Theory Number 1

[Gregory Alan Bolcer]

Are you people familiar with the theory that people who chew ice
cubes are sexually repressed? I have thought long and hard about this
theory and have come up with a theory of my own of why this is so
commonly believed. If you were to go to a totally nude bar like
"Harry's underwater bar and Grille" in Wakiki or the "Total Nude Nude
Nude" bar near LAX, you would find that they all have one thing in
common: the price of a drink is about 5-6 times as expensive as getting
a drink at the corner liquor store that rips you off anyways. Anyway,
these places usually schedule 2 20 minute shows about once every hour.
If you drink a few drinks before you go in and get a nice alcohol buzz
going, then all you need is one drink an hour to keep it going. In
order to stretch this outrageously priced drink out to an hour, you have
to chew on the ice-cubes.
Therfore,
if you chew on your ice-cubes, then
you are trying to stretch your drink out,
if you are trying to stretch your drink out, then
you are probably frequenting a nude bar,
if you are frequenting a nude bar, then
you are probably sexually repressed,

using chaining:
if you chew on your ice-cubes, then
you are probably sexually repressed.

Greg