven fucking ass they do.
Gimli: We should have shotguns for this job.
Gandalf: Shotguns will avail you naught against ones such as these!
Aragorn: What's with the fucking Shakespeare crap, Grandad? You some
kinda fag? You trying to blow our gritty, street-realism cool?
Gandalf: Oh. Ah. Harrumph ... All right. How about:
No fucking shotgun gonna stop these bad-ass motherfuckers
poppin' an Orc cap in yo' motherfucking ass!
Aragorn: That's more fucking like it. Now, if you wanna hang with this
bad-ass motherfucking crew, lose the frock and the dumb-ass
hat ...
Gandalf: Fucking hippy cocksucker. My Daddy gave me this hat ...
[... and so on, ad nauseum]
Cheers
Jim
Boris Badenov
|The Lord of the Rings,
|or, Innocents Abroad
|
|by Mark Twain
Perfect!!
Celaeno
>The Lord of the Rings
>
>by Tanith Lee
[snipped while laughing madly]
I've only read one Lee book, but I hear they are ALL like that :)
Cel
wrob
> > > How various authors would have written "Lord of the Rings":
>
> "QUENTA SILMARILLION" by TOA-PLAN
>
> In F.A. 1495
> War was beginning.
>
> Feanor: What happen ?
> Noldor1: Somebody set up us the Ungoliant.
> Noldor2: We get message.
> Feanor: What !
> Noldor2: Main screen turn on.
> Feanor: It's You !!
> Melkor: How are you gentle-eldar !!
> Melkor: All your Silmaril are belong to us.
> Melkor: You are on the way to destruction.
> Feanor: What you say !!
> Melkor: You have no chance to survive make your time.
> Melkor: HA HA HA HA ....
> Feanor: Take off every Ship !!
> Feanor: Kill all Teleri.
Galadriel: WHAT YOU SAY !!!!!!!?????????
> Feanor: Move "Ship".
> Feanor: For great justice.
HAHAHAHAHA.... (LOL!)
"Somebody set up us the Doom of Mandos!"
This is the best one yet! Is anyone archiving all these?
> Mitsuhiro Itakura
> http://www.zangband.org/j/
> The Japanese Zangband Page
Are there a lot of Tolkien fans in Japan? Just wonderin'.
-Tevildo, Prince of CATS
wrob
> The Lord of the Rings,
> or, Innocents Abroad
> by Mark Twain
> That evening in our little camp, I composed a message to notify Gandalf's
> family of what had happened, in case we should pass a telegraph office or
> an eyrie of kindly eagles. I heard the others of our company around the
> fire arguing over whether that balrog had wings.
"'Dey's some Took folk who tell you anythin', beggin yer pardon, Mr. Frodo.
But I is gwinter believe it on'y when I sees it."
Rather'n go on about how Sam -did- just see one o' them consarned things,
with wings and all done spread out wall-to-wall, by golly, I plumb gave up.
Sometimes I reckon you cain't lairn a Stoor nothin'.
--The Adventures of Buckleberry Baggins
Chapter 12: Of Balrogs and Stewed Rabbit
Jason Atkinson
wrote:
>Lord of the Rings
>by William Faulkner
>
>cowering in the Darkness of the trees on the east-west road Sam Gamgee
>thinks' I have come from the Shire, a small Shirefolk and of the Shire
>I am from, a small hobbit of the Shire, and on this road far from the
>shire (but mabye not so far from that place) I come, mabye to return
>to the Shire and mabye to never return to that place of the Shire.
>He had never been outside the shire until after he followed Frodo
>Baggins from the Shire onto the road leading out of the Shire,
>although he had thought of leaving the shire often, as some shirefolk
>do, he had never quite done so, in light of the Gaffer and all.
It would be fun to see someone do a LoTR as written by Robert Jordan.
Joe Hardy
*groans*
Joe Hardy
> or, Innocents Abroad
>
> by Mark Twain
*applause*
Rich
I'll never forget the ending to Faulkner's immortal classic "Gollum! Gollum!":
"I hates the ssouth! I hatess it forever!!"
kuei...@-remove-hotmail.com
OOOH! Could Snopes be the model for Bill Ferney?
--
Sindamor Pandaturion
[remove -remove- to reply]
John Savard
part:
>Count Menelvagor wrote:
>> How various authors would have written "Lord of the Rings":
>> Lord of the Rings Take 2
>> One of the cult novels of the 1970s turned out to be Lord of
>> the Rings.
>> But how would this book have turned out had
>> it been written by someone else?
>Lord of the Rings, by Stephen King.
Hmm. Can I possibly produce anything matching in excellence what has
already appeared in this thread?
Gandalf, Lord of the Forest
by Edgar Rice Burroughs
(excerpt - opening)
His keen senses always on the alert, Gandalf heard the noise of a
party of dwarves roaming within his beloved forest a mile away.
Running with the speed of _ganahir_, the horse, he quickly got near
enough to observe their actions.
They were carrying chests of treasure. There was a dragon terrorizing
a town to the northwest, one even Gandalf would not seek to disturb.
But the dragon was not under Gandalf's protection; so these men were
not necessarily looters, on an evil errand that Gandalf would need to
foil. Perhaps they would even need his help.
A hobbit was with them.
"It's a good thing you came with this expedition, Bilbo", said one of
the dwarves to him. "And it's even more remarkable that you found that
Ring. Without it, Smaug might never have been killed, or the treasures
of my people recovered."
Gandalf's gaze turned towards the hobbit.
And then, with lightning quickness and the strength of his supple
limbs, he leaped down from the tree from which he was watching the
party into their mist.
"I am Gandalf of the forest", he proclaimed, "and that ring you have
is the Bane of Isildur!"
The dwarves drew their swords from their sheaths.
"Stop! I do not seek to take this ring from you. But it is dangerous,
in ways you do not understand."
The Ring of Doom
by Ian Fleming
(excerpt - opening, and early passage)
"Good afternoon, Miss Cotton," said Frodo as he entered the office.
"Good afternoon, Mr. Baggins. G is waiting to see you, and wants you
to go right in. No time for funny business now, Frodo."
Frodo entered the office of G - retired Admiral Sir Gandalf Mithrandir
- and felt the familiar stare of his cool grey eyes upon him as soon
as he opened the door.
"Sit down, Baggins. This concerns a close relative of yours - Bilbo."
Bilbo Baggins. The man who had been like a father to him ever since
the untimely deaths of his own parents in a boating accident.
"No doubt you recall that Bilbo, along with a party of Greek
investors, made millions in recovering sunken treasure off the coast
of Jamaica several years back."
"Was there something irregular about that, sir?"
"Oh, no, no, Frodo. Naturally, the Inland Revenue checked his
declarations quite thoroughly, but they were quite accurate. More so
than the tax returns of most people these days, I might say. Like many
treasure-hunters, though, he kept some pieces of the treasure as
souvenirs. Those were declared too, and his valuation of them was
accepted."
"Then this concerns something else?"
"Naturally, photographs of those pieces were kept on file at Inland
Revenue. It's turned out that one of those pieces was rather more than
it seems. No, he isn't in any trouble because of that: this isn't
about money or taxes. The trouble is, it happens to be extremely
dangerous."
"Pirate treasure? Dangerous, sir?"
"We think that this treasure wasn't from a Spanish galleon at all. A
gold smuggler our department was investigating had been disguising his
operations by producing counterfeit pirate gold. We think that the
treasure Bilbo found was actually one of his shipments, lost in a
tropical storm."
"So Bilbo is in danger from this smuggler?"
"Not because he wants his gold back. It's a bit late for that, and
such a thing would be foolish. But gold smuggling wasn't his only line
of work, Frodo. He was also, we suspect, selling American missile
secrets to the Russians. We now think that the plans of the Dragonfly
missile system, on microfilm, may have been in that treasure chest.
And instead of placing them in one of the coins in the chest, they
could well have been hidden in the only distinctive item in that
chest, the one piece of jewelry it contained: a small ring, not unlike
a wedding ring."
"But that was years ago. Surely that missile system is obsolete now?"
"The Americans never deployed it. It would allow the launching of a
deadly warhead of gargantuan size, large enough to wipe out half of
Europe with a single thermonuclear explosion. The U.S. had no
strategic use for such a missile, but I don't have to tell you what it
would mean in the hands of the Soviets."
...
Saruman was an imposing figure, despite the asymmetry in his 7' 1"
frame. He did not offer to shake Frodo's hand, which was just as well.
Naturally, his life depended on keeping his revulsion for the man who
had very likely ordered Bilbo's murder well concealed, but he was
relieved to be spared that extra effort.
Dressed entirely in white clothes, it was possible that Saruman had an
obsession with germs. Perhaps I could use that against him, Baggins
thought.
"Welcome to Saruman Enterprises, Mr. Underhill," he said. "Your
references were excellent, and our firm needs someone with your
talents at this stage in our operations."
"I am pleased to hear that, and I look forwards to being able to take
a useful role in your activities," replied Baggins.
The Mountains of Flame
by H. P. Lovecraft
(excerpt - conclusion)
The Ring! The Ring! The Ring that had become more precious than life
itself to him.
Had he studied that copy of The Tale of the Silmarils kept in the rare
book room of Housatonic University, Bilbo might have had some idea of
what that ring truly was. But it is hardly clear if that knowledge
might have saved him, for that ring had a strong power to snare minds.
For that ring was no ordinary magic ring, with the power to make its
wearer invisible. It was the Great Ring, into which the great Sauron,
half frog, half squid, had placed most of the energies of his immense
brain before falling into a dream-filled coma beneath the waters of
the Atlantic.
And thus, when Bilbo sought to wield its power, he became _a shadow
enslaved to the will of Sauron_, doomed to wander the Earth to carry
out the most hideous of evil tasks, until the stars would once again
align themselves and Sauron could awaken!
John Savard
http://plaza.powersurfr.com/jsavard/index.html
Have you read "Man's Unconquerable Mind" by Gilbert Highet yet?
Mitsuhiro Itakura
>
> Are there a lot of Tolkien fans in Japan? Just wonderin'.
Yes. A lot, I think. There are numerous Japanese web-sites of Tolkien fan.
However, Tolkiens's popularity among elder Japanese people is
much lower compared to that in UK/USA, where there had been
"Frodo Lives!" and "Gandalf for the President!" movements.
It is obvious that the brass in sposoring/distributing company
of the movie in Japan regard it as "just another foreign movie".
For example, the Japanese official movie site is a crap:
http://www.lord-of-the-ring.com/
If you can read Japanese, you'll find a lot of terrible
translations.
If only they had hired a person who has read the beautiful
translation of LOTR by T.Seta, Japanese fans would not have
been irritated by the crappy translations in the official site.
More's the pity, rumour has it that the translator of the movie
itself has never read the book!!
Thus there is a great anxiety among the Japanese fans.
(yes, "is", not "had been". The release is scheduled on March.)
--
Leif Magnar Kj|nn|y
Jason Atkinson <jaat...@vt.edu> wrote:
>
>It would be fun to see someone do a LoTR as written by Robert Jordan.
It wouldn't be done yet.
--
Leif Kj{\o}nn{\o}y | "Its habit of getting up late you'll agree
www.pvv.org/~leifmk| That it carries too far, when I say
Math geek and gamer| That it frequently breakfasts at five-o'clock tea,
GURPS, Harn, CORPS | And dines on the following day." (Carroll)
Rich
>
>
> >
> >
> > Lord of the Rings Take 2
> >
> > One of the cult novels of the 1970s turned out to be Lord of
> > authors, it affected a large number of people, not least of
> > them being those people now in their teens saddled with names
> > like Galadriel. But how would this book have turned out had
> > it been written by someone else?
THE BALROG AND THE DRAGON
by Tom Clancy
[Dedicated to George Herbert Walker Bush, former President of the
United States and Director of the CIA]
Chapter *12*
Decision at Rivendell
The Situation room at Fort Imladris was packed with more brass than a
dwarven mine on the outskirts of an elven craftworks yard on a
Five-Year Plan. Green recruits shook hands with grizzled war vets,
trying not to wince while their tiny knuckles got crushed by
cigar-stained, battle-hardened grips that saw real action once. Nobody
paid attention as CNN blared the bad news on a nearby monitor. The
usual talking heads were assigning the blame for world events beyond
their control, or understanding.
A grey figure shambled in through glass doors, took a seat among the
Joint Chiefs and filled the nearest tumbler with icewater.
"Care to fill us in on the Orthanc incident?" Chief of Staff Elrond
asked impatiently.
A quick shake of the head. Gandalf (codename GREY PILGRIM) motioned to
a red vinyl-bound manual, which lay unopened on the table. "It's all
in the report, sir. Major clusterfuck at the Gap of Rohan. BROWN
WIZARD alerted a geosynchronous Eagle to bring me in. I'm here, I'm
alive, let's move on. We've got enough trouble with our friends in the
press breathing down our necks." No one needed reminding of the
NewsGull circling the valley overhead, looking for another mountain to
shake.
The whole ugly incident conjured up bad memories for Gandalf, going
clear back to the Mirkwood operation. He wanted that mission more than
anybody, put himself on the line for the old man, took on the Evil
Empire himself in Dol Goldur without backup; meanwhile, back on the
farm they were cutting their losses. It was the old ratfuck: he goes
in guns-ablazing, they leave him hanging, and he comes out with his
dick in his hand. Then some wise guy upstairs gets kicked further
upstairs, and Gandalf (the GREY) gets tagged as "the Man who lost
Morder". Orthanc was Mirkwood all over again; they just switched the
nameplates around.
Elrond waved it off. "We've got a Class 1 Ring to deliver to ground
zero, nobody with clearance, and a lot of hostile ground to cover. Any
suggestions?"
Erestor began: "We could run it over to Havens Naval Base, ride down
the coast in force, storm the beach at Lebennin, taking it one mile at
a time until we knock on Johnny Orc's front door--".
Galdor interrupted: "We can't launch. Shipping lanes are blocked. Even
if you get past the Shire. That's a big If."
Glorfindel loudly cleared his throat. "I've got an idea!" The room was
filled with groans as the oldschool SecDef grumbled, his jacket
glinted bright like a display case of medals.
"Hear me out! Ever since that 'crat president slashed our covert
operations budget, we have had no capacity to implement the kind of
multi-pronged high-tech strategy this approach requires."
A few heads nodded around the table.
"So I say we cut our losses and shove procedure up Sharky's ass! He
put us in this mess, so let's file this ring under "R", and bury it
under paperwork, where it shall lie forever!!"
Gandalf winked at Elrond, sipping his icewater as guffaws filled the
room. The boys sure could use a good laugh right now. Elrond made a
church and steeple with his hands.
"Anything to add, MITHRANDIR?" It reminded Gandalf of their old days
together in dark shades and walkie-talkies when Elrond called him
that.
"Let's just thank our lucky asses it was a company man who brought it
in, sir. I say First Guess, Best Guess: we go with our gut, and let
Agent Frodo deliver the package."
Frodo adjusted his tie nervously, desperately trying to remember
protocol. "I'm, uh, not a field guy. I write reports."
"You started this," Gandalf reminded him.
"I - I read maps, things like that!" Frodo objected.
"You can start by reading this one". The oaken panels behind Elrond
slid back exposing a real time ariel view of Mordor, close enough to
reveal small blurry figures moving in formation around Cirith Ungol
training camps.
*Shit, another day shot to hell* thought Frodo.
"Phase One of Operation Fool's Errand. Make the world safe from
Fascists, Terrorists and Socialists, Agent Frodo! After that, you'll
take your promotion, and it's be back to business as usual on the
Hill." Gandalf flashed a sad, wise smile and suddenly looked very
tired.
"Maybe then we can talk about the flat tax?" Elrond wondered with a
grin.
TB
> wrob wrote:
> >
> > Count Menelvagor wrote:
> >
> > > How various authors would have written "Lord of the Rings":
>
> The Lord of the Rings,
> or, Innocents Abroad
>
> by Mark Twain
>
You are GOD!
Evil Sponge
"Rich" <npce...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:395ca846.02012...@posting.google.com...
LOL...... this is great.
m
i...@zangband.org says...
SNIP
> More's the pity, rumour has it that the translator of the movie
> itself has never read the book!!
>
> Thus there is a great anxiety among the Japanese fans.
> (yes, "is", not "had been". The release is scheduled on March.)
Fellowship of the Ring is a beautiful film, I just hope that a poor
translation doesn't spoil it for you.
I would be banging my head against a brick wall if I had to wait till
March to see this film. You guys in Japan must be very patient.
It will be worth the wait though. I have now seen this film six times
which is a record for me. The last film I went to see many times was the
Matrix which I saw on four occasions.
The Fellowship of the Ring is a superb film.
D.G. Porter
>
> Hmm. Can I possibly produce anything matching in excellence what has
> already appeared in this thread?
This is going to be the absolute worst contribution to this thread.
The Lord of the Rings
MTV version
"Hey Sam!"
"Yeah, Frodo?"
That chick is hot, uh huh huh huh huh!"
"Ohhhhhh yeah! He he he M he!"
"Hey, check it out! It's that Gandalf dude!'
"Frodo! Methinks you have a powerful ring!"
"Uh, like, shut up, or something."
"Yeah! Yeah! He he he!"
Evil Sponge
"D.G. Porter" <dgporte...@pacbell.net> wrote in message
news:3C501F...@pacbell.net...
Actually... I thought it was pretty good.... lol..... certainly better than
my Irvine Welsh one :o) I can't believe no-one came up with the "ring" joke
sooner... hahaha
kuei...@-remove-hotmail.com
Lord of the Rings
Bob and Doug McKenzie version
kookookookookookoo!
So, hey, welcome to the Show.
Doug:
Like, there's this Gollum guy and he says, "give me your ring" so I
did, you know and then he asks me for my beer and I say "No way, hey!
take off hoser!" and then I belch and he falls into this big crack
Bob: "Was it bigger than your crack when you bend over? Heh, heh."
Doug: Hey, no fair, this is my story, don't Peter Jackson me.
So he falls into the crack and we had some brews with this Aragon
Hoser who comes from some far off place, like, you know, Sasketchewan
and we have some canadian bacon and that it, the end hey.
remove "-remove-" from address to make valid
kuei...@-remove-hotmail.com
BTW, is there a Monty Python version that I missed?
Chris Kern
Lord of the Rings
by Murasaki Shikibu
(excerpt from "The Elm Tree" (passing of boromir))
The Heir of Elendil wept as he viewed the Son of the Steward breathing
his last. He said this:
"Even though the broken sword was reforged
My sleeves are wet with the morning dew."
And the Son of the Steward replied:
"The broken sword is covered with dew,
Like walking under the elm tree in the morning."
Now the Heir of Elendil called mediums to try to speak to the spirit
afflicting the Son of the Steward, but this was not the medicine he
needed. He passed away like foam upon the water.
It was the fifth month, and the leaves were beginning to
change color. The Heir of Elendil thought of the rhyme-guessing games
and incense contests going on in the Capital, and he wept to think
that he was out in the country travelling around. "I only desire to
leave this world," he said, "But my desire only to see her again binds
me here."
-Chris (wondering if anyone has read Tale of Genji besides me)
a buckellew
by Monty Python
In a hole in the ground there lived a hedgehog. No, I'm sorry, that's
the wrong book. We'll try again.
In a hole in the ground there lived a Hobbit. The Hobbit's name was
Bilbo Baggins, and he liked to call his hole "the Dungeon." This is
where he kept the wrist restraints, spreader bars and a well worn copy
of "Sauron's New Complete Guide to Buggery." No, terribly sorry,
that's not right at all. Ah, here we are!
In a hole in the ground there lived a hedgehog. No, no we've seen
that one already! These are the conditions I'm supposed to work
under? I'm trying to light the flames of the imagination and insert
some wonder into these peoples rather dreary lives and instead I'm
subjected to all this silliness! Well that's it, I'm off. I never
wanted to do this anyway. I wanted to be... a Beorning!
"Lord of the Rings"
featuring Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter
Look at that Balrog! Isn't he beautiful! Oooh and he's mad! Look at
the size of those teeth! You know the Balrog is the most dangerous of
all the creatures in the Misty Mountains, so you don't want to get to
close to... AAAAGGHHH!!!!
x
kuei...@-remove-hotmail.com
wrote:
No, but I saw the anime. <grin>
Actually, although its been I while since I read it (Seidensticker tr)
what I think you left out was the tactile sense of Genji. Description
of the room, the garments, the scent, etc.
I wonder what the Heike Monogatori or Taiheiki (sp?) versions would
sound like?
kuei...@-remove-hotmail.com
wrote:
Bravo!
And if I didn't apologize I would be violating netiquette by posting a
one word response, but this gets me off the hook doesn't it.
Borscht Belt comedian's version
So, I was delivering my speech at my going away party when I
dissapeared! All the Goyim thought I'd Plotzed! Particularly with
the bad smell in air! Turns out, the Gefilte fish had gone bad!
rimshot
I gotta tell ya, the Gollum, he's some schnorrer. He comes up to me
and says give me the ring. So, I said Gai feifen ahfen yam, Gai
kucken ahfen yam! So he starts following me, so I said Gai strasheh
di vantzen, Gai tren zic, I'm no schnorrer of some schmuck.
So he keeps on Haken a tsheinik, so I tell him Geharget zolstu veren,
putz! So he does already. And he takes my ring with him, the
Mashugga Manzer!
Rim shot
So, after all this, you think I could just go home like a normal human
beink, HAH. You think it works out that way? No, Bubele, I get home
and that Shlimazel Saruman is there. And where was my wife? Last
time I tell that alter trombenick "take my wife, please!"
Thanks, Mazeltov, you've been a marvelous audience I hope all your
daughters marry doctors.
Taemon
>>The Lord of the Rings
>>by Tanith Lee
>[snipped while laughing madly]
Thank you <bows>. Actually, I wasn't altogether satisfied with is, but I
had to try :-) Now, everyone keeps their hands off Julian May, because
I'm working on it :-) (Anyone trying Pratchett yet?)
>I've only read one Lee book, but I hear they are ALL like that :)
To be honest, it isn't THAT bad :-) Some of her books, especially the
shorter ones, are quite good. She can be very funny. But it is my
experience that one should never read to many books of Lee in a short
time, or one will become very vexed ;-)
Greetings, T.
Chris Kern
the following:
That's right, I should have had the indescribable perfume coming from
Boromir that made Aragorn think that he was lucky just to have lived
in this time period. :)
-Chris
Conrad Dunkerson
news:3c4f6442...@news.vt.edu...
> It would be fun to see someone do a LoTR as written by Robert
> Jordan.
Too late - Robert Jordan has already done that. He called it
'The Eye of the World'.
Stan Brown
>Glenn Holliday wrote:
>
>> The Lord of the Rings,
or, The Adventures of Frodo Baggins
"You won't know much about me except if you read a book called The
Hobbit. That book was made by Mr. J.R.R. Tolkien, and he told the
truth, mainly."
--
Stan Brown, Oak Road Systems, Cortland County, New York, USA
http://oakroadsystems.com
Tolkien FAQs: http://Tolkien.slimy.com (Steuard Jensen's site)
Tolkien letters FAQ: http://users.telerama.com/~taliesen/tolkien/lettersfaq.html
Encyclopedia of Arda: http://www.glyphweb.com/arda/default.htm
more FAQs: http://oakroadsystems.com/tech/faqget.htm
Öjevind Lång
By Ernest Hemingway
Gandalf looked into the fire. He sucked on his pipe. Frodo looked at him.
"Last night, you talked. You talked about terrible things", he said. "You
talked about things too terrible to talk about at night."
Gandalf grunted. His eyes were like coals, matching the flames in the
fireplace. Frodo tasted his bourbon. It was still all right, though the ice
had melted.
"Care to tell me about it?" said Frodo after twenty minutes.
"I guess so." Gandalf shifted. He pulled in one leg and stretched out the
other. He puffed on his pipe.The pipe emitted smoke.
"Well?" said Frodo. His voice was patient, the voice of a hobbit who has
shot holes very precisely in trolls and orcs.
"It's that ring you have. It's dangerous."
Frodo looked down at his knuckles. They were white. "Dangerous?" he said.
"Yeah, very dangerous. You must get rid of it."
"You sure?"
"I'm sure. I saw the horses all get gelded by the Orcs at Osgiliath, you
think I'm not sure of things."
"Sorry." Frodo looked at the old wizard. The old wizard did not seem
annoyed "So what do I do?"
Gandalf spat into the fire. "You don't want to know why it's dangerous?"
"No. I believe you Anyway, I don't want to waste words. When do I
start?"
"You are remarkable", said Gandalf.
Frodo set down his glass on the table. The table was of oak. It had four
legs. "Yeah", he said. "I'm a marvel, all right."
Öjevind
Jason Atkinson
I was waiting for someone to say that. I meant using Tolkien's
characters and settings in a Jordonesque manner. Besides, after the
first few chapters, WOT is a major departure from Tolkien.
Jamie Andrews
by Vladimir Nabokov
My Precious. Light of my eyes, fire of my hand. My sin, my
soul. My Precious: the lips pronouncing the first plosive, the
tongue trilling and the rest a liquid sound in the mouth.
My. Pre. Cious.
It was The One, just The One, on Mount Doom, circling Sauron's
finger. It was Elrond's fear. It was Isildur's Bane. It was
Deagol's find in the Great River. But in my hands it was always
My Precious.
--Jamie. (nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita)
andrews .uwo } Merge these two lines to obtain my e-mail address.
@csd .ca } (Unsolicited "bulk" e-mail costs everyone.)
D.G. Porter
>
> wrob <wr...@erols.com> wrote in rec.arts.books.tolkien:
> >Glenn Holliday wrote:
> >
> >> The Lord of the Rings,
>
> or, The Adventures of Frodo Baggins
>
> "You won't know much about me except if you read a book called The
> Hobbit. That book was made by Mr. J.R.R. Tolkien, and he told the
> truth, mainly."
[long snip about traveling to various places]
"If I'd 'a' knowed what trouble it was to destroy a ring I wouldn't 'a'
tackled it, and ain't a-going to no more. But I reckon I got to light
out for the Grey Havens ahead o' the rest, because Lady Galadriel she's
going to mentor me and immortalize me, and I can't stand it. I been
there before."
Rotwang
Img 1 : Four teenagers in a medieval setting looking at two girls passing
by. "Are you going to ask Rosie out on a date Sam ?"
Img 2 : Close up of Sam, looks like a dorky 16-something hobbit kid. "Gosh,
Frodo, Rosie is the prettiest girl in Hobbiton high. And she is dating
Chuck, that bully."
Img 3 : Frodo, looking stunned : "OH NO ! I'm late for dinner at my uncle's
house ! I gotta run !"
Img 4 : Bag End, Bilbo is making dinner. "I wonder where Frodo is ..."
Img 5 : Frodo running through Hobbition trying to get to Bag-End on time.
"OH NO ! I'm going to be too late !"
Img 6 : Frodo stumbles over somebody's ankle and falls down. "HEY THERE
HOBBIT, where are you going ?"
Img 7 : Frodo looking up in terror at a big hobbit. "Oh, no Chuck !"
Etc ...
Img 4 : Frodo rummaging through his uncle's belongings "I could have
stopped those Orcs entering Hobbiton if only I had close the gate ... And
uncle Bilbo would still be alive ..."
Img 5 : Frodo looking into a box. "What's this ? Looks like a ring. It's
inscribed ..."
Img 6 : Close up on the ring "WHOEVER WIELDS THIS RING SHALL CONTROL THE
POWER OF THE NINE GREAT RINGS!"
Etc ...
Img 12 : A gigantic figure, 50 feet tall, in purple and red powered armour,
towering above the orcs below. "Soon I shall have the Rings of Power in my
hands again and I ...
Img 13 : Sauron raising his fist : ".. SAURON will become RULER OF THIS
WORLD !"
Etc ...
Img 16 : Frodo, as Ringbearer using the power of the seventh ring to fly
through the air sees a gigantic spider breaking up downtown Minas Tirith.
"Dr Shelob turned into a GIANT SPIDER again !"
Img 17 : Shelob grabs officer Faramir and threatens to cocoon him.
Img 18 : Ringbearer drops out of the sky and acrobatically dances around
Shelob "Spinning another of your long yarns doc ?"
Img 19 : Shelob growls. "I'll eattttt you Rrrringbearrerrrrr ..."
Etc ...
Img 5 : Frodo in his everyday clothes. "If only one of these RINGS OF POWER
could generate me some money to pay for the rent. OH NO ! This affair with
Sauron made me late for class ! Doc Gandalf is going to roast me !!!"
Mitsuhiro Itakura
> Lord of the Rings
> by Murasaki Shikibu
Nice! Very "Miyabi". The title may be "Yubiwa no Kimi".
> -Chris (wondering if anyone has read Tale of Genji besides me)
Ack! Sss. Every Japanese high-school student learns Genji and
reads 5 pages or so excerpt, but almost everyone (including me)
stops there ^_^; Well, I'll watch the Genji movie which came out
recently.
Mitsuhiro Itakura
<snip>
> "Somebody set up us the Doom of Mandos!"
LOL.
>
> This is the best one yet! Is anyone archiving all these?
Thank you. But surely not the best.
This was the only one whose writing style I can imitate
with my English skill :-)
Liz Broadwell
: wrob <wr...@erols.com> wrote in rec.arts.books.tolkien:
: >Glenn Holliday wrote:
: >
: >> The Lord of the Rings,
: or, The Adventures of Frodo Baggins
: "You won't know much about me except if you read a book called The
: Hobbit. That book was made by Mr. J.R.R. Tolkien, and he told the
: truth, mainly."
<grin>
"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single hobbit in possession
of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. However little known the
feelings or views of such a hobbit may be on his first entering a
neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding
families that he is considered the rightful property of some one or other
of their daughters.
"'My dear Mr. Bolger,' said his lady to him one day, 'have you heard
that Crickhollow is let at last?'
"Mr. Bolger replied that he had not.
"'But it is,' returned she; 'for Mrs. Bracegirdle has just been here, and
she told me all about it.'
"Mr. Bolger made no answer.
"'Do you not want to know who has taken it?' cried his wife impatiently.
"'You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it.'
"This was invitation enough.
"'Why, my dear, you must know Mrs. Bracegirdle says that Crickhollow is
taken by a young hobbit of large fortune from Hobbiton; that he came down
on Monday in a pony-trap to see the place, and was so much delighted with
it that he agreed with Mr. Brandybuck immediately; that he is to take
possession before Winterfilth, and some of his servants are to be in the
house by the end of next week.'
"'What is his name?'
"'Baggins.'"
Peace,
Liz
--
Elizabeth Broadwell | "The true servants of the Merciful are
(ebro...@dept.english.upenn.edu) | those who walk humbly on the earth and
Department of English | say, 'Peace!' to the ignorant who
at the University of Pennsylvania | accost them." -- Qu'ran (tr. Dawood)
Chris Kern
posted the following:
>Lord of the Rings by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby
>
>Img 1 : Four teenagers in a medieval setting looking at two girls passing
>by. "Are you going to ask Rosie out on a date Sam ?"
>Img 2 : Close up of Sam, looks like a dorky 16-something hobbit kid. "Gosh,
>Frodo, Rosie is the prettiest girl in Hobbiton high. And she is dating
>Chuck, that bully."
>Img 3 : Frodo, looking stunned : "OH NO ! I'm late for dinner at my uncle's
>house ! I gotta run !"
>Img 4 : Bag End, Bilbo is making dinner. "I wonder where Frodo is ..."
>Img 5 : Frodo running through Hobbition trying to get to Bag-End on time.
>"OH NO ! I'm going to be too late !"
>Img 6 : Frodo stumbles over somebody's ankle and falls down. "HEY THERE
>HOBBIT, where are you going ?"
>Img 7 : Frodo looking up in terror at a big hobbit. "Oh, no Chuck !"
>
LOL...how about Lord of the Rings by John Saunders and Joe Giella[1]
Monday
panel 1: Gandalf: "Frodo, that ring that you have is dangerous; it's
not just a trinket!"
panel 2: Frodo: "Dangerous?!?" (close up of Frodo's face with odd
expression and lines coming out of it)
Tuesday
panel 1: Gandalf: "The Ring is not just something to be worn around
your finger like a toy, Frodo."
panel 2: Gandalf: "Perhaps I will tell you the *true story* of what
happened." (close up of Gandalf's face with odd expression and lines
coming out of it)
Wednesday
panel 1: Gandalf: "If you knew the true story behind the ring, you
would not wear it like some trinket."
panel 2: Frodo: "True story!?!" (close up of Frodo's face with odd
expression and lines coming out of it)
Thursday
panel 1: Gandalf: "The true story of the ring is shrouded in mystery,
but I believe I can tell you some of it in the short time we have."
panel 2: Frodo: "Some dry academic lecture isn't going to convince me
to throw away the ring!" (close up of Professor Gandalf's face with
odd expression and lines coming out of it)
Friday
panel 1: Frodo: "I had noticed some odd effects, but I thought I was
just ill."
panel 2: Gandalf: "Wrong!!!" (close up of Frodo's face with odd
expression and lines coming out of it)
-Chris
[1] The people responsible for the Mary Worth newspaper comic strip,
but this could apply to Stan Lee as well if you've ever read his
glacial "The Amazing Spider-Man" comic
Mitsuhiro Itakura
<snip>
> I would be banging my head against a brick wall if I had to wait till
> March to see this film. You guys in Japan must be very patient.
I'd rather bang the heads of the brass who decided this schedule
against the Orthanc wall :-)
--
John Savard
Broadwell) wrote, in part:
>"It is a truth universally acknowledged
Incidentally, this is from LOTR as it might have been written by *Jane
Austen*.
John Savard
http://plaza.powersurfr.com/jsavard/index.html
Have you read "Man's Unconquerable Mind" by Gilbert Highet yet?
MH
Lady Galadriel, though married to Celeborn, great leader of the Elves,
longed and desired for love in more exciting parts of the world. She looked
out over the trees, her breasts heaving up and down underneath her silken
see-through gown, which flowed freely in the evening breeze. The air was so
warm, and she was not tired. Who in the forest knew that because of
Celeborn's inadequacies, she was still a virgin?
"Oh, if only I could find true love and a man!" she cried.
She crept down to the ground, her barefoot feet embracing the cool grass.
Frodo, feeling the heat, sweat as he slept next to Sam, his lifelong
friend. No, Sam was more than just a friend. They had spent many
compassionate evenings together lounging by the pool at Sam's house,
drinking daquiris and snorting cocaine into the early hours of the morning.
He loved those times and desired those lusciously decadent days again. As
his groin grew warm again thinking of the distant past, he smelted the sweet
forbidden smell of Lady Galadriel's perfume. He sat up and rose, following
the outline of her see-through gown, watching her delicious body, which was
easily seen through the thin material.
But Frodo was fearful that he was not manly enough for the Lady. She was
so tall, and beautiful, her figure so perfect, her breasts so round, her
nipples dark and hard. He was afraid that he could never live up to her idea
of what a man should be. He hid beneath the tree wanting a cigarette to calm
his nerves.
"Come here, Frodo," the Lady said, lighting a cigarette. "I want you to
be the first man to...."
Martha
who has never read Jackie Collins, really.
MH
MH <bast...@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message
news:Yw648.1846$mU4....@bgtnsc06-news.ops.worldnet.att.net...
write here. : )
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
morgan mair fheal
i...@zangband.org (Mitsuhiro Itakura) wrote:
>m <p...@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:<MPG.16ba15f7c...@news.f9.net.uk>...
><snip>
>
>> I would be banging my head against a brick wall if I had to wait till
>> March to see this film. You guys in Japan must be very patient.
>I'd rather bang the heads of the brass who decided this schedule
>against the Orthanc wall :-)
japanese fans are scary
almost as scary as americans
Ian
"Jamie Andrews" <add...@bottom.of.message> wrote in message
news:a2q6mr$o12$1...@panther.uwo.ca...
> _The Lord of the Rings_
> by Vladimir Nabokov
>
> My Precious. Light of my eyes, fire of my hand. My sin, my
> soul. My Precious: the lips pronouncing the first plosive, the
> tongue trilling and the rest a liquid sound in the mouth.
> My. Pre. Cious.
>
> It was The One, just The One, on Mount Doom, circling Sauron's
> finger. It was Elrond's fear. It was Isildur's Bane. It was
> Deagol's find in the Great River. But in my hands it was always
> My Precious.
Fantastic :)
-I
wrob
Alas, I'll have to defer to either Bill Hsu or Ex_Ottoyuhr
(our foremost //mentat// when it comes to Middle Earth realpolitik
on these ngs) to write the Frank Herbert version of LOTR, as I have
not read the Dune books in a long time.
But I CAN suggest a broad plot outline!
~~~
Shire, by Frank Herbert
We open on the fierce, desolate land of Shire. Home of the weed, melange.
(or whatever its elven name is!)
Whoever controls the weed controls Middle-Earth. Whoever controls Shire
controls the Weed.
The benevolent Emperor Saruman of Many Colors, Ruler of Endor from his
fortress-world of Isengard, protector of the great Elf-Guilds, has
decreed that Shire shall pass into the hands of House Gondor, despite
the fact that it is much coveted by the Evil House Mordor, ruled by
Baron Sauron from the desolate land of Gorgoroth-Prime.
Sauron promised the great Elf-Navigators of Cirdan that control of
the Weed would be theirs alone, if they cooperate with his scheme to
reclaim the land of Shire. But Sauron decieved the Elves. In the
factories of Ix (home of the Dwarves) he commissioned a Ring... [...]
Together with Aragorn and young Master Frodo, Gandalf, the chief
Mentat for House Gondor, prepares to move the headquarters of Gondor
to the provincial palace at Hobbiton...
GANDALF: "Take the Ring.
"It's quite cool."
(The Ring slipped all too easily on Frodo's finger, and at first he
was relieved to find that Gandalf was right. But slowly the Ring
began to burn, until Frodo's entire hand seemed to have been reduced
to a charred, smoking lump of burning flesh. But still he would not
take the ring off his finger...)
GANDALF: "He IS the Kwisatz Haderach!!!"
As the poisoned dart fell to the ground, Frodo removed the ring
from his invisible hand, amazed to see that it was unharmed...
~~~
After being betrayed to Sauron by their erstwhile-loyal Steward's son,
Boromir, Frodo is imprisoned in the Tower of Cirith Ungol. But the Ring
is not to be found, for he bequeathed it to Aragorn, who, accompanied by
Frodo's loyal servant Sam, flee into the wilds of Middle-Earth.
Meanwhile, in a final act of repentance by the thrice-cursed traitor
Boromir, Frodo has a nasty surprise for the Dark Lord and is mercifully
spared from a long, painful death....
Meanwhile Gandalf has been imprisoned by Emperor Saruman, who has taken up
temporary residence in the palace of Bag End, hoping to use his elite
Uruk-Hai (bred on the prison-world Isengard from what stock no-one knows)
to betray House Mordor and take the Ring for himself (to use for the good
of the Empire as a whole, of course.)
Meanwhile, the Witch-King Feyd, heir to House Mordor, searches
for Aragorn, who has taken up with the Rohirrim in the vast
wastelands of Middle Earth as he plans one final assault on the
forces of Mordor where the enemy least expects it... at Bag End.
As Aragorn learns the ways of mastery of the Ring, his will to dominate and
to otherwise properly govern the peoples of Middle Earth becomes stronger.
He resurrects the lost knowledge of the Rohirrim from their days as
dragon-riders in the north, an art not seen in warfare since the
Siege of Gondolin....
Really folks, this is too easy! --Ber
In addition, I must insist on the inclusion of the estimable Mr. Hsu's
excerpts from that classic sequel of modern fantasy fiction,
Aragorn, God-King of Shire
by Frank Herbert
~~~
William Hsu wrote:
> Aragorn: This monolith is made of your hardest stone. Cut it.
> (Gimli whacks the Stone of Erech with his spare axe, which shatters.)
> Aragorn: BURN it.
> (Legolas lights a bonfire around the Stone. No effect.)
> Aragorn: Yell at it.
> (Dunedan rangers laugh.)
> Halbarad: Estel-estel-estelestelESTELESTELESTEL--!
> (Stone of Erech explodes.)
> Aragorn [voiceover]: My name is a killing word.
> GANDALF: Yet how can this be?! For he IS Elessar, Isildur's Heir!
~~~
> (Saruman stands over the hatching egg of Lurtz.)
> Lurtz: LURTZ IS ONLINE. Reviewing mission objectives... Protect Uruk-Hai.
> See out magical artifacts. Return to Master.
> Saruman: Now, let's just modify that...
> Lurtz: Sixteen days into Quest, DESTROY Fellowship! DESTROY! DESTROY!
> Saruman: Ah, that's better.
> Lurtz: DESTROY! DESTROY!
> Ai, ai, a Shai-Hulud, a Shai-Hulud is come,
> Bill
~~~
comstar
wrob wrote:
> Count Menelvagor wrote:
>
> > How various authors would have written "Lord of the Rings":
> >
> > Lord of the Rings Take 2
> >
> > One of the cult novels of the 1970s turned out to be Lord of
> > the Rings. Written by one of the unlikeliest of best-selling
> > authors, it affected a large number of people, not least of
> > them being those people now in their teens saddled with names
> > like Galadriel. But how would this book have turned out had
> > it been written by someone else?
> >
> >
>
> Lord of the Rings, by Stephen King.
I would just like to say, these stories should be stored somewhere, and not
lost and forgotten. Every one was very very good.
Thank you all!
Scooby
> Forward received in the mail:
>
>
> >
> > How various authors would have written "Lord of the Rings":
> >
> > Lord of the Rings Take 2
> >
OK, if I don't do this, someone else will...
The Lord of the Rings, by Douglas Adams
"Listen, Frodo", said Gandalf, "I've got something very important to
tell you. I've got to tell you now, and I've got to tell you in that
inn there."
"Why?" said Frodo.
"Because you're going to need a very stiff drink..."
Six pints of Old Tooks Terror later, they stepped outside again. But
strange things were happening that morning in Hobbiton.
Frodo pointed up at the nine enormous black bat-shapes that were
hanging motionless in the sky and blotting out the sun, in exactly the
way that bats don't.
"What the hell's that?" he cried.
"It's a fleet of winged Nazgul, haven't you heard a word I've said?"
"A what?"
"Servants of Sauron, sent from Mordor. I picked up news of their
coming from this moth - Oh, never mind"
Gandalf immediately leapt on to his horse, pulled Frodo up behind him,
and set off down the road towards Buckland at full gallop. In the
distance behind him, Frodo heard the sound of a rather crackly. but
extremely powerful, PA system warming up.
"People of Hobbiton, your attention please" boomed the amplified voice
of the Witch King. "The Dark Lord's plans for Middle Earth require the
return of the One Ring. Now choose! surrender the one called BAGGINS
immediately, or we will be forced to destroy your entire village, and
possibly one or two others we noticed on our way here".
Gandalf galloped on. The sound of screaming dwindled behind them.
Later, there was a slight but distinct smell of burning. After a
while, they paused for breath.
"I thought I'd have a nice quiet day" Frodo complained. "Do a bit of
shopping, brush the dog ... now it's just after half past two in the
afternoon and I'm running for my life from the fell minions of the
Enemy, twenty leagues from the smoking remains of the Shire."
"Yes, well, just stop panicking, will you" replied Gandalf.
"Who said anything about panicking? This is still just the culture
shock!"
Frodo spent a couple of minutes staring glumly into the distance, then
apparently satisfied with his efforts in that direction, brightened
up. "I say" he chirped "did you bring any tea?"
Emilie Karr
>
> Someone on another thread asked why nobody had done Frank Herbert yet.
>
> Alas, I'll have to defer to either Bill Hsu or Ex_Ottoyuhr
> (our foremost //mentat// when it comes to Middle Earth realpolitik
> on these ngs) to write the Frank Herbert version of LOTR, as I have
> not read the Dune books in a long time.
>
> But I CAN suggest a broad plot outline!
>
> ~~~
>
> Shire, by Frank Herbert
Does this make Galadriel a Bene Gesserit?
This was great! (as they all have been - I do believe this is the best
thread on here I've encountered to date...)
Ronald O. Christian
wrote:
>[...]
>Martha
>who has never read Jackie Collins, really.
Oh. Sure.
Ron
www.europa.com/~ronc
"If UN peacekeeping had been involved during the US civil war,
it'd still be going on today."
Stan Brown
>The Lord of the Rings
>written by Jackie Collins
>
> Lady Galadriel, though married to Celeborn, great leader of the Elves,
>longed and desired for love in more exciting parts of the world. She looked
>out over the trees, her breasts heaving up and down underneath her silken
>see-through gown,
I don't often laugh out loud while reading Usenet articles, but this
time I did.
Stan Brown
> I would just like to say, these stories should be stored somewhere, and not
>lost and forgotten. Every one was very very good.
Gee, wouldn't it be wonderful if some site archived all Usenet
articles? We could call it ... google.
William Hanson
news:b72f7635.02012...@posting.google.com...
> m <p...@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:<MPG.16ba15f7c...@news.f9.net.uk>...
> <snip>
>
> > I would be banging my head against a brick wall if I had to wait till
> > March to see this film. You guys in Japan must be very patient.
> I'd rather bang the heads of the brass who decided this schedule
> against the Orthanc wall :-)
>
a bureaucrat's head isn't hard enough to do so.
-----= Posted via Newsfeeds.Com, Uncensored Usenet News =-----
http://www.newsfeeds.com - The #1 Newsgroup Service in the World!
-----== Over 80,000 Newsgroups - 16 Different Servers! =-----
Boris Badenov
Edgar Allan Poe
It was many and many a year ago
In a woods not by the sea
that a hobbit there lived whom you may know
By the name of Smeagol Lee
And this hobbit lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by his ring
The ring was so old, but he was a child
In this wood not by the sea
But he loved with a love that was more than love -
did this hobbit Smeagol Lee
With a love that the Dark Lord Sauron the eye
Coveted ring and Lee
But the ring it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we -
And neither the angels in heaven above
Nor the demons down under the sea
Could ever dissever the ring from the soul
Of the hobbit called Smeagol Lee
Ronald O. Christian
wrote:
>MH <bast...@worldnet.att.net> wrote in rec.arts.books.tolkien:
>>The Lord of the Rings
>>written by Jackie Collins
>>
>> Lady Galadriel, though married to Celeborn, great leader of the Elves,
>>longed and desired for love in more exciting parts of the world. She looked
>>out over the trees, her breasts heaving up and down underneath her silken
>>see-through gown,
>
>I don't often laugh out loud while reading Usenet articles, but this
>time I did.
Well, it actually makes sense in context. Celeborn is generally
considered an asshole.
Ronald O. Christian
wrote:
>comstar <com...@optushome.com.au> wrote in rec.arts.books.tolkien:
>> I would just like to say, these stories should be stored somewhere, and not
>>lost and forgotten. Every one was very very good.
>
>Gee, wouldn't it be wonderful if some site archived all Usenet
>articles? We could call it ... google.
Funny you should mention that. I recently looked up my oldest Usenet
message on Google. It was a site connection announcement, July 1984.
Ron (it's all there...)
Emilie Karr
> Gee, wouldn't it be wonderful if some site archived all Usenet
> articles? We could call it ... google.
>
Except if Google loses them, as DejaNews did...I believe some articles
may have fallen off the cart, as it were (though they managed to recover
some things I'd thought would be permanently MIA)
It would be nice to have the relevant posts placed somewhere more
accessible than tracking responses through the ng archive; wonder if the
Tolk.Sarc.pg will take it?
Boris Badenov
|comstar <com...@optushome.com.au> wrote in rec.arts.books.tolkien:
|> I would just like to say, these stories should be stored somewhere, and not
|>lost and forgotten. Every one was very very good.
|
|Gee, wouldn't it be wonderful if some site archived all Usenet
|articles? We could call it ... google.
That doesn't seem to be enough. We ought to have a Hall of Fame for really thoughtful
posts in this newsgroup (some newsgroups do) and most of this thread ought to be in it. I
am inclined to start a web page myself. If I didn't already have one, I probably would.
kuei...@-remove-hotmail.com
Leaving Shire in Fall,
journeying far, with great pain.
Back home: forms a Ring.
Original Japanese
Watashi no suki
kamawanu honto des
Shikata ga nai!
remove "-remove-" from address to make valid
Jette Goldie
John Savard <jsa...@ecn.aSBLOKb.caNADA.invalid> wrote in message
news:3c50e604...@news.powersurfr.com...
> On 25 Jan 2002 03:04:32 GMT, ebro...@dept.english.upenn.edu (Liz
> Broadwell) wrote, in part:
>
> >"It is a truth universally acknowledged
>
> Incidentally, this is from LOTR as it might have been written by *Jane
> Austen*.
>
>
Yup, spotted that :-)
--
Jette
(aka Vinyaduriel)
"Work for Peace and remain fiercely loving" - Jim Byrnes
je...@blueyonder.co.uk
http://www.jette.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/fanfic.html
Mia Kalogjera
>
> The Lord of the Rings
>
> "Last night, you talked. You talked about terrible things", he said. "You
> talked about things too terrible to talk about at night."
<snip>
<applause>
Mia
wrob
>
> wrob wrote:
> >
> > Someone on another thread asked why nobody had done Frank Herbert yet.
> >
> > Alas, I'll have to defer to either Bill Hsu or Ex_Ottoyuhr
> > (our foremost //mentat// when it comes to Middle Earth realpolitik
> > on these ngs) to write the Frank Herbert version of LOTR, as I have
> > not read the Dune books in a long time.
> >
> > But I CAN suggest a broad plot outline!
> >
> > ~~~
> >
> > Shire, by Frank Herbert
>
> Does this make Galadriel a Bene Gesserit?
Yup. And of course Arwen is Aragorn's concubine, after that meddlesome
Elrond is dealt with somehow or other. :-)
I can't be too sure, but I think in the third book, Frodo is brought to
life by Aragorn's enemies as a ghola or something.
Aragorn ends up turning into a Wyrm from smoking too much pipeweed as
an immortal Ring-lord, and spends the rest of his days in the Northern
Waste, sitting on a pile of treasure :-p
> This was great! (as they all have been - I do believe this is the best
> thread on here I've encountered to date...)
It's right up there with the e-text!
"The tale grew in the telling..."
-Ber