Weiner Converts To Tolerationism!
Stephen Speicher
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PHOENIX, AZ., Jan. 5 (UPI) -- In a stunning reversal of his
religious beliefs, Keith Weiner, noted Arizona cult leader and
self-proclaimed guru of Objectivism on IRC, announced today that
he has converted to tolerationism.
In a press conference at his Phoenix pueblo, Weiner shocked his
flock members by his announcement. "Yes, it is true", said
Weiner, "I am now a tolerationist. I read _The Daily Objectivist_."
To understand the full impact of this revelation, recall that it
was Weiner who, in May 1998, made headlines when, while sitting
on the toilet in a Phoenix public restroom, stunned the world by
his refusal to use the toilet paper when he discovered that the
second cousin of the man who delivered the paper once worked in
the factory where the match book was manufactured which was once
used to light a cigar of a homosexual anarchist who watched the
David Kelley show, _Ally McBeal. When it was suggested to Weiner
that was a _different_ David Kelley, he refused to be taken in by
the obvious conspiracy to conceal the real facts from him.
Regarding _The Daily Objectivist_, Weiner said "I have been
reading it now for some time, and in my devotion to truth and
honesty and reality, I am coming out of the closet and admitting
my tolerationist leanings." When asked about what he read, he
said "Pretty much everything." After objections by reporters that
this told them nothing, Weiner finally admitted "I particularly
enjoy the "Hero of the Day" feature. I find it very inspiring."
Weiner's conversion to tolerationism is having a profound effect
upon both family and cult members. In a telephone interview with
a woman claiming to be Weiner's wife, she said "I knew there was
something wrong. I wasn't hearing the usual amount of sneering
whim-worshipper condemnations from him." She also noticed that
"He started to use the adverb 'just' a lot, which as you must
realize was a sure indicator of some sort of deception."
Eventually, she snuck around Weiner's computer and found the link
to _The Daily Objectivist_ in the browser's history. "I
confronted him with it, and when he denied it, I felt much
better, thinking we could just get back to the usual repression
and evasion." However, it didn't last and Weiner's clear devotion
to truth, honesty, and reality eventually led him to make the
startling announcement of his conversion to tolerationism.
When asked to comment regarding the conversion, Weiner's longtime
cult member and Objectivist Philosopher In Training, Brad W. said
"Er." Another cult member, Erik L. was not yet ready to comment
on the events and its impact on the cult. All Erik would say was
"I have to wait to ask Keith and Brad what I think."
Outspoken critics of Weiner seem unusally quiet about Weiner's
announced conversion to tolerationism. One critic, who preferred
to remain unnamed (though he appeared himself to have only one
name) said "I'm not saying much now, but I'll probably write my
own humorous piece ridiculing him." Another individual who also
prefers to remain unnamed, said he had "No Idea this would
happen, but since it has I'll be slamming him real soon."
The only praise for Weiner's conversion has come from the
Speichers, who seem delighted with these recent events. In a
joint press release, the Speichers praised Weiner for his
conversion, and hoped he would continue on in his natural
development. "We think it is marvelous that Weiner has converted
to tolerationism, and look forward to having him do wonderful
things. Best of all, now that he has converted, we hope he will
trade places with Emmanuel Foroglou, so that Weiner himself may
beome the subject of _The Daily Objectivist_'s "Hero of the Day."
Stephen
s...@compbio.caltech.edu
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