[alt.fan.howard-stern] FAQ: Frequently Asked Questions about Howard Stern, Monthly Posting

[Nick Simicich]

Archive-name: howard-stern/faq

Howard Stern FAQ [Frequently Asked Questions]

Cleverly Stolen Howard Stern image The FAQ was HTMLized on 5 November
1995 by [1]Nick Simicich.[2][Blue Ribbon Campaign for Free Speech on
the Internet]



It was most recently updated on September 4, 1997. There are a number
of links which are not identified and cannot be followed unless you
are looking at the HTML version. Sorry. Time marches on. The document
was designed to be useful in text form, but it is slowly migrating
into becoming an HTML document.

The master for this FAQ is the HTMLized version. The current,
up-to-the-minute version of the faq can be fetched from
[3]http://scifi.squawk.com/howard.html and the version with hypertext
links can be fetched from there. If you are reading a text version of
this FAQ it was prepared by running the master of the FAQ through
_lynx -dump http://scifi.squawk.com/howard.html_. If you can, you
should read the htmlized version.

Dallas News! KEGL in Dallas has taken Howard off of the air. As Howard
put it, "We were fired ater Friday's show." Call the advertisers on
KEGL and tell them to pull their ads from the station, listen to the
competition, let the advertisers in other markets know that you
support their advertising on the Howard Stern Show! Only speculation
is that this was done to stop Howard from putting on a funeral.

Ft. Meyers/Naples, Florida: Welcome WRXK-FM, 96.1.

Charlotte, North Carolina, the _queen_ city, the 37th largest radio
market in the US, on WXRC-FM (95.7) radio.

Minneapolis-St. Paul, MN: Welcome WBOB-FM, Real Rock 100, 100.3. Used
to be Country.

San Diego, CA: Howard has moved to Rock 105.3.

Montreal/Toronto: Howard is international again. 97.7 CHOM in
Montreal, where he is carefully cultivating of the French speakers.

Louisville, Kentucky: Howard is on today on 100.5 - The Fox.

* Howard's current phone number ([4]F Tom) is (800) 44-STERN(78376)
- This is a National Toll-Free Line. NEW!
* (212) 246-KROCK (5762) - Request Line - new studio, new line. NEW!
* (212) 314-9322 - K-Rock Main Number - NEW!
* (212) 314-9340 - Stern Show Fax Number - NEW!

Please feel free to follow-up with comments or email them to
[5]n...@scifi.squawk.com.

_________________________________________________________________

This newsgroup was formed so that fans of Howard Stern can discuss the
happenings on the show, the comings and goings, and other activities
of Howard Stern. Some folks don't like Howard Stern. We know that. You
_don't_ have to take time out of your busy schedule to tell us that.
The answer here is the same as Howard's answer: If you don't like it,
turn the dial, switch bands, change the station, find another
newsgroup. In particular, we recognize that there are many tastes and
many other radio personalities. If you have a personality you really
like, do what I did with Howard: Start a fan group for them. Leave us
out of it.

Are you a new poster? Or an old poster who frequently gets flamed?
One-to-many communication on mailing lists or newsgroups is a lot
different from the sort of communication you are used to. I strongly
recommend the reading of [6]ftp://ds.internic.net/rfc/rfc1855.txt for
general guidelines about what and how to post.

_________________________________________________________________

Before posting to this group for the first time, please check the FAQ
list (this posting), and also read the newsgroup
news.announce.newusers, which contains many answers to questions about
usenet in general.

_________________________________________________________________

Newsgroups, by their nature, are open, and Howard Stern is a
controversial figure, so this newsgroup attracts flamage. If you are
interested in communication with fans only in a no-flames environment,
subscribe to the _stern-rules_ mailing list by sending e-mail to
[7]stern-rul...@scifi.squawk.com with the single word,
_subscribe_ in the body of the message. Flamage will not be tolerated.

_________________________________________________________________

Frequently asked questions about Howard Stern:

1. [8]Who is Howard Stern? (Frequently heard from NONUS folks -
people who live in the US have no more excuse for not having heard
of Howard than they have for not having heard of O.J. Simpson.)
2. [9]What station does Howard Stern's TV show play on in my area?
Or, I heard that Howard's show was cancelled. Is it true?
3. [10]No, I can't take it. I have to have Howard on my TV. Is there
any way?
4. [11]Where can Howard be received on the Radio?
5. [12]I'm not in any of those places. Is there a satellite feed for
WXRK?
6. [13]How can one be expected to figure out who is who among the
regulars on the show?
7. [14]How can you listen to someone who is as
racist/homophobic/anti-woman/etc. as Howard Stern?
8. [15]Is Howard Stern half Jewish?
9. [16]I want to write to Howard and tell him (what a dickhead | how
wonderful) he is. What is the address?
10. [17]How do I get a copy of "Crucified by the FCC"? I called
1-800-52-STERN, and they didn't have a clue.
11. [18]I don't get enough bababooey in the morning. I want my
computer to say 'bababooie' instead of beeping at me. I have a
Mac/Amiga/Soundblaster/NeXT box that can talk, and I want it to
talk.
12. [19]I can't believe it. Do people really strip naked in Howard's
studio, or is it a put on? Is it theatre of the mind, or is it
really happening?
13. [20]Why is is when Howard says mini-system in that ad, that
everyone responds (exaggerating mini-)?
14. [21]What about Howard's book? Is it any good? Can I get mine
signed?
15. [22]I'm looking for a BBS related to Howard Stern.
16. [23]What about all these other FAQs I see here?
17. [24]I think that the Daniel Carver stuff is hilarious. Does anyone
have his name and address?
18. [25]Was Howard Stern really running for Governor of New York?
19. [26]Is Howard on the Internet?
20. [27]Whatever happened to Jessica Hahn/Pat Cooper/Richard Simmons?
21. [28]Does Howard really have a small penis?
22. [29]I've seen a new Howard Stern album in the stores! Why isn't
Howard hyping it?
23. [30]What about Howard Stern's second book?
24. [31]What is the format of WXRK, Howard's flagship station, and
what kind of music does Howard like?
25. [32]Can I post to alt.fan.howard-stern by mail?
26. [33]How about Howard's new movie?
27. [34]What do people mean when they talk about 1-800-52-STERN? Is
this an in-joke?
28. [35]Is Howard being censored? Why are bits chopped out of the
show? What is the button?
29. [36]Mega-smega-dildoes? What does that mean? Why do people say
that when they call Howard?
30. [37]The show is almost 5 hours long. How do you record it?

_________________________________________________________________

Who is Howard Stern?

(Frequently heard from NONUS folks - people who live in the US have no
more excuse for not having heard of Howard than they have for not
having heard of O.J. Simpson.)

Howard Stern is a radio personality. He came to national attention in
the USA while working in New York, and currently resides there. He
also had a syndicated TV show, and an interview show on the[38] E
Network (a US Based cable channel), which was recently nominated for a
cable 'Ace' award. Currently, E carries a half hour edited version of
his radio program, but with pictures. His New Years Rotten Eve PPV
event (New Year's Eve 1993-New Year's Day 1994) was the highest
grossing non-sports PPV event ever recorded, although some reporters
are trying to rewrite that history..

He is frequently labeled a 'shock jock'. Your immediate thought might
be, "Oh, like xxxxxx (insert name of local shock jock in wherever you
are)." No, xxxxxx is like Howard Stern. Howard has been around for
years, he is well known, and chances are that this week xxxxxx is
doing whatever Howard was doing last week. If xxxxxx has the balls.
And more and more people, throughout the country, are finding this
out, as they watch his show, or listen to him in syndication.

Howard has made many TV appearances, including multiple appearances on
Jay Leno's Tonight Show, and The David Letterman Show, as well as a
smattering of the daytime talk shows. He currently has a [39]movie in
production, based on his best selling book [40]Private Parts, and has
written another book, [41]Howard Stern, Miss America.

_________________________________________________________________

What station does Howard Stern's TV show play on in my area? Or, I heard that
Howard's show was cancelled. Is it true?

Howard's original TV show was in reruns, and is now off of the air.
Depending on who you listen to, it was cancelled, or Howard quit. I
personally believe (and heard this version, once, on-the-air) that
[42]WWOR Channel 9 wanted Howard to do it for the same money he got
the prior year, and Howard wanted a bigger budget and more money.
Channel 9 folks decided that they couldn't give Howard more money
*and* make any money on the show, they wanted to cut the budget. So
Channel 9 executives wanted to put themselves in a good light by
claiming that they fired Howard and made such an announcement.

If you get the[43] E! Network on cable or satellite, you should now be
able to get Howard's edited radio show. TCI cable has just dropped E!
Call your cable operator and complain.
_________________________________________________________________

No, I can't take it. I have to have Howard on my TV. Is there any way?

No, other than the E! show, or swapping old videotapes. E! is on at
least one of the new 18" dish services, so if your cable company
doesn't carry E at night, you may be able to get his show that way.
Check on this yourself before spending $200 to get a dish, and IRD. As
of November 5th, 1995, you can no longer call 1-800-52-STERN and order
a copy of the backstage tape of the New Year's Rotten Eve PPV. They
tell you you've reached a 'Professional Ordering Service'.

_________________________________________________________________

Where can Howard be received on the Radio?

New York City, NY
Currently, he broadcasts, daily, from WXRK, K-Rock, 92.3 FM
from New York City. This signal is good enough to cover most of
New York City and the surrounding areas.

Philadelphia, PA
This signal is simulcast in Philadelphia (WYSP-FM, 94.1). This
was Howard's second station. No station web page, but the
[44]John Debella Show has a web site.

Baltimore, MD
In Baltimore Howard can be heard on WJFK-AM 1300.

Washington, DC
In Washington, DC (WJFK-FM, 106.7 FM, actually from Manassas,
VA, so the signal may not be good in the northern suburbs),
broadcasts the show.

Los Angeles, CA
In Los Angeles, the signal is simulcast from 3 AM - 6 AM and
then rebroadcast on tape delay when morning drive starts. The
LA times and frequency are: [45]97.1 FM KLSX from 3 to 6am
live, and then tape delayed from 6 to 11am.

Pittsburgh, PA
Howard's is on in Pittsburgh, PA, the X, [46]WXDX, 105.9.
Welcome Pittsburgh to the Howard Stern family. You no longer
need put up with bad Howard wannabees.

Las Vegas, NV
Howard is on is in Las Vegas on [47]KXTE, 107.5.

Cleveland, OH
Cleveland is now enlighened by Howard on [48]WNCX 98.5.

Reno, NV
Reno, Nevada can get Howard (if they ever dry out again) on
[49]KRZQ 96.5.

Dallas, TX
In Dallas, he was on _The Eagle - _[50]KEGL, 97.1. They kicked
him off while he was number one, supposedly because they can
make more money when they don't pay him. Refuse to pytronize
advertisers to the Howardless KEGL, and let the advertisers
know. There will be no funeral.

Chicago, IL
Chicago has the most complicated story. First, Howard was on
AM. Those scum wimped on Howard's contract and tried to use his
FCC troubles to get out of paying penalties. Then he was on FM.
These folks paid the contract penalties. Then he was on AM
(WJJD) for a few weeks, and now he seems to have settled into a
morning slot on WCKG-FM 105.9, with [51]Steve Dahl on in the
afternoons. This is, in my opinion, the best talk spot on the
Chicago radio dial. Note that WLUP (Howard's first AM Chicago
outlet) settled with the FCC and paid a reduced fine. As part
of the settlement, the FCC has agreed to issue specific
indecency guidelines. According to rumors, any settlement of
this sort may have been another violation of the contract they
signed with Infinity and Howard. Howard has more clearly
spelled this out: It was a violation of the contract that they
had with Howard. Firing him was fine, but there was a buyout
that they may have had to pay.

Albany, NY
In upstate New York, Howard is on [52]103.9 & 103.5 FM (Q104 -
WQBK) in Albany.

Rochester, NY
Further upstate, In Rochester, NY you can listen to Howard and
the gang on ([53]WNVE 95.1/95.5).

Syracuse, NY
In Syracuse, smega-dildo heads can turn their radio to
[54]WAQX, 96.7.

Memphis, TN
Memphis: Congratulations on your entry to the Howard Stern
listening family. WMPS 92.9 is now carrying the Howard Stern
Show.

York, PA
Howard Stern on in York, PA on [55]WQXA 105.7.

Austin, TX
In Austin, TX, Howard is on [56]KUTZ, 98.9.
[57]It looks like they will have a new URL soon.

Boston, MA
In Boston, Howard is on [58]104.1 WBCN. He has moved to
mornings.

Myrtle Beach, NC
Myrtle Beach [59](WYAV - 104.1) was graced with Howard's
presense, recently. Their [60]Howard Stern page is an excellent
resource.

San Jose, CA
Folks in the South San Francisco bay area can get Howard on
[61]KOME 98.5 in San Jose, mornings. He is doing quite well in
both of those markets.

Orlando, FL
Orlando, Florida listens to Howard Stern on "Real Radio"
([62]WTKS 104.1) (I'm goin to Disneyworld!) The folks at WTKS
say that their station reaches Cocoa Beach as well, And I've
heard it, a little scratchy, in Boca, so this gives you a solid
Howard Ride from somewhere north of Cocoa Beach to the Keys,
all down 95 and the turnpike - 104.1 -> 95.5 -> 105.9.

Miami, FL/Ft. Lauderdale, FL
And finally, the one that really matters to me, since I live in
Boca Raton now: [63]105.9 WBGG "Howard Stern in the morning,
70's rock all day" (see http://www.big106fm.com), which comes
booming in all through Miami, Ft. Lauderdale, as far south as
the Northern Keys, and as far north as West Palm Beach. I'd
also expect coverage in the nearer Bahama islands, such as
Bimini and Freeport, at least with a roof antenna. So now
Howard has two foreign markets: Mexico and The Bahamas. And,
most likely, Cuba.

West Palm Beach, Florida
95.5 WCLB - Outlaw Country. Currently Howard's only Country
outlet. Not sure about the call letters, as recently as
December 1995, this call was in use by a station in Boston -
but it can be heard all the way around the big O.

Panama City, FL
There is some chance that a true Howard fan would be stuck in
Panama City on a weekday morning. In that case, they could
entertain themselves by listening to WTBB, 97.7 FM.

San Diego, CA
San Diego: Tiajuana has stations which broadcast in English to
Southern California, specifically the San Diego area. San Diego
has stations that broadcast in Spanish. I don't get it.
Tiajuana's call sign used to be XTRA-FM (Mexican stations have
call signs that begin with X) at 91.1 on your dial. Howard
moved to [64]KIOZ-FM Rock 105.3 in late April or early May,
1997. This is a US station, and promises better coverage in the
San Diego area, since the transmitter location is a bit better.

Phoenix, AZ
Howard's 20th market is Phoenix, Arizona, where he can be heard
on [65]KEDJ/KHOT, on 106.3 or 100.3 depending on which side of
town you are on.

Fresno, CA
In Fresno, you don't have to be bored in the mornings.
[66]KFRR, 104.1 is a Howard Stern outlet.

Grand Rapids, MI
Grand Rapids, Michigan resitents, transients, and illegal
aliens can listen to Howard stern on [67]WKLQ, 94.5.

Hartford, CT
Hartford, Connecticut listens to Howard on [68]WCCC-AM, 1290,
and WCCC-FM 106.9.

Columbus, OH
Columbus Ohio can hear Howard on [69]The Blitz! - WBZX,-FM
99.7.

Toledo, OH
Saturday night in Toledo Ohio may be like being nowhere at all,
but on Weekday mornings, people in Toledo can listen on
[70]WBUZ, 106.5 FM and ignore the jokes about scales and Danny
Thomas.

Wilkes-Barre, PA
Working in the Coal mines? Listen to Howard on [71]WZMT, 97.9.

Norfolk, VA
In Norfolk, you used to be able pick up Howard's morning show
on [72]WKOC 93.7 but he is now off of the air. This is
important to the folks from Richmond, Virginia, who used to be
able to listen on WVGO. Howard was pushed off of the air there.
But in many parts of town, with the right roof antenna, you
could pick up Howard's show. Now Richmonders seem to have no
place to listen.

Detroit, MI
Howard anchors the morning spot on WYST-FM (97.1). Imus was
banished to AM by Howard's arrival.

Ft. Meyers, FL/Naples, FL
The Howard Stern can be heard in the sleepy
tourist/agricultural area in southwestern Florida on WRXK-FM,
96.1.

Charlotte, NC
In Charlotte, North Carolina, the _queen_ city, the 37th
largest radio market in the US, Howard can be heard on WXRC-FM
(95.7) radio.

Minneapolis-St. Paul, MN
If you are so cold you can see your breath on the fourth of
July, there is a good chance you can get Howard on WBOB-FM,
Real Rock 100, 100.3. Used to be Country.

Where Howard's show isn't.

Howard is not on shortwave unless someone is pirating his stuff. AM is
Medium Wave (MW) for you nonus folks.

[73]Realaudio: 91X had a Realaudio broadcast of Howard's program for a
few months, on and off. They no longer carry Howard on Realaudio.
Frankly, Howard has said that he doesn't want to be on the Internet.
It was also interesting that it was easy to get throuigh to 91X most
times of the day, and hard as heck to make and maintain a connection
during the Howard Stern show.

WWKB from Buffalo, NY (1520 AM) no longer carries Howard.They went
country. The whole show could have been picked up in Toronto, Canada,
on a car radio, so this cuts out Canadian fans.

Howard is no longer on WVGO, Richmond. Don't shop at Ukrops. Listen to
the Norfolk station with a roof antenna.

Howard is not on in Norfolk. The station there took him off claiming
financial reasons.

Howard is not on in Dallas. The station was bought by Nationwide
Insurance and they did not want to deal with the controversy that it
would cause them, so, even though Howard was #1 in a big market, they
didn't negotiate a contract renewal, and terminated Howard's show
early so as to damage his reputation, while making the financial
claims ("We are too stupid to sell Howard's show effectively! We can't
get the advertisers! We would make more money with some lame local
show!") and so forth. Howard has said that he does not see any
possibilities in Dallas for getting back on the air. Listen to KEGL
and don't buy from any sponsors who advertise there, (unless they
advertised on Howard's show while he was there, or they advertise on
Howard's show in some other market) and tell them that is why you gave
them a pass.

Howard claims that many more stations would carry him but for the
FCC's vendetta against him, and has specifically mentioned Jesse Helms
and Atlanta.

Howard was on in New Orleans, on station WEZB-FM, B97. He was moved
there from WRNO when both stations were acquired by the same company.
But then, in what was supposedly a purely financial move, Howard was
taken off of that station, so, for a while, there was no longer a New
Orleans Howard stern outlet.

The New Orleans Times Picayunne reported, about the middle of January,
that the Howard Stern Show will return. According to the paper, the
show will start on Monday, Jan. 20, on KKND-FM 106.7. This has
happened.

El Paso, Texas (KROD AM 600), no longer carries Howard, but no one
seems to care. The station was sold, the new owners didn't want
Howard. The last remaining market in Texas is Austin. The station
there has a really lame signal.

Why are stations taking Howard off of the air?

Some stations, such as Dallas, have taken Howard off of the air while
he was number one in the market, in his usual demographics. These
stations usually announce "We can't make money with Howard Stern!" But
how could that be?

In some cases, I suspect that the station owners are simply lieing.
Someone objects to the content of the show (frequently some pressure
from some churchist who has never listened to the show) and either the
pressure gets to the parent company, or the station owners themselves
start running scared. So they make up something to justify their move.
Since liars figure, the financial argument is easy to make - fake up a
financial model, put in whatever assumptions you want to fake up, and
you can prove that you can make more money without Howard than with
him.

Howard's show is not cheap. Rumor has it that it runs about
$200,000/yr for a medium/small market. Some management will look at
this and say, "Hmmmm....we could pay Howard $200,000, plus minimum
wage for an engineer to sit in the studio, plus whatever sattelite
costs and other overhead or we could fork over 2x minimum wage and do
a lame locally produced show." Of course, the ad revenues, ratings and
demographics will not be the same, but it seems possible that someone
would come to the conclusion that (lower revenues)-(lower costs) would
yield a better bottom line than (higher revenues)-(higher costs).

And, finally, I think that Howard has lost some affiliates because
they are simply second rate stations. You need some cash flow and some
sort of advertising revenue stream (or serious money to invest) to get
up and running with Howard. Even if he takes over the market in one or
two books, it may be another six months before the ad revenues catch
up, because, frankly, some advertisers are not interested in effective
ads if they cost more, and the word has to get out in a market that
ads on Howard's show are as effective as the demographics would
indicate, and that, even at twice the cost of other stations, the
response is high in proportion to the cost.

What else can you do?

There are folks around who record Howard's show every day. If you want
it bad enough, you'll get one of them to record it for you.

Finally, you may be able to get Howard on cable. Several of these
stations have satellite uplinks (including WXRK) and your cable
company may rebroadcast them on the FM band, perhaps at a different
frequency. I understand, for example, that in San Diego, Daniel's
Cablevision rebroadcasts the LA station that carries Howard at 98.5,
although this hardly matters now that Howard has an outlet down there.
Consult your cable company for information about hooking your FM
receiver to your cable.

For another station list including call-in numbers and so forth, check
out this url:
[74]http://members.aol.com/luusir/private/stations.htm or
[75]http://www.jackiejokeman.com/station1.html

Finally, if you are in a market that does get Howard, support those
advertisers! Go to visit their shops, buy there, and let them know
that you heard it on the Howard Stern Show. (Note that this does not
apply to [76]Jackie's CDs which are plugged all the damn time. F
Jackie!) Because if you don't let the advertisers know that Howard's
show is worth advertising on (at likely twice the cost of Neil and
Bob, the local morning show) then the station may not actually be able
to make a profit on the show, and they may have a legitimate reason
for not renewing.

_________________________________________________________________

I'm not in any of those places. Is there a satellite feed for WXRK?

No, not that can be picked up with consumer equipment. WXRK used to be
broadcast by SCPC on Hughes Galaxy 2 channel 03, at about 57.5,
according to Mark Geyman. WXRK's uplink is now in digital form, and
can't be received as SCPC anymore.

This is the best info I have about decoding Howard's satellite feed,
and is pure hearsay. I saw it on rec.video.satellite a couple of years
ago:

Well if you work at a radio station, and have an extra selector on
your sedat card your not using, you can pick up Stern on Satcom C5
Transponder 23 SEDAT channel 15. Stern airs from 6a to Noon I believe.
I've seen another posting saying that it is channel 14.

I have also heard that the company that makes these decoders will sell
one to anyone, and I've heard that it is not scrambled, just encoded,
so with the right $4000? $10000? decoder, and a dish, you can pick
Howard up. Ask on one of the satellite groups. There is some
difference of opinion as to whether you just need the decoder, or
whether you also need to pay WXRK for a key to their feed. I've heard
both on the net. Find out for sure before you invest. I've also heard
that you need a key, and that WXRK will not release the key, so you
are out of luck.

_________________________________________________________________

How can one be expected to figure out who is who among the regulars on the
show?

Listen for a while. Want to take a shortcut? Here is an effort to
explain:

Howard Stern
The head of the asylum. The ruler of the roost, the King on NY
Radio, and All Media, and other points.

Robin Quivers
Howard's sidekick. Officially his news reporter, she is also
the confidant and instigator in many cases, and also
(occasionally) feeds him lines from the privacy of her news
studio. She has a button on her console that she can push so
that her microphone is directly connected to Howard's
headphones, and she isn't heard by guests or listeners. Her
news reports normally consist of reading the paper, and a few
things that are put together by her interns, especially now
that [77]Tom Cheapasano has de-installed her news machine. None
the less, the news reports are frequently the most entertaining
part of the show, as Howard comments on everything. Robin
happens to be black. On Whoopi Goldberg's first live appearance
on the show, Whoopi looked at Robin, did a double take, and
mouthed so that she couldn't be heard on the air, "You're
Black!" Robin looked at herself, and nodded agreement. Whoopi
pointed at the microphone, and mouthed, "Do they know?"
Robin has a book out now, _Quivers: A Life_. Rumor has it that
it was "remaindered in place" which means that it should be
available at a substantial discount, if you can find it. But
whether you have to buy it at full price or get it at a
significant discount, but it and read it - it will give you an
insight into the woman that plays Robin Quivers on the air.

Fred Norris, King of Mars
Fred handles sound effects (paints) and also keeps the show on
schedule. When Howard started broadcasting in NY, frequently he
would just push off the commercials for an hour. Now that they
are syndicated, he has to take breaks at regular intervals.
Fred cracks the whip. He is on the writing team. Fred also does
voices for the occasional (these days) radio 'movie' and as the
Nazi in the 'Guess who's the Jew' bits. Fred also does song
parodies, and is a reasonably talented musician. He is now in a
band. Robin frequently reads extremely gory, tragic news
stories, and Fred will play a sound effect of [78]Jackie
laughing at the most tragic point.

Jackie The Jokeman Martling
Jackie is a comic who never quite made it big, notably because
his standup isn't very good IMHO. He writes full time for the
Howard Stern show, and makes a fair bit of money doing local
appearances as well, pushed by plugs from the show. One wonders
when he sleeps. Maybe during the show. I originally wrote this
quite a while back, and since then, I've thought about this a
bit. I still don't think Jackie is a very good stand-up
comedian, but I've gained new respect for him as a writer.
Jackie's main job, during the show, is not to take abuse, but
to write spontaneous jokes on a piece of paper with a sharpee
and pass them to Howard. He has incessant problems with his
fingernails and toenails. You may hear references to
'fingercots' or 'miniature rubbers on his fingers' in
connection with Jackie. A while back, it was announced that
this was because he uses medication for fingernail fungus on
his fingers which he holds in place with fingercots, which look
like miniature condoms, and are essentially independent latex
fingers from latex gloves with circular rims, like condoms, to
reinforce the open end. More recently, I've heard it announced
that it was because he is allergic to paper, and since he needs
to handle paper on the show (to throw at guests and pass notes
to Howard) he protects his fingers with fingercots. +1 516 922
WINE gets you a schedule of his upcoming appearances, and it is
a normal toll call (no 900 style surcharge) but has a few ads,
and a few jokes. There is more than 30 minutes of material on
the new all-digital line. He is also on the writing team, as
the head writer. Jackie gets two plugs a day, by contract, and
also, because of his contract, you didn't see his face on the E
show for a short while when E first started taping, although
this seems to have been long resolved. Jackie will sell you his
latest comedy album by phone. Call 1-800-323-KING. And, yes,
Jackie did take a dump in the Stanley Cup. His web pages can be
accessed at [79]http://jackiejokeman.com.
Jackie is also back to doing the page of jokes in [80]Penthouse
Magazine.
Timmy the Cat was Jackie's pet. Timmy escaped through what was
widely believed to be a door that was carelessly left open.
Timmy was never found again. The expression, "F--- Jackie, and
f--- the dead skull of Timmy the Cat!" comes from this
incident.

Gary (Baba Booey) Dell'Abate
The show's producer. He arranges guests, insures that the
office part of the show gets done, and so forth. For those of
you who've read Gulliver, he is also Howard's chief flapper -
he is generally the one who makes the judgment as to whether or
not someone speaks to Howard when they call up with a beef. He
is called Baba Booey after his mispronunciation of Baba Looey,
Quick Draw McGraw's sidekick on the Hanna-Barbera cartoon show.
He was buying animation cels, and didn't know how to pronounce
the name of the character, despite professing fandom. Gary does
occasional personal appearances, for which he gets plugs (but
not many any more, since he got married). Gary is married.
Despite predictions, some of them mine, he is still Baba Booey.
He was making noise about registering Bababooey as a trademark
recently. He is famous for the 'repeat after me' bit. These
days, he is also 'Fa-fa'fooey, ma-ma-monkey, sa-sa-smelley,
ra-ra-retard (which he hates) and so forth. He recently
fathered a baby booey, named Jackson.

John (Stuttering John) Melandez
Hero of the stupid. He was paid in notoriety [he is now getting
a salary for doing interviews] (he gets to plug his band
appearances and occasional personal appearances, and has gotten
a record contract because of his connections. John has been
signed by Atlantic Records, did a record which wasn't too bad
but wasn't so good as to break out). and is typically sent out
to interview celebrities. The questions are all prepared, but
sometimes he gets to adlib. John's record contract has produced
an album, which actually isn't that bad. You should be able to
pick up "Stuttering John" at your record store. If you want an
autographed copy, you can dial +1-201-942-OUCH. He is now a
paid employee - he has an airshift on WXRK, and gets paid for
his time interviewing and working on the show.

Scott the Engineer
Scott mixes tapes, inserts the bleeps so that you can still
hear the cursing in the background, and is hapless when it
comes to fixing the console. He is employed by WXRK as Chief
Engineer, and he is in the Union. He is making additional money
because he gets a daily plug, which he has used to build up a
DJ business/network. He has a number of DJ's who work for him
and provide canned music for parties, weddings ([81]Gary was
married and used Scott's service, Rocket Entertainment) and so
forth. This is good, because Scott smokes like a chimney and I
wouldn't want him at one of my parties. +1-718-BAG-5040. He is
bald, and smokes like he wants to die. Considering the amount
of harassment he gets from Howard, it is not suprising that he
wants to die. Fans pay Scott to show up so that they can make
fun of him.

Gorilla (Steve Grillo, but they call him Gorilla on the show)
Gorilla is an intern who wants to be a radio personality
someday, but who first needs to learn how to talk in English.
Listen for him in "Best Of" as Gunga Din. He also hunts, much
to Howard's amusement.

Robin's News Interns
We almost never hear about Robin's news interns.

Billy West
Billy West, the voice of Ren and Stimpy, used to do three days
a week on Howard's show, doing various voices. I believe, for
example, that he did Marge Shott (see the sound archive) and
did 'Red', and 'Evil Jay'. Billy added a lot to the show, but
rarely spoke as himself. When he did, he seemed to be funnier
than Jackie. His impression of Larry Fine at Woodstock is
classic.
At this point, Billy is history on the Howard Stern show. The
answer I've heard Howard give a caller was, "Billy walked in my
office one day, and told me he was going to California." I
think that the amount of voice work that Billy could get
finally exceeded the amount of money Billy got by working three
days a week on the Stern show, and that he thought he no longer
needed the exposure. Also, I suspect that there is a lot more
voice work in California than New York. Who knows how much
Billy had been flying recently. Billy did add a lot, but there
is plenty of show without him. You'll probably hear him on
"Best of Stern" someday.

Vic
[Obsolete] Stuttering Vic was a new character on the show. He
is of Indian (the subcontinent) ancestry, and has admitted on
the show that his mother has worn a dot on her head. Howard
appeared to be grooming Vic to take over John's interviewing
Job, but, IMHO, Vic didn't appear to get it. It also looks like
Vic has had his 15 minutes of fame - he hasn't been on the air
for quite a while. He was in a recent "Best Of".

Ralph Cirella
Ralph Cirella is Howard Stern's hairdresser, makeup man, and so
forth. He chooses clothes for Howard (or has done so in the
past) and generally follows him around. He is known for his
haplessness, long hair, the berry on his face, and for
generally being a loser. He has been fighting with [82]Gary and
[83]John lately. Ralph has failed, miserably, a lie detector
test which was supposed to see if he was gay.

Tom Chiusano (Cheapasano)
I think it is inevitable that Howard will attract a bad general
manager. Tom seems to never negotiate an operating budget for
the show which actually meets the needs of the show, and then
seems to argue about why simple things can't be done. Recent
incidents include, "The Sound System", "The Phone System",
"Robin's AP News Feed", and so forth. Tom is also blamed for
many of the 'finger on the button' incidents.

Crackhead Bob
Crackhead Bob is a guy who did some crack. He did a lot of
crack, and then he had a stroke. As is typical with some
stroke, victims, he has some communication difficulties. He
hlso has some cognitive disabilities - he can't really tell
time, and he can't repeat. He also makes a great anti-drug
spokesman, and you can book him by calling Gary. He is in
Howard's new [84]movie. And how fair can that be? If you don't
get Howard, think about this: Even Crackhead Bob gets it.

The Whack Pack
The 'Whack Pack' consists of Stern fans who (sometimes) hang
around together, occasionally get on the show, and so forth.
These include people like Fred the Elephant Boy, who has a
speech impediment, Captain Janks, who makes phony phone calls,
Celeste, who dragged one leg (rarely heard from anymore),
Siovhan (pronounced chivonne or [almost] chiffon) the
transvestite, who has quit crossing over and was squatting in a
New York City owned building, and is now rarely heard from,
Kenneth Keith Kallenbach (KKK), a loon who tried to blow smoke
from his eyes on the TV show, and so forth. Some of these folks
have tried to parlay their notoriety into careers: Janks has an
CD of phony phone calls out, Fred makes appearances with
wrestlers, KKK is trying to get a comedy career together, and
has done some pornos, and so forth. The Whack Pack is not as
popular as it once was, but we still hear from Fred and Janks
frequently.
There are some new fans on the scene, who get together in the
Prodigy chat rooms, perhaps hoping for a Howard appearance. One
of these is Uzo Candybabe, who thinks that Howard is her god
and that, at some level, all women are prostitutes. She has
made several on-air appearances, and is in the _[85]In Howard
We Trust_ video documentary about the San Francisco book
signing. She has a [86]web page which details some of her
exploits, including her cable show, tapes, and 900 number.

_________________________________________________________________

How can you listen to someone who is as racist/homophobic/anti-woman/etc. as
Howard Stern?

You just don't get it, do you? Howard is none of those things, in
spades: He is an equal opportunity denigrator. Sooner or later he will
kick one of your sacred cows in the balls, to mix metaphors in an
udderly improbable manner. But he is still very funny. Someone on this
newsgroup once said that a lot of Howard's humor comes from the sort
of attitude that says, "Look at all of this crap in the world around
us! Isn't it wierd? Isn't it funny? Sit in our circle and we'll let
you in on the joke." Well, some of us think that we get the joke.

_________________________________________________________________

Is Howard Stern half Jewish?

Definitely. The question is, what is the other half? We have to
differentiate between the persona that Howard plays on the radio, and
the real Howard.

According to Howard's radio persona, it is not Jewish, perhaps WASP.
The half-Jewish identity may be something that Howard puts on so that
he can insult both Christians and Jews with impunity. However, he is
equally free with insults of Muslims, Hindus, etc. It may also be
something that he does to avoid anti-semitism.

Some folks on the net believe that the other half is Italian, based on
something that Howard said a while back. Others point out that you can
be a Jewish Italian, so this may have been another joke. The Jewish
half and the Italian half may well be the same half.

It is pretty clear based on statements that Howard's sister made on
the radio that Howard, in Real Life(tm), is Jewish. Also, Howard has
recently admitted, on the air, that he is all Jewish, and claimed that
he was half Jewish to avoid anti-Semitism.

_________________________________________________________________

I want to write to Howard and tell him (what a dickhead | how wonderful) he
is. What is the address?

His old studio address is:
The Howard Stern Show
600 Madison Avenue
New York, NY 10022-1603

The new studio is at:
The Howard Stern Show
40 West 57th St.
14th Floor
New York, NY 10019-4002

* Howard's current phone number ([87]F Tom) is (800) 44-STERN(78376)
- This is a National Toll-Free Line. NEW!
* (212) 246-KROCK (5762) - Request Line - new studio, new line. NEW!
* (212) 314-9322 - K-Rock Main Number - NEW!
* (212) 314-9340 - Stern Show Fax Number - NEW!

Particularly vehement and stupid hate letters are likely to get read
on the air. Clueless ones well may earn a phone call.

_________________________________________________________________

How do I get a copy of "_Crucified by the FCC_"? Or any of Howard's other
products, like "_Butt Bongo Fiesta_"? I called 1-800-52-STERN, and they
didn't have a clue. I just heard about this on "Best of Stern".

They never had a clue, but at one time they could take orders for the
album, and a series of videos. The album hasn't been for sale for
quite a while. None of Howard's products have been on sale for quite a
while. They are now collector's items. This just goes to prove that
you should always buy every Howard Stern premium offered, immediately.
The 1-800-52-STERN was in use for Butt Bongo Fiesta, and was then in
use for for the backstage tape of New Year's Rotten Eve, but it is now
turned off. 1-800-52-STERN is being answered by a recording referring
you to a customer service line in the 512 area code for problems with
older orders.) (As of November 5, 1995, you don't even get that, just
a person who wants to know who you want to talk to.) And this has
become an [88]in joke.

_________________________________________________________________

I don't get enough bababooey in the morning. I want my computer to say
'bababooey' instead of beeping at me. I have a Mac/Amiga/Soundblaster/NeXT
box that can talk, and I want it to talk.

This (alt.fan.howard-stern) is not in the binaries hierarchy. Of
course, you can post anything you want. If various sysops notice that
this group has become a binaries group, they will treat it like one,
and those connected by phone line or concerned about disk space may
not carry it. As a hint: If your sysop does not carry the alt.binaries
tree, they are unlikely to carry this group if it begins carrying
binaries.

If you do want to post digitized soundbytes, please post them to
alt.binaries.howard-stern, alt.binaries.sounds.misc, or
alt.sex.sounds, as appropriate, and post here saying that you've done
so, and other things about the sounds, like maybe what the message ids
are or when you posted them, or how many parts. Anything seems to go
there. I've seen whole songs posted there in 41 parts.

To post sounds, send them here: [89]http://www2.liglobal.com/stern The
Howard Stern Show Sounds Page.
To post pics, send them here: [90]http://www.urshan.com/stern/, The
Unofficial Howard Stern Home Page.

If anyone knows of any other Howard Stern URL's, please email me at
[91]n...@scifi.squawk.com.

Some additional URL's:

[92]KOAM newsletter: http://www.koam.com/
(with pages for Tempestt, Janks, Ponce de la Phone & Kenneth
Keith)

[93]http://users.aol.com/luusir/private/myown.htm
BaBaBooey game.

[94]http://www.urshan.com/stern/
Unofficial Howard Home Page (Urshan).

[95]http://www.bababooey.com/monkey/stern.html
Michael's Multimedia Tribute to The Howard Stern Show.

[96]http://www.smu.edu/~mhays/howard/
The rest of Howard Stern (smu).

[97]http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/knipper/hstern.htm
Keith Knipschild's pictures.

[98]http://www.magicnet.net/freedom/enjoy/howard.html
Another Howard Stern links page.

[99]http://www.mv.com/ipusers/voyager/index.html
Another Howard Stern page (Dustin).

[100]http://www.uzo.com
Uzo Candybabe. The babe with her own domain.

[101]http://www.webcom.com/~inotes/tfnb.html
Fred Norris Band.

Also:

[102]http://pw1.netcom.com/~animaux/koam.html
The Complete Howard Stern Links.

_________________________________________________________________

I can't believe it. Do people really strip naked in Howard's studio, or is it
a put on? Is it theatre of the mind, or is it really happening?

This is a pretty silly question, eh? We've all seen the E! show by
now. But at one time, when people were mostly getting Howard on the
radio, this one came up all of the time. I don't know what people
expected.

According to Mark Levy, yes they do. And I have it on good authority
that Howard drinks Poland Spring water (Take that, Georgia!). (Note
that both of these items can be seen, somewhat edited, on the E!
show.)

Additionally, if you can get a copy of the New Year's Eve Pageant,
there was a fair amount of 'getting naked in the studio' footage
there.

I believe that some percentage of the folks who call in are bogus, but
they are putting Howard on at the same time they are putting us on.

_________________________________________________________________

Why is is when Howard says mini-system in that ad, that everyone responds
(exaggerating mini-).

A number of years ago, there was a comedian who regularly appeared on
the Howard Stern radio show called Crazy Jerry, who used to do
'impersonations' in a flat voice, the most famous of which is, "This
is Mother Theresa speaking from the bed. God don't want me yet, man, I
got more feet to taste." Crazy Jerry brought in a 'mentally
challenged' girl who had a speech impediment who used to do the 'gina
dance' (figure it out) and, when she quit appearing, brought in a guy
who did the 'peepee dance'. I suspect, from things alluded to by
Howard, that he has agreed not to replay any of those shows, since he
was convinced that the girl, especially, didn't really want to do this
stuff, but was convinced by Jerry although she wasn't competent to
make the decision.

The mini-skirt, gina dance, peepee dance, and "I love you, Jerry," all
came from this response stuff that was done between Crazy Jerry and
his sidekicks.

(Note that this is my memory talking. There is another version of this
story in another faq which the author claims to have tape backup for,
so they are likely right. I still like my version better. Here is the
other version, verbatim:)

Q. What do you know about Gina (rhymes with Carolina) Girl?
A. In late 1988 this woman called up Howard saying she loves him and
she does the 'Gina dance. Howard sensed quickly that this woman was a
little "off" and he asked her if so- she said she's not retarded, just
"slow". She came down to the studio with Crazy Jerry, who was not her
boyfriend but more of a companion. Well she did the Gina dance, laying
down naked on the floor, but almost no one really saw it - Howard and
even Jackie averted their eyes because she was too heavy to be
appealing. About that time Rain Man had been a hit movie, so Howard
called up Gina Girl again and got her to say some lines for his new
radio movie "China Girl," starring out of the closet Stern. It was in
this movie that she uttered the words made famous, "mini-dress"
(usually at the same time as saying "naked dance") Howard was trying
to fix up Steve Rossi and Gina Gina Girl but I don't think it ever
happened.

I have this all on tape and that's why I can give you this detail.

I understand that the writer, Paul Richards, now has a new address,
Radio...@aol.com.

_________________________________________________________________

What about Howard's first book? Is it any good? Can I get mine signed?

Yes, Howard Stern has a book out, called "Howard Stern's Private
Parts". IMHO, and in the opinion of a number of reviewers, it is
actually a worthwhile piece of literature. When I first wrote this, it
was completing its second week as #1 on the New York Times best seller
list, entering the list at #1. Howard says that he wrote it, but he
freely gives credit to a collaborator (an essay about this appears in
the book) and to his editor (who moved into his house). There is no
doubt that this is a collective effort and I believe that, unlike some
celebrity books, Howard did a significant amount of work on the book
personally, using the professionals to help him plan and polish. I
believe that it was a successful effort as well.

The above was written quite a while ago. Howard has published his
[103]new book which is now available in paperback.

For the first book, there were a number of book signings. It looks
like there will be no more for the hardback (but there were some for
the paperback, but those have come to an end as well). Howard
attracted a record number of people to his Wall Street, NY signing
(where I got mine signed, and was on FOX 5 news that night having it
signed), and signed a record number of books, the previous record
being held by Mohammed Ali, the boxer. (But see [104]Howard's new book
for a new record.) The problem was that the crowd was too hard to
manage (according to the police), and the police wouldn't let him sign
for as long as he needed to. It sounds like a new record was set in
LA: 8000 books.

Personally, if I hadn't had mine signed, I'd mail it to the show, with
a pleading letter, and a check for $25 (since that was what he offered
a signature to the paraplegic from Cleveland for) as well as a
self-addressed, postage paid mailer. At best, they will sign it and
send it back, and at worst they will keep it (which is what they
threatened to do when they still thought that they could have
managable book signings) and you'll have to buy another copy.

Howard has put out a paperback version of the first book, with 64 new
pages (but only 4-5 pages of new writing), and two different covers.
The signings were events not to be missed, if you were anywhere in the
area. Take the day off, take the day before off, plan on camping in
line, bring a plastic bag for your book. These paperback signings seem
to have stopped, but there is always hope that there will be another
one.

[105]Movie rights have been sold, and a movie is in the can. The
screen play went through (six?) rewrites and the original planned
director, John Avildson, has quit. Howard has finally accepted a
script. He has said that he will be leaving at 10 sharp during the
filming, so when he is filming, you'll be able to tell.

Do not confuse this with the paperback book titled Howard Stern, Big
Mouth, by Jeff Menell. Make up your own mind, but IMHO, this isn't
worth wasting your money on.

_________________________________________________________________

I'm looking for a BBS related to Howard Stern.

Get over it. This is the Internet. What do you need a BBS for?

_________________________________________________________________

What about all these other FAQs I see here?

I think they are a great idea. More power to them. Between all of the
FAQs, we'll get the Stern info to the masses. :-) If any other FAQ
owners want to cross post to the answers group, I'll restructure this
one so that it goes in a subdir and there is room for everyone. (This
has been done. There is room for everyone. It isn't that hard to make
your FAQ into a first class FAQ. Read the news.answers faq for how to
crosspost there and to have your faq stored on rtfm.mit.edu.) The most
notable of these is the UFAQ (Unauthorized FAQ is an oxymoron, as no
one authorizes a FAQ). There are also a number of FAQ collections on
the WEB. Follow the links above to find them.

_________________________________________________________________

I think that the Daniel Carver stuff is hilarious. Does anyone have his name
and address?

The Daniel Carver KKK stuff is a hoot. I want to hear the KKK line on
a weekly basis so that I can laugh my ass off. Also, I want to write
to Daniel Carver so that I can enourage him to appear on Howard more!

It takes all kinds. The hotline number is said to be (404) 967-3479. I
called the number and it didn't answer. Write Daniel at P.O. Box 446,
Oakwood, GA 30566.

_________________________________________________________________

Was Howard Stern really running for Governor of New York?

Well, Howard Stern was nominated by the Libertarian Party of New York
as its candidate for Governor. He had announced a reason for running,
and a platform. The Libertarians are a serious party. They are
considered the third largest national party, and, as a general
political philosophy, believe that any coercion by government, except
in very limited circumstances, is immoral.

However, it has been reported that Howard's lawyer has testified that
Howard is doing this only as a publicity stunt, and furthermore,
Howard himself has said that he will never comply with the financial
disclosure requirements of the NYS Election laws. This means that he
could never be a candidate, or that if he does run, he might be guilty
of a crime, and might be prosecuted for it. Draw your own conclusions.

[As of August 4th, 1994, Howard withdrew as a candidate for Governor
of New York. The apparent reason was that he did not want to comply
with the financial disclosure laws.]

Following his withdrawal, he endorsed the Republican candidate for
Governor of New York, George Pataki, who, shortly thereafter,
proceeded to come from well behind in the polls, and who has won the
election. The results indicated that in demographic groups which
listen to Howard, in Howard's listening areas, last minute shifts from
'undecided' to 'Pataki' occurred.

_________________________________________________________________

Is Howard on the Internet?

Various rumors of various WXRK staff being on various on-line services
have surfaced from time to time. Robin is said to be on Compu$erv, and
Gary was/is on Prodigy. Howard has a lot of interaction with IBM. He
runs Windows 95 on his laptop, and Lotus Notes. It is pretty well
known that Howard reads the newsgroup, and also a mailing list or two.
These are gatewayed into Lotus Notes by a gateway program, probably
from IBM, so that he can replicate when he is at home, and read
whenever he wants to.

His comments about the newsgroup were that it was pretty much the same
sort of idiots who call in to his show. He also asked us not to fax
him about his definition of the Internet (which was slightly better
than his usual mutilation of computer terms. Howard may finally be
starting to become computer literate). He has several systems, a home
network, and so forth.

His personal networking is not internet style networking, and yes, his
computer's phone number, which accidentally went out over the air in
touch-tone format, has been changed.

We keep hoping that Howard will actually respond on one of the mailing
lists. If he did, no one would believe he did it. Maybe he already
does?

Also, it is pretty clear that he used to use OS/2 on his
[106]ThinkPad, since used to occasionally hear the standard OS/2
shutdown sounds in the background. These days, he uses [107]Windows
95. On June 13, 1996, Howard announced that he had articles from
alt.fan.howard-stern converted to [108]Lotus Notes messages by Jeff
Schick of IBM. So if you write it here, he _may _read it. Be
interesting, use complete sentences, spell correctly, get to the point
quickly, and use a meaningful subject.

And don't be stupid, you moron. If I were Howard, I wouldn't waste my
time reading things that were directed specifically at me. If he is
reading this, it is to read stuff written by fans from or to each
other, reactions to what he doing or stuff like that. Don't use the
newsgroup to send your personal messages to Howard - if that happens
and the list fills with personal messages to Howard, it will become as
boring as Howard's dinnertable conversations with the couples that he
and Alison were supposed to be going out with.

_________________________________________________________________

Whatever happened to Jessica Hahn/Pat Cooper/Richard Simmons?

Howard is feuding with them, or they are feuding with Howard.

Jessica Hahn first achieved notoriety as the rape victim of Jim Bakker
(a TV Evangelist, who was jailed for financial irregularities in his
ministry). Howard called her up while she was hiding in her trailer in
Long Island, got her in touch with some 'people' who made a deal with
Playboy for big bucks, and got her a life. For a while, Jessica had a
career because of this incident, her Playboy exposure, and because she
was on the Howard Stern Show all of the time, mostly the latter.
Jessica promised to be on the New Year's Rotten Eve PPV. Her boyfriend
made her not being on the show a condition of continuing their
relationship. Jessica backed out and Howard banned her from the show.
It is clear to me that Howard does not want her back, unless she is
willing to provide him 'good radio', which would include her doing
something personally humiliating. The particular punishment now
proposed is that the whole cast would pick their noses and collect a
large booger, which she would roll into a ball and stick to her nose
for the duration of her appearance.

Pat Cooper was an old line comedian who cut his teeth in the Catskill
circuit (borscht belt), and whose career had fallen into the toilet
because he managed to piss off everyone he had any dealings with. He
managed to get an appearance on Howard's show and did good radio, and
Howard had him back several times. Suddenly he was in demand, and his
appearances sold out. Then, he decided that Howard had slighted him
because he didn't invite him to his E! interview show. Howard pried
this out of him via telephone, and invited him in, promising to put
the footage on the new E! show. In his shortest appearance ever, he
walked in to the Howard Stern Radio show, blasted everyone on the
show, and walked out. It was great radio, and they went on about his
appearance for two days. He has an open invitation back on to the show
at any time, and has come back a couple of times. It seems that Pat
and Howard have buried the hatchet, I'm just not sure in who. It isn't
the same as it was in the old days.

[109]Richard Simmons had a career before he got on Howard's show, as
an exercise and diet guru. He seemed to have a lot of fun on Howard's
show, becoming a personal friend of Howard, stopping by Howard's house
for dinner, giving presents to his children, and so forth. But he had
one major character flaw: He was a Barbara Streisand fan, and insisted
on Howard seeing Prince of Tides with him. He ragged on Howard, on the
air, until Howard promised to see Prince of Tides with Richard. But
Howard can't abide Streisand, and had no intention of seeing Prince of
Tides. This was the start, IMHO, of Richard's avoidance of Howard.
Then, there was a tabloid report of Richard Simmons allegedly paying a
bellboy to spank him in his hotel room. The next time Richard was on
the Howard Stern show, Howard ragged on Richard about this, and
wouldn't let it go. He never really got a true answer from Richard,
but it was apparent that this affected Simmons, and he hasn't ever
been back. A comment made by Gary was that Richard wasn't having fun
on the show anymore. I believe that they would have Richard Simmons
back if he wanted to come back.

_________________________________________________________________

Does Howard really have a small penis?

How would I know, for sure? (Don't answer that.) But this is what I
know about penis size, and what Howard has said, over time, on the
radio.

There are two types of men folks in the world: Those whose penises
enlarge significantly when engorged because of erection, and those who
do not. Typically, this does not affect the final, erect size of the
penis, at least on average.

Also, typically, this is a genetic thing, and is inherited, and may
also be associated with race. Those whose penises do not enlarge are
at an 'advantage' in the locker room because they look larger in the
flaccid state, and unless the men with the enlarging penises are in a
partial state of arousal, they are at a disadvantage.

Howard claims that he is "hung like a raisin". This is clearly part of
his persona. But he has also said, on the air, that it gets larger
when he is aroused, and has even said that it is adequate in size at
that time. We can only, therefore, assume that Howard has a small
penis when not aroused, and an average size penis when aroused.

Finally, Alison Stern was interviewed for _marie claire_ magazine. In
an article titled _MRS. HOWARD STERN TELLS ALL_, Howard's penis size
is discussed.

"Um, you know how he says he has no penis?" she [Alison Stern] offers.
Not True?
"Nooo!" says Alison Stern. Then she catches herself. "OhmyGawd. I
don't know if I'm allowed to say that."
Now here's a twist.
She explains. His supposed smallness is a big part of the show.
"Maybe we should just say that I'm very satisfied." She thinks
about that. "Yes, I'm very satisfied."

During the filming of _Private Parts_, Mary McCormack, who played
Alison Stern's part says that she got a glimpse of Howard's genital
area during a scene in which Howard was taking his pants off. Her
comment was, "Normal to large." Howard denied that she could possibly
have had time to see anything.

Finally, it seems that this particular question is of interest to at
least some of the press. The February 21/February 28, 1997 issue of
_[110]Entertainment Weekly_ contains a pointer to this particular
question There were several errors of fact, and they garbled the, as
it were, thrust, of this question so badly that my girlfriend, who has
never read the FAQ, wondered if I had written that Howard had
different penises that he put on for different social occasions. Some
comments on this mention:

* I never thought of myself as anonymous. My name, as it states in
the header, is Nick Simicich. Many people have figured out that I
wrote and published the FAQ. Ah, well. I can be in the [111]New
York Times but I can't be named in EW.
* The url for this site changed, long ago, from
http://scifi.maid.com/howard.html to
http://scifi.squawk.com/howard.html. At some point, probably in
the near future, the scifi.maid.com name will cease working.
Please make a note of it. It is likely that the good folks at
[112]Maid-plc would rather you not think of Howard Stern when you
think of their technology.
* I wrote this question and answer because I noted that it came up
in the newsgroup several times. This leaves the open question of,
"Why is Bob Strauss so concerned with Howard's penis size?"

_________________________________________________________________

I've seen a new Howard Stern album in the stores! Why isn't Howard hyping it?

"Unclean Beaver" is a re-issue of an old (1982) album, originally
titled "50 Ways to Rank Your Mother" that was issued before Howard
came to WNBC New York. Howard has mentioned it on the air a few times.
He wrote a deal that caused him to not recieve any money when this
album was first produced, and probably would rather that you _not_ buy
this album. The Howard Stern on this album is a very early version of
the Howard Stern we now hear on the air. There are a few very funny
bits on the album: Neil Young's Cat is a timeless bit of humor that
captures the essense of Neil's singing ability. "Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, OJ"
shows that OJ really was never able to hide his essense from Howard.
Material that didn't wear as well, such as the "Unclean Beaver"
episodes still give one an insight into the early Washington shows.

Since Howard says that you shouldn't buy it, I suppose that you should
do penance if you buy it by making copies for anyone who asks. Someone
taped a copy of the record for me back in 1982 (which is why Howard
didn't make any money on it, I guess) and that was my first exposure
to Howard. I thought it was funny and topical back then.

_________________________________________________________________

Howard Stern's Second Book

Howard Stern's second book was due out November 14, 1995. The title of
the book is _Howard Stern, Miss America_. On November 6th, the lawyers
from the [113]Miss America pageant note that "Miss America" is a
trademark of the Miss America Pageant, and were reported to be seeking
an injunction preventing the sale of the books. This fizzled out - the
lawyers for Miss America never actually brought anything to court.

Much of the information in this question is old: Howard's second book
is now out in paperback. There is some new information in the second
book, but Howard didn't hype it: He is hyping the movie now.

Howard decided to put his book on sale early as a preemptive strike
against the Miss America Pageant's threatened attempt to block sale of
the book. As of November 7, 1995, it is on sale, but who knows for how
long? If the Miss America Pageant people carry through with their
threat to block sale of the book, these books that are purchased now
will be true collector's items, and if not, then these will be first
editions, first printings. In any case, Howard Stern fans should call
or visit their local book store and buy their copy as soon as
possible. Perhaps the best strike against the Miss America people
would be to clean out the distribution channels before the lawyers
have a chance to move. Then, if Howard's publishers have to pull and
re-title the book, it won't hurt them as bad.

But none of this happened. Releasing the book early worked, Miss
America didn't sue, and it sold very well.

Some of the early books have pages that are upside down.

Chapters about

* Computer Sex.
* Michael Jackson.
* Mental Illness.
* Phony phone callers.
* Celebrities Howard loves.

and more!

Photos of [114]Jackie's butt. Photos of the phony phone callers.

Get yours today!

The books are generally available (now in paperback). A book signing
schedule has been announced and book signings have occured. Book
signings are now over. Listen to the show or watch
[115]alt.fan.howard-stern for details.

Howard's first book sold out pretty much everywhere you could hear his
show on the air, because the publishers were not willing to invest in
large printings. Therefore, the book went into multiple printings
pretty quickly. This time, the publishers were convinced, and they
first printing run was extremely large. So now that shipping has
completed, the book is available pretty much everywhere.

Howard's announced upcoming signings, as of Wednesday, November 22:

1. Wednesday, November 29th, San Francisco, Virgin Megastore, 2
Stockton at Market, 11 AM - 2 PM (past) (For a commercial tape
documenting this happening, see
[116]http://scifi.squawk.com/in-howard-we-trust.html.)
2. Thursday, 2 AM, they will do the show from the Monkey Bar, sleep,
then The Tonight Show, sleep again, then the show again at 2 AM
Friday, probably from the Monkey Bar again. (past)
3. Friday, December 1st, Los Angeles, Borders Books, Westwood Blvd, 2
blocks from Wilshire. (past) This signing set a new record for the
number of books signed by an author in a single session. Howard
says he signed almost 20000 books.
4. Saturday, December 9th, 1995, there is supposed to be a signing in
Philadelphia at Tower Books, at 10:00 AM. Call them or listen to
the show for details. If he goes to Philadelphia at all, the
signing will be limited to three hours. Details are supposed to be
announced on December 6th. Right now (December 5) Howard thinks he
will cancel it because he thinks that three hours isn't enough.
But today, December 6th, the book signing is back on. We are told
that he can stay as long as he wants, but if I were going I'd get
there real early.
5. The last book signing will be in Cleveland on December 19th, 1995.
Howard says he will sign the book of anyone who gets in line
before 10:00 AM. Barnes and Noble Bookstores, 5900 Mayfield Road,
in the old Mayfield Theater building, in Mayfield Heights. It is
'2 hours' from Pittsburgh, according to Howard. This signing is
now past, and no more are promised.

And, by the way, we never heard from the Miss America pageant lawyers.

Extra! Howard's LA book signing set a new world record for the number
of books signed in a single session. Howard's signed 15000-20000
copies of [117]Howard Stern, Miss America. Howard's book was on sale
as of 7 November 1995.

_________________________________________________________________

What kind of Music does Howard like, and what does his flagship radio station
play?

Howard's flagship station, WXRK-FM in New York, has undergone a format
change. This was because, basically, they were playing crappy music
(badly selected classic rock) and had no significant ratings outside
of Howard's time slot.

They have changed to a format similar to KOME (Howard's San Jose,
California station) which features a mix of music, much of which is
from this decade, and which is more of today's rock.

It is a fact that, in the D.J. business, when format changes happen,
all of the DJs who were strongly associated with the old format are
outta there. Frequently they fire everyone, just so that everyone
understands that they have made a clean break.

It is not clear that WXRK has made a decision about who to keep and
who to let go, but one positive thing has happened: The Greaseman is
off of WXRK.

It looks like WXRK let the entire on-air staff go except for Howard
and crew.

As far as what music Howard likes, I suggest that you look for
theSoundtrack Album from _[118]Private Parts, The Movie. _What he
_says_ he likes are things like White Zombie and Marylin Manson - and
whatever band happens to be in the studio that day. He likes Gravity
Kills, and, early in 1997, said, "I recommend their new CD. I listened
to it all vacation - loved it."

_________________________________________________________________

I would like to post to alt.fan.howard-stern, but for some reason, I can't
use my news software to do it. Is there any way I could mail my posts
somewhere?

If you mail your posts to [119]alt-fan-ho...@scifi.squawk.com,
and they aren't all quotes and there is nothing odd about them, they
will get posted. Note that this works for only a few groups that I
have a personal interest in, and not for all newsgroups in general.

_________________________________________________________________

What about Howard's new movie?

What about it? It is real, they are putting it together, if it isn't
done already, and it is based on Howard's first book, _[120]Private
Parts_. Howard talks about it almost every day on the radio show. The
announced Premere date is March 7th, 1997. Howard was going to get
Madison Square Garden, and is now considering something else. It is a
[121]Paramount production.

During a recent "vacation" (which ended June 3, 1996), Howard
apparently worked on the film every day. He worked on it almost every
spare minure through the third quarter and end of 1996.

The movie is in the can, pretty much. They did a test screening in LA,
which Howard attended, and the movie got a standing ovation. Fans? I
don't know, but I'm looking forward to it. The movie will follow the
basic text of _[122]Private Parts,_ showing Howard's early life and
what made him what he is today. You can get more information about the
movie, straight from the horse's mouth, at
[123]http://private-parts.com. This site is now up and cool. Be there
or be square.

And now what? As of January 9, 1997, Howard has hinted that there will
be big things in the near future - he has said that he will be "taking
the show on the road" to promote the movie - so you might consider
planning for a local appearance between now and March 7th - or maybe
April sometime since Howard has said that he might want to push it a
month so as to be able to do a proper opening event for fans, in the
right venue. Nothing definite there yet. Howard is in discussion with
[124]MTV about promotional appearance - Howard has been holding back
on personal appearances, as he does not want to burn himself out
before the movie - and the floodgates are about to let loose, and
there is a lot of pent up demand for Howard's appearances and the
ratings it will bring, because after all, Howard's fan base will
listen and that will quadruple the ratings for most of the daytime
talk shows. Expect to see Howard everywhere - since Howard invented
the concept with Robin, can you imagine him on _Politically
Incorrect_? It might put some life into the show.

______________________________________________________________________

What do people mean when they tell me to call 1-800-52-STERN and order a
clue? Is this an in-joke?

Yes, Howard has offered a number of merchandise items in the past. The
1-800-52-STERN number was owned by "Professional Ordering Services",
which was Howard's fulfillment house. People will frequently tell
others to dial 1-800-52-STERN, or 1-718-BAG5040 ([125]Scott's number )
or 1-516-922-WINE ([126]Jackie's joke line number). The joke is that
long time listeners have heard the number so many times that even
though we are siezed by Altzheimer's Disease, in the terminal stages
when most all of our memory is gone, peeing in our pants because we
like the warm feeling it gives us, and don't know our close friends,
relatives or family, we will still remember 1-800-52-STERN.

______________________________________________________________________

What about censorship on the Howard Stern Show?

The [127]FCC has fined Howard Stern a record amount for Indecency. As
a reaction to this, the station has cracked down on Howard. It is
believed by many that the hated [128]Tom has a button in his office,
and can hear the station before any of the delays take effect. When he
hears something he does not like, he can press the button, and "dump"
it. Dumping is electronic - the sound is digitized, and held in a
buffer for a few seconds, then it is restored. Once there is a dump,
you can hear the audio quality change as the delay electronically
alters the sound to "build it up" again. It sort of warbles.

Howard also has a button, and I believe that Robin does as well. If
anyone accidentally curses, or if a caller curses, Howard will hit the
button. Sometimes a guest will explain something in a straightforward
manner, or use one of the seven dirty words, and Howard will dump it
and then explain it more delicately.

Additionally, the stations other than WXRK all have a delay. This
delay is one minute for stations that broadcast on the East Coast, and
hours for stations that delay. The engineer uses this delay to match
the beginnings and ends of the commercial breaks, They are supposed to
listen to the show in real time, and then simply match the local
breaks to the network breaks. Some stations may also use this delay to
edit the show. This option means that the FCC can't simply listen in
New York and fine every station in the network.

But the next time you hear a word cut off in the middle, and the next
sentence doesn't follow what was just said, and then a bit of warbling
in the sound, it is likely that someone in management at WXRK has been
at it again. Don't blame them, even though they are idiots. Blame the
[129]administration and the FCC.

______________________________________________________________________

Mega-smega-dildoes? What does that mean? Why do people say that when they
call Howard?

The corpulent pumpkinhead, [130]Rush Limbaugh, has lackeys who say,
"dittos" or "mega-dittos" to compliment him when they talk to him. His
brainless followers are called "dittoheads". They begin many phone
conversations with the "megadittos" phrase.

One day, an apparrently misguided fan, in an effort to get through the
"love your show" phase of his conversation with Howard, used the
mega-dittos phrase when talking to Howard. Howard seemed mildly
offended, and after a little discussion, said, "Don't say mega-dittos,
say mega-dildoes." That rapidly turned into smega-dildoes and into
smega-dildoes, and then into mega-smega-dildoes.

A dildo, for those of you who don't know, is a phallic sexual aid.
"Smega" is believed to be a rhyming corruption of smegma, which is
defined as a cheesy substance (sebaceous secretion) which collects
under the foreskin of uncircumcised males, or near the clitoris and
labia minora of females.

Mega-smega-dildoes to you, too.

______________________________________________________________________

How do you record a show that is almost five hours long?

The most common technique is to hook a receiver to your VCR. A HI FI
VCR is capable of recording and synching on a sound signal without a
video signal, and the specs are really good. Some can't record sound
on a timer. If you record on VCR tape, you can use the 'six hour mode'
and get the whole show on one tape.

It is (barely) possible to record on a linear sound VCR, but you have
to record a TV picture as well.

You can digitally record the show as well. What you need is:
1. A pentium computer with enough memory. This probably means a P90
and 24 meg of memory.
2. A Big Hard Disk. The 5 gig drives are getting cheap.
3. A sound card. I use an SB16.
4. A receiver.
5. Patch cables to hook your receiver to the line input of your sound
card.
6. The Realaudio Encoder suitable for your system.
7. Unless you want to start manually, something like Flute for
windoes - or use Linux.
8. If you have Windows 95, Windows 95 Plus so that you get the event
scheduler.

I managed to get a flute script written that would properly name the
files and then stop the recording at the end of the show (actually, I
stop at 11:00, unless I notice the end of the show and stop it earlier
manually.

It takes 18.5 megabytes to hold the 5 hours of the show on the most
compact recording format. This allows you to get over a month of shows
on a writable CD-ROM.

_________________________________________________________________

[131][back]_[132]Back to squawk.com home page_

References

1. http://scifi.squawk.com/njs.html
2. http://www.eff.org/blueribbon.html
3. http://scifi.squawk.com/howard.html
4. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#Tom
5. mailto:n...@scifi.squawk.com
6. ftp://ds.internic.net/rfc/rfc1855.txt
7. mailto:stern-rul...@scifi.squawk.com
8. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#WHOIS
9. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#STATION
10. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#TV
11. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#RADIO
12. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#SATELLITE
13. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#REGULARS
14. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#HOMOPHOBIC
15. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#halfjew
16. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#address
17. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#CRUCIFIED
18. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#SOUNDBYTES
19. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#NAKED
20. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#MINISKIRT
21. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#BOOK1
22. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#BBS
23. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#MULTIFAQ
24. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#KKK
25. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#GOVERNOR
26. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#INTERNET
27. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#FEUD
28. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#PENIS
29. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#BEAVER
30. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#BOOK2
31. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#KROCK
32. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#MAILPOST
33. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#MOVIE
34. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#52stern
35. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#BUTTON
36. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#SMEGMA
37. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#RECORDING
38. http://www.eonline.com/
39. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#MOVIE
40. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#BOOK1
41. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#BOOK2
42. http://www.wwor.com/
43. http://www.eonline.com/
44. http://www.jdbshow.com/
45. http://www.realradio.com/
46. http://www.wxdx.com/
47. http://www.rosie.com/xtremeradio/
48. http://www.wncx.com/
49. http://www.krzq.com/
50. http://www.kegl.com/
51. http://www.dahl.com/
52. http://www.wqbk.com/
53. http://www.thenerve.com/
54. http://www.waqx.com/
55. http://www.harrisondigital.com/the_edge/toc.htm
56. http://www.zrock.com/zrock.html
57. http://www.989kutz.com/
58. http://www.wbcn.com/
59. http://carolinacommerce.com/wave104/
60. http://carolinacommerce.com/wave104/howard.htm
61. http://www.kome.com/
62. http://www.wtks.com/
63. http://www.big106fm.com/
64. http://www.kioz.com/
65. http://www.getnet.com/kedj
66. http://www.newrock104.com/index2.html
67. http://www.wklq.com/
68. http://www.wccc.com/
69. http://www.wbzx.com/
70. http://www.primenet.com/buzz/
71. http://www.wzmt.com/
72. http://www.thecoast.com/
73. http://www.realaudio.com/
74. http://members.aol.com/luusir/private/stations.htm
75. http://www.jackiejokeman.com/station1.html
76. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#Jackie
77. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#Tom
78. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#Jackie
79. http://jackiejokeman.com/
80. http://www.penthousemag.com/
81. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#Gary
82. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#Gary
83. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#John
84. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#MOVIE
85. http://scifi.squawk.com/in-howard-we-trust.html
86. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#Uzoweb
87. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#Tom
88. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#52stern
89. http://www2.liglobal.com/stern
90. http://www.urshan.com/stern/
91. mailto:n...@scifi.squawk.com
92. http://www.koam.com/
93. http://users.aol.com/luusir/private/myown.htm
94. http://www.urshan.com/stern/
95. http://www.bababooey.com/monkey/stern.html
96. http://www.smu.edu/~mhays/howard/
97. http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/knipper/hstern.htm
98. http://www.magicnet.net/freedom/enjoy/howard.html
99. http://www.mv.com/ipusers/voyager/index.html
100. http://www.uzo.com/
101. http://www.webcom.com/~inotes/tfnb.html
102. http://pw1.netcom.com/~animaux/koam.html
103. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#BOOK2
104. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#BOOK2
105. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#MOVIE
106. http://www.pc.ibm.com/products/tpover.html
107. http://www.microsoft.com/
108. http://www.lotus.com/
109. http://pages.prodigy.com/gazette/richard.htm
110. http://www.pathfinder.com/ew
111. http://scifi.squawk.com/nytimes/hackers.html
112. http://www.maid.com/
113. http://www.missamerica.org/
114. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#Jackie
115. news:alt.fan.howard-stern
116. http://scifi.squawk.com/in-howard-we-trust.html
117. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#BOOK2
118. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#MOVIE
119. mailto:alt-fan-ho...@scifi.squawk.com
120. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#BOOK1
121. http://www.paramount.com/motionpicture/homemp.html
122. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#BOOK1
123. http://private-parts.com/
124. http://www.mtv.com/
125. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#Scott
126. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#Jackie
127. http://www.fcc.gov/
128. file://localhost/home/njs/http/docs/howard.html#Tom
129. mailto:pres...@whitehouse.gov
130. http://www.aloha.net/~ritsn/rush.html
131. http://scifi.squawk.com/index.html
132. http://scifi.squawk.com/index.html
--
That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.
That which does kill us makes us smell stronger, after a few days, anyway.
Nick Simicich mailto:n...@scifi.squawk.com or (last choice) mailto:n...@us.ibm.com
http://scifi.squawk.com/njs.html -- Stop by and Light Up The World!