[Adrics] 2002 Awards Show, Part 2/9
BKWillis
videotape. He inserts it into the old Betamax machine, hits
'rewind', then takes his place at the lectern.]
ADRIC: Now, our next presentation requires a bit of explanation.
You see, due to budgetary constraints, we were unable to give all
of our presenters full creative scope for the sort of presentation
they wished to make. Therefore, many of our presenters have
elected to perform their parts at another location and provide us
with recordings. For instance, This Time Round has been
reserved by the Author Mafia--
[The sound of numerous submachineguns being cocked carries
through the room.]
ADRIC: Excuse me, I mean the Author Completely Legitimate
Businessmen have reserved This Time Round tomorrow night for
their presentations, which have been, er, will be...
[ADRIC pulls out a copy of Dr. Streetmentioner's book on
temporal syntax and looks something up.]
ADRIC: Their presentations wioll-haven be taped and sent back
to us today, for display here. And there won't be any worries
about already knowing the results tomorrow, due to something the
Doctor refers to as 'applied Blinovitch compensation in recursive
sub-strata', but which Mr. Willis calls 'authorial fiat'.
At any rate, our next presentation is not from the Author
Organization of Civic-Minded Chaps Who Have Never Even
Heard of Sicily, but comes to us from the far reaches of space,
where the Alliance Navy's Task Force Eleven is on maneuvers.
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the award for Best Round-
Robin is none other than the most-decorated soldier in the
Alliance, bane of pirates, terror of subordinates, and slugger
of nosy reporters, Commodore Lauryn Tiberia!
[ADRIC points a remote-control at the VCR and presses 'play'.]
----
[The scene is a briefing room aboard the space cruiser _ANS
Isandhlwana_. The entire back wall is taken up by a Galactic
Alliance flag, a blue banner depicting two concentric circles
of white stars around a grasping hand. There is a quick,
martial-sounding fanfare as COMMODORE LAURYN TIBERIA
steps in front of the flag. She is a tough-looking woman of
about forty with very short ash-blonde hair and dressed in an
elaborate Navy uniform which has more medals on the chest than
any five banana-republic dictators combined. A swagger stick
is tucked under her arm and she has a tendency to snarl when she
speaks.]
TIBERIA: At ease, men! Now, you all know why you're here
today. You're going to learn to be lean, mean, fanfiction machines,
in the fine old alt.drwho.creative tradition. Now, we're going to
grab those stories by the neck, we're going to kick them in the
crotch, and we're not going to let up until every story is by-God
written! You're going to write them like they've never been written
before! Any other alternative is unacceptable!
Now, Round-Robins... A group of authors taking turns at writing
a single story. This is not a genre for shirkers and cowards! There
is no place for the faint-of-heart in a Round-Robin. As a Round-
Robin author, your comrades are depending upon _you_ to see
them through. If you falter, if you fail in your duties... But I know
you will not fail, because Round-Robin groups love a winner, and
_will not tolerate_ a loser! When you get out there and put your
cursor on a wad of your prose that just a minute before seemed like
a coherent tale, you'll know what to do.
Now, by God, I'll show you what we mean by a good Round-
Robin!
[As TIBERIA lists the nominees, a split-screen image pops up
beside her displaying the appropriate scenes.]
TIBERIA: The first Nominee is 'Desert of Fear'.
>"Up!" commanded a melodious female voice which sent thrills of
>dread familiarity down his spine. His mind went rattling through
>memories, seeking for a match. He had a bad feeling about that
>voice, very bad indeed. Making no sudden moves, Cain rose and
>turned to face the woman. The business end of a Skyborn blaster
>was aimed unwaveringly at the bridge of his nose, by a tall, red
>headed woman. The woman's face focused the vague memory
>started by the voice.
>
>"You're dead," he said with a slight note of accusation. "I know
>you're dead! I killed you myself!"
TIBERIA: The second Nominee is Internet Adventure 25, 'Twenty-
Five Pieces of Silver'.
>The Doctor shivered as he knelt in the snow, keeping fresh ice
>on Hanrahan. He knew that this was the best he could do until
>he got him onto the rescue ship. He could hear a slight,
>mechanical roar in the distance, just to the south. But he had a
>sense that the Cybermen were also approaching, everyone would
>have to move fast when the rescue ship arrived.
TIBERIA: The third Nominee is Missing Internet Adventure 22,
'Verdant Carnage'.
>The Doctor's vision was suddenly snagged by the mangled,
>flattened pulp on the ground that had once been Joseph Willow >and he felt a
blossoming sense of sadness and guilt. His mind's
>eyes was full of memories of flames and a multitude of sweat
>beads threaded their way down his face. He violently shook his
>head and slammed the palm of his hand against his forehead.
>There was something... dangerously seductive about this place.
>
>The forest had memories and voices. And lights.
TIBERIA: And the fourth Nominee is Crossover Internet
Adventure 7, 'The Mouth of the River'.
>"Oh, please. There's nothing to worry about. No weapon can
>breach the exterior of my TARDIS."
>
>"Not even a Vorlon one?"
>
>"The Vorlons really aren't all that special, from what I've seen. I
>see they've got all of you fooled."
>
>"They are a very powerful race."
>
>"Is that so?"
>
>"And very old."
>
>"Well, break out the birthday cake."
[TIBERIA pulls a bayonet from her boot and slices open the
envelope, smiling cruelly.]
TIBERIA: And the Award for Best Round-Robin goes to... 'Desert
of Fear'! Good job, lads! Now get out there and give 'em Hell!
[TIBERIA snaps a ramrod-straight salute as the image fades out.]
----
[ADRIC clicks off the TV and turns to the audience.]
ADRIC: Well, congratulations to the authors of 'Desert of Fear'!
And now, before we continue, we're going to have a short
intermission while we have a word from our gracious sponsors
at NorInCo. While the viewers at home are enjoying that, we
have for your listening pleasure one of Outside's hottest new
heavy-metal bands. Introducing, for their first time in a live
performance, Righteous Indignation!
[Exit ADRIC, pushing the TV cart with him, as the curtain behind
him rises to reveal the band. The guitarist, bass player, and
drummer are all generic big-haired '80s-style headbanger types,
but the two singers are most definitely familiar. SAM JONES has
her hair teased out and is wearing red spandex pants and a ripped-
up 'Free Sacco and Vanzetti' t-shirt, while next to her MEL BUSH
is decked out in leather, chains, and facepaint. As the band starts
up with a peppy, drum-heavy beat, the two women grab
microphones and begin something that approximates singing,
although not very closely.]
SAM: (singing) We're not gonna take it!
MEL: (singing) No! We ain't gonna take it!
SAM: (singing) We're not gonna take it...
BOTH: ...Anymore!
[Fade out on these all-too-twisted sisters.]
----
[Commercial]
[SCENE: A futuristic-looking schoolroom. Adolescent children
sit in small desks with built-in computer consoles, watching and
listening to a young teacher at the front of the room. A pretty
brunette woman in an expensive business suit steps into shot as
a caption appears at the bottom of the screen, reading, 'Perpugilliam
Brown III, Public Relations Director, NorInCo, Inc.'. She smiles in
a sunny yet subtly predatory way as she looks into the camera.]
PERPUGILLIAM: Many people don't realize it, but we at NorInCo
are involved in many fields aside from the manufacture and
distribution of consumer products. Among these areas of
operation is the educational products field.
[PERPUGILLIAM gestures at the room around her.]
PERPUGILLIAM: For instance, this entire school building was
assembled using pre-formed construction modules provided by
our Vanaheim facility, with lighting and plumbing additions from
our plant on Dorado. But not only that, these integrated work-
desk systems are also NorInCo products...
[PERPUGILLIAM yanks the nearest child out of his seat and points
at the NorInCo logo on the chair back.]
PERPUGILLIAM: ...as are the educational programs, themselves.
[PERPUGILLIAM holds up a stack of instructional discs, all of
which bear the NorInCo emblem.]
PERPUGILLIAM: In fact, most school systems now use the
Integrated Educational Format curriculum devised by the NorInCo
Service Consultancy Division. No matter where you live, the odds
are likely that your child's development is being shaped by
NorInCo.
So, the next time you go shopping, just remember: we're NorInCo,
and we know where your children are.
[Fade out to NorInCo hammer-and-chain logo.]
[End commercial]
----
[ADRIC wheels the TV set back on stage as the curtain closes on
Righteous Indignation. There are approximately three people
applauding.]
ADRIC: All right, folks, moving right along, our next presenter is
one of the main pillars of the alt.drwho.creative community, having
been a regular contributor for seven years now and counting. He
specializes in crossovers with 'Star Trek', 'Buffy', and 'Superman';
he's the creator of the 'King Arthur in Time and Space' milieu; he's
a heck of a good cartoonist; and he likes Peri. As if you didn't
know, presenting the award for Best Comedy Short Fiction, it's
Paul Gadzikowski!
[ADRIC backs offstage, clapping.]
----
[As has become traditional for presentations for this category, Paul
Gadzikowski is called to present but someone else steps up: the
VALEYARD, first-round nominee for Best DOCTOR WHO
Character for appearances in Gadzikowski's stories, and villain of
the final round Best Series nominee TTR Peri Arc: Camelot-Krontep
War. Despite the anticipatory chuckles of the audience, he
assumes the podium without cackling evilly, expositing or tripping.]
VALEYARD
[reading the outside of the envelope]
The nominees for Best Comedy Short Fiction - stories of one post -
are: 'LWT: It's Story Time!', by BKWillis.
[On the TV screen beside the VALEYARD, a scene from the
nominated story appears. Roz and Number One (Female) are, for
some reason, occupying an idylic storybook cabin home.]
> [One day, her mother asked her to run a very special errand.]
>
> "Hey, Snow White," Roz barked. "Go down to Mr. Cwej's farm
> and ask him to come by and, ah, pick up the cookies I baked for
> him."
>
> "Is that what they call it, now? 'Baking cookies'?"
>
> "That's what _I'm_ calling it. You just go tell him, then make
> yourself scarce for a couple of hours, like a good little girl."
>
> [Actually, she wanted her to deliver a basket of goodies to her
> beloved Aunt Benny, who lived on the other side of the
> Enchanted Wood.]
>
> Roz shrugged nonchalantly and held out a large, covered basket.
> "Here, kid. This is for your beloved Aunt Benny, who lives on
> the other side of the Enchanted Wood."
>
> "I know, 'Mom'," the redhead groused as she took the basket, "I
> heard the narration, too."
VALEYARD
'LWT: Story Time - Cinderella', by Douglas Killings.
[On the screen are DOCTOR SIX as the King, PERI as the Queen,
DARREN of W.A.N.K.E.R. as the Prince, and NUMBER ONE
(Female) as Cinderella.]
> SIXTH DOCTOR
> There, now. Why don't you two get to know each other...?
>
> DARREN
> (panting, looking NUMBER ONE over)
> Uh... uh... g-g-girl... uh... uh...
>
> NUMBER ONE (f)
> (hissing, to DARREN)
> You touch me and I swear, I'll blow your brains out.
>
> DARREN stares at her for a moment contemplating NUMBER
> ONE's words, then faints, his nose gushing blood. SIXTH
> DOCTOR and PERI (who has just come up to the group) both
> stare down at the fallen Prince on the floor.
>
> PERI
> (whispering to SIXTH DOCTOR)
> Well, offhand, I'd say that sounded like a proposition...
VALEYARD
'Not as I Do', by Paul Gadzikowski.
[On the screen the Atkinson Doctor, Padme, and Jonathan and
Martha Kent (of LOIS & CLARK, not of SMALLVILLE) are eating
at the Kents' table.]
> "Well, we thank you too," said Jonathan, taking her tray and
>his own to the wastebin while Martha collected hers and the
>Doctor's. "For someone who claims to be a pampered aristocrat
>you're a fine worker."
> "I *am* a pampered aristocrat, and I have the aches to prove
>it," smiled Pamde ruefully. "I'm pretty ready to go back to it."
> "Now now," said the Doctor. "The lesson isn't served if you
>quit while it's still fun."
>
> "He said S.T.A.R. Labs *can* manufacture the TARDIS part
>from your blueprints, and they'll have it in a day or two."
> "Good. Wonderful," said the Doctor. "No offense to your
>eminently hospitable selves, but I'm going quite stir-crazy."
VALEYARD
'TDF: Dead Reckoning', by BKWillis.
[On the screen Adric and Death are in This Time Round, but oddly
Adric is serving Death, rather than vice versa.]
> "You're being auditted?" Adric demanded as he smoothed out
> a tablecloth that would cover the rather pungent and colorful
> graffiti carved into the tabletop. "You?"
>
> "THAT IS CORRECT," the Gatherer of Souls said, nodding.
>
> "Wow. I'd heard the phrase 'death and taxes' before, but I never
> thought..."
>
> "NOT THAT SORT OF AUDIT. I'M ACTUALLY TAX-EXEMPT
> UNDER THE ALLEGORICAL BEINGS SECTION OF THE TAX
> CODE. NO, THIS IS A DEPARTMENTAL AUDIT. A FIELD
> SUPERVISOR FROM THE MORTALITY DEFERMENT OFFICE
> IS COMING TO CHECK MY RECORDS." Death paused for a
> bracing gulp of scumble. "IT'S ACTUALLY SCARIER, IN A
> WAY."
VALEYARD
'TTR: Linguistic Lesson', by Paul Gadzikowski.
[On the screen Doctor Six and Peri are strolling through a public
park on Krontep, where Peri is queen.]
> "Remember, Krontep doesn't exist anywhere but in fanfiction
> with me in it. You know what kind of fanfiction most of *that* is.
> The glory of battle is for daytime hours. This is the most
> hedonistic, anti-monogamous, horny planet in the universe. You
> know how the Eskimos have seventeen words for snow, but all
> the English verbs for sex are either clinical or crude?"
> "It hadn't escaped my notice."
> "On Krontep there are about a hundred verbs for sex, and
> several hundred more for foreplay. Winniking is getting to
> second base. Moonting is having sex with a stranger you don't
> even ever speak with the whole time, woman on top. Surressing is
> making love with your chosen life mate. ...Not that there's ever
> any of *that* in the stories I'm in."
> Doctor Six nodded. "My Time Lord gift for translation is
> confirming for me what you're saying. ... And you and Yrcanos?
> Usually the titles King and Queen imply some sort of legally
> sanctified pairbond."
> "Well, we franpop [have sex from ex-officio obligation with
> someone you're friends with] of course," Peri admitted, looking
> away from him but increasing her grip on his hand. "It's not wah-
> krynnething [having sex from mutual uncontrollable lust, the
> prefix 'wah-' denoting satisfying each other three or more times
> each], but it's not quoogling [having sex from ex-officio
> obligation despite mutual detestation; used figuratively as a
> crudity]."
VALEYARD
'TTR: The Crime Travelers', by Douglas Killings.
[On the screen three would-be holdup artists are waving guns
around This Time Round.]
> The thief at the bar jumped the counter, grabbed Adric, and
> shoved the shotgun under the young man's chin. "Look 'ere, I'm
> not playing games." he said. "Either you give us the till, or
> I'll decorate the walls with your brains." He spun the Alzarian
> around so that the whole pub could see his hostage. "And I don't
> think anyone 'ere wants to see you get 'urt, now do they?"
>
> That comment elicited a smattering of chuckles from around the
> room.
>
> "You've never actually been here before, have you?" Adric
> observed, carefully.
VALEYARD
[watching the screen, dismissively]
Funny villains.
And the winner is ... [tears the envelope open] for the third year in
a row, Doug Killings; for 'LWT: Story Time - Cinderella'.
----
[ADRIC returns to the podium as the VALEYARD stalks off.]
ADRIC: Thank you, Valeyard, for that fine presentation. Our next
award will be coming to us via vidoetape from tomorrow night at
This Time Round, where the Author Wholly Law-Abiding
Citizens are going to have been throwing their own shindig.
[ADRIC pops a fresh tape in the Betamax machine and sets it to
rewinding.]
ADRIC: Our next presenters are a young duo who have made
quite a mark on adwc this past year, with their productions of
series works in the 'Badlands', 'Dragon Lines', and 'Look Who's
Talking' settings. Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the
newsgroup's foremost expert on Eighth Doctor companions,
Imran Inayat and his Muse, Allie!
[ADRIC clicks the 'Play' button on the remote control and the
cheap old TV set fires up with...]
----
[SCENE: The karaoke stage at This Time Round. A spotlight
comes on, illuminating a microphone and karaoke machine. The
back wall has a bank of television screens set into it.]
[From offstage can be heard the hissed whisper: 'Francois!!']
[FRANCOIS the Ogron stomps onstage, grumbling about 'think too
much geek author forget own head if not screwed on', removes the
karaoke machine, and stomps off stage.]
V/O: And now, to announce the winner of this year's Best Comedy
Long Fiction Adric Award, the writer and muse who introduced us
to Look Who's Talking, the day care centre outside continuity;
Fantasy Island; and the Dragon Lines/Space Vixens universe...
Imran Inayat and Alisandra the Muse!
[Groans of despair and resignation from the audience, along with
mutters of 'Not him again' and 'Well, at least it's not that damn
redneck...']
[Someone can be heard shouting 'GO ALLIE!!!' Several someones,
for some reason.]
[ALLIE and IMRAN step onstage. Imran is a young man with pale
brown skin and short, straight black hair, in an evening suit, with
the jacket open to reveal the white shirt underneath. Allie is a good
half-foot shorter and a couple of years younger, with long brown
hair trailing down her back, and is wearing a deep maroon
Edwardian-style velvet dress.]
[Unfortunately, they /still/ manage to come off as an unsuccessful
gangster and moll, largely thanks to Imran's offset eye and general
nervousness...]
[They come up to the microphone.]
Imran: < coughs > Hello. I'm Imran-
Allie: -And I'm Allie.
Imran: Ahem. Anyway, we're here today to present... wait, they
already told you that, didn't they?
Allie: The Best Comedy Long Fiction Award - comedies of more
than one part posted to the alt.drwho.creative newsgroup in 2001.
Imran: Thanks.
Allie: You're welcome.
Imran: Anyway. The last two years saw Bradley Keith Willis-
Audience: < booing and sounds of spitting >
Imran: What /is/ it with you guys and Brad?
Audience: WE'VE SEEN HELL THANKS TO HIM!!
Imran: Oh, come on, the Badlands weren't /that/ bad...
Allie: < peering into the audience > Wow. Sounds like all of
Ryouga's family are out there...
Imran: Where was I? Oh yeah. The past two years saw Brad Willis
take this category with 'The Feminine Mistake' and 'Like Water for
Adric'. With five nominations - and only two authors - in this
category this year, can Brad make it a triple?
[Offstage, a female voice with an Alabamian accent can be heard
muttering 'Knowing my luck, yeah!']
Allie: Video, maestro!
[The upper left hand TV screen switches on, showing Adric facing
off against Nyssa, telling her he will /not/ be a victim any longer,
that /she's/ the one who's running from someone - or something.]
Allie: First up, we have Douglas B. Killings' 'Friendly Hopes', as
Adric finally reaches an epiphany about his situation... and takes a
step in the right direction.
[Cheering from the ADF]
[The upper right hand screen switches on. This time, we see Adric
and a pretty, red-haired girl with a heart-shaped face taking in the
sights of Tokyo... and running into its more lunatic denizens.]
Imran: < sotto voce > Here's hoping he still hasn't caught on...
< normal volume > Next, we have BKWillis's 'The Feminine
Mistake', as Adric's love life gets even /more/ screwed up when he
meets the beautiful Ember Ashe.
---
Adric blinked. 'What was /that/ about?'
'Francois have absolute no idea. But deadboy better hope psycho
girl not see that again.'
---
Allie: Next...
[The lower left hand screen comes on, showing Diane, Doug,
Mistress Helen, Number One, and Nyssa enduring absolute torture.
Or a piece of fic by Paul Andinach, a list of reasons to join the Ku
Klux Klan, and a particularly twisted rant about ZOG-pigs, it's hard
to tell the difference.]
Allie: < sotto voce > You'd have thought after eight episodes,
someone would have caught on that they're not actually cured
yet...
Imran: < sotto voce > Drool factor. Three and a half beautiful
women. Slashfic. Massive ratings. Adric raking it in, and Francois
getting fanmail. And when Tegan /did/ catch on, she formed the
Tegan World Order to 'help' them and take over the world. That
answer your question?
Allie: < sotto voce > Pretty much... < normal volume > 'Mystery
Psycho Theatre 3000, Episode 8 (Triple Feature)', by BKWillis, as
our merry band of lunatics forge desperately onwards in the face of
bad fanfic, conspiracy rants, and adult fic.
[Groaning from the ADF as Diane and Doug sink deeper into their
seats, and wild whooping as Mistress Helen stands up in her seat,
accepting the praise, bouquets, and underpants (not all of said
garments masculine).]
Imran: And next...
[The lower right hand screen comes on, showing Leela, Nyssa,
Susan, Zoe, and Number One in skimpy Sailor fukus, laying into
some Spamites. Much whooping from the audience.]
Imran: BKWillis's 'Sailor Who: Spearhead from Spam', in which our
heroines face the first strike in a new campaign of terror from the
Spamverse.
Allie: And if anyone's planning to show me in fuku at this point, I
would strongly ask them to reconsider, unless-
[Allie morphs into Adric in a fuku.]
[Screams of 'I'VE GONE BLIND!!' from the audience.]
[Allie morphs back into her normal form.]
Allie: -you really want me to show pictures of /you/ in fuku. Anyone?
---
Francois snapped his fingers. 'Damn. Was hoping weird shifter
Muse not think of that. Maybe could sell pictures of dead boy in
fuku-'
'Don't even /think/ about it.' Adric said. 'Besides, who would you
sell them to?'
'Dead boy forgetting comedy value.'
'Oh /wonderful/...'
---
Allie: And finally...
[Murmurs of 'At /last/...' from the audience.]
[The central screen comes on, showing Nyssaias and Embericles, in
full 'Space Vixen' mode, launching off missiles at a fleet of
jetcopters, and Adria d'Alzaire and JoJo Grant being pursued by
the army.]
Allie: BKWillis's 'Space Vixens!' Pilot Episode - 'Wanted! Fear and
Lusting In Las Freeport!', in which we meet those notorious,
deadly, and sex-mad space pirates, Embericles Ashford and
Nyssaias von Drakken, as they prepare to embark on their latest
voyage.
[Loud whoops can be heard from the audience.]
Allie: < sighs, sotto voce > Embericles and Nyssaias I'd expect this
from, but my own /sisters/?
[Imran hides a grin, whilst pulling an envelope out of an inside
pocket.]
Imran: And now, in ascending order...
Allie: In fifth place, 'Sailor Who: Spearhead from Spam'.
[Disappointed sighs from the audience.]
Imran: In joint third place, 'Friendly Hopes' and 'Mystery Psycho
Theater 3000: Episode 8'.
[Sighs of mutual relief and disappointment from the ADF.]
Allie: In /second/ place... 'The Feminine Mistake'.
[Excited whispers and murmurs from the audience as this sinks in.]
Imran: Which means that, for 2001, we have a new - and old -
winner...
Allie: ...Bradley Keith Willis, for 'Space Vixens!' Pilot Episode!
[The crowd erupts - in anger or celebration, it's hard to tell.]
[Imran bows, Allie curtsies. Allie takes the microphone.]
Allie: And that's it from us, as far as presentations go, but we'll still
be here to keep an eye on the rest of the evening.
Imran: Thanks, you've been a great audience, and good night!
----
[ADRIC turns off the video and smiles at the audience.]
ADRIC: Well, with any luck, perhaps winning another Adric
Award will keep Mr. Willis contented enough to not abuse us poor
employees for a couple of days. Ha ha! I sure wish I was joking...
[ADRIC sighs pathetically.]
----