"A Fishful of Dollars (1ACV06)" Episode Capsule Part Two
JEdraw
% It's late at night in the Robot Arms apartment building, and Fry can't
% sleep. There's a constant squeaking noise eminating in the room,
% which becomes so irritating that Fry bursts up in bed with his hands
% over his ears.
Fry: [gasps] I ... can't ... take it anymore. They've been at it for
hours! [knocks on the wall] Give it a rest, you two!
% We pan over to the apartment next door. It's a small, nearly empty
% room occupied by two robots, whose torsoes are shaped like springs and
% are contracting and expanding, while their upper bodies bounce up and
% down. The robots are playing cards at a table. One robot reaches
% over to the shelf, grabs a can marked "oil," and pours some into his
% joints. He yells "Sorry!" through the wall.
% End of Act One (0:22)
% Back in his bed at night, Fry is fast asleep, and a dream sequence
% begins. He dreams he's sitting in a crowded classroom, and the
% teacher (an old woman) greets them.
Teacher: Good morning, class. I trust you've all prepared for today's
final exam.
Fry: [raising his hand] Uh, excuse me, I missed a few lectures.
What subject is this?
Teacher: [points to the chalkboard] Ancient Egyptian Algebra!
% The chalkboard, we see, is crammed with minute equations, including
% numers, letters, heiroglyphics and some nonsensical characters. Fry
% gasps "What a nightmare!" and the teacher points out to him that he's
% wearing nothing but his underwear. The class laughs.
Teacher: Young man, I think it's time you learned a lesson about
LightSpeed-brand Briefs.
% She uncurls an overhead map on the wall, but instead of a map it's a
% diagram of a pair of stylish red underwear. A smarmy announcer's
% voice and some cheesy rock music come out of nowhere, and he begins
% telling us about LightSpeed Briefs as if it were a commercial.
Announcer: LightSpeed fits today's active lifestyle, wheather you're
on the job or having fun. LightSpeed Briefs ... style and
comfort for the discriminating crotch!
% As he speaks, we're shown Fry reenacting the scenarious described,
% while wearing a pair of LightSpeeds. Then a final logo of the briefs
% is seen, and Fry sits up in bed screaming. He comments on the weird
% dream he just had, and about how he'll never get back to sleep. He
% does, though, almost instantly. The next morning, the crew are
% gathered around the table in the Planet Express TV room, and we join
% their conversation already in progress.
Fry: So, you're telling me they broadcast commercials into peoples'
dreams?
Leela: Of course!
Fry: But how is that possible?
Prof.: It's very simple. The ad gets into your brain, just like this
liquid gets into this egg.
% Farnsworth holds up an egg, and injects a needle (filled with yellow
% fluid) into it. That very second, the egg explodes, pelting everyone
% at the table with egg-yolk.
Prof.: [unphased] Although, in reality it's not liquid, but gamma
radiation.
Fry: That's awful. It's like brainwashing.
Leela: Didn't you have ads in the 20th century?
Fry: Well, sure, but not in our dreams. Only on TV and radio. And
in magazines. And movies. And at ball games ... on buses and
milk cartons and t-shirts and bananas and written on the sky
... but not in dreams. No siree.
Bender: Quit squawking, fleshwad. Nobody's _forcing_ you to buy
anything.
Amy: Yeah, I mean, we all had commercials in our dreams, but you
don't see us running out to buy brand-name merchandise at low,
low prices.
% Amy's comment leaves the crew pondering for a minute. They all burst
% out of their seats at once, and out of the room. Later, at the "Alien
% Overlord & Taylor" mall, some annoying violin music plays incessantly
% over the loudspeakers. They enter the mall and immediately start
% going their seperate ways. Amy and Bender are confronted by a lady
% holding a perfume bottle, which is "the latest fragrance from Calvin
% Clone."
% When Amy declines a free sample, the lady happily sprays her anyway,
% and Amy runs off cursing, with a pink cloud of perfume trailing along
% with her. The lady then moves on to Bender, and before he can even
% finish saying "no thanks," she puffs a big, smelly cloud at him.
% Bender looks at her in awe for a moment, then a little pipe with a
% nozzle at the end extends from his mouth and covers her from head to
% toe in oil. She coughs, and we cut over to Leela, who's being
% examined by a beauty consultant.
Woman: What a lovely face! We just need to draw attention _away_ from
the eye area.
% From behind Leela's head, we watch the woman apply some objects to
% Leela's face, and some electric sparks sizzle for a moment. When
% she's done, she raises up a mirror, and we both see that Leela's lips
% have now been outlined with a thick, white line. Leela groans.
% Meanwhile, Fry is examining an in-store display for LightSpeed briefs
% ("As Seen in Your Dreams") and carries a 3-pack over to the man at the
% counter.
Fry: Can I try these on before I buy them?
Man: I'm afraid I can't let you open the package, but you can try on
the demo pair.
% The man lifts up a beat-up, smelly pair of LightSpeeds from behind the
% counter (holding it at the end of a stick), and sprays it with an air-
% freshener. In a try-on booth, Fry (now undressed) slides on the demo
% pair and flexes his muscles for the mirror. Despite his actual
% appearance, the mirror depicts him with a heavy, muscular figure, and
% even depicts two fictional women in bikinis standing beside him. Fry
% is disappointed to see a small sticker in the corner of the mirror
% which says "OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE LESS ATTRACTIVE THAN THEY APPEAR."
% While Amy and Leela search through racks of clothes, Bender is in the
% nearby Robot Accessories department, shoplifting. He sneaks up on a
% display for "Mom's Old-Fashioned Robot Oil" wearing a light-green
% sweater, and stuffs as many cans as he can under it. With his sweater
% stretched and stuffed to the brim, he waddles over to where Amy and
% Leela are, and when Amy compliments his new sweater, he stutters
% uncomfortably, tries to act innocent, and waddles away. A small, red
% object that looks like a security camera floats overhead and follows
% him. Meanwhile, Fry is tapping his fingers at the counter while the
% man price-scans his package of LightSpeeds.
[price-scanner beeps]
Man: Thirty dollars, please.
Fry: [incredulous] Thirty dollars? I can't afford that. Unless ...
[looks inside his wallet] ... do you take VISA?
Man: VISA hasn't existed for 500 years.
Fry: American Express?
Man: 600 years.
Fry: Discover Card?
Man: [cheerful] Sorry, we don't take Discover.
[the rest of the gang walk over]
Amy: Hey, he's springing for LightSpeeds? Pretty ritzy.
Fry: Naw, I can't afford them. Bein' poor sucks. What kind of world
is this where they advertise things not everyone can afford?
Amy: Quiet, there's an ad coming on!
% They all look over at a grid of TV screens on the wall. All the
% screen displays are simultaneous, and we zoom in on one of them. It
% depicts an old woman sitting in her rocking chair by the fireplace.
% On the wall behind her is a picture of three young men. Some
% sickeningly sweet music plays and she addresses the audience with
% "Hello, shoppers, it's me, Mom" in a tender voice.
Fry: Who's the rocker jockey?
Amy: G'uh! It's Mom, the world's most huggable industrialist.
Mom: Call me old-fashioned, but when my robot starts to squeak
like an old screen door, well ... that's when I reach for
a can of Mom's Old-Fashioned Robot Oil. [holds up a can]
And, remember, Mom's Robot Oil is made with 10% more love
than the next leading brand.
Disclaimer: "Mom," "Love" and "Screen Door" are registered trademarks
of Mom-Corp.
% The ad ends, and Bender starts to struggle under the weight of the
% stolen merchandise in his shirt. A lot of squeaking and grinding
% comes from inside his sweater, and Fry comments that maybe Bender
% could use some of Mom's oil. A few cans fall out of the sweater and
% clunk onto the floor, a swarm of red security cameras (seen earlier)
% collects overhead, and two Peace Officers turn towards him.
Bender: [matter-of-factly] I'm boned.
Officer: Freeze, scuzz-bot!
Bender: Uh, there's obviously been some sort of a mistake here.
[More stuff falls out of his sweater, onto the floor.]
I'm sure there's ...
[more stuff falls]
I say, I'm _sure_ there's ...
[more]
That is, I'm sure there's a _very reasonable_ ...
[more]
% Bender is starting to attract the attention of other people. He's now
% standing knee-deep in a pile of stolen merchandise, his sweater still
% bloated, and the Peace Officers are looking at him sternly. The scene
% changes to the NNYPD building, where Fry, Leela and Amy are emptying
% their pockets for an officer. A pile of coins sits on the counter.
Amy: Do we have enough money to pay Bender's fine?
Fry: [counting] 78 ... 79 ... 79.50! Crud, we're 50 cents short.
Leela: [resentful] I'd love to chip in, but Bender stole my wallet.
% Fry looks out the window and sees the exterior of the "Big Apple
% Bank." He recognizes it as his old bank, and speculates that his
% account might still be open. So they visit the bank, and as Fry
% stands in line for the bank teller, he leans over to let a tiny camera
% zooms in and out on his eyeball. His two friends stand beside him.
% The teller (a woman) types at her computer.
Teller: Hmmm, we don't seem to have your retina scan, your fingerprint
_or_ your colonic map on file.
Fry: Well, I did open the account over a thousand years ago. What
about my ATM card?
[she dusts off an old ATM machine and plops it on the counter]
Teller: Do you still remember your PIN number?
Fry: [scanning his card] Sure. It's the price of a cheese pizza
and a large soda back where I used to work; Panucci's Pizza.
Teller: Okay! [reading her screen] You had a balance of 93 cents ...
Fry: [smarmy; to his friends] Alright!
Teller: And, at an average of 2.25% interest over a period of 1,000
years, that comes to ... 4.3 billion dollars.
% Fry stares. Fry has trouble breathing. Fry waters at the mouth, and
% he faints while his friends watch, concerned.
% End of Act Two (5:51)
% A banner is hung across the wall: "Congratulations, Fry!" The crew
% all give a toast to him. We're in their apartment in Robot Arms, the
% place is lavishly decorated, and Fry sits on the couch smoking a
% cigar, watching his friends mingle. As the end of the cigar starts to
% deteriorate, an ashtray with tiny, mechanical legs runs across the
% table and catches the ashes, then runs away again. Nibbler is sluring
% up his own glass of champaigne next to the couch. Bender and Leela
% talk to each other by the window, wearing fancy clothing.
Leela: I know Fry's rich, but do we really have to wear these top-
hats?
Bender: Maybe you don't understand just how rich he is. In fact, I
think I'd better put on a monocle.
% Bender reaches into his chest cavity and pulls one out, then puts it
% over one eye. He gestures at it, egging for Leela's response. The
% party scene quickly ends and it's the beginning of a music montage as
% we see all the things Fry spends his newly acquired wealth on. First,
% we travel to Le Spa, where Fry and Leela enjoy full-body massages, and
% a man in overalls gives Bender a buffing. Bender moans.
% Next, the three of them walk down a wall of paintings, including such
% masterpieces as the Screamer and Mona Lisa. They point to the Mona
% Lisa, and a man happily removes it from the wall for them. The
% painting is then loaded into a catapult and shot into the air so that
% our stars can shoot high-tech laser weapons at it, and it explodes
% midair in a thousand pieces.
% The montage ends at a small restaurant off the streets of NNYC,
% Original Cosmic Ray's Pizza. The crew sits in a booth by the window
% (clockwise from the window: Leela, Bender, Dr. Zoidberg, Fry,
% Professor Farnsworth, Amy), and a robot with a chefs' hat is
% approching them.
Fry: Pizza dinner on me! [they all cheer]
[business-like] Just keep the tab under 50 million
dollars.
Robot Chef: [brooklyn accent] Yo! [whistles] I haven't got all day.
What kind of pizza you'se guys want?
Fry: Uh, yeah, we'll have, uh ... one with everything but
anchovies and, uh, one with my all-time favorite topping,
anchovies!
Robot Chef: [rigidly] Invalid Selection. [loosely] Yo, whaddaya
talkin' about?
Fry: Anchovies! You know, those little, headless fish?
Robot Chef: [rigidly] Does not compute. Does not compute.
[his head explodes]
Prof.: I'm sorry, Fry, but the anchovy has been extinct since the
2200's.
Fry: [shocked] What!?
Prof.: Oh my, yes. Fished to death. Just about the time your
people arrived on Earth, wasn't it, Zoidberg?
Zoidberg: I'm not on trial here.
Fry: So, none of you have ever had anchovies? Oh man, you
don't know what you're missing. [dreamy] They were all
salty and oily and they melted in your mouth, and ...
Zoidberg: [uneasy] Stop! Stop! I admit it. [shamefully] My
people ate them all. We kept saying one more can't hurt
and then they were all gone. We're sorry!
Fry: [sighs] I just wish I could've showed you guys how great
they were. I may be rich, but I still can't buy back all
the things I miss from the 20th century.
Bender: Maybe you're forgetting just how rich you are.
% Bender puts his monocle back on, and gestures accordingly. A short
% scene follows in which Fry shakes hands with the owner of "Historic
% 20th Century Apartments," and the crew inspects his newly purchased
% living quarters. Leela stands by the fireplace, Amy examines the
% telephone, and Bender sits in an armchair looking at the TV.
Fry: So, whaddaya think?
Leela: I know you spent a lot of money on this place, Fry, but it's
awfully primitive. [stomps her foot] The floors are made of
such hard wood!
Bender: Hey, get a load of this pathetic 20th century TV.
Fry: What's wrong with it?
Bender: Well, aside from causing eye cancer, these things had a lousy,
low-definition picture.
Amy: That's true. One a TV like this I bet you couldn't even make
out my obscene tatoo.
% Amy rolls up her sleeve, and everyone leans over to read what's
% written on her arm. They all giggle, and Leela says it's cute, but
% all we can see on Amy's arm is a greyish blur. The scene changes yet
% again to the "Staadgi & Staadgi Auctioneers" building, where the
% auctioneer has just declared another sale. Fry (sitting in the crowd
% next to Leela and Bender) was apparently the highest bidder, and Leela
% leans over to whisper to him.
Leela: I just don't get it. Who was this "Ted Danson," and why would
you pay $10,000 for his skeleton?
Fry: I have an idea for a sitcom.
Bender: Ah, leave him alone, Leela. So he's going a little wacko with
his money ... that's okay.
Leela: _You're_ just saying that 'cause he bought you that antique
robot toy.
Bender: [giggles] Yeah, it is cute.
% Zoom out a little to show what's in Bender's lap. It's a "Rock 'Em
% Sock 'Em Robot" game, which Bender reaches down to play with. He gets
% his robot to punch the other one twice, and the opponent's head comes
% shooting off. Bender is horrified. Meanwhile, the auctioneer's
% assistant holds up a small, tin object for all to see.
Auctioneer: Now, our final item ... this unopened can of Angry
Norwegian-brand anchovies, circa 1997.
Fry: [happy] Anchovies?
Auctioneer: The last known can in existence, guaranteed fresh and
edible. Do I hear $10,000?
% Fry instantly bids $15,000. Another man bids $20,000, and a woman in
% the front row who appears to be the same species as Dr. Zoidberg bets
% $40,000. Fry raises the bid to $50,000. Leela tries to convince him
% not to blow his money on a can of old fish, but Fry retorts. Seconds
% before the bid is closed at Fry's offer, an old woman in the back bids
% $75,000. The crowd gasps and turns around, and the old woman turns
% out to be Mom, the world's most huggable industrialist, in person.
Leela: Oh my God, it's Mom! I've never seen her in person before.
Fry: [yelling to the auctioneer] One-hundred-thousand!
[crowd murmurs]
Leela: Fry, you can't bet against Mom, she's the richest, most
powerful person in the world! And she's _so_ adorable.
% Mom has the back corner of the auction hall fenced off with velvet
% rope. Three young men sit in three chairs behind her. She stands up
% to peek inside her purse and decides she can go as high as $300,000.
% The bidding alternates from there to $500,000 to $1 million to $2
% million to 6 to 14 ... Mom's voice remains sweet and tender for the
% most part, but whenever she yells out her number it becomes
% suspiciously raspy and ill-tempered.
Mom: I can see the nice young man really wants those little
fish. Nevertheless ... I'll bid 23 million.
Fry: [powerfully] One jillion dollars!
[crowd gasps]
Auctioneer: Sir, that's not a number.
[crowd gasps]
Fry: Oh, in that case ... 50 million.
[crowd gasps again]
Mom: [to the men behind her] Well, boys ... your old mother
knows when she's been beat. [to Fry] You win, young man.
I tip my bonnet to you.
% Everyone in the hall goes "Aww ... " and praises her class act. The
% auctioneer declares the sale: "Sold to the gentleman who bought every
% item in today's auction!" The crowd boos and Fry leers back at
% everyone from his seat. Later that day, Fry is sitting in his new
% apartment with the lights turned low. All of his recent purchases lie
% scattered about the room, and he pries the lid off of a crate full of
% VHS tapes. He inserts a tape into his VCR and sits down for some
% "good ol' 20th century TV." Although we can't see the screen, we hear
% some spaced-out banjo riffs, and the voice of an old man comes on.
Voice: Do you remember a time when chocolate chip cookies came fresh
from the oven? Petridge Farm remembers.
Fry: [dreamy] Oh, those were the days.
Voice: Do you remember a time when women couldn't vote and certain
folk weren't allowed on golf courses? Petridge Farm remembers.
% Leela knocks on the door and he invites her in. The TV goes off and
% the lights come on, and Bender enters the room behind Leela.
Leela: You haven't been to work in three days. What have you been
doing?
Fry: I've been sitting right here. I picked up my life exactly
where I left off 1,000 years ago. Now, if you'll excuse me,
it's 8:00. Time to get busy. [pronounced "bizzay"]
% Fry turns on the stereo next to him, and some rap music comes on. The
% words "I like big butts and I cannot lie; You other brothers can't
% deny" are heard from the song, but Leela quickly turns the music off
% and stands looming over Fry.
Leela: You can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical
music.
Fry: I could if you hadn't turned on the lights and shut off the
stereo.
Leela: Fry, this isn't healthy. You're living in the past.
Fry: I'm rich. I can live whenever I want.
Leela: But we're your friends, and we live _here_, in the year 3000.
Bender: Yeah. Now, are you gonna come to the squid fights with us or
sit here wallowing in your prehistoric junk?
Fry: Junk?! Maybe you can't understand this, but I've finally
found what I need to be happy, and it's not friends. It's
things.
Bender: [sadly] _I'm_ a thing ...
Fry: Just leave me alone.
% He opens the door for them both to leave. Leela tries once more to
% reason with him, but he slams the door in her face mid-sentence. She
% knocks once more to say that her ponytail is caught in the door, but
% Fry ignores her entirely.
Fry: [to himself] I don't need them. Not when I have my antique
videos, my bucket of fossilized KFC and 50 million dollars worth
of anchovies.
% Fry holds up the tin of anchovies and lays a big, wet kiss on it.
% Elsewhere in the city, there is an intimidating buliding labelled
% "Mom's Friendly Robot Company." Inside, Mom is being led by her three
% companions, named Larry, Walt and Igner, through two huge chamber
% doors (complete with security guards) into her office.
Mom: Mercy me, what a day! Could you shut the door, Igner, dear? I
think I feel a draft coming on.
% One of them runs over and shuts the door behind them. The other two
% give Mom some room, so she can stand upright. Once she does so,
% though, she begins a bit of a transformation. Her arms all of a
% sudden go completely limp, and we hear a zipper unzip. A woman much
% thinner and more agile than the Mom we know steps right out of an
% opening in the front of her body, leaving behind nothing but a large,
% hollow woman with no head.
Mom: Holy crap, that bastard's itchy! [snaps fingers] Walt, cream
soda!
Walt: Right away, mother. [turns around] Larry, get your mother a
cream soda.
Larry: But, Mom said ...
[Walt slaps him]
Walt: You heard me!
% Larry fetches a cream soda and hands it to the leaner, thinner Mom.
% For a moment, nothing happens as she drinks down her soda and paces
% back and forth. She empties the can, throws it on the floor, and
% stares cruelly out the tall office window while some cars zoom by.
Igner: What's wrong, Mommy?
Mom: It's those damned anchovies. That dirtbag, Fry, must know
their secret, and I won't rest until I get my hands on them.
No one messes with Mom!
% She finds this last statement of hers rather funny, and chuckles to
% herself. The chuckle becomes a laugh, and then an evil roar. Walt
% laughs along with her, and then her two other sons copy him, but then
% Walt stops laughing and slaps Larry across the face.
Walt: Quiet, you!
% End of Act Three (7:14)