Impressions of Going Home - XII
paul chemmanoor
July 29th, 1997.
Impressions of Going Home – XII.
Although my sister’s wedding had not been fixed yet,
we decided that she might as well tag along for the
religious retreat. [Like way’s world, this apparently
unconnected and irrelevant fact will prove to be most fortunate.. ? ].
The retreat was in the Bishop house complex in trichur very close to
the trichur round itself.
Both my sister and me were reluctant to go and thought of every
excuse to avoid the trip. However it was imperative we attend.
Otherwise the church would not marry. So we made off on one
Monday morning to the Guruvayoor bus stand and got in one
of the ever-ready buses in the “Trichur – point” part of the stand.
On the way we began to talk, really talk after so much time.
She had grown up into a young woman while I was away
in America. Now, all the barriers to real communication
had gone away. Since we were both on the same threshold,
of marriage, the topics that were of common interest to us were many ?
Naturally my sister having been in Kerala for a much longer
period of time than I had, especially during the
Post-teen years, she had better knowledge of the local
traditions. And there was much I was curious about.
Like for example what exactly was the rituals associated
with our communities marriage aside from the
ritual in church? As in do we have ghastly observations of
virginal blood on the sheets day after etc.
A woman is naturally the best source for such info.
? However politically incorrect it is to say this, gossip of this
nature seems to spring from the fairer sex, at least in this day and age. ?
I have never been through a wedding time in Kerala without
having seen a cluster of women gathered whispering in tones
and attitudes of high secrecy.
The secrecy part is overdone, because one could easily tell
without hearing a word what they talked about:
how Eliakutty or Mariamma or Geetha had really been in a
hurry to get married because um see her belly had begun
to expand rather alarmingly. Never mind that the said
fair maiden was most likely innocent and pure as the driven snow.
Secrets of this kind are self sustaining, the sheer rush of being party to
such a terrible secret made these women glow. ? It got tiresome
after a while. And I don’t think these women themselves believed
these “secrets” after a few months.
Of course this is not to say malayalee women are paragons of
virtue. Just that gossips like this is very intense around every
wedding.
Since we had moved around the country a lot during dad’s
postings, we had come into contact with
a lot of different communities and several of them had
very potentially embarrassing rituals, such as a communal
bath.. My God! ?? So I was just making sure. Well there
was no bad news on that front. Whatever oddness that had
been there[ if any] among our comunities rites had been ironed
out over the years. In our community the couple basically
were left to themselves after the church rites, which I
thought was the way it should be ?
Naturally I could sense dissapointment in my sister’s tone,
because nothing had worked out for her yet. Still the bus trip
that first day was very interesting. We got to talk about our
different perceptions of life and where we wanted to go.
When we arrived in the Bishop house, we found a crowd
of people who were standing uneasily in line,
Girls to one side, and the guys in another line.
The fee was 100 rupees, except if they could prove that
They could not even afford that. The fee included food for 5 days.
Pretty good value if you ask me.
All in all I was impressed by the extent to which
they were taking care of the poor.
I have talked to people who believe differently, but I think
charity in Kerala is much higher than it used to be,
not just among christians but in general. This I attribute to a
overall religious revival.
So much so that now Kerala had become a kind of dubai for
beggars. People from far away travelled in search of the land
where people gave money away to anyone who asked. Granted
it was not a lot of money and often the people who gave money
did not sympathise with those who received it. It was more
often than not driven by a sense of shame that another human
being could be driven to a point where he or she would beg.
Of course, any shame on the part of the beggar apparently
evaporates rapidly, because we saw several people who should
have been working hard, begging because it was much easier.
When people offer to give them much more money if they worked
a little with a shovel they ran off in fear, as if work
was the devil himself.
Anyway, back at the Bishop’s house, the gathered crowds made
a subtle note as me and my sis walked in,
as they naturally presumed we were a couple ?
After all usually that’s the only reason why guys and girls
Went for a pre-marriage retreat together.. ?
This was a conceit that made us both smile.
The first day of classes was an eye-opener.
The retreat was run by priests, nuns and outside
psychologists, sociologists and judges etc.
The fundamental approach was, marriage being so
hard to dissolve, must be hard enough to
To enter into, so that the casual bride or bridegroom
would not commit to it. How much relevance
This has to Kerala where most marriages are arranged,
is questionable. In reality what the retreat
Was for really boiled down to was: Explaining how
marriage was difficult and stressful, but that its rewards
are worth the trouble.
One of the things that any teenager asks is probably:
why do people marry ?
After all it leads to limitation of the free will of the people involved.
More so of the woman in almost all societies we know.
The answer can be different for different people,
but I would sum it up as:
Just as Voltaire said, if God didn’t exist, man would invent it,
if marriage didn’t exist, most of us would invent some form of it.
Shorn of the different spins different societies put on marriage,
it is essentially a binding agreement
Designed to handle the issues of sexual fidelity, genetic
inheritance and financial inheritance. The reason
why marriage has survived all kinds of experiments such
as living in communes, is that it solves these
issues which arise in long term male-female relationships,
in the best fashion known. It acts as a stabilizing
factor in society necessary for civilisation to progress
beyond the hunter/gatherer stage.
In a retreat run by the Church for the purpose of marriage,
naturally one runs straight into a logic blackhole:
How can nuns and priests who are sworn to celibacy
teach or prepare those who are entering matrimony ?
[ …to be continued … ]
comments to ica...@access.digex.net
paul chemmanoor.
Archived at http://karuna.issoln.com
Anil Das
"paul chemmanoor" <ica...@access.digex.net> writes:
> (2) Does the clergy have any sort of insight into Sex, when they are
> sworn to celibacy.
> [ This last is not as clear as several denominations allow the
> clergy to marry ].
Aren't these pre-marriage retreats unique to the catholic
deniminations, too?
--
Anil Das
Dominic Dominic
Paul,
We had a priest from Assissi, Bharananganam (Palai), who came to Chicago
and gave a retreat. I was told that he even talked about when and how
husbands and wife should do intercourse. He recommended Saturday night
so both will come as satisfied pair on Sunday to te holy mass with
complete unification.
I can't believe this!!!! It is too much for me to digest. How do Priests
knows about the satisfaction level of the couples in this activity? He
said som other things too...i don't want to say all. This is a report
from someone who attended the retreat. He was little upset that the
priest was talking about these "private" issues.
Dominic
-
DOMINIC DOMINIC BJG...@prodigy.com
http://pages.prodigy.com/kerala
paul chemmanoor
Dominic,
I was going to expand on what went on at the retreat I went to, in the
next article installment.
The extent to which intercourse in particular and sex in general was
dealt with was going to be my focus.
So I will hold off on the subject for now.
Except to say that I think the Church's interest in the sex lives of its
flock, is consistent with the
stand that sex is an important part of life, and not something to be
ignored by the church.
Obviously if the Church is allowed to point out what is morally not
acceptable in Sex, as many
people think so, aka stands on abortion, homosexuality, than the door
to the flip side is wide open.
That is to say, on what grounds can you claim the church knows what is
bad, but not what is good in
sex ?
Whether I agree with this point of view or not, I dont want to mention
here, I want to follow through
with the articles in the series I was writing.
Of course underlying all of this are two things which would have to be
answered:
(1) Does sex have any other "meaning" other than as a means to
reproduction ?
(2) Does the clergy have any sort of insight into Sex, when they are
sworn to celibacy.
[ This last is not as clear as several denominations allow the
clergy to marry ].
Furthermore this question is actually part of something much
larger: Can the clergy know
things they cannot or should not experience ? This question has
wider implications:
What about the whole rite of confession ? Obviously the priest is
telling whoever is
confessing, what is appropriate and what is not, presumably without
experiencing most
of the sins confessed . How does that happen and how do we accept it
? How is that
different ? Of course some denominations do not have confessions
altogether ..
In more humorous vein I am reminded of a joke:
A rather old pastor, in the course of a sermon, gets rather worked up
and says:
"Brothers and Sisters, over the years I have killed many devils..."
"The devils of avarice, The devils of greed and violence.."
"And now the I have killed the devil of lust !!"
There is silence for a while, the people listening are obviously
impressed.
Then the pastors wife pipes up: "That last devil died a natural death .."
:):):):)
- paul chemmanoor.,
Dominic Dominic wrote in article
<5rqr18$277u$1...@newsxfs02-int.news.prodigy.com>...
Abuji
In article <5rr69v$o32$1...@news2.digex.net>,
paul chemmanoor <ica...@access.digex.net> wrote:
> Dominic,
>
>............
> Except to say that I think the Church's interest in the sex lives of its
>flock, is consistent with the
>
>here, I want to follow through
> with the articles in the series I was writing.
>
I look forward to this one, "a peep into the sexual impressions of clergy":)
> Of course underlying all of this are two things which would have to be
>answered:
> (1) Does sex have any other "meaning" other than as a means to
>reproduction ?
> (2) Does the clergy have any sort of insight into Sex, when they are
>sworn to celibacy.
> altogether ..
>
>
>........
> - paul chemmanoo
There is a story about Michael Angelo on a somewhat similar topic.
When he began to portray naked men on the canvas, his tutor
rather alarmed and shocked, asked
"Why would you do this Michael?"
"I want to see what God sees men as" said Angelo
and the tutor went,
"But you are not God, Michael"
The religious institutions today fail to deliver much fat because
the leaders, clergies and pujaries play the role of God;(
regards
abuji
--
. . . .