lr.15
MEGAZONE 23
"Heaven's just a rumor she'll dispel/As she walks me
through the nicest parts of hell"
--NineInchNails
"Oh shit what?" Gryphon asked as he entered the bridge.
"HER!" Zoner replied with a sudden pointing gesture in
the direction of the bridge windows.
"BWA!" was Gryphon's reply as a rather startled
expression conquered his face and he dropped his helmet.
This was followed by a yelp and a pained expression as his
helmet hit his foot.
"Like, what's wrong?" q asked, looking confused.
"That's just a woman."
"That's ICZER-2!!!" Gryphon screamed.
"Like oh. Like I thought she looked familiar. Sucks to
be us eh?"
Fritz's Legios blasted from a port on the A.R.M.D.-2
platform. "I'll take her out!"
"Fritz, you fuckhead! Get the fuck back here! That's
ICZER-2!" Zoner yelled into the closest mike. Archon then
attempted to get his inner ear working again.
"Iczer-2?!?!" Fritz screamed in shock, immediately Scott
Bernarding.
About this time Iczer-2 took notice of the horde of
missiles headed her way, and with an offhand gesture, she
destroyed them. Then she turned her anger towards the
Legios.
"Umm, Fritz? I suggest you GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!"
Zoner transmitted.
Before Fritz could do anything Iczer-2 said coolly,
"Annoying insect," and utterly vaped the Legios.
Fritz drifted out of the cloud of debris in his CVR-3.
He was repeatedly mumbling, "MDC structures. MDC
structures."
"I think someone better go get him," ReRob suggested.
"Yeah, I suppose you're right. Go get him, Gryph,"
Zoner ordered.
"Fuck you?! I'm not going out there. I'm not stupid,
I'm not expendable, and I'm not going."
"Yeah, I guess you're right, it is too dangerous. q,
have Schletz take a VT-1D and pick the smuck up."
"Like, isn't that schmuck?"
"No, this puts him beyond schmuck, he's a smuck."
"He'll need all the speed he can get," Gryphon
suggested. "Better strip off all of the weapons."
"Um, not. q, just give him my order."
"Like, will do." q turned to his comm panel to pass
along the order.
Suddenly a powerful female voice boomed out on the
bridge. "Wedge Rats! Prepare to die!"
"Yo, Iczer, can you hear us?" Zoner asked.
"Of course, what do you want?"
"World peace... well, actually I want to know why you're
working for GENOM, and I also want to know if you can ever
take off that bodysuit?"
From behind Zoner's chair Gryphon wiped his face in a
weary manner and mumbled, "Oh Christ."
"Well, Gryph, what the hell am I supposed to say to an
Iczer? I just wanted to see if she has a sense of humor."
"Well, I don't think 'Hi, can you get naked' is
appropriate considering the circumstances, you know?"
"That's not what you meant."
"I don't think we're big enough to fit through this
doorway."
"I MEANT! OK?!"
"Yeah yeah yeah."
"So what did you mean?" ReRob interjected.
"Yeah, what did you mean?" Archon asked.
"I was just trying to be silly! Ok?"
"You had better have been joking," Yuri stated flatly.
"Yuri's jealous, Yuri's jealous," Kei said, prodding
Yuri.
"Shut up, Kei!" Yuri shouted.
"OooOoh, touchy, aren't we?" Kei rejoined.
"Gir--ladies, ladies, we don't need a cat fight."
"She started it!" they replied in stereo.
"I can't deal with this."
"What's wrong, Zoner?" Archon asked.
"AARRGGHH!"
"A little stressed, aren't we?" Gryphon asked mockingly.
"Don't you dare do the `boxed in' thing."
"Wasn't even considering it. I like having hands that
work."
"`Boxed in' thing?" Archon asked.
Gryphon leapt at Mike, beginning rapid hand gestures
around Mike's face while babbling "Mike, did you ever feel
boxedinboxedinsurroundedclosedinonthingsareecomingrightatyou-
andpeoplearesayingthingstoyouthatyoudon'tfnordunderstand????"
Archon shrank back, muttering, "Gha...gha...gha..."
"Stop tormenting the crew, Gryphon," ReRob said.
Gryphon threw himself at Rob's feet, crying loudly, "I'm
sorry, your Lordship! Can you ever forgive this lowly
vermin?"
ReRob replied by hitting him with his hat. Zoner moaned
and shrank in his chair.
Jenna was observing all of the antics with bemusement.
She was also the only one to notice Iczer-2 leaning on
nothing and tapping her foot on open space. As Jenna
watched, the red-haired woman checked her watch, looked up,
rolled her eyes, shook her head; in all aspects, she looked
like a bored businesswoman waiting for a late bus.
(Excepting, of course, the neat leatheresque armor.)
Meanwhile, the antics continued.
"Zoner, you seem upset. Want to talk about it?" Archon
inquired.
"Not especially, especially not right now. Now, where
did I put that tape, ah here it is."
"Oh, ok, if you ever want to talk just let me know."
"Yeah, fine." Zoner popped open a panel on his chair's
arm and slotted the tape. The final cut began playing
through the bridge comm system.
Gryphon spun, drawing his ElektroMag pistol, and fired
on the arm, shouting "DIE!"
There was a large flash and a cloud of smoke. And the
music played on. "I anticipated that, the chair is armored
against blaster fire."
"Fine, then I'll shoot you. Turn it off." A psychotic
gleam shone in Gryphon's eyes, the look of a man who has been
pushed too far. Combat stress.
"Fire at will."
"No no no, do not fire at Will. He is my second mate.
FIRE AT THE SEADUCK!" ReRob said doing his best imitation of
Don Karnage, which wasn't very good.
"I'm serious ReRob," Gryphon growled.
"Excuse me!" the powerful female voice boomed out.
"In a minute!" Gryphon replied.
"Gryph, I don't think you want to shoot him. Why are
you so upset?" Archon asked.
"Go away!" At this point Kei got up and gently moved
Mike away from Ben.
"What's he so upset about?" Mike asked Kei.
"Just think about it for awhile, ok? I'll be back in a
minute." Kei strode over to Ben. "Ben, I don't think this
is a good idea."
"I don't care. I've had efuckingnough of this fucking
album. I'll shoot him before I hear it again."
"Excuse me!" the powerful female voice boomed out once
again.
"Will you please hold on for a minute, I may be about to
be shot," Zoner stated calmly.
"I don't think you understand your situation."
"I'm sitting in my chair, Ben is pointing a gun at me
and seems to be over the edge, and Kei is trying to talk him
out of it. Archon, ReRob, Yuri, q, and Jenna are interested
observers. I think that sums it up. Do you have anything to
add?"
"What about me?"
"Oh yeah, you're a disinterested observer."
"You're increasing my anger!"
"Do you want to talk about it?" Archon asked.
"Please stay out of this!" nearly everyone yelled in
unison.
"Now, if you'll give us a minute I believe Ben was about
to shoot me. Ben, carry on."
"You take all the fun out of these things. But I don't
care any more. You or the tape, which'll it be?"
"Can I think it over?"
"I don't think she'll want to wait," Gryphon said with a
gesture toward Iczer-2, "but I'll give you to the next song."
"Can you wait?"
"Oh, very well."
"Thanks, you're a doll."
"Biosculpted, not inflatable, biosculpted."
"Cool, a vat job, eh? GENOM is diversifying. Say,
we've been calling you Iczer-2, but are you the second?"
"Yes."
"Well, like where is Iczer-1?" q asked.
"Hey, don't step on my lines," Zoner ordered.
"Like deal," responded q.
"The first prototype was a failure," said Iczer-2 as if
she were talking about a toaster. "It was destroyed."
"Ouch, harsh," ReRob blurted out.
"What kind of failure?" Gryphon asked.
"She developed a conscience. She objected to mass
destruction."
"What's wrong with that?" Jenna asked.
"What's wrong with that? She was developed as a weapon,
what good is a weapon that objects to destruction? I am free
of such flaws."
"So, can you love or anything?"
"Archon, no, just--no," Gryphon muttered.
"Me."
"What?" Iczer-2 asked.
"I was speaking to Gryphon, me."
"What?" Gryphon asked.
"Me or the tape. Me. Simple."
"Oh, ok. Bye. You had your chance. And you said the
final cut wasn't about death."
"No, I said it wasn't all about suicide. Anyway, go
ahead."
"Looks pretty suicidal to me."
"Ben, don't do it," Kei said, tugging on his arm.
"Zoner, why don't you just turn off the tape," Yuri
suggested.
"Because he wants to die, and he doesn't want to do it
himself. He wants me to get the heat for it! Well, I don't
care!"
"Zoner, why don't you turn it off, please," Jenna
requested.
"Ben, don't kill him, we're just getting really close,
it's my birthday for God's sake, please don't do it," Yuri
pleaded.
"Maybe I won't kill him. Maybe I'll just maim him
horribly."
"I didn't agree to that, the deal was death."
"So maybe I'll roll shitty damage. Deal."
"Ben, I won't be very happy with you if you shoot him,"
Kei stated coolly.
"It's still better than listening to the final cut
AGAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!" Ben screamed.
"You seem stressed, Gryphon," Archon commented from the
corner.
"Like, we're ignoring our guest again," q commented.
"She said she'd wait," Gryphon shot back. "We're almost
done."
"So's side one," Zoner noticed.
Ben snapped off a shot at Zoner; as he did Kei yanked
hard on his arm and the shot went wild, striking the wall
behind and to the left of him.
"You missed," Zoner commented.
"So fucking what?!" Gryphon cried as he tried to shove
Kei away so he could get a clear shot. In response she
tackled him. The player clicked off as side one ended.
"Well, that's enough of the album for now. Iczer-2,
where were we?" Zoner asked as a series of sounds, such as
thump, clatter, crash, and ooph, resounded on the bridge.
"I've got it!" Kei cried, holding up Gryph's gun.
"That's nice, but I'm dealing with Izcer-2 right now.
Why don't you take Gryph for a walk or something, he seems
stressed."
"I AM NOT STRESSED! Now come back here, I'm not
finished with you," and Gryphon pulled Kei back to the floor.
"Don't you two have a room?" ReRob asked sarcastically.
"Hi guys what's up?" Haywire asked as he entered the
bridge supporting a battered Fritz; then after noticing the
brawling heap on the floor: "Awwwwwwww, aren't they cute when
they do that? They look almost human."
"Mark, say hello to Iczer-2," Zoner said.
"Hello to Iczer-2."
"Don't be silly, Mark. Look out the window."
"Wow. Cool! Hi!" Mark said with the patented Mark
Luchini wave and psychopathic grin.
"How you doing, Fritz?"
"He's a little shell shocked right now," Mark answered.
"MDC structures, MDC structures," was all Fritz was
heard to say.
"Ah, post-traumatic stress disorder, how sad," ReRob
commented.
"Jenna, can you take a look at him down in sickbay?"
"Sure, where is it anyway?"
"I don't know. Look in the owner's manual."
"Ok...let's go, Fritz."
"MDC structures, MDC structures."
Thump crash "OW! That's my ear!"
"Mark, take her place," Zoner ordered.
"What, you want me to attack Gryphon?"
"Nooo...! Take Jenna's place."
"Bonehead," q interjected.
"Sorry, Iczer-2, say, is that the only name you have?
Iczer-2? Why don't you pick a name, like a real one? I
think you'd be a lot happier with a regular name," Archon
chimed in.
"I AM ICZER-2! I do not need a name!"
"It was just a suggestion."
"You don't seem very friendly, why do you want to
destroy us anyway?" Yuri asked.
"I was ordered to."
"By whom?"
"Largo."
Thump crash "Ow, my eye!" A shoe flew across the
bridge.
"You like take orders from that loser?" q asked.
"Yes."
"Like how lame."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, what I think he means is that if you're so
powerful, why do you listen to him at all?" Zoner asked.
"Fool. He created me. I owe him."
"Sounds like you have a conscience to me."
"You would not understand."
"So, it's an honor thing?"
"Why am I wasting my time with this?"
"No, seriously. If it's an honor thing than you
probably have a conscience. It would bother your conscience
to be dishonorable. Did you ever think of it that way?"
"Actually no, nor do I care to. Die." She began to
gather her energies in rather spectacular manner.
"We're fucked" said Zoner in a tiny voice, flopping back
in his chair and watching the pretty lights.
"Nice try though, Zone," ReRob said in a congratulatory
tone.
Thud crash "Kei?"
"What?" Whomp thud
"I think we're about to die."
Thump th--* "Oh really?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Oh. Hm. Then this's really all kinda pointless, isn't
it?"
"Yeah...but it's kind of fun...besides, there's nothing
we can do about Iczer-2."
"True." Thud crash
Iczer-2 gathered her energy and focused it into a beam
aimed at the bridge.
Everyone on the bridge screamed in unison, "SHIT!"
Just as the beam was about to pierce the bridge it was
disrupted by an intercepting bolt.
"Gryph?"
"Yeah?"
"Who would you say that is?"
"The failed prototype?"
"Bingo."
"Iczer-1?"
"I'd say so."
"Well, like have a deus ex machina."
"Say what?" Archon asked.
"A deus ex machina, something bad authors use when they
get characters into an unsolvable dilemma," explained Zoner.
"You don't hear me complaining!" Gryphon shouted.
"Hmm...maybe if we're like saved...we should get up off the
floor and try at least to look kinda sort of dignified?"
"It might be a good idea," Kei replied.
"So, what do we do now?" Yuri asked Zoner.
"We back off and provide support if we can."