The alt.fan.karl-malden.nose FMQ (Frequently Meowed Questions)
The 2-Belo
alt.fan.karl-malden.nose FMQ (Frequently Meowed Questions)
Version 3.5: January 30, 1999
Written by The 2-Belo, Emperor of Meow
Based on the original afk-mn FAQ, written by Snowwolf
and John "Rear Admiral" McKeon in September, 1996
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1. What exactly is afk-mn for? And what kind of a name for a newsgroup is
alt.fan.karl-malden.nose?
Alt.fan.karl-malden.nose (afk-mn) is the official hub/headquarters of what is
known as THE EMPIRE OF MEOW, a loose comglomerate of flame, troll, and silliness
newsgroups throughout Usenet. At press time, several dozen of these satellite
groups are known to exist, with several more being annexed each month.
In a pinch, afk-mn is the newsgroup for discussion of that humongous honker
attached to famous western movie star/American Express Card hawker Karl Malden.
2. How did this "EMPIRE" come into being?
Read the History of Meow page (http://afk-mn.eist.co.jp/meow.html) for a
complete historical account.
3. "Meow"?
Meow.
4. Why "meow"? Why not, say, "woof"?
Well, we have been known to say "woof", as well as "AWOOO!", "Squawk", and
"Ba-a-a-a" on occasion. But we prefer to utter the Holy Word of the Empire,
which is "Meow".
5. Waitagoddaminnit. This is silly.
Of course. That is the major point of the whole thing, actually. The right to be
silly has long been one of the cornerstone philosophies of the 'Nose (as we
affectionately call it).
6. How can I get my newsgroup inducted into this "empire"?
There are two chief methods for becoming an Official Meow Meow Newsgroup:
a) Crossposting articles of any kind, preferably those containing the word
"Meow", into afk-mn from your newsgroup. 'Nosers will happily take this as an
open invitation to share our vast trove of crossposted threads with you.
b) Barging into afk-mn, sans sense of humor, bitching about off-topic crossposts
in your newsgroup. Furthermore, your indoctrination into the Empire will be
speeded if you threaten mailbombing, post flooding, netcopping, legal action,
etc. (This method can be used either seriously, or as a ruse to get your
group inducted in haste.)
7. Even if I fail to do either of these things, can my newsgroup still become
part of the Empire?
Eventually, yes. 'Nosers will, on occasion, send out "reconnaisance" crossposts
to draw in more information about potential additions to the Empire, and--
8. But that's trolling.
Um... yeah, I guess it is. That's another philosophy of the 'Nose (AWACI): the
right to flush out fuckheads for net.food.
9. So this is a flame group?
Although flames do make up a large chunk of threads in the 'Nose, afk-mn is
technically the home of Usenet Performace Art (UPA). UPA is the art of Usenet
humor through flames, trolls, cascades, and general silliness, with a flair for
"intellectual stupidity" (an oxymoron, but an apt description nonetheless).
10. Just saying "meow" is humorous? I don't see much humor in that.
Well, not by itself. You have to think - use the Holy Word at the right time, in
the right place. A carefully placed barrage of meows, aimed at the right target,
can produce loads of fun for days on end through the aimless crankiness of
others. This only works for you, however, if you have a sense of humor and an
inclination to be silly; you must realize that without silliness on Usenet, we'd
all be a bunch of cretinous robotic college kids like the stuck-up insufferable
snots from Haaavaaad. (See the History page for more details.)
In other words, lighten the hell up! It's only a computer network, fer
chrissake.
11. What kind of material can be found on the 'Nose on a given day?
Since one of the major goals in the 'Nose is an ever-increasing Almighty Post
Count, then you're likely to see damn near anything. But the most common things
you'll see are flames; cascades (through not as many as there used to be: see
questions 13 and 14); "me-too" threads; Make Money Fast spam; huge headers and
.sigs; silly conversations about nearly any topic imaginable; complete and
fragmented binaries; general screaming and yelling; songs, poems, and narrative
prose; automated post floods ("'bots") that scream how they want to fuck your
hairy mother up the ass with a broken broomstick; reposted crap from threads
that died in 1994; and, of course, meows.
12. You mean you can post anything here?! No rules at all?
Yep. Well, there's only one cardinal rule: everything you post into afk-mn must
be crossposted to at least one other group (except for cascades; see #14).
Articles posted into afk-mn only will be ignored - we have our STANDARDS, after
all! If an article isn't crossposted, then how do you expect the Empire to
flourish and grow?
13. Ok - what the hell is a cascade?
Cascades are the most visually stunning forms of UPA - and, as it happens, the
most misunderstood. A cascade is a series of followups to a post, one right
after the other, usually with a one-word or one-sentence addition, as follows:
>>>Meow.
>>Meow.
>Meow.
.woeM
As the cascade grows, the entries may follow a similar pattern like the above
example, or they may mutate drastically. The resulting post at the end of the
thread is a triangle-shaped monstrosity that not only looks cool, but sometimes
can be a hilarious read from top to bottom. You can find a good example at
http://afk-mn.eist.co.jp/nguyencasc.txt .
14. Hey! That's awesome! But how come I don't see many of these things in
afk-mn?
Because, as stated before, cascades are a misunderstood beast. Since they get
crossposted, and some of the threads can get quite long, the humorless, anal
types have labeled them as "spam", and "net abuse". Since 1997, when a rogue
vigilante named Stan Kalisch III attempted to auto-cancel cascades in a number
of groups including the 'Nose, this form of UPA - and its practicioners - have
been persecuted all over Usenet. This persecution reached a peak when a major
ISP, Altopia, delcared crossposted cascades to be illegal (and worthy of account
cancellation) when posted from their servers.
Since Altopia was and is the ISP of choice for 'Nosers because of its lax
Acceptable Use Policy and guarantee of total anonymity when posting, the
prohibition of cascades - a "law" 'Nosers feel is similar to The Prohibition of
alcohol in the United States during the 1920's - has been a major setback for
Usenet Performance Art. All cascades posted since then have been to the 'Nose
only, relying on non-Altopians to spread the word.
15. That sucks.
Yeah. But other than that, anything is go.
16. Is the Empire of Meow a flame organization, with members and initiations and
all that shit? I keep hearing stuff about Meowers, and...
One word: NO. There are no official "members" of the Empire, and there is no
organization of any kind. "Meower" is simply a name that has been given to those
people who wish to indulge in Usenet Performance Art. The only requirement for
"membership" is the desire to crosspost articles into afk-mn for the sake of
humor and fun. The "Meowers" who are regulars in the 'Nose operate on a loose,
freelance policy. We sometimes collaborate on a coordinated troll, but we mostly
act of our own volition. Hell, sometimes we even flame and troll each other!
In alt.flame, another "satellite" group of the 'Nose (though an older
institution than the Empire), you may find an actual flame organization known as
Hell Flame Wars (HFW). HFW is a more highly organized "flame cartel", complete
with members (only 3 at this time, but what the hell), an official web site, and
encouragement to apply for membership. These people are dedicated to coordinated
invasion of newsgroups for flaming purposes, and they take their "vocation"
quite seriously. The Empire believes that total herd-mentality Usenetting
strangles creativity, and reading some of the HFW's flame threads will no doubt
attest to that fact. By comparing "Meowers" with the HFW, one can plainly
realize what the Empire is, and what it is not.
17. Is that why there is no Who's Who?
Yep. Even we don't know who's who around here (and neither, for that matter,
does the HFW, mheh heheheh m hehehehhehheh). Pay attention long enough, and
you'll find out eventually, anyway.
18. So, what would be the best way to summarize alt.fan.karl-malden.nose?
Post anything you damn well please here. No restrictions, no rules, no fuss, no
muss. You need not even pay any attention to this FAQ. In fact, try to ruin us -
try to destroy us. We feed on the attention; we know you will give it to us
eventually, one way or the other. Someday, soon, your newsgroup will be
assimilated. We are Meow. Resistance is futile.
19. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
meow meow meow meow, MEOW?
*Meow*.
--
The 2-Belo
Emperor of Meow, Representative of alt.fan.karl-malden.nose for The
'Nose/MacAdvocate/New Scotland/Romathian Alliance
THE AFK-MN WEBCENTER: http://afk-mn.eist.co.jp/
"My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you that I've signed legisla-
tion that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
- Ronald Reagan, August 11, 1984, during a voice-level test accidentally
broadcast live before his weekly political radio address. The comment,
heard worldwide, caused Russian defense forces to go on high alert.