[Fanfic][Repost] The Naked Truth (1/1)
New Najar
From the files of M.Y.T.H. Squad
by Neil Robertson
I was minding my own business (something I used to do very well before I
got hooked up with Skeeve) in my personal quarters. This was one of the few
quiet moments we'd had since polishing off Big Julie's army, and I figured the
kid could use some practice time to work on his basic spells. He's good, but he
still has a long way to go to live up to his new rep. Me, I was currently
polishing off a fine Pervect wine that Tanda had picked up at the Bazaar, when
the door flew open.
"Aahz, you've gotta hide me! Quick! She's going to kill me!"
I pride myself on being able to piece things together quickly, and this
didn't seem too difficult. Here was Skeeve barging into my room, with a bump on
the noggin, a few rips in his shirt, and the start of at least one black eye.
"Suppose you tell me who's trying to kill you, and why?"
"Never mind! Just stop her for me! PLEASE? Bye." And, with that, he sailed
out the window. Normally, that could be fatal, as it's many yards to the ground
from this high up in the castle. I took it on faith that Skeeve was now
practicing his flying skills, and so looked out the door to see who was chasing
him. I was amazed to discover it was Tanda.
Tanda is a lovely and very dangerous lady. Though she's a good friend of
ours, she is by profession an assassin. This, combined with her short temper
and a smattering of magickal knowledge, makes her someone you don't want to
make angry.
At this moment, she was as furious as I had ever seen her.
"Where is he, Aahz? I need some crossbow practice and I want his heart for
a target!"
"He's flown the coop." I just couldn't believe she could be this seriously
mad at Skeeve. "Now, come on, tell your Uncle Aahz what the problem is." I gave
her my friendliest, diplomatic smile while looking at her, eye-to-eye. I've
been told the sight of my pearly whites has been known to push back national
boundaries. But all it did to her was slow her down a bit.
Still fuming, she said, "When I get my hands on him, I'll--"
"He's still my apprentice. If he's done something wrong, I'll deal with him
myself. Now tell me, what's the big deal?" Tanda looked at me and saw I was
serious now. She thought about it for a second, hesitated, then turned to
leave. I reached out and grabbed her arm to turn her back. That's when I
noticed that, instead of her normal, slightly greenish complexion, she had a
reddish tint to her face. I had mistaken it moments ago for rage, but now I
knew: she was blushing!
As I said, I'm usually pretty good at piecing things together. Tanda was
not the shy, innocent type; she could embarrass Skeeve just by doing her nails.
The thought that Skeeve could get her this rattled was unimaginable.
She resigned herself to telling her story and sat on the edge of the bed.
"Actually, I really was getting some crossbow practice out back by the
pond," she began, "when I noticed Skeeve working out on the other side. He was
igniting and extinguishing twigs left and right, and he looked totally bored
and depressed. I hadn't flirted with him for some time, so I figured he was
feeling lonely. Well, I thought, it's my duty as chief morale officer around
here to keep everyone perked up, right? So, I fired a shaft into a nearby crow,
only wounding it so it'd screech loud and draw Skeeve's attention this way.
Sure enough, he finally saw me, but I pretended not to see him. I thought to
myself, maybe I'll let him enjoy the view for a while. I dropped the crossbow
and started to do some limbering exercises, you know, like the ones we saw on
those tapes at the Bazaar. Remember the ones you and the guys were watching so
closely?" she added with a nasty tone.
I remembered. Well, if that's what Tanda was doing for Skeeve, then Skeeve
was watching. I decided I was going to have a talk with Tanda about this
"morale officer" bit when we got through here.
"Anyway, I sneak a glimpse at him, and he's watching pretty closely. He's
got a silly grin on his face and glazed eyes. I figure I looked like hot stuff
to him right then. Then I think, I bet he's never seen a girl skinny-dipping
before."
"Aww, no, you didn't!", I said, half horrified, half hysterical.
"Well, we were out there all alone," she almost joked. I thought she was
about to break out in a smile, but she got serious again quickly enough.
"As I was saying," she scowled, "I was only thinking about it. Anyway, I
walked over to the diving rock."
At this point of her story, the look on her face started changing back to
the nasty one she came in with.
"I looked into the water to make sure there wasn't anything cluttering up
the diving area, just in case I decided to go through with it. But what I saw
there was my reflection, only it wasn't my reflection!" She had just about
reached her original fever pitch by now. "Do you know what I saw?! Do you know
what I saw?!! That little creep had used his disguise spell to picture me
NAKED!!"
I knew I'd be in big trouble if I let it go now, but I just couldn't help
it. I broke out laughing. I managed to cut it short before she finished
throttling me.
"Look, Tanda, it's perfectly normal for boys his age to undress pretty
girls with their eyes. And I know Skeeve would never try to embarrass you
intentionally. You probably had him so flustered, he wasn't even aware he was
doing it at the time."
Tanda shot back, "Do you really think that's what's got me so angry?"
I replied, "Remember, the magician who casts the spell can't actually see
the image. Skeeve may have been thinking of you naked, but he probably didn't
even realize that he'd cast the spell. And anyway, it wasn't like you were
really undressed. He was just fantasizing about what you look like."
"That's why I positively have to kill him. That Klahd just pictured me ten
pounds overweight!"
-- Neil Robertson (newn...@aol.compulsion, but without the 'pulsion')