dp.8
MEGAZONE 23
"You're drunk. Give me the keys. I'll drive."
--Stevie Wonder
As they walked across Institute Road to the Ellsworth
parking lot, dodging speeding traffic on the way, Yuri asked
"Can I drive?"
"I dunno, can you?" Zoner responded.
"You know what I mean. I need more experience driving
your cars."
"Well, it is a company car and I'm not supposed to let
anyone else drive it..."
"Oh, please," Yuri whined, batting her eyelashes and
making herself look irresistible. It worked.
"Ok. Just take it easy."
The car was easy to find. It was a bright red Daytona
ES with New York vanity plates which read, surprise,
MEGAZONE. Yuri slid into the driver's seat and adjusted it
to fit her form; Zoner slid into the passenger seat, slamming
his head on the door frame in the process.
"You know what you're doing right?" Zoner asked,
genuinely concerned...about the car of course.
"Yes, I turn the key to start it. And I shift with this
and the pedal on the right is the gas, the left it the
brake," Yuri answered condescendingly. Luckily the car was
an automatic, so there was no clutch for Zoner to worry
about.
"Ok. So let's go. Take a right out of the lot, and a
left onto Institute. Then a left onto Park."
Yuri backed out of the parking space and drove out onto
the streets of Worcester. She did fine, maybe using just a
little too much of the turbo.
"Just keep driving down this way, it's a ways down,"
Zoner instructed.
Everything went fine until the guy in the Probe cut Yuri
off.
"Hey, who does he think he is?!" Yuri exclaimed.
"Just a Masshole, don't worry about it. You get used to
it," Zoner calmly replied.
<<She Drives Like Crazy, "Weird" Al Yankovic>>
"Well, it isn't very nice. I think I should teach him a
lesson." With that she dropped the accelerator to the floor.
"Ah, Yuri, what the hell are you doing?" Zoner shrieked,
suddenly panicked.
"It's ok. I'm know what I'm doing," Yuri replied as she
pulled alongside the Probe.
"Don't do this Yuriiiiiii!"
Yuri swerved toward the Probe, trying to cut him off,
but she misjudged the distance and slammed the driver's side
of the Daytona from Hell into the right front corner of the
Probe.
"My car!" Zoner screamed.
"Sorry," Yuri apologized.
"Watch the road!"
"Ayieeee!" Yuri shrieked as she swerved left to avoid
the large truck in her lane. This of course caused her to
sideswipe the Probe, which then crossed the two oncoming
lanes of traffic and slammed into the CVS across the street.
Inside the store pfloyd looked up at the tremendous
noise as the Probe removed most of the entryway corner of the
store.
"I hope he'll be alright," Yuri said, glancing back at
the crash.
"The road!" Zoner screamed, covering his eyes.
Yuri turned back just in time to avoid the line of
stopped traffic in her lane. She swerved into the left lane
and shot through the intersection with Chandler Street,
clipping two cars which were passing through the
intersection.
Zoner was beyond coherency, he just moaned quite a bit.
Especially when he felt the Daytona impact something.
Yuri was busy dodging traffic and violating every known
traffic law in the process. She swerved back to the right to
avoid the oncoming traffic, then onto the sidewalk to avoid
the traffic on that side of the road. This accomplished the
removal of most of the right side of the car on the fronts of
the buildings along that side.
"Yuri, why don't you use the brake?"
"What? Oh, yeah."
She successfully brought the car to a halt in the
parking lot of State Liquor. Zoner got out and assessed the
damage. There was a lot to assess.
"M-m-m-m-my car! What have you done. It's dead!"
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."
"You didn't mean it?! You didn't MEAN it?! What is
that supposed to mean???" Zoner screamed.
"It's not my fault! I'm not used to these vehicles.
And if that guy hadn't cut me off in the first place..."
"Please be quiet. I really don't want to hurt you."
"Well, I was just saying..."
"Please, just don't say anything. I like you too much
to kill you."
Zoner added the damage up in his head. The entire
fascia was gone. Both fenders were destroyed. Hell, the
entire right side of the car was ground down. Both mirrors
were gone. The driver's door was dented. All of the air
skirts were FUBAR. And there was some liquid dripping onto
the ground from under the hood.
After composing himself as best he could Zoner spoke.
"Yuri, get in the passenger side. And don't say a word."
Yuri was about to say something, but after looking at
the cold fire in Zoner's eyes she thought it might not be a
good idea.
Zoner drove back to campus, using the back roads so as
not to pass by any of the destruction Yuri had caused,
mumbling the whole time about repairs, cops, and mayhem. He
parked the Daytona from Hell in the Ellsworth parking lot and
said to Yuri, "Leave me alone. Please."
"Listen, I'm sorry. It wasn't my fault, really, I..."
"No more. Please, just go back to the Wedge. I'll be
over, later."
Yuri exited the car and strolled over to the Wedge.
Zoner just sat there beating his head against the steering
wheel, mumbling about being killed by his parents and how
much the cost to repair the damage would be.
"'Lo, Yuri," said Ben as Yuri entered the Wedge.
"You're back early..."
"I, ah, had a little trouble with the car..."
"A little trouble?" Kei said with a smile. "He let you
drive? Ha! Doesn't he have any idea how stupid that is?"
"And just what is that supposed to mean?"
"To put it simply, you can't drive worth a damn."
"Oh really." Yuri considered her options for a moment,
then sat down in another Wedge booth, tossing back, "Well, at
least I don't have to hold my breath to fit into my
battlearmor."
"THAT'S NOT FAIR!" Kei screamed, leaping up. "You're
the one who adjusted all the locking plates so the damn thing
didn't fit!"
"That's because I wore it last. It fit me perfectly,"
said Yuri with a small grin.
Ben was having too good a day to allow this to continue.
Rising from his seat, he said calmly, "Please...it's too nice
a day...Yuri, what exactly did you do to MegaZone's car?"
Yuri described in gritty detail the entire affair.
"Ouch," Ben winced as she finished. "That has to hurt."
Then an evil smile spread across his face. "Come upstairs
for a second...I have something in my room I think you should
have..."
After Zoner sat beating his head for fifteen or twenty
minutes, ReRob strolled up to the open driver's window. "So,
I hear you didn't have such a good trip."
With deliberate slowness Zoner lifted his head from the
wheel and turned towards ReRob. "I know where you sleep. It
would be wise not to anger me further," Zoner intoned
solemnly.
"Tell you what, let me have the car for a while and I'll
fix it up for you."
"ReRob, I think this car is beyond repair. My parents
are going to kill me. I'm dead," Zoner replied, letting his
head bounce off of the steering wheel again.
"Why don't you let me worry about that. Give me a
couple of weeks, and don't tell anyone about this."
"I have to go home for break on the nineteenth. And
what about the police?"
"Well, just hope no one saw you license plate."
"Yeah, right. I think I'll go Wedgitate."
When he arrived in the Wedge, Ben, Kei, and Yuri were
discussing spectacular car crashes, space station explosions,
and other unnatural disasters. Yuri was wearing a shirt
Zoner didn't recognize--he hadn't given it to her, anyway.
It was white with snappy black rolled cuffs on short sleeves
and black stripes over the shoulders.
He was almost calmed down by this point; he walked
deliberately over to the booth and sat carefully down. Then
he saw the front of Yuri's shirt.
KAMIKAZE RACING TEAM
Ben saw his friend's face turning a delicate shade of
violet and decided it was time to leave...