On Beards And Evolution
Professor Munyan
ON BEARDS AND EVOLUTION
I am an educator and an American.
As an educator, I fulfilled a dream two years ago by becoming principal of my
high school. Prior to that time, I taught American history for over twenty
years.
I taught with a passion for the patriotism and traditional American values that
made our country great. As a member of our local American Legion, I was also
the faculty sponsor for our Boys State Club.
I made damned sure that our members dressed and groomed themselves like clean
cut American boys. This meant no punk or hippie haircuts. No earrings, no
tattoos, and no beards.
Today, I want to talk about beards.
We have just embarked upon a new millenium, one whose beginning marks a
critical juncture in the evolution of human civilization. In order to
facilitate its progress, it behooves modern men today to abstain from the
wearing of beards.
I will grant three exceptions.
First, I will excuse our actors. Sometimes, an actor is called upon to portray
a historical figure who wore a beard.
I can relate to this personally. About ten years ago, I was offered the
opportunity to play the role of General Stonewall Jackson in a school play.
Normally, I would have considered it a dream come true to play a man like
Stonewall Jackson. But with deep regret, I had to turn it down.
It was early in life when I learned that my face was not cut out for the beard
I would have had to grow for the part. During a survival camping expedition
during my twenties, I went an entire week without shaving.
It was just about all I could stand. My face itched to high heaven until I was
able to seek the relief of a razor.
Second, I will excuse certain religious groups. The Amish, in particular, have
earned my highest admiration for their old fashioned morality and simple way of
life. They deserve a lot of credit. Other religious groups I deem worthy of
their beards are the Orthodox Jews and the Sikhs.
Finally, I will excuse the liberals. If they want to look like the washed up
over the hill hippies they truly are, then I won't stand in their way. At
least, they look the part.
On the other hand, any good conservatives out there who are still wearing
beards would be well advised to shave them off. Our cause can only be
strengthened with such a united front.
Otherwise, I see no other legitimate reason for any modern man in this day and
age to wear a beard. Any man who does so without just cause is obviously
suffering from a deep seated personal inadequacy.
If a man is truly content with his manhood, then why does he need to grow all
that excess hair?
What is he trying to hide?
I never cease to be amazed at all the male high school students I see who are
wearing beards. Misguided parents who allow this to go on are guilty of the
worst form of permissiveness.
These parents need to be teaching and modeling the true ways of manhood,
instead of inciting their sons to flaunt such false symbols thereof, under the
phony banners of freedom and self-expression.
Let me make it clear that the grooming standards I am promoting apply to the
twentieth century and beyond. Before then, we did not have the knowledge of
good grooming and personal hygiene that we have today.
Many Americans lived under very adverse frontier conditions. By necessity,
daily survival itself was more important than shaving.
Indeed, pre-twentieth century man was guided by a different set of priorities.
Most honorable was our noble quest to fulfill our divine mission of completing
our western expansion. Our mission of manifest destiny.
The many savage Indian tribes who were squatting on our land before we arrived
fought us every step of the way. Shaving was the least of our worries.
As Americans, we prevailed. God shone the light upon the glorious path which
led to the formation of the great nation we enjoy today.
God blesses American because God blessed America. It's that simple.
Therefore, I fault no man for wearing a beard prior to the twentieth century.
After all, many of our most famous Civil War generals wore beards.
Yet, I cannot help but wonder if the Confederacy might have survived if some of
Robert E. Lee's military blunders at the Battle of Gettysburg had been made
without the itchy distraction of his beard.
I also suspect that Abraham Lincoln's judgement was similarly clouded by his
beard when he conceived and put forth his Emancipation Proclamation.
It wasn't until the early part of the twentieth century when our armed forces
finally wised up. They adopted the practice of giving all recruits a decent
haircut, and a shave if necessary, on their first day of basic training.
They finally realized that they can more effectively tap into and train the
"inner man" into the fighting machine he was meant to become without a lot of
superfluous hair in the way.
History has shown us that military decisions are best made with a clear head.
Indeed, a clear head goes hand in hand with a clean shaven face and a decent
haircut.
For one of our earliest examples, the Roman warriors favored clean shaven
faces, in order to give their adversaries less area to grab hold and pull
during hand to hand encounters.
The Romans were also among the first to adopt the "high and tight" hairstyles
that most of our recruits wear with honor and pride in our military boot camps
today. It is most unfortunate that our Civil War heroes failed to follow their
example.
The twentieth century marked a major turning point in the history of grooming
habits of our leaders. The last U.S. president to wear a beard was Benjamin
Harrison, who served his term from 1889 to 1893.
Since then, not one of our presidents has ever sported a beard. Not one.
Indeed, the first sixty years of the twentieth century was a golden age of
grooming among men. Most men were clean cut and shaved on a regular basis.
Barber shops fluorished in practically every town and city in America.
Sadly, this glorious era was interrupted during the turbulent and ugly decade
of the sixties.
Perhaps, the first omen of what was to come took place when Richard Nixon
failed to give himself a proper shave before his televised debates with JFK in
1960. His five 'o clock shadows clearly did him in, as he looked like somebody
on a wanted poster instead of the dedicated communist fighter he truly was.
As a result of being duped by a more clean shaven and charismatic Kennedy, the
American electorate had to endure eight years of Democratic rule and all the
turmoil that it wrought.
Shortly after this fateful election, the Beatles came along with their mop
style hair cuts. Teenage boys everywhere began to forsake their Brylcream and
started growing their hair like the mangy sheepdogs their heroes emulated.
Popular American culture was just beginning its rapid descent into depravity.
The cancer grew even worse with the emergence of the hippies a few short years
later, with even longer, more unkempt hairstyles and beards. Their influence on
our American youth was devastating. Clean cut young men everywhere were
seduced into their ranks, taking up pot smoking, internalizing anti-American
ideas, and protesting our nation's gallant efforts to stop the spread of
communism in Southeast Asia.
Instead of listening to President Nixon and Vice-President Agnew, they began to
emulate the likes of Jerry Rubin, Abbie Hoffman, and scores of other radical
political agitators who were glorified to high heaven by our liberal news
media.
Rock stars with beards and long dirty stringy hair began to multiply like
cockroaches. Clean cut wholesome musicians like Lawrence Welk, Pat Boone, and
Slim Whitman became passe.
Something was wrong. Our nation was going to hell. The chaos and decline of
traditional moral values the hippies wrought was absolute proof that long hair
and beards were clearly inappropriate for modern twentieth century man.
Even the courageous victory of Mayor Daley's Chicago police force against the
hippie demonstrators at the 1968 Democratic National Convention failed to bring
us back to our senses. It wasn't until Ronald Reagan assumed the presidency
more than ten years later that much of our dignity and national pride began to
return.
Today, we are blessed with the knowledge that beards are unsanitary. The
excess hair of a beard on a man's face causes the underlying skin to secrete
oils at an accelerated rate, clogging up the pores of the skin.
These oils can lead to increased productions of harmful bacteria, resulting in
formations of acne and other skin problems. A beard does nothing more than
obstruct the surface area of the face, preventing it from getting the thorough
cleansing that it needs.
Common sense says that the cleaning of any type of surface is best achieved in
a succession of layers. For instance, consider the task of cleaning a floor
that is cluttered with dust balls.
One would not rush right in and mop the floor without first sweeping or
vacuuming all that dust. Doing so is just as senseless as trying to wash a
face that is cluttered with the stubbles of a beard.
One only needs to examine the face of a man who has just shaven off his beard
to see what I'm talking about. What you typically see is a pallid pasty skin
tone, populated by the presence of one or more unsightly pimples.
In addition to all the oil and bacteria they generate, beards prevent the
facial skin cells from receiving the amount of circulation and sunlight they
need. A bearded face is not a happy face.
Don't bring up Santa Claus. He doesn't exist. And even if he did, I would
never let him in my house anyway.
The scalp is different. It was designed for hair, and that is where it
belongs. God made it that way.
With the hard bony surface of the skull directly beneath, there are fewer
subcutaneous layers of skin where bacteria can grow. This is why pimples
hardly ever grow on the scalp.
I will say nothing derogatory about nose hairs. They play a vital role in
keeping bacteria and dust from entering one's respiratory system. Ear hair
also plays an important function in helping to filter out foreign bodies from
entering too deeply into the ear canal, thus serving to prevent harmful
infections.
Armpit hairs serve their purpose as well. They work in synchronocity with a
man's sweat glands in regulating his temperatures during times of physical
exertion and stress.
Unfortunately, evolution has yet to eliminate the unneeded armpit hairs of
women. They look a lot better without them, and they certainly don't need them
for their housework. A truly feminine woman in this day and age keeps her
armpits shaven.
Hair is good. As long as it is kept in the right places and at the right
length.
Finally, the most compelling reason for modern man to shun the wearing of
beards is to humbly cooperate with the evolutionary pattern of human
civilization which has been destined for us.
I herewith present a bioracial basis for this argument. But before I do, let
me make one thing perfectly clear.
Contrary to a lot of popular suspicion, I am not a white supremacist. Being a
Caucasian male, I do not consider myself to be a member of a superior race.
Instead, I believe this distinction may very well belong to the Mongoloid race,
which includes the various peoples of Asiatic descent. The Chinese and the
Japanese are our best known examples.
Marco Polo expressed this view in the year 1290 when he said: "The Chinese are
the wisest people in the world." It is no secret that Asians have generally
overwhelmed the other races in the academic arenas in our nation's public and
private schools and institutions of higher learning.
According to Professor Phillipe Rushton of the University of Western Ontario,
who is one of our leading scholars in the scientific investigation of racial
differences, there exist various indices of significant and striking Asiatic
superioity.
When compared to identical average measures for Caucasians, for example, Asians
have been generally shown to possess larger brains, more brain cells, and
higher average IQ scores.
They have also been shown to have higher marital stability, greater tendencies
to abide by the laws of their governments, and better mental health and
administrative capacities.
They also put us to shame when it comes to sexual restraint. As a whole, the
Asians display a significantly reduced proclivity to sexual promiscuity in
comparison to all other racial groups.
Indeed, comparative studies have shown that Asian males are, on the average,
the least "endowed" of all the racial groups.
If you don't think so, try watching some of their porno films sometime.
Another difference is that Asian males have fewer beards and beards of less
thickness than do males of other races. How often do you see a Chinaman with a
thick full length beard? My guess would be hardly ever.
There is a chef in one of our local Chinese restaurants who has worn a beard
for as long as I can remember. Although it has reached a considerable length,
it is of a very thin and wispy thickness and texture. Such is the case of
every beard I have ever seen worn by an Asian male.
The reason for the lower incidence of beards and reduced beard thickness among
Asian males is not entirely clear. One theory holds that the early Mongolian
people used to burn the faces of their young male children with heated metal,
in order to stop the growth of facial hair, sparing the lip areas for the
growth of mustaches.
The Egyptians also possessed an incredible revulsion for facial hair. Many of
them would depilate their entire bodies, pencil in their eyebrows, and wear
elaborate wigs made of human hair or wool.
All of this demonstrates that much of the wisdom of the ancients became lost
with the advent of later civilizations.
I shall now come to the final phase of my theory. For the past several years,
I have become personally interested in a body of research which points to the
possibility of the existence of extraterrestrial aliens.
I have read extensively the works of a number of noted scholars in this field.
Among them are Dr. John Mack, David Jacobs, Whitley Strieber, and Budd
Hopkins.
While reviewing the vast number of sketches that have been made of these alien
beings, whether you want to believe they're real, imagined, or intentionally
fabricated, one common denominator among them stands out.
Out of all these sketches, not one of them depicts an alien wearing a beard.
Not one.
I believe that there may very well be a connection between these alien beings
and the Mongolian race. A careful study of these sketches reveals that these
beings resemble the Mongolian race to a greater extent than the other races.
The most obvious similarity is that both tend to exhibit a sloping pattern to
their foreheads. More significantly, they both appear to exhibit a trait which
is clearly indigenous to the Mongolian race.
This trait is known as the "epicanthal fold." This is the biological trait
that accounts for the distinctive shape of the eyes that the Asiatic people
possess. This same trait also appears evident in many the alien sketches I
have studied.
Could it be that the Mongolian race is our closest genetic human link to these
extraterrestrial beings? I don't know. We are probably eons away from
finding out.
However, the physical similarities between the Mongolian race and the alien
sketches I have studied are certainly compelling enough to warrant further
investigation in this direction.
As stated earlier, members of the Mongolian race wear beards to a lesser
frequency and of lesser thickness than do males of any other race. If the
sketches of the extraterrestrial aliens I have seen are any indication, they
don't appear to wear beards at all.
In my considered opinion, these advanced beings are trying to send us a
message. That message is to shave off our beards.
In keeping with the spirit of the new millenium, I now join hands with my
extraterrestrial comrades by calling upon bearded men everywhere to surrender
to the will of evolution and shave them off.
Our cooperation will surely facilitate the evolutionary pattern that our
Creator, in His divine wisdom, has set in motion for the future course of human
civilization.
Arthur Claude Munyan, Sr.
Byron Canfield
news:20030927094056...@mb-m25.aol.com...
>
>
>
> ON BEARDS AND EVOLUTION
>
>
> I am an educator and an American.
>
remainder of silliness removed
----snip-----
Interesting satire. Hope you weren't serious. If you are, you have no
business being an educator. American? Perhaps, but your motives would appear
to be hidden even from yourself.
I do shave off my beard every morning. This is my choice, for two reasons: I
have patching holes in my beard growth and a recognize my own concentration
ability is hampered by the distraction of beard growth on my face. I do NOT,
however, make the absurd presumption that my reasons apply to everybody
else.
And your logic is supremely flawed. Men do not GROW beards -- the evolution
of the matter is that the beards (and hair on the top of the head) grow of
themselves; it is the shaving, thereof, that is the act of commission -- the
choice, not the reverse.
Your tirade smacks of the same fanaticism that is the root of most of the
problems currently on the planet. Those aliens have good reason for keeping
their distance.
--
"There are 10 kinds of people in the world:
those who understand binary numbers and those who don't."
-----------------------------
Byron "Barn" Canfield
James
> ON BEARDS AND EVOLUTION
>
>
The mad professor wrote:
'Armpit hairs serve their purpose as well. They work in
synchronocity with a
man's sweat glands in regulating his temperatures during times of
physical
exertion and stress.
Unfortunately, evolution has yet to eliminate the unneeded armpit
hairs of
women. They look a lot better without them, and they certainly don't
need them
for their housework. A truly feminine woman in this day and age keeps
her
armpits shaven'.
Why are womens armpit hairs un-needed? Dont women sweat? Or should
they shave their armpits just to please you? Maybe the professor
should try doing some housework without sweating.
What a moron.