Please Crtitque:A Song 4U
Mark Alston
Thinking how you make feel
Forever in my life you'll always stay
and I give myself to you
I know I will always cherish...
Looking in your eyes
only to admire
the beauty held inside
makes me love you more
And I feel it everyday
touch, heal my soul
like an angel, by my side
love, I can't control
my emotions i can't hide
Still I can't find words that can make you see
Still I cant find words
that can make you see
All things you aways been to me
This song is really driven by the melody
and I just want to know is the idea of the song coming across? and if
not why not? I just finished these lyrics today but i still feel there's
something not right about it yet, I would like anybody's comments, I
read all and reply
CamAcaMmarkcurtisalston
hatchet...@my-dejanews.com
Cam...@webtv.net (Mark Alston) wrote:
> Lastnight I thought of you
> Thinking how you make feel
> Forever in my life you'll always stay
OK. Back-asswards sentence construction is reserved for classical
poets. Hint: not you or me.
> and I give myself to you
> I know I will always cherish...
>
Are you really Barry Manilow, or what? Please try to avoid this
overused, rotten garbage. :)
> Looking in your eyes
> only to admire
> the beauty held inside
> makes me love you more
If you really feel deeply about your subject, write something
original. Holy crap. This is really bad.
>
> And I feel it everyday
I'm feeling sick.
> touch, heal my soul
> like an angel, by my side
Ooh, no one has ever used an "angel by their side" in a song: what
next? She can't see all the things she's been to me?
> love, I can't control
> my emotions i can't hide
>
> Still I can't find words that can make you see
>
> Still I cant find words
You're finding words, alright, but they all suck. I mean, every-damn-
one of them reads like every other pop love song trash I've ever
heard. Can you say Spice Girls? However, Ginger Spice had some nice
ta-tas to sell records. How 'bout you?
> that can make you see
> All things you aways been to me
>
> This song is really driven by the melody
OK, buddy, whatever you say. It certainly isn't driven by the lyrics.
> and I just want to know is the idea of the song coming across? and if
> not why not? I just finished these lyrics today but i still feel
there's
> something not right about it yet, I would like anybody's comments, I
> read all and reply
Roger that.
>
> CamAcaMmarkcurtisalston
>
>
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bachelors.condec
Mark Alston wrote in message
<23440-37...@newsd-102.iap.bryant.webtv.net>...
hi
from one who is only interesrted in 'top three'.....
beautiful lovely words.....love to hear the melody...but where is the
repetitivness, the hook? where is the gobsmacking single line repeated and
repeated and repeated.......never to get boring' just to get infectious,
such that you just can't get it out of your brain?
and i just hate that 'untitled' deal.....come on, the title is the
hook....or am i from mars?
dec
James B. Mitchell
> Mark Alston wrote in message
<23440-37...@newsd-102.iap.bryant.webtv.net>...
[snip]
> Forever in my life you'll always stay
I think this backwards construction is usually a cheap fix on lyrics. Is
there a way you can turn it around and get it to work? I would avoid this
backwards construction like the plague... sounds too much like Yoda. :o)
> and I give myself to you
> I know I will always cherish...
> Looking in your eyes
> only to admire
> the beauty held inside
> makes me love you more
This whole section above is very generic. Can you personalize it somehow?
>And I feel it everyday
>touch, heal my soul
>like an angel, by my side
>love, I can't control
Oops.. backwards construction again. (Although without the comma it might
have another reading)
> my emotions i can't hide
Major backwards construction...
> Still I can't find words that can make you see
> Still I cant find words
> that can make you see
> All things you aways been to me
This last group of lines makes me wish I had heard you try a little harder
in the rest of the song to communicate this love. The lyrics seem very
safe, like you're hiding behind tried and true (or cliche'd) phrases rather
than revealing yourself. I would just like to see something more personal
in every part of this song. I can tell that there's a lot you want to say,
but I don't think it's seen the light of day yet.
Just an opinion... feel free to ignore.
-- James
Lyrics,inc
Hmmm, this is Poetry, not a song.
Rethink ya Thoughts,....slice, then dice them,
add 2 /or maybe more dashes of duh.....Lyrics
dat ryme...hint, hint and by George ya just might
cook up a uuummmmm? Song< I think is what they are called??? ...You
Know < it's dem thangs we
SANG that have WORDS / Lyrics....That RYME.
Sorry , To be Funning ya so bad, Bit really!! did
you "NOT" know that songs are'nt written like this?
You should ( GET A CLUE) too , and try again