DP/UF:FI - New Beginnings [FanFic]

[MegaZone]

EYRIE PRODUCTIONS, UNLIMITED
presents

FUTURE IMPERFECT: New Beginnings

Benjamin D. Hutchins

(c) 1993-1994 Eyrie Productions

UTOPIA PLANITIA NAVAL SHIPYARDS
ZETA CYGNI DYSON SPHERE
DOCKING BAY No. 17
31 OCTOBER 2388 TSC 19:58:57

Docking Bay Number Seventeen at the Utopia Planitia Naval
Shipyards is a truly impressive sight. It is located on the inner
surface of the Dyson sphere itself, rather near the shipyard office
complex, and is very rarely used. The bay is fully enclosed, heated
and pressurized, so that technicians can work in it without the need
for bulky, cumbersome pressure equipment. The surface toward the
shipyard interior is a retractable dome of transparent durasteel. The
bay itself is equipped with all manner of automated and semi-automated
construction and repair equipment on a grand scale; it is seven miles
long, five wide, and four deep. In it, the SDF-23 was constructed.
And in it, the SDF-23 was currently docked, held at station by
two enormous booms pincering the vast craft from the sides. The bay
was pressurized and brilliantly illuminated; hovering nearby, the
GENOM AT&T eclipsed the sun so that the space around the bay was dark.
The SDF-23's vast foredeck was covered with people, neatly ordered
into color-coded ranks, six to a side.
Down the port side, there were: a large contingent
(practically the entire working shipyard's complement) of white-suited
UPNS technicians; next to them, resplendent in the red gabardine of
their dress tunics, the entire officer corps (and a large percentage
of the enlisted personnel as well) of the WDF Navy Strategic Fleet;
after them, a block of blue-clad personnel, the Tactical Fleet
officers and NCOs; then the Bastard Sons of Kilrah, in their
tiger-striped "dress rags"; after them, the grey-clad contingent of
GENOM Corporation executives, techs, and other employees; and the
First Cybertron Armored Autobot Cavalry Division, polished and fitted
for the day.
Across the wide, red-carpeted aisle were the green-and-black
WDF Marines; the orange-and-black Salusian Space Marines 121st
Division; the multicolored Tactical Division personnel were next,
fighter and bomber pilots from the various Aerospace Arms; row upon
row of dress-uniformed Worlds Welfare Work Association personnel;
another WDF Navy contingent, the white-coated Experimental Fleet
officers (and, as usual, any enlisted personnel who had taken their
invitation seriously -- many had not); and finally, across from the sea
of white that was the UP contingent, were the black-coated Silent
Service personnel.
The red carpet in the center ran all the way back, covering
the seam in the foredeck, and terminated at the door to the Number
Five sub-Reflex turret house. At the other end, almost at the
precipice at deck's end, were five steps up to a raised dais, a large,
polished slab of tritanium starship armor made into a kind of table, a
small contingent of personnel, and, behind them, the Wedge Defense
Force's All-Branches Service Band.
Clustered round the table at the aisle's end were Baron Lord
Wolfgang Amadeus Fahrvergnugen, the patron lord of the WDF; Vaughn
Gross; Iczers One and Two; and calm-faced Kwei-Chang Caine, the Master
of GENOM Corporation, wearing his human guise for the first time in
decades and looking much more comfortable. Behind them, being
unobtrusive, was Network 23 reporter Maria Meneghel, the red light
atop her subethercam glowing softly. Net23 was the only network that
had been permitted to provide coverage of this event.
Fahrvergnugen raised a hand. The band started playing a song,
mostly horns, soft and vaguely mournful. Careful listeners
immediately recognized it as the ending credits theme from Mystery
Science Theatre 3000. (There were a few carefully restrained
breakages among the multitude of guests, most noticeably among the
contingent from the WDF Pennsylvania.) The guests fell silent.
The gunhouse door opened and a man stepped out, walking with
an even, measured stride -- in step with the music -- toward the other
end. He was very meticulously prepared, that much was obvious to look
at him, because not a single component of his WDF Navy Stragetic Fleet
dress uniform was out of order. His boots were polished to an almost
mirror finish. The white stripe on his trousers was almost blinding,
as was the collar of his shirt. His scarlet tunic was flawless, the
admiral's cross, WDF insignia, and large collection of medals and
campaign ribbons carefully polished. The dress phaser hanging from
his belt glittered, as did the short, square knife. The swords on his
back hung in newly oiled scabbards.
His gold-framed crystal eyeglasses gleamed under the lights,
and the blue eyes underneath were bright. His long brown hair was
pulled back into a ponytail, and his beard was neatly trimmed. The
WDF Academy and Starfleet Academy class rings gleamed on his hands,
and at his wrist was his trademark silver Rolex Immortal. He had
eschewed the swagger stick he was, as an admiral, entitled to, but he
had made one small concession to professional ego: the gleaming
rowelless spurs on his boots proclaimed him, quietly, to have been a
Valkyrie fighter pilot at some time in his career.
Admiral Benjamin D. "Gryphon" Hutchins, Commander in Chief,
Wedge Defense Force Strategic Fleet, marched down the aisle, smiling
openly and not caring if anyone thought him to be unaware of the
gravity of his situation. Behind him, towering over him and appearing
to be ever so slightly embarrassed about the whole thing, was another,
even more famous man: Fleet Admiral MegaZone, his blue dress tunic
(also encrusted with decorations and campaign ribbons) providing a
chromatic counterpoint to Gryphon's red one.
As they walked, Gryphon became aware that the Tactical Fleet
officers, led perhaps by Captain Bacon of WDF Tom Servo, had begun
chanting softly: "Dess-lokdesslokdesslok! Dess-lokdesslokdesslok!"
He made a mental note to smack Derek around a little, hearing MegaZone
fight down a laugh behind him, and smiled again.
Admiral Hutchins ascended to the platform; MegaZone remained
one step behind him and slightly to his left. Both saluted Lord
Fahrvergnugen, who returned their salutes gravely.
The music played on.
Moments later the gunhouse door opened again. This time, a
woman stepped out onto the red carpet. She, too, was carefully
prepared. She wore a silver and black Worlds Welfare Work Association
dress uniform, the kind with the WDF Navy-style overlapping tunic
(except that the 3WA tunic had buttons down the right side, and this
one had a skirt that reached to just below her knees). Her low boots
were made of some white and supple material. She wore a dress saber
at her side, and a polished black shoulder holster suspended a
glittering black PlasmaTronix 2000 sidearm under her left arm. The
single black chevron, pointing down, at each shoulder identified her
rank. Under the 3WA symbol printed in black on the upper left chest
were an impressive number of medals and ribbons. She was only
slightly made up -- just enough to accentuate her already startling
beauty -- and her flame-red hair was in a perfect wolf cut, a
silver-white ribbon tied elegantly above her left ear.
Trouble Consultant First Class Kei Jeanne-Marie Morgan
followed much the same path as Admiral Hutchins had, and like the
Admiral, she had a slightly-trailing companion, in this case her
partner, TC1 Yuri Daniels. Again, there was a chromatic counterpoint;
TC1 Daniels's uniform was golden. Also, she was on the arm of a
broadly-grinning Edison Bell, decked out in his best Victorian finery
and sporting his old familiar face now, not the hawk-nosed one that
everyone had almost gotten used to.
They reached the steps and ascended; Bell bowed deeply to Lord
Fahrgergnugen and to Gryphon, presented TC1 Morgan, and then stepped
up to take his place behind Farhvergnugen, next to Master Caine. TC1
Morgan took up a position at the top of the steps, next to Admiral
Hutchins; TC1 Daniels stopped one step back, slightly to her right,
mirroring Admiral MegaZone's position. The music stopped. For a
moment, there was silence.
"My children," Fahrvergnugen boomed momentarily, "today is a
great day. Today, a love born in the fires that forged the original
Wedge Defense Force, a love that survived three centuries of war, the
treachery of Largo, a century of hardship and misunderstanding, and
the greatest battle that space has ever known, will be sealed into the
Law of the Wedge Defense Force, under the watchful eye of Eris. Let
us all rejoice at the power of this bond."
There was a wave of open cheering before Farhrvergnugen held
up a massive hand and continued, "Let us begin; surely after four
centuries there is no excuse for further delay." He smiled.
"Benjamin D. Hutchins, do you take this woman, Kei J. Morgan, to be
your wife? Do you swear an oath above all other oaths, to love,
respect, and aid her in all things, to support her, guide her, defend
her, and never to forsake her?"
"I so swear," replied Gryphon, looking him straight in the
eye.
Fahrvergnugen smiled immensely. "Kei J. Morgan, do you take
this man, Benjamin D. Hutchins, to be your husband? Do you swear an
oath above all other oaths, to love, respect, and aid him in all
things, to support him, guide him, defend him, and never to forsake
him?"
"I so swear," said Kei, also meeting his gaze unflinchingly.
"If any being here knows of any reason why these two should
not, at long last, be joined in law as they are in soul, let you speak
out now, so that we may defeat your arguments!" Farhvergnugen boomed
to the (figurative) rafters.
There were several seconds of dead silence.
"Very well! Have you your vows ready?"
"I do," both replied.
"Excellent. Speak them now."
Kei began. (It was only fair. Fahrvergnugen had, after all,
extracted Gryphon's oath first. :-) She turned to him and, looking
right into his eyes (they were, after all, precisely the same height),
said, "Our lives will often separate us, as our duties carry us to the
far corners of space, on dangerous assignments and perilous missions.
I only want to assure you of one thing. I will always come back."
"As will I," Gryphon replied. "Nothing can separate us
forever. Until Death do us part; until Death do us rejoin." Bell
managed not to snicker. Gryphon glanced out of the corner of his eye
and saw Optimus Prime, Martin Rose, and the rest of the Autobots far
down the gallery, and added, "Until all are one, Kei."
Kei smiled. "Until all are one, Ben."
"By the power vested in me by the authority of Goddess
herself," Fahrvergnugen boomed, spreading his hands and placing one,
across the altar, on the shoulder of each, "I pronounce you husband
and wife."
There was a tense moment of silence.
Gryphon stuck his hand out jauntily and said, "Say, thanks
awfully much!"
Seizing and shaking the proffered hand, Kei rejoined cheerily,
"Oh, think nothing of it, old boy -- you'd've done the same for me!"
"Well I did, didn't I?"
"Why yes, as a matter of fact, you did."
Most of the audience were either frozen in mortified silence,
breaking down into gales of laughter, or just confused. Captain Derek
Bacon, Commanding, WDF Tom Servo (MST-3000), collapsed in helpless
hilarity.
Kei, knowing when the joke had done its job, took Gryphon's
other hand, put it behind her neck, and kissed him tenderly.
The hilarity died and was replaced by applause and cheering.
"LET ALL OF US REJOICE!" Fahrvergnugen roared, and outside the
dome, the fireworks began.

The reception was the largest party Gryphon thought he had
seen since... well, since the victory celebration back in August, who
was he kidding? He leaned back against the long table in the corner
of the Main Hall of the SDF-23 and, a long flute of Tenctenese mineral
water in his hand, grinned broadly. There were far too many people
here, having far too good a time. It was almost unlawful-looking.
He heard a flutter of activity at the far end, by the ice
sculpture, and looked to see Martin Rose calling a small choir of
tuxedoed people to order. Wondering what was up with this, Gryphon
watched with interest as he tuned them up, then began to conduct them
as they sang, quite professionally, a time-honored hymn.

Now sing we, now rejoice!
With heart and soul and voice!
Lend an ear to what we say;
News! News!
Gryphon tied the knot with Kei--

Hammer whirled around, the cloak on his white-and-gold "dress
Darkwing" suit fluttering, and pointed at him accusingly with his
conductor's baton as the choir all shouted in unison,

AND IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME, TOO!

Hammer gave a sharp, "so there" kind of nod, and then bowed
and dismissed his choir as the entire room shattered in helpless
mirth.
When he recovered from breaking, and had received
congratulations from Hammer and Eiko, Gryphon returned to his place by
the table and surveyed the room again, looking for someone in
particular, someone he had noticed was present with rather keen
interest.
Specifically, he had noticed during the ceremony that Network
23 had sent Maria instead of their brightest star, Edison Carter, and
wondered why. Perhaps because weddings, even this one, weren't
Carter's thing; perhaps because they knew Maria had been with the
Wedge Defense Force throughout the Golden Age; perhaps she had asked
to be assigned to the job. Who knew? He sipped the water and scanned
the room for her.
There she was, by the great doors, talking to John Trussell.
Gryphon stood fully up and made his way across the room, pausing often
to shake proffered hands, tell enlisted personnel not to salute, and
thank people for congratulating him. It took him a good five minutes
to cross the room, and by the time he arrived, Truss was gone.
"Hello, Maria," he said, quietly.
The reporter -- tall, blonde and very beautiful -- started
slightly, as if surprised to see him here, and said, "Oh... hello."
"I'm glad you came," he said. "How've you been? It's been a
while."
Indeed it had. Gryphon hadn't seen her since... Goddess, what
year had it been? 2347? '48? He had been living on Earth at the
time, that was certain. Had just moved into his new apartment across
the hall from Deunan and Bri, so it would have been '48. She'd
discovered him by accident, having been sent to Olympus to do an
investigative piece on ESWAT, and hadn't turned him in.
"I'm... I'm all right," Maria replied, the faintest hint of an
accent still noticeable in her Standard. "The ceremony was beautiful.
A little short, though, I thought."
"Well, that's Kei and I for you. Always getting right to the
point."
Maria looked slightly pained at the statement, and said
softly, "I... I guess so."
Gryphon put his hand on her shoulder and said, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," she replied, too quickly. "I'm fine."
"You didn't want to come here, did you?" he said softly.
"Net23 assigned you this job over your head?"
"Well, yes and no," she said. "They assigned me, but I wanted
to come. I just... I didn't think I would be welcome."
"You? Not welcome? Maria, you're one of my oldest and
dearest friends! You've been with us since near enough the beginning
as to make no difference! You're the one who brought the WDF through
all the tragedies -- it was you who made the Golden Age golden, for us
and for just about everyone else! I'd no sooner turn you away than
Joe, or Rick, or ReRob, for that matter." His voice became softer as
he continued, "You believed in me during the dark times, and that puts
you in a very special elite...."
[AUTHOR'S NOTE: At this point, you may be thinking to
yourself, "Give me a break! I've read the Exile shorts -- everyone
and his DUCK believed in Gryphon. What the hell's going on here!"
I've recently been ruminating on this subject myself. Just keep this
in mind: there were, in the 2290 census (2 years after the Collapse of
the original WDF) _15 TRILLION_ sentient beings in the known galaxy.
Most of them believed it. Puts the whole thing in a different
perspective, doesn't it?]
She looked away from him. "That's why I was worried."
"What? Oh, you thought Kei would be upset? Maybe even a
little jealous? Don't be silly! She knows -- in fact, she was the
one who pointed it out to me -- that if not for people like you, and
Jamie, and Yuri, and Priss and Reika and Deunan and Bri, I wouldn't
_be_ here today. If nothing else, she feels she _owes_ you
something."
Maria looked at, and then blinked at, Gryphon, looking a
trifle confused.
"She's a very progressive woman," Gryphon said with a grin,
and kissed her gently. "Now come on, enjoy the party. Put that
camera down for a while, no one will bother it here."
"A-all right... just a second." She hefted the bulky
subethercam and said, "Control, disengage the camera lock. It'll be
safe here -- I'm going off duty."
"All right," a tinny voice replied. The wristlock around her
right wrist beeped and unlocked. Just before she set the camera down,
the voice of Control added, "Say hullo for me, would you?"
"I hear you, Control," Gryphon said to the camera with a
smile. "Hello."
Maria smiled her first smile of the evening and put the camera
down. "My new Controller, Theora Jones. She's the best. Edison is
so jealous."
"Edison -- oh, Edison _Carter_. I always think of _our_
Edison first... name association and all that."
"Oh, well, I still think of your Edison as 'E.E.', or even
Jelly.... He was my FC officer, remember."
"How could I forget?" Edison Bell had spent almost ten months
working undercover before they had contacted Maria and recruited her
to the WDF, way back in 1993, during those tense days before Earth
joined the United Galactica and the WDF had to do everything they did
on Earth in secret. "How is Carter these days? I keep missing his
show. Up to my _neck_ in work at the shipyards."
"He's fine," Maria replied as they walked further into the
room, toward the table with the beverages on it. "He wanted to come,
but he's working on a big expose. He thinks one of the Federation
Starfleet's captains sold out to GENOM and helped their fleet beat
Starfleet at Wolf 359."
"Wouldn't that be a kick in the pants," Gryphon remarked.
"Say, have you seen Murph lately?"
"Truss and I were just talking about her. She's fine -- she
wanted to be here too, but Murray has her on the big ExoSalusia
embezzlement scandal.... She can't get a decent Controller either. I
guess I'm lucky...."
She trailed off, sounding distracted, and Gryphon, glancing up
from the table, saw why: Kei had disengaged from a small knot of other
3WA consultants and was coming toward them. She looked, as she had
all evening, positively radiant, with the happiness she was feeling
supplementing that magnificent, healthy glow that seems to surround
pregnant women. Her pregnancy hadn't yet started to show (much to
Tricia Currier's relief, for she had designed the dress uniform Kei
was wearing), but neither thought it would be long.
"Hi," she said brightly, taking a flute of champagne (Dom
Perignon, 2340 -- an excellent year, not as good as '43, but then, you
can't find '43 any more) and giving Gryphon a quick kiss. "So you're
with Net23 now, huh? How've you been? I haven't seen you since the
breakup."
"I've, uh... I've been okay...." Maria looked distinctly
uncomfortable now, and glanced worriedly at Gryphon, who just smiled
and nodded.
Kei noted all this and became more serious. "I think maybe we
should talk," she said, and put down the glass. "Don't you?"
"I, uh...."
Ignoring her hesitation, Kei took her arm and led her out of
the Great Hall entirely, into a small O-deck nearby.
"You're worried that I'm going to be angry at you because of
what happened between you and Ben, right?"
"You... you know?"
"'Course I know. Ben and I have no secrets, it's healthier
that way for everybody concerned. Besides, why should I be mad? What
possible claim did _I_ have in those days?" Kei laughed. "Christ,
what a double standard that would be."
Despite herself, Maria laughed, slightly.
"There," said Kei, "that's better. Look, this is a
_celebration_! You're supposed to have a good time, not walk around
being nervous about ghosts. Look, here's the bottom line: I'm not
upset, I'm _grateful_."
"Uh?"
"Yeah! Hell yeah! It's 'cause of folks like you, who
believed in him and loved him even when I didn't, that kept him
_going_! I'm sure as hell not gonna be mad at you for being there
when he needed somebody. You know something else? I wouldn't be mad
if you still were." She paused, then grinned and said, "Well, maybe
_today_ is a bad day, but you get the general idea...."
"You wouldn't --"
"Nah. I know he still loves you. Now, I know, it was a long
time ago, you've both moved on, things change and it's probably not
gonna happen again, at least not for a while. But if it did, hey, who
am I to get in the way? Let me let you in on a little secret, Maria.
Ben doesn't love just one person. He _can't_ -- it's not the kind of
person he is. He loves me more than life itself, in a way he loves no
one else, but I'm sure as hell not the only person he loves. It's
just the way he's wired. Other people aren't a threat -- they're the
key."
"That... that's a very strange viewpoint to take," Maria said.
She smiled. "I can see why he said you were very progressive."
"Progressive? Hah! I just recognize the obvious. It's the
way he is, there's no sense getting all worked up about it. Know why
I called it a secret? 'Cause _he_ doesn't know it yet. In fact he'd
be shocked to hear me talk like this on our wedding day. He thinks we
just did it the oooold standard Terran way, exclusive and impractical.
Probably agonize himself half to death the first time he thinks he's
'strayed', until I talk him down. Won't THAT be a hoot." Kei
smirked. "Well. Now that I've utterly destroyed your concept of me,
let's get back to that party, huh?"
Maria laughed. "Sure."

Gryphon watched as they came back into the room, laughing
together at some private joke, and inwardly sighed in relief. It had
gone well, then. They separated with a wave and another almost
conspiratorial laugh, and Maria went to mingle.
Kei came up beside him and put her arm around his back,
squeezing him gently. "So. Enjoying the party?"
"Yeah. I take it you worked everything out?"
"Everything," Kei said, with a small, private grin. He made
as if to ask a question, but she forestalled it with a kiss, and then
another, and then leaned close and murmured, "Hey, I have an idea."
"Yeah?" he replied in the same tone of voice.
"Yeah," said Kei into his ear, pausing briefly to nibble at
the lobe. "Let's get the hell outta here."
"Not enjoying the party?" he said with a sardonic grin.
"Well, you know, we're not really married until...."
He stifled a sarcastic laugh at the utter absurdity of that
notion. "Okay... give me a couple minutes."
"Oh, all right," she said in a long-suffering tone. "Just
don't be _too_ long, or...."
"I don't think I want to know what comes after that 'or'. I
won't be long, I promise." He kissed her, then plunged into the
crowd, searching.
It didn't take long.
"Gryph!" Zoner called, holding up his glass. Gryphon grinned
and raised a hand, walking over to where he, Yuri, and ReRob had been
chatting. "Hey, enjoying yourself?"
"Yeah, but...." He glanced at his watch. "My time in the
light is short."
"Huh?" said Rob, as Yuri broke and Zoner arched an eyebrow.
"I have to go," Gryphon explained. "No need to break up the
party -- hell, nobody will even notice we left. Just... before I
went, I wanted to thank you guys for being there today. I can hardly
believe we're all back...."
"Hey," said Rob, "now don't go getting all emotional on us."
"Right," said Zoner. "Life still sucks, remember." He took a
sip of his unidentifiable, brightly-colored drink.
"Besides, you're coming to _ours_, right?" said Yuri with a
grin. Zoner choked, then reddened.
"Of course," said Gryphon, grinning back wickedly.
"_Somebody_'s gotta hog-tie Zoner and drag him to the altar."
Zoner merely coughed.
Yuri gave Gryphon a quick kiss and said softly, "Have fun."
"Do I detect a note of jealousy in your voice, milady?" said
Gryphon, deliberately incorrectly. "Patience! Christmas is coming."
"Huh?" ReRob repeated as Yuri broke again and Zoner barely
avoided a spit take.
"Maybe when you're older, Rob," said Yuri, squeezing Gryphon's
shoulder as he waved goodbye and melted back into the crowd. "Maybe
when you're older."
"Took you long enough," said Kei with mock petulance as he
emerged on the other side of the crowd. She took his hand and,
leaning close, said, "Now let's _go_ already."
He laughed. "Lead on, milady, lead on."
Just as they reached the grand doors, Gryphon felt a tap at
his shoulder. He paused and turned to see Maria smiling at him, and
then she kissed him.
"I'm leaving for Spica," she said by way of explanation.
"Won't see you again until my next vacation."
"Your next vacation? Does that mean you'll be visiting?"
"Of course! After all, the WDF is my family, and now that
you're back together again...."
"Given any thought to coming back to us?" Kei asked.
"Yes," Maria admitted, "but right now I have too many
responsibilities with '23... perhaps sometime soon, though. In the
meantime, Lightnin will make an excellent replacement for me, I
think." She smiled impishly. "Although, after so many years, the
thought of being WDF Morale Officer is very... I don't know, very
appealing. No one has called me 'Xuxa' since those days... well,
except you, Gryphon."
Gryphon grinned. "All part of the service, here in
wackyland," he said. "Take care of yourself, Xuxa. You know my email
address, right?"
"I can get it," she said with a smirk. "I _am_ a reporter."
"True. Be seeing you...."
"Bye, you two." She reached past Gryphon to touch Kei's
shoulder, almost q-style, and then she was gone.
Gryphon gave Kei a quizzical look, and she replied merely,
"Girl talk." Then her face became more serious (in fact, too serious
to be serious), and she said in a lower voice, "Now let's get outta
here."
Gryphon laughed again. Goddess. It was all so unreal.
The grand doors slammed behind them, and without them, the
party went on for another ten hours or so.
But then, for them, it did too, sort of.

[Jeff Yang]

Ummm...whatever happened to R.U.? It is NOT the same thing as Gallegos and
Tai's thing, and it NEVER got posted to the net, as far as I can see. If
I'm wrong, I don't know why; if I'm right, could you please repost it?
(And I'm not talking about the opening sequence.)

[I'm pretty sure it went out the first time... but just in case... -MZ]

RANMA UNIVERSITY

PROLOGUE, PART I

An Anime Apocrypha Production

by Jeff "So Where the Hell Is AKA AKANE CHAN Part Five" Yang

[EXTERIOR: The Outskirts of Tokyo, Night
A piercing howl cuts through the Tokyo night, startling a flock of small birds.
They flutter ominously across the moon, which is an eerie, blood-red hue: the
color of doom. And no wonder, for this is the grimmest of all seasons in
Japan...the end of juku time. Would-be college students have been cramming
for months, hoping to pack years worth of half-remembered knowledge into
feverishly tired brains.

Strangely, despite the lateness of the hour, the windows of houses up and
down this otherwise quiet street remain dark--almost as if their owners have
heard this noise before. Too often, maybe. Well, one neighbor sits up and
halfheartedly squeaks open a window.]

TIRED NEIGHBOR:
(rubbing the back of his head)
Eh, Tendou, this is the fourth night in a row...How do you expect us to sleep--

[From the direction of the howl, an explosion, which sends a somewhat
charred textbook soaring into the air. Flying across the dividing fence and
through the window, it ricochets off the head of the TIRED NEIGHBOR, who
slumps back into his bed, unconscious. ]

[CUT TO]

[EXTERIOR: TENDOU DOJOU]

[The respected walls of this fine old institution have seen massive structural
damage over the years; somehow, they still stand. Well, most of them: one
second floor window and surrounding wall seems to have been blown
outwards as if by the force of a giant fist. Pieces of mortar, brick, and wood
litter the garden below.

Slowly, a pair of faces peek out of the jagged hole left in the wall. In the
moonlight, they're shown to be those of AKANE TENDOU and her slightly
elder sister, NABIKI. AKANE has her right hand on her forehead, blocking
her embarrassed and annoyed expression. NABIKI is rolling her eyes.

In the two years since we've last seen them, AKANE has grown taller, and
fuller; she's a woman now, though of course one still in the very first blush
of full adulthood. Her hair is still cut short, but styled in a more fashionable
bob, rather than her previous schoolgirl coiff. NABIKI hasn't changed much,
except for her rather fetching tan; she's wearing a t-shirt that says "Aloha
from the Big Island!" over a screen-printed palm-tree logo.]

[INTERIOR: TENDOU DOJOU, WHAT'S LEFT OF RANMA SAOTOME'S
BEDROOM]

[RANMA SAOTOME, a white rising-sun headband strapped across his
forehead, is standing with his hands together and his arms extended, an
expression of guilt mixed with frustration passing across his face. He's also
matured a bit--his shoulders are broader, he's taller, and his arms are more
muscular, having lost their boyish slenderness.

Scattered around near his feet is a desk, or pieces of one. The air tingles with
the sharp electric tang of qi energy.]

NABIKI:
(sarcastically)
Gee, Ranma, can't you find a less violent way of relieving your stress?
Bathroom door stuck? "Shishi houkoudan"! Out of ramen in the pantry?
"Shishi houkoudan"! Have trouble with a practice test? "Shishi houkoudan."
It's a good thing the college exams start tomorrow, or we wouldn't have a
house left to live in.

[At the reminder that the exams are tomorrow, RANMA's eyes become the
size of cannonballs, and he splays the index and pinky finger of each hand. ]

RANMA:
(as if in pain)
Oooh....

AKANE:
(gathering some scattered, shredded test papers)
Ranma, you were doing just fine! Why've you been acting so berzerk lately?

RANMA:
(snapping out of it)
Hey, look who's talking! I wasn't the one who ripped the study guide in half
in a fit of rage, was I?

NABIKI:
That WAS impressive. I've seen phone books thinner than that guide.

AKANE:
(turning pink)
...

[Behind the three, the door slides open. Enter KASUMI TENDOU, carrying a
tray.]

KASUMI:
More coffee anyone?

[RANMA raises his hand, and AKANE slaps it down.]

AKANE:
How much coffee have you had anyway, Ranma?

RANMA:
(sheepishly)
Er....Two.

NABIKI:
Two cups? That's not so bad.

KASUMI:
(brightly)
Shall I just leave this pot next to the other two, Ranma, or should I take those
downstairs?

[AKANE stares at RANMA, her jaw slack. ]

AKANE:
No more coffee.

NABIKI:
Definitely no more coffee.

RANMA:
(desperately)
Well, what am I going to do? I've got--

(calculating quickly)

--Five hours left to study...

NABIKI:
Four hours. Better work on that math, Ranma.

[RANMA slumps to the ground. AKANE crouches down next to him and
pats him on the head.]

AKANE:
But you've been studying for months, haven't you? I mean, I only got
through half of the study guide--

NABIKI:
(holding up the bisected textbook)
The top half?

AKANE:
--but I'm feeling pretty confident. Let's see your notebook.

[AKANE picks up the bedraggled blue spiral lying next to RANMA's softly
weeping form. It's full of...doodled pictures. A pig with a big X drawn across it.
A panda being hit with a hammer by a stick-figure. A crudely rendered girl
with short hair, blacked-out teeth, crossed eyes, wearing a judo gi.]

AKANE:
(flames erupting behind her silhouetted form)
RANMA, YOU IDIOT!

[She punts him through the shattered wall and far into the night. ]

RANMA:
(fading into the darkness)
Just ki-i-i-dding...

[EXTERIOR: TOKYO NIGHT, THE ROOF OF NEKOHANTEN.]

[RANMA has landed half a mile away, on the roof of the noodle shop owned
by Shampoo and, formerly, her great-grandmother Cologne. Cologne is
currently in China with Happosai--in their old(er) age, they've reconciled and
are married, though Happosai, when seen these days, has a haunted look in
his eyes and more lumps on his head than usual for a senior citizen.

RANMA is upside down, on his head, his arms and legs crossed. He's pissed.]

RANMA:
After all these years, she still can't avoid acting like a stupid tomboy! Just
because SHE's prepared for the exams, doesn't mean she can lord it over me.
Why should I have to go to college anyway?

[He goes into FLASHBACK MODE...]

[INTERIOR: TENDOU DOJOU FAMILY ROOM.]

[SOUN TENDOU and GENMA SAOTOME are sitting at the table, staring
grimly at RANMA.]

GENMA:
Son, you're about to graduate from high school, and it's time to start thinking
about your adult responsibilities.

RANMA:
Pop, I already said I'll take out the trash.

SOUN:
That's not what your father means.

RANMA:
(magically produces a duster and apron)
Er...clean the practice room?

GENMA:
Nope.

RANMA:
(produces a scrubbing brush and scouring pad)
Scrape the rain gutters?

SOUN:
Nope.

RANMA:
(pulls a bucket out from behind his back, full of water and pond scum)
Dredge the fish pond?

GENMA:
Ranma, no more beating around the bush. We're getting old, Soun and I, and
we've agreed that we need to assure that there will be someone qualified to
follow in our footsteps after we're gone.

RANMA:
Pop. you're too ugly to die anytime soon.

SOUN:
Who said anything about dying? We're going to Hawaii to sponge off of
Nabiki's fiancee and future in-laws.

GENMA:
Yeah, who would have thought that that idiot principal would move to
Hawaii and start a successful hotel chain?

SOUN:
(weeping in joy)
Or that his son and my daughter would find happiness together.

RANMA:
(thinking to himself)
After all those years of chasing Akane and, uh, the "pony-tailed girl," he
finally falls for Nabiki. Who could have guessed? Then again, who else could
stand him?

(out loud)

So out with it then: what are you two plotting for me this time?

SOUN:
(leaping to his feet)
What else? In order to take over the world-famous Tendou Dojou--

GENMA:
(joining him)
And the internationally renowned Saotome School of Unrestricted Martial
Arts--

SOUN:
There's one thing you have to do first!

[RANMA has thrown himself back against the far wall, shaking and
chattering.]

RANMA:
(thinking)
Marry Akane!?!!

GENMA & SOUN:
(pointing simultaneously in his direction)
You must go to BUSINESS SCHOOL!

RANMA:
(eyes goggling)
Business school!!!!???!

GENMA:
Of course! Nabiki will be moving to Hawaii after she graduates, and she'll be
busy managing her personal fortune and investment portfolio. And Kasumi
will be going to Osaka to join her husband next year--so you're going to have
to learn how to manage a business!

SOUN:
After all, we don't want you to squander all we've worked so hard for.

[RANMA darts his eyes around the doujou, with all of its patched walls and
still-to-be patched holes.]

RANMA:
There's no way I'm going to go to college! I barely made it through high
school alive, you think I'm going to go through another four years?

GENMA:
Fine. Your other choice is to marry Akane right now.

SOUN:
That would only be right. After all, she'll be in school and will need you to
support her--

GENMA:
--Since WE'LL be living like emperors in Waikiki.

SOUN:
Then again, if YOU go to school, we'll support you for another four years.

GENMA:
You can get married afterwards, a combination graduation and wedding, heh
heh.

SOUN:
But first...you'll have to pass the exams.

GENMA:
You'd better get studying, son. You only have a few months. Think of it as...a
battle. Martial-arts test-taking--

[Clanging noise as RANMA tips the bucket full of pond scum onto GENMA's
head.]

RANMA:
If I'm gonna study it has to be quiet.

[GENMA, now a PANDA, grumfs a reply and waves a sign: GAMBATTE!]

[...END OF FLASHBACK.]

RANMA:
I CAN'T fail the exam. I've gotta find a way to study all of those notes Nabiki
put together for me...and fast!

[A SHADOW falls across RANMA's body. A very shapely shadow.]

SHAMPOO:
Hello, Ranma! Shampoo think you about to owe her BIG one.

[SHAMPOO waves a small bottle, clearly marked in Chinese: MAGIC
MEMORY MUSHROOMS. TAKE ONLY AS DIRECTED.]

RANMA:
(nonplussed)
...

[EYECATCH IN]

[A confident-looking RANMA-KUN hoists a huge stack of books above his
head, on top of which is seated a smiling AKANE, her legs crossed.]

[ADVERTISEMENT]

[RANMA SAOTOME is pushed into a spotlight by a large, panda-like paw.]

ANNOUNCER VO:
You're...different.

[RANMA points to himself, puzzled, with a "Who, me?" expression]

You've chosen a special kind of lifestyle, and you need to know that you've
got friends.

[RANMA looks around--wherever he is, it's completely dark, except for his
spotlight.]

VO:
Friends who know your needs.

Your challenges.

Your difficulty in fitting into a society that isn't ready for your way of life.

[RANMA begins to look suspicious.]

VO:
Here at ACA, we understand. And we're here. For you.

[The camera pans across a crowd of anime characters: RYUNNOSUKE from
Urusei Yatsura, UKYOU pounding TSUBASA with her spatula, the cast of
SAINT SEIYA standing around looking confused, and a whole bunch of
identical-looking shojou manga androgynes, holding flowers and glinting
prettily from their starlike eyes.]

VO:
Anime Crossdressers Anonymous.

[Freeze-frame on a furious-looking RANMA pounding PANDA into the air.]

Because no one wants to bear the burden alone.

[END OF ADVERTISEMENT]

[EYECATCH OUT]

[A splash of water from offscreen leaves a bedraggled and wet RANMA-
CHAN--no longer able to hold up the weight--torso deep in a pile of books,
with an irritated looking AKANE having fallen into her arms.]

RANMA UNIVERSITY

PROLOGUE: PART II

"Rain Man 1/2? Definitely...!"

[EXTERIOR: TOKYO NIGHT, THE ROOF OF NEKOHANTEN]

[RANMA SAOTOME, having been punched high into the air by an angry
AKANE TENDOU, has finally landed, and is now sitting crosslegged on the
roof of Nekohanten--the restaurant owned by SHAMPOO and COLOGNE.
Since COLOGNE has returned to China with HAPPOSAI and SHAMPOO'S
FATHER, the restaurant is closed, but SHAMPOO is still living there,
unwilling to leave Japan.

The reason is obvious.

So now stands SHAMPOO before him, her robustly sexy figure silhouetted
against the full moon. In her left hand is a small bottle full of odd-looking
mushrooms.]

RANMA:
(suspicious)
This isn't some kind of a trick, is it, Shampoo?

SHAMPOO:
Shampoo hurt! Only want to save Ranma from horrible fate--to marry Akane
Tendou. When has Shampoo ever trick dearest Ranma?

RANMA:
(not convinced)
Lessee...Mind-Control Fungus...

(mental image of Ranma uncontrollably hugging everyone in sight...except
Shampoo)

...Passion Spice...

(mental image of Ranma with big hearts in his eyes, instead of pupils)

...Red String of Fate...

(Ranma and Shampoo tied together by the pinkies with a red string...Ranma
looks zombified)

...Reverse Jewel...

(Shampoo sitting coyly on a bench as Ranma tries to muster up the will to tell
her he loves her.)

...Eternal Love Pill...

(Shampoo chasing Ranma on the beach, trying to force him to swallow a
weird, round object.)

...Yin-Yang Soup...

(It's Ranma times two!...one lusty, aggressive man and one shy, feminine
woman. Shampoo is trying to get the attention of the Male Ranma, but he's
running after every vaguely female being in sight).

...Dream Potion. Crazy Quilt. Chains of Devotion. Hypnosis Glasses....Am I
missing anything?

[SHAMPOO is sitting down, her arms crossed, a surly expression on her
face.]

SHAMPOO:
Shampoo think Ranma memory too good already. Maybe don't NEED
mushrooms.

[RANMA pauses, as if in midthought.]

RANMA:
Um...do they really work?

SHAMPOO:
Shampoo guarantee! Amazon village magic very strong. All girls use
mushroom to memorize rules of village, also special Amazon martial art
techniques.

RANMA:
(resigned)
Okay, okay, I believe you.

(narrowing his eyes)

So what do you want for the mushrooms, Shampoo?

SHAMPOO:
(turning away and closing her eyes in disdain)
Shampoo hurt! Shampoo only want to save Ranma from terrible fate.
Shampoo not *mercenary* girl.

RANMA:
(brightening)
Gee, Shampoo...that's swell of you.

(looks down at his feet)

I...I guess...I never realized how sweet you can be sometimes.

SHAMPOO:
(smiling almost too innocently)
That okay, Ranma. You find out now, then okay.

(she hands the bottle to Ranma and leaps into the air)

Besides, Shampoo know Ranma too much a gentleman to not give Shampoo
*celebration date* after he pass exam. Zai jian, Ranma!

[RANMA falls over, his arms extended, in the classic expression of shock.
Then, snapping upright with a dedicated expression on his face, he holds the
bottle up in the air, where it catches the moonlight.]

RANMA:
(defiantly)
I can't be worried about such things now...I have a battle to win!

[Behind RANMA appears the image of a giant curling tidal wave, crashing
against a reef. The tidal wave is made up of sheets of paper, each marked 100
PER CENT! in red.]

Ranma Saotome of the Saotome School of Unrestricted Martial Arts will
NOT be defeated by a mere college examination!

INTERIOR: TENDOU DOJO, RANMA'S BEDROOM

[RANMA is sitting on the tatami floor, his somewhat tattered books laid out
in concentric circles around him. The hole in the wall has been boarded up.
On the other, undamaged walls are signs saying SHH! STUDY ROOM! and
clocks counting down the few hours left before the exams. ]

RANMA:
Not a lot of time left.

I'm sure glad Pop agreed to give me this room to myself until the day of the
exams.

(super-deformed image of Panda being kicked out of the bedroom window to
land with a heavy splash in the Tendou pond. Ranma VO: "Baka! I'm tyring
to study!")

Okay, well, better begin...

[RANMA looks at the bottle, covered with illegible Chinese writing. Unable
to puzzle it out, he simply wrests off the cap and pulls out a mushroom. It's
withered and pink, like a piece of chewed gum. If it looks like anything, it
vaguely resembles a small brain. ]

RANMA:
How many of these should I take? Shampoo didn't say.

(pause)

I guess I need all the help I can get...

[RANMA tosses back the entire bottle into his mouth and begins to chew. His
eyes bug out and hair stands on end, as his face turns a vivid shade of purple.]

RANMA:
(thinking)
Aw...awful! Almost as bad as Akane's cooking!

(considers)

Well, nothing's *that* bad.

[RANMA puts one hand on either side of his head and begins massaging,
then aims his eyes over a textbook on Japanese History.]

RANMA:
Work, you stupid mushrooms, work!

[Suddenly, with a ringing, gong-like sound, RANMA's eyes glaze over and he
reaches out for the book. With the speed of a piece of office equipment, he
begins flipping through the pages, muttering softly to himself.]

[INTERIOR: TENDOU DOJO, RANMA'S BEDROOM, DAWN.]

[RANMA is kneeling bolt upright in the center of his room next to an
immense column of books, stacked up alphabetically and neatly. There's a tap
at the paper panels of the door.]

AKANE:
(behind the door)
Ranma, are you still asleep?

RANMA:
(in an odd, mechanical voice)
"....Sleep, nature's healing balm....To sleep, perchance to dream....We are such
things as dreams are made of...."

[AKANE slides back the door and goggles at the sight of RANMA and his
books.]

AKANE:
(concerned)
Ranma, did you stay up all night and study? How are--

RANMA:
(interrupting in the same voice)
"R: where R is the radius of a given circle, the area of that circle may be found
using the formula pi times r to the second power. This can also be described as
the integral of...."

[NABIKI pokes her suntanned head into the room, above AKANE's.]

NABIKI:
He's finally lost it, hasn't he.

(considers)

Still, sounds like he knows his stuff.

AKANE:
(suspicious)
There's something going on here. I wonder if.....hmm.

(slaps her fist into her palm)

Shampoo!

[There's a sudden CRASH as the hastily boarded up wall explodes inwards.
SHAMPOO roars into the room on her new motorbike, crashing into the pile
of books, which falls on RANMA.]

SHAMPOO:
Ni hao! Shampoo come to see if Ranma ready for test!

NABIKI:
I've always wondered, Shampoo, how is it that you're able to crash without
warning into any location, such as a second-story bedroom, while balancing
on a two-wheeled, flightless vehicle?

SHAMPOO:
(turning with an innocent look)
Ancient Chinese secret.

[She reaches down and grabs the hand that's sticking out of the heap of
literary debris, and pulls it and the body it's attached to out. RANMA still
looks glazed, and is still spouting pieces of useless, but literate, information.]

SHAMPOO:
Is Ranma smart now?

RANMA:
"Now the morning mist/settles across a land divided," said the poet Yoichi
Asagiri after the fall of the Masahira faction. It was then that the warring clans
took it into their hands to...

AKANE:
(grabbing his hand away angrily)
What have you done to him, Shampoo! He's making even less sense than
usual!

NABIKI walks over to RANMA and pulls one slack eyelid up.

NABIKI:
Anybody home? Ranma, can you hear me?

[RANMA looks at her without comprehension.]

NABIKI:
(curiously)
Ranma...do you know who I am?

RANMA:
(stares blankly for a few minutes, then drones out)
*SEARCH FAIL*.

[NABIKI, SHAMPOO, and AKANE's jaws drop in shock. NABIKI steps
backward and almost trips over a small bottle. Picking it up, she grabs a handy
Chinese-Japanese dictionary out of an unknown location in hyperspace and
translates its label.]

NABIKI:
....Magic Memory Mushrooms?

SHAMPOO:
Shampoo gave Ranma mushrooms to help him study. He eat, one, two, he
have no problem memorizing any book he need.

AKANE:
Did you TELL him how many to eat?

SHAMPOO:
Don't be silly! No one stupid enough to eat more than one or two Magic
Memory Mushroom. They taste like dropping of yak!

[NABIKI holds up the empty bottle.]

NABIKI:
Okay, well there's ONE person stupid enough....Anyway, as far as I can make
out from the label, eating more than two of these at a time has some bad side
effects.

AKANE:
(concerned)
L-like what?

NABIKI:
Well--

(an image of a BRAIN appears behind her as she's talking, with certain sectors
highlighted.)

--Normal humans only use about 10 per cent of our brains at any given time.
Some of us may use a little less.

(an image of RANMA'S BRAIN appears, with just 2 per cent highlighted.)

Anyway, taking one of these allows you to temporarily use *80* per cent of
your brain for memory storage.

(80 per cent of the brain image is highlighted)

But if you take too many, then 100 per cent of your brain is accessed as
memory storage.

AKANE:
What's wrong with that?

NABIKI:
Because not all of your brain is supposed to be used for storage. There's also
personality--

(the three notice RANMA's empty stare and continuous babbling)

--motor coordination--

(RANMA, released from AKANE's grip, collapses to the ground)

--and problem-solving skills.

(RANMA attempts to stack up the cluttered books, but unfortunately chooses
to try to stack them on vertically on their side. The pile collapses, and he tries
again, this time on their bindings.)

NABIKI:
As a result, Ranma has gone from being an idiot to being an idiot savant.

(she taps her chin thoughtfully)

Come to think of it, Ranma could be useful the next time Gambling King
comes around.

AKANE:
(giving Nabiki a nasty look)
So if he's 100 per cent memory now, how come he can't remember who you
are?

NABIKI:
Oh, sure, he remembers who "Nabiki" is. He just can't connect that with my
face--no problem-solving abilities, remember?

RANMA:
Memory access keyword "Nabiki": "Nabiki Tendou. Second eldest child of
Soun Tendou. Engaged to Tatewaki Kunou. Mercenary, loan-sharking,
grandmother-selling, insider-trading, check-kiting money-grubber. Ranma
Saotome cf. 'self' owes Nabiki Tendou nearly 250,000 yen, as deferred
payment for 100 pots of hot water tendered over a three-year period. Account
settlement pending negotiation..."

NABIKI:
Grandmother-selling? Just for that, I'm doubling the interest rate.

SHAMPOO:
Does Ranma remember Shampoo?

RANMA:
(pupils dilating)
"Shampoo": "Cute but manipulative female, willing to use any means to
trick Ranma Saotome cf. 'self' into domestic partnership. Should be
considered armed, dangerous, and as trustworthy as a wooden 100-yen coin."

[SHAMPOO's face falls like a souffle, and she looks on the verge of tears.]

NABIKI:
Hmm...How about "Akane"?

RANMA:
"Akane": "Akane Tendou, iinazuke of Ranma Saotome cf. 'self,' chosen by
parents without regard for self's personal wishes. Violent tomboy with a
quick and destructive temper..."

[AKANE pounds RANMA to the ground with her elbow. Some things never
change.]

RANMA
(in a broken voice)
"...Also see: "Love."

How many times in a row can three women be shocked? Well, I guess this
makes the third time. AKANE's face is bright red. SHAMPOO is bright red,
too, only with fury, not embarrassment.

AKANE:
(softly)
R-Ranma....

SHAMPOO:
(hotly)
Does Ranma care for Akane?

[RANMA nods robotically.]

SHAMPOO:
Well, then give Akane a KISS.

[SHAMPOO spreads open her arms, and RANMA moves toward her. ]

AKANE:
.....RANMA! What do you think--

SHAMPOO:
Ranma, no listen to that tricky Shampoo! She try to make you think SHE
Akane, instead of me. Give kiss now!

[RANMA puts his arms stiffly around SHAMPOO, who looks up into his
eyes.

They're empty.

It's like a cold, electric shock passes through SHAMPOO suddenly, as she
realizes what she's doing. She pushes him away, and throws her hands over
her face.]

SHAMPOO:
B-bie!

[SHAMPOO leaps out of the hole in the wall, crying.

AKANE is staring at RANMA still holding out his arms stiffly with
amazement. NABIKI uprights the abandoned motorbike and sits on it.]

NABIKI:
(looking in the handy dictionary)
"Bie" means "I won't" in Chinese. I guess, after all, she couldn't go through
with it.

(revving up the motorbike)

C'mon, sis, we'd better get you guys over to the test center. Hop on, and drag
that zombie over there with you.

[AKANE, still shaken, picks up RANMA and throws him over one shoulder,
then seats herself behind NABIKI, who guns the motor.]

AKANE:
Are you sure you know how to drive this thing? This IS the second story, you
know.

NABIKI:
Don't worry, I'll just aim for the ramp that Shampoo built on the side of the
building.

[AKANE rolls her eyes.]

[INTERIOR: TESTING CENTER, DAYTIME]

[RANMA and AKANE are writing away, RANMA with a blank look on his
face, AKANE with a kind of desperate one. The time ticks away, and away...

Hours later...

RANMA has a huge stack of filled-out answer booklets on his desk, while
AKANE and the rest of the students are still only halfway finished.

As RANMA finishes his 40th exam booklet, a shadowy figure appears in the
doorway, beckoning to RANMA, who is seated adjacent to the exit. He stands
and shambles into the corridor, following the figure.]

{INTERIOR: TENDOU DOJO, FAMILY ROOM, THE NEXT DAY]

[AKANE, NABIKI, KASUMI, and SOUN are sitting at the table. AKANE
looks nervous; SOUN looks even more nervous, his eyes tearing incessantly.]

SOUN:
My youngest daughter--have I taught her well enough? Will she pass the
examinations?

AKANE:
(patpatting Soun on the shoulder)
Don't worry, Dad, I think I did okay.

KASUMI:
(brightly)
How about Ranma-kun, Akane? Is he all right? He's been upstairs asleep all
day now...

AKANE:
Well, he turned in over 40 answer booklets, then walked out before anyone
could stop him...I'm not sure where he went...

[NABIKI is quietly counting out stacks of cash from a bag marked King Casino
& Nightclub.]

AKANE:
(her eyes narrowed)
--although I have my suspicions.

[Suddenly, there's the sound of the front door opening, and GENMA enters
the room.]

GENMA:
(jovially)
Ha ha ha! Congratulations, Akane!

[He hands her a bouquet of flowers.]

AKANE:
Wh-what?

GENMA:
You're now enrolled as a student in good standing at prestigious Saiki
University!

AKANE:
How do you know? We haven't even gotten our exam results back...

GENMA:
I have them.

[The TENDOUS are surprised.]

GENMA:
The dean of the university is an old friend of mine, you see. Akane, you did
fine.

NABIKI:
And Ranma?

GENMA:
Well, they say they've never seen results like his before. He turned in over
200 pages worth of answers--

SOUN:
That's good, no?

GENMA:
--all to the FIRST QUESTION.

[The TENDOUS fall over in shock and dismay.]

GENMA:
Apparently, Ranma transcribed an entire Calculus textbook into his answer
books...the exam graders were somewhat surprised.

NABIKI:
Does this mean that Ranma didn't pass?

GENMA:
No, he passed. The dean of the university--

SOUN:
--is an old friend of yours.

[They all sit and consider this for a moment. Then AKANE rises, grabs a
bucket of water and throws it onto GENMA, who transforms, as usual, into
PANDA.]

AKANE:
(furious)
I hope you know that Ranma has never worked harder at anything in his life.
And after all that, you pull a few strings, and he's IN, just like that.

(stomps upstairs)

Some "father"...

SOUN and PANDA look at each other.

SOUN:
I hear that Hawaii is very nice this time of year.

PANDA:
Growf.

[INTERIOR: TENDOU DOJO, RANMA'S ROOM]

[AKANE pulls back the door and peeks in. RANMA is dead asleep, his arms
and legs spreadeagled, and his mouth open, a thin trail of saliva running out
of it to one side.]

AKANE:
(thinking to herself)
He's...*cute* when he's asleep.

[She walks over to him and tucks the covers up to his neck.

Suddenly, his eyes open.]

RANMA:
(looking at Akane confusedly)
....Shampoo?

[The wall crashes in again, and SHAMPOO rides in on her motorbike.]

SHAMPOO:
Ni hao, Ranma!

AKANE:
What are you doing back here again?

SHAMPOO:
Ranma promise he go out on celebration date after exam! Result on board
now--he pass, so now he go out on date.

[RANMA sits up, shaking his head. He still looks a little glazed, but he'll
clearly come out of it in a few hours.

AKANE thinks for a second.]

AKANE:
Okay, Ranma, do you remember promising to go out on a celebration date
with Shampoo?

RANMA:
(his eyes glazing over again)
Answer: affirmative.

[SHAMPOO claps her hands with glee.]

AKANE:
Okay, then you'd better go now, right?

[RANMA nods and takes AKANE's arm, leading her out into the corridor.
SHAMPOO, enraged, follows. ]

SHAMPOO:
Where you going with her? You go on date with *me*!

AKANE:
Don't listen to that jealous tomboy, Ranma. Zai jian...*Akane*!

[SHAMPOO looks stunned. ]

SHAMPOO:
But that not fair. Ranma promise give ME date!

[AKANE turns to RANMA, still in memory mode.]

AKANE:
Well, Ranma, better give her a *date*.

RANMA:
(blinking)
September 25, 1992.

[For those not blessed with Hitoshi Doi's amazing degree of anime
knowledge, this is the date of the airing of the last episode of the Ranma
Nettouhen TV series...;-)]

[SHAMPOO stands in the hallway gaping, as AKANE and RANMA walk
down the stairs. RANMA shakes his head again--he's looking confused, but
definitely coming back to himself. And he notices that AKANE is holding his
hand...

This is not, of course, to last.

A Chinese-style mace flies suddenly and unerringly down the corridor to
strike RANMA in the head.]

SHAMPOO:
(shouting)
RANMA NO BAKA!!!

[Freeze on a tableau of RANMA, his eyes glazed again (for a totally different
reason) tumbling down the stairs, SHAMPOO standing with an enraged
expression in the hallway above, and AKANE looking at them both with a
tired, "some things *never* change" expression.]

END OF PROLOGUE!

AKANE:
(voiceover)
Next time on "Ranma University--Time for Change! The Story Continues"...

[over a shot of AKANE in white S.U. monogrammed sweater and navy blue
pleated skirt, and RANMA in an S.U. team warmup jacket and blue jeans--
both of them running toward the camera]

RANMA-KUN:
(voiceover)
"Arrival at Saiki....House-hunting hysteria!" And: "Nodoka cuts loose: A
sword in the hand....

[SFX: a splash of water]

RANMA-CHAN:
(voiceover)
"....Is worth two iinazuke?"