Scene from 'Rudolph Downloads Christmas'
Jacob W. Haller
( SNOW MISER and HEAT MISER and their minions are fighting harmlessly.
All taunt and jeer each other. Their other brother, SODA MISER, looks
on in bemusement.
Suddenly the phone rings. All activity stops. The COLD MISER answers
the phone. )
COLD MISER: Hello? Oh, hello, Santa! Yes, Earthlink hired us to
provide tech support during the holiday season this year. I
think it was some kind of cost-saving thing.
( There's a pause as indistinct noises come from the other end of the
phone line. HEAT MISER makes a face at COLD MISER, who ignores him. )
COLD MISER: You're having trouble posting to alt.binaries.reindeer, you
say? Well, I'm afraid that that's a bit beyond my level of
expertise. I'll have to escalate you to level two support.
Please hold.
( He presses a button on the phone and looks around. )
HEAT MISER: Oh, no, don't you look at me. I'm not going to talk to that
digglety-doggelty do-gooder spirit of christmas. Did you
know that he sticks stuff to his monitor using magnets?
COLD MISER: Figures you wouldn't help out, you numbskull. How about
you, brother?
SODA MISER: I'm more of a hardware guy. But you could try our _other_
other brother; this sounds like it's right down his alley!
COLD MISER: Hey, great idea!
( COLD MISER picks up the phone and hits another couple of buttons.
A different phone rings, and the camera swivels to it being answered
by a large rectangular person who appears to be made out of Legos. He
makes a hissing noise that sounds remarkably like a modem attempting
to handshake, then breaks into song. As he sings, a bunch of small
clones of himself crowd around and accompany him. )
BANDWIDTH MISER: (singing)
I'm Mr. No Binaries,
I'm Mr. Text.
I'm Mr. Transistor.
I'm Mr. Slow Internet.
They call me Bandwidth Miser.
When I download,
Connection's always too slow!
It costs dough!
CHORUS: He's Mister No Binaries
He's Mister Text
He's Mister Transistor
He's Mister Slow Internet.
BANDWIDTH MISER:
Friends call me Bandwidth Miser.
When I download,
Connection's always too slow!
CHORUS: It costs dough!
BANDWIDTH MISER:
Yeah! I never want to see a .sig
That's over five lines long
I'd rather have it eighty, ninety,
one hundred bytes long!
(spoken)
Oh, you might have fast access, but I like my three hundred
baud modem just fine!
( He hangs up. The phone starts ringing again. )
BANDWIDTH MISER:
Well, I think it's time for my lunch break.
COLD MISER and HEAT MISER:
Me too.
(They all get up and leave as the phone continues to ring.)
-jwgh
--
"I don't advocate responding to rudeness with rudeness, but inducing
fear is always a good option."
-- Paula on alt.religion.kibology, 30 November 2003
Paula
wrote:
Can I get the video or a dancing snowman that sings the song at
Walmart?
--
Paula
Kibo: Then -- hey, wait, Mark, you're not Paula!
Mark: QOTD! Someone put this in their signature so I don't have to
get a signature.
Whosetitanelbow
berichtnieuws...news:1g6u296.crp130pclgcgN%yo...@jwgh.org:
<snip>
I wackyprased this as "Rupdolph: Downer Reindeer"
--
"So the gamers and the scammers say it's the fault of the critics who tried
to carve through the mumbo-jumbo in the first place." -- Josh Marshall