alt.stupidity Foolishly-Asked Questions [1/1]
tv's Spatch
Archive-name: stupidity/FAQ
Posting-frequency: bi-weekly
Last-modified: 7-Aug-1996
Version: 2.0000000002
alt.stupidity FAQ v2.0000000001
Created: 9/18/94, a day that will live in infamy
Last modified: 8/7/96, check with your coworkers to see if you won the pool
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"Stupid is as stupid does." - Forrest Gump
"and bacon." - alt.stupidity
CONTENTS
1. Introduction
2. Some questions and some answers
3. Some more questions and some more answers
4. Some more questions and even some more answers
5. Fun with Mr. Q&A
6. Special CD bonus tracks not featured in film
7. Special FAQ to send to those violating newsfroup rules
* denotes anything added in Version 2.0000000001
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WELCOME TO alt.stupidity!!
You can read along with me in your book. You will know it is time to turn
the page when R2D2 chirps like this: "bleep!" Now, let's begin.
This FAQ fails miserably in a pathetic attempt to explain to those just tuning
in or those already tuning out the brilliance and fun of alt.stupidity. It
also attempts to amuse, but since the notion of amusement is purely
judgemental, it cannot self-critique itself in this manner. (Suffice to say
the FAQ cannot be amused by anything since it is a simple document and
does not possess the ability to experience ANY sort of emotion. Kinda like
Data on Star Trek, the Next Generation.
Anyway, it's a wonderful waste of bandwidth and the only real attempt to
make alt.stupidity seem like a legitimate newsfroup, which, of course,
it already is. Now that you know, let's move on.
1. SOME QUESTIONS AND SOME ANSWERS.
Q: What is alt.stupidity?
A: It's a newsgroup.
Q: What is a newsgroup?
A: It's one of those things on Usenet where you read stuff and post stuff.
Q: What is Usenet?
A: Uh... it's this ... well, it's kinda like a bunch of people sitting in
a room screaming at each other, but... DON'T YOU HAVE BETTER
QUESTIONS TO ASK, PAL?
Q: Okay, okay, so I got bit general there. But really, what _IS_
alt.stupidity?
A: It's a newsfroup.
Q: Here we go again. What's a newsfroup?
*A: It's a typo. Blame/worship (l)Laura Zurawski for it. One slip of the
finger and she's immor(t)alized forever.
* Q: Are you sure she was the one who started it?
* A: Just as sure as we are that you are the one who started facial herpes.
* Q: Huh?
* A: Well, put it this way. 'newsfroup' has been floating around ever since
the dawn of time, right? And if nobody REALLY wants to come forward
and claim it for their own, then at least we can say it was Laura,
right?
Q: That I can handle. So, what's the point of alt.stupidity?
A: Don't you see it? Right between the "alt" and "stupidity".
Q: Lemme rephrase that. What's the PURPOSE of alt.stupidity? And don't
make any dolphin jokes.
A: Don't worry, alt.stupidity is a dolphin-safe newsfroup. The purpose
of alt.stupidity is to show the world that there are still truly
stupid people left. While some of this is rather self-evident
as of late, some of us need more facts than others. Most people
who read alt.stupidity are there for the intellectual conversation
and the witty repartee of their peers. While being stupid isn't
a prerequisite for this newsfroup, it certainly helps you get in
past the maitre'd.
Q: Is there a charter for alt.stupidity?
A: The charter of alt.stupidity is to provide a forum for those
who take a distictly unnatural and prurient interest in rug-
making, stitchery, and other handicrafts. The froup is
unmoderated; vituperation is open to all.
Q: No, really. What's the charter?
A: If there was a formal charter for the newsfroup at the time of
its creation, we don't have access to it at the moment.
Can anyone help?
Q: What's the official Usenet description?
A: alt.stupidity Discussion about stupid newsgroups.
Q: That's worse than Chris Farley's sweat socks. Is there any way we can
change that?!
A: Well, we wish. It would take a lot of hard work by sysadmins everywhere
to change the description should someone play with newgroup messages,
but one can still dream...
Q: ...
A: That's a very beautiful ellipsis there.
Q: Thanks. So, what belongs in the newsfroup?
A: Just about anything! People find stupid posts from other newsgroups
and re-post them in alt.stupidity, sometimes making it the Bastard
Son of alt.humor.best-of-usenet. Others bring entire threads to
the newsfroup, citing the rule that "if a thread becomes too stupid,
cross-posting to alt.stupidity is nigh-inevitable." And still others
start stupid, yet stimulating conversations alone on the newsfroup.
* But achtung, Chucko! Simply diverting a thread to alt.stupidity
* with the catch-phrase "Follow-ups directed to alt.stupidity cause
* that's where it belongs" just simply WON'T DO. alt.stupidity is not
* the giant junk heap of the Usenet, rather, it's more like the shack
* outside the giant junk heap. Any threads you want to get rid of, send
* to alt.dev.null, junk, or perhaps even rec.pets.cats, though I don't
* think they'll like you for it.
Some of the more recent conversations have included discussion about corn,
death, sex, masturbation, and Bob Vila, though not necessarily all
in the same post. However, there was a post that did have all of
those elements in it once, and it was a real doozy. It's too bad
you missed it. No, really.
mr...@uvacs.cs.Virginia.EDU (Miss Manners) has this to say about
etiquette on the froup:
Here are some etiquette reminders that will help us all to make
the froup an even more inane place:
-- When posting, please use @'s for a's, 3's for e's, |'s for
i's, and 0's for o's. [ Editor's note: This man is lying. ]
-- Please try to work the topic of chipmunk idolatry into the
discussion whenever possible. [Editor's note: This man may be lying.]
-- The readers of this froup are really quite daft; you can make
a lot of money off of them (a la MAKE.MONEY.FAST) if you try.
Please post as many chain letters, pyramid schemes, and
3-card monty games as you like. [ Editor's note: This man is
obviously lying. ]
-- If you know of any good "Song Lyrics from Hell," be sure to
post them here. Also, please make sure you cross-post them
to alt.fan.dave-barry, alt.rock-n-roll, and
rec.arts.marching.drumcorps. [ Editor's note: Yup, he's piling it
on higher and deeper. ]
-- This is not a garbage, so please, please, please do not thow
it out lest you consider yourself fucked up. [ Editor's note: Uh,
yeah. ]
Q: So what really doesn't belong here?
A: Flame wars, especially flame wars occuring in/between one/two/n entirely
different newsgroups. While they ARE stupid, they have no reason
existing on alt.stupidity, simply because of the fact that since
ignorance is bliss, those who flame must be in the know, and that's
* not good. Arguing about smoking and/or Christianity is right out.
Also, alt.stupidity does not like commercial advertising,
because even though THAT'S stupid we would never sink so low. Of
course, one may re-post a stupid ad to alt.stupidity, providing
he/she follows the Rule of Stupid Reposts.
Q: What IS the Rule of Stupid Reposts?
A: The Rule of Stupid Reposts states that "If one is to repost or crosspost
a stupid article, one/he/she/it/them/they/us/rufus xavier sasparilla
must only quote the part of that the article that one/he/she/it/them
/they/us/that kangaroo girl feels is sufficiently stupid, and also
must include a witty, pithy, or silly saying at the bottom of
the quote-repost-crosspost making light of said silly article, unless
said silly article is sufficiently stupid enough so not as to warrant
a comment, in which case a comment isn't necessary but really really
REALLY encouraged stop."
* "However, " the Sanity Clause continues, "Thou shalt not use a witty
* saying such as the aforementioned 'This belongs in alt.stupidity
* cause it is', because then all you're doing is showing the world what
* a gimboid you really are."
Q: Uh, okay. Why?
A: That way alt.stupidity doesn't REALLY become the Bastard Son of
alt.humor.best-of-usenet, and it keeps the Quote-500-Lines-And-Add-1
stuff to a minimum.
* Q: What about cascades? Don't they follow that stuff?
* A: Yeah, but those are usually funny or something.
Q: Hey, some of us have fascist inews readers. What about us?
A: Time to get a new reader, I guess.
Q: Hey, I'm kinda sick of typing alt.stupidity all the time. It's becoming
so that when I look at the phrase, it looks weird to me. Can I
just be cool and abbreviate it to 'a.s'?
A: No.
Q: Why not?
A: Because then you'd confuse alt.stupidity with alt.sex, or alt.spork, or
even alt.shiskabob, because they all follow the "a.s" format.
2. SOME MORE QUESTIONS AND SOME MORE ANSWERS
Q: Ok, what's with all this "(bacon/corn/Bob Vila/sock)" stuff?
A: *gasp* You mean you DON'T KNOW?!
Q: Of course I don't, cause if I did, I wouldn't have asked.
A: Please state that in the form of a question.
Q: Oh. Why would I have asked if I had already known?
* A: For the pleasure of personal knowledge. Refer yourself, however,
* to the alt.stupidity LexicoRn, a file that should follow this FAQ in
* all its blazing glory. The LexicoRn attempts to sort through the
* various sayings and settings currently used by the froup, however, it
* does not in any way imply a cabalist setting or a clique.
* Feel free to use your own stupid, witty, innocuous sayings as you
* would in any other social function. Moo.
Q: Who are the Bacon Sandwiches?
* A: alt.stupidity's STUPIDEST BAND! Or were, rather, until in an
* attempt to increase their airplay, they decided to kill a band member
* off. Unfortunately, it was never really clear which band member
* should die, and most volunteered, with the remnants trying their luck
* with other bands. No, seriously.
Q: Is there any way I can find more information about the Bacon Sandwiches?
A: What, do you not know entertainment from a poke in the ear with a sharp
stick? The official Bacon Sandwiches homepage can be found at
* http://www.retina.net/~spatula/stupid/bsindex.html. The actual Bacon
Sandwiches FAQ can be found there, as well as discographies and
interviews and big icons.
Q: Complete this phrase: Die, _________ bastard.
A: Most appropriately, "capybara".
Q: What about some other land-based rodentlike mammal?
A: That was only during the "Die, _____ Bastard" game, also played in an
attempt to stave off the Big Flamewar of '94. Instead of responding
"and bacon." to everything, you'd respond with a different land-based
rodentlike mammal every time.
Q: What about the "name a silly vegetable" game played in alt.shenanigans
a few months ago? Was this started by someone from alt.stupidity?
A: Not as far as we know, and it probably wasn't; that game was ruined
by too many follow-ups by too many people and TOO MANY DAMN
MISSPELLINGS OF "RUTABAGA".
Q: What are some other accomplishments alt.stupidity has achieved?
Well, there was the "Disassociation" cascade a year ago, but it
is still not known from whence that originated, but most of the
alt.stupidity regulars at that time contributed greatly to its
propagation. Whenever a "HAHAHAHA SO-AND-SO IS DEAD" message
is sent by our friend Joe Six-Pack it is almost always brought
to alt.stupidity's attention, where it is then set upon like
sharks attracted to fresh blood, confusing and bewildering those
attempting to flame. As stupid as the "Song Lyrics from Hell"
thread may have been, alt.stupidity has been trying to disavow
any knowledge of its origins, due to the ire of both the
rec.music.dementia and the Dave Barry hordes.
alt.stupidity has been mentioned in several books about the Internet,
those are the books that people read in the hopes of actually becoming
"hip" and "glommed on" to the Internet and Usenet and everything.
* One of the books liked us, the other one told everyone to stay away
* from us. But then again, if you're reading a book entitled "How To
* Get Your Sexual Jollies On The Information Superhighway", then perhaps
* it's better that you don't come near us.
Q: What are the first three lines to the Disassociation cascade?
A: >>>marlinspike.
>>ballyhoo.
>calvinball.
Q: Is this archived anywhere?
A: God, we hope not.
Q: Is there an Official Drink of alt.stupidity?
A: Yes, the TRUE YETI. Simply mix equal parts of Everclear, Black Death Vodka,
Mad Dog (whatever flavour you find the least revolting), Coke II,
Jaegermeister, Rockadile Red Kool-Aid and one Fizzy into a
very large mug shaped like (l)Laura's bottom. (DISCLAIMER: I am in
no means insinuating that (l)Laura's bottom is very large. I
suggest that if you try this you will find that (l)Laura's bottom
is to scale.)
If you drink all of this in under 5 minutes then you, too, will be
able to see TRUE YETI, though the next thing you see will either be
the floor or the ceiling.
Q: Why either the floor or the ceiling?
A: Depends on what direction you like to collapse.
Q: What was with that "Adam Curry" cascade a while back?
A: Our own mutating friend mrl6a, Agent from the planet Zoink, had a good
laugh and went his merry way. However, a mean letter from the
REAL Mr. Curry, who apparently did not laugh, soon proved him
wrong.
Q: What about the "Longest Known Palindrome" or the "Slang Terms for
Masturbation" threads?
A: alt.stupidity denies any responsibility for the creation of or the
continuation of the thread. Remember, it's one newsfroup in a
Newsgroups: line of about a zillion or so, and we suspect that
those yahoos in alt.conspiracy have a thing going against us anyhow.
Q: So, who are some of the intriguing and illuminating people I'll find
on alt.stupidity?
A: Illuminating? Wrong newsgroup, pal!
Q: Sorry. Who might I see on alt.stupidity?
A: If you really need to know, why not check out the froup itself? There,
in small columns or rows, are name after name of alt.stupidians.
Remember, if you post to alt.stupidity once, you're a Stupidian
ever after. We're kind of like napalm in that context... we stick
to you and we won't wash off, even in soap and water.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The once-proud "Hall of Semi-Maybe Fame" and the "Nostalgia
Chamber", once part of the actual FAQ itself, have now been relegated
to their own separate documents. This is to help separate the wheat
from the chaff, whatever that means. It also gives Spatch a few
extra minutes to add new folks to the Hall of Semi-Maybe Fame and
relegate a few others to the nostalgia chamber. So don't cry for
them just yet, you'll see them soon if you really wish hard enough.
Q: How can I add to the collective genius of alt.stupidians and maybe
have my name added in the Hall of Semi-Maybe Fame someday?
A: Post to alt.stupidity, hold forth in its conversations, get to know
the folks better, come home for dinner once in a while, and
do smile.
Q: Is there a certain net.deity I must worship to be in this group?
A: Hell no! We're not like those other fascist, mega-elite groups which
require you to pledge total devotion and submission to one who
seemingly runs the place. Nor do we require you to write poems
about certain large, hairy land-based mammals. Although Spatch
and (l)Laura accept the occasional tithing, there is no real
deity of alt.stupidity to worship. And that's how it's gonna
be. We is an non-denominational newsfroup.
Q: Is there an official alt.stupidity .GIF/.JPG site so I can see exactly
who I'm encouraging?
A: No. (Should there be?!)
Various individuals, for one reason or another, have set up their
own homepages which may or may not include images of themselves.
* The Hall of Semi-Maybe Fame will probably include a small list
* of homepages, but then again, we're such an incestuous web-based
* group that chances are if you go to one of our web pages, we'll
* have links to everybody else's.
Q: Will there ever be an Official alt.stupidity gathering/get-together/con
thing like the super-cool newsgroups hold every so often?
A: Probably not. Since stupidity knows no boundaries, our beautiful and
talented panel of regulars come from all over the globe, and getting
them all gathered together in one place at one time is not only
about as possible as reuniting all 6 Beatles, it's probably also one
of the Seven Signs of the Apocalpyse. However, if someone extremely
masochistic would ever want to co-ordinate such an event, be sure
to let everyone know and preferably buy some stock in Nutella before
you do.
Q: What's Nutella?
A: A tasty snack consisting of a chocolate and hazelnut spread. You put
it on crackers, fruit, bread, body parts, and bacon. It's a European
export to the US so if it ever had commercials they'd probably be
as cheesy as those Mentos ones.
* Q: What about IRC?
* A: Spatch has registered #bobvila on DALNet, but DALNet itself is way
* stupid and not many folks ever show up.
Q: Does "It's Thursday." mean anything to you?
A: Yes, it's a snide comment to steersdd (sic?!)'s signoff
-------> Have a good weekend! <-------
which was put on the end of every one of his messages whether or not
it was actually the weekend. Some people, you will find out, have
no sense of gratitude. Others just choose to ignore it.
Q: Who is Gavin MacLeod and what importance does he have in the shaping
of our society as we know it?
A: Gavin MacLeod was born on February 28, 1930 in Mt. Kisco, NY.
His pre'mier ro^le is, of course, the loveable old salt of a
captain on TV's THE LOVE BOAT.
Q: Can you tell me all about THE LOVE BOAT?
A: Sure!
THE LOVE BOAT: 60 minutes--ABC
Pilot: May 5, 1977
Premier: Sept 24, 1977
Setting: The luxury liner _Pacific_Princess_, nicknamed
the Love Boat by her crew. Basically a series
of vignettes about floundering romances that
occur during the ship's cruises.
CAST
___________________
Merrill Stubing,
the supercilious captain................Gavin MacLeod
Julie McCoy,
the prissy yet sensual cruise director..Lauren Tewes
Dr. Adam Bricker,
the ship's lecherous physician..........Bernie Kopell
Burl "Gopher" Smith,
the wacky yeoman purser.................Fred Grandy
Issac Washington,
the personalityless bartender...........Ted Lance
Q: I see you are a savant of the Old West. What can you tell me about Rat
Bastardson?
A: Well-informed sources in Washington claim that evidence has
arisen to the effect that, due to a mix-up at the hospital, the
Clintons actually took home a baby capybara.
Q: misc.kids really hates it when Matthew posts that, don't they?
A: No, their emotions range from mildly befuddled to orgasmically fufilled.
Q: If God loves us all, how come he/she allows so much suffering in the
world?
A: You're really begging to be hit, aren't you?
Q: I'm sorry. Can you translate a particular foreign phrase into English
for me? "Den Speck hat der Spatchel geumdreht."
A: Since I am infuriatingly impetuous, I would immediately blurt out
that it means that the bacon has flipped the spatula. However,
the enlightened reader may notice that MacIntyre's
_Die_Kapybarenaufklarung_ translates this as "The spatula has
flipped the bacon."
Q: Will this be on the exam?
A: Uh, the exam was last Thursday. You missed it. No retakes.
Q: I am having trouble breathing. Why?
A: You need to consult the alt.stupidity Step-By-Step Guide to Breathing.
STEP 1: Inhale.
STEP 2: Exhale.
STEP 3: Repeat.
Q: Are the beds at Motel 6 really as uncomfortable as Tom Bodett thinks they
are?
A: I dunno, but they never keep the light on for ME.
Q: How come you get to answer all the questions?
A: I didn't answer ALL of them. Some of them were provided by generous
readers like yourself, who sent in a FQA to
the address mentioned below and were acknowledged and everything.
Q: FQA?
A: Frequently-Questioned Answer.
Q: Oh.
A: To find out how you can preview the Encyclopedia Britannica in your own
home, simply call -
Q: Hey, we're not in that commercial, we're in a FAQ, remember?
A: Oh. Right.
Q: Is this almost over? I got 24 new messages in alt.doody to read.
A: Yeah. One more question should do it.
Q: Is there one last piece of advice you'd wish to bestow upon those who
wish to experience alt.stupidity?
A: Nice way to wrap up, kinda like the 18th hole in Mini Golf. Well,
just remember this: You're not out to prove who's stupider.
You're not out to win the friendship of hundreds, if not thousands
of machines. You're here to just have fun, so do it. Have fun.
Be young. Drink a TRUE YETI. I won't accept your bill from the
Betty Ford Clinic if you do, however.
Q: And?
A: and bacon. Sorry about that. Almost forgot.
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WHO WROTE THE FAQ?
Spatch (spa...@javanet.com) and mr...@uvacs.cs.Virginia.EDU
(William Q. Shakespeare).
WHO HELPED IN THE MAKING OF THE FAQ?
Matt Lehr, with his original FAQ, portions of which served as new sections for
this FAQ (most prominently the Rules of Etiquette and the series
synopsis for THE LOVE BOAT.)
John Lodder, for sending said FAQ to Spatch after an accidental
deletion
Per Harald Myrvang, for a nice note with the correct spelling of his name
Anyone else who complained/noted that someone was left out of the list
TO WHOM DO I SEND CONTRIBUTIONS, ERRATA, MONEY, ET CETERA?
spa...@javanet.com. Now the true home of Noodle -- wait a minute, I
didn't write Noodle here! What gives?!
WHAT MUSIC WAS PLAYED IN THE MAKING OF THIS FAQ?
They Might Be Giants, Spike Jones, the BOBS, and this real cool Electric
Company album taped from the archives at WMUA.
WHAT CHEMICALS PLAYED A ROLE IN THE MAKING OF THIS FAQ?
Caffeine, sugar, and these Giant Now And Laters that turn your mouth
* different colours. For v2.0000000002, Guinness Extra Stout, which
* probably played a big role in motivating Spatch enough to update
* the FAQ and send it off, even though he swears he didn't write
* "Noodle" above.
DO WE REALLY CARE?
No.
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The alt.stupidity FAQ is copyrighted (C) 1995 R. Noyes and may only be
distributed as is: nothing added, nothing deleted, nothing changed, without
the express written permission from the author and a nice note from your
mother (though the latter may be exempted if need be.) This FAQ is meant
for entertainment purposes only, though the author cannot see how you could
even attempt to profit off this. James Bond will return in "The Living
Nightlights." Until next time, don't forget to floss.
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and bacon.
***
SPECIAL SECTION OF FAQ TO SEND TO SOMEONE VIOLATING NEWSFROUP RULES
***
All you have to do is send them the following, so cut and paste it and
keep it nicely somewhere and this should do the rest.
-- snip --
Hey, Mister Poopypants! This alt.stupidity FAQ is for you cause you seem
to need one! Can't go posting with impunity any more once you know how
to post! Here are the rules.
1: See how you're posting now?
2: Don't do it.
That's simple! We love you! Maybe! Bye bye!
--
tv's Spatch, MSTie #43790 and a traveller who honks at Smurfs
"Small towns are really boring because once you've seen the cannon in the
town square, there's nothing else to do." - Lenny Bruce
Right, like you've been there before: http://www.javanet.com/~spatula
jcblanks
The Last Viking
Stardate Wed, 28 Aug 1996 01:07:35 -0400, jcblanks wrote in alt.stupidity:
You didn't have to quote the whole bloody message, now did you?
--(.)------------------T-H-E---L-A-S-T---V-I-K-I-N-G-------------------v7.12
W p Email: pek...@nyx.net *information wants
/|\| Home: http://www.cs.uit.no/~paalde/ to be free
() | Music: http://www.dataconsult.no/beatservice/ *revenge is
--/-\----net.cop and cancel knight of the alt.flame special forces---justice
vim:nobk:noai:nosi:wm=8:tw=78
Rick
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>CONTENTS
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>WELCOME TO alt.stupidity!!
> CAST
> ___________________
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>and bacon.
>-- snip --
SEnd me some too.