"Hell is Other Robots (1ACV09)" Episode Capsule Part Two
Jordan Eisenberg
% No introductory sequence this time; cut straight to the theme song.
% Madison Cube Garden is packed with eager Beastie Boys fans, awaiting
% their glimpse of the band's intergalactic tour. Fry, Bender and Leela
% are in the balcony's front row, and the evening's just begun. After
% Fry mentions that he's been waiting a thousand years to finally attend
% one of their concerts, and Bender shares some internally-made beer
% with his friends, the lights dim and the band is introduced: "Ladies
% and gentlemen, here to lay down some old, old, _incredibly_ old-school
% beats ... the Beastie Boys!!!" The spotlights focus on a man in an
% overcoat, who wheels out a tray containing the band-members' heads,
% preserved in jars. When the music begins, the heads are picked up by
% three dancing men draped in pitch-black, and they sing along to their
% own music.
Leela: [checking her wrist-pad] Impressive ... they're busting mad
rhymes with an 80% success-rate.
Bender: [thoughtfully] I believe that qualifies as "ill," at least
from a technical standpoint.
Fry: Will you guys shut up? I'm trying to look cool.
% Fry is standing alone in the aisle, dancing frantically. Back on
% stage, when Mike Diamond reaches the line in the song "Let the beat
% drop," the man carrying his head loses his grip, and Mike's head
% bounces into the audience. The audience members pass him back and
% forth, while he makes small talk to them and hypes the stadium's
% t-shirt sales. A new song begins.
Fry: Wow, an old-fashioned moshpit! C'mon, guys, we're gonna party
like it's 1999 ... again.
% Fry and Bender get up and start to repeatedly ram into each others'
% shoulders. Leela gets up as well, but when a few strangers ram into
% her, she gets defensive and knocks out everyone within a 3-foot radius
% with a 360-degree spin kick. Later on, they're back in their seats
% and Fry encourages their ochopella (sp?) rendition of "Mirage." When
% that's over, the band is wheeled back off-stage on its tray. One of
% the stadium's Fender-made amplifiers comes to life and wheels itself
% over to the crew's seat to greet Bender.
Fender: Hey, Bender!
Bender: Hey, Fender! Man, I haven't seen you since high school. You
still working at Jack-in-the-Box?
Fender: Not anymore, baby. _I'm_ with the band.
[Fender takes the crew backstage, where the band's heads are
being groomed.]
Fender: [to the band] Hey, fellas, hey ... I want you to meet my
friends, Bender, Fry and Leela.
Adam: You know, we're really not that interested in meeting them.
Fry: Wow, I love you guys! Back in the 20th century, I had all
five of your albums.
Mike: That was a thousand years ago! Now we got seven.
Fry: Cool. Can I borrow the new ones and a couple of blank tapes?
Fender: [whispering to Bender] Hey, Bender, why don't we ditch these
organ-sacks and hit the _real_ party?
Bender: Count me in. I'm gonna drink 'til I reboot!
% Fender takes Bender into a lonely hallway elsewhere in the building,
% through a few beaded doorways, into a dark, musky room inhabited by
% several dark and musky (and quite crummy-looking) robots. The robots
% are all plugged into a bubbling vase-like device in the center,
% periodically receiving jolts of electricity from it.
Bender: Hey, what kind of party _is_ this? There's no booze and only
one hooker.
Fender: Don't be a _drag_, man. We're jackin' on!
[Fender plugs himself in, and enjoys a jolt of pleasure.]
Fender: [offering a wire to Bender] Want a jolt?
Bender: [sheepishly] Uh, hey, I'm no square, but isn't that counter-
indicated by my operations manual?
[the other robots laugh]
Fender: Come on, Bender, grab a jack! I told these guys you were
cool.
Bender: Well ... if jacking on will make strangers think I'm cool ...
I'll do it!
% Bender is plugged in, and the shock instantly sends his facial
% features in a whirling frenzy. The frenzy calms, and the world around
% him fades into darkness, leading into several surreal fantasies that
% aren't worth trying to describe here. Before the colorful visuals and
% groovy music get the most of us, Fender unplugs his buddy, and back in
% the real world, Bender's face must calm itself on its own. Bender is
% warned not to get hooked on the stuff, but he's quite sure that he
% doesn't have to worry about having an addictive personality. He
% celebrates this assurance with a quick cigarette, a sip of beer, and
% another jolt of electricity.
% An indiscriminate length of time passes between that night and
% Bender's journey into one of the city's bad neighborhoods with Fry.
% Fry is hesitant, but follows Bender, who is walking cooly and wearing
% dark sunglasses to cover up the kaleidescope-colors in his eyes. Fry
% asks what they're doing there, but Bender yells "Shut up, square!"
% They reach a place called Sparky's Den, and Bender steps inside,
% telling Fry he'll just be there for a minute. Several hours pass, and
% Fry is still waiting patiently outside when Bender finally decides to
% join him. He walks right past Fry without saying a word, and
% collapses onto the pavement. Another robot, dressed as a minister,
% wheels by and observes his fallen brother.
Preacher: Wretched sinner unit! The path to Robot Heaven lies _here_,
in the Good Book 3.0.
[he holds up a floppy disk containing the Good Book]
Bender: Hey, do I preach to you when _you're_ lyin' stoned in the
gutter? No, so beat it!
[Preacher shakes his head and leaves]
Fry: Who was that guy?
Bender: Your mama. Now shut up and drag me to work.
% Fry follows Bender's orders and drags him down the sidewalk by the
% feet. Later, some of the crew (Zoidberg, Amy and Leela) are enduring
% another presentation by Hermes, this one concerning Planet Express'
% electric bill.
Hermes: Our electric bill is climbing faster than a green snake up a
sugarcane. Obviously, someone around here's been wasting a
whole heap o' juice. Probably ... you!
[he gestures to Zoidberg, who is offended; Fry and Bender
enter]
Amy: [cheerful] Good morning, Bender!
Bender: [angrily] None of your business! Get off my back!
[Bender dashes into the restroom]
Amy: What's his problem?
Leela: If I didn't know better, I'd almost think he was abusing
electricity.
Fry: Bender? No way.
[the lights dim for a moment]
Fry: I definitely would've noticed something.
[Leela knocks on the restroom door]
Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom?
Are you jacking on in there?
Bender: No! Don't come in!
Prof.: Good news, everyone! Today you'll be delivering a crate of
subpoenas to Sicily 8, the "Mob Planet."
[Bender exits the restroom]
Bender: Alright, let's get to work! ... I'll be out in a second.
% He dashes into the restroom once more. The Planet Express ship
% disappears into space, and we catch it once more on its return trip,
% where Bender is crouched in the back corner of the cockpit biting his
% nails, rather than at the dashboard with the other two.
Fry: I know Big Vinny _said_ he was giving me the "kiss of death,"
but I still think he was gay.
Leela: Did he use his tongue?
Fry: A little.
[Leela gives him a concerned look; pan over to Bender]
Fry: Are you okay, Bender?
Bender: None of your business ... get off my back!
Leela: [gesturing out the window] Uh-oh, there seems to be an
electrical disturbance in the Coalsak Nebula.
Bender: [excitedly] A _what_ kind of disturbance?
Leela: Electrical. Anyway, it's gonna take some careful piloting to
avoid it.
% As Leela focuses on the task at hand, Bender sneaks out the door. He
% breaks open the air lock in the back of the ship and climbs his way to
% the tail end, hugging the surface. Finally, he makes his way to the
% very back, and pushes with all his might until the tail bends in the
% opposite direction and the entire ship swerves towards the electric
% field. Leela worries that the ship's controls are useless, while the
% electricity does a number on Fry's hair and morphs it into a huge,
% orange disk. Bender cackles madly, and now stands like a hood
% ornament on the ship's front end. He taunts the entire universe and
% invites it to give him all the juice it's got! Seeing as how the ship
% is now completely immersed in lightening and blue smog, the universe
% barely has to lift a finger. Bender is struck by bolt after bolt of
% lightening and moans in ecstasy for a brief moment ... until
% everything below his torso turns to liquid and melds itself into the
% ship. "Oh, mama!" he mutters.
% Back to the safety of Planet Express. The ship is charred to a crisp,
% and Bender is still melted to the hood, with Amy struggling to pry him
% free using a jackhammer. She succeeds, and he slides to the floor
% with a clank, to meet the accusing eyes of his co-workers. Later on,
% he's been repaired to the best of their abilities, and is now
% receiving a heavy lecture from the rest of them at the table.
Leela: Bender, we didn't mind your drinking or your kleptomania or
your pornography ring.
Zoidberg: In fact, that's why we loved you.
Leela: But this electricity abuse crossed the line. You almost
killed us!
Fry: And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you. It's
just like when my friend Richie swore he wasn't taking
drugs, then he sold me my mom's VCR ... and then later I
found out he was taking drugs! You make me ashamed to be
your friend.
Bender: [sadly] Oh, you're right. I'm a lost cause.
% Bender leaves the room dejectedly and takes a walk once more to the
% bad part of town. He takes a good look at Sparky's Den (the lights
% inside blinking through its only window), and then across the street
% to the impressive architecture and warm, glowing lights of the Temple
% of Robotology. It dawns on him that "Maybe there's another way ... "
% and seconds later we see him on the roof of the Temple, wiring himself
% to its glowing sign, and receiving a refreshing jolt of energy. The
% sign blows a fuse and dims, and Bender cries out to the night: "What
% am I doing? What have I become?" He notices the Temple's skylight
% towards the back of the roof, and decides to take a look at the sermon
% being given inside. The robot preacher we saw earlier is at the
% podium, with a robot helper by his side. Bender leans further onto
% the skylight to watch.
Preacher: I see a lot of fancy robots here today, made of real shiny
metal. But that don't impress the Robot Devil, no, sir!
Helper: No, sir!
Preacher: 'Cause, if you're a sinner, he's gonna plug his infernal
modem in the wall, belching smoke and flame, and he's gonna
download you straight to Robot Hell.
Helper: Straight to hell!
Preacher: So, I ask ya, who will be stand up and be saved? Who?
_Who_?
% The skylight shatters under Bender's weight, and he falls inside,
% landing right below the podium on the altar, followed by a stream of
% broken glass. He raises his hand.
Bender: [weakly] Me ...
% End of Act One (8:54)
% Another meeting at Planet Express, bright and early. All are present,
% except for Bender. As Hermes and Zoidberg fight over the recent
% movement to remove all salt-water coolers from the office, Bender is
% heard outside the room, singing "Oh, What a Beautiful Morning!" He
% enters wearing a bow-tie and a cheery disposition.
Bender: Greetings, friends! Don't we all look nice today.
Fry: [sarcastically] Great, he's wacked out on electricity again.
Bender: No, I'm wacked out on _life_. [softly] I've found religion.
[everyone is speechless]
Fry: Religion? Is this another scam to get free yarmulkas?
Leela: Give him a break, Fry. If this helps Bender clean up his act,
then I think we should be supportive.
[everyone agrees]
Bender: Wonderful! Then you'll all come to my exceedingly long, un-
air-conditioned baptism ceremony?
% The room's enthusiasm dies down. Everyone is now hesitant to agree.
% Nevertheless, all are present at the ceremony later on, in the Temple
% of Robotology (among the other members of the congregation, who are
% all robots). Bender and the preacher are together on the altar.
Preacher: We are gathered here today to deliver Brother Bender
from the cold, steel grip of the Robot Devil unto the
cold, steel bosom of our congregation.
Churchgoer 1: Tell it, preacher!
Churchgoer 2: [expressionless] That equals true.
Preacher: [to Bender] Brother Bender, do you accept the
principals of Robotology, on pain of eternal damnation
in Robot Hell?
Bender: Yes, I do!
Preacher: Then I will now baptize you. Press any key to continue.
% A standard keyboard slides out from the Preacher's stomach, and Bender
% presses a key at random. He is lifted in the air by a claw, and
% lowered into a barrel of "High Viscosity Baptismal Oil" next to the
% altar. He is lifted back out, dried off, and placed next to the
% preacher. The preacher welds a metallic symbol onto Bender's chest
% (The symbol is shaped like a sideways "o-/\/\/\-o" and is also seen on
% various decorations in the church; please note that the symbol remains
% on Bender's chest for the rest of the episode, until otherwise noted),
% and at Bender's request, patches up a seam under his armpit. After
% the ceremony, Bender takes the crew out to eat at a fancy restaurant
% entitled "Elzar's Fine Cousine."
Leela: This is unbelievable. The _old_ Bender never would've taken
us out to dinner.
Bender: [takes Leela's hand] The old Bender's gone. He won't trouble
you anymore.
[the waiter approaches]
Waiter: Would monsoir care to see the wine list?
[Bender takes the list and shreds it to bits]
Bender: No poison for us, thanks. I'll stick with good old mineral
oil. [drinks a glass] Aah, functional!
[the crew are served dinner]
Hermes: Mon, I'm hungrier than a green snake in a sugarcane field!
Bender: [hastily] Friends, friends ... surely you're not going to eat
before we say Robot Grace!
[they all groan]
Bender: [praying] In the name of all that is good and logical, we
give thanks for the chemical energy we are about to absorb.
To quote the prophet Jerematic, "1-0-0-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0-1 ...
[a long amount of time passes]
... 0-0-1-0-1-1-0-0-1 - 2." Amen.
Fry: Does that mean we can eat now?
Bender: Yes. But, first, since I love you all so much, I'd like to
give everyone hugs. Come here, Fry!
% Fry resists, but Bender embraces him in his arms, and says with a
% drunken murmur in his voice that Fry is his friend. He offers for
% everyone else to line up for a hug too, but they simply crouch
% together in fear. Back at Planet Express, the crew discover Bender as
% he's nailing a symbol to the back of their ship, which looks like a
% Jesus-fish with the word "ROBOT" in the center.
Leela: What are you doing to my ship?
Bender: Sanctifying it!
[Leela grimaces]
Bender: There. That oughta' convert a few tailgaters.
[Bender leaves]
Fry: Bender's stupid religion is driving me nuts.
Leela: Amen.
Prof.: If only he had joined a mainstream religion like Oprahism or
Voodoo.
Fry: We've got to get the old Bender back.
Leela: And I think I know a way to do it. We have to reacquaint him
with a little thing called "sleaze."
% "Welcome to Atlantic City!" says the sign next to the ship's new
% parking space. Three crew members are unloaded and find their way
% into the town, the robot following the other two. He seems to have
% been fooled into thinking they are on a delivery mission (and marvels
% at why someone would have hired an interstellar spaceship to deliver a
% package to Atlantic City), and when he inquires as to what the
% delivery involves, his escorts complete the mission before his eyes by
% dropping a roll of breath mints from Fry's pocket into a public
% mailbox. Satisfied at another job well done, Bender heads towards the
% ship once more, "for an enjoyable evening of fasting and repentance,"
% but Leela and Fry offer him to stay in the city a while and take in
% some exotic dancing, the nearest facility being a seedy strip bar
% entitled "Power Strip."
Bender: [shocked] But those girls don't wear cases ... you can see
their bare circuits!
Fry: C'mon, it'll be fun. Maybe we could even drink a little
fortified wine!
Bender: What?! Drinking wine is a sin ... even if it _is_ deliciously
fortified.
Leela: [delivishly; gesturing at a woman] Hey, Bender, look at that
woman's purse! It's hanging by a spaghetti strand.
[Bender's eyes zoom out; he pushes them back in]
Bender: [chanting] Thou shalt not snatch!
Fry: [gestures elsewhere] And there's Hookerbot 5000. She's got a
heart of solid gold!
HB5K: [tempting] Hey, sailing unit!
Bender: Stop tempting me! For once in my life I have inner peace.
Fry: Pfft ... that's for losers. C'mon, sin your heart out.
Leela: Go nuts.
HB5K: Live a little.
[the woman with the purse walks up to Bender]
Woman: Could you hold my purse for a minute?
Fry: Go for it, Bender! You _know_ you wanna.
% Bender quivers anxiously for a few seconds ... loud music and skimpy
% female robots then steal the spotlight. In the center of it all is
% Bender, slurping down multiple liquor bottles, smoking three cigars at
% once, oogling the many exotic dancers on the stage around him, and
% showering them with handfuls of money from his newly acquired purse.
% Fry says to Leela from a booth by the wall that it looks like they've
% got the old Bender back, and Bender agrees for the most part. He
% takes care of one last obstacle by prying the Robotology symbol off
% from his chest and tossing it away. It lands in a bowl of dip, and as
% it becomes fully immersed, it beeps to itself, as if carrying out a
% set of instructions ... Later that night, Bender is in a hot tub in
% the irregularly shaped "Trump Trapezoid" hotel, accompanied by three
% other fembots.
Bender: You know, as a major Hollywood director, I'll be holding
auditions tonight for my next movie, and even though you're
all young and naive, I think you just might have what it
takes.
[the girls giggle; a knock on the door is heard]
Bender: [yelling out the door] Hey, I'm trying to score, here! Can't
you read the "DO NOT DISTURB" sign?
% Bender resentfully dons a towel and marches over to the door to open
% it. Behind the door is a flood of red light, and something that
% frightens Bender enough to make him drop the towel to the floor.
% Bender is paralyzed with fear, giving ample time for whatever it is t0
% extend a red pitch-fork into the room and clank Bender on the head
% with it, knocking him out cold. Bender turns bright red, the
% pitchfork turns bright red, and the room turns bright red. The bright
% red fades away, and what's left is a view of Bender finally coming
% into consciousness again. He is on a red platform surrounded by fire,
% and the Devil is on a platform just like it. The Devil greets his new
% companion, and gives it a warm welcome to Robot Hell. Bender lets out
% a nice, long scream.
% End of Act Two (6:17)
ROBOT
Jordan Eisenberg wrote in message
<19990707140245...@ngol06.aol.com>...
>Back at Planet Express, the crew discover Bender as he's nailing a symbol
to the back of their ship, which looks like a % Jesus-fish with the word
"ROBOT" in the center.<
KooL! That part totally cracked me up, along with the resistor symbol. I
think I'll make me one of those ROBOT Ichtus thingies and solder it to my
bicycle. -(I'm house-sitting and doing a subsitute paper route for a friend
from July 13 to Aug 2. I need to jazz up my wheels!*HeeHee*!)-
now playing: "Pocket Calculator" by KRAFTWERK
-(ps: KRAFTWERK is a denomination of ROBOTOLOGY. I've been a faithful
worshipper since 1978.)-
ROBOT
Bender's LoveDroid
ROBOSEXUAL and PROUD!!
~^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^~
=OHM SWEET OHM=
~^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^~
RO...@gyrogearloose.com
http://www.gyrogearloose.com/robot/ -(HomePage)-
ROBOT's Silly Sektor of CyberSpace
+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+
=K R A F T W E R K=K R A F T W E R K=K R A F T W E R K=
+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+^+