Fun in the operating theatre

[an6...@anon.penet.fi]

There was a cool thread on a local tasteless-type bbs lately.
We got to thinking, what fun things could you leave under your clothes for
the operating theatre staff to find when you're asleep?

The winners, IMHO, suggested leaving sticker(s) with any or all of the
following on the part thats going to be operated on:

"Caution: Contains non-user serviceable parts"
"Refer maintenance to experienced personnel"
"Removal of this sticker invalidates warranty"

Another idea for a more daring patient to try: leave on the underside of
your penis a sticker saying "If you can see this, I'm not on Quinelorane"
A common side effect of general anaesthetic is that some males get
erections; as I understand it this is because some part of G.A boosts blood
pressure somewhat. It's just a fact of life and hardly rates a mention among
theatre staff; the most they might say is "He must be happy to see us" or
"He'll be hard to get the catheter in"
The reason for the catheter is that patients tend to urinate when their
muscles relax, so the theatre staff usually put one in for the duration of
the op.
Quinelorane is a proven but still experimental libido enhancing drug.
So whatever happens, they'll spot that sticker :-)

If someone is going in for an op, could they PLEASE try one of the above and
tell us what happens? :-)

During the discussion, someone mentioned some cool and TRUE stories from the
operating theatre.

This hospital had a patient who was hassling the Doctors and Nurses prior to
his op, and they were hassling him right back, all in good humor, neither
side taking it seriously.
But the theatre team had the last word. When the patient woke after his op,
he found his chest covered in graffitti. "I'm typhoid Mary" and that sort of
thing. Apparently surgical teams aren't allowed to do things like that, but
they knew that particular patient wouldn't object.

The other was about a guy who had VIOLENT ANAL DILATION to distinguish
between one of several conditions he might have. The Doctor who did the
examination was a close friend of the patients family, and the two of them
were hassling each other about it beforehand.
Again, the Doctor had the last laugh. He was fully anaesthetised in the
Doctors surgery, and after the examination the Doctor injected the antidote
for GA to bring him round sooner as there wasn't any need to leave him under
for longer. A few hours later, the Doctor rang the patient to ask if he'd
found the glove he'd left inside him. The Doctor wasn't kidding.

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[you're reading what?]

Hmmmm... Reminds me of a call I once did - gots to be short - finals.

My partner and I were driving in the beautiful city of Chelsea, MA, looking
for stray animals or small children to run over. We received a call for
an MVA - truck vs. bike. Upon arrival, we found a biker with half his body
underneath a truck. He wasn't trapped, he'd seen the impending collision,
and being a skilled biker, was able to 'dump' his bike before impact,
avoiding a head-on collision with the truck. During the course of this, he
slid under the truck. When we got on scene, he showed some classic signs
of shock (pale, sweaty, rapid pulse/low bp) and after we immobilized him
on a long-board, we began to break the news to him - his leather had to
be cut. Now I don't know if you've met any bikers (I only meet them when
they get into 'accidents') but they absolutely _love_ their leather, and
_hate_ having it cut. I began to explain to the guy that we'd have to cut
his leather jacket and pants off - and to my surprise he readily agreed,
which clued me in to how 'crappy' this guy really felt. My partner started
in on the pants, and I started to cut his jacket. I got to his t-shirt,
quickly cut that to bear his chest to listen to his lungs and check chest
wall stability. I stopped cold when I saw his tattoo: two rectangular
dotted-lines one right below his right clavicle the other near the lower
left rib cage, with the words 'place paddles here' written in each center.
I started to laugh, and my partner looked over, then she started to laugh.
When the biker figured out what we were laughing at, he said 'just thought
I'd help you guys out' and also started to laugh - until he passed out and
pissed himself. The guy survived - sans spleen and 1/3 liver, but man what
style!

If I ever get a tattoo, I'll shave a small patch of hair off my scalp, then
have someone tattoo '666' on the bare patch - then let the hair grow back
out. Then I won't tell anyone about it. Let'em figure it out.

- Tae