El FEQ
David Pacheco
FEQ v. 1.21
===========
As a public service to all the readers of this web chat instant
messaging forum, and as a continuation to my previous post on "Never
Asked Questions (NAQ)", I have compiled a list of the most Frequently
Evaded Questions. I present it without delay or feedback.
Document History
================
Version 0.1 Wrote the title.
Version 0.2 Changed the title.
Version 0.3 Added a question.
Version 0.4 Lost the original document, rewrote it from scratch.
Version 0.5 Changed back to original title.
Version 0.6 Lost arm in freak typing accident, changed one question.
Version 0.7 Realized I was writing a completely different doc than
originally intended, one in which manly men sang sea
shanties and robbed cruise liner passengers of their gold.
Version 0.8 Document refocused and re-purposed.
Version 0.9 Document shredded.
Version 1.0 (First release) Declared heretical and defrocked.
Version 1.1 First document under new rule. Viva El Presidente
Santiago!
Version 1.2 (Second official release) Added digitally-enhanced effects
and stereo surround sound.
Version 1.21 Director's Cut.
Version 1.3 (pre-release) Author shot. Viva El Presidente Graziano!
Executive Summary
=================
It's a thing for stuff.
Frequently Evaded Questions
===========================
Q. Senator Hollings, I will ask you for the third and hopefully final
time, is this or is this not a picture of you with two underage boys
entering a well-known house of ill-repute?
A. I appreciate the urgency of the question, Senator Dawkins, and I
urge you to consider the fate of future Senators should I be forced to
answer this question in the positive, thus implicating myself--and by
extension, many others involved--as one of the targets in this partisan
witchhunt.
--
Q. So when are you two going to get married?
A. When the time is right.
--
Q. Who do you love more, me or your Daddy?
A. Let's cut to the chase, Mom. I know the divorce is getting rough, I
know the custody part ain't working out the way you want it to, so
let's make a deal: I tell a little story up there on the stand, maybe
a few tears here and there, something to impress the jury, a hint of
possibly abusive behaviour. You get custody, I get an XBox, plus a
couple of games every two months or so. Are we talking deal here?
--
Q. Where have you been all night?
A. I don't have to report to you, you know. I didn't ask you where
you'd been that night you came home from that "business dinner" reeking
of cheap perfume.
--
Q. So, now that you've seen the show, what did you think of my acting?
A. Wow, the lighting was amazing.
--
Q. So when are you two going to get married?
A. We've talked about this before, Mother.
--
Q. How long have I had that piece of spinach stuck between my teeth,
and you were just sitting there laughing at me, without even telling
me?
A. You look so sexy when you're angry.
--
Q. So now that you two are finally married, when should I start
expecting grandchildren? I'm not going to be around forever, you know.
A. You know, right now I have a piercing headache that feels like
someone is shoving an icepick under my left eye, and do you know whose
name is engraved on the handle of that icepick? "Mother", that's the
name that is engraved on the handle of that fucking icepick.
--
Q. When can we expect payment?
A. Well, it's been a bit tough around here for the past month or so.
the best estimate I can give you is between three to six weeks and
never.
--
Q. Where's the FAQ?
A. La la la la la, I can't hear you!
--
Q. Is that lipstick on your collar?
A. Oh sure, that's so typical of you: immediately find a way to turn it
right back around and accuse me. Listen, you heartless harpy, if I had
an affair (and I'm not admitting that I did), there's not a court in
the land that would find me guilty after all the shit you've put me
through.
--
Q. Why are you so evasive?
A. What are you implying?
--
Q. Hey Michael, have you seen my husband?
A. Seen...? Well, ummm, I guess. No, not for... well, not since I saw
him with you. Why would I have seen him with anyone else?
--
Q. Does my butt look fat in these jeans?
A. Sorry honey, I can't understand the question: my sudden, unbridled
lust at the sight of your gorgeous body has rendered me incapable of
rational thought.
--
Q. Tell me, honestly: do I smell?
A. Good God, a UFO!
Q. Where?
A. Damn, you just missed it.
--
Q. So if God is all-powerful, can he create a rock so heavy that even
He cannot lift it?
A. Jesus, you snot-nosed little know-it-all punks are really starting
to drive me to consider homicide with your ridiculous "deep"
philosophical questions. Brutal, messy, violent homicide, I'm telling
you. How old are you, anyway, you little fucking brat?
A. I'm five.
--
Q. So how come if you're so Catholic, you still use condoms?
A. I respect the Pope, I understand the concept of infallibility, and I
believe that his heart is in the right place.
--
Q. Were you kids bouncing balls in the living room again, after I
specifically told you not to? Who broke my vase?
A. So, Mom, do you remember my friend Kevin? The one with the glasses?
So, he fell off his bike yesterday and broke his arm? And his glasses
too? And his Mom took him to the hospital and they thought Kevin was
being abused, so Child Services came in and interviewed her in this
little room for, like, three hours? And they wouldn't let her take
Kevin home with her?
Q. What has this got to do with my vase?
A. Nothing.
Q. Nothing, what?
A. Nothing, SIR!
--
Thus Endeth the FEQ. All rise.
Coming soon: the FAQSAR!
Frequently Asked Questions, Smart-Ass Responses!
Sorry, no Al Jaffee illustrations.
- davidpacheco
Paula
> Q. Does my butt look fat in these jeans?
>
> A. Sorry honey, I can't understand the question: my sudden, unbridled
> lust at the sight of your gorgeous body has rendered me incapable of
> rational thought.
I have enlarged, printed out and laminated several copies of this one to
pass around as my part in assisting in the survival of our species.
--
Paula
My lines are too short to netbox with Kibo.
"I'm not a software pirate, I'm an information
superhighwayman!" Art on ArkMoo 5/7/02
David DeLaney
>--
>Q. So when are you two going to get married?
>A. When the time is right.
>--
>A. We've talked about this before, Mother.
>--
>expecting grandchildren? I'm not going to be around forever, you know.
>A. You know, right now I have a piercing headache that feels like
>someone is shoving an icepick under my left eye, and do you know whose
>name is engraved on the handle of that icepick? "Mother", that's the
>name that is engraved on the handle of that fucking icepick.
>--
But Bender's Not Bitter, right?
Dave "When pigs fly, Mom. Yes, there -is- actually a connection to your
question, I'm glad you asked..." DeLaney
--
\/David DeLaney posting from d...@vic.com "It's not the pot that grows the flower
It's not the clock that slows the hour The definition's plain for anyone to see
Love is all it takes to make a family" - R&P. VISUALIZE HAPPYNET VRbeable<BLINK>
http://www.vic.com/~dbd/ - net.legends FAQ & Magic / I WUV you in all CAPS! --K.