alt.pave.the.earth FAQ (aug 1994 version)
starla
Just as a preface, there are certain points of orthodoxy which have been
modified by other persons in the newsgroup within the past year.
Although this is an old FAQ, i think that it addresses the salient points
of most recent posts questioning the purpose of apte. I will be
modifying this for my own edification in the next couple weeks - if i
think that i come up with something good, i'll post it for generall
approval, voting, criticism, WHACKing etc.
This FAQ exists in html form @ <a
href="http://darkwing.uoregon.edu/~sbrewing/pave/pave.html">
http://darkwing.uoregon.edu/~sbrewing/pave/pave.html</a>.
Other FAQs, more recently and controversially edited exist at other sites
and the authors can post their addresses if they so desire.
>Frequently Asked Questions for alt.pave.the.earth
Archive-name: pave-the-earth
Posting-Frequency: monthly
Last-modified: 5-Aug-1994
Version: 1.1
As most people already know, the world is a big place. In the past there have
been some meager attempts at paving by various governments. Such great things
as interstates and freeways have been invented. However, in the future this
simply will not do. The world must be covered with beautiful, black asphalt.
Section 1: the future of the earth
1.1 Why pave the earth?
There are several advantages of a paved Earth over a non-paved Earth, the only
really important one is the ease of driving though. Today roads are narrow,
you have to turn, and most governments frown at ground travel over Mach1. With
endless blacktop in every direction, there will be no restriction to your
movement, and rocket powered hypercars will whiz in all directions. We will be
able to amuse ourselves with endless driving at incredible speeds while
drinking beer and eating wonderfully juicy burgers.
1.2 Why asphalt?
Simply put, everything else sucks. Concrete is clearly unsuitable because of
the seams that are needed for shrinking and swelling. As we are whizing around
at tremendous speeds the seams in the concrete would create nasty sounds and
unpleasant bumps. There are no other good driving surfaces.
There are of course several other benefits of asphalt, which include the
depletion of natural resources and increase of pollution in the atmosphere.
The depletion of natural resources is of course a noble goal. When faced with
the fact that the earth only has so many things which can be procured, it is of
course an enormous challenge to squeeze that last drop of oil out of the
ground. It is, however, a task which we are ready for. We can prove once and
for all that we are the masters of all. The goal of polluting has several
benefits as well. Imagine cruising along one day and looking at the darkened
sky and being able to say, "I made the sky what is today." You can take pride
in that. The other benefits won't be mentioned now since they are too
numerous; wait for future revisions of the FAQ for them.
1.3 What about traffic?
Traffic will not be a problem due to the simple fact that most people will be
slaving away beneath the surface in what has come to be called the parking
garage. These people will be needed to staff the hydroponic farms, raise cows,
brew beer and fix potholes. Most of the world's population will work for the
good of the drivers. Altruism at its best. There will also be no regulation
of traffic. Governments are outmoded and should be phased out. We know what
to do. Why should someone else tell us what to do when we already know the
proper course of action? pave, Pave, PAVE. That's what I always say.
1.4 What about [your favorite big things], won't they get in the way?
Nothing will be in the way. Mountains will be levelled, oceans and seas will
either be frozen or filled in and then paved over. Cities will all move
underground into the parking garages. All that will be left is endless,
smooth, black asphalt. One world, one people, one slab of asphalt.
Section 2: the future of other celestial objects
2.1 Are there any current plans dealing with the moon?
There are many plans on what might be done to the moon. The most commonly
accepted course of action is to cover the moon with long thin strips of
chrome. This will of course be mostly for decoration, but it will also have
the added benefit of providing the equivalent of a giant street light in the
sky. Other plans deal with AstroTurf [tm], floral wallpaper and other sorts of
things that are used to cover other objects up.
2.2 What about the other planets?
The other planets really aren't that important since they aren't as visible
from the earth. Sure, you may be able to pick out Jupiter or Venus in the sky
some nights, but you would hardly be able to see a nice paisley pattern or
anything.
2.3 Are there any plans for other solar systems?
Not yet. We're working on it, though. If some aliens were ever to discover
the earth after it is paved they would no doubt be overcome by the sheer beauty
and majesty of our creation. At this point, they would feel compelled to serve
our needs and to carry out the paving of other planets. Other than that, the
only plans that we have are to look for oil on other planets.
Section 3: that which does not fit anywhere else
3.1 Hey, when the earth is paved it'll be just great to skateboard on,
won't it?
Well, maybe. I would strongly discourage anyone from trying to go
skateboarding on the newly paved earth, due to the simple fact that they would
be as good as roadkill very quickly. It is true that everything would be nice
and smooth, but there would nothing to do grinds on or ollie over or anything,
so it wouldn't be much fun anyway. You might as well just buy a hypercar and
join the future.
3.2 Hey, cool. With a paved earth I'll be able to make tons of
roadkill!
Not really. Think about it for just a minute or two. Ok, now the earth is
completely paved. Can you tell me what the little critters are going to live
on? There will be no plant life on the surface. Nothing will be on the
surface except for us. It's quite simple, really. With nothing for the
animals to eat, there will be no roadkill.
3.3 What about other stuff that I care about?
Get with it! Paving is the future. Just think about speed and lots of black
asphalt. Try not to get carried away too much though.
Send corrections and comments to schm...@carleton.edu.
Version History version 1.1 - minor corrections of spelling and grammar
(thanks to Pete Gontier)
cheers,
selena
PaveInquisitress who is modifying the FAQ right now and will issue a new
FAQ for voting and approval in a week or so
HPS
In article <Pine.NXT.3.91.960602114036.23817F-100000@ursula>, starla
<sta...@ursula.uoregon.edu> wrote:
> I will be
> modifying this for my own edification in the next couple weeks -
So to pre-empt your amazing re-write....here is my oar, well and truely
inserted.
> 1.1 Why pave the earth?
Because the Plan[tm] says so.
> 1.2 Why asphalt?
Because the Plan[tm] says so.
> 1.3 What about traffic?
Traffic is inconvienient, there will be no inconvienience post PD1, so
there will be no traffic (except that of we drivers).
> 1.4 What about [your favorite big things], won't they get in the way?
Are [your favorite big things] in the Plan[tm]. If not they won't get in
the way.
> Section 2: the future of other celestial objects
>
> 2.1 Are there any current plans dealing with the moon?
No. There are some deviant perverts who belive that the moon should be
chromed and they prey on hapless newbies - so beware.
> 2.2 What about the other planets?
Who cares.
> 2.3 Are there any plans for other solar systems?
Who cares, this is alt.pave.the.EARTH. Get it?
> Section 3: that which does not fit anywhere else
>
> 3.1 Hey, when the earth is paved it'll be just great to skateboard on,
> won't it?
No.
> 3.2 Hey, cool. With a paved earth I'll be able to make tons of
> roadkill!
Unlikely, you may end up as roadkill though if you don't stop asking these
stupid question.
> 3.3 What about other stuff that I care about?
Is it in the Plan[tm]? No - then it's not important.
> selena
> PaveInquisitress who is modifying the FAQ right now and will issue a new
> FAQ for voting and approval in a week or so
HPS
who thinks we should get tough.
RnR
a...@isltd.insignia.com (HPS) suggested lots of one-line answers ala
Deanie for insertion in a FAQ:
>giant snip<
>HPS
>who thinks we should get tough.
maybe a couple of faq's. One of them could be the kinder and gentler
version for lame-brained newbies that need info-pap instead of brutal
reality. Then another one for true believers to act as an orthodox
document and provide a compass to those, like me, who hate to read so
instead live The Plan(tm) rather than peruse it all the time.
RnR
willing to host an html faq on the web
HPS
> maybe a couple of faq's. One of them could be the kinder and gentler
> version
Kind & gentle? You make it sound like a fabric conditioner. Do you think
that we should be charitable towards newbies? Do real Pavers crave a
nicer, happier world?
I do. I want a united world where freedom is absolute and convienience is
mandatory. Where enviroweenies and bunnie huggers do not force their
ideals upon me etc
One World,
One Plan[tm].
One Great slab of Asphalt.
HPS
Dean Smith
In article <ade-030696...@abrownlow-mac.isltd.insignia.com>, HPS
<a...@isltd.insignia.com> writes
>HPS
>who thinks we should get tough.
Yeah good idea HPS, don't give those newbies a chance, just waste their
time with circular arguements. Remember, just because Martin hasn't
commented to your ramblings doesn't mean he's not watching.
Or something.