Lovecraftian Deep Thoughts
james ambuehl
LOVECRAFTIAN DEEP THOUGHTS
by Steve Bastach
I always thought that after the Old Ones got the Earth cleared off, it
will leave a lot more parking space for owners of big cars.
Whenever I read the word "eldritch" I get hungry because it reminds me
of "sandwich."
If Miskatonic Library had been guarded by cats, Wilbur Whateley might
still be with us today.
If H. P. Lovecraft had grown a beard, people may have called him by the
same name, but the photographs would look different.
I think the Deep Ones should change their name to the Deep Many,
because, for heaven's sake, there's more than just one of them.
Shub-Niggurath wanted to drive her VW van to New York, but there wasn't
room for all her children.
Yog-Sothoth is the Gate, which is nice to know in the politically
correct '90's, since he swings both ways.
I always thought that if the Night-Gaunts reversed their eating
disorder, we could then call them the Night-Fatties.
I think that Cthulhu can beat up Godzilla because Godzilla is a lizard
and Cthulhu is an octidragopulp and a pursuing jelly.
The Old Ones were ancient before Man first appeared on the Earth. That
means they must be really, really old by now.
I always thought that an angry mob of Vermont farmers should have
attacked the winged crabs and sold their meat as seafood.
What's so great about the Great Old Ones, anyway? They're all locked
away under the sea or in outer space or in other dimensions. Sometimes
I want to stick my tongue out at them and yell, "Nyah, nyah, nyah, look
at the high and mighty Great Old Ones."
Although it is true that I just sent six bullets into the head of my
best friend, I hope by this statement to show that I am not his
murderer. No, just kidding.
Gene Autrey and Roy Rogers met H. P. Lovecraft in heaven, and quite
frankly, he spooked them.
Sometimes I think H. P. Lovecraft's books should be burned. That way,
more of his books will always be printed.
For many years I thought "Cyclopean masonry" was a lodge full of
one-eyed monsters. But then, I also used to think that a Thesaurus was
a fossil reptile.
I always thought it must be very boring to be a Great Old One. I mean,
Yog-Sothoth is conterminous with time and space, but what does he DO?
I once sent Azathoth an invitation to play chess. But then I remembered
that he is the blind idiot god. So then I sent him a picture of himself
upon which I drew a silly mustache and clown nose. But then I
remembered again that he is the blind idiot god and wouldn't "get" the
joke. So then I bribed his amorphous flute players to play a month's
worth of Zamphir just to see what effect it would have. I haven't
noticed anything yet, have you?
This morning I was awoken by the thin, piping sound, "Tekelili!
Tekelili!' But I wasn't scared because I knew it was just my nose
whistling.
Wouldn't it be awful if the Great Old Ones cleared off the Earth, and
then decided that they had made a terrible mistake.
Every time Obed Marsh lay down, people would rush to lie on top of him.
It was probably because of his first name.
penitent leper
(james ambuehl) wrote:
Thanks, Jim for posting these... no, I don't mind, but... we'll see
if other readers can tolerate it.... in any case I am perpetually the
penitent leper so we have by guilt and appeasement cycle to fall back
on.
- pl -
'it wants no straps.'