Tintinnabulation - please critique
Thomas D Crowther
(c) Dai Crowther 1999
Tintinnabulation
Hey senorita, I feel you moving closer
Getting warmer, just like I thought you would
You run your fingers, through my hair and kiss my forehead
Wrapped around me, oh this feels so good
Bridge:
I hear you cry, I want to throw my arms around you
Then you laugh, ha ha ha, you say "hey these are tears of joy"
And then you smile, with tintinnabulation in your eyes - tintinnabulation
Chorus:
And I don't believe I could hurt you if I tried
No, I don't believe I could hurt you if I tried
But if I did then surely I would die
And if I did then surely I would die
Stay beside me, we can talk into the morning
Conversation, saying nothing much at all
But I hear you, in the moments of our silence
Hold me closer, catch me as I fall
Bridge:
Chorus:
New day breaking, I listen to you breathing
Then you're waking and your eyes are open wide
And I can hear it, the tintinnabulation
It fills my senses, ooh this cannot be denied
Bridge:
Chorus:
Julie
"Thomas D Crowther" <postm...@dragontales.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>
> I'm not very good at critiques, but I do like this. The first verse
really drew me in. The bridge: Tintinnabulation is sort of like bells,
or hearing bells right? So I'm not sure how one could smile with bells
ringing in their eyes..know what I mean? It fits in a sense in the last
verse..because you've said "I can hear it". I'm also confused in the
chorus..why would the singer even think about hurting someone who he
feels close to? Like I said, I'm not very good at this, my thoughts are
only what I interped from the lyric, just my opinion. Julie
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Thomas D Crowther
Julie <jfe...@deepnet.com> wrote in message
news:7i7d0f$81p$1...@nnrp1.deja.com...
> In article <927372583.24007.0...@news.demon.co.uk>,
> "Thomas D Crowther" <postm...@dragontales.demon.co.uk> wrote:
> >
> > I'm not very good at critiques, but I do like this. The first verse
> really drew me in. The bridge: Tintinnabulation is sort of like bells,
> or hearing bells right? So I'm not sure how one could smile with bells
> ringing in their eyes..know what I mean? It fits in a sense in the last
> verse..because you've said "I can hear it". I'm also confused in the
> chorus..why would the singer even think about hurting someone who he
> feels close to? Like I said, I'm not very good at this, my thoughts are
> only what I interped from the lyric, just my opinion. Julie
>
>
Tintinnabulation is the tinkling of small bells - I was trying to suggest
that you can see the spark of intimacy and love in another's eyes which sets
those little bells ringing. I sometimes watch my wife Janet as she lies
sleeping and I love her so much that I am scared/fearful of hurting her by
word or deed and I am trying to say that I feel I would die (spiritually
rather than physically) if I was to hurt her so deliberately. Now this
explanation is COMPLEX and I meant the song to be a simple affirmation of my
love. I accept that perhaps I have confused - your gut feelings are what I
need to hear - so if you feel it, then your critique is good and I will take
note.
Diolch yn fawr i chi (thank you very much) Dai.
Julie
you looked at your respond, you may find you wouldn't need a ficticious
person, you've already got the real thing.
hatchet...@my-dejanews.com
"Thomas D Crowther" <postm...@dragontales.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>
>
> Tintinnabulation
>
> Hey senorita, I feel you moving closer
Good.
> Getting warmer, just like I thought you would
Good.
> You run your fingers, through my hair and kiss my forehead
Good.
> Wrapped around me, oh this feels so good
Sucks. I mean, really sucks. Come on, buddy. You built up some
pretty good imagery in the first lines, but this fourth one is a real
stinkeroo.
>
> Bridge:
After the first verse? Huh?
> I hear you cry, I want to throw my arms around you
> Then you laugh, ha ha ha, you say "hey these are tears of joy"
> And then you smile, with tintinnabulation in your eyes -
tintinnabulation
OK. Vocab lesson...tintinnabulation is ringing in the ears, not the
eyes. I appreciate metaphor as much as the next guy, but let's not
draw parallels where none are justified, hmm? Metaphor is supposed to
underscore the point, but I don't even know where to start with this
idea...
> Chorus:
> And I don't believe I could hurt you if I tried
> No, I don't believe I could hurt you if I tried
> But if I did then surely I would die
> And if I did then surely I would die
>
Yawn.
> Stay beside me, we can talk into the morning
> Conversation, saying nothing much at all
Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?
> But I hear you, in the moments of our silence
> Hold me closer, catch me as I fall
>
Yawn. Shades of David Wilcox?
> Bridge:
Eliminate the earlier "bridge," and keep this one...why have 2 bridges,
any-damn-way?
> Chorus:
>
> New day breaking, I listen to you breathing
> Then you're waking and your eyes are open wide
> And I can hear it, the tintinnabulation
Her eyes are ringing, or your ears? What in the name of God does this
mean???!!!
> It fills my senses, ooh this cannot be denied
Ooh, yes this line can!
> Bridge:
Deja vu. Again. What're you trying to do? Build a bridge over the
River Suck?
> Chorus:
Your friend,
Hatchetjobforu
LarenCorie
> Build a bridge over the River Suck?
And you dare to criticize other peoples words ?????
LarenCorie........
On my own campaign against bad writing....... ;-)
__________________________________________________________________________
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__________ Laren...@aol.com
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Déwald Swanepoel
ever seen.
At least the poster is well aware of the existence of the
highly-ranked-in-songwriting-conversations word "Suck". It is particularly
well articulated and leands a good ring and ambience to the phrase in which
it is used. It easily rhymes with other proper and frequently used words.
In short, it is one of those words that only the brainless use.